Are You Hampering Your Hubby

Is your Hubby Hampered?

Is he giving up on you?

Did you know that many many wives are hampering their husbands on a daily basis? If you are wondering why your husband isn't initiating intimacy as often as he once did, perhaps there is some hampering going on!

No, I am not talking about getting your husband to pick up his dirty socks and underwear and place them in the laundry hamper. (although men if you are reading this please make the effort, your wife will appreciate it...)

I am going to be mainly talking to the ladies/wives today (but honestly in some situations the roles are reversed, so it won't hurt you men/husbands to read this also.) In a previous hub-page and article we covered the topic of fulfilling your husband's sexual needs. Today we will cover another aspect of the sexual part of your marriage.


Initiation-Does it Exist?

If you've been married awhile (or have been in a sexually monogamous relationship for any length of time) you've probably noticed your husband doesn't initiate love making as often as he once did. In fact this is so common that many women begin to feel that their husbands no longer find them physically attractive or have stopped "being in love" with them. Generally though this is NOT the case.

There are several possibilities behind what could be causing your husband to initiate sex less frequently. Here are some of the top reasons:

  1. Exhaustion. It could be that your husband has crammed his schedule so full that by the time he gets home all he wants to do is nothing (or at most sit in front of the TV, or go directly to sleep). While this is becoming more and more common in today's culture (who of us hasn't over-scheduled at some point? Work,sports, church activities, kid's extra-curricular programs, home repairs, maybe even a little community service. It all adds up.) it usually won't be to the extreme that your husband isn't craving sex with you everyday (or in the case of some of us guys, every couple of minutes!). So it's a good bet this is NOT what is causing your hubby to no longer seek out intimacy with you.
  2. Medical Conditions. A medical condition could exist that causes his body not to work in the way it once did. Men are (quite strangely) influenced by their "man-hood". If "Princess Sofia" (sorry, movie reference) no longer wants to come out and play it can be extremely embarrassing. Not only will they be embarrassed to let you his own wife know (and hence he no longer initiates), but chances are they won't be seeking a Dr's advice or help on the situation either (Men generally hate Dr's. to begin with and to bring up a problem with our most intimate organ is definitely not high on our fun things to do list.) The good news is, that if this is determined to be the case there are tons of options and other ways available to solve this issue. However, with all the help available for this problem, chances are good that this is also NOT what is causing the decrease in desire shown by your husband.
  3. Fear of Rejection. This will either be # 1 or #2 on the top of the list of things that can plague a man's libido. If your husband has repeatedly tried to initiate love-making with you only to be told "Not right now" or "I'm just not in the mood tonight" or worse "Quit being so horny all the time, it's not right to want sex every night!" then chances are good he won't be wanting to risk any further rejection (especially from this woman that is supposed to be his life partner and lover). In order to preserve even an iota of dignity he will probably just stop asking (or initiating) to be intimate with you. To overcome this issue simply start saying "YES" EVERYtime he asks or initiates! I'm sure there are women reading this that are saying "really is Everytime absolutely necessary?". If you could take even a small glimpse into a man's psyche (and yes your husband IS a man) then you would see that yes it IS absolutely necessary! Men are so much more sensitive then we let on, and once we've been hurt or rejected (especially by our wives!) we will seek to avoid any re-occurance of those feelings. You see it's not that we men Don't HAVE feelings, it's that we choose not to experience any feelings that cause discomfort or pain. I know "choosing feelings" is an alien concept to most women, but yes that's what we men do. By telling your husband "YES" every time (and really bringing yourself to get on board with the idea, and enjoy the act, and better yet make it clear to us men that you are enjoying it!) you can build up your husband's self-confidence back to the point where he is ready and willing to start initiating love-making with you often. I can hear it now "the last thing I need is him initiating sex MORE often!, Isn't twice a month enough?!?" If this is you please read my hubpage/article on advice for Newlywed Wives. It's not just for newlyweds ALL women can benefit from that article greatly! The amazing thing about the cure for this problem by giving him some self-confidence back, is that it extends way beyond the bedroom! Once he has gained back his self-confidence it will radiate out to his career, to his fathering skills, to his Spiritual leadership, and every aspect of his life. When our wives show us that we can "win" at some things and accomplish at least some of our "goals" then we have a tendency to carry that into all our relationships and performances.
  4. Wife Hampering. This point sort of goes along with the above Fear of Rejection, but it is psychologically much deeper. We as husbands (at least all the husbands I know of that are in it for life) LOVE OUR WIVES and WANT to make them HAPPY! We've already established (in a previous article) that husbands WANT sex WITH THEIR WIVES, and WANT to see THEIR WIVES ENJOYING sex with US. Note that last sentence ladies...we WANT OUR WIVES don't make us regret that. So, back to the issue at hand: If we are hearing you complain about physical ailments we usually assume that any chance for sex that night has been called off. When we get home from work and hear "I've had a terrible head-ache all day" or "I've felt nauseous today", or even "I'm really tired tonight and don't feel like doing anything else." chances are really good that we won't be trying to initiate sex that night. As (in our minds) you've said (regardless of the words you've used or the type of complaint) that "there will be no sex tonight because I don't feel like a 20 year old supermodel today." so why would we risk almost certain rejection? Based on that last statement I have to add here, that when you make disparaging remarks about your body we often hear a "no sex tonight" statement there as well. Guess what? Here's a little known fact (or maybe just little believed by wives): Husbands love to see their wives naked, and think their wife's body is amazing (no matter how many stretch marks from babies, or pimples on your butt there may be)! We don't see all those imperfections you keep seeing in yourself (or at the very least don't focus on them if we truly love our wife). So, unless you are planning on posing in the next SI Swimsuit Edition, stop ragging on yourself and try to see your body through your husband's eyes. It still amazes me that my wife thinks it's strange that I love to look at her (post 3 children) body. I love seeing my wife naked, and I'm sure most husbands enjoy their wives as well!

Those are the top 4 reasons I can think of for a husband no longer initiating sex with their wives. Pay attention because chances are you can cure the ailment with your actions.

A Final Thought

I just wanted to leave you with a final thought. I want you to know that if your husband/partner has an affair or cheats on you in anyway, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Each person makes their own decisions (based primarily on their morals and values, but sometimes on the stupidity of the moment) and therefore are responsible for their decisions. However, that being said I truly believe that most husbands (or life partners) will rarely cheat or even consider an affair if their sexual needs are being met. (and in a woman's case their emotional needs as well). So as a loving spouse/partner we need to do whatever it takes to make sure our spouse/partner is feeling our love and having their needs met.

Here's to a healthy happy marriage!

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Leave YOUR feedback. 2 comments

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kgartman 5 years ago from Washington Author

Fair and Free- Completely understood, there are lots of women in that boat, and I apologize for that, truly I do. Many husbands have become too complacent and as you say more like one of the kids instead of the man of the house.

One of the articles I have written "Keep her tanked" talks about exactly what you mention. http://www.squidoo.com/keep-her-love-tank-full?sho...

Guys get off your butts, put the beer down, and show your wife some love by speaking her language (i.e. acts of service, quality time, gifts, and non-sexual physical touch)...If your wife's love tank is full chances are yours will be filled also.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate your input.


fair and free 5 years ago

In our case...it could be exhaustion. Sleap apnea can make a man exhausted, serious 'snorers' usually have some form of sleep apnea. Wifes of men with sleep apnea who refuse to deal with the apnea become fearful and tired.

Medical Cause...see above.

Fear of Rejection...maybe but then again maybe not. How about 'familiarity breeds contempt'. "She know what I need, why do I have to ask?"

Wife Hampering? Well, maybe I wouldn't worry about all my little imperfections if I received a compliment occasionally.

I am grateful that you've presented your point of view, most men including my husband wouldn't take the time. Here's the thing...I am tired. My husband comes home from work daily and sits on the couch and watches TV. I on the other hand am going long and strong until about 11 PM at which time I take about an hour online to myself.

I said yes for years. Then one night, I couldn't keep my eyes open and I wasn't being appreciated and I said no. Ever since it's been, "why should I ask - you always say no". Really? Always?

Grow Up Guys. Pick up your socks and throw in a load of laundry every once in awhile, tell her she's pretty once a month while hugging her and for God's Sake take some initiative - don't wait to be told to mow the lawn - you're not one of her kids - you're her man.

Maybe then she'll take a little initiave in the bedroom.

BYW - Women talk, lots of women are in my boat. Lots and lots of men talk your talk. We're not really buying it - maybe it's time you tried it our way cause it ain't working your way.

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