And now . . ."10 "More" Ways to Be a Bigger Jerk

Bigger Jerks "love" their own company

and you will always find them sitting alone in a vacant lot on a rock or recliner someone has discarded enjoying the sound of their own voice.
and you will always find them sitting alone in a vacant lot on a rock or recliner someone has discarded enjoying the sound of their own voice.

Jerks, Jerks and even "Bigger" Jerks

"YEAH, GOTTA LET THE BABES SEE MY PERFECT ABS," SAYS THIS BIGGER JERK.
"YEAH, GOTTA LET THE BABES SEE MY PERFECT ABS," SAYS THIS BIGGER JERK.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT BIGGER JERKS AND FULL-BODY TATTOO'S?
WHAT IS IT ABOUT BIGGER JERKS AND FULL-BODY TATTOO'S?
WHAT'S MORE ENTERTAINING THAN TO SEE TWO BIGGER JERKS COMPARING MUSCLES.
WHAT'S MORE ENTERTAINING THAN TO SEE TWO BIGGER JERKS COMPARING MUSCLES.
BIGGER JERKS LOVE TO "JUMP" INNOCENT PEOPLE AND STEAL FROM THEM.
BIGGER JERKS LOVE TO "JUMP" INNOCENT PEOPLE AND STEAL FROM THEM.
"SURE, I AM IN GREAT SHAPE. I WAS BORN IN GREAT SHAPE."
"SURE, I AM IN GREAT SHAPE. I WAS BORN IN GREAT SHAPE."
"I LOVE ME FOR BEING SO NATURALLY-PRETTY." "OH, LOOKING AT ME WILL COST YOU $5.00."
"I LOVE ME FOR BEING SO NATURALLY-PRETTY." "OH, LOOKING AT ME WILL COST YOU $5.00."
"I AIN'T ABOUT TO LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT DOESN'T HAVE PHOTOS OF ME ON ALL OF THE WALLS."
"I AIN'T ABOUT TO LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT DOESN'T HAVE PHOTOS OF ME ON ALL OF THE WALLS."
BIGGER JERKS HAVE NO TIME TO TALK TO YOU. ONLY OTHER JERKS.
BIGGER JERKS HAVE NO TIME TO TALK TO YOU. ONLY OTHER JERKS.
"IF THE CONVERSATION ISN'T ABOUT ME, THEN I AM GONE."
"IF THE CONVERSATION ISN'T ABOUT ME, THEN I AM GONE."
BIGGER JERKS STEAL A KID'S BIKE AND SELL IT BACK TO HIM.
BIGGER JERKS STEAL A KID'S BIKE AND SELL IT BACK TO HIM.

STERN WARNING: this hub contains information that to some people, (those who do have hearts), may find acid and harsh. Although there are no profanities, threatening language or language that promotes violence, drugs, nicotine, alcohol, anarchy or guns, some of this text may tend to cause you some mental distress. And for that, I apologize. Kenneth)

A few weeks ago I published a hub entitled, "10 Ways For You to Be a Jerk," and for a time, I was satisfied with the story. I sat down and re-read it once or twice and it hit me. This is not good enough, I thought. And this too was rare, for very seldom am "I" right when I am thinking about a project that I have completed.

Okay. Let me first explain more about "jerks." And only jerks. No time for me to discuss "smart alec's," "thugs," "troublemakers," or "loafers." Just one subject: "jerks."

"jerks," on the bright side, come in degrees. There are just-plain, everyday "jerks," "powerful jerks," and "horrible jerks," that refuse to change for anyone. Or anything. Even God. That, folks, is the "jerk of all jerks," a "jerk" that refuses to change and just stay his or her obnoxious self.

Here are some characteristics of "jerks" who are at the "Top Level of Jerkdom." (I'm telling you. These "top jerks," are bad news).

  • eat with you at a restaurant and eat from your plate when you're not looking.
  • they invite you to eat with them at a fine restaurant and force you to leave a hefty tip.
  • invite you to ride with them on a business trip and lean on you to pay for the gasoline.
  • "Bum" a few bucks from you today. A few more the next day and never offer to pay it back.
  • say ugly things about you to your girlfriend and soon, she will be gone--into his arms and leaving you "high and dry."
  • smile to your face and stab you in the back in the workplace.

In my original hub, "10 Ways For You to Be a Jerk," my advice was easy. And understandable. If you are "only" content to live life as a "common" jerk, who in time, "can" change.

But in this hub, "10 Ways For You to Be an Even Bigger Jerk," I get down and dirty with my tips. I am not playing around. I know you who are serious about "being the best jerk" on the block do not want me to waste your time, so I won't. I will get on with it. To you, there is not room in the world for a "second rate jerk."

But listen. Before you read this and either memorize or copy this information down with a Bic pen and paper, keep in mind that you are on your own with this volatile information. It's your hide if this information backfires.

So welcome to: "10 Ways For You to Be an Even Bigger Jerk," and this time, I hope that you are all successful, for I do not see myself writing another "jerk"-related hub in the near future.

1.) Set-up a snack stand near the area where a tornado has done some damage and "charge" people for drinks and food items--saying that "you" have to make a living too. (this one stung as it left my fingers on my keyboard). WARNING: you could get beaten-up by angry citizens or arrested by local authorities or both, if you try this one.

2.) Visit nursing homes and flash the centerfolds of Hustler magazine in front of the elderly men. (this one is a "jerk" classic).

3.) "Borrow" your cousin's cute collie puppy and charge area kids to pet it.

4.) Take up donations for a "needy" charity where you serve as director because it's a phony.

5.) Talk-back to your teacher when his or her back is turned, but use the humble kid's voice who is sitting across from you.

6.) Put litter on someone's yard then call the police to file a complaint against their unsightly property.

7.) Visit sick people in the hospital and tell them to look out the window and when they do, swiftly take their Jello-O cup and milk and put them in your pocket to sell to someone up the hall for a cheap price.

8.) Hand-out 8x10 photo's of yourself to people and tell them, "this is a collector's item, but I will take $5.00 for it today and today only."

9.) Get your caring neighbors to bring you various food items for you to distribute to the needy across town, but the "needy" person is you.

10.) Hitch lots of free rides with friends and neighbors without offering to pay them. When they ask, "don't you own a car?" Reply, "yes," but it needs a new tire," then ask that person to "donate" a dollar to your "new tire fund." (I'd say in my humble opinion, this one is "the" worst example of being a bigger jerk than any of the previous nine tips).

WARNING: if "you" are brave-hearted and have no real regard for how you are perceived in public, well by all means, do all of these 10 tips. Be a "bigger" jerk. A more-respected "jerk" than a garden-variety "jerk," but here is what may happen to you . . .

  • Lose what friends you do have.
  • Get acquainted with the fellas in the city jail for some of these tips are punishable by law if you are caught.
  • And try to find a job when your prospective employer has a VHS tape of you doing one of these tips so you can be a bigger, badder "jerk." It might be rough going for awhile, but listen, if you have successfully-negotiated all of these 10 tips, then I suggest hiring yourself out as a contract bodyguard. Those guys are brave, strong and have no regard for how they are perceived by the public. But as a last resort, you could try your hand at being a stand-up comic.

I hope you have enjoyed these, "10 Ways For You to Be an Even Bigger Jerk," hub for it is soon going to be a collector's item.

No more "jerk"-related hubs. I am serious.

I am tired of seeing other people become a success with "my" advice.

If This Man Isn't a "Bigger Jerk," then

I am vice-president Joe Biden.
I am vice-president Joe Biden.

More by this Author


Comments 14 comments

Starmom41 4 years ago

haha- totally cool and too accurate!!!


TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

I think this is where Tool Academy used to get their candidates. :) Great read. Voted up and more. :)


Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

Thank you for this informative and funny hub on how to be a Bigger Jerk.

2.) Visit nursing homes and flash the centerfolds of Hustler magazine in front of the elderly men. (this one is a "jerk" classic). ROFL Now that is plain nasty.

Voted up up and away!

Have a good evening my friend. :)


jasontoheal 4 years ago

very funny


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Starmom: Thank you from the heart, for your warm comment. Since I am quitting hubs about Jerks, what about a hub that poses the question, "What Are Non-Jerks?" Could take me a while to research that one and the trip to Indiana University to meet with the sociology department, well, I best stick to Google.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

TTombs . . .could be the place. Tool Academy. Why don't YOU write a hub about how one goes about getting accepted into this inprestigious establishement? What are the courses? How do you graduate? I think you owe it to HubVille to write this.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Susan: I would think that (the) flashing of centerfolds in Hustler to elderly guys IS THE lowest act that a regular jerk or bigger jerk could ever do. Besides steal money from a storefront Santa at Christmas.

We might be onto something here . . .but not a jerk hub, but a hub about "How Not to Be a Lovable Santa." Hopefully, Billy Bob Thornton is not a member of Hubs.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Jasontoheal: Thanks, buddy. I needed your input in a bad way. Appreciate that so much. Go out and have a great Wednesday!

Kenneth


tamron profile image

tamron 4 years ago

Hey I think I know some of these jerks! Great hub!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, Tamron! I KNOW I do. Thank you, dear friend, for your VERY-NEEDED AND APPRECIATED COMMENT.

Hope you have a great day and I think I owe you a Big Thanks for being my follower. I really mean that.

Kenneth


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Haha...we all know these types! I have, over the years, found my own devious ways to get even with them, but it hardly seems worth it now. They'll get their's eventually...

Great hub!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear catgypsy,

so have I and yes, they WILL get theirs when its all over. Thanks for your comment, dear friend, and time you spent in doing the comment and reading.

Kenneth

A NON-JERK


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 2 years ago from Florida

Hi Kenneth,

Jerks are not in my orbit---I suppose I do not slow down enough for them to become attached in my life.

You are still the "King of Funny."

Bobbi Purvis


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Bobbi,

Hi. It has been such a long time since we talked. How are you? I have really missed you, Dear Bobbi. I hope you are well and life is good for you, one of my dearest friends and followers.

I have been on HP for a long stretch of time and in the past two months, my daughter has spent 70 straight days in a hospital in Birmingham, Ala., UAB, Birmingham for a blood clot in her lungs that caused serious complications including her being on the ventilator for a few weeks.

But God, in His amazing grace, healed her and she is coming home Monday, Aug. 25.

And It is always GREAT to hear from you.

You can write me anytime you like.

And thanks for the sweet comment.

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