BAD DATES: All You Ever Wanted To Know And More

BAD DATES. Everyone has had, at one time or another, a bad date. To me, there is a distinct area of confusion as to the true definition of a "bad" date. What I'm struggling to say is what "we," the civilized peoples of the world call a bad date is someone who is a few minutes late, doesn't wear the right clothes, talks with a twang in their voice and uses a perfume or cologne not to our liking. And we love to sit back and say these describe a "bad" date. Boy, do we all have to go "back to school," on this one.

DON'T BE UPSET. We all, including yours truly, have to face facts on the dating scene. I cannot quote the correct ratio of bad dates versus good dates, but I'd wager four-dollars and sixty cents that "bad" dates out number good dates. What do you think?

OTHER SIGNS OF A BAD DATE (people's eyes are censored due to being ashamed of their awkward date skills)

AVOID, PLEASE, THE USE OF A CELL PHONE ON YOUR DATE. THIS IS A SURE-FIRE ROMANCE "DEAL-BREAKER."
AVOID, PLEASE, THE USE OF A CELL PHONE ON YOUR DATE. THIS IS A SURE-FIRE ROMANCE "DEAL-BREAKER."
IF YOUR DATE BRINGS COMPANY ALONG ON YOUR DATE, JUST CALL UP YOUR BUDDIES AND SHOOT POOL.
IF YOUR DATE BRINGS COMPANY ALONG ON YOUR DATE, JUST CALL UP YOUR BUDDIES AND SHOOT POOL.
A GIRL THAT TOO CUTESY CUTE IS NOT GOOD ON A DATE FOR MAY CAUSE YOU SOME OPEN SHAME.
A GIRL THAT TOO CUTESY CUTE IS NOT GOOD ON A DATE FOR MAY CAUSE YOU SOME OPEN SHAME.
GIRLS, IF YOUR DATE PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS MOUTH CONSTANTLY, STAY HOME.
GIRLS, IF YOUR DATE PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS MOUTH CONSTANTLY, STAY HOME.
AFTERMATH OF A BAD DATE FOR THIS GUY WHO THOUGHT HIS BLIND DATE DIDN'T USE PROFANITIES.
AFTERMATH OF A BAD DATE FOR THIS GUY WHO THOUGHT HIS BLIND DATE DIDN'T USE PROFANITIES.
MATCHING WARDROBE--YUKKK! TALK ABOUT AN AWKWARD, BAD DATE. THIS IS IT.
MATCHING WARDROBE--YUKKK! TALK ABOUT AN AWKWARD, BAD DATE. THIS IS IT.
MIS-MATCHING DOESN'T MEAN A GOOD TIME ON A DATE, BUT A BAD, BAD DATE.
MIS-MATCHING DOESN'T MEAN A GOOD TIME ON A DATE, BUT A BAD, BAD DATE.

(This hub is dedicated to Catgypsy, for her inspiring this hub idea. Thanks, catgypsy. I love to give credit where credit is due. ~~~Kenneth).



YOU WOULD BE SAFE IN SAYING that this is three hubs in one. One section will deal with "How To Spot a Bad Date." One section will expose, "What Not To Do On A Bad Date," and the last area of conversation will be, "How To Avoid Bad Dates."

MY BASES ARE COVERED with my tell-all hub with multiple-ideas, that are for ONE REASON. And one reason only. To help both the guys and girls not only avoid, but know a bad date and the tell-tale signs that the date you are on maybe headed toward the awful place called: "Bad Land."

ARE YOU READY? Are you sitting in a comfortable La-Z-Boy recliner with your laptop? Are you with favorite beverage in-hand? And finally, are you ready to learn some harsh truths about the taboo subject of "bad dates?" Okay. My first section is . . .

How to Spot a Bad Date (Ladies first)

  • If he shows up at your apartment smelling like Chicken-of-The-Sea tuna, then you know right then that this is going to be a bad date.

  • If he tells you, "hey, doll, would you duck in the men's room at the gas station on the corner and get me a condom?" you know automatically that this date is going to be bad.

  • If when eating, he never bothers to use his napkin and continues talking with mustard, steak sauce and grease on his face. Bad date for sure, ladies.

  • When you get into his car, and he tries right then and there to "put the moves on you," hey, this is definitely a bad date.

  • If he uses a fake name, then you know that this is a bad date and you need to get out fast.

How to Spot a Bad Date (Men, your turn)

  • If your date insists on bringing her brother, "Nedd," along, then your date is a bad date.

  • If she walks to you juggling cacti, knives and live rattlesnakes, get out now. This is a bad date, guys.

  • If your date wants to play "Blind Man's Bluff" in the restaurant before you dine, call a cab. Walk out. Run. For this date has "bad" written all over it.

  • If your waiter, a guy named, "Big Bill," asks your date for her phone number--and she gladly hands it over, get real, man! This is headed for doom.

How to Avoid a Bad Date (Ladies first)

  • When your girlfriend, "Margie," says, "Girl, have I got a stud for you," that can mean only one thing: An overly-aggressive, ape-like man who has been taught (from birth) that women are on earth for one reason: Breeding.

  • When your potential-date calls you and the first thing out of his mouth is, "I do a great circus clown routine with make-up and all," tell him you are sick and cannot leave your apartment. And he cannot visit you for you have "Brazlian Foot Fungninitus," and it is highly-contagious.

  • Your other girlfriend, "June," a sweet girl, points your blind date out to you and he is doing a dog barking impression on the sidewalk for change, then tell sweet "June," you prefer men, not canines, for dates.

  • When he knocks on your door and you look through the "peephole" only to see a guy wearing only a pair of Levi jeans, a necklace made from shark teeth, no shoes, no shirt and cheap sunglasses, pretend you are not home. Unless you like to explore the unknown regions of the uncharted lands of The Bayou in Louisiana.

  • When he asks you while walking to the car, "excuse me. I have to take a leak," and does that. On the sidewalk. In daylight. Please, ladies, if you have any sense, yell, run, and get back to your apartment. The shame alone this guy will give you will scar you for life.

How to Avoid a Bad Date (Men, your turn)

  • If she calls you constantly--hours before you are to pick her up, she is either nuts or very possessive. Think this through, guys. Are you ready for a mother-figure in your single life?

  • If she adamantly wants you to call her, "Twirls," and her name is Janet, something else is going on with her. You realize your suspicions are true when she demands that you take her to the nearest strip club to meet her old friends.

  • She "wolfs-down" her baked chicken like a starved hyena only taking time out to wave at strangers in the restaurant, she is definitely not for you.

  • She wears a skirt so short that ALL of the male patrons, including five waiters, follow you to your table and sit on the floor pretending to look for someone's lost contact lenses. This spells trouble. Not for her, but you.

  • If she declines a nice dinner at a romantic restaurant and some slow dancing for a catch-up visit with the local chapter of "Satan's Army," a notorious biker gang, then do not turn off the engine of your car. Keep driving. Back to her place. Then leave.

What NOT to Do on a Bad Date (Applicable to Girls and Guys)

  • If you date, for no reason, starts weeping uncontrollably, do not panic. Be cool. He or she may be having a flash-back to some trauma of their own, but if when you ask them, "why are you crying like that?" and they reply, "oh, uhhhh, just for kicks," then you did the right thing in not going into panic-mode.

  • If your date's personality changes, and I mean changes drastically--from angelic to demonic, and begins to talk in a strange voice at you, DO NOT crawl underneath the table. This will only draw unwanted attention from other patrons. Use your sense of touch to dial 9-1-1 on your cell phone and endure this spectacle as long as possible.

  • If you date takes a swing at you, duck. DO NOT use physical force even to fend-off those hard right hooks and upper-cuts from your "Miss America" look-alike. And ladies, if your guy does this very same thing to you, point your sharp steak knife in his face and declare, "one more move and you will have your PRIVATES for dessert."

  • If your date starts heaving yeast rolls and pork chops at you because they love the "food fight" scene in "Animal House," do not cause a scene. Just politely get up. Smile at "Bluto," or "Blutoette," and leave in an obscure manner. The manager will make them pay for the mess. Not you.

  • If your date demands, "dance with me, sweet cheeks," get up and pretend to dance. And then leave as fast as possible. You are in the right by doing this for this is a non-dancing restaurant and there is NO music. Get my drift?

10 Things That Can Make Any Date BAD. And Fast

  1. Talking about old girl or boyfriends constantly to your date. And you are not sharing troubles either, but how she or he "rocked your world," each time you went out with them. Your new date will feel intimidated. Embarrassed. And want to leave. Thanks to you.

  2. You keep gazing at the girl (or guy) at the next table--blowing sensuous kisses at them and winking. All night while your date tries to connect with you.

  3. You slap the waiter on the rump. Each time he (or she) comes to your table.

  4. You grab his or her dessert and blurt out, "just trying to keep your belly from getting any bigger."

  5. Confessing (and this is for MEN ONLY) that your main hobby is watching "triple X" pornographic movies all weekend.

  6. Confessing (and this is for GIRLS ONLY) that you enjoy showering with strange men at the ACME 24-7 Truck Stop just down the interstate.

  7. Not making sure that your fly is zipped. (this is for both sexes.)

  8. Wearing your blouse TOO OPEN when you go out in public. (GIRLS ONLY).

  9. Wearing your Hanes briefs on the outside of your pants. (MEN ONLY).

  10. Falling asleep on the table, in your car as you wait in the drive-thru at Arby's, and snoring when your sweet date confesses their inner-most heart's desires on how they really feel about you.

I'm finished.





For More Information on Bad Dates

SHEER AND OPEN BOREDOM

IS A SURE-SIGN THAT YOUR DATE THAT YOU THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE A FUN TIME, IS GOING TO BE A BAD DATE. WITH PAINFUL MEMORIES AFTERWARDS.
IS A SURE-SIGN THAT YOUR DATE THAT YOU THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE A FUN TIME, IS GOING TO BE A BAD DATE. WITH PAINFUL MEMORIES AFTERWARDS.

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Comments 18 comments

JayeWisdom profile image

JayeWisdom 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

Kenneth....Funny, funny, funny! I sit here still laughing!

By the way, is any of that autobiographical, or strictly from your lurid imagination?

Jaye


hoteltravel profile image

hoteltravel 4 years ago from Thailand

Belly is hurting, kenneth. I missed your humor in the last few days. This hub makes up for it. I loved the '10 Things That Can Make Any Date Bad' the most. Voted all the way up and funny.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Jaye, both. LOL! Thanks so much for your lively comment. And YOUR comment along with hoteltravel's words, made ME happy, so we all win. All of this hub is REAL advice to people who are so desperate they do not bother to check the person out who they are going out with or taking out themselves.

Just wanted to help ONE LONELY soul.

Kenneth and PS: thanks again, Jaye.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, hoteltravel,

and I thank YOU sincerely for your reaction to this hub. Hey, I have been on a date when the girl talked so much that I DID get drowsy, but I had a job in a factory then, and she was a year younger than me. Still a senior in high school. She was 18. I was 19. Later in life, I met her in a dentist office of all places, where she worked, and I apologized for saying, "Im bored stiff," that night when she asked me, "something wrong?" And thank God, she laughed. I still, to this day, feel bad for saying that.

Thanks again.

Kenneth


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

Kenneth - those are HILARIOUS! haha - I'm voting across the board! Haven't we all experienced some awful dating moments? Here are a couple of my own personal faux pas:

On one of my earliest dates, being so shy and not even good at speaking up among my own older siblings at home, I was so ill-at-ease, self conscious and embarrassed because I couldn't think of a thing to SAY. The silence hung heavily; - I guess the poor boy was timid too, or was made timid by my silence. Finally, grasping at straws, I decided to sing. But my mind was so numb, the only song that came to mind was one I'd learned in music class in school. It went:

A little Dutch boy and a little Dutch girl

Sat dreaming on a hill.

"Tick-tock, tick-tock" went the funny old clock

And the little old mill went round and round

And round went the little old mill.

Said the little Dutch boy to the little Dutch girl,

"When will you say 'I will'?"

"Tick-tock, tick-tock" went the funny old clock

And the little old mill went round and round

And round went the little old mill.

Down in the valley,

Grandma used to tell,

There was a chalet

With a quaint old wishing well.

So the little Dutch boy built the little Dutch girl

A chalet on the hill.

"Tick-tock, tick-tock" went the funny old clock

And the little old mill went round and round

And round went the little old mill.

Can you even conceive of a WORSE message to send out, even if the idea of singing had been any good whatsoever? Yikes!

_____________

Another time, when I was in my teens and way ahead of my time, fashion-wise (or behind it, - not sure which, - depending on which side of "Gone With The Wind" it was) - I'd made myself a darling sun-dress with a big full hoop skirt, which I proceeded to wear on a movie date. We sat in the balcony, where the seat rows were close together, with narrow floor-space and steeply stacked upward so everyone had a view of the screen. It was a popular weekend night with a full theater. When we made our way into and along our row to get to the two remaining empty seats somewhere in the middle, it was - er - touch and go. But the real fiasco occurred when we sat down. My hoop lassoed the person in the seat on the row below around his neck and nearly gagged him. It took awhile to untangle everyone, while the whole balcony was disgusted with the noise and blockage of view! We went ahead and watched the movie. Not surprisingly - I don't have any idea what it was. I must have just sat there, red faced & wishing the floor would open up and swallow me! I don't recall ever being asked out by that boy again.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Wow, thanks Kenneth, for the credit of inspiration...I had no idea! I laughed so hard at this one that I was crying! Thanks to you for some much needed laughter in my life!


Jefflovesnicole profile image

Jefflovesnicole 4 years ago

i know an interesting place to enjoy romantic dating feeling! Wealthychat/CoM, I met my ture love, good luck to u!


inaniLoquence profile image

inaniLoquence 4 years ago from Singapore

Hello again, Kenneth! Long time no read! You have just made my day with this hilarious hub! And now I am writing as if my exclamation marks aren't going to run out! Too funny for my tummy! :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Nellieanna, your stories are not only sad, but now in present day, very funny. You or I, maybe both,need to write a book about "Bad Dates Uncovered" and I bet it would sell because of today's dating scene being so stringent and singles so careful about committing and such. What do you think?

Anyway, dear friend, you have a great day and I enjoy all of your comments.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

catgypsy, you are most-welcome. And I meant every word of the dedication. I give credit where credit is due. And YOU truly inspired me to publish this one. Do you have any more inspirational ideas? I could sure use them. Have a sunny, peaceful day, cat.

Sincerely,

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, jefflovesnichole,

sounds great. I think that out of sheer boldness and from my "spirit of adventure" into the unknown, I will check out this site and maybe get some hub ideas. Maybe an idea that will turn into a Best-Seller. I had a man in my past, one of my mentors, say, "Ken, if you are going to dream, dream BIG. Small dreams only come from small minds," and how true he was.

Thanks for your comment.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

inaniLoquence, yes. Long time, no YOU! LOL! Where have you been for so long? Ive missed you. And glad that you came to visit me on this hub and left such a wonderful comment. I appreciate YOU for that. I really do. I hope that success and happiness both come at the same time for you, along with wealth!

Thanks again!

Kenneth

"I'll see that Dorothy gets to Oz if I get a brain or not," ~~~line from my favorite Oz character, Scarecrow played by Ray Bolger.


inaniLoquence profile image

inaniLoquence 4 years ago from Singapore

Hello again, Kenneth! Since you're doing requests now (or something along that line), perhaps you can make a hub about "How to ruin your tertiary education!" I feel smart just by thinking about it. HAHA! Then you can go on and on about becoming pregnant (for ladies) and the boys sacrificing their education to work at Walmarts so their new babies would have something to eat.

Thanks! You're welcome! Xie xie!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

inaniLoquence, hello on March 28 at 9:55 a.m., CDST. That is a great idea. And one that I will NOT rule-out as a future hub. You are a wise young woman and that type of hub is probably needed more than my chuckle-a-minute type of things.

So I will give this some thought.

Again, thanks.

Kenneth


inaniLoquence profile image

inaniLoquence 4 years ago from Singapore

@KennethAvery, I do not know what CDST stands for but it sounds important. :) Ok, you think about that as a future hub. Will be looking forward to it since I'm pretty sure you would do it. Cross my fingers! Thanks!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear inaniLoquence, this means Central Daylight Savings Time that we live with in the south. Uggh! And I will, and have been putting your idea to some thought. It does have possibilites.

Thank YOU, inaniLoquence.

Kenneth


Alexandria Colella 4 years ago

Kenneth,

I didn't bother reading your article beyond the bit about "giving credit where credit is due", but I would really like to know who is receiving "credit" for MY photo that you are using as the main image for this article. This is a self portrait that I have never given permissions to anyone to use, and is copyrighted on the Flickr page that I'm sure you found it on.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/today4u/sets/72157594...

I look forward to your response


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

July 23,

Alexandria,

I have been out of town on July 15-20, and now just seeing this. Okay. I apologize. This photo, DID have "Photo Sharing" on it, but since you are the offended party and for good reason, I am taking down this photo NOW. And offer YOU my apologizes for this honest mistake. From now on, Getty Images which are PUBLIC domain.

Okay?

Kenneth

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