Calling the Single Woman to Respect Marriage

Not every single woman who tampers with someone else's marriage will become the man's soul mate (as did the woman in the 2009 affair with the married governor from South Carolina).

Not every every single woman will engage in sexual activity with the woman's husband.

However, if a single woman cheats the couple of their time together; and if in anyway, at anytime she makes herself a substitute wife, she hinders the sanctity and the purpose of the marriage. The marriage vow makes room for one wife for every husband, and no outsider is permitted to share the role of either spouse in the relationship.

"To have and to hold, from this day forward."

Photo by gcardinal
Photo by gcardinal | Source

A Single Woman's Disrespect

Take the example of single Susie. Another woman's husband has chosen her to be his best friend because he trusts her more than he can trust anyone else. They share their deepest feelings mutually on the level at which many wives (including his) wish they could share with their husbands. Theirs is strictly an emotional intimacy, which they have enjoyed since they studied together back in college.

However, after marriage, the man's relationship with his wife becomes his primary relationship, and Susie should expect the wife to replace her as her friend's number one soul mate. Instead, by ignoring the presence of the wife, she is actually ignoring the marriage, and the man is allowing it to happen.

Another woman's husband shouldn't be Susie's best friend.

Photo by George Hodan
Photo by George Hodan | Source

Susie and her friend call or text every day, sometimes twice or more, because they care about each other. Because the man does not deny his friendship with Susie, and because he does not the hide the fact that he cherishes their friendship, he credits himself with being honest. He is one of those people who feel that a confession makes everything right, since they do the wrong out in the open. Susie talks with the wife too, but only when necessary.

The wife is not the aggressive type of woman who would put her foot down on this best-friend scenario. She is easy-going, cherishes peace, and hates disagreement, especially with her husband who tells her occasionally that he loves her. Susie does not think that she is doing anything wrong, but in fact, she is ignoring that important principle called respect.

Look at three different levels of respect that Susie violates.


(1) Respect for Marriage

Photo by Bobby Mikul
Photo by Bobby Mikul | Source

Marriage is the framework within which, the couple develops spiritual, physical and emotional intimacy. Susie’s best friend is obligated to work with his wife toward the highest level of intimacy as much as they are capable.

If Susie genuinely cares for her friend, she would also care that he develops a happy, solid marriage. She can facilitate that by preventing the man from leaning on her for the emotional comfort which he should receive from his wife. It is appropriate for her to say, “That’s a matter for you and your wife.”

She might have the opportunity to teach him (if he didn’t know before) that in our culture, marriage is between two people, not three.

(2) Respect for the Wife

How should a single woman respond if a married man solicits secret meetings with her?

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Susie doesn’t know how many times the wife has been disappointed or deprived because of her husband’s meetings with his best friend, or because of phone calls, or text messages which come at inappropriate times.

Susie doesn’t know and she doesn’t care that the wife has been forced to lower her expectations concerning her husband's attention. Neither does she know that her friend accuses his wife of being jealous whenever she asks for reassurance that he still loves her.

Susie cannot take full blame for the stress developing in the woman’s life, but she certainly provides support for the husband who is causing it.

Cheating is not limited to sexual interaction. Time spent satisfying the emotional needs of another woman, is cheating the wife of time to satisfy her emotional needs. It is selfish and disrespectful for Susie to treat another woman with such disregard.

(3) Respect for Herself

With Susie showing so much disrespect to her friend's wife, what personal disadvantages does she suffer? She may not think so, but she disrespects herself by voluntarily playing second fiddle in the kind of relationship where it is forbidden. She's is proving that she does not measure up to what her friend wants in a wife.

Moreover, if she releases herself from the undesirable, uncomplimentary role of support for someone else’s marriage, she frees herself to become someone's wife. Bet she could achieve more fulfilling intimacy with someone who values her enough not only to call her his best friend, but to make her his wife. That would be an upgrade on her self-respect.

(4) Respect for Womanhood

A woman judges other women by the woman she knows best—herself. Susie assumes that she does a better job than the wife of satisfying the man emotionally.

  • Is she admitting by her behavior that she needs help from another woman to satisfy a man?
  • Is she preparing to have female friends fill some of the needs of her future husband should she get married?
  • Why does not the single woman think first of the married woman (every woman's a sister) before concentrating on making her husband happy?

Women easily tend and befriend each other.
Women easily tend and befriend each other. | Source

In a UCLA study on female friendships, researchers found that the hormone oxytocin encourages women to gather and bond together rather than adopt the usual fight or flight response to stress in our every day lives. It should be easier for women to bond than create stress for each other. Not only does the hormone help us enjoy each other’s company; it reduces our risk of disease.

We can enrich our own lives by loving and supporting our sisters: teaching them, showing concern for them, scolding them if necessary, but never by substituting for them. Each has her place.

A woman’s place is never within another woman’s marriage.

© 2011 Dora Isaac Weithers

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Comments 20 comments

davidkaluge profile image

davidkaluge 5 years ago

It is difficult to understand why somethings happen. We can ask, why can't the single ladies or married men respect themselves? We also know that some married women, and men do cheat. So the whole picture gets complicated as we wonder why it can't be resisted. However, I think, like you said, single women have a part to play if they really want to stop such infidelity. They just have to put themselve in such situation and ask themselves how they will feel if their husband spends more time with another lady.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks for your affirmation, David. You expressed it very well. Both men and women have to share the responsibility. This is just a reminder of what the women can do.


Treasuresofheaven profile image

Treasuresofheaven 5 years ago from Michigan

This is a teaching Hub MsDora. You provide some excellent advice that is mature and strong. "Respect for Marriage," subtopic is right on.... This is a keeper! Awesome!


Storeboy 5 years ago

Very good article. A must-read for all men who treasure their marriages and for all women who respect their male friends. This principle is applicable to married women as well, who seek emotional relationships with married men.


JanThinks profile image

JanThinks 5 years ago

You are missing a BIG point here. From what I read, Susie has been a friend longer than the marriage. If the wife is jealous of the time her husband spends with Susie, is she also jealous of the time he spends with his family or male friends? A long term friend will be there for you when the rest of the world goes away. We should all be so lucky as to have a friend like Susie. It IS the husband's responsibilty to make sure the relationship is appropriate and LOOKS appropriate to his wife - THAT IS NOT SUSIE'S RESPONSIBILITY. Don't let the man off the hook and blame another woman.


ladyt11 5 years ago

Ms Dora you are a teacher! I agree with everything said in this hub. I think what most single women don't realize is that the union of marriage comes before any friendship or connections that she may have had in the past with the man who is now married. She can still remain friends with him but she has to respect the change in his life and the choice that he has made to commit to, forever, the lady that he is now with. All of the alone time that she had before has to change for example, if she wants to dine with him include his wife also. If she is a close friend of his develop a friendship with the wife also and include her in activities as well. His time is not hers anymore. If she is truly his friend from the past or the present she would want to see this union work and not be the cause of any issues or problems in his life. Of course remain his friend but realize that the most important friendship is between him and his wife, the others come in at a healthy second! I enjoy your hubs so much!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

"(Susie doesn’t know) how many times the wife has been disappointed or deprived because of her husband’s meetings with his best friend, or because of phone calls, or text messages that came at inappropriate times..." If the wife doesn't complain to the husband he's not going to ask Susie not call after a certain hour or whatever. Apparently Susie thinks it's fine because there have been no complaints from the wife!

I think a lot of this comes down to trust and whether someone believes people of the opposite sex can or should be best friends. In theory most people would say "Yes" to both until it's at their front door or in their face. If you don't like something you have to speak up (if you want to give your mate an "opportunity" to change) or you have to walk away. Each of us is entitled to have our own "deal breakers" and ideally you want to be with someone who is in "agreement" with you. There really is no "right" or "wrong" per se but rather "agree" and "disagree" You shouldn't have to "sell" anyone on spending time with their spouse. This wife would have been better off marrying someone who doesn't think men and women should pal around as best friends. Just as "deal breakers" are to each his/her own so is the definition of "cheating" especially the further away it is from sexual betrayal. Not everyone will "agree". One should probably have a meeting of the minds on such issues before they exchange vows.


davidkaluge profile image

davidkaluge 5 years ago

you know it does not mean that people of opposite sex should stop being friends once we get married but it means we should close all others for sex outside marriage once we are connected. It may not be an easy task but it is what it means and it is what we accept to do at the moment we say " I do" so we just have to do our best to keep to the promise. However, like I pointed out it is what the single ladies can do some about it and help the men and their fellow married women.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks to davidkaluge, ladyt11 and Storeboy who understand and affirm my message in this hub. I’m sure that your expressions make it clearer to some readers.

JanThinks2 may get a better idea from reading your comments. I agree with you Jan, that long term friends are a blessing. Such friendships are important and don’t have to be discarded. My opinion is that they just need to know their place and give space to the friendship between the man and his wife.

We’re on the same page mostly, dashingscorpio. Thanks for stressing the trust issue. Again, I’m just encouraging my women friends to grant their married sisters first position on the list of their husbands’ friends. You also made a good point about discussing what is and is not acceptable before the marriage.

I appreciate all your comments and the time you take to express them.

I enjoy reading all the different opinions. Thanks again to everyone.


Alladream74 profile image

Alladream74 5 years ago from Oakland, California

It takes two to tango and a spark may lead to a flame.I think the key aspect in a relationship is truly, respect.I always like to think, how would the man feel if the wife had a best-friend who was male.I do not think that this would go down too well with fellows.


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 5 years ago from Southern California, USA

Yikes, you have it out for the single women here. I think married man who decides to have an affair with a single woman is just as culpable. By the way, sometimes married women do not have respect for single women. I have been the subjected to catty comments by married ladies who marvel at my choice to be single. I do not want someone's husband, I actually like being single. I think being single is a strong a beautiful thing, and just to share, sometimes married women are overly harsh on the single ladies.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Sweetie Pie, thanks for underscoring that the respect has to be shared by both the man and the woman. Hope all the male readers got that, even though we specifically addressed the woman.

Alladream asked a very important question. Thanks to you also.


MRS CELISA 5 years ago

Love this, and I agree men definitely has to respect his wife and take care and protect his marriage. But a lot of times women will say that the man should hold all the responsibility and yes within the marriage the only one responsible is HIM. I like this article because I've heard thousands of times that it's ONLY the mans fault, however I believe that women need to be accountable too. I've seen plenty of women solicit married men with no care and nor respect for the fact that he is married and so I hope this hits home for them. It's integrity less when a woman solicits a man. If the man is running around soliciting women, he either needs therapy, because there are always going to be single women out there who will engage, or the wife needs to find someone who is going to respect her. But this article for me is for women who solicit married men regularly.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Mrs. Celisa, thanks for your observation. Like you, I take issue with putting all the blame on the man. Women also need to observe boundaries around their sister's marriages. If women stand firm in respect of marriage, the would-be cheating males will have to back off. Loyalty is both a male and female responsibility. Thanks again!


HealthyHanna profile image

HealthyHanna 4 years ago from Utah

Well Said MsDora.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks for your affirmation, Healthy Hanna. It feels good when sisters stand together.


Express10 profile image

Express10 3 years ago from East Coast

There is so much disrespect for marriage and even for relationships leading to marriage. It's frightening how far some people will go to have any semblance of a relationship at any cost and others find it a game that they must win to "take" someone from another. This behavior is very selfish and damaging to the relationships that the person being pursued is in. Women and men need to be more respectful of themselves and others.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Express10, I appreciate your observation and agree with your counsel. Thank you very much.


mabelhenry profile image

mabelhenry 2 years ago from Harrisburlg, Pennsylvania

This is an example of trespassing. A trespass happens when boundaries are not respected. There are lines of demarcation that can't be crossed in marriage. Single people should find other single friends, it is emotionally more healthy than the intrusion you describe. Nevertheless respect is the key. God is the only answer to successful singleness. http://hubpages.com/religion-philosophy/SINGLE-BUT...


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks for your comment, Mabel. I will read your article also.

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