Cheating: Why Do We Ask Why?

The Eyes Don't Lie...

Knowing "Why" Does Not Ease Your Pain...

There are lots of articles, hubs, and blogs written weekly asking, "Why Do Men Cheat?" or "Why Do Women Cheat?" No one seems to want to acknowledge both women and men cheat for the same reasons!

Every situation/relationship is different just as every person is different. Nonetheless the person cheating has a "need" of some kind. Needs are the motivation for all human behavior. We tend to do what we feel we need to do in order to feel good. Having said that there are 3 basic types of cheaters. Once again the reasons for cheating are the same for both women and men.

1. The Incessant Cheater

This individual has no intention of honoring any vow or promise they make. He or she is always looking for the next thrill or something "new".

Their motto is "Variety is the spice of life."

2. The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater

This person actually intended to be faithful and is not "looking " to betray their partner. They give into temptation when an "unbelievable opportunity" presents itself.

An extremely attractive person who shows interest in them, a girl or guy they had a crush on in school comes to town and wants to "hang out" and last but not least a famous celebrity or politically powerful person offers what appears to be "A once in a lifetime opportunity" to have sex with someone of their stature

Their motto is in line with Oscar Wilde's famous quote.

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it"

3. The Discontented Cheater

This person believed they found their soul mate and never dreamed they'd be considering cheating. Unlike The Incessant and The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater, The Discontented Cheater feels as though his/her partner is forcing them to "seek other options" outside of their relationship. It's not a stretch for them to feel “justified” in seeking other ways to fill a need that is not being met. Depression often serves as motivation to take a risk.

Octavio Paz said, "A flower without a stem, is beauty waiting to die. A heart without love, is a tear waiting to cry.

The real reason most people ask "Why?" is because they hope by knowing the answers they can prevent something bad from happening to them or find a way to stop someone from doing harm to them. ( In this case, Cheating)

In reality the only people we can completely control are ourselves! You can't stop anyone from cheating who wants to.

What Can You Do?

Cheating is a cowardly selfish act perpetrated by those who are afraid to risk going through a messy breakup or devastating divorce, which may put them at some type of disadvantage. Therefore her/his goal is to hold onto what they perceive to be good in the relationship while pursing outside options to fill in the missing gaps.

In their eyes cheating is a far easier solution than breaking up or going through a divorce. Generally speaking cheaters never believe they are going to be caught cheating. This is why they don't stop to consider the potential consequences of their actions.

It takes courage to walk away from everything you know in order to pursue happiness with an unknown person in an uncertain future. Essentially people cheat because it’s the easier thing to do.

Monogamy requires maturity, self-discipline, and the desire to place "HONESTY" at the top of all relationship requirements.

Keep the lines of communication open and never neglect or take your mate for granted.

Your “power” comes from (selecting the right people) to be a part of your life not changing people into what you want them to become. If you want an apple and you buy an onion instead, whose fault is that? People change when THEY want to change. Know what it is you are looking for and don't settle until you find it.

Hopefully with experience comes wisdom and the ability for us to become better at choosing people who share our same values. Trust like Respect is earned over time. Don't open your heart until your mate has demonstrated honesty and integrity. Without Honesty there can be no Trust, Respect, or Loyalty. It takes more time getting to know someone than most people are willing to invest before saying "I Do!"

Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions.

The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.

One man’s opinion!

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Comments 8 comments

alberich 5 years ago

Because we are cowards!


SonBeam 5 years ago

I must admit this article was written with insightful advice that can't be ignored. I've never been a cheater of any type, however I have been in a sex- less marriage for over the past 10 years. I am a female and most women do not have this problem. After living this way for so long one seeks others for answers. Marriage is where the expression of love should flow freely, however, year after year of dissatisfaction begans to take a toll on the mind, the ego and the unfulfilled persons confidence. I would think a person in her position is ripe for plucking and if found in a vulnerable position may stray in a weak moment. I also think any spouse is asking too much to much from the person they put in this position. So in my opinion the real victim is the unfulfilled wife, and if strays, she may not be justified but understood. Let me go on record as saying I don't believe there is ever a justified reason to be a cheater. How would you advise in this situation?


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

Every marriage/relationship is different.

One generally looks at what they stand to lose and what they stand to gain before making a decision. I agree with you your husband has contributed to your feelings of neglect. The role of any spouse is to nurture his/her mate.

No one enters into matrimony believing they are “forsaking all others” for (someone who has no desire for them).

There are basically two reasons why your husband would not give you what you want.

1. He doesn’t have it to give

2. He doesn’t think you’re worth the effort to give it to.

After you have spoken with your husband and expressed your needs you may have to decide if being in a “sexless marriage” is a deal breaker for you.

(If it is I say get out, if it’s not I say learn to live without.)Peace of mind will come only after you have made a decision.

People change when THEY want to change. You can only control yourself.

Asking, pleading, or nagging with someone usually leads to frustration and disappointment on your part and resentment on your spouse’s part.

Two things I’ve learned are, you don’t demand love and affection (they are given freely) And you can’t manufacture chemistry (it’s either there or it’s not) Having said that only YOU can decide what is best for you. Sometimes leaving isn’t practical unless you have a plan in place.

Best of luck


thirdmillenium profile image

thirdmillenium 2 years ago from Here, There, Everywhere

Well, every man and woman is a cheater in his/her heart. If someone says no, I am sorry


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

thirdmillenium , You make a valid point. Just about everyone has "lusted in their heart" or had a momentary thought of what it may be like to be with a particular person. However it is quite the difference to (imagine) doing something and (actually) doing it. Maybe that is why it's set up that our thoughts, dreams, and fantasies remain private! :-)


Danext profile image

Danext 2 years ago from Tanzania

Fortunately i never asked why because i knew exactly why she did it....i asked: "what we're you thinking after you doing it??".....:)........aaaaah bad memory....anyway, great hub, enjoyed it....it took me down a bad memory lane...but i liked it...:)....thanks


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

Danext , I agree there is no point in asking "Why?"

Cheating is either a "deal breaker" for you or it's not. If it's a "deal breaker" then there is NOTHING she/he could say that would cause you to agree with their decision to cheat on (you).


Danext profile image

Danext 2 years ago from Tanzania

Exactly....well put..

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