Bisexuality - Coming Out, and Coming to Terms as a Teen

Dear Veronica,

This was posted by "Megan" on my Hub "I'm Gay!" - Advice on Coming Out


This is so hard. I've been questioning my sexuality since I was 9. I'll be 14 in a few days, but I need to tell someone. But I'm afraid to try to talk to anyone I know. Hubpages is the next best thing, right?

Ever since every girl in class started liking the boys, I hadn't liked anyone. It was this way for a long time- years. I knew then I was somehow different.

Then when I was 12, I started having these weird dreams and thoughts. At first, about boys, or so I thought... I had thoughts of both boys and of girls. It was so different and erotic. I kept shutting the thoughts about girls out of my head. This wasn't supposed to happen!

I've talked to my mom, she doesn't mind gays/lesbians. I don't recall how these conversations happened, but it helped me to know that if or when the time came, she'd accept me.

For the better part of the last two years, I've been struggling with my sexual identity. Even though I've never done anything with anyone, I know what I feel. The words "I'm bisexual" are still new to my lips, but I feel so relieved. I know what and who I am. I'm me and I've never felt better.

I want to tell people about my discovery, but I'm not sure they would believe me. I mean, being bisexual is the "cool" thing nowadays. I have friends who claim they are bi. I believe ONE of them. Not the other.

I think the one that I believe really is bi might like me. She looks at me so... differently (for lack of a better word) sometimes.

Considering who to tell, I think of two people. My bi friend or my best friend of 1 and a half years that I tell everything.

I think they'll both support me, but I've got a major case of nerves.

Help?

Dear Megan,

You don't sound 14. Not at all. 

It is absolutely one of the greatest feelings in the world to know that the people that love you, love you unconditionally. Knowing your mother will be there for you, and that you have 2 friends that will support you, is a huge and wonderful thing. 

Much of the advice I offered on the Hub where you commented is based on the idea that coming out can be done in steps. You don't have to start with the hardest one. You can start by just saying the words, saying "I'm gay," to a total stranger online at Shoprite, or walking on the street. Then, you can try telling safer friends, or peripheral friends, or people you're sure will be positive and supportive. And then you can work your way up to the harder conversations if you have any. Sometimes there's a blur or a gray area. There's someone who you know will support you, but you just feel incredibly intense and nervous to tell them. Sometimes there's no real reason why. It's just 

The same basic advice applies to you. 

It's sad that there are people that judge, and people that hate and bash. It's not right that you have to be worried about who to tell, and being believed, but this is the world we live in today. And you're being cautious and responsible is smart. I applaud that. 

Megan there will be many years ahead of you where you can make choices. Choices to take full control of your life. You can choose the company you keep, you can choose to live in a place that's accepting and supportive. You can choose to surround yourself with positive energy and love. 

But right now, at your age, you don't have that power. You have to deal with what you have. And having 2 friends and a supportive Mom is really terrific. 

If I were you I would most likely start with the girl you think likes you. That is, if you like her too. It might be the easiest of the three since she probably has very similar feelings and can very much relate to you. You can always start with strangers too. Whatever you think is easiest.

For some reason you haven't already told your mother, so I'm going to assume that even though you think she's going to be supportive, you just feel a little nervous about this. And that's OK. When you do tell her, it'll be a little easier having had a little practice. 

It's a beautiful thing that you've found relief in knowing who you are. I believe you can't really have a fulfilling life if you aren't honest about who you are. However, coming out at your age is a huge decision. High school can be difficult. I would be irresponsible if I encouraged you to do anything that could put you in danger. And the truth is there is no rush right now Megan. Take your time and evaluate each step as you take it.

Don't feel pressured into moving to fast. You are in a specific situation, living under someone else's roof, "trapped" for the most part in your town and your school, for just a few more years. 

If you decide to wait, there's no shame in that. If you decide you can't wait, just use good judgment and be careful. If you do tell your best friend, and your bi friend, then it is out there. And no matter how much people tell you they won't tell.... they tell. Don't be surprised. And, maybe, don't tell until you're ready for everyone to know. I really do recommend though, that after you tell those first couple of people, you let your mom know what's going on. It's important that she's there for you.

Does it sound like I'm preparing you for the worst? Well maybe I am. It's better to have insurance and never need it. I hope for you that your experiences are all like mine have been - for the most part they've all been positive and accepting. 

Always trust your heart. Namaste.

Do you have a relationship question? Email me through the link in my profile. Thanks!

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tyralynn profile image

tyralynn 4 years ago

i loved it(:

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