Can a relationship work without you being in love?

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Can a relationship work if the people are not in love with each other, or if only one of the two people is in love with the other? I am guessing that most people will immediately clamber on to their soap box and start claiming that there is no future for a relationship where the two people are not in love, and that this is obviously a very unhealthy arrangement. But stop, wait a minute and think this through properly. There are situations where this kind of relationship can work very well. Remember I said 'in love' not 'love', and sometimes love is enough even without the absolute passion of being in love with the person you share your life with.

I have written this article to explore the types of committed relationships where simply being able to say we 'love' the person we are with is enough, and we don't need to be 'in love' (as in the 'old fashioned' sense of the word), in order to see a long and healthy future for the relationship.

Think about marriages of convenience or arranged marriages. In the former case the people are often already good friends, and in the latter case if they don't fall in love with each other over time, they frequently end up loving each other in a way that is unique to the cultures where such marriages are commonplace. We are programmed from an early age to believe in a 'happily ever after' plan for our future lives. The fairy tales we are read as children involve idealistic views of life, where the Prince or Princess of our dreams will end up being our lifelong partner if we try hard enough to find them. The reality is frequently very different, and a vast amount of us end up 'settling' for a partner in life who is not perfect, but is good enough and who we love in a way that is not lifted straight from a fairy tale.

There are various scenarios where a marriage or relationship can work without the two halves of the couple being in love with each other. Imagine for instance a scenario where a mature man has no real interest in a sex life any more, or maybe he has a problem with impotence. He is a comfortably off gentleman who wants an attractive lady on his arm when he attends various functions, and is essentially looking for a companion as opposed to a lover. Then bring into the equation an attractive lady who has medical problems that have effected her libido and ability to work. She is a warm and genuine person who needs security, and he is a lonely man who needs companionship. If these two people hit it off and they grow to love each other as close friends, why would them having a successful relationship be so unlikely? They might marry and live an ideal life as both of them are getting what they need from the relationship in a symbiotic way.

What about a situation where one person is best friends with another? Neither have been lucky in love, but as friends they love each other and in many ways they are soul mates. Would it really be so bad if they were to decide to marry each other or become a long term couple! These two people have loads in common, they know each other inside out, and even if they aren't capable of being passionately in love with each other, they can still love each other to a degree they would each willingly sacrifice their own life to save the other.

Many of us in life met someone once who we will always remember as 'our first true love'. Sadly in most cases this relationship does not work out for all different reasons, one of which is probably our lack of maturity at the time we both meet, (usually in our teens or early twenties). As we go through our lives we have other relationships, but deep down we know the latest person we are seeing is still never going to be 'that first true love'. So what do we do? Well generally we 'settle' for someone who we are either in love with, (but not to the same degree), or someone we deeply care about and love, but are not 'in love' with. Frequently these relationships will last for many years and work well.


There are cases where one partner is 'in love' with the other, but the other person only 'loves' them back. This is not to say that the relationship is a bad one, but just that there are different levels of emotions involved. The latter partner might desperately want to be 'in love' with their partner, but simply cannot feel that way. This is not to say they would ever willingly hurt the other person, and it does not mean they would ever want to be with anyone else. It only means that they cannot quite achieve that depth of feeling for the partner they are with, possibly as a result of previous relationships where they have been hurt very badly and they have now put emotional barriers up to protect themselves against further hurt.


How about a situation where a person is terminally ill. Whether the other person was in love with them or not, so long as they cared enough to not to want to see them die alone, then they are showing them love. If they give them a 'relationship' based on this love for whatever time they have left, then surely this is a good relationship. Probably both of them will accept the fact the marriage or relationship is not based on being 'in love', but each of them has love for the other in their own way, and this is why they get together and stay together until the end.

Just recently I read of a case which was a very sad story. A married woman was diagnosed as terminally ill, (I believe she also had children). Her dying request to her sister was that after she had died she wanted her sister to marry her Husband. Ultimately she passed away, and just last week the sister honoured the dying wish and married her sister's surviving Husband. Now I am sure they are not 'in love' with each other because of the circumstances, but I am also certain they must have love for each other to be able to do this knowing the level of commitment they are making to each other.

There are marriages that are convenient because they allow people from other countries to live in countries they would otherwise not be able to (think green card). Whilst these marriages are sometimes completely fake, there are times when the couple do grow to have a love for each other as time passes. There are even occasions when the love was already there and this is why one partner agrees to help the other out by marrying them so they can remain in the country of their choice.

I have heard of many cases where elderly people have been left alone after their spouses die and decide to marry another elderly person in the same situation. This has been as much for companionship as anything else, and in some cases they were past the stage in their lives where sex was an issue for either of them anyway. Why would they want to spend the rest of their own remaining months or years alone when they could have a friend who they love as their spouse for the rest of their days, someone they could go on holiday with, share a joke with, have a cuddle with and have a good conversation with? They don't have to be passionately in love with each other, all they need is to have enough love for each other that they are compatible.

So this is why I do believe that certain relationships can survive and be healthy even if the couple are not in love with each other. Sometimes simply having love for each other is enough and the all the consuming passion of being madly in love is not essential. It is often said your Husband or Wife should also be your best friend, in some cases they actually are, and that is all they will ever be, but can we honestly say this is always a bad thing and that it cannot work?


Do believe a relationship can work and be happy and healthy without the couple being 'in love' with each other?

  • Yes, if they at least 'love' each other
  • No, the couple need to be 'in love'
  • In certain circumstances, yes
  • Only if at least one of the couple is 'in love' with the other
  • Other
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Comments 60 comments

Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma

Great story. Yes, two people can and do live together in relationships without being "in love". As you've mentioned there are arranged marriages and situations where two people marry for convenience and have fondness for each other but not the passionate love we think of when two people get married.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Pamela, thanks for commenting so quickly (this has only been published a few minutes). Glad you understood what I was trying to convey here :)


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica

You must have read my Bio on how I am struggling to decide if I should marry the man I love as opposed to waiting to fall "in love" with someone else. This hub has helped me a lot. Thanks.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Wow, that is an uncanny coincidence Cardisa, and no, I hadn't read your Bio on this subject, but now I intend to. I am so pleased this has helped you :)


Kim Cantrell profile image

Kim Cantrell 4 years ago from Deep In The Pages of a Book

My husband and I were just discussing this the other day. We've been married for almost 9 years and don't so much feel the "in love" stuff anymore, but have moved into a more comfortable, steady love phase. It's simple and secure with just the right amount of emotion for the place in our life (late 30s & early 40s). We agreed we love it here! :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks for the comment Kim, this is what I like to call 'a more mature kind of love'. You might not be experiencing all the butterflies in the stomach and the roller coaster of emotions, but that doesn't mean you haven't got a very solid love and therefore a good basis for a relationship.


Kim Cantrell profile image

Kim Cantrell 4 years ago from Deep In The Pages of a Book

Mature - that's the word I was looking for. :)


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California

I'm sort of on the fence about that. I was "in love" with my ex up until he left me for another woman (after 15 years of marriage). It's best to find the level of passion in your mate that mirrors yours. I am a very loving person, and although my ex did not provide my "needs," I still found ways to focus on his good qualities (and remembered the fire that brought us together). We are not all created equal, but after what I've been through, I've realized: life is too short to pour your heart out to someone who can't return the kind of love you can. Anything less, really, is settling. I'd rather stay single from now on than love unconditionally and get "crumbs" of affection in return.

Thanks for posting. Interesting Hub.


Lone Ranger 4 years ago

Interesting topic, Misty, and well written!

Yes, it is true, the Lone Ranger knows a thing or two about love and has even been "in love", once or twice if memory serves.

Misty, you brought up a lot of good points and I agree with all of them. In fact, studies have shown that cultures where arranged marriages are practiced are less likely to end in divorce and they are less likely to experience the broken-home syndrome that has come to typify those cultures who marry for "love".

One needs to consider that love is a fickle emotion; one that can cease to exist, grow in strength, or change direction as easily as the wind. Therefore, one must nurture love on a consistent and continual basis for it to grow into maturity, in grace and in beauty.

I believe many people place too much stock in the temporary chemical release of Dopamine into the blood stream when they think they are "in love". Most people don't even know about its existence, but it's there.

Research has shown that Dopamine, which is also known as the "love drug", is present for up to four years in any given relationship, but can subside even sooner depending upon circumstances. This chemical makes one's heart beat faster, causes one's pupils to dilate, and makes one feel like they are walking on sunshine whenever the object of affection is near.

Now, it's important to note that at some point Dopamine will cease to be delivered into the blood stream which is commonplace between 2-4 years after a relationship begins. It is, however, no coincidence that many relationships end at about the same time the chemical release runs its course.

It is also at this juncture in a relationship where married couples often claim that the "honeymoon is over". Unfortunately, when Dopamine ceases to be released, many people think that something is wrong with their relationship because they no longer feel the high of being in love, hence they tend to think that changing partners is the solution.

I believe it is fair to say that relationships will not make one happy. No, let me rephrase that: Relationships will give one a temporary boost in "hapiness", but anywhere from 2-4 years later, that chemical kick usually disappears completely and the individual is back where they started before the relationship began in terms of psychological and emotional aptitude.

This is to say that if one is a happy person before they get married, then most likely one will remain that way even after the Dopamine has subsided. Conversely, if a person is not a relatively happy individual by nature, they will typically return to a psychological and emotional base-line in short order after experiencing a temporary spike in "happiness" while the drug persisted.

What this means is that people who marry for love had better know themselves even better than the person they intend to marry. And, what people need to realize is whatever baggage they take into a relationship will still remain with them and it's not right to think that just because one doesn't feel the high of being in love any longer, that something is wrong with them, their spouse, or their marriage.

It's also true that some people mistake the effects of Dopamine for being in love and when it wears off they cannot believe what they were thinking. So, one had better marry a good person because after the love drug has worn off...you still have something to work with and something to be thankful for.

So, it is of utmost importance to be quite selective in the marriage game and not let the effects of Dopamine lead you astray. Emotions come and go, but good judgment must always have a place of honor at one's table.

My take on this issue is that The Almighty gave us Dopamine to help us bond quicker with our prospective spouse and to help facilitate the transition from oneness into the warmth and security of togetherness.

I believe it was also His intent that after a sufficient amount of time, the married couple will have been able to find a deep and abiding love for one another without the need of a chemical crutch.

In a way, Dopamine acts like the training wheels on an infant's bike, but after a little practice and with subsequent maturity, the stability of those training wheels should no longer be needed and the married couple should be able to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Hope this helps and best wishes to all. - L.R.


diogenes 4 years ago

Ah! Romatic empassioned love! What a heady state and all too often, how destructive. In answer to the question posed by you article, yes, I'm sure every kind of relationship man can forge goes on with or without "love, whatever that really is once you take sex out of the equation. I am old now, but a little voice hardly heard and never aired (except here) wants to feel that hopeless passion again that I once had with Helen, my one and only great love.

Good article Missy, it asks the question many would like answered...Rx


Ruchi Urvashi profile image

Ruchi Urvashi 4 years ago from Singapore

Great article. Something interesting to read and ponder. Voted up.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks for commenting wonderful1, sorry you have had such a tough time. Maybe your situation is a good argument for why a relationship based on love rather than being 'in love' is better, if both feel the same. That way neither can 'hurt' each other emotionally.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Bob, I am so sorry you no longer have 'your Helen'. As you know I have been widowed and always miss my late Husband dearly, even though I am now remarried. I think in a situation like yours whilst I would love to find someone I felt as strongly about, if it didn't look like it was going to happen I would settle for a good companion who I loved and who loved me instead so neither of us were alone.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Ruchi, thanks for commenting, I really appreciate it :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi L. R. What an excellent and informative comment. I am very glad you went into such detail about Dopamine and its effects, not least because on at least one of my other Hubs I get people asking me how to keep their relationship and sex life 'alive' without the romance and love fading. I always try to explain that they can't expect it to stay exactly as it is at the start of a new relationship because this so rarely happens, if ever. I wish it had occurred to me to explain about the Dopamine too, as I did know about it but not in such detail as you have provided here. I am sure I will be referring back to, and quoting from your comment in the future.

Thanks again.


Lone Ranger 4 years ago

Thank you for the kind words, Cindy, and I am glad that you found my post useful.

I wanted to give you something good after putting you through the proverbial ringer the other day. So, you may say that the above post is symbolic of a fragrant bouquet of flowers with "I'm sorry, Cindy, please forgive me" written on the card. :0)

I truly am sorry about the other day...it didn't go as planned, but I think having worked through that misunderstanding we are stronger as a result. I can already tell you that the experience has left me with a better understanding of who you are and an affection for you as a person. Thanks again and best wishes. - L.R.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thank you L. R. Well I am glad we worked through our 'conflict' the other day and I really appreciate the comments you have left since ;) I hope you begin writing here soon as I am positive you have plenty to offer as a writer and as a person.

The affection is mutual, I am looking forward to reading your work when you do begin writing here :)

Take Care

Cindy


Lone Ranger 4 years ago

Perhaps I should also mention that many people, especially women, tend to be "in love" with "being in love", and the object of their temporary obsession acts as the catalyst responsible for releasing the love drug into their blood stream which makes them feel so AMAZING.

In this regard, it is not the object of temporary obsession that this individual so craves, rather, it's the feeling they get from the chemical release they associate with their new flame.

The recipient of Dopamine does not think of it in those terms, but only knows that they love to be "in love" because it feels so good, but they assume the other party is responsible for their feelings, when, in fact, the other party may have little or nothing to do with it at all.

This is why one should allow a sufficient amount of time to pass before jumping in the sack with someone or rushing to the altar, because many people end up with "buyer's remorse" after the love drug fades-off into the sunset.

In a sense, these individuals have become addicted to the effects of Dopamine and could thusly be considered Dopamine "junkies". The down-side here is that the effects of Dopamine wears off through the passage of time, but the Dopamine junky still craves another "fix". So, if their current flame can no longer provide the "high" they are looking for, they will often seek a new "dealer" that can get them where they want to go.

I believe, Cindy, these particular individuals are the ones who tend to subscribe to the theory that a relationship just cannot work out if the couple, or one of the partners, is not "in love" with the other. And, this really is sad because these individuals are not likely to stay in a relationship long enough to appreciate and experience the benefits and virtues of mature love.

In America every 3 out of 5 marriges end in divorce and women file for divorce 75-91% of the time (depending on which studies you subcribe to). Moreover, only 10% of married couples claim to be "happily" married after 10 years.

Now, in America domestic and emotional abuse can only account for 11% of these divorces, so it is left to speculation what is responsible for the major majority of failed marriages.

I tend to think that the concept of romance, perpetual passion, and the fairy-tale courtship is found in many of the books mothers and fathers read to their little "princess" during her informative years. For many females, these fairy-tale relationships become the gold-standard and thus becomes what every little girl hopes for and dreams about...and expects to get!

It has been said that the two greatest elements that lead to unhappiness in life are unrealized and unrealistic expectations. At the end of the day, I think it is likely that these two elements are the main culprits behind most of the divorces in this country and are responsible for much of the dissatisfaction in one's life.

Better go for now, but will check back soon. Best wishes. - L.R.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Another very insightful comment L.R. I much appreciate the input. I loved the point you made about 'buyer's remorse', so very true. Honestly I think you should write a hub on the dopamine topic as you express the effects of it so eloquently that anyone would sit up and take notice.

Catch up soon

Cindy


Leaderofmany profile image

Leaderofmany 4 years ago from Back Home in Indiana

I have loved and now I am in love. I spent 10 years with a person that I only loved, most likely because he was the father of my children. Now the last 13 years I have been with the person I am in love with. I still have the stars in my eyes and the butterflies my stomach when he arrives home. It is the most wonderful feeling. Nice hub, makes a lot of sense.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

I am so pleased for you Leaderofmany. You are one of the lucky few. Long may those butterflies last :)


sheraz afridi 4 years ago

Really great Arcticle, i learn much more from this Arcticle.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks sheraz afridi, I am pleased this was of use to you :)


voodoo123 profile image

voodoo123 4 years ago from Provo, Utah,United States

great post loved it who lucky in love, but as friends they love each other and in many ways they are soul mates.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks voodoo123, delighted you liked this :)


drjasonhill01 profile image

drjasonhill01 4 years ago from Pisgah, Al

Truly a gift, something worth thinking about. This gives me hope in more ways than you can possibly know.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Glad to be of help drjasonhill01, I am really pleased this has 'given you hope' :)

Good Luck


100ktrainer profile image

100ktrainer 4 years ago from Michigan

I believe couples can survive that only love each other and not be "in love". If they choose to be in a relationship like this, then they'll have to learn how to work together especially when difficulties arise.

Communication will be the biggest factor here. Knowing upfront how you are going to "deal" with one another is mandatory. It may also be helpful to know the boundaries of this kind of relationship so there is no confusion about what the other wants and expects.. this too falls under communication.

Interesting Hub!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks 100Ktranier, you make some very good points :)


kellys19 profile image

kellys19 4 years ago

I have been married for 25 years. Friendship and life circumstances brought my husband to me. I love him as a friend but married him and i have not been in love with him. I have never felt passion for and from him ( he says that i am love of his life), although our intimate life was good (we have 3 kids). I am very sexual and my husband does not understand this. The irony is he is a psychologist specializing in women psychology. our relationship is envy of our friends, but I have never been happy. I am considered very attractive and my husband is jealous. He uses emotional tactics to control. When we are in public and a guy even looks at me it is my fault and he will be angry at me for that. Because of thAT we do not socialize, he separates me and our children from social life. If i have a business meeting he will not go but suggest that our son go with me. Two years ago I changed workplace and i met a guy 6 years younger than me. we fall in love to the point that we could light up the city. He tried but i never let him know how madly in love i was. I have never cheated and i never wanted to be the other woman (he is also married with kids). I was not looking for this it just happened. We had 1.5 year emotional, platonic relationship and non of us had the guts to verbalize to each other, but we both want to be together in different circumstances. he change workplace but it does not work, he still wants to know indirectly how i am. At first i thought it was lust but now i know i do love him and i am in love with him. I have never felt dis way, he is my soul mate and i can't be with him. I am in love for the first time at 46, i am connected to another human being (for 25 years my husband was trying to convince me that he cannot connect to me because of me, when in reality he was not connecting). I am depressed, i am lost, frustrated. At work I am called "power house" and nobody knows how this love affects me, but when I am home i am falling apart. My husband is very nonchalant, not affectionate ( i have no emotional support from him). he is happy when other people are miserable. I tried to give him hints, but he does not care. I look younger than my age and still have a life to live. I can solve many thing, but this. I have an advise to any man and woman: loveless relationship do not work, as spiecies we need love , affection and connection when we are with another being. I am very lonely and sensitive now. For 25 years i have been married single woman. i have no idea how to find a solution to this.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Kelly, there is more a problem with the relationship you are in than anything else, so it is no wonder you are looking outside of it for solutions. I hope you could benefit from reading a few of my other articles (I have been in relationships like your current marriage). The links are below, and I hope they will not only illustrate why what you are living with is wrong, but also help to illustrate why even though you believe you have to be 'in love' for a relationship to work, this is not the case, and you only feel like this because the relationship you are in is so flawed. What I described in this article was not 'surviving in polluted relationships without love', it was 'having successful relationships without being in love'. There is a huge difference. The links you might find helpful are:

http://hubpages.com/relationships/My-Ex-was-a-Cont...

http://hubpages.com/relationships/What-are-the-sec...

http://hubpages.com/relationships/A-Definition-of-...

http://hubpages.com/relationships/How-can-I-tell-i...


kellys19 profile image

kellys19 4 years ago

Misty thank you, what i am going through is more silent controlling emotional abuse in doses. We have a good life except for this, but unfortunatelly starts to affect every aspect that used to worked somehow. My children are all teenagers and one adult and they are very upset about this, even my sister-in-law suggested divorce. I have to consider many options before making final decision.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi again Kelly, glad you checked in again here. Please do read the articles I link to in my above comment, they really are eye openers, and can also show you that there are ways out to happiness again. I think you need to consider yourself for once, and realise that you may only get one chance at life (for all we know), and you owe it to yourself to be happy and fulfilled, not oppressed, even if some of the time the relationship feels 'good'. Can you really be sure it is 'good' at these times, and not just a relief from the 'silent controlling emotional abuse' periods?

I really hope you can find a way out of this and to a relationship where you can relax and feel happy and contented.


voodoo123 profile image

voodoo123 4 years ago from Provo, Utah,United States

Hi mistyhorizon2003 I think you need to consider yourself for once and realise that you may only get one chance at life then you see what's changes in your life.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Voodoo123, I am not sure of your point here! If you read this article you can see that frequently relationships not fueled purely on 'dopamine' and 'butterflies in the stomach' are ultimately the strongest and happiest relationships of all! The one chance we may or may not get at life, could well be the reason to go for the kind of relationships I describe in this article, as opposed to the 'idealistic' ones so many believe are there to find, (and expect the fairy tale ending which is so rare). Trust me, I have opted for the so called 'ideal' on at least four occasions, and none of them worked out for various reasons, however, the marriage I am in now is happy and secure, and I love my partner dearly. I would not consider anyone else as he gives me all that I missed out on in the emotionally 'ideal' relationships. I guess you have to get to a 'certain age' to see the bigger picture quite often. Life has given me the experience I needed to realise that what we perceive as 'ideal' is often us simply letting our 'hearts rule our heads!'


voodoo123 profile image

voodoo123 4 years ago from Provo, Utah,United States

Ideal relationships are possible if both people have been in therapy for a long,long time.Everyone is defensive.This sounds like something Oprah would say in her magazines.No one is or can be honest.Many people say they love each other but don't.Many people say they hate each other but clearly they love? each other.That's my point mistyhorizon2003 and many thanks for this nice hub


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks for the extra feedback voodoo123, I am one of those people I guess who just 'says what I see'. I agree with your comments on people claiming to love each other that don't, or saying they hate each other when they love each other, but I can't quite see a relationship being an 'ideal one' if it requires 'therapy for a long, long time', (actually this makes it far from ideal to me). In my experience however, frequently the most successful relationships and secure ones, are based on trust and mutual compatibility as opposed to 'being heart poundingly in love'. I think part of the problem is that 'heart pounding feeling is the dopamine in the brain, and after a year or so this wears off. At this point one partner or the other, (missing their 'fix'), goes looking for it elsewhere. The time scales vary couple to couple, but this is frequently what happens sadly.

Our own bodies and the chemicals within them con us into the feeling of being 'madly in love' in order to ensure the future of the human race. After a while the brain decides we no longer need the chemicals as we are now, 'an established couple', and then the true test of if we are really 'in love' begins! This is when we start to find other people attractive, and our partner's bad habits get on our nerves....


voodoo123 profile image

voodoo123 4 years ago from Provo, Utah,United States

Nice tips but it helps most when both respect and love each other. The husband should make his wife equally happy too!!! Marriage takes two to make it work


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

I agree again, and this is very possible even under the circumstances I am describing, you can love and not be 'in love' and you can still respect each other. You can in this way make each other very happy and secure, working as team who have genuine feelings for each other without all that teenage 'butterflies in stomach' stuff.


voodoo123 profile image

voodoo123 4 years ago from Provo, Utah,United States

yes you are wright mistyhorizon2003 loves make to each other and both are happy and secured life.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Previous comment deleted as it is yet more SPAM about a certain Dr's spells. 'Marie' or whatever your real name is, please stop spamming my articles with your very unsubtle adverts for 'powerful spells'. I know your IP address and for anyone else on the planet who might want to watch out for it or report it, it is:

41.206.12.15


sharonchristy profile image

sharonchristy 4 years ago from India

Very interesting! :) Voted up and awesome!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks sharonchristy, glad you enjoyed this :)


Saina0721 profile image

Saina0721 4 years ago from Vienna, Virginia

I will have to said that respect and passion can hold a coupe together, for a long time...my parent use to tell me that they didn't love each other, but they respect and have passion for each other. 30 year later they still together and closer than ever. Great peace... i love it


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Well said Saina0721, respect and a passion for each other is a very important part of a successful relationship.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago

I believe there are trade offs in every relationship. No one gets everything they want. The word "work" when applied to relationships/marriages is often defined as (staying together). However this does not mean one or both people are "happy". They may be "comfortable" or "content" with their decision to remain together. Either they entered into the relationship knowing how things would be or they reached a point where they "accepted" things as they are. Very much like having a (dead-end) job for 30-40 years. It's a steady paycheck and you know the ins and outs of the job. Odds are a person in this situation would wish for more for their own children though. This makes you wonder if it's so great why would you want something different for your children. hmmm. Honestly I believe if people can stay in abusive relationships for life then it's possible to stay in a romantically dull relationship as well.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Well thought out comment dashingscorpio. Perhaps people still believe the 'ideal' is the whole passionately in love thing, therefore they want that for their kids, forgetting that in reality this is not all that likely and that perhaps the long term contentment comes from different stimuli like security, mutual respect etc. Who knows for sure, but if you recognise that the 'in love' feeling is a chemical reaction in the body, it then becomes more acceptable to realise that other things can be more significant over many years. A fascinating subject all round whatever anyone's opinion.


Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

Jo_Goldsmith11 2 years ago

I once met a guy who took my breath away at how warm and attentive he was to my feelings. His eyes would light up when he would see me. We enjoyed hanging out and talking. We snuggled and it felt so comfortable and wonderful.

Then the problems and storms began to come on a frequent basis. The times we shared together ended up more times apart. I would withdraw into my shell and close him out of my space. The breakdown of communication started to snowball and when there was any communication. It was a matter of feeling like his achievements overshadowed mine to the point he seemed to be arrogant to me. Our love life started to take a nose dive and I wonder if it is because of the age of years that separate our individual life experiences. I pray that the love we once had may return. Right now I have those emotional barriers up. I feel numb inside and I am unsure how I should approach our future. Love your insights on this subject.

Shared and Up +++ :-) Take care


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 2 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thank you for your thoughts and comment Jo. I really hope you find happiness, be it with this man or another man. I have been in relationships with age gaps, and in fact my parents had one. I can honestly say I have seen those relationships both work and fail (maybe it depends on how old you both are at the time of the relationship). I hope in your case this is either just a 'blip' in the relationship, or you manage to part amicably and you get a chance to be happy with a partner better suited to you.


LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 2 years ago from Australia

You raise some very valid points, mistyhorizon2003. I am, however, very lucky that my husband and I are still as much in love as we were the day we married about 20 years ago. We are delighted to spend time together and absolutely hate it when we are apart.

I do understand what you are saying, but I look back at the years I spent with my ex and wonder why I settled for less than brilliant for so long.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 2 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi LongTimeMother, I am really happy that you managed to find such true love. If only everyone else did, but many people don't, and if they held out for 'true' love for their entire lives they might well die old, lonely and struggling to cope financially. You were one of the lucky ones you found someone who loved you as much as you loved them.


Angel 2 years ago

I loved this page and I agree 100% with you. Congratulations!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 2 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Angel, glad you agree with the point of view I expressed here.


Yeapyeah 2 years ago

What if you are neither "in love" or "love" your spouse? What if you only "care" for that person? Is that the same as loving that person?


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 2 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Interesting point, but I would say to care for someone is to love them on some level, so it falls under the same category as I described here.


Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 2 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

Yes, relationships can work without being in love. India is known for the Arranged Marriage system where the couples marry mostly without being in love. And after spending days, months or years together... They may or may not fall in love with each other. This marriage of convinience arranged by Parents and elders in the family is known to have a high success rate.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 2 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Anamika S, a very good example :)


Sarah Kessler profile image

Sarah Kessler 17 months ago from Seattle

This is a great point and a well-written article! I have been thinking about just this - and that, for couples who are parents of children, sometimes the loving-each-other but not in-love type of relationship works out best because there isn't that hot and cold passion--or hot and hot passion--and the couple can work as a team and focus on being great parents. I think a lot of divorces stem from passionate relationships that end equally passionately.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 17 months ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thank you Sarah. I am really pleased you enjoyed this article and totally agree with the points you make in your comment.


StacyKwon 17 months ago

Interisting Hub !

I really think you made some good points and i must say you convienced me.

Here's a link for all thos who love or not ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl0zgWWn7yY

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