Coming Out Of The Closet: The Reason I Hid My Secret From The World And How Do You Come Out

black and white may be classical colors but they are also how outsiders feel in comparison to others..
black and white may be classical colors but they are also how outsiders feel in comparison to others..

Today I Choose To Share My Secret

My name is Ashley and for the past 18 years i have kept a secret from the many people i love including my parents.I am bi sexual.

Coming out of the closet is not an easy thing to do. It is very intimidating because you know that many people will judge you, some may embrace it positively and others shun you away because you are different. I am no different than the first time you met me. I am still the same girl who went to movies with you and baked mud pies when we were seven. I am still the same loving, caring daughter you brought into this world and just because I'm different, doesn't mean I've changed.

Why did i choose to confess my status? It is not for recognition or for fame. But it is to lift the weight of my shoulders which has been plaguing me for so many years. The secret gnawed at my mind for so long that i had to get it out of me before i self destructed. I am proud to be who i am. This is me and nothing you say or do will ever change me.


My parents still do not know my sexuality. I'm afraid to come out of the closet. I know that it will break them and that is why i will not tell them as yet. I have spoken to them about gay and lesbian friends and they accept it, but told me straight that they would disown me if i ever turned out that way. The thought of them finding out does terrify me immensely but I'm tired of the lies, I'm sick of the jokes. This is who i am detached from the masks that hide my emotions.

A lot of my friends know that i am bi-sexual and they respect that. Naturally, my lesbian and other bi-sexual friends are thrilled and said "i thought they was something queer about you!" My brother and his wife know and approve of it. My father does suspect something but my mother knows nothing. I don't worry about them finding out from my friends because they won't tell a soul and it's not as if my parents would read my Hubs. I mean, come on. My dad said congrats for getting the Hubnuggets nomination but that was the end of it. My mother said nothing. Oops, does that sound a bit resentful? That's how it is.

The reason for this article is that i hope other 'closet cases' as i partially am, will realize that there is always someone there for you, even if it is your friends. Feeling scared, sick, lonely, angry or even terrified is quite normal when you are faced with questions and people wanting to know why. Stand up for yourself and don't let anyone put you down. I most certainly will not let others walk over me and i have not changed, i am still CiscoPixie and someone's daughter, friend, niece, cousin and mentor.

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Comments 49 comments

creativeone59 profile image

creativeone59 6 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

Good hub for being honest, thanks for sharing. creativeone59


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

THANK YOU CREATIVEONE59 :)


Waren E profile image

Waren E 6 years ago from HAS LEFT THE BUILDING............

To be honest is always liberating,you take care now CiscoPixie ...PEACE!: )


queenbe profile image

queenbe 6 years ago from NY

This took a great deal of courage for you to admit. I admire your honesty and being true to yourself is never a bad choice. Keep writing. It is good for the mind and the soul. Always your friend.


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you Waren and Queen :) means a great deal to have positive support!


somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 6 years ago from Las Vegas

CiscoPixie, Great hub and congrats on starting the process of being your genuine you.

No one can say how anyone will really react to something (especially when they've seemingly made their position known on a topic) but know that sometimes when it's someone who is your child, your friend, your parent, somehow the idea of "disowning" or cutting someone out of your life based on something like sexuality becomes more difficult. It's no longer an abstract, it's the little girl who took your hand to cross the street and that image is sometimes enough to help parents to begin to see the whole person and not just their sexuality.

Coming out is a continual process but worth every minute of it. If you think of all the minutes you've spent worrying about it, trying to hide it, etc. you'll discover that once you're out you can use those minutes for a lot more productive things. Best of luck to you and your family and friends.


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

Thank you Scott :) that was really touching. In time, they will understand. I know that. But what matters is that i'm never alone. I have my friends and the rest of my family's support. Thank you very much for the comment. I appreciate it.


rmcrayne profile image

rmcrayne 6 years ago from San Antonio Texas

CiscoPixie my thoughts and best wishes will be with you on your journey. Have you thought of telling your father first, in your brother and sister-in-law’s presence? Then telling your mother later. It’s kinda asking your dad and brother to enter into collusion with you. But maybe it would be enough peer pressure to keep your mother from going extreme meltdown on you.

My sister came out as a lesbian years ago. My dad and I had already suspected as much and discussed it together. It was not a big deal to us. My sister had been through depressions and psychiatric hospitalizations, no small part of which was this “identity crisis”. My mother still struggles with it, in my view due to a misguided sense of religion and morality. She never “disowned” my sister, just is “worried about her soul” and what people at church will think. It’s no wonder I have a very jaded view of religion. That’s my “closet”. I can’t tell my mom how I feel about religion. That would probably be an even bigger taboo to her. I don’t want her staying awake at night praying for the souls of both of her children.


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

Thank you rmcrayne. I have thought about it but because we are in different countries, it's not really possible. My father does suspect it and he said as long as i'm happy so i think he may accept it. I really feel for you when it comes to religion. But people should understand that everyone is unique and we all like different things. good luck to you!


lyricsingray 6 years ago

Cisco,you have probably helped more people than you even know, I only pray it's helped you more. Thank you for sharing your gift with us, Kimberly


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

Thank you Kim :) I hope so too. It's a long road but i walk with friends so i'm never alone. Ash.


stars439 profile image

stars439 6 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Love is simply a wonderful and beautiful thing.God Bless You Dear Heart.


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you stars :) Love sure is..


The Rope profile image

The Rope 6 years ago from SE US

Good Luck, my friend. It's a tough journey but you'll be fine in the long run. Your friends, including those of us on HP, are supporting you...


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you rope :) means a lot..


blaise25 profile image

blaise25 6 years ago from close to you...

that's a tough one..

gay, bi, whatever label it is, there is surely only one Pixie with a precious heart :)


Cheeky Girl profile image

Cheeky Girl 6 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

Hy Cisco Pixie,

I am glad that you have found the strength and honesty to tell the world. Sometimes we tip toes through life not wanting to wake or worry others about what is trivial or important. I lost a few friends when I told them about my being bi, but then I gained new friends too. Some day this kind of thing will be so routine, it won't even be a point of conversation. The World has SO moved on. You are a fantastic person. Anyone reading your hubs already knows that. You inspire others. I wish you joy and happiness in your life. God Bless you. CG.


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you cheeky :) i have lost friends and made new ones as well. Life is too short to have worries or regrets.


Cleanclover profile image

Cleanclover 6 years ago from Piece of land!

Many people i know both male and female who are gay. Congratulations for sharing. You have courage. It's very common to be gay in today's world Ashley, may you find a fruitful partner and a happy, content life.

God bless


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you clover :) it does take courage, but it also wastes a lot of time when you stress about coming out that now i couldn't be bothered who finds out. I am what i am, nothing more or less.


tnderhrt23 profile image

tnderhrt23 6 years ago

As one who has endured the dreaded rejection and judgement from a parent because of the "gay" issue, I applaud your bravery. I also have a child who is gay, and as a result of experiencing the devestation of parental condemnation, assured my son that I loved him regardless of his sexual orientation, and nothing could change that. Hold your head up, Pixie, and know that you are precious, just as you are!


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

I have yet to endure it but i feel no shame. I've hidden too long and tried to hard to cover tracks. I admire you for dealing with the issues positively.. many i know couldnt deal with it.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, just to say you are what you are, it is genetics. And your parents should see it that way. If they don't, then just let little hints creep into the conversation over a few months, until, without knowing it, they will realise that they knew all along!! crafty eh? cheers Nell


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

Well, over the years i've dropped many hints and it appears to fall on deaf ears. So they will find out one day either when i'm ready to tell them, or on their own. Some days i feel like walking up to them and saying hey did you know i'm a bisexual? then i laugh at my thoughts and carry on with life.


janiek13 profile image

janiek13 6 years ago from Florida's Space Coast

There will always be those who judge you without knowing you, it is unfortunate when it is your loved ones. My parents will probably never accept it, but I have come to realize that I can't change them anymore than they can change me. Kudos for your courage, and you will be loved for who you are.


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

People judge before they know who we are. You're right though, they may never accept it but it's pointless spending time making them understand. They will deal with it on their own. Thank you janie. Kudos to you for being proud of who you are.


Cheeky Girl profile image

Cheeky Girl 6 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

Happy Christmas, Ciscopixie! I hope the future brings you all the things you want in life!


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you cheeky! and to you too my friend :)


james10 profile image

james10 6 years ago

i am sorta like you except for a few parts..

yes im sure my parents would be devastated that there little boy is BI-sexual

but im afraid to tell anyone execpt 2 people.. and i trust them..

the weight is big and the secret is gnawing at my mind to but i cant help it...

when i get enough courage i will tell my friends.. but ill keep my secret from parents till i know they are alright with it...

all my life ive been teased because my middle name was Gaelan and they said you must be gay..

all my friends teased me about it... most arnt my friends and would just attack me with my own truth..

so i dont know how to tell anyone...

im sorry f this is little rambling but thank you for reading to the end of my comment


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

I know how you feel James, but don't worry so much about it. The more time you spend worrying whether or not someone will find out, the more time you waste as you haven't lived life the way you wanted to. Real friends tease but know where to draw the line. Just keep it to yourself and have fun in life :) thank you for commenting


james10 profile image

james10 6 years ago

i will keep that in mind through out highschool


lgbt11 profile image

lgbt11 6 years ago from Newport News, Virginia

Good writing hun. Coming out is a long process that is different for everyone. You have taken two of the three steps in coming out. You admitted it to yourself, and your friends. Family is the last and hardest people to tell. I have been out with myself and my friends for 7 years now, and my parents are still in denial.. and I don't mention it to them. They found out about me being a lesbian, but convinced themself it is a phase. My mom still talks about me wanting children and how that has to happen with a man. No one can change you except yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay, straight or anywhere imbetween. Be strong and be yourself. Be the best person you can be, and it will be that much harder for your parents to shun you when you are a great person in every possible area of your life. Take care :)


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you lgbt11 :) Family is the hardest to tell. Some of the family know but my parents either know it and reject it or dont know it. Thank you for commenting!


james10 profile image

james10 6 years ago

lgb11 thank you too, im figuring myself out for the first time and any help with "figuring" myself helps.. thank you ;D


Char-Ann profile image

Char-Ann 6 years ago from New Zealand

Hope that you know I'm always your friend too though I might not be bi or gay. I have had a time in my life where I suspected it,but I realised that that's not who I am not too long ago. I do not have a problem with gay or bi people, and I will be there for you if you need me when your parents find out. (If they do). I will miss you this year my friend and I hope you pursue your life with a happy heart and strive for the best in life, and make the most out of everything that you have and that is yet to come.

CharAnn


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

Thank you char-ann. kind regards and wishes.


TattoGuy 6 years ago

Awwww Ashley I hated where you called yerself a closet case, I hate those two words. To be honest I don't care what your sexual preferences are or what colour you are but I do care now how you are keeping and now I have learnt out a bit about you I shall be following yer hubs a bit more.

Now see what I have learnt about one of my fans by picking you out tonight. Always be yerself, always respect yerself and if someone has a problem with who you are then they are not worthy of yer friendship or time, you take a hug my lil pixie friend !!

PS - Awesome Hub !


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you tattoguy. That means a lot to me. And thank you for the advice. :)


RedElf profile image

RedElf 6 years ago from Canada

Good for you, Pixie! It will take a while for others to get used to the "new" you but eventually they will realize it is still you and that you haven't really changed. Hang in there!

Great hub!


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

You're a kind person and that's what matters most. I have no idea what to say about sexuality- perhaps I personally put too much emphasis on something that was so strong. I'm 60 years old and I'm still not permitted to have sex. You're a good kid. You be careful out here. It's a world of carnivores!


hillary  6 years ago

I have to thank you for this hub because I too am a bi-sexual. I'm only 17 and I have only recently come to terms with myself and my sexuality. I know if my parents, or any of my family, found out that I like women as I do men I would never be welcomed in my home.

I want to tell them so bad because I feel like i'm shaming myself by keeping it a secret, but what you said about always having someone there makes me feel a little better about it. Right now I feel very alone and confused at times. But I appreciate what you stand for, and I thank you again for this hub


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

Hillary,all that matters is that you're comfortable in your own skin. That is what makes the hurtful comments and things seem childish because you know who you are and you know what you want. As long as you have friends who are loyal and are willing to walk this journey with you, it makes it easier.

Good luck and be strong


onekey profile image

onekey 6 years ago from jeddah; saudi arabia

So, honest!!! :)

Thank you .....


Cheeky Girl profile image

Cheeky Girl 6 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

Thought I'd pop back just to rate this with the new buttons and facebook "like" too. Cheers!


CiscoPixie profile image

CiscoPixie 6 years ago from I'm in a world of my own, but aren't we all? Author

thank you so much cheeky :)


edelhaus profile image

edelhaus 5 years ago from Munich, Germany

CiscoPixie, you're only 18 and it's hard for your parents to accept you as an adult capable of living your own life but they'll come around eventually. And if they don't, well - you'll have to decide then what you want to do, but never let anyone hold your true self ransom with your love.

I loved your line about "just because you're different, doesn't mean you've changed". You ought to take a look at www.itgetsbetterproject.com initiated by Dan Savage.

It sounds like you know yourself and that's a real accomplishment at your age. Stay strong and remember that you can't change your parents just like they can't change you. They may think that threatening to disown you will "scare you straight", but if it really came down to it, I don't think there are many parents who would actually go through with it.

And one more thought, as a parent myself, I can tell you I've known my son's sexual orientation since he was about 2, as any observant parent would. I'd be willing to bet your parents already have some ideas about who you are as well, and they're still there for you...

Anyway, I wish you luck.


thebishop profile image

thebishop 5 years ago

Great hub. When I came out I felt I was 23 and out of my mom's house so I think it was a bit easier to tell her without fear of being disowned but when I was your age I had the same fear. I think as you get older and more comfortable in your own skin coming out or not won't be as much of an issue- if it happens it happens. I think its great that you've posted this hub because so many people are experiencing the same thing and need to hear that they are not alone.


katydidnt profile image

katydidnt 5 years ago from New Brunswick, Canada

I think these are the fears we all face to some degree. Some have more to worry about than others, but it's scary for all of us. Good for you, for having the courage to start.


SEXYLADYDEE profile image

SEXYLADYDEE 4 years ago from Upstate NY

You should be about 20 now, has anything changed? Is it better for you? Have more people that you love, who love you, embraced you just the way you are? I often wonder why for some it's so important to "come out". If I was living a secret life as a lesbian then maybe I would understand better. But as a bi-sexual woman I think that your sexuality is a personal matter. I don't ask or care about a couples orientations. But if it's important to you to be able to freely discuss your sexuality and have it be accepted then I hope as time has gone by life has gotten better for you. I wouldn't want to live my life hiding from the people I love and I don't think anyone else should have to either. I don't agree with the "rhetoric" coming out of my church. Christ was about love, acceptance and understanding. All of the words used to hurt & define people are in the old testament. And they say we pick and choose. So do they but they do soooo much damage. Good luck, good life! Dee

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