Attracting the Opposite Sex

or Whatever... Each To His Own

In chapter one (that’s Genesis) of the Bible, it’s reported

God said, “Go forth and multiply, and get this planet sorted!”

Most beasts, at once, went out and found another beast they courted

Remembering that “kind to kind” as they had been exhorted

But the Wildebeest, as from day one, it has been purported

Found no matter how he tried, his domestic plans were thwarted

Forgive the gentle Wildebeest for his lugubrious face,

For you, I’m sure, would look as sad if you were in his place.

God said, “Go forth and multiply, and thus increase your race”

But hadn’t told the Wildebeest exactly where his place

Was on the local food chain…between burger and battered plaice

If the food chain were a pyramid… Lion would be apex.. Wildebeest the base.

 

To catch his mate, the weaver bird does things with twigs and grasses

But cleverly seems not to need to go to weaving classes.

Mandrills and baboons make do with showing off their arses.

And, take my word, the brightest pink each other arse surpasses

Snails, those slow hermaphrodites, shag any snail that passes.

And Chavs all wear designer clothes and big Bulgari glasses.



Polar bears dig polar snares to trap their bear essentials

Orientals seem to dream of other Orientals

Landlords, to entice young ladies slyly drop their rentals

For penthouse flats or pieds-à-terre and other fundamentals.

Moët Champagne and caviar are the Plutocrats’ essentials

Whilst New Age mums feed New Age chums on pulses, beans and lentils.

Firemen with ladders do, with hydrants, pipes and hoses
Firemen with ladders do, with hydrants, pipes and hoses

 

To attract one of the other sex, however one disposes

Clairvoyants seeking Psychics, hunt, the tarot card discloses

And fatalists pessimistically search bleakly, one supposes.

Firemen with ladders do with hydrants, pipes and hoses.

Inuits or Eskimos apparently rub noses;

Whilst modern man does what he can with chocolates and roses.

Oops!
Oops!

But Wildebeest to propagate with other Wildebeest

Migrate in herds of one-point-four million at the least

They plod clockwise from East to West and then from West to East

And kindly give themselves to lion and leopard as a feast

And those that don’t succumb to floods where waters have increased

Are snatched by hungry crocodiles and thus become deceased.

Snails, those slow hermaphrodites, shag any snail that passes.
Snails, those slow hermaphrodites, shag any snail that passes.

 

So cry, “Hurrah!” for polar bears and landlord snares, and desirable locations

And rats and cats and vampire bats; Shout “Well done!” with elation.

To bird-dogs; bullfrogs; lapdogs; hogs; it’s time for celebration,

“For you, with all your fecund crew have helped preserve creation”.

For every creeping thing that creeps deserves my admiration

Because each sniffed out with nose or snout to increase its population.

Snails and quails and chaps in gaols, find mates in all locations.

And Chavs have proved that Chav taste brings sexual culmination.

Daddy Bears with Mummy Bears make Baby Bears their creation

Tempting little Goldilocks with their cooked breakfast collation.

But for Wildebeest, domestic life does not fulfil expectation

For as it goes… there’ll be no next Wildebeest generation.

For as it goes there'll be no next Wildebeest generation.
For as it goes there'll be no next Wildebeest generation.

More by this Author


Comments 44 comments

Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 6 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time.

Really???


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Yup! It's really true.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Hi! And thanks for the really lovely fan mail. Kiwi? We're almost neighbours. I was brought up in Perth, West Australia. We Antipodeans should stick together. obviously I'm new to this site, but am enjoying what I have seen so far... Enjoying yours, and finding it an inspiration to take my finger out, and produce more of my own.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

Forgive an American by way of Ireland for butting in. Another beauty; clever, witty, and a vocabulary to die for. Not to fawn, but I get no little amount of inspiration from your work. More people must read you.


rebekahELLE profile image

rebekahELLE 6 years ago from Tampa Bay

brilliant! get ready for an onslaught of readers as Christoph so kindly introduced you in the forums. it's always a treasure to find such ingenious writers here, and you will find them. welcome and enjoy. I detect a bit of Dr. Suess style writing and meter. This would make an amazing picture book!


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thank you Rebekah. That really is kind. Actually, I have never read any Dr. Suess. Maybe I should. Now Christoph is a writer I have just discovered, but I love what I've already read of his.


KKalmes profile image

KKalmes 6 years ago from Chicago, Illinois

Hello TL, again with the exceptional talent of a comedian, poet-laureate.

Rave, rave, rave...


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Wow! Thank you, K. I am very new to Hubpages and really wasn't sure whether this was a vehicle for posting "poetry" or verse, or whether I should behave myself. I really appreciate your interest. Thank you. On the Poet Laureate front, I suppose I'd better approach the Queen and see if I can stand in line.

Thanks again.


Jewels profile image

Jewels 6 years ago from Australia

Class entertainment - the writing I mean. I didn't help much with multiplying the masses but the practice was good.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Christoph. Snap, as they say. It was after reading your incredibly clever and funny piece on 'Noah Compulsive Hoarder of Animals' (please excuse me if I have misquoted the title), that I decided to post 'Attracting the Opposite Sex'. And it was your reference to OCD that spurred me on to write the OCD story. It's been in my mind for ages, but I had not, until then, able to find the way to start. You, Christoph, were MY inspiration.


Debby Bruck profile image

Debby Bruck 6 years ago

Complete agreement with rebekahELLE and Jewel and all the others who have commented on this and the "Have you heard of the Mondscheinsonate?" Hubpage. We look forward to reading the artistry of rhythm, movement, and the song of your words. Many blessings this Thanksgiving season. Debby


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Debby, Thanks. I didn't realise it had swung by again. And have a happy Thanksgiving yourself and all those you love. I do feel very happy and humble to read such kind words.

Thank you.


Candie V profile image

Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

I followed a line of bread crumbs to you.. and I'm thrilled to be here! Thank you to the bread crumb dropper, the journey was well worth the price of admission!

Twilight Lawns - fantastic! I grabbed a hankie whilst pondering the fate of the "Wilderbeast's Lament".. Excellent!


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Jewels, I love your comment: "I didn't help much with multiplying the masses but the practice was good".

Ha Ha Ha!!!


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Welcome, Candie. Glad you could make it. Thank you for coming, and thank your for your compassion concerning the Wildebeest... the next time I meet one, I'll give him (or her) your regards. That may help to make her (or him) smile.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

"Snails, those slow hermaphrodites, shag any snail that passes."

LOL. THAT is great poetry.

I'm really glad you showed up at HP. We've had some really great writers that sort of moseyed along, it's nice that someone new rode into town.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thank you Shades. Maybe this is as I see the world. But of course, it's great to be appreciated.

Thank you for the welcome.


Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 5 years ago from Euroland

Reading this masterclass I am feeling slightly embarassed by my hackneyed efforts that you have witnessed. But it will soon pass of course, my ego is bigger than my shame.

This is good stuff Twilight (don't know the right way to describe poetry) - clever, interesting, amusing, oh and it rhymes.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thank you, Mark. I love the comment. I might just plagiarise that some day. This is a subject that is very close to my heart... If I have seen one herd of wildebeest charging through Africa to be drowned, eaten, crushed, lost, eaten again and generally made to feel that nobody cares, I've seen a dozen.

I'm standing up loud and proud, and saying, "I care!"


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...well this is certainly an epic write full of great humor tempered by your intellectual inclinations with vivid off the wall imagery ....say you don't happen to enjoy Monty Python do you - or the Goon show - I also see a lot of music in your writing - perhaps you've heard of the Bonzo Dog Band - if not go to You Tube and type in their name.

Yes like another comment made up above - I wish some more people could read you - you're absolutely fabulous and in world all of your own - which I always admire about writers if they can pull it off - and you certainly do - and very well!! Bravo and classic!!!


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Firstly, may I answer two questions:

No! I wasn't in the UK when Monty Python was fashionable, and I didn't think they were as clever as The Goons. But the latter had the advantage of being on the radio where one had to create one's own mental images, and TV could never come up to that.

I can remember having heard the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, but can remember little else. I named my cat cat in honour of them... Is that good enough?

I suppose not. Dear old Bonzo would be so upset to hear your reply.

'tis true, kind Sir: I lurk in the shadows, offering my wares, but no-one thinks me worthy of the sixpence I am asking.

Ah! Back home to mother, with my usual excuses... A willingness to please, is not enough.

Thank you, anyway, for passing through this grubby neighbourhood, and at least noticing me.

Enough of this tomfoolery. Thank you so much for your amazing comments.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Ditto to all the prior accolades, plus votes and praises!

Twilight Lawns for President!

Or at least, Headmaster.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thank you. I will accept. Will you be my First Lady at the Inauguration?

Now, as this is the first time i have looked at it for a while, I am going to edit the hub so that the verses stand out more clearly. I certainly wouldn't have waded through this in this form.

You did. therefore, you DESERVE to be First Lady.

Come back, dear First Lady, and have a look when I have put my recently gained knowledge of hub creating into practice, please.

Thank you.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

hm-m-m-. Well, it is a gracious and tempting invitation. But "First Lady" is not just a one-night-stand title, you know. I might have to give it a lot of thought - and so should you! LOL ;->

Anyhow, if all it takes to qualify is to wade through a lengthy hub without pictures of hunky firemen to hold a girl's interest, well, then - I'm not sure whether it can be considered a bonafide flattering offer. But speaking of the added illustrations - all of them - they do add a lot to the story! You certainly did find some great ones!


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

I hadn't realised how tedious it was with no demarcation between verses. Actually, I loved using that verse pattern so much... it makes it quite obvious that there isn't the hint of genuineness (Is there such a word0 in the whole piece.

But i do feel sorry for the Wildebeest... he is my favourite animal in any wildlife programme... what a stoic.

Loved your comment: "But "First Lady" is not just a one-night-stand title"


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

My typographical skills are crap! See above.


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Well Ian this proves that the shackles can be cast aside and that wild imagination of yours can be expandulated. This is a very cleverly worded ode to copulation, sorry population, sorry procreation, sorry creation, sorry create, sorry great! That's what i meant.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Brilliant, my friend. You are possibly the cleverest wordsmith on HP that I have read, and your approval is wonderful to read.

You always make me laugh. Thank you.


Sunnie Day 5 years ago

Awesome poem Ian! I am catching up on hubs finally. I seem to hit some of the new ones but miss the older posts. Enjoyed it so much. Poor wildebeest! :(

Sunnie


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

I know, Sunnie. He has a very poor time of it, and so does Mrs Wildebeest. No wonder, as this exceptionally talented poet says:

"Forgive the gentle Wildebeest for his lugubrious face,

For you, I’m sure, would look as sad if you were in his place."

Thanks for your visit, and I'm glad you are enjoying your Grand Tour.


Angie Jardine profile image

Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

Sob! Should we start a Save the Wildebeest campaign ... or will there be another 1.5 million of them along in a minute?

Great hub, TL ... just love your surreal humour.

And where would we be without anthropomorphism? (Wish I knew what that meant.)

All the best ...


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

I love your sense of humour, Angie: "will there be another 1.5 million of them along in a minute?". Thanks for coming by and enjoying it. I had to do a Google search/Wiki search, and as it was loading, I suddenly realised I knew. Yay! But don't do that too often; it taxed the old brain.


toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 5 years ago

If only this species I could help procreate

To increase their population and help them propagate

No more wildebeest, this I would hate

We have to save them it can't be too late

We have got to try at any rate

To save them from being on a predator's meal plate

I wouldn't want extinction to be the wildebeest fate

We must take action, we really can't wait

I'd take two together a female and her mate

and encourage them to be in a romantic state

To make them my pets, it would be innate

Baby wildebeests would be just great!


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

TKI, I bow to you and to that... Brilliant, my friend. I pass the baton to you.

"Toknowinfo" for Poet Laureate. Yay!

I'm going to send a letter to Her Majesty right away, and you'll be up there in no time.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

I needed a dose of Ian today so I dug this up. I'm not certain how to help the wildebeest with their copulation problem but plan to do extensive research this weekend. I do what I can for the wild.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

You are such a wonderful self-effacing person Randy. Thank you so much. I don't know about the USA, but for some reason there are some silly little by-laws which stipulate that we don't take up animal husbandry too literally, but if you can do so in the spirit of research, I'm sure the Animal Rights brigade won't bother too much.

I always found that if you take your common or garden Wildebeest to a nice restaurant and treat him/her with respect, and perhaps have the odd gypsy violins at the table, and perhaps a special vintage bottle of Pinot Grigio (they love a good French wine)... You know how it works. And then a leisurely ride back to his/her apartment in a horse drawn open carriage.

You're in there. You might even be asked to stay for breakfast.

Good luck. Just don't rush it.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

Thank you for those instructions.... will a ukulele work as well as a violin? I'm kinda partial to Island music.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

There's no accounting for taste. I'll run the idea of the ukulele past the next wildebeest I meet and see what she/he thinks.

I was thinking that there's almost a hub there... In beautifully crafted iambic pentameter. Then again; maybe not.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma

Great poem. We all need our other half and finding them is indeed an adventure.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thanks for sloping by, Pamela. I am becoming much more selective in the hubbers I read, lately. Time is too precious for reading hubs that are not worth much.

Yours, on he other hand, are always worth reading. Thank you for keeping up the good standard.


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

I believe you. Original, creative, beautiful...


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

A little easier on the emotions, Vinaya. Thank you for another visit.


shalini sharan profile image

shalini sharan 4 years ago from Delhi

this was really full and entertainment and it was very creative


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thank you for coming to have a look around. I'm glad you were entertained. That was my aim.

And it's given me the opportunity to read it again. I had forgotten it was here.

Thank you.

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