Boyfriend is less experienced than Girlfriend. Should he try to catch up?

angela10 asks:

I've been with my fiancé for about 3 1/2 years now and we have a son together.My question is,.....

My man is 51/2 years younger than me and hes never experienced having 2 girls at the same time,... And me on the other hand,.. well lets just say that I have had my share of threesomes,. don't you think that unless he has one than he's always going to wonder what he's missing?,...The thing is when I was fooling around having threesomes, I wasn't worried about losing anybody , it was all 4 fun, But now I'm stuck in this spot because I'm afraid It might change things for us,...Although I don't want to be selfish, because it is an awesome experience, and i want him to experience it.

angela10

Dear angela10,

I assume you've asked me this because you've read my Hub Threesomes: Pros & Cons

I'm curious about one thing. Your question does not say if your boyfriend is interested in having a threesome. You do however clearly say that you think that unless he experiences this, he will always wonder what he's missing. I'm going to have to assume here that he isn't asking you for a threesome, he may not have even asked at all, or said he wanted one. If he has expressed any interest, it wasn't strong enough to mention in your question. The basis of your question is your wanting him to have this experience.

Consider that this is projection on your part. This is a common dilemma when one partner is more sexually experienced than the other. 

Your open mindedness, generosity, concern for his wants, and guardedness of your relationship are all wonderful indicators of maturity, responsibility, and depth. Kudos to you. You're in a good place. And your boyfriend is a lucky man.

But now let's look at what's going on with you.

You're obviously a sexually liberated woman. You've discovered passions and desires that you were free enough to fulfill and enjoy. Your mind is open, and to you, feeling repressed or denied is just unthinkable. You don't want to look back on your life 20 years from now and think, what did I miss? What was I afraid of? What's wrong with being a sensual sexual being?

This is a beautiful way to be, Angela. Many people would and should be envious of your self respect and ability to embrace life.

So now, you find yourself involved with a man, elevating your intimacy and building a life and family together. You know that you can move forward into this connection because you've sewn your wild oats. You've tasted life and lived quite freely, and this is where your path has lead you.

But your man isn't as experienced as you are. This makes you feel odd. You're thinking about his having a threesome now.

You're thinking this way for one of several different reasons. It could be that you're simply maturing. As beautiful as it was to experience different things, and explore life to the fullest, it is just as beautiful to find that one person you want to spend forever with. You've changed. Sometimes that's hard to see, and harder to acknowledge.

By embracing monogamy now, you may be afraid that would mean you're not negating the the open minded life you had prior to this moment. His having an affair at this point in his life and your relationship may be your subconscious way of validating for yourself that your decisions from years ago are still valid and good.

Another thought process you could be having is guilt. If you have tried more than you were actually able to handle, you could feel regret which easily translates toward contamination. the mindset is, it can't have been that bad if he did it too.

I think most likely the reason you're considering his experiencing what you have, is projection. You said, won't he always wonder what he's missing. Meanwhile, I have no indication here that he feels he's missing anything. You're projecting that feeling onto him because that's how you would feel. But that is not necessarily how he feels.

I've never jumped out of an airplane. I have no desire to try it. I will not spend the rest of my life wishing I had, or wondering what I'm missing. I promise, I really don't think about it and have no real desire to try it.

Just because sexual experimentation was an essential part of your growth, doesn't mean it is for your partner. You probably had to satisfy some curiosities, enjoy your life, and live out some desires before developing. maturing, and becoming the woman you are. You look at your less-experienced boyfriend, and you want him to be on the same page you are. You want him to feel fulfilled and satiated. You want him to have and experience all the things you had and experienced, so that he can feel as sure about you and your life together, as you do.

You can see the path of projection if you just think about it.

The truth is, different strokes for different folks. Moderation means different things to different people. Not everybody is as sexually curious as you, not everybody travels such a diverse and rich road to get to their mature relationship.

He may be completely satisfied with the amount of experience he has. He may never wonder he's missed, he may feel just fine about what he's done. And hey maybe years ago had you offered him a threesome he may have accepted. (And hey, the same may be true for you. Things that were cool then, may not be cool anymore for you. There's nothing wrong with that.) Maybe at this point in his life he is where you are, despite not having taken the same path.

This is where this can gets tricky. 

Although he may feel great in his life, the more you bring up his lack of experience, and how much less he's done than you have, the more insecurity you're inviting. He may even start to doubt his comfort. You may make him second guess being satisfied.

As I said in my Threesomes: Pros & Cons hub, threesomes open up Pandora's box. And once it's opened, you can never close it again. By this point in your relationship, you've obviously indicated to him that if he has a sexual fantasy or desire, he can feel comfortable to share his thoughts with you. That's pretty much all you need to do.  If he's not asking you to make the threesome happen for him, then stop bringing it up. Stop questioning his satisfaction. Stop comparing him to you. Stop making him feel less experienced, or simple, or wrong. 

Instead, celebrate his sureness. Let him know you are happy with his choices, you feel great about his commitment, you accept him for exactly who he is. 

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3 comments

stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 6 years ago from Australia

I agree with your thoughts on this subject. Just because she liked the experience doesn't mean he would. They are in a relationship and unless they want to become 'swingers' they shouldn't involve others in it sexually.


Whitney05 profile image

Whitney05 6 years ago from Georgia

She shouldn't force him to have a threesome if he doesn't want. Personally, if he can't keep her sexually satisfied, then that is the problem, not his lack of wanting a threesome or lack of having had a threesome.


kenneth godin profile image

kenneth godin 6 years ago from canada

Agreed!

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