Cheating - is this natural and ok?

Men:

Male infidelity or cheating might be disappointing but should be expected and not a deal breaker for many women including Michelle McGee (Jesse James girl friend/ ex-Amish dancer) and "Window Seat" singer Erykah Badu!

From Hollywood to big business to politicians, to regular working folks the same stories emerge year after year about men being bad. The only thing new now is that instead of looking the other way, some women are now blatantly excusing men who cheat, claiming they have a need to "chase"....

"No! Infidelity is not a deal-breaker for me. We’re all born sexual beings," Badu says after admitting that she's had a boyfriend constantly since the age of five. "I myself am not someone with a very high libido. I don’t require sex for happiness – I need companionship. I need a partner I can depend on, that I can love and grow with. But I do understand the nature of these men I’ve been with, and men in general. They have a need to chase. I’m having to recondition my brain, ’cos the first thing I got was a doll named Barbie and she had Ken and that’s how it was supposed to be. You’re conditioned to think that way, and when it doesn’t happen you feel you’re a failure. What we have in common, me and the brothers I’ve known, is that we are all trying to evolve," she says. "We talk a lot about things that men want. Because I want them to be happy and the more I see how the male of the species behaves, the more I understand, and the less I blame him."

Some consider that further “proof” can be gleaned from Michelle McGee's infamous quote in Steppin' Out magazine: “I think men are made to spread their seed. Women need to accept that. If you're going to be married to somebody, you need to know that men are not meant to be with one woman. I think you can totally love your spouse and still sleep with other women. That urge will always be there, if you're a man. I believe you can love your wife 100 percent and still stray.”

Various psycho analyst studies referring to the central, primitive part of the human brain apparently support this theory as well. You know the story. How women are mentally programmed to “nest” and raise and protect children which requires a hunter/ protector type always around (ie: the man). This makes her man leaving or potentially leaving by flirting or being involved with others a survival threat. Men are mentally programmed to “hunt and spawn” to increase the chance of human species survival by mating with many women and in theory improving the genetic quality of the race since the superior kids are most likely to survive and promulgate. Well I'm sure Tiger Wood's will be happy to hear this...

Women:

Now there are studies that since modern women enjoy greater empowerment in the workplace and in other ways than ever before in history that some are playing the similar roles as men.

Engagements ring used to be the symbol of ultimate security for single girls. However, a dangerous ilk of women is on the rise — those who don't consider a wedding band a deterrent, while searching for Mr. Right. They crave the excitement of a passionate romance, but one with an added challenge on top. In other words: They want your boyfriend or husband and aren't the least bit afraid to go after him.

In a recent study, researchers divided bachelorettes into two groups and showed them photographs of a hot guy — telling one group he was single and the other he was in a relationship; then, they asked the women how likely they were to pursue him. Only when the woman believed he was committed to someone else did interest in the male subject skyrocket. So what gives? It's not like mate poaching is a new concept. The idea of seeking several partners is classic Darwinian thinking. However, some experts say the more sexual equality females gain in society, the more this will continue to grow.

There's even a chemical explanation for why many women pursue guys in relationships. “Any block to romantic love drives up dopamine — a brain chemical associated with love and reward,” says Fisher. “That brain rush can feel addictive.”

“Men in relationships have already proven their willingness to commit, which is a major draw to these women,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex and relationship therapist. “The possibility of landing him may make her feel special and maybe even superior.” But this high usually doesn't last for long”. That's because these men are often happy to have sex on the side, but are rarely willing to leave their wives or girlfriends. In the end, both women loose. The problem is, by expending all their energy on men in relationships, female mate poachers are overlooking potential single guys that could be compatible long-term mates.

But does this mean that it is OK for all men to cheat because it is natural and even for some working women to try to steal away husbands because their job makes them think partially like men? Or is all of this just “BS” and attempted justification for weakness or selfishness?

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Comments 17 comments

katiem2 profile image

katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

I agree, this is a whole other angle for more opened minded people. People who are free and healthy with their sexuality would approach this as in fact natural and not cheating. Depends on the audience. I've been married twice and realize it's not for me as I have a more live in the moment spirit. I agree with your views and find it refreshing and helpful as cheating is this natural and ok, :)


dkrainwater profile image

dkrainwater 6 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming

I have an open mind, but my wife is my best friend and partner. I could never cheat on her.


jman00001 profile image

jman00001 6 years ago from Texas Author

katiem2 thank you for your comment and honesty. This subject is a difficult one for many.

What some forget is that flirting, chasing and in cases cheating is what started their relationship! The very one they are now trying to defend against their partner from showing the same behavior.


jman00001 profile image

jman00001 6 years ago from Texas Author

dkrainwater thank you for your comment and input. Friendship is a key, powerful element in long term relationships. I agree that it can limit or resist the chasing or cheating instinct.

Another question is whether this resistance or abstinence is “fair” to all concerned. For instance if you constantly feel like you are missing out or sacrificing to be faithful to the point you end up being depressed much of the time…but when your 60 you succeeded in being faithful, but also feel you missed out on 30 years of potential natural fun and expression is that a good life decision?


Bud 6 years ago

Lady please. It's Sunday and perhaps a more religious than secular view is appropriate. Say Philippians 3:12 to 4:1.


bob 6 years ago

At first I was going to go with the " this is all BS" opinion on justification for cheating. Certainly just saying NO is what I want my girlfriend, mother and most co-workers to hear me say! ..Very PC..

But is it true?

For years men -single men at least - take great pride in dating conquests. The more cute girls they "get" the better. Movies, media and American culture supports this mindset whether we like it or not.

Well, I'm anonymously logged on so will simple answer honestly. Yes, it seems possible and appropriate in cases for healthy, successful men to stray on the side as long as they do not wreck or leave their real family and still love that family.

Now the logistics of "how" to do that without wrecking things is a whole other challenge. Hey, even Clinton and Tiger with all their handlers blew that challenge.


stepbydesign 6 years ago

The first few chapters of the book Beat the Bitch are hard work, I didn't really feel like continuing with the book. But the gradually the advice given become more sensible and practical. Overall I looooooooooove it.


jman00001 profile image

jman00001 6 years ago from Texas Author

stepbydesign, not sure where your comment was going? the topic was simply on what people believe is the greatest good for their lives and the lives of significant others.

A sacrifice in vain that benefits no one is not considered a noble effort by some. If the sacrifice or action has merit, then I (and many others) would be all for it.


jman00001 profile image

jman00001 6 years ago from Texas Author

Bud - thank you for your comment. Well I assume your comment refers to the following Philippians passages:

-----------------

18(For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ:

19Whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things.)

20For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for the Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ:

21Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself.

--------------

I believe a key reason for biblical structure and control and limitations things like sexual expression and partnering was due to family and children. In the old days, no real birth control existed and women were completely financially and socially dependent on their husband or father. I understood that in many cases women were little more socially elevated than a favorite horse or slave. Therefore multiple wives for rich men were not uncommon in parts of the world. I think in order to have society progress and not fall apart, religion and government had to come in and shore things up initially. The “need” to create a sacred contract around marriage in order for sex to be officially and publically acceptable was met. Also the “need” to protect the development of the offspring ( children) by way of keeping both parents involved and responsible for them till a certain age was also met by most government rules as well as religious overtone.

The point of the hub was not to glorify “ being bad and intentionally hurting other people”. It was to explore the options for personal freedom and pursuit of happiness without so much guilt.


sameerk profile image

sameerk 6 years ago from India

Cheating is not ok dear .I write love poems only for my wife.


American Tiger 6 years ago

At the end of a 13 year relationship, 11 years and four daughters into our marriage, my ex-wife decided that whole Monogamy thing didn't work for her anymore. The repercussions of her selfishness and infidelity still reverberate in all our lives.

Some might say it takes a village, but cheating DESTROYS the village. In the mind of a child, "Mom-and-Dad" is one word, and the solid base from which they will jump into the world. Break up that base with extramarital affairs, and the child's sense of security gets trashed.

The women in your article are setting themselves up for failure, and abandoning the very civilizing force which women can bring into a relationship.

Demand fidelity. Insist that vows, once given, be honored for life. Require that the spoiled rotten little boys assume the mantle of Manhood, and the whole world will be richer for it. Such is the true power women wield, to shape the destiny of our race.

But it's so much easier to just say "They have a need to chase." and abdicate that responsibility. Have you ever noticed that the "easy way" almost always comes with a higher price tag?


jman00001 profile image

jman00001 6 years ago from Texas Author

American Tiger - Thanks you for your excellent, well written points. The damage to a traditional family structure where the wife ( assuming she was a stay at home housewife) is the one cheating instead of looking after her children and perhaps appreciating the one financially supporting her “domestic” lifestyle is a major issue and not well addressed by this hub. Based on assumptions about what you shared, what she did to you and your kids is certainly not something I or others would ever condone.

The hub was intended to focus on modern social norms and how they seem to be changing as the “power base” within society is shifting.

Before World War 2, your ex wife would have practically been stoned by friends, neighbors and family for doing what she did. Yet if the traditional husband had done the cheating back then, far less if any repercussion would have occurred. In fact, it would have been rare for the wife back then to sue for divorce even if his cheating continued discretely. Remember the old saying “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely“

Male “cheating or chasing” is a social norm in this society and in past societies regardless of right or wrong. Think about why a father and mother typically have pride when their son gets a pretty girlfriend, while the same family has great fear when their daughter becomes some boy’s girlfriend? Why does history show the dominance of men over women - In China, rich men had multiple “little wives” , in the middle east the rich men had “harems”, in Indonesia and Islam even now urfi or mut’ah marriages which are simply limited term, non binding “contracts” for women to play act as wives for the man while their father is paid a fee by a broker?

Now since more women work and have greater advantage with laws an court systems, even they seem to be more “open minded” or perhaps pushy about this and similar topics. However, intentionally, repeatedly betraying friends or loved ones in major ways is bad practice and should not be condoned. Objective of this note was to consider root causes of social trends and changes to better understand "why" things are bad or are ok.


American Tiger 6 years ago

Hello again Mandy.

We have a name here in the States for those islamic contract short-term weddings: HOOKERS. Pimped out by their own fathers, no less. Reason enough, allll by itself, to fight sharia every time it's offered up.

I'm sure you've read my hub on D/s by now. The dynamic I cite is one of the irrefutable truths of life, and answers your second question succinctly, I believe. Your first question, concerning sons and daughters dating, boils down to this: Boys do not get pregnant.

Historically, whenever a society abandons what are classically considered the Judeo-Christian values, it is the beginning of the end. Greece. Rome. Egypt. Vatican City... ~chuckles~

I'm not saying that decaying morals are the cause of the waning, but they are an excellent indicator. The symptom of a self-indulgent populace, given over to the elusive pursuit of personal gratification, abandoning the larger awareness of responsibility, family, fraternity, fidelity and community.

I know, I sit on a pretty high horse: I'm a bachelor, and hardly celibate. Worse yet, I've started a company to help young men become more confident & dominant, in every facet of their lives.

I simply have no patience or tolerance for cheating, by either spouse. My experiences define me. My ex was indeed a stay-home-mom, and the entire social system seemed to conspire to encourage and support HER, both legally and financially.

I was defined best as an "Evil ATM". Nothing it does is good, but you're free to take it's money.


Monogamy isn't natural! 6 years ago

Thank you very much for writing this interesting article! In my opinion, monogamy isn't natural, so the term "cheating" is simply a 'guilt trip' laid out by organized laws and silly belief systems. Hence, the "jungle law" of the Homo sapiens states that we are free to be, so do whomever you please... The ramifications therein, by being free & natural, is upon your arse and nobody else, as there is no need to ever point any fingers when dealing with the jungle law that is permissible by mother nature. Cheers now!


Daniel 5 years ago

Mr. Tiger,

Cheating didn't destroy your familial structure, you and your wife did. She obviously wasn't happy, for reasons you most likely contributed to. Cheating was only a symptom, not the disease afflicting your marriage.

Second, I'm sure there was enough anger, guilt, yelling, and crying to go around when the affair came out, and that probably caused more damage to your marriage than anything. If those crazy feelings--which, ironically enough, are the results of a stigma designed to protect marriage--didn't exist, she wouldn't be alienated, and you wouldn't feel angry or humiliated. None of the walls this affair (ahem, I mean the stigma) put up between your family members would ever have existed.

It's easy to blame the subject of a stigma that everyone's been brainwashed with since birth. It hurts to see a lover go, and if they're not allowed to go out and have sex... well, maybe, just maybe, they'll stay with you and be miserable for the rest of their life. (good luck with that!)

But if they could go out and take care of their needs without remorse or secrecy... maybe they'll stay with you quite happily.


lone77star profile image

lone77star 4 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Well done @jman00001. We all struggle with some forms of temptation.

Some people are seduced by anger, others by lust, and still others by self-pity. Those are the ways of darkness.

I long to be able to see again as a child of God without the need for physical eyes. I long to think my thoughts as a child of God without the need for the physical brain. I have tasted these things and long to make them permanent.

Ego is the source of temptation. Ego is the self Christ told us needs to die before we can gain everlasting life.

Those who hunger for or justify infidelity don't know the darkness they are pulling in on themselves.


jman00001 profile image

jman00001 4 years ago from Texas Author

Appreciate the comments! Thanks

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