Certain Guys/Girls You Should Never Get Involved With

Dear Veronica

I just read your Hub I'm Friends With My Ex Wife and my Current Wife Hates It and wanted to ask a question. The article is great but some of the comments are really out there. People just don't get it. I was in a similar situation. I'm divorced and I am friends with my exwife. We were always friends we were just not in love anymore. I dated a woman for 2 years that I would have married but she was totally intolerant of my way with my ex and kids. I had to break up with her. Finally I am dating a woman 8 months now who is self secure and phenomenal. She loves my kids and respects my friendships. I'm planning to propose next month. My question is, why do women date guys who's lives they can't handle?

Peter

Dear Peter,

Excellent question.

It goes far beyond the ex and the friendships and the baggage, too. And it's not just the ladies. Guys do this too. I have a male friend that married a stripper, then wanted her to quit her job. He knew she was a stripper when he met her, he married her expecting to change her. I know many women that have dated guys in bands. They loved the band thing, but once they get the guy they're too jealous for his lifestyle. They want him out of the band, or they cause all kinds of trouble for him.

Some differences between mates add spice and intrigue. But some things really are deal breakers. The trick is to know the difference.

It's not about right or wrong, it's about accepting people for who they are.

If you are looking for marriage and you’re having a hard time meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right, maybe this is part of the problem. Are you aware of your deal breakers? Do you stop wasting your time if you see those red flags?

A person’s job or career, history, hobbies, habits, values, needs and goals can all be deal breakers if they involve things you will not live with. If you're in the relationship saying, he's going to have to change, he can't do this after we're married, I'm going to have to put an end to that, then you are setting yourself up for failure.

Dating someone with intentions of growing something serious, should never involve your needing to change them in order for you to live happily ever after. If you can't accept and embrace who they are, who they are becoming, who they want to be, then you can't have a forever with them.

Normal disagreements and healthy compromises are a sign of reality. He wants to watch The History Channel, she wants to watch hockey. (That's what's happening in my house right now as I write this.) He spends a little too much money on the dream car he's rebuilding. She wants to have a bigger place so they can entertain more, he's a democrat, she hates scary movies... These are no brainers. I can watch hockey in the guest room, or I can DVR it. He can adhere to a budget so he can have his hobby but still cover his bills. They can house hunt together and pick a place in the middle of what they each want. They can have intellectual discussions about politics or agree to disagree, he can see scary movies with his sister's kids.

The things that are deal breakers are the things that aren't available to compromise. If you have jealousy issues, dating someone with close relationships with ex's, or dating a professional model or rockstar, is probably not going to work out.

If you want to have kids, dating someone who does not want kids should be a red flag for you. If you want to get married, dating someone who admits they never want to be married is probably not a wise decision.

Fireman, police officers, and people in the armed forces live a certainly dangerous life. It takes a special person to be able to deal with that. It isn't for everyone. You might realize you'd be better suited with a 9 to 5'er.

If you have a job or career that involves a great deal of traveling, a person you're dating that talks about coming home from work to find dinner on the table every night may not be a smart choice for you. Consequently, if you have a classic office job which frees up your nights for your hobbies, your indulgences, or your charity work, a partner that travels a lot may leave you feeling frustrating and lonely. You may not do well with his being away so much.

It’s a personal call. You might like the idea of the two of you being vastly different. Or you might like the thought of a fairly compatible lifestyle with his. The thing is, you'd save yourself some time and heartache if you can think about this and figure out what you need to be happy.

Dating a struggliing artist will be very hard for you if you need financial security in your relationships. If you’re the struggling artist, you should think about how you react with other artists. Are you competitive? Are you encouraged? Do you like being the only artist in the room, or do you like being around like-minded people?

Date the person they are, not the person you want to change them into being.

Some things may be trivial, but if it's important to you, then it's important. Communicate your needs and discuss options and compromises. Being in a healthy relationship takes teamwork.

But it's not teamwork if you're thinking in the back of your head about how they have to change. Compromise is two sided. Changing someone isn't.

Consider the things that are important to you: Financial security, the ability to travel, being able to raise children with a partner. If you find yourself dating someone, these are things you should try to discuss and learn about them, hopefully in the first couple of months. If you discover the compatibility isn't there you really should put the relationship into perspective. This could be a fun fling, a lifetime friend, or a good acquaintance. But if you're already thinking you want to change something major about this person, then stop thinking long term love.

Peter, the article you referenced makes the best example. Ron had kids and an ex wife he was good friends with, when he met his current wife. She knew the situation going in. If it wasn't for her, so be it. But expecting him to change was wrong. The comments you referred to reflect a bitterness that comes from that same headspace. You don't get involved with someone if you think you're going to change them. It's not about right or wrong. It's about accepting people for who they are.

Each person you date presents a new set of issues to consider. You may not even realize how much you enjoy your alone time until you make a commitment with someone that travels for work alot. This may be a perfect arrangement for you. Lots of time to write, or go out with the girls, or work on your jewelry making. You may not be aware of how hard it is to date a cop until you're doing it. And of course it may be too late when you figure it out; you may be deeply in love and can't pull yourself out. Some differences can be dealt with if you’re both willing to work at it. It is amazing what two people who really want to make it work can do when they put their minds toward solution instead of selfishness.

But that doesn't mean that anyone should to change for you. They aren't wrong because you wanted something different. They are who they are. You can learn to deal with it, you can work together on compromises, or you can get out. Expecting them to change to suit you is the only wrong answer.

This hub

was written by Veronica for Hubpages. All text is original content by Veronica. All photos are used with permission. All videos are courtesy of youtube.com. 

Want my advice? Email me your relationship dilemmas and questions. Thanks!

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6 comments

Jessical 6 years ago

I want u 2 tell me what to do. I dated a guy who disvirgined me, i been wit him 4 3yrs . Later i discover he was a player i broke wit him 4 abt 4month & later his asked me out lured me into bed twice but i later left him. Now another of his frnd is in love wit me and i think i love him too 3 days ago my first ex-boyfrnd came 2 my house in skul 2 settle wit me i couldnt resist him so i fell 4 since 4 him by having sex later on i started regreting everthing till now. Should i tell my new love wat i did but what if lead 2 a breakup between us? Pls tell me what do. Do i look like a whore?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Jessical,

Having sex or not having sex doesn't make you look bad. (I'm not going to objectify the word whore.) Sex is sex, it is what it is. If you want to have casual sex with this guy, that's great. It's normal and healthy. But if you keep saying yes to this guy and then feeling like shit, that's a problem. Get a hold of yourself.

What makes you look bad, is that you know this guys is a player and a user, and you aren't looking for a good time. You're looking for something different. But still, you have sex with him, use words like "lure" and "couldn't resist" and then have regrets. Clearly, you make choices you regret later. Pretending you have no self control or will to resist this guy that only wants you for sex, is what makes you look bad.

I think you should be honest with the guy you're with now. But until you are capable of being true to yourself, you aren't going to be able to be true to him.


Christy <3 6 years ago

Veronica,

I've been in this on-off relationship with this guy for about 8 years. It's kinda become a justin bobby-audrina thing (sorry love the hills). When we met I was 90 lbs (I'm 5 ft so it worked without looking sickly). I don't weigh that little anymore but I still think I'm attractive. However he makes me feel so miserable about myself. He makes comments, comments on other girls and how fab they look. He gets me so depressed i just can't find any motivation to do anything other than sleep and drink. He said "I'm always gonna make comments" and anytime I address this he flips. I do all I can for him. I cook, I clean his house but i just feel like nothing is good enough for him. Mind you he's no prize either. I don't know why but I can't leave him, can't stand to see him with anyone else. Idk maybe it's just I haven't known anything different/better. I've been thru a lot and it's just mind-boggling why he would be so selfish still. Hopefully you'll have some advice bc it's just unbearable...but I can't leave!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Christy

I've answered you in your own hub, here:

http://hubpages.com/relationships/You-Have-To-Resp...

Namaste.


HattieMattieMae profile image

HattieMattieMae 5 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

Awesome, you said it all, and true!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Thanks HattieMattieMae!

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