Cheating: My Rant on the Victimization of Cheaters

Being cheated on can be the worst feeling in the world, but never let someone make you feel worthless.
Being cheated on can be the worst feeling in the world, but never let someone make you feel worthless. | Source

Being Cheated On

I haven't been given permission by others involved to publish my own story but I still would like to write something for those who have been cheated on, particularly women. When I was cheated on, I had no one there for support. My family and friends had long ago decided to walk away instead of giving me comfort because they didn't like the man I had fallen in love with. They're actions revolved around a sort of "I told you so" attitude that they all still share, since I am still, amazingly, with this same man.

This is why, with no one in the real world to turn to, I turned to the internet for information and guidance when the cheating occurred. It is also why, now things are said, done, and resolved, I am willing to address the issues that I found in these articles, which do more harm than good since they are in no way informative or realistic.

Surprisingly, through all my searches, what I mostly came across were articles by men saying that men had the right to cheat because they're more susceptible to temptation since they are more easily aroused than women. I read that women were to blame for men's cheating habits because they are the temptation, whether they do so purposely or not, and that wearing short skirts or low top shirts will always make a man forget that wife or girlfriend sitting at home waiting. They claimed it was all natural and that the female victim should just wake up to reality.

This article is for those who see through the bullsh*t and want some real advice.

It can be a lonely road but there are ways to cope with cheating.
It can be a lonely road but there are ways to cope with cheating. | Source

Why Cheat?

Cheating, more than anything else, is a selfish act. No matter how a cheater spins it, that's the way it is and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. They will never admit it, but when they see that low cut blouse and that hiked up dress, they don't forget you, they just push their memories of you aside, using that old "men are designed to be polygamous while women are monogamous" argument to further their cause. It sounds relatively scientific so they think they can sneak it by you and you'll just bow your head and accept it.


Remember that women cheat too. It seems that most people forget that but in my experience through my network of friends and family, I know just as many women as men who have cheated or still do. If the science of these cheaters is true, then why are these women also cheating with their men loyally waiting for them at home?

There are plenty of men out there who are just as monogamous as these articles claim women to be. They just don't get as recognized because it's only the cheaters that are interesting to read about, not the loyal Romeos. Please, ladies, don't forget those good men out there. They deserve as much recognition as the loyal wives and girlfriends.

Love can be like a blindfold
Love can be like a blindfold | Source

Have you ever been cheated on?

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Excuses for Cheating

Another argument furthered in the internet is that the cheater does what he/she does because there were problems in the relationship. These problems include not enough or infrequent sex or boredom. When I see this, I wonder why the person writing this article believes that this is a justification for cheating. On the one hand the cheater, recognized as only ever being male, is defended as one who follows their natural instincts to spread their seed and sleep with women who are all temptations. At the same time, they are also given this excuse that they weren't given enough by their wife/girlfriend so they had to get it somewhere else.

Personally, I gave every second of my time and gave up all my friends, family, and reputation for my boyfriend and he still tried to use this excuse with me, only to take it back and admit the real cause much later. It's easy to blame the person that was cheated on for their mistakes instead of taking it upon themselves. What they prove through their act of infidelity is that there was something wrong with them not you. Obviously, if there wasn't something wrong with them, they would've addressed the issue or just broke up with you but they decided to be sneaky and malicious instead. Not your fault they chose a nonsensical, roundabout way out.

If a man is all these other stereotypical, shallow things those articles say about them being more prone to polygamy and all that, why can't Mr. Cheater stand up like a man and tell me like a man that there's something wrong? That things need to be fixed or they need to end right now? How does going out and sleeping around fix anything? That's why this excuse doesn't work, even following the magic scientific excuses they come up with. Also why you shouldn't listen to them and let them bring you down.

So, if you follow the majority of articles I am referring to, you, as the one cheated on, need to learn your place as woman and realize that you will always be loyal and follow him while he will always follow his penis and chase other women. Also, it's your fault for being too boring and not having enough sex with him. You should have been able to read his mind when he started to stay out more often and not talk to you. Shame on you.

That's only partly sarcastic because that's really the nutshell version of what I read and why I turned off my computer and dealt with it my own way instead. If cheating is a solution for a natural instinct and a remedy for issues in a relationship, shoot me now or let me turn lesbian because those are the most ridiculous excuses even though I see them everywhere.

If you are one who is prone to cheating, let your partner know so that he/she can get out while they still have a chance and don't get too deep. If it's natural, then there's no reason to lie and if you end up alone and with an STD sitting in a dark corner one day of some dark and desolate place because you can't afford a nice one with all the child support then that's your fault for following your urges, never resisting temptation, and never communicating with your partner about what's wrong in the relationship, since it's natural and all.

If there are problems in the relationship and you can't say it to your partner's face then deal with it. If you can't deal with it, then get out. If you can't get out because you love this person so much then suck it up and resolve it instead of going out to some other woman because that's just a roundabout way to destroy it all and completely goes against the idea that you actually love her.

For those who have been cheated on, there is no excuse. You can either choose to forgive (never forget) or to just leave. Sometimes leaving is the best because then the person can know what is most important to them. If it's you, they will come back, know what the relationship is all about (monogamy) and be better than they were before. If not, you'll find someone much more awesome. Articles may say every man is a cheater but I know that not every one is so there is always hope.

Cheating husband
Cheating husband | Source

© 2012 LisaKoski

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Comments 12 comments

daisynicolas profile image

daisynicolas 4 years ago from Alaska

I emphatize with you. I've been there and it's painful. But then, you realize that you'll recover fast because if you treasure yourself, then, you'll even treasure yourself better and be more wise. These men are not worth the trouble nor the thought. I wrote a hub on "Cheaters are Liars." And this hub is from the point of view of the victim.

everythingdazzles profile image

everythingdazzles 4 years ago from Pittsburgh, PA

To be honest I believe that everyone is responsible for their own actions. I also know that once a cheat more chances than none they will cheat again. I find there are a lot of men who are not interested in cheating so those are the types I'll go for.

Website Examiner 4 years ago

This is very well-written and thoughtful. Your every point seems convincing to me.

EclecticFusion profile image

EclecticFusion 4 years ago from Tennessee

It did not happen to me, but to a friend and she chose to leave. The whole 3 years they were together he constantly questioned her about her fidelity and in the end, he was the one that cheated. I think through his questioning, he was telling her all she ever needed to know.

Thanks for sharing this.

billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

You are right on in your opinions and I applaud you for giving voice to what so many feel...excellent hub!

Max Havlick profile image

Max Havlick 4 years ago from Villa Park, Illinois

It's human nature, I guess, but it still amazes me, that so many people (men and women) never seem to get tired of finding fault with what other people do, and painting them in the most derogatory manner possible! As if shaming people by putting their actions in the worst possible light will somehow turn them into saints, i.e., people who do only and exactly what we want them to do!

There is so more to enjoy in this wonderful world than relentlessly pointing to all the faults of other people as the cause of one's own unhappiness.

LisaKoski profile image

LisaKoski 4 years ago from WA Author

Insightful but I don't understand what you're referring to in this hub exactly. No blame is put on anyone except that I believe people should take responsibility for their actions instead of making themselves out as a victim and blaming their own actions on those they've hurt.

One's unhappiness can be caused by the faults of others when their flaws cause them to purposely cause harm. Cheating is an example as it's a conscious act done out of selfishness and not love and brings on hate, distrust, and other negative feelings as a consequence.

There's no aim here for me to promote myself as a saint by shaming people, as you say. More an aim to take the side of those who deserve pity rather than justifying something that in no way is justifiable.

Millionaire Tips profile image

Millionaire Tips 4 years ago from USA

Well said. Those are simply excuses. The men are not the victim. The person cheated on are victims, but only the first time. S/he needs to get out after the other person has proven himself not trustworthy.

rulalenska profile image

rulalenska 4 years ago from USA

Cheaters, male or female, know cheating is wrong. They know they are weak and low on self-respect. That is why they sneak around and are ashamed or afraid to admit to their behavior and have excuses. You should laugh at them for being weak spineless little weenies.

Max Havlick profile image

Max Havlick 3 years ago from Villa Park, Illinois

Lisa, thanks for your response, and pls forgive my delay in getting back to you, which I put off because I don't relish arguing with anyone in such pain as you express, which you are perfectly entitled to feel, of course, but receiving notice of rulalenska's comment reminded me of your fine essay and its important issues.

A big communication gap exists here, Lisa, not likely to be solved in this brief venue, esp. with raw, hurt feelings out in the open, but how can you write such an eloquent tirade against cheating and cheaters (pejorative terms), and put up that billboard (also pejorative), then innocently claim you do not seek to shame or blame anyone for doing something you think is wrong? Of course you do; otherwise, what's the point?!

On my mention of saints, a close reading will show I did not refer that term to you personally, Lisa, but spoke ironically and metaphorically to the folly, as I see it, of anyone thinking bitter, relentless moral criticism of things they don't like, such as you scathingly dish out here, will cause anyone's adult behavior to improve (in the direction of saintliness).

If solving moral problems were that easy, we could just stage one big scolding session and the world could instantaneously start becoming a better place, on that issue at least. You, of course, have already provided such a scolding, and a well written one it is, I gladly give you credit for that, but has there been any noticeable decline in extra-marital relationships? According to the New York Times, they are on the increase!

Modern psychology established long ago that marital issues are family problems involving everyone in the family, and always with two sides to the kind of distress you have, as you can see by consulting any competent current book on marriage counseling. Relationships best improve through understanding, Lisa, not through assigning blame, and the lead must always be taken by the person who most desires the improvement.

My heart goes out to you, Lisa, with prayers and best wishes that you never give up seeking the love and happiness in life that you deserve.

Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

There was a time when it seemed that men cheated more than women, but that belief may be very debatable today.

You said, "They will never admit it, but when they see that low cut blouse and that hiked up dress, they don't forget you, they just push their memories of you aside, using that old "men are designed to be polygamous while women are monogamous" argument to further their cause. It sounds relatively scientific so they think they can sneak it by you and you'll just bow your head and accept it."

This is the reason why so many men are paying child support double and triple time. This is why some are battling STD's and suffering the consequences of their bad-boy lifestyles. This is why some men are checking out of one hotel while their wives are checking into another one. Payback, ladies, have consequences too. This is why some cheating husbands have finally gotten their wives to accept their "uncontrollable" desires, but their children may turn out look like Jody down the street.

Advice: Do not--I will repeat--do not accept an invitation from Jerry Springer or that bald guy. Stay at home and deal with the problem that more women have caught that "Uncontrollable" virus. Where are you leading your women, and why? What examples are you giving your boys and girls? Where is this ship of a world heading? Are you at the helm or below deck exercising your uncontrollable urge to cheat with one of the maids in a cabin? I see an iceberg in the distance. All men on board!

Seriously, men are the main leaders in society, and their “followship” is as good as their leadership.

Tod Zechiel profile image

Tod Zechiel 2 years ago from Florida, United States

I'm on board with Dr. Laura, you can only cheat when you are married. Any other context of cheating cheapens marriage.

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