Clingy Vs. Loving and Why Do Cyber-bullies Try to Alienate You?

Push and Pull of love. One is more into the other.
Push and Pull of love. One is more into the other. | Source

What is the border of loving and what is beyond it in the "clingy" danger-zone?

I care too much. Why? I don't know. I just know that I am caring by nature: it was determined by my personality test. I'm the ENFJ, or "Mentor" personality type based on the Jung/Myers-Brigg version. And what can I say? It has explained a lot.

For one, my entire focus in life is to bring harmony and joy into my relationships. Everyone. Friends and family alike. Shoot, if I see potential in a stranger, I sure as heck will let them know that there is "greatness" in them! So what is wrong with me? I've been told I'm "too clingy."

What? I have been single for 2 1/2 years! And I'm actually happy? What? Here are some characteristics of my type:

  • Idealistic
  • Sociable
  • Warm
  • Gregarious
  • Introspective
  • Expressive
  • Altruistic
  • Complex
  • People-oriented
  • Caring
  • Charismatic
  • Assertive
  • Positive
  • Supportive
  • Encouraging
  • Organized
  • Abstract
  • Enthusiastic
  • Loyal
  • Leader
  • Empathetic
  • Selfless
  • Affectionate
  • Passionate
  • Nurturing

To be clear, I'd like to say that I'm proud of my personality type. For one, I share the same qualities as Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil, Ben Affleck, and Ben Stiller. Oh, and I think Matthew McConaughey, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mikhail Gorbachev, and Diane Sawyer are also ENFJs. We make up only 4% of the female population, and 2% of men. I guess that makes us all "abnormal," along with "clingy."

Why do I use the word "clingy?" Let me tell you about my morning.

I like to go on anonymous forums about relationships to help people. Well, this morning, a guy was seeking advice about what to do with his six-month relationship to a more "aloof" type than he was. He claimed he checked in with her daily asking how her day was going, with cold returns. Or he would compliment her, and she would respond with a "stop it!" Either way, I could totally see myself in this poor guy's shoes. I'd lived in a marriage of un-requited love for over 15 years before my ex "pulled the plug." I'm sure he thought I was smothering, "clingy" or "needy," but in all fairness, I just wanted closeness. I wanted him to appreciate me for all I was. I wanted him to see all the qualities I had. I just longed to hear his voice daily, over the phone, telling me he was thinking about me, and missed me.... Hey, I was married to the guy for 15 years, and we had three kids together, so I think it was only fair that he let me know when he was going to make it home for dinner (or not).

So, when I wrote a response to this man who was seeking advice for how to proceed forward in his relationship with "miss aloof," I dared to be too honest, and told the guy I wished I could meet someone like him. That was a mistake.... at least when you consider there are cyber-bullies ready and waiting to pounce on your honesty/weakness.

Next thing I knew, I was being clumped together with so-called "Mr. Needy," and I found it quite offensive when the anonymous cyber-bully called herself (and all the other posters there) "normal," and the OP and I "were not." So like Young Frankenstein, I became "Abby-Normal" in two seconds of cyber-space. And here I was thinking I had made so much progress in my self-help, self-discovery, self-improvement, self-such-and-such to have learned better than to be a "needy" or "clingy" co-dependent type I was in my relationship. Long story short: I think I'm still "healthy" as opposed to "abby-normal" when it comes to the amount of care/love a person should give in a relationship.

So what is considered "healthy" (or "loving") in a relationship, and what is "clingy?" You help me decide if I need to seek therapy or I'm still within "normal" range.

  • You expect a phone call, text or message each day from the person you love, regardless of whether or not you'll see them in your day.
  • They are happy when you compliment them, and reciprocate the adoration.
  • They keep you "in the loop" with what's going on in their life, in personal, work, family or other related issues.
  • You can tell them about how you feel without being stone-walled, alienated, or teased for being "too sensitive," or any other derogatory remark.
  • Your loved one is the first person you share your news with: hope, joy, sorrow or pain.
  • You crave hearing about your loved one's day, no matter how mundane, boring or uneventful it was, to you, it was the most exciting bit of news in your day.
  • You don't need words-- you just want to rub the shoulders and forehead or run your fingers through the hair of the one you love. And maybe offer other "perks" later on behind closed doors when you sense they need your support.
  • When you get excited, your thoughts all have one path: to your loved one. He or she is all you think about, and in a perfect world, that's all they think of about you.

So, how do I fare? Am I too clingy, or too loving? I really can't say, because I'm biased. Is it time for therapy, or time to reassess what kind of person I should spend time with? What should I tell Ms. "Cyber-bully?" I think name-calling is inappropriate for grown-ups as well as kindergarteners.

Like I told the cyber-bully: "Normal is what's normal for you." Quite honestly, I don't judge those who are savant. There are few of them, but in their world, they are "normal," and we less gifted are "weird." I guess in this world, I'm a "feeling-savant." Or so I'd like to think.

What are your thoughts? Am I too needy, or too loving? Is it normal to ignore your significant other? Should I, too, practice being more aloof?

More by this Author

Comments 18 comments

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

Wonderful1, someone will be very lucky when they catch you one day. You are smart to wait for the right person. I don't think you should "practice" being anything BUT you. The right person will love you based on who you are-for YOU. It isn't a matter of you needing to change to be something other than what you are, it is about finding someone that you are compatible with as you are.

I was in a horrible 14 year marriage with someone VERY aloof and I can relate to what you are saying 100%. He was a cold person. It took many years, but I finally found someone warm and caring. He is a Cancer and can be clingy, but to me.. it is a very welcome change.

I would love to know what your astrological sign is. The really aloof men of the zodiac are aquarius, gemini, sagittarius (not all) and virgo. You may want to avoid them.

I don't think that you are too clingy at all. I think you are just a sweet and affectionate woman who crossed the path of someone who didn't appreciate you. It is his loss! Great hub.

wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Oh, Tammy, The tears are running down my cheeks as I read your words. My ex was a Virgo, and although I thought we were the perfect connection (me being a Taurus), I found that his standards would always be higher than what I could provide (or perform). What sweet and comforting words you share.... thank you so much, and best wishes to you.

Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago


I wish you could find someone that could really love you, as Tammy said, for who you are. You have so much value and potential. On your profile you tell us a lot about you and your sweet kind heart toward us men. But men, most of us, just want to get in your pants; is so sad to see this beautiful mom not being asked out...I mean, by men worth to be in your life. We all have a past and we learn from our mistakes. There is nothing wrong with you being the way you are. The problem is the world that surrounds you. For now, as you must've said it before, better alone than sleeping with the enemy. Wish you so much happiness... for you and your 17 yrs old daughter.

Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

And your other 2 kids, that love mom!

karthikkash profile image

karthikkash 4 years ago from India

I guess I belong to that 2% you mentioned. I am one guy who requires closeness from the person I love. But "clingy"?? I honestly guess it solely depends on the other person what he/she has to think about me. All I know is that I care about them from my heart. If that person thinks that I am being too clingy, then I guess it is their loss.

Kyricus profile image

Kyricus 4 years ago from Ohio

Wonderful, there's nothing wrong with you at all. What you describe wanting is quite normal to me, and I'm a guy. I know from whence you come. I'm in the process of dissolving a long term relationship with a woman who is far more "aloof" than I. We're not married, but have been together probably long past the time when we should have been.

It's not often as a guy you get called a "drama queen" but I've heard that term come out of her mouth describing me a couple of times.

At any rate, we are all different, and there is someone out there for all of us. It just takes some of us a little longer in life to find them. In the meantime, we do the best we can, and try to enjoy the life we have.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

Wonderful1- You may like a Cancer or a Scorpio. They are more in tune, affectionate, and loving. Hang in there!

karthikkash profile image

karthikkash 4 years ago from India

tammyswallow: very true about Cancer and Scorpio. I think it is the same with Pisces :) I am a Scorpio :)

wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks sweetness! I'm actually talking to a hot, sweet Scorpio (same as my mom, and my dad was a Taurus like me). I didn't take horoscopes too seriously, but shoot, my ex sure proved that I want nothing to do with Virgos any more. I would love to meet another Taurus, just cuz I know how much love we can give... Thanks again for your kind words, sweetheart.

Karthikkash:love you too, lots of love going around to all of you!

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

well if you are clingy then so am I.. I would expect my love one to call me text me every day if they did not then I would be hurt. I feel the same way you do.



wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks Debbie: you're a sweet gem, and I hope the one you love sees that! God bless!

carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 4 years ago from Close to Heaven

Wonderful what you described is not clingy at all! I have to hear from my boyfriend every day or I am hurt too. He's a Scorpio so he's there all the time lol for the most part. Relationships after awhile go through phases, but you should never feel taken advantage of. I really don't trust someone who's too aloof. I wonder where there head is at. I am like you where I need attention and love and I am a Gemini! We're not supposed to be totally that way. lol Sometimes I feel people nowadays are about the ego too much and about themselves and really need to check what is most important in life which is love and family. It's a shame your ex didn't appreciate you. Maybe he was just a narcissist personality and can only think of himself. Don't blame yourself, it was his problem not yours. I think his "high standards" will bite him in the ass in the end. Take Care. :)

wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks for the kind words, Caroline. Until I can find someone to reciprocate what I offer, I'll just recognize that that person isn't right for me. I've said it before that unrequited love is like dying a slow emotional death. Life is way too short to be wasted on emotional vampires. And yes, Caroline: I'd bet money my ex was a Narcissist. He may have used me as an excuse to leave the marriage, but unfortunately, he also divorced his children with his aloof actions. Sad really. I'm so happy to hear others have success stories with finding someone who can appreciate all they are: it gives me hope. Thanks everyone.

a guy 4 years ago

This article helps me get by, knowing someone else out there wants the same type of relationship of uncensored love. I hope you the best. Stay positive, respectful, and kind like you always do.

wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks a guy-- just stay true to yourself, that's my golden rule. If someone doesn't like the real me, there's billions of other people in this world. Good luck to you.

Not John Smith 3 years ago

Look, do you want the harsh truth, or a comforting lie?

The harsh truth is that you ARE clingy and needy, searching for the love and reassurance that you did not get in childhood. That’s where your answer lies. Something in your childhood turned you into an insecure, needy little girl. As time went on, you simply grew into an insecure, needy adult woman.

And, I suspect it’s what is causing your relationships to fail. I told you to be aloof, but that’s almost impossible for you, because you are simply too insecure and needy. You don’t recognize this of course. You call it loving, and act as if it’s perfectly acceptable to behave that way. But, it’s debilitating in your relationships.

In your childhood, for whatever reason, you have failed to develop a normal sense of self-assurance and confidence. So, here you are now, as an adult, offering your body and your smile and whatever else it takes to just please make some man love you.

“Please, I’m begging you! Please love me. Please hold me. God, I am so scared and afraid, deep inside. I want so desperately to know that I have a man, who will never leave me. Never abandon me. Always support me. Give me all the security and reassurance that I never received as a child! That’s what I need most of all, in my life.”

You either correct this problem, or learn to live with its debilitating effects in your life. Simple as that.

If you want a comforting lie, there are plenty above. Ignore this comment and go on as you have been. That’s your choice. Either way, you know the problem now, huh?

wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 3 years ago from Southern California Author

John, I've known about that problem for quite a while, and I learned it through reading countless psychology books and relationship information to discover what was the underlying factor. I'm well aware of the changes I have to make and I'm following through so far. I'm not needy and desperate-- not by far these days. It's as if the strong, warrior single mom in me is actually a turn off to men. I think that while men pretend to not want a needy girlfriend, they are scared as heck when they're faced with a strong, independent woman. The more desperate women tend to get the men because it's reassuring for the man to think she won't reject him. Now that I know what I won't put up with, I pose a threat to guys that they need to step up to the plate or be gone. None of the men I meet in person have the guts to meet the challenge.

I do have a friend on FB that gets me and we've had private discussions about this. We both would rather not date than waste time with sub-par people. He lives too far away, but he's the type of man I would actually see myself having an equal partner. He's told me the same. I'm glad that I've made contact with him because he's set the bar for men from now on. I know there is someone out there just for me. I'm patient and happy on my own in the meantime.

Not John Smith 3 years ago

I don't need any books to know what is wrong. Somehow, as a little girl, you did not get the acceptance and approval that you needed. I'm thinking from your father. Absent. Distant, maybe. He kept you at a distance, when you longed so very much for him to hold you tight. Now, as an adult, you regress back, to those implanted feelings, and attempt to live them out with each new man that you meet.

There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with that. You are with idiots, who have no experience with women. You need a man who understands. One who can pull you close and make you feel secure and accepted. One who will finally give you the feelings that your own father never could. You can’t hide these needs, any more than you can hide the nose on your face. So, you need to find a man who will provide them for you.

So far, most of the men that you met are not interested, I guess. But, you are not that bad. You’re a needy little girl, coming from a childhood of love denied. If a man would spend the time to help you to feel more secure, he would be rewarded with a love that could well last the rest of his life. I understand what you are searching for. You will meet another man who will understand too. You are not some enigma. It’s obvious what you need in life.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

    Click to Rate This Article