Best projectiles to throw at your spouse and when it is advantageous to do so

There are advantages to having a good throwing arm in a relationship


What projectiles should actually be thrown?


The answer to this question, that has befuddled the greatest minds in the study of relationships since the dawn of History, is to consider the nature and identity of the spouse in question and the object you need to achieve in throwing a projectile in the first place.



Since life first began on this planet, there have been occasions when a well-aimed blunt or sharp object, can, not only enhance a flagging relationship, but in some cases, can actually save the life or the reputation of either the thrower or the throwee.



With that notion in mind, I propose to list some situations in both human and animal society, when it would be very advantageous to have the appropriate missile to hand.


Throwing projectiles within the animal kingdom

I would strongly advise all male praying mantises to only approach their spouses from the rear, and to always be armed with a net, to throw over their beloved's head prior to any form of lovemaking. This is due to the unfortunate tendency of the female of that species to dine on their husbands after the act of love has been performed. Alternatively, I suggest that they encourage their wives to take up smoking, as a less lethal form of post coital exercise.

Most species of male spiders ought to do the same as their mantis counterparts, except that they could make their own nets, instead of having to sell their bodies to entomologists to get the money to buy nets, like the mantises would all have to do.

A female great white shark should throw the body of a diver at her husband’s head, (If she really wants to keep him that is). But if the diver is a politician, she should avoid doing so, as they are all "Hot Air", and will either deflate, or explode, on the first bite. This could be either fatal for her husband, or her marriage.

Projectile throwing for historical characters

To Adam, my suggestion would be that he should throw rotten apples at his wife Eve. She should have flung one at the serpent, instead of eating it, thus saving God and Man a lot of hassle and grief ever since.

Cleopatra should have thrown the carpet at Julius Caesar and knocked him into her bath of asses’ milk. It might not have changed anything in history but it would have given generations of students something to laugh at.

Any one of the six wives of Henry VIII should have always have had a hatchet to throw at his head,(usually around two years into the marriage). It would have been very important for them to have known that.

Alternatively they could throw their pearls at his feet, as he was a big fat pig, and they would be throwing their "pearls before swine".

Countess Dracula could throw the key of the local blood bank at her husband. This suggestion is not original. It was taken from a list called "What to give a bloodsucking monster that appears to have everything". The same gift would be ideal for throwing at Sadamm Hussein, George Bush Jnr, Tony Blair, Nicolai Ceauscescu; or indeed, any Finance Minister. Depending on your country, just pick the appropriate name. They are all the same.

Josephine Beauharnais, should throw a one inch condom at her husband, Napoleon Bonaparte. That is all that he would need to cover his one inch "mini manhood" I know it was tiny because it is in a museum and I remember seeing a picture of it.

Eva Braun should have thrown a hand grenade at the head of her husband, Adolf Hitler. If she had done it prior to 1933, she could have saved the world a lot of trouble.

Mrs Elvis Presley should have spent her time throwing guns loaded with blanks at her husband. Then he could have shot televisions without breaking them.

Throwing things comes up to date

Mr Sarah Palin should throw a gag at his spouse, and suggest she wear it permanently, alternatively, he could throw her a mouth shaped foot spa, as putting both feet in her mouth seems to be a natural thing for her. Mrs Mitt Romney should do the same for her husband.

Michelle Obama needs to throw a bag of cat litter at her husband. If you want to find out why this should be check it out here.

http://christopheranton.hubpages.com/hub/Who-really-is-Barack-Obama

Alternatively both female spouses might throw their husbands at the opened jawed head of a Great White shark. The world would probably prostrate itself in gratitude.

I'm sure there are many more candidates for having objects thrown at them. I will leave it to the reader's imagination to think up some more.

How not to conduct a relationship.

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Comments 32 comments

Reynold Jay profile image

Reynold Jay 5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

This is an impressive piece of writing! You could submit this to many publishers and do well with this..Really..Even a newspaper on a dull day. The right Mag would take it in a minute. I laughed aloud at every joke. You have a wild imagination to come up with all this. I would say this is the most impressive piece ever on HUB I have ever seen. This should receive a HUB award. This is now the standard! RJ


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Thanks RJ. If you really know someone who would pay for this kind of trivia, let me know, as I really could do with the money.

I,m really pleased you enjoyed it.


Reynold Jay profile image

Reynold Jay 5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

I'm not familiar with mags, although that is probably your best bet. I do know that you can simply sit at your computer and send it to your local newspaper and others in your state with little ado. I tried it last month, although nothing was accepted, and discovered when you look up any newspaper on the internet, you will find a submissions page. You send it to them and then you are done. If they accept it, you'll get a check. If not... oh well, it wasn't much effort. You could probably make $1,000 bucks or more with this! There is a fellow, Andrew Heller, who writes stuff like this ( your's is better than most of his stuff) that does a weekly humor column and it appears weekly in the Sunday paper and I'd bet he gets $200 per week per paper out of it. RJ


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

I knew it would be great and it was. Really clever stuff. In a hurry now, but will be back soon to watch the vids.

Thanks for playing along!!!


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

RJ Thanks. I will follow your suggestion, and see where it leads.

Stan glad you liked it. I will have to try another one now.


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

This was absolutely delightful. I love the humor!


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

mysterylady 89.

Thanks for visiting. Oh and congratulations to you for winning the prize in the last competition.

It was well deserved.


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

This was delightful, Christopher, I enjoyed reading and chuckling at every single line. Thank you for your projectile creativity.

Although I must admit I did not laugh at the mantis video - that's a terrible price to pay for love.


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Thanks drjb.

At least Mrs Mantis never has to worry about cooking or washing up, or those long awkward pauses that can come after one night stands.

She never has to worry about whether he will ask her out again either.

Things never go past the first date.


Garnetbird 5 years ago

Once in a huff I innocently threw a soft smurfy bag of socks at my "bitter half." Turned out a portable hair dryer was in it and he didn't appreciate my playfulness when it hit him on the nose. We made a new rule not to toss things, even in playful humor. GOOD HUB!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

The Adam and Eve video (I should say videos, as I went on and looked at several others if that ilk) was funny.

Shudder! That manits video was really disillusioning! Love is not a bowl of cherries for that guy! (Wonder what kind of advice our De Greek would have for that couple!!) I didn't pursue the video coverage of other mantis love trysts! One was quite more than sufficient! (The mantis couple bears a slight resemblance to the Adam and Eve couple, don't you think?)

Anyway - your hub was brilliant, as always, Christopheranton. You are good. Your wry humor has no equal! Thanks for an entertaining peek into odd relationships. Woo-hoo!


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Garnetbird.

Throwing things at people can be a bit of a risk, especially socks with hairdryers in them.

Nellieanna.

To receive praise from you is indeed a compliment. Thank you.

There is a slight resemblance between the two couples. It's just a pity that Eve didn't eat Adam after making love, instead of that dammed apple.

Life might have been so much easier for us then.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

I've read that humans are not tasty fare. Perhaps it's been among our advantages in survival - whether the danger is from rabid spouses or famished sharks -if we are a last choice, it does provide us with a bit of head-start! So there is some good news and some bad news in the results.


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Nellieanna.

What you say is undoubtedly very true. Otherwise we should scarcely be able to get out our doors, for all the animals we have hurt queuing up to eat us.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Ain't that the ever-lovin' truth!!


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

This had me laughing so hard. I loved it! Thanks for the laugh and yes some of these are right on.


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Lady Guinevere. Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

Wesman Todd Shaw 5 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

This is so awesome!! :=D I don't know what else to say!


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Glad you liked it Wesman.

Thanks for reading.


lightning john profile image

lightning john 5 years ago from Florida

Really funny! I especially like the Mr. Palen throwing her a gag, He should throw her some brains as well.

Lj


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

lightning john.

Her immune system would probably reject brains.


lightning john profile image

lightning john 5 years ago from Florida

Lol. I know and to think of her being in a position of any power, really is bind boggling. But then I qeuss she would make a good puppet!


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Hi John.

Speaking of puppets and Sarah, check out this brilliant hub by Stan Fletcher.

http://hubpages.com/entertainment/Sarah-Palins-Irr...


lightning john profile image

lightning john 5 years ago from Florida

Thanks for the link! Stan is a very talented writer.

lj


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

lightning john.

You are welcome, and he is.


MissFrost profile image

MissFrost 4 years ago from 50% Island Girl, 25% East Coast Girl, 25% Country Girl

Brilliant! My husband told me he wanted a divorce three days before Christmas...I'm still in shock and extremely sad. But, this piece mad me laugh soooooo very loud! Maybe I can play some of these ideas in my head...don't worry, I won't actually follow through.:)


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 4 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

MissFrost. That was not exactly the Christmas present of a lifetime. I hope things work out for the happiness of both you, and your husband. I'm glad my little article made you laugh. Laughter is still the best medicine.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, Ha ha! loved this! did you know there is a spider called a Gladiator spider that actually spins his web, rotates it around his head then throws it at the prey? cool eh? wouldn't want meet one of those on a dark night!


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 4 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

I certainly wouldn't want to meet one of those Gladiator spiders either, especially if it were one of those which, I hear, have mutated to human size. There are none near where I live Thank God, but there is supposed to be an infestation in Essex.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Thank God I am not an Essex gal! lol!


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 4 years ago from Serbia

Chris, this was indeed fantastic!

I needed a good laugh this morning, and I got it - so my morning coffee and hub-roaming have proven to be a success :)


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 4 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Thanks Nemanja. Laughter definitely is the best medicine.

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