Can Men & Women Just Be Friends?

Can a man and a woman be friends without any sexual agenda?

No.

Not unless at least one of them is gay.

OK, all kidding aside, it is possible. A straight man and woman can be friends, without one or both of them wanting to jump the other's bones, eventually. But it's not likely. And here's why: Women tend to develop attraction through intimacy. Men tend to develop attraction through proximity.

Women & Intimacy

Imagine this, ladies. Your sexy bad-boy boyfriend has stood you up again. You're feeling jilted and bummed. You call your guy-friend up, you're vulnerable and sad. He comes over.

You do the stuff that friends do. You order a pizza, you put on the Flippin Out marathon, and you talk. You talk about this boyfriend that's been dicking you around.

As the night unfolds and the wine is poured, you open up about the shitty relationship you had with your father. And the patterns you seem to have. You talk about your first boyfriend. Your first kiss. Your first time. It's comfortable, talking to your friend. It's easy. You open up.

The next boyfriend is a co-worker. You're together 8 hours a day. Things seem to have developed. You can't help it. But it's complicated your office-life.

You get together with your guy-friend and you talk about what a dumb idea it was to get involved with a co-worker. He knows you pretty well, and he listens. He offers some thoughts that show how close you two really are, like how you're still choosing men that are dangerous, you've just changed the danger.

When it falls apart, your guy friend is there. He gets you. Not like these idiot boyfriends. He gets you in a bigger way.

See where I'm going with this? Women find their attraction through intimacy. Often they mistake sex for intimacy, but that's another story.

Men & Proximity

Maybe proximity isn't the best word to use. But men tend toward building attraction over time. A woman that is a constant in his life has a better chance of attracting him, than a woman that isn't.

Let's say a guy goes to an art gallery once, and thinks the curator is a knock out. He smiles, maybe he flirts. And often times he goes home and that's it. If he doesn't frequent that gallery, he considers that pretty woman to be a ship that passed in the night. It's common for a guy not to feel secure or brave enough to approach a stranger.

On the other hand, let's say the guy sees a woman he finds attractive all the time. A co-worker, a woman he runs into in Starbucks all the time, a neighbor, his chiropractor, a woman that uses the same dog park, a woman in his gym.

This is his territory. This is his strike zone. This is where he feels familiar. She becomes an acquaintance. She is not a stranger. Over the course of time they share a few laughs, a few conversations. He finds his confidence.

That's the woman he'll ask out.

Eventually...

Eventually, if the two people in question are single and available, she will translate the friendship as intimacy. And he will discover how comfortable and familiar this is.

Even if initially these two would-be friends do not find any initial sexual or physical attraction for each other, it can arise. I has happened that over time she finds him attraction, because they've become so close. And it has also happens that he discovers she's attractive because of how she makes him feel.

The Final Word

What if both parties are already in significant, happy, committed relationships. Is it possible that they can be platonic friends? Yes, of course. Especially if the friends are respectful and supportive of each other's relationships.

But people don't become cut off sexually from the rest of the world just because they are taken. If he has a fight with his wife, and his friend offers an understanding shoulder, he can translate that comfort into attraction. If she feels unheard in her relationship, she can find the closeness she shares with her friend, more attractive.

In this circumstance there is only a problem if they act on the impulse.

I am absolutely not saying a man and woman can never be friends without having sex. That would be absurd. Of course they can. And of course there are people that mean it when they make a commitment. I'm not saying that it's a given that anyone is going to cheat on their spouse.

The question is, can a man and woman be friends without there ever being some kind of sexual tension or agenda. What I'm answering is, even good platonic friendships between good people still might have some kind of sexual energy at least some of the time.

That doesn't mean the friendship isn't worth it. Sexuality is part of being human. Your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of or awkward about. You should be able as a mature adult to maintain a healthy marriage or partnership, in addition to continuing to be a sexual independent creature.

The thing here, is realizing that the friends do not have to ACT on any minor occasional sexual energy. Of course you can be friends, but don't expect your sexuality to just shut itself off. It's there. So what. Go on with your life and your friendship.

Denying yourself the liberty to be sexually aware is unhealthy. Being honest, being mature, and loving yourself are the keys to all your relationships, including your platonic ones.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

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Comments 70 comments

spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

I have been friends with a very dear man for almost...wow...has it been twenty years already?

In the earliest period of this relationship, people talked...we worked for the same company.  He heard the gossip long before I did since a lot of people misconstrued our friendship and thought he was taking advantage of me.  LOL! 

He took me aside to let me know what he'd heard and to let me know that since it wsa my reputation...it was my choice on whether or not we should still be friends.  I told him it didn't bother me at all...

He then gave me a sly grin and said, "Then...do you mind if I enjoy it for a while longer?  I've never been considered the type of man that could seduce an innocent young woman before..."

This of course had me falling all over myself.  He was definitely more of the Danny DeVito type than a Doctor McDreamy. 

I told him of course he could...as long as he told his wife first.

And he did.

So my answer is definitely a resounding yes.  Men and women can be the best of friends.

Thanks for a great hub! You write some wonderful thought provoking pieces. 


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

I think you just proved 3 of the points I made, Darlin'. Thanks ;)


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Well you just cleared up why after 33 years my partner left me for a younger woman..they just got too friendly....and he finally had an affair...6 months later I found out..counseling didn't help..I went into a deep depression...as he kept his affair going..her and me..me and her..till finally I asked to leave and move in with her...one month later he was gone...

It's been 2 yrs. now and My heart is healing..slowly ever so slowly..but I now have a new "friend" and am excited about it..I am no young thing (68) but still have those sex feelings..and you are right on thank you for words of wisdom...G-Ma :o) hugs


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

G-MA,

I'm really sory for what you've been through. Glad to hear you have a new friend! I hope things go the way you'd like them to.

XOXO


GreatGoji profile image

GreatGoji 8 years ago

Haha... This is an interesting hub.. You made well your points and I couldn't have explained it better. Eventually for me, it just depends...sometimes it's better to be friends than lovers if you ask me.. And besides not all man-woman relationship necessarily end up with intimacy. Great job with the hub!!


Britt Azlin 8 years ago

perfectly put, honesty I didn't want to read the entire thing... I like things short and sweet, BUT I went back after reading the comments and gave it a go.

I have platonic friends, I'm also sure we've thought about each other more than once sexually, but never crossed that line. I'm not "that" girl.

happy hubbing


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

GreatGoji - Thanks. It is good to have friends that are just friends, I agree.

Britt - Excellent! I'm so glad you read it through, that means a lot to me. What you describe is exactly what I was going for. Yes, you can have platonic friends that stay platonic, but the sexual thoughts happen, and there is nothing unhealthy about that, it's just a matter of accepting it.


Arlie MacGregor profile image

Arlie MacGregor 8 years ago

Veronica-Your advice and comments were right on the money. If I could add one more, it would be not to be in a private setting with a friend of the opposite sex. Go for coffee, go to the park, but don't sit around an apartment/house/etc. with just the two of you. Being out in public will help control any stray impulses or urges to act irrationally.~Arlie


summer10 profile image

summer10 8 years ago from my happy place :)

If this question was asked twenty years ago, then I would wholeheartedly agree that it would be difficult not to have any sort of sexual tension between a man and woman. I may be naïve, but I'm hoping we've evolved enough to value another human being without all the drama.


lynnsdecor profile image

lynnsdecor 8 years ago from Lake Charles

LOL You know, I have had a male friend since college. And yes, we wondered why we never got involved. LOL We always, innocently, flirt, but one of us was always in a relationship and neither wanted to 'cheat'. Like this year, I got married, he got divorced. Figures! LOL But we stay friends, limiting our talking to short emails about what we are up to lately. Maybe, one day, if we both are free, we might explore going further....then again, who wants to ruin a friendship over sex??


pcdriverupdate profile image

pcdriverupdate 8 years ago from VA

Another great hub and yet another one that relates to my own circumstance. I think it can be dangerous territory when you are in a relationship. When you don't maintain proper barriers and you let yourself get too close to one of the opposite sex it can really threaten your relationship with your spouse. When you take fulfillment that your spouse once filled and start receiving that from another I think you slowly start distancing yourself from your spouse. That closeness you had slowly dies and you risk falling out of love and in love with your friend. There are many people out there we could be in love with and I think we must make the choice to maintain the love we chose. I think if it is your intent to stay with your current partner for life then you must maintain a proper awareness of how you are with your opposite sex friends. Sharing intimate details and confiding in this friend too often and being in constant contact is probably a bad idea. I think if you find yourself talking on the internet or phone every or most nights then you might be heading into dangerous territory. When our relationships are in a slump, which they all have at some point, I think we seek out whatever fullfilment we have lost at that time. And when this happens I think that is when we potentially give in to letting our emotions go where we never intended with our friends who provide that fullfilment.

But yea, I think you can be friends if you are aware enough, take your contact in moderation and maintain proper barriers. I believe most of us lack a certain amount of discipline though. It only takes a moment to ruin that friendship or your relationship. Just my thoughts from my experiences.

Thank you for your insight, Veronica. You write well, so fluid and easy to read. Always a joy to read.


maya 8 years ago

Very interesting issue. In my case I've been friends with a man who I never found sexually attractive since day one but been keeping the friendship going now since last November. He had an attraction for me but not vice versa. I told him, I do short, I do tall, but I don't do fat. He's not slim and absolutely not my type. He has respected me.

He's the opposite of me in terms of personality. He's jovial, light, and funny. I'm a little somber, grounded, and seem too serious sometimes. I'm very independent, he can be a little too clingy. I said 'I just don't feel like doing things together' sometimes, and he would repeat the word 'together' in a funny way and we laughed. He functions to balance what I'm not. This is the one of the main reasons I like him around. He is not one of those guys who would look at me in a creepy way, he's not that type. No kiss or sex, just initially in the beginning a hug or two.

I think this may not be quite a common friendship.

Like how you write, it just amazes sometimes how clear your mind is in the way things are articulated. :-)


JULES 8 years ago

Yes, it is very possible to have a male/female friendship. My best friend, I've known over 20+ years. However, we've become closer over the last 5years. I can honestly say that nothing has ever happened between us. We have mutual friends who make "smart comments' and all we do is laugh. One of the main reasons is that people would love to listen to a lie, than the truth! I do agree that we can be flirty...but it's a healthy flirt....nothing over the top. We are there for each other and we talk every single day. I thank God for him. I really enjoyed reading this positive article!! Thanks :)


KateWest profile image

KateWest 7 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

I've had so much trouble with this. But I keep trying! (--;


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America

I do have female friends for long time now & I believe it is possible. What I noticed through experience is that opposite sex friends has more understanding. But majority of the time it starts with friendship and ends with bf & gf or marriage too every thing is possible.

But you are always afraid of loosing your friend.

~Sometimes i want to shout to the whole world how lucky i am to have you as my friend but sometimes i want to hush...afraid that somebody might take you away from me.~


reek inferno 856 7 years ago

hhhmmmm can a man and women just be friends. i would say no. yes you can be friends with that person for a little while then yal start doing a lot of things together, yall talk about everythihng, you have a lot of the same things in common, after awhile the ? pops up in your head ( WHAT IF ) whether the female or male thinks it it will eventually happen. when that happens you start to think of that person in a different light , you don't look at them as a friends anymore., and after a while you start wanting more because you feel that you two would be the perfect couple. she understands you and you understand her and yall just seem to match up so well. its an attraction thing you cannot find yourself being around a women that you are close to for so long before attraction comes inti play . you have a bad relationship she's there for you gives you advice and vica versa i mean how could you not gain feelins or want more with that women or man if they just seem like the type you want. its funny with my situation because the two women i call my sisters and best friends now i already dated so its backwards with me ive never been just friends with a women. i guess the men and women that have been friends with the opositte sex for a long time and been ok with i honestly don't know how they did it or are doing it maybe they are still denying the fact that there is something between them , mabye one is married and have them feelings but just don't let them get out because of that, or maybe they are just to scared to admit it. but thats my opinion of the topic


WannaB Writer profile image

WannaB Writer 7 years ago from Templeton, CA

I have never been attracted to anyone who was not first a good friend. On the other hand, I have had several male friends with whom I've spent a lot of time and listened to their deepest problems over a period of years without an attraction ever developing on either side. Sometimes a close male/female relationship will catch fire if the potential for chemistry is there. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there for either one, and those relationships have so far proved pretty safe. I believe though, that the friendships with the potential to catch fire are not as rare as the ones that don't. I have to go along with the person who advised always meeting such friends in public places or where others are present. If you find yourselves wanting to be alone, it's a friendship that's ready to catch fire given the chance.


jonathan 7 years ago

freindhips are built on intialy physical attraction and on the couples charismatic ora! Sex plays into it based upon the streingth of trust and respect for one another all sex is an extension of our admiration and values that play into it. The closer the bond the more likely sex is going to be a significant factor.If sex is not a midigating pyramid the freindship will eventualy fade and disolve.


Someone 6 years ago

Honestly, everyone is different. But from my point of view I cannot be " just a friend" to a woman, and I believe you pointed this out very well, and being that you are a woman I assume is very interesting. because a lot of women I have met believe the contrary and go around and say, "I have more guy friends than girl friends." And when I hear that I go straight for the door, because that usually means she's not interested in me and quite frankly is a very confused person. Women speak a different language than men. They are very subtle and use overtones and hints and all sorts of little tricks to relay their message. Me on the other hand, I am very direct and to the point. And usually I ask in this situations, well, "how do you know for sure that all of your guy friends aren't secretly in love or attracted to you?" The fact is that most of those so called guy friends are attracted and interested (unless they're gay) or they wouldn't be your friend. Try telling any one of those guys how you really feel, that you aren't interested in any romantic relationship, but just want to be friends, and see how long they stick around, if they stick around, then that means they just want to trick YOU... see now they are the ones doing the tricking. But the sad fact is most guys don't ask that question or really get to know what's up, or are in complete denial, because they want to live in some fantasy and play the same subtle, over tones, that the women play, and they call it flirting, or "we're just kidding around." If you really want to know for sure if he's just your friend, then try going out with a bunch of guy friends all at the same time, then you'll start to see something very interesting, especially if it's two guys and one girl. Most of the time, what will happen is the Alpha Male will suddenly appear, in other words, one of them will become the top guy friend, while the other will become a third wheel It's just the natural order of things. Now if you are already in a relationship, and want to see if your guy friend is really just your friend, then take him an a date with your boyfriend or husband and while you guys are making out at the movies, your so-called guy friend can have a fun time talking to himself and eating popcorn...No! Let's get back to reality this is not something new and women today need to realize that humans are sexual beings, not just men, and they need to be aware of this and stop playing the "oh I'm a woman so I can have a million guy friends" game. Please stop ignoring your own sexual needs, and usually the man is at fault for not speaking up about his own sexual needs and intentions, which can become a very dangerous situation. So, my advice is for men, speak up right from the start and be honest, don't start playing the same games that women too often play, because the balls in your court, not women, they want to have control, but when it comes to sex, men have the control, that's the way it's been throughout the history of time and that's the way it will always be.


questing wolf 6 years ago

Hi. I found this article very interesting. My situation is that mid-Sept I was introduced to a guy. We hit it off straight away, definite physical attraction. He was full-on - flowers, cooking meals, many phone calls and texts. Very loving, caring. I was very comfortable talking to him and he likewise to me. About pretty much everything. He'd been married a long time ago and his wife and left him when his two children were very little (she went back to her first husband). He had some health issues when we met which did take over a little in the beginning and me, being me, supported him etc etc. And one thing led to another and sex arrived on the agenda. I was introduced to his children as his girlfriend. Anyway, on a couple of occasions he said he 'didn't know what he wanted' and wouldn't really elaborate. When I questioned him he said it was just his defence mechanism. Alongside all of this his mother (whom he did not live with) had been very ill and although he'd done a lot of moaning about how she'd not been very kind to him over the years (he was desperate for affection from her, I think) he knew he would have to spend more time with her. We went away for a weekend this Nov and I sensed something was up. He'd made a comment about knowing he and I would always be friends. He hadn't wanted the weekend to end as he knew he was returning home to more problems re his Mum. Alarm bells started ringing. Could I be just friends with him. Anyway, since end of Nov I haven't seen him. All the attentiveness (texts, phone calls etc) went from full-on to virtually nothing akin to 100mph into a brick wall. I did raise this with him. He said he hadn't been avoiding me (mentioned mother's health. Brought me flowers and we had dinner together end Nov. I haven't seen him since...though odd texts, couple of calls (phone calls initiated by me). He now wants us to be friends and says he feels really mean. I've restrained my anger due to his Mum probably having cancer. Cannot be certain that I could be his friend as he hasn't been straight with me. This probably isn't right forum for raising this issue but would welcome anyone's thoughts. I agree that male-female friendships are possible if sex is kept out of the equation but is it possible after sex has been involved? Self-esteem very low due to me not being 'girlfriend' material anymore. After all, he was the one who arrived in my life pro-crastinating about everything and evidently cannot cope with any more emotional strain. But I believe I deserve some respect. Should I write to him to explain how I feel? I spoke to him Xmas Eve, reasonable conversation but when he said he felt mean I let it go over my head. I know he wouldn't have wished me a happy christmas if I hadn't have got in touch.


Rusty 6 years ago

Ok, I have enjoyed reading this, however I am in limbo.

I have always had more male friends than females, don't know why. I haven't wanted to sleep with a majority of them. Don't get me wrong as you have said we are only human with some of them I wanted to so badly, however with most it was just very good friends. You are also right that if a male shows a woman a bit of affection because of rough situation she is going through, she will tend to mis-interprate that for something more.

My sistuation. I have been with my boyfriend for 2years. We met at work, got on like a house on fire and there was a lot of sexual tension. An obvious part of it was that he was flattering. Someone was paying some attention to me, which in turn boosted my confidence which had been shattered from a previous relationship. Unfortunately at the time he was married. The last working day before Christmas we both told each other how we felt but given his situation and that I didn't want to be a home wrecker, we should remain friends.

Now we are together, his marriage disintegrated and our feelings grew for each other although we didn't act upon it while he was married. My issue is he has known a girl for 20 years who he has openly said to me he was in love with in school but he never admitted it to her. They met up a few weeks ago, got drunk and both confessed that once upon a time they had feelings for each other. Last week I found texts on his phone from her sent at a rediculous time in the morning so read it and it said 'I love you too'. So obvuiously I had to read what he had sent to her for her to reply like that. He basically said he missed her, wanted to be near her and I love you.

He has sworn blind that he hasn't done anything and it was a stupid drunk text. He does miss her as she used to be a big part in his life, and the love is he feels is for a very dear friend.

I just don't know whether I can believe it. I have proved you can be friends with the other sexuality, however given my other halfs past and seeing the words I love you to another woman who was his childhood sweetheart, I don't know if I am letting myself in for a fall. Which is why I googled this.

Sorry if you feel this is burdening but an outsiders opinion would be so nice.


Tish 6 years ago

Rusty: unfortunately what you did came back on you. You messed with a person who was married and now you are going through. We have to be careful. Hopefully you learned from this.

I have a best friend who I have know for over 10 years and he lives in another state. We flirted at the beginning but just remained friends. He knows more about me than anyone and he tells me things. But everytime it is time to visit friends out of state, he avoids me or if he mentions visiting me, he throws a woman in the equation to visit as well. I am confused because I have not said I wanted to be more than friends. I made him the godfather of my son, but he has not met him yet and he is 5 years old. He does send gifts, but I do not want my son spoiled with gifts, I rather have time spent. We fell out abou this before and did not talk for a year. He contacted me and we started talking again. But he is doing it again! He said he was broke and could not visit. But all of a sudden he is taking a trip in June to two different states and has not mentioned one time visiting his godchild! I told him how I felt and gave me crap again! I have not spoken with him and I am wondering if I should end the friendship for good. My family thinks he likes me and may be making excuses. I do not find this true because if he did, he would come and visit like he does others. Any advice is appreciated.


Nabi 6 years ago

Ha ha I hope this article is right since I'm in love with the one guy friend I have. We're both single so that is not an issue.It's been nine months since we started talking at this weekly class we both attend. I just keep wondering if he's interested in me more than a friend. God I wish he were! If he isn't it would take me a loooooooong time to get over him.

Not me and any more male friends again. Apparently my heart is too vulnerable.


NickSimpson profile image

NickSimpson 6 years ago from Jacksonville, Illinois

I have heard that it is possible, but never seen it done. It all comes down to boundaries and if they are set in place early on, I think it is very possible, but unlikely.

Cool hub!

-Nick


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

NickSimpson,

Thanks for commenting!


Sue 6 years ago

Veronica,

I am your opening sentence. I have a very good friend, who is also my coworker, and yes, he's gay. We've been friends for years now and there is absolutely no sexual agenda, never has been, never will be and we can just enjoy our friendship for what it is. We can talk, confide and know the others thoughts without sexual tension so it works well. We don't replace the role of each others spouse and partner in our lives, which is the most "dangerous" part of working with and befriending someone of the opposite sex I think. I have never had another close male friend so not sure how possible it really is but unfortunately I've seen a few work place affairs start with "friends"...


Diana 6 years ago

I used to be happily married until I started this close friendship with a male co-worker,who is in an unhappy marriage.There is a chemistry right from the beginning and he used to flirt a lot with me.In the beginning I was just enjoying the attention he was giving me.He started to behave as though he had fallen madly in love with me,so inorder not to jeopardise our friendship,I started inviting his family over to my place so that we can be just good friends.In the process,his initial infatuation receeded and he seemed to changed.It was then that I started to panic!! It became unbearable that he no longer finds me attractive and is now comfortable just being a friend.I realised then that I had been madly in love with him too.Finally I confessed my feelings to him.It was a shock for me when he didn't even admit on having some feelings for me (which of course he did).He told me he has no intention on leaving his wife.But he used to complain about he all the time,so I don't see why he wants to stay in an unhappy marriage.Of course,I also don't have any intentions about leaving my husband for him since I'm not unhappy in my marriage.Now that things are out,I'm confused whether I shoud continue being frinds with him or cut him off completely from my life (we work together).


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder

Thank you for this look at how men and women find romantic relationships. In the past year, I have caught up with most of my friends from high school and college on facebook. It is strange, sometimes, knowing how to relate to the guys. It use to be so easy, in the large group I hung out with, but now, faced with one on one friendships, it can be tricky to be friendly without flirting. Things don't translate the same when dealing with the opposite sex.


doubler702 profile image

doubler702 6 years ago

I liked your hub because I have talked about this issue many times. I personally don't think that a guy and a girl cn stay platonic for long unless one or the other is not attracted to the other. I have had female friends but the reason why it was no more than friends, is because I wasn't attracted to them. Call it shallow or whatever but it is true. I am a flirty kind of guy and I am very visual. If I find you attractive then it is only natural that somewhere down the line, I will make a move; or you will. All bets are off if I am married or committed. I don't put myself in those types of situations then.


OrlandoC profile image

OrlandoC 6 years ago from Glen Ridge

Wow, you're great. You really know relationships.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks OrlandoC !


secretmemoir profile image

secretmemoir 6 years ago from Australia

you know your stuff. I naively thought I could be friends with a co-worker. We ended up feeling attracted to each other, but didnt' have a physical relationship. I had to leave that workplace. Fortunately, my marriage survived. We learned some very big lessons with that horrible experience


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks, secretmemoir. It's tricky to say the least, and the workplace adds an entire additional set of complications. I'm glad you landed on your feet, and learned from it. Best to you.


Confused 6 years ago

Hi All,

Thank god for this place!! I've been going stir crazy for the last few weeks, and I didn't know there was such a support group to help with the emotional side, and the general ocnfusion, of male/female friendships.

I have had male friends my entire life - never with any attraction from my part before. But 4 months ago I began a friendship with a co-worker (much like Diana above) which has left me dazed and very confused.

We're both married, but both work away from home...therefore have started spending a lot of time together. A few times now we have accidentally shared a hotel room - nothing sexual hads happened, although I am very very attracted to him.

I LOVE being friends with him - we talk, we laugh, and he makes me feel incredible. But I can't work out if I like being friends with him becuase I'm secretly hot for him, or whether I'm hot for him BECAUSE I am friends with him.

Am I just kidding myself?

2 nights ago, he stayed over (we use the term "crashed at my place" - it makes it sound very harmless) but I was so aroused by him I ended up offerring him a physical encounter. He refused!!! He was clearly very very excited by the idea (physically, if you know what I mean), and he has told me he loves me and finds me attractive...yet he refused this encounter.

I have spent the last 2 days analysing this to death, and I am still no further forward.

Do I just fancy him - and am I not really a friend to him? I coudln't bear this - as I truly truly value him so much as a firned. I hate that I've brought it down to this physical level.

Was he doing me a favour by refusing? Does he actually value our friendship this much? Or does he simply not want me. How could he be such good friends with me and refuse the temptation??!

I have no clue what to think, and I now believe male/female friendships are incredibly dangerous.

Any advice/help would be so appreciated.

xxx


rasloo buxxxxxxxxxxx 5 years ago

Hi All,

Thank god for this place!! I've been going stir crazy for the last few weeks, and I didn't know there was such a support group to help with the emotional side, and the general ocnfusion, of male/female friendships.

I have had male friends my entire life - never with any attraction from my part before. But 4 months ago I began a friendship with a co-worker (much like Diana above) which has left me dazed and very confused.

We're both married, but both work away from home...therefore have started spending a lot of time together. A few times now we have accidentally shared a hotel room - nothing sexual hads happened, although I am very very attracted to him.

I LOVE being friends with him - we talk, we laugh, and he makes me feel incredible. But I can't work out if I like being friends with him because I'm secretly hot for him, or whether I'm hot for him BECAUSE I am friends with him.

Am I just kidding myself?

2 nights ago, he stayed over (we use the term "crashed at my place" - it makes it sound very harmless) but I was so aroused by him I ended up offerring him a physical encounter. He refused!!! He was clearly very very excited by the idea (physically, if you know what I mean), and he has told me he loves me and finds me attractive...yet he refused this encounter.

I have spent the last 2 days analysing this to death, and I am still no further forward.

Do I just fancy him - and am I not really a friend to him? I coudln't bear this - as I truly truly value him so much as a firned. I hate that I've brought it down to this physical level.

Was he doing me a favour by refusing? Does he actually value our friendship this much? Or does he simply not want me. How could he be such good friends with me and refuse the temptation??!

I have no clue what to think, and I now believe male/female friendships are incredibly dangerous.

Any advice/help would be so appreciated.

xxx


rasloo bu xxxxfrf 5 years ago

Do I just fancy him - and am I not really a friend to him? I couldn't bear this - as I truly truly value him so much as a firned. I hate that I've brought it down to this physical level.

Was he doing me a favour by refusing? Does he actually value our friendship this much? Or does he simply not want me. How could he be such good friends with me and refuse the temptation??!

I have no clue what to think, and I now believe male/female friendships are incredibly dangerous.

Any advice/help would be so appreciated.

xx


Allison 5 years ago

I am confused. I recently went down to my favourite pub, as I was bored, wanted a drink and some social interaction, and my boyfriend didn't feel like hanging with me anyway that night. The bartender, who I have known from going to the pub for like a year, and I chatted for the evening. He is funny and friendly, and I wouldn't mind being friends with him. I'm not attracted to him at all. He might be to me, but knows I have a boyfriend and seems friendly enough about him. The next day my boyfriend was very angry. He told me that men only want sex from female friends, even if they act otherwise. I respect his opinion, but I am confused because one of his closest friends is female. Does this mean that he is wrong and contradicting himself? Or does this mean that he actually wants sex from his close female friend?! Ahhhh!!!?


betsyb 5 years ago

my husbands has secret phonecalls with women that he says "are just friends" I say, invite them for dinner, golf etc, I always ask "where are the holiday cards from your friends to us?" they all seem to be single...He said i'm insecure, jealous, crazy, blah, bla...verify my sanity


just a friend 5 years ago

I met a man four months ago and right from the start I was attracted to him, and I believe he was attracted to me because we both flirted. We have both been married for many many years and we're happy in that. We work together occassionally. We have shared lunch and had coffee a few times. We email each other regularly and text or call a couple of times a week. We have the same point of view on many things and we can discuss matters ranging from religion to politics, to nature, books, food and exercise, serious issues and jokes, we discuss our families, our pets, our hopes and dreams. I am sure he also discusses at least some of these things with his wife although there are things that cause friction. I dicuss some of these things with my husband, although we do not see eye to eye on everything. This man and I have a lot in common in terms of the things we are interested in discussing. When we are together, time seems to fly by and we tend to make each other laugh. He says he enjoys my company and I enjoy talking to him too. We agreed that we enjoy flirting with each other. He says he enjoys the attention and so do I. We also agreed that we can be friends who occassionally flirt lightly if the mood strikes us, but we will not take it further. Some times when we are together, we are like a brother and sister around each other, other times we play flirtatious word games and he might rub my arm or I might squeeze his hand briefly.

We are always honest about where we're at and mindful of not overstepping the boundaries.

In essence, we don't deny there is an attraction, but we choose not to act on it to an extent that will lead us down a path that could and probably would destroy our friendship.

I hope that we can continue like this because he's a wonderful friend who just happens to be seriously sexy.


sam 5 years ago

well my boyfriend\baby father been together for 12 years and he has this female friend that hes been friends wit for 18 years.but over the years i see that he is attracted to her.he has sent her leters, spet the night over her house.and do this for her that he would never do for me.. it has been times he has not come home... and come to find out he was wit her...smh she does not like me and the fucked part is she is his brothers baby mother.i mean i kno a man an a woman can be friends cuz i have male friends.. but keep it real i do not call them.. i don't chill wit them wit out him around. to me he is fuckin her. and there is no dowt in my mind that he is not still in love wit this bitch!!! the point is. man an females cant be just friends cuz one of them wanna fuck the other.. one day it will happen. ha! guess what ima be there wit a smokin gun!!!!! lol


5 years ago

I agree with some people that have posted already. They are rare but they can happen. have never been attracted to my best guy friend of nearly 9 years. Though I know that he finds me attractive but our relationship will never cross the line because I won't let it. I'm not physically attracted to him. And there are guys who do want female friends, he has others including me. It just depends on the 2 people involved. If there is mutual attraction it probably won't work.


KateWest profile image

KateWest 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

Came back to this post once more (couldn't help it). So what about the other side of thing - friends with benefits? It's been covered elsewhere, but maybe is a good tangent here. When do you know it's headed for more? Especially with an ex you have recently reconnected with?


Tara_in_NE profile image

Tara_in_NE 5 years ago

Just a friend- just be careful! I've been in a similar "friendship" with a man at my company. He's married, I'm not. We became very deeply involved emotionally- so much so that we came dangerously close to "falling off the cliff"; you get what I mean. It took all that each of us had to stop ourselves from doing that. We work together on projects frequently, although he recently got promoted and now oversees three other departments besides mine. Bringing our relationship to a completely cordial professional level was an excruciatingly difficult thing to do. It took A LOT of emotional discipline and work. Mutual attraction can be a wrecking ball to a male-female friendship if you let it be that.

Most recently I've stumbled into the same situation that C is now in. I've met a nice man through my sister-in-law (my brother's wife). He's divorced with a twelve year old daughter and I would really like to have him as a friend. We've have had really good times at my brother's get togethers and I really enjoy talking with him but it's clear that he wants more. Moving into the "you want to do lunch sometime?" zone. It stinks because he goes out of his way to be helpful to me, and yet I'm not attracted to him. And I sincerely value his friendship.

Damn. Male/female camaraderie should come with an instruction manual!


TomboyMetalhead 5 years ago

I am living breathing walking proof that a platonic friendship can exist take my best guy buddy for instance neither of us picture us being in a relationship we just like one big no no for us and the idea of it is just gross to us. We just don't click in that way same with all my other guy friends neither of us have been attracted to each other or not even in the slightest it pisses me off when people think you are going out with that person or you fancy each other when you clearly don't and being a bit of a tomboy i do have rather a few guy friends, and most of them I have known for years and I know there is no chance of nothing happening.

I strongly feel that god made certain guys/girls to become maybe our partner and others he just strictly made to be our friends. Trust me there is such a word as strictly platonic and anyone who denies it can come to me and my guy friends and i will set them straight.

I also


Dave 5 years ago

iv actually come on this because iv been feeling paranoid about the opposite sex. iv seen to much and heard to much from friends relationships about cheating, lying, stealing and using and its left me feeling confused. I always thought women felt for men the way men feel for women when i was younger but now I don't think thats true, (and i know its a stupid thing to think) i cant stop myself thinking there is a alterier motive for women forming relationships, its a feeling i cant shake, that iv had for years. I don't often get attention from women (or that i notice anyway) but when i am told someone likes me the first thing that pops in my head is why? its not that im unattractive, im a little taller than average, i have a good 13 stone muscular body and id like to think i have a reasonably attractive mans face all in all id like to think of myself in the upper percentage of what's considered an attractive man. i just seem to think they want something else from me and its a thought that wont go away. iv read articles like one recently from the mail online where stephen fry had said that women don't enjoy sex like men do they only put themselves through it to maintain a healthy relationship, followed by numerous comments by famous women saying they agree, tv adverts where a man instigates sex or an intimate act the woman shrugs it off saying she has a head ache. all these articles and scenes on tv have done little to ease my paranoia, in fact they've made it worse, im sure i must have left plenty of women frustrated after they tried to instigate intamcey and i made my excuses and got the hell out of there thinking she wants something else from me, money, a place to stay the night, a lift somewhere, hell even a baby! i look at everything i say and think and know it is rubbish or we all would have gone extinct 1000's of years ago and that all women arent sneaky, plotting she devils after your soul and everything you've worked for in life, i say that but then see heather mills take paul mccartney for half his worth! i thought i cant be the only one feeling this way, surley there is a name for it, a treatment, mabye women feel the same and i cant see that either. articles like this do help but i think half the time its wrote by a man what does he know about how a woman thinks or if a woman wrote it mabye shes just saying what she thinks men want to hear. but i suppose iv wrote all that to say i have pleutonic friendships with women because i to paranoid they will try to take something from me if i give in to any attractions i may have for them. i suppose its me been scared to let down my wall and let someone in and if they wont like me and its all coming out in this paranoid dilusion.


eisutton profile image

eisutton 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

As an Investigator, I work in a predominantly male environment. You are absolutely correct. Men who are around you all of the time, will at one time or another find you attractive. I have noticed the same thing. Men who I would not normally even consider, become attractive when you get to know them. On the other hand, there have been many drop dead hunks that became unattractive once I got to know them.

I have many male friends who are just that. I would die for them. I find that the biggest problem faced when you are friends with the opposite sex is generally their significant other. Male or female an insecure partner can torpedo a good friendship. I am blessed that my husband trusts me.


novadude57 5 years ago

I am male, and I have had many friendships with female friends. Some were sexual and some were not. My wife knew about all of them, and I am still married. I never knew when it was going to end up in a sexual way. It didn't always, but it was fun when it did. Keeps life exciting,, always waiting for the next time. God forgive me...


Todd 5 years ago

So here's my story...I worked with my friend for many years, and that was all it was ...I had a girlfriend that I married. The marriage went south shortly after it begun and I found myself looking foreward to going to work to have a plesant time with my coworkers/ friend. my wife and I seperated and I became addicted to her. Eventually I told her about my feelings for her and imthe response was ugly. I was hurt and we didn't work together and quit talking all together. Not my choice!! Eventually wevstarted talkin again because I lied and told her that my confession was due to medicatons. Now I live 2 hrs away and feel liksvshe is my best friend again. The problem is I don't want to be her best friend which she has called me. We recently went away on vacation together and had a room together with 1 bed. I can't stop thinking about her. I want more and she knows it. I refuse to tell her again because I don't want to lose her altogether. And to top it off I know she is not the one for me. We both want different things out off life...this sucks so much


Gemini 5 years ago

I am curious what other's thoughts are about my situation. My boyfriend became very good friends with his married boss at work (a restaurant). They would frequently have wine together after work (very late at night) while doing paperwork and they would talk about their relationships. This finally one day ( a year or two later) came up between myself and the other woman's husband becausey boyfriend always said I was being jealous. I found out that the husband had major issues with it and that they had problems in their marriage because of it. When I talked to my boyfriend about that he was upset with me for possibly ruining their friendship. He used to go to their house a lot for dinner and now she doesn't call him anymore( he did move far away). He said he would have preferred that the husband bring it up to him and I said some people aren't able to do that. I explained my frustration of why my feelings about the situation weren't enough to question whether it was ok or not. I should add that one year we were at their home for Xmas dinner and she had a few drinks and hugged him and (right in front of me) said "I miss your smell" what?!!! Inappropriate. He says he didn't know why she said it and still treated me like I was being ridiculous. I do not feel that I am being jealous.... Just disrespected. Has he just nit learned this one yet or am I being a priss?


Gemini 5 years ago

Oops! My question is... Is it ok for people in committed relationships to be crying on other's shoulders(opposite sex) drinking wine late at night ( she has 2 kids at home!) isn't it our responsibility to try to be aware of what is really happenIng on the other person's end? I feel like one is playing with fire in a situation like this.


Gemini 5 years ago

I want to clarify that I do believe people who are married or in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex... If the things you talk about/ share with that person are things you would do/ say in front of your partner, then it is appropriate. I am just wondering when people think that line gets crossed?


Gemini 5 years ago

I want to clarify that I do believe people who are married or in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex... If the things you talk about/ share with that person are things you would do/ say in front of your partner, then it is appropriate. I am just wondering when people think that line gets crossed?


mtsi1098 5 years ago

Well I think you hit it spot on when you said if both parties are respectful of each other. That said, it is possible for men and women to be friends but I think they have to be the same person as the other and they have to handle the moments when the lines get crossed...Nice job and thanks


lilbitwiser 5 years ago

This is


lilbitwiser 5 years ago

This is what we call dangerous territory, been in this position more than once therefore I share this info only to open the eyes of other's. I once worked with a guy (gorgeous, handsome) whom was married, although I always admired him from afar never to engage in a conversation because of this status and age. One day he asked me for a ride home and working a night shift I had agreed, what I seen as an innocent act of kindness to into the biggest mistake. During the drive home it was obvious to me that I had an attraction towards him, he wasted no time being playful towards me while I drove. Before I knew it he was tickling me playing with my shifting gears, emergency parking lights ect.. ect... it came to a point were I had to stop the car and get out. I then got out of car as he jumped into the drivers seat taking off leaving me behind. I started to walk down the street where I seen my car parked ahead, when all of the sudden he jumped out of a bush tackled me to the ground (horse play) and had me laughing ........ needless to say we ended up in the backseat! The chemistry was so crazy it was hard to stop. I knew this was not right but it felt so good. After all is said and done, I never thought we would continue this thinking it was a one time thing but who was I kidding five years later. Sad to say that his wife was expecting their first child and was two months pregnant. Three years later his second child came along, and our affair continued until she found out. I know today that what I did was wrong, and would not encourage anyone to get involved the way I once did. Its now been three years since we have seen each other I wish him well. As for my other encounter with a male friend, we hung out for over four years and I made it clear from the beginning that I was not looking for a mate especially since I was still getting over my last relationship. He claimed that he was interested in hanging out only because we both had free schedules and no current relationships. As time passed many friends would say, gee he must really like you to be hanging with you for this long, I replied No, he just likes my company. We spent many nights in hotels ( 2 beds) as he enjoyed going on weekend trips! I figured as long as we didn't kiss, hug, hold hands and he knew were I stood that we were fine. One day while we were talking I mentioned that I would never have a friend with benefits relationship, and it was then that he started to fade away slowly but surely...... Moral of sharing both stories, 1st story attraction is hard to fight off when we are weak. Secondly, it is hard for a "friendship" to last if one of the two has intentions (hopes) that someday you might see things differently.


womanleftlonely 5 years ago

My man has been sending Xrated FWD texts to his female coworker and to no one else. He always talks about her and seems to know a lot about her. He doesn't talk much about his male coworkers. She complains to him about her alcoholic boyfriend and he complains to her about me. She flirts, jokes, and talks to him about girls in a sexual manner. I can't get him to text or call me during the day but he has time to talk dirty and joke around with her as well as sending her nasty pic texts. He also NEVER takes me out on a date or makes me feel special. I emailed her and (informed her boyfriend of the facts also) informing them that I was upset and wished that they could omit the sexual related bit and have a proper working relationship. I also spoke to my boyfriend about this and he says they are just friends and that she is his break from the work stress. I told him it hurt and it was inappropriate. This girl and her man now broke up and are blaming me for causing trouble. I only expressed my concerns in an appropriate manner with out any accusations. Was I wrong to adress the issue respectfully by asking them to behave? What do I do about my man? I am willing to overlook everything since they are all now aware and to give them the benefit of the doubt. He seems depressed and upset now when he comes home from work like she is either giving him the poor me story or is very upset with him, I don't know which but it has affected his moods and behaviors at home. Advice anyone PLEASE?


paulmedina 5 years ago

Great read, great information thanks.


lilbitwiser 5 years ago

@ womanleftlonely~

Trust me your boyfriend is not in the right! Again, I know only from being on both sides of the tracks. My Ex-husband put me threw allot of shit before I opened my eyes! In fact his lack of respect for me allowed me to do the same to others out of anger. I know now that I should have walked away way b4 the children came into play. Being single now I see both married men & men in relationships doing what they call innocent behavior. Yeah right! If a man is in a relationship he has "NO" business sending or excepting pictures of himself to others. Once a PIG always a PIG, if he is already disrespecting you now he will continue, why? because you allow him too.... You're better than that, there are plenty of fish in the sea "do not" allow him to explain why he thinks its okay to do what he did. Trust me he is not worth it.


Boy1da 5 years ago

I always thought myself as seeing things in black and white. This is this, and that is that. As my experience with relationships increases, I find it not so evident. A few days ago I was browsing channels on tv and dr drew had an episode titled "the great cheating debate" where he had two groups of people, one called cheating and the other called not-cheating, and they would discuss various topics and their views and concerns. Main reason I brought this up is because he stated that 50% of women have what is called a "Work Husband". After hearing him describe that, I realized I found myself as that guy too many times. I don't know what it is but married and females in relationships love to tell me everything in which just as the article states leads to intimacy on the females part. Now I know its wrong morally, which is why Ive never done anything with these females sexually, as well as put myself in situations that could lead there but more and more I find it harder to avoid. For instance just this week I had both of them ask me why Ive never invited them over my apartment, and in the back of my head I say "Its cause your married!" Maybe Im old school, or just cautious but when I believe when people are alone and you can tell there is attraction, something is bound to happen.


chris nobody 4 years ago

Im not sure if male vs female can be "just friends". I've known a female friend for 22 years. Watched her for years with her boys. I remember sleeping in her bed her...of course always trying to get more! Was always turned down...but for some reason everyone read into it a lot. I was never in it for any reason than to show her how she should be treated. I love and completely adore this woman. I stand in line at the grocery store comparing girls on the covers of magazines and convinced she takes re pedestal. Any woman I see I compare to her. I can ony watch her choose the wrong guy so many times. She had told me she loves me? Men and women can be friends from a distance.


tommo1966 4 years ago

hi ive had a best female friend for 15yrs and in the begining i was just a friendship, but we used to flirt a bit and were both married, however as the yrs went by she startred to work for me and we were obv spending more time together and my feelings toward her started to change i strted to see how amazing she really is as a person /friend and over the course of the yrs i have divorced and she has come out of a long term relationship, i have since told her how i feel about her , but she has told me that she dosent fancy me in any way which obv upset me but i also rspected her honesty, however i dnt believe her and i think she is in denial because when we are together she lets her guard down now and then and shows her otherside loving caring etc, i love her so much and hope that one day i can hold her in the way i so badley want, do you think i should wait around for her or just move on , its so diff it hurts


lilbitwiser 4 years ago

Yes, we all know it hurts! truth of the matter is you can't make someone love you. You have already expressed to her how you feel, if she chooses to run let her go! You need not spend your time on her anymore and allow yourself to find someone that wants your love.


mikeq107 4 years ago

Great hub ...very true...Before I married Cynthia..I had and still have a friend...but when I married cynthia we HAD TO STEP THAT REALTIONSHIP DOWN A NOTCH....If I,m telling another woman my troubles...looking into her eyes etc then something is wrong with my marriage or I,m am just hunting for pleasure a quick male fix....I learned years ago no mater how much you love some one...the fact is we are all turned on by the oppsite sex regardless and the best part about that is Cynthia and I openly talk about this..it keeps our realtionship healty....no mater how strong we think we are we all can fall and its not for love...just bad old common selfish lust and yes it feels great...but its fallout destroys many..great hub two thumbs up!!!!

Mike :0)


lilbitwiser 4 years ago

It's a good thing when you know its wrong to cheat, it's a bad thing when you cheat and don't feel bad or guilty about doing it.


Douxy 4 years ago

Hello, first thank you for the article you wrote. I want to tell you my story and please, I would like from you an honest reply as this is a topic that is worrying me for so long! My boyfriend has his own company and he has a young female assistant(10 years younger that he is), and I am his age. They are friends, and they spend most of their time together and I don't see him as much cause I work too. I am worried that he develops this proximity thing you are talking about with her, as he insists on helping her in all ways, and now they are having trainings together in the office after working hours 2 days a week, although he doesn't mind I come and join them and I know the girl but I have a feeeling of insecurity in this regard as I feel she has feelings for him maybe admiration or sthg. I donno it might seem foolish but I need to know what to do? shall I worry? I trust him and he already told me he doesn't find her attractive but I am convinced as you said that attraction can grow with time! ...


100ktrainer profile image

100ktrainer 4 years ago from Michigan

Very intersting Post, Makes people think. Thanks for the share


confused1973 4 years ago

Hello world.

I found this page by chance & this is my first foray into this kind of thing.

My question is this - I have been with my wife for 18 years - we have had good and bad times - worst being 5 years ago when I nearly lost her through illness.

Since that time, we have worked to build up her health and as it was near death experience, we learned to live a bit more - try new things etc - at the same time, my wife has recurring headaches and is on anti depressants.

The episode made our marriage & family stronger (we have 1 boy). My wife always says she loves me, I am her rock and she is the stronger woman she is today thanks - in part - to my support.

Our last anniversary was in October - it was after a tough time for her mentally, her work changed after nearly being made redundant - instead she moved into a new job, a new team and went from hating her work to actually enjoying it. I was quite relived as the stress previous was a contributing factor in the Dr doubling her dose of anti depressants.

However, things quickly moved on - during November, she would say things to me that were strange - it made me feel our lifestyle was not up to her new expectations and I assumed it was due to a new friendship with a woman at work (who appears to be well off and lavish) - I assumed it was a grass in greener thing and in my mindset, I was beginning to feel resentful - assuming I was no longer good enough.

We talked, but she was defensive. I carried on as normal as possible - trying not to rock the boat until the week of a few nights out for her.

She works early shifts and I was concerned that a lot of late nights / early mornings would be hard for her - she took my words and actions as being over protective.

I clearly saw a change - but wasn't sure if the tablets were having an effect.

In the week after her last Xmas do - where she came in late, was up at 6am, then came home at 2 and slept the rest of the day - we came to a head.

The argument stunned me - I was told that I was basically not the man she wanted and "a lot of little things had built up" - this confused the hell out of me and ripped me to pieces!

In the 2 weeks over Xmas, I picked myself up - tried to change and things were slowly getting on an even keel until her phone bill came in double the monthly amount.

I am largely in charge of the finances and spoke about it with her - she said it was prob just Xmas / New Year. I was happy with that until I saw the bill and 1 number jumped out at me.

It started at the Xmas do and was logged 150 times in a 3.5 week period.

My head exploded. I jumped to conclusions and after a day of festering, I tried to ask her about it in a non confrontational way.

I have to admit, she was shocked and said she wasn't even sure who the number was. She immediately got her phone and checked - it was a male "friend" from work, whom she had mentioned in passing before, but I had no idea that this was going on.

In the conversations we had, she claimed she was replying to him, just small talk and nothing going on - I know how easy it is to begin chatting to someone, but then 15-20 texts have gone before you know it - but these were long chats everyday over Xmas - but then she lied about deleting texts etc, making matters worse - later claiming she didn't want to argue more.

My wife claimed she treated him like a "Girlfeind" and thought nothing of it. Then showed me one of his texts - it started "HEY LOVE" and ended with Xx - I asked her if it was appropriate that a single male should send texts like that to a mrried woman - she said in hindsight not.

We talked and talked - she felt a lack of trust - I asked her if she would be happy if It was role reversed and I was texting a woman to that extent - she says not.

A lot of texts were sent when I was away - on my work xmas do night - Whilst she was away in a hotel - telling me she was tired - yet texting him long after looking at the timings.

What was a man supposed to think!?

Her lavish girl friend can see my perspective. Yet her male text friend says its an over reaction and shrugged it off when my wife mentioned it to him.

We have moved on - I haven't banned her texting - she sees him at work - I cant stop all contact even if I was the type of man to try. However, she says the texts have stopped - I have checked the bill and that much is true.

She also admitted that she had been depressed in the build up to the 1st argument - she was really down and that was why little things I was doing were making her feel so bad.

She didn't tell me that in the main argument - I may have understood a bit more had she done so.

But I am still wary of this man. he is single, a bit younger and in her own words "charming and funny". I still trust her, but there is a nagging doubt.

So - can they just be friends - I'm not sure if your piece has put my mind at rest at all...


patience17 4 years ago

My husband is a manager at his job and every night he works with with a specific bartender they go drink after work. when I'm at his job I catch her looking at him. he calls her baby in front of me because he's so nice, yeah right! she's single no boyfriend . I feel so alone now that I don't see him as before. he spends a lot of hours are work. she acts like I'm not there like in this evil way but will say hi to me if she has to. he doesn't understand that eventually they will have a relationship or sexual encounter


patience17 4 years ago

This is my first time using this guys and gals and I had just posted my story but don't see it now :(


patience17 4 years ago

My husband calls a bartender that is attracted to him "baby" in front of me. She feels really important of course because everytime they work together they go have a drink first before they go home. Is there a need for him to go have a drink with her and then to talk about me because he also told me that the first time they had a drink he told her that we were separated once already but that we are happy now. I love my husband very much and I'm physically attracted to him. He says oh she looks like a frog but he drinks with the frog everytime she works. I'll just stay calm answer hope that they don't fall in love with each other, they spend about 10 to 12 hours together.

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