I awoke every hour on the hour. I thrashed in my bed. How could I get that vision or incident out of my consciousness? I looked at the picture of Jesus on my bedroom wall. I could only see the outline of the picture, but it still gave me peace. It was three o'clock in the morning and pitch black outside. I shook in my bed re- living the memories from the night before. How could that of happened to me? Those kind of things only happen to other people. I felt scared and confused. I felt so ashamed. What did I do to cause this?
My twin sister and I were getting ready in our bathroom, putting on our makeup as Patty walked in and said, " I just found out our favorite band is playing tonight at the Marion Pub." This band was so popular at the time and any college was lucky to have them play. Night Ranger at Stout, how much fun would this be? We all giggled and talked about how the night would play out. We would Eat at the student union, and continue on to the Marion for some great live music. I could not wait to hear my favorite song called, " Sister Christian." The phone rang loudly in the living room and Linda said " Laura telephone, it's Patty." I picked up the phone and listened as Patty had our plans all laid out for the night. She said her and a group of her friends were going uptown to listen to the band.
As we all talked and listened to the great music, I remember feeling gratitude for the college experience. This was such a great time for me and life was my oyster. Here I was, at Stout University, studying psychology, working part time and loving it. A real bonus was living off campus with my twin sister and some other good friends that I knew from the dorms.
There were about eight of us in the group that night. We talked, laughed and danced to the great music. Patty's friends seemed nice enough, although I did not really get the chance to know them well. Patty and I were planning to go home after about two hours since we had a lot of studying to do. I was surprised when after a couple of hours, Patty announced she was going to her boy friends place. She told me her buddy Tom was willing to drop me off. I didn't know him well but she reassured me, that he was a really nice guy. I was shocked and told her I felt uncomfortable. He was a handsome man who stood about 6 feet 4 inches. He had the build of a football player.
I thanked him in advance for bringing me to my apartment as we walked out of the Marion. We got into his blue green Chevy and proceeded to drive home. I told him my sister was waiting for me and I had lots of studying to do. Half way to my apartment, he turned down a road that was unfamiliar to me. I said, " Tom, this is not how to get to my apartment, where are you going?" He stated that he just wanted to take me to his apartment for a drink. I thanked him politely and restated that I had to get home. He got quite loud and told me firmly, I was going to his apartment and he would have me home soon. The energy shift was palpable. It had changed dramatically. The air was filled with anger and hostility. I was very frightened. His voice was stern and demanding. I knew I had to play as If I did not think something horrible would happen. He stopped in front of his apartment and pulled my arm out of his car. I tried to act as if I were not scared, but how I wished I could call out to my sister at this time. This guy was a first class creep and I was not sure as to my game plan, but I knew I would be OK. I prayed silently asking the lord to keep me safe.
"Please sit down and I will get you something to drink. " Oh, I'm not really thirsty and I really do have to get going." Now I was really scared, because he sat right down next to me, so close that I could feel his breath on my neck. He talked to me in a mocking tone saying things like " Oh, you don't want a drink, well what do you think I brought you here for? He just kept getting louder and louder and started putting his huge hands all over me. I told him I didn't even know him. He laughed at me in a cruel condescending way. I knew this situation was trouble. I kept thinking, if only Patty did not leave me tonight, I would be OK. I knew she would feel really horrible, but I was mad. This would never have happened if she did not ditch me.
He was built like a brick shit house, so I knew I could not physically win him over with my 5'4 height and 120 pounds. I thought I would have to totally play the game and psyche him out. I was a psyche student, and knew I could come up with a plan. He now had my arms pulled back behind me on the front of his sofa couch. I will never forget the smell, it was like mildew and must.
He started talking loud again and now was using curse words. He then put all of his body weight on top of me and unzipped his pants ." No no," I said to myself, "please God don't let him touch me." I was pure and could not imagine a man like this taking something so precious away from me. No way no how. He threatened to hurt me if I did not do what he wanted. I will let you go as soon as you make me feel good he said.
A sudden calm came over me. I knew what I had to do, it was all so clear. I said, if you let go of me, I will have a drink with you. I made small talk. He seemed happy and relieved that I was going to stay. His grip loosened and His voice became calmer. I thought all was well when all of sudden he thrust-ed his large penis into my mouth making me participate in fellatio. I thought I was going to throw up, but I knew I had no choice. When he decided it was over he moved off me and made some crude remark. I wanted to run right then and there, but I knew I had to play my cards right. I told him I wanted a stiff Bacardi and Coke. He let out an eery laugh knowing I planned to stay for one drink. I giggled nervously as he walked into the kitchen. I again told him to make it a good one. I pretended to look as if I was not horrified. My body language said I was happy. I had to act as if. This I believe I did well.
I said a quick prayer of protection and darted out the door. I ran so fast, I was falling over myself. I need to get to the student union. I made it and frantically called my twin sister crying. She tried to calm me, but I screamed, hurry and come get me, I have just been sexually assaulted." He would of raped me, hurry Linda, please." I thought Linda would die. We are so close and I knew she felt so worried she would not get me in time.
I drifted into a deep depression for several months. I was not myself at all. My dad and twin sister could not stand to see me so sad.
I still think about the sexual assault I endured at college, but If my story can help one person, it is all worth it. I have worked through this in therapy. I can forgive him, but I will never forget.
Bless a thing and it will bless you. Curse it and it will curse you...If you bless a situation, it has no power to hurt you, and even if it is troublesome for a time, it will gradually fade out, if you sincerely bless it. --Emmet Fox
© Laura Rogers Arne