Soon it will be 48 hours without sleep and 3 litres of coffee altogether. Mind works, flesh is present, myself..somewhere else.
Have you ever felt like standing in the middle of intersection and all four directions are equally appealing? You have to go somewhere, but you don't know where. Maybe to the right...what if left is better? You keep on standing there, thinking about a myriad of possibilities, ifs and maybes, your mind plays one scenario after another, hundreds of alterations to those...
It burns you from inside. For the moment it all feels like a huge bonfire, with flames heading straight to the sky. For the moment you desperately want a tsunami to bury it all under tonns of water, but admire it soo much at the same time... you are fascinated so much that if someone gave you a tanker filled with petrol, you'd drive straight into the flames. Just to admire the sight, just for that one second. Hoping that flames will lift your soul high, closer to where it may belong...
..And suddenly it's all quiet. Black and quiet. Dead. Cold, though smoke still comes from the ashes. Everything that once blossomed with all colours of the rainbow, sparkled with drops of crystal clear water after rain - all of it now is no more than a plain blackness with feathers of ash flying around. Everything what was alive is now dead and burried. Covered with black snow. A soft blanket of death, like a carpet to walk on for those who survived.
You want to take a knife and cut it through. You would do anything to get something precious out of the ashes, to restore it, though a few minutes before you were ready to add fireworks to the play. Now you already regret that wish, you are ashamed with the thoughts you had, to the extent that you would be ready to cut your own heart out just to get back a few minutes in time.
But you don't cut it. Instead, you wipe your tears and start clearing the place. Patiently, with no expectations, until you see first signs of life. Then more. And more. Until it blossoms with all colours of the rainbow, sparkles with drops of crystal clear water after rain again. Paradise.
And all of that effort is made solely with the purpose to ruin it all again.
We all know that life goes in circles. Just those circles look like your cardiogram or lightning - it all goes smooth and even, then you shake it up, then down, and then it gets back to normal. Heartbeat, a circle that keeps you alive.
We sometimes blame life for punishing us. Then, like stripes in a pedestrian crossing, there comes the white phase and we feel love for this world.
The general rule is the higher you rise, the lower you fall. Sometimes you rise so high, that you can't walk anymore, you can only fly. Wax wings come out of nowhere, just to get you closer to the sun, and you're no different from a moth playing with fire. Your wings melt and burn, you start falling, but don't know it yet. Your eyes are still focused on the sun.
Sometimes you fall so deep, that there is no more sun around. You look down and it seems there is nothing to hold on to, you'll drown in no time, no hope anymore. What if this is it, you're stuck down there?!
No way! You fight. Hard. With all your energy. Like jumping to the sea from a high cliff - once you start putting effort in it, you eventually get to the surface. Or someone stretches out their hand to you. Or there is a rope for you to grab. Or you're just strong enough to stay underwater for a long time and you can even enjoy your trip up.
Very rarely, but sometimes you drain yourself before you manage to move up. You can't hold your breath anymore, you must exhale. There is no rope or helping hand - at least you don't see one. It's so dark, so cold outside, there is no air to fill your lungs. Pressure starts crushing you, harder and harder with every second, and you feel hope fading away. There comes a moment that you say to yourself - this is it, this is the end. You're no longer you anyway - farewell.
You give up.
If it's your time, so be it.
WHAT IF NOT????
What if you feel you made a mistake, your judgement was wrong and there still IS some strength left in you? Not enough though! You will no way manage it up, but you want it SO MUCH that you start crying under water.. You want to LIVE, something suddenly explodes inside of you - it's unbelievable you will never see the sun again... It can't be. You want to live so badly, every single cell in your body blows up with that desire..
And then you can see true you. Who you are and what you can. What are your true values. Religion, beliefs, cynism, deceit, illusions - just an empty spot. Whatever you chose to drown yourself with - be it water, fire, magic pills...
You start to pray.
And when nobody can help you anymore, God does.
There is only one difference between the old you and new you: now you know there is an escape route, just in case. That thought will never leave you from now on, no matter how you try to get it out of the darkest corner of your mind.