Childish Ways to Break up With your Lover

So in the spirit of breakup season (traditionally during the summer where everyone wants to have "fun") I thought of an interesting subject to blog about. I noticed through the years the whole notion of breaking up a relationship has changed dramatically. We thought breaking it off in grade school was bad. Now we have all these barriers that allow other people to take this non-confrontational way of tell you to GFY.

In the age of internet related hookups and breakups, one has to wonder... how would you feel if you were "dumped" via one of these communication devices? I asked a few of my friends what's the worst way someone can tell you they broke up with you. The most common answer was "via text or instant messenger." What I find most interesting about this is that even though they were all women and women tend to get just a wee bit hysterical at times, they would prefer for someone to confront them. This non-confrontational attitude has almost completely erased the most important thing about a breakup. If you've been through a few of them, you know what I'm talking about.

After pausing for a minute and asking yourself wtf I'm talking about, I'm assuming you came up with that wonderful conversational piece you often engage yourself in. You might've guessed it... the anatomy of closure. That little thing that we all know and love but CAN HARDLY EVER GET.

As adults, the dating world transforms from an immature "I like" a person to a completely different world. The vast internet world has made it almost impossible for these embarrassing tactics to be carried out.

Breaking off a relationship transformed from face to face confrontation and home phone conversation, to cell phones, email, instant messaging, and text messages. Honestly, what kind of a person would send a text message to end a relationship? Whoever does is a pitiful excuse for a person and should be dealt with by laughing hysterically at their expense during parties with friends while drinking margaritas and basking in the sunshine.

I'm sure we've all had them... you know what I'm talking about. Those dramatic soap opera like breakups that go down in the history books for "one of the stupidest things I ever did." It's okay, most of us have been through it... it's just that most people won't actually admit to it.

I've decided to write a short list of the most childish ways of breaking up with someone. I am avoiding the most commonplace topic of having a stalker or a mentally unstable boy/girlfriend. The following is a list for stalker and psycho free relationships. Please feel free to add or comment in case I miss anything.

1. First and foremost... NOTHING should be said via text in the way of "We're not working out; I don't want to see you anymore." It's absolutely ludicrous to think one can attempt to end a relationship by sending an unemotional text message usually followed by many unanswered calls. This brand of assholes and bitches are usually spineless, gutless, no-class jerks.

2. IM can be a great way to get to know somebody but not to tell them a relationship is over. Hell, if you break up with someone this way at least you can save the convo for a souvenir incase you're a masochist. Some people think that just because the convo is happening in real time that it substitutes a face to face confrontation. This is a different brand of assholes and bitches who are also spineless and gutless but have a little bit of class to actually wait for a response after they drop the bomb on you.

3) "I had a great time tonight" followed by "We shouldn't see each other anymore" waiting for bewilderment to kick in is really not a good idea when you're on the phone. I know I'm not the only one who's flipped out on someone and hung up on them then called them 29732792 times to flip out on them and we hung up on each other until we end up at each other's house.

4) Sending pictures, pic messages, email attachments or voicemails of you having sex with someone else really is a grimy piece of sh*t thing to do. You might want to rethink that if the person you're trying to piss off has rather large cousins and a psychotically protective mother. :) This takes a particular brand of ballsy individuals that have no respect for others and none for themselves. Now, if their partner knows you're the ex and they go along with it, then the two of them deserve each other.

5) Last but not least, we have the "silent treatment." I know you cracked a smile or winced your eyes at that! I think it's hilarious in an angry sort of way that people actually expect you to not act psychotic but won't return your calls or talk to you like a civilized human being. It's great when someone makes you out to be the worst person in the world, and then when they finally talk to you they actually have the balls to say "Oh, I have a boy/girlfriend now, I don't want to talk to you." This brand of ex's are completely immature and need to get a swift kick in the ass to grow up and find out what the real world is like.

Unfortunately, sometimes we will reduce to showing up at their doorstep and demand to speak to complete losers. I want you to understand that this is not an act of desperation; it's an attempt of closure. We are only human beings. If we're having sex with you and you suddenly stop talking to us, we want to know what happened. So fess up, be a big grown up person and actually give closure to that same person you may have said "I love you" to a few times. It's the least you can do if you're going to be a scumbag. :)

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