The Baby Mama Is Still A Mother

(For more details on the origin of these terms, see Where Do "Baby Daddies" Come From? by Julia Turner.)

Before you take offense at the usage of a grammatically incorrect term, know that “baby mama” can be found in the Oxford English Dictionary (OED). In 1966, "baby mother" first appeared in the Jamaican newspaper. Hip-hop lyrics used “baby mother,” “baby mama” and “baby daddy” extensively during the late 1990s, and by the year 2000 everyone had heard or read these terms.

Photo Credit:  epSos.de.
Photo Credit: epSos.de. | Source

According to the OED the baby mama is "the mother of a man's child, who is not his wife or (in most cases) his current or exclusive partner."

The baby mama broke the rules: either by having a baby for a man with whom there was no real relationship, or by forfeiting the relationship after she had the child. Still, she is a “mother.” With good counsel and willingness she can get back on track for her own good and the good of the baby. She also deserves some consideration for her worth from:

  • The baby daddy
  • The baby daddy’s wife
  • Male friends
  • Other women
  • Herself


The baby daddy

The baby daddy profile varies. Consistent though, is the fact that there is no marriage, no hope of marriage, no friendly interaction with the child's mother. He may fit one or more of the following descriptions, which are by no means all inclusive:

  • Selfishly sowing his wild oats without any sense of fatherhood responsibility
  • Insecure in his marriage and desires to prove that he is still wanted
  • Claiming the dual capacity to love more than one woman
  • Habitual one-night stander, for the thrill of adding to his list of conquests
  • Sucker for the tears of a lonely woman

Whatever the situation by which a man becomes a father, the child’s interest belongs on his list of priorities. Immediately, he has to think of how best to make a happy, healthy life for the child. Pretending that the child and mother do not exist; refusing financial support; saying degrading things about the mother—none of these things promotes his stature as a man.

Respect for the child's mother translates into respect for himself and initiates the portrait of a man that his child could respect. Meanwhile, the woman would be wise to see herself not as his baby mama, but as a woman capable of moving beyond that.

Photo Credit:  Lies Thru A Lens.
Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens. | Source

The baby daddy's wife

Whether the man fathered the child before or during his marriage, his wife has to deal with the fact that the child is a part of her husband’s world. It is his job to regain her trust; there is no need for discussion with the other woman.

Here is an example of a smart wife. The woman’s husband had a fling with a woman who became pregnant. The man stopped seeing her immediately, but of course, the wife found out. The wife wanted her marriage anyway, so she took control and called the other woman to find out what she needed for the baby. The baby mama was never privy to any disruption that she caused in the marriage.

Some wives are not that wise, as in the following example. Years after the baby was born, the husband and the baby mama hated each other; but when their child took ill, she called to inform him. His wife insisted on being at the child's bedside with him even if it meant that the child’s mother had to leave the room. There is no way that a mother would leave the bedside of her sick child.

The child’s mother has the right to make reasonable requests and the wife must know when to show consideration. No one can make an ideal situation out of one which is not ideal.

Male friends

Even when a woman is rejected by a man, she still has the right to be respected by other men. Having a baby does not make her a marked-down item. A man who is interested focuses on her beauty instead of her scars, and recognizes her value.

If the fact that she has a baby prevents him from seeing her potential, he should walk on. Leave her for the man who wants the task of helping her rebuild and restore her self-worth. Actually, the woman determines how she wants to treated.

There are many baby mamas who, after their restoration, show no sign of their initial predicament. They improve their relationship skills and choose not to repeat their baby mama performance.

Photo Credit:  Arian Zwegers.
Photo Credit: Arian Zwegers. | Source

Other women

None of the little girls in this picture or any other is born with the desire to become a baby mama. If she makes that decision, it is because she is misguided. If she is seduced, it is because she is naïve. If she thinks that is the right thing to do, it is because she does not realize what is best for her.

The first women available to empower her are her mother and other immediate family members. Their training is never complete. Without trampling on her individuality, they can keep on influencing her with affirmations of her strengths and teaching life lessons from their own experiences.

Female bonding is empowering, and the baby mama needs to be included in the circle. She needs friends to assist her; advise her; affirm her, applaud her and make her accountable. No force is greater for the redemption of one woman, than a supportive circle of other women.


Would you refer to a single mother as a "baby mama" if the definition fits her?

  • Probably
  • Never
See results without voting

Herself

In 2013, Dom Giordano reported on Philly.com about one woman who was receiving $15,000 a month in child support from a NFL quarterback, and then had a second child by an NBA player. She was not in a relationship with either man.

She may not have been intentional about having the babies, but she added to the statistics of the 28% of American women who have babies with at least two different men. She increased the number of children growing up without fathers, or having to adjust to the complications of step parents.

Financial support is only one of the children’s needs, and some baby mamas do not even get that. The familial and moral structure of the home is also important in their development.

There are several factors the baby mama has to think about with regard to her role of motherhood:

  • Whether the life she chooses accommodates her fullest potential as a woman, and as a mother
  • Whether her child’s interest is in the right spot on her list of priorities
  • How she will continue to interact with men
  • What her children will learn from such interaction
  • How effectively she can teach them respect for her and respect for their fathers

Finally, honest communication between mother and child is important at every age. Children know when the mother is putting forth her best effort; and she can influence them positively regardless of the past. She can create a loving, trusting family if she is intentional.

© 2014 Dora Isaac Weithers

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32 comments

Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 2 years ago from southern USA

Interesting subject MsDora, as always. Funny thing is my daughter and I just yesterday were talking about using that phrase, "Baby Mama" as she used it to describe her new boyfriend's ex. I, of course, just had to go and say that she should not call her that, but maybe his ex or something along those lines. Well, you have made interesting points here to consider by all.

Up and more and sharing

Have a blessed day,

Faith Reaper


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thank you, Faith. I have never referred to anyone by that term, but it is being accepted into the language and sometimes means nothing more than a single mom.


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 2 years ago from The Beautiful South

There are many out there so there is nothing but to accept that they are the baby's mama. The world has changed and your writing shows for whatever reason; an acceptable side of it. We must go with the flow as they say Dora, no? lol ^+


Ericdierker profile image

Ericdierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

Intellectually stimulating and culturally enlightening. I reckon being born and illegitimate bastard gives me some understanding. But all that is kind of fogged over by love.

I just really liked the straight forward matter of dealing that you suggest. I suppose my adoptive mom did much the same and just got it done.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Jackie, we accept it so we can make the best of it. To ignore it would be to distance ourselves from the women who need our help. Thank you for your input.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Eric, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Happy your adoptive mom was also wise.


Verily Prime profile image

Verily Prime 2 years ago from New York

As usual... great insights... with the added humor that come inherently from life....


billybuc profile image

billybuc 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

I have never heard those terms. Very interesting Dora. Thanks for the education.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 2 years ago from Mechanicsburg, PA

An important subject, MsDora. It would be by far the best thing if young women and men could be so taught and mentored that they avoid becoming baby-mamas and -daddies in the first place. But, as you point out, once they are in that status, they need direction on how to not get stuck there. You remind us that we must not give up on them for their mistakes, but offer our love and support and wisdom to help them make the course corrections they need.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Verily Prime, thank you for your comment. It surely helps to find humor in every episode.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Bill, that's great that you have not had to deal with any such incidents, or at least, with the use of these terms. Thanks for your comment.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks, Ron. Your comment is encouraging; you understand my purpose for the article.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

Since I've heard the term but never knew exactly what it meant, your hub taught me what it means when I hear someone say it. Unless I misread something, to me "baby mama" seems more like a derogatory name and I would never use it.


word55 profile image

word55 2 years ago from Chicago

Hi MsDora, This was a very important subject for you to write about. There is also the phrase "Baby mama drama" but that is another subject about a threesome or more situation. Anyway, it's getting to the point that two people need to consider more than just their feelings when having sexual desires. There are too many single mothers and not enough father involvement in a child's life. A child needs the love of both parents to the mother and a father figure. I know that I'm venturing off your point but it's just not fair for a mother to raise a child alone. Thank you for raising this issue.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Sheila, I appreciate your comment. I have never called anyone by that name (except in my article), but whether or not the title is derogatory, the women who bear the label may need help to move out and move on from the stigma. This is one for the women who break the rules.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Word, thanks for your input. You are right on the point. Your advice is totally sound. If the baby mamas took the counsel in this article, there wouldn't be the baby mama dramas. It's all about self-respect and self-improvement.


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 2 years ago from Shelton

It is to me a direct insult calling a single mother, a baby mama. She nurtures, cares for and protects... guardian of her child's future... but that's my opinion, nonetheless MsDora, a great write up as always


grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 2 years ago from Philippines

At first, I thought your article would be about old women who are ill and need help, like my mother who in her last days couldn't move very well and was, in effect, a baby all over again in terms of her physical helplessness. I would love to read an artice by you on that subject.

Regarding this article, it was surprisingly pleasant to read even if it was a different topic from what I expected. Baby mamas or single parents really need support and guidance from their parents and siblings. At least, that's how it should be in the Philippines. In that way, the child can grow up beautifully. My sister was a baby mama, and her daughter has grown up beautifully, helps troubled children and married a wonderful man. In the absence of a husband, a loving family as support system can more than compensate, I believe. Thank you for this thought provoking and insightful article.


DDE profile image

DDE 2 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Counsel and Consideration for the Baby Mama is something new to me and now I know more from your informative hub.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Frank, I would not call any woman by that name either. I agree with you about all that she does as a mother. My article intends to redeem her to that status and to solicit our cooperation. I appreciate your input.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Grand Old Lady, sorry that my title misled you; I hope that I can write an article like the one you suggested. I have a heart for that too.

Yes, baby mamas grow up to be responsible, productive women. My article aims to present that outlook.

Thank you very much for your helpful comment.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

DDE, thanks for your comment. Always something new to learn. Our language is growing to include all kinds of labels.


lovedoctor926 2 years ago

Useful information.I've heard guys refer to their woman as my Baby Mama. You raise good points.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks, LoveDoctor. According to the definition, if the two people are in a relationship, the man is not correct in referring to the woman as his baby mama. She may just be single and unmarried; but the baby mama is usually tossed aside, sometimes even before the baby is born.


lifegate profile image

lifegate 2 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

Hi MsDora,

Interesting read! And you made some very good points on protecting damaged relationships.Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it, as well as being educated.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

Wonderful hub MsDora. I had never heard any of those terms before, and am not offended by them, but don't know if I'd ever use them. My wife was a single mother at 17 years of age, and the father wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. She was actually approached by 'the father's' father to accept money and keep it quiet that his son was the father. She declined and cared for the baby on her own, until I met her and accepted the baby as my own. That baby was Daniel, who I wrote the poem 'Danny Boy' about in my hub 'A Poem For Little Boys.' Voted up.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Lifegate, thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate you.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Jodah, I admire you for upholding the principles of true manhood. I also admire your wife for demonstrating that she cannot bought or sold. I feel your love for him in your poem. Blessings on your family!


FlourishAnyway profile image

FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

You are schooling us in so much, Dora! Interesting hub; the world is changing so much. Ultimately everyone involved needs to support the child emotionally, financially, educationally, etc.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Flourish, your summary is right on. It is the child who must become our priority. Thank you for your participation.


ziyena profile image

ziyena 2 years ago from Southern Colorado

I was watching the news the other day and there was a panel discussion on the use of the phrase "Baby Mama" ... I agree with some, the term is entirely offensive to me. So what happens when the child grows up and he understands that he is a product of a "Baby Mama"? This is not good. Thanks Dora for your eagle-eye insight. Voting interesting and UP


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Ziyena, you raise a good point. The mother will have to be on the front line among those who will instill self-worth in the child. However, it is also possible that the father, though not friendly with the mother, can help. Thank you very much for commenting.

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