Canine Jealousy

Hell Hath No Fury...

One evening back in the High School days, I was hanging out in the park with a few friends shooting the breeze and chugging a few beers. This guy walks up with what looks like a Doberman puppy on a leash and asks if one of us would like to own a dog. He said the dog was free to a good home. I'm thinking that a free Doberman puppy would be perfect and sure enough, the guy gives me the dog, a few cans of food, and a box of dog biscuits. I take my new prize home and of course my parents hit the roof immediately, and start complaining how I won't take care of it and how much it will cost to feed it not to mention the trips to the vet. Naturally I made every promise under the sun and vowed to take full responsibility for "my" pet.

Turns out my new canine companion is both female and mixed with German Shepard which became more and more evident as she began to grow. First, she developed this huge chest and neck resembling an NFL Linebacker. Imagine that with a small doberman brain-case, uncropped ears, uncut tail and you've got a pretty good picture of my pet.

I was playing in the symphonic, jazz, and marching band in addition to a few garage bands doing shows at clubs at night and weekends. Naturally, this provided many opportunities to meet girls. Both parents worked so the house was usually free during the day providing plenty of time for fooling around which I did more often than not. When I had girls over, I usually let the dog run around the house. I never named my pet thinking that if she didn't have a name you couldn't call her or give her commands she would listen to. She responded to my voice and definitely knew when I was talking to her. She usually paid the girls no mind and found a spot somewhere nearby and laid down.

About a year later, I found a girl I really had the hots for and settled into a serious relationship. Her name was Jerri and we stared spending a lot of time together especially at my house. My dog begins to take notice of this and starts acting a little aggressive and adversarial toward Jerri. It's subtle at first but becomes more pronounced as time goes by. She begins to bark and growl at Jerri every-time she comes over, tries to pin her in a corner and threatened to bite her a few times. Of course I down play the significance of these events and try to convince my girl that my dog isn't really going to bite her and is just playing with her. I suggest she become more affectionate with my dog to show her that her presence is no threat and that the two of them can get along. From my dog's point of view though, it's like trying to get the wife to make friends and get along with the mistress-- that was soooo not happening.

By this time my dog is displaying some real animosity for my girl. Now anytime Jerri comes over, I put the dog in the basement until she leaves. One day Jerri comes over so we can get busy and I keep the dog between us while she goes up to the bedroom. I leave the dog downstairs, go up to join Jerri and close the bedroom door.

About 15 minutes into our session, the bedroom door slams open, my dog leaps from the foot of the bed, lands at the head and and grabs a muzzle full of Jerri's hair and starts thrashing her head from side to side like a shark in a feeding frenzy. Jerri starts screaming "My hair, my hair stop her it hurts!" Still connected at the waist, I try to pry my dog's mouth open but she starts backing off the bed dragging Jerri with her. I can't get her mouth open before she yanks away taking a huge tuft of Jerri's hair with her. Jerri's crying now on the floor bleeding from the scalp and my dog takes a seated position in the doorway with a muzzle full of hair and an expression that reads "I told you bi*tch I was gonna get you, You're lucky I couldn't finish what I started!" I still can't believe what just happened and as I move towards the doorway my dog runs downstairs. I quickly follow and put her in the basement.

Meanwhile Jerri is hysterical, still crying and cursing like a sailor. In no uncertain terms, she tells me it's either "That damn dog or me!" She gets her clothes, takes one of my baseball caps and storms out of the house. I didn't hear a word from her after that for at least a week. Think she was a little mad at me?

In the end Jerri won out, her hair grew back and we stayed together for about 10 years, after-all she was bringing a lot more to the table, and there were a few incidents where my dog started chewing up the neighbors. I found a home for her on a farm in PA where she could run around all day and hopefully enjoy herself. The vet had warned me that my dog might become mentally unstable as she got older due to her genetic makeup-- he feared her brain would get too big for her skull and that the pressure would lead to a form of canine insanity. I tend to view it as a case of canine jealousy. Remember, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and apparently, it doesn't matter what form the woman happens to be in at the time.

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Comments 1 comment

Tiffany 8 years ago

You sure have had an eventful life thus far

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