DIVORCE: The Upside

Life is what you make it!

I struggled with whether to write this hub or not. Without a doubt there will be some readers who will mistake what I am about to say as being a promotion to end marriages. I believe “life is a personal journey” and each us is entitled to create our own “deal breakers”.

Deal Breakers

For every “deal breaker” you may have: cheating, lack of financial discipline, alcohol/drug addition, physical/mental abuse, lack of sex, or constant arguing…etc There is someone out there who is willing to endure those same circumstances until death do them part. Each of us selects our own friends, lovers, and spouse. It’s your life and you are entitled to have your own “deal breakers”.

There are those who would tell you they don’t believe in divorce.

They also espouse the belief that every marriage can be “fixed” if a couple is willing to put in the work, communicate, and seek “couples counseling” to address difficult issues.

In a previous hub I wrote “Couples Therapy: Why it fails” I shed some light as to why it does not (always) result in a saved marriage.

With regard to “work” I personally define it as doing one activity when you’d rather be doing something else. Now “a labor of love” is a completely different state of mind. The difference is you are doing something because you want to or you treasure the end result.

It’s almost a cliché to hear, “People change when they want to change”. A happy marriage is usually the result of two people coming together who want the same things and are in agreement as to how to obtain them.

Attempts to change, persuade, or give ultimatums to someone in order to get what we want often leads to disappointment and frustration on our part as well as resistance and resentment on the part of our mates. You are better off being with someone who “already is” what you want in a spouse. The key is to “know you” before merging your life with another. I discussed this in “5 Reasons Why Men Should Not Get Married

Over the years I have come to realize (problem relationships) are not about accessing “right” or “wrong” but rather “agree” or disagree”. In the long run each of us is looking for someone who “agrees” with us concerning the major things in life.

When one comes to the realization she/he must change who they are on the deepest level in order to remain in a marriage or relationship it’s only natural to question whether or not the “right” spouse or life partner was “chosen”.

Ultimately we are all looking for someone who will love and accept us as we are. Ideally this means we also love and accept them for who they are as well.

Divorce & Second Chances

If we strip away the emotional pain and oftentimes-financial turmoil from the process a divorce is nothing more than acknowledging a mistake has been made. One or both people have determined they need to change course in order to live a happier and more fulfilling life.

The purpose of such things as divorce, bankruptcy, and amendments is to offer us an opportunity to have (a second chance) or make a modification. Even with our legal system we allow the majority of people who have committed crimes to get out of jail at some point in their lives.

Making mistakes from time to time is part of being human. Forcing someone to be stuck for the rest of their life because of a decision they made at age 19, 21, or whenever is to limit that person’s ability to learn, evolve, and grow as an individual.

No one gets married (planning to get divorced) but it’s good to know the law allows us the option to get out if we discover we’ve made a big mistake in our selection of a mate.

If there were no such thing as divorces I imagine there would be fewer people taking a chance on marriage.

With every ending is a new beginning. It’s like breathing fresh air!

It’s not uncommon for people to “find themselves” or rediscover passion concerning things/hobbies and friendships they abandoned or sacrificed in order to fit into a marriage that discouraged them from being their “authentic self”.

Staying married for the wrong reasons is just as bad as getting married for the wrong reasons. Neither marriage nor divorce should be taken lightly.

This is your life. Don’t let fear of the unknown or the opinions of others determine which road to take in your personal journey. Whatever you decide there will be days of sunshine and days of rain. Only you can decide if a grave mistake has been made or a simple adjustment is needed. Use everything you learn to become the best you possible.

You are responsible for your own happiness.

Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself!

More by this Author


Comments 20 comments

reeltaulk 5 years ago

I Agree with some of the things you have said here. One of the things I could never understand even as a young adult is why do couples go to marriage counselors to begin with. I mean, the marriage counselor isn't responsible for initially bringing you together, neither do they reside in the same household, so how can they help you solve whatever problems. As far as they are concerned you are a number with more than likely the same problem as the number before you. Why not save your money and step up to the plate and be responsible adults and deal with whatever issues are on the table. If they cannot be solved or reconciled you need go your separate ways. You and your spouse will have to deal with the outcome not the counselor.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

reeltaulk, Thanks for stopping by to read my hub and taking the time to post your comment. You are correct no counselor knows what "really" goes on in a household. However for that matter none of us knows what our mate is (really thinking or feeling). "Communication" is not an "Ask and it shall be given" proposition. Therefore I think in the long run we're better off being with the type of person who "naturally" does or wants to do the same things we enjoy. I believe "selecting the wrong mate" is the number #1 cause for divorce. It takes more time to get know someone than most people are willing to invest before saying, "I do". :-)


GracieLake profile image

GracieLake 5 years ago from Arizona

Sometimes divorce is the only thing to bring about a positive change. I had to 'till up' my own family life so we could build a better, stronger one. Difficult but worth it.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

GracieLake, Thanks for your comment and sharing your personal experience! Your statement of "Difficult but worth it" says it all. Peace of mind & happiness rarely come easy or freely. Knowing yourself and having the discipline to stick with one's own "personal shopping list" are keys to making the right choices for ourself.


ginslayer 5 years ago from Alanta, G.A.

Divorce is never the answer except for in the most extreme instances. The disaster that is caused in order to find some peace in your own life usually only fulfills the needs of the one individual. Everything can be fixed in a marriage infidelity, finances, sex, and a host of other problems. But I agree with you both parties must want to fix the problem.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

ginslayer, Thanks for your comment. I think it's important to acknowledge the fact that each of us is entitled to have our own "deal breakers". Some people believe divorce is Not an option unless one's life is at risk. Another may believe infidelity is a good enough reason to divorce. I think it's human nature for us to feel (Our Opinion) is the "one" everyone should abide by. It took me quite awhile to accept the only person I have control over is ME. :-) And the smartest thing one can do is find someone who (wants the same things as you do) and "naturally agrees" with you as to how to obtain happiness. Sharing the same value system is key. Selecting the "right mate" for (ourselves) is the best way to prevent divorce. There is no "right" or "wrong" per se just "agree" and "disagree".

What may be "wrong" for you may be "right" for someone else. Life is much better with someone who "naturally" agrees with you.


Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 3 years ago from United States

Great read, dashingscorpio.

After a few years of marriage, man longs for companionship and with divorce, that suffers.

So, my 2 cents is to gulp down the negative aspects in a relationship and patch up 'cause as humans age we need someone to confide in 'cause we are social animals.

However, if a relationship is ugly and abusive then a man has to escape it.

Voted up!!


TycoonSam profile image

TycoonSam 3 years ago from Washington, MI

Excellent points, and eye opening. Thanks for sharing.

Voted up and useful


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

Ruchira, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment. The beautiful thing about our planet is we have 7 billion+ people on it. Odds are in our favor there are people who will (naturally agree) with us and share our same values as well as love an appreciate us. We always have options if we believe in ourselves and have the courage to pursue our ideal relationship.

There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships; we either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Thanks again for your comment!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

TycoonSam, Thanks for your comment. I appreciate the vote up and useful!


lindsay123 profile image

lindsay123 3 years ago from Philippines

hello there dashingscorpio, thanks for giving me the chance to read this hub, now i do have an idea on why divorce might also be a good option for couples especially when everything is not falling on its right place.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

lindsay123, Thanks for stopping by and posting a comment!

"Life is a personal journey." :-)


ItsJustBusiness profile image

ItsJustBusiness 3 years ago

Divorce is not a decision that can be made in haste. I believe that some go to counseling because it is a social norm that has been created. The first thing out of folks mouth when they inquire about a divorcee is did you go to counseling? Counseling works for some, yet both have to be open to the session and the conflict resolution. One party can't make or break a marriage. It definetly takes 2 people, which is why it is a matrimonial UNION. Marriage requires work aka COMMITTMENT. I believe that some get lax in the union and take their partners for granted. As a couple it is important to recognize this before the marriage is irretrievably broken.

I believe the key to a happy life is finding that person who has the same qualities and wants the same things out of life as you do. Although divorce can be very ugly it can also have within it a silver lining. It is a death and with death you will always hold the memories but LIFE must go on. New memories will be made and you have to keep driving forward, keep your eyes on the road in front of you and instead of looking into the rearview, you must just glance!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

ItdJustBusiness, Thanks so much for stopping by and posting your comment. Divorce is never easy but it's important not to buy into the mindset that "the world has come to an end". I agree with most of what you had to say with the exception of " One party can't make or break a marriage". Everyone is entitled to have "deal breakers" and if one's mate for instance commits one of them whether it be physical abuse, cheating, conceiving a child with or by someone else, or a whole host of other things then their actions could have divorce consequences.

I think counseling works best for couples that are still "in love" with one another and just need a mediator to help them navigate through a rough patch. Unfortunately most people wait until one person has pretty much decided they want out of the marriage.

In all honesty I believe the #1 cause for divorce is (choosing) the "wrong mate"! Much like you stated you have to choose someone who shares your same values and wants the same things. It's also important to (naturally agree) on a strategy for obtaining those things. :-)


Anita Saran profile image

Anita Saran 2 years ago from Bangalore, India

Great hub and well written. I would recommend divorce uif the relationship is abusive and especially when a young child is involved. Life is hell for him too.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

Anita Saran, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment.

Contrary to what a lot of people who are against divorce under any circumstances it really is NOT "the easy way out".

However it is also unhealthy to live in and raise children in a (toxic) environment. Ideally it is best to be in a position to handle financial changes as well as have people who love them and provide emotional support as they embark on the next chapter of their life.

It takes courage to admit a mistake in public and start anew.


Jay Jhonson profile image

Jay Jhonson 2 years ago

Awww dashing I really enjoyed reading this! It's the 1st time I've read one of your hubs. I'll definitely be indulging a little more on your wisdom. ^_^

Jay


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

Jay, Thanks so much for reading my hub and posting your comment. I appreciate the feedback.


The Sun Lady profile image

The Sun Lady 18 months ago from Planet Earth

Thank you for sharing this with me, it's a wonderful read especially in its honesty. You captured the divorce experience well, the sadness and stress that's undeniably endured, but also the beautiful life you still have and can rebuild in any way you choose.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 18 months ago Author

The Sun Lady, Thanks for taking the time to read and post a comment to my hub. It's important to learn to ride the waves and not become overwhelmed.

I can't tell you how often I've found myself in a good place and looked back realizing; "If blah blah had not happened I would not have done this which led me to that and .....so on." Ultimately in the end everything works out for the best once we navigate ourselves through the storm. :)

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working