Dad, I miss you.

The loss of a Father

Today, May 9, 2008 makes 5 years since you passed away so unexpectedly, just 5 days after your 58th birthday. All of us reeled from it; not only the pain of losing you dad, but the shock of losing you at such a young age. There never was an indication there were problems with your heart.

We knew you loved ice-cream, peanut butter and a peculiar food combination or two that only a pregnant woman might appreciate. Yeah, you 'd put on some weight the last year or two - having thickened around the middle some - but by no means would anyone have described you as obese. Who doesn't gain weight now and then and how many of us live long lives being somewhat overweight? Your long legs were still slim and you didn't have a beer or potbelly. My first thought upon receiving the news was, "it can't be - it's a mistake..."

I've never in my 40 years experienced anything so difficult. Dad, I know you said you didn't want people to be sad when your time came yet we can't tell other people how to feel. How I miss your warmth, the regular contact even though geographically we've been miles apart since the middle of my junior year in high school. Sometimes I still find myself fighting the tears. If it's any consolation, although I did grieve, it didn't take long for me to experience some peace - which increased w/ each passing day - for the Comforter came to guide and carry me through.

My mom left you when I was six and Cindy was three....later when I was old enough to comprehend, she said you told her she could have the house, cars, anything - but not my sister and I. Even though she agreed we should remain with you, your heart was still broken.

Yes, you loved your family, your neighbors, your coworkers, desiring to be a friend to all. You were a gatherer of people and loved to show hospitality and I've inherited that gift from you. You were pretty open, genuine and sincere. You were mostly humble and didn't hesitate to approach others to seek or offer help, to ask an opinion, offer a compliment and some were complete strangers. What an exemplary example of someone who - even though you were not raised w/ any spirituality or specific faith - you lived out on many occasions, what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. I'll always treasure the memory from Arianne's wedding (how we all wish you could have been there!) and Johnny, someone I'd never met before, recognized me as your daughter. He came up to me and shared an experience he had w/ you. Apparently a group of you guys were out golfing one day when one of them had a seizure or something and Johnny knew how to respond. You were not the least bit self conscious of expressing your affection for another man when you tearfully embraced Johnny w/ a great-big-bear hug and the words, 'thank you for helping my friend.'

You were funny, in a goofy sort of way, and what most might describe as an unpredictable personality if they didn't know you well. At times you attempted to shock people, which is something I also inherited from you (although now that I'm not so wild, not as characteristic of me anymore!). I know you wanted to be cool but I never really thought of you that way, no disrespect intended. You and my mom grew up together and i know you spent a lot of time at Grandma and Grandpa W.'s home. Rumor has it, you used to get on the roof of their rambler off of Sepulveda in Torrance Calif., wearing one of Grandma's bra's, and cannon ball into the pool! Or how about the time Noel and I were playing and things started to turn ugly....I decided I'd better run for home. She chased after me and was gaining when I reached our driveway, I turned to face her. Our arms and hands (fists?) flailed at one another. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw you standing there by the garage...I noticed you leaned up against it w/ ankles crossed and arms folded across your chest, rather than trying to intervene. Finally, crying, Noel turned and ran for home. I turned and faced you and thought I was in trouble and I started to cry and you said, "oh stop, you're not hurt!" and I realized you meant what you said about how I'd not get in trouble if I defended myself as a result of someone else starting something. Or how about when after having Jennifer (the fourth and last of all us girls) you and (step) mom Diane decided a vasectomy was a good idea. You guys had Uncle Craig (your brother and best friend) and Auntie Dotty over for dinner and you were discussing the experience and the procedure and asked them if they wanted to see your scar ( and I don't think you would have asked JUST anybody) so you revealed your privates and Auntie said, "that's it?" and everyone laughed hysterically because it could have been construed as her referring to the size of your manhood!....I loved how after I became a woman you shared your position on the subject and said all men should have the procedure rather than a woman undergo having her tubes tied.

I know working at GTEDS, you constantly had to use your mind . When you were off, it seemed you loved to work w/ you hands. I so admired what you accomplished around our home. You put your heart, soul, sweat and blood into creating a haven for beauty (including that barn!!!) or remove that which interfered.

Thank you for doing everything in your power to make a little girls dream of having her own horse a reality. I mostly credit you dad for teaching me the value of hard work, honesty and responsibility.

Thank you for taking me fishing, camping and playing sports with me (even though I suffered a black eye when we were playing pickle and I caught the ball w/ my face! Cindy was running the bases...I'll never forget that!). I guess I was a tom boy but you helped shape me into one who appreciates adventure and the great outdoors.

Thank you for telling me you are proud of me.

Thank you for allowing me to see you cry.

Thank you for embracing my husband as part of the family and even though you said you were too young to be a Grandpa, you were crazy about our boys. I hope to keep your memory alive - I'm praising God for photography too!

Thank you for instilling in me to value family and friendships....in regards to family, things haven't been the same since you've been gone.....you were like glue, keeping us connected and close. I've grown closer to the Uncles and Auntie's however and I'm blessed by that.

Thank you for wanting to know me even after I became a Christian, even though there was so much you didn't understand....thank you for not hesitating to "want to" and for asking questions, not only of me but other Christians you knew or encountered.

Thank you for seeking HIM...and for wanting me to see how thrilled you were about the new testament you'd received from Cindy, the Christian lady who waitress-ed at the coffee shop. I hope you had a chance to get through most of it since you breathed your last shortly thereafter.... Even though you never went to church you shared what you believed w/ me. Thank you. I've never questioned your love for me, most of my life understanding it went deep. Even when I made choices that hurt you, those you didn't agree with or approve of, your love remained constant. You bore the image of God in this way....truly beautiful.

Obviously there were issues we didn't know of regarding your physical heart, but when it came to your relational heart, as far as I'm concerned, it was magnificent! .

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Comments 38 comments

veronica 5 years ago

i miss me dad a lot to i dont really know him but i know part of me is missin it hurts a lot i cry everynite


Psalmist4M profile image

Psalmist4M 5 years ago from the Shelter of His Wings

What a gripping dedication... I lost my dad when he was 43yrs old and I was just graduating college. I understand your grief and share in other's comments of consolation and comfort through your relationship with God. I pray that you will rest in Him. Thank you for sharing your heart.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 6 years ago from Washington Author

Hi Allan,

My deepest sympathies! Thanks for visiting and sharing....I know how deeply you are missing your dad. A week ago yesterday was Mothers Day and also the 7 year anniversary of my dad's passing. Life can be good but it certainly is not easy! I'm glad you expressed such a deep appreciation for your dad and know how much you meant to him. It is amazing how tragedy in our lives impacts us, changes us as you mentioned.

God bless and may His presence be felt especially when you are in need of comfort.

christine


Allan 6 years ago

hullo from new zealand

I lost my dad just yesterday

he was 85 and had a heart condition

I will love you forever and always dad and even though the pain and the tears are intense I shall never forget the good times we shared and I am so thankful that you hung in there despite your poor health and the pain you were in

you always remembered our birthdays and would never let us pay for lunch...how blest we are to have had a father like you it was hard for you to say I love you but we all knew you did in the many ways you showed it..thankyou dear God for families and loved ones and friends I am forever changed because of losing you dad but have a far deeper appreciation and love of others..

thankyou for an awesome website and the opportunity to share my tears with you all.. May God bless each and every one of you


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Hi Bingskee -

Thanks for visiting and expressing your appreciation. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to watch a loved one suffer like you and Stagnetto did. It truly is a heart break whenever we lose someone we love and the love and support of others sure helps us make it through... I truly hope that there isn't anyone out there who has to grieve alone. I will be writing another hub soon on a topic related to loss which has been inspired by a tragic event that happened in my community just a couple days ago.

Today is Father's Day...not sure if where you are this is something which is celebrated. I will miss not being able to contact my dad today to tell him I love him, but there are other daddy's I will be honoring and it will still be a blessed day. Hope it's a good one for you as well!


bingskee profile image

bingskee 7 years ago from Quezon City, Philippines

hi, i truly appreciate this blog. reminds me of my father who died in 1992. it's a heart-rending experience. it's unforgettable. before he died, he got into a coma for more than a month. horrible, horrible sight to see someone you love suffer.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks Stagnetto for the visit and the kind comments, they are appreciated more than you realize. I hope you will know and experience unconditional love from another, Father God, yet I realize this is a path each individual has to decide whether or not to take. I still miss my earthly dad, this won't ever change, but If it wasn't for my relationship with my Abba daddy God, it would have been much harder and I would have grieved much longer.


stagnetto 7 years ago

This was just so beautiful. I lost my father 12 years ago and I absolutely adored him and he loved me unconditionally which is something that I don-t think that I will ever experience again. I love my husband a lot but it is not the same. I felt and understood your every word and you wrote it so from the heart. I am sure that you father will have heard the message as well and been proud of you as he always was.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

HI Debbie -

Well I'm glad you found me through hubpages! You really don't have to be tech savvy to participate in the community here; if you have any interest in writing and sharing your experiences or thoughts/perspectives on anything you are passionate about, I'd encourage you to join. I'm still learning lots too. There are a lot of great people from all viewpoints on life here from all over the world. It's a fun venue to share and connect with others and there are people who may benefit from what you express and there are people who will become your fan, encourage and befriend you. Even if you're not sure you'll ever get to posting any writings, you can still join. It only costs your time and energy. Consider and pray about it, but even if you don't feel led to participate in this cyberspace community, please do continue to visit and stay in touch!

God bless you too sweet lady.


Debbie 7 years ago

Hello Chrintinekv, to answer your question to your last comment.....No I am not a hubber nor did I follow a link in my e-mail to get here. At the risk of sounding ignorant, I didn't know what hubpages were until I stumbled upon it as I was searching for abandonment issues on the internet because I am still searching for some answers. As we all know 100 year old person can learn something new everyday day, and I have an open mind. I am only on the internet 2 years so I am still learning all the terminology and the functions. I didn't know you had to sign in and be a member. I just posted a comment and it went through. I found your articles and experiences interesting and I love the fact that you have such a big heart. May you always find peace and joy with His Grace always. God Bless.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks for commenting and sharing Debbie. It does sound like your dad was quite a man. There sure are a lot of things in life which surprise us and don't make a lot of sense such as why your dad would take his own life. People shouldn't make judgemental comments like what you shared though....not very comforting and you've experienced more than a fair share of wounds in your life. I can tell you love him and miss him a lot and I sure can identify with that. Wish I could - maybe there will come a time I will be able to - tell him myself how I appreciate his service to our country....not quite sure how things will work when I get there - if I'll even think about something like that.

Are you a hubber here on hubpages? I'm wondering if you've written any pieces as I'd like to check them out when I find a little more time if so. You sound like you have so much life experience material to share. I know sometimes people don't sign in but rather follow the links which come in their emails and comment from there, which makes it harder to determine if one is a member of the community.

God bless and hope you have a great week!


Debbie 7 years ago

Christinekv, Oh wow! we have so much in common. I was a tomboy too! I am a Christian and study the Bible, "not as much as I should", but I live what I learn from his wisdom.... well I give it my best! We all know that the flesh is weak. I miss my dad terribly, you know the one who took his own life? " in my blog on abandonment"? I know my dad is in Heaven because he did ask GOD for forgiveness before he passed on because my cousin who laid down next to him in his blood told me. We had to prove my father had diabetes neuropathy and that it attacks the nerves, hence: the brain, so he would be able to have a mass. My father fought in WW 11, received metals and honors as a war hero for his bravery. In one incident he captured 16 of the enemy overseas brought them back to camp single handed. So when people say to me, he was a coward for taking his life, I know different. After coming home from the U.S.Army 4 years, he later found his mother had been dead and buried six months ago. This tore the heart right out of his body. So dad and I know what it like to have your heart ripped out! This man was the type of guy that opened his home up to children and animals who had no home, Many people (friends too! ) and animals (strays) came in and out of my home? It was easy for him, I did the housework but loved every minute and wouldn't trade it for the world. Although, less face he paid $$$$ for it all! What a big heart on that man! I wish I had half his compassion! I only wish that I had the opportunity to repay him for all he has done. I Thank our Father GOD (JESUS) in Heaven more than anything because of his LOVE, GRACE (we do not deserve) and MERCY! How grateful are we to have such a loving GOD!!!! For those of us who truly believe he is pleased. So why are we here? To PRAISE and WORSHIP of FATHER in HEAVEN ! I am a servant of the LORD GOD! The SAVIOUR and with his guidence I can do his work. I know we shall all meet again in his Kingdom. Thank you my sister in the LORD.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks Marlene. Pretty wild that we lost our dads from the same thing, near the same age and so near their birthdays. It's rare I lament over his not being here any longer but I miss him soooo much. Every now and then, I unexpectedly find my throat starting to get tight and the tears staring to well....I've accepted this as what may be a normal part of the rest of my life. Life indeed can be hard but I'm so glad I allow myself to feel and express, rather than become hardened or closed off as many do. I know it's cliché but the saying "it's better to have loved and lost....". I'm indeed thankful for the time he was here and a part of my life.... that he was the earthly daddy I was destined to have rather than anyone else.


Marlene F. profile image

Marlene F. 7 years ago from Richmond, Virginia

I understand so well what you are going through. I miss my dad horribly too. As a matter of fact I found your Hub because it was listed on one I just wrote as relating to mine. My father died at 56 just 9 days before his 57th, also from a heart attack. I guess God takes the good ones young because he needs them with him doing his good work.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

HI AEvans...thanks for reading and sharing. What a terrible wound you suffered as a child, losing your dad the day before Christmas at such a young age!  I'm glad you had another earthly father who stepped into his shoes after his passing. Sounds like you had a wonderufl relationship. 

As much as I miss my dad and wish he was still here, I'm at peace about him not being here.  It is a part of life after all. Not to say there aren't times the tears start to well up.  I wish (and know he does too) I had a better relationship with my step mom and at least one of my sisters (she's a half, but I've never regarded my two half sisters as anything but "my sisters".. Anyway, my step mom and my sisters (my relationship is different with each sister and stronger with some than others) don't really know me and don't really want to entirely because of who I am in Christ - it makes them uncomfortable. My step mom wants to be fake about it, my one sister (half) acts like she could care less about having a relationship with me but I know her well enough to know she wants everyone to pity her. Talking to her is a real drain because she tends to be so negative. She's great at placing blame rather than looking at things objectively or humbling herself and accepting responsibility.  Hurting people hurt people, if you know what I mean. If my dad were still here, God would work through him to shed some proper perspective. He was a peacemaker.

I'm glad this hub touched you...March 2006 was only a year and a half ago and I know what it's like to think God and time have healed yet sometimes we realize a raw spot still exists.

God bless.


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

I cried as I miss my dad too. My natural father died when I was 7 and on Christmas Eve and the man who became my Dad past away Mar. 2006 , my heart still aches and sometimes I wonder if he is in heaven talking to my natural dad and saying , Hey John, that little girl that you had to leave behind, grew up to be such a wonderful and successful person." and then they both smile and look down and agree that both did an excellent job with raising us girls. I miss them with all of my heart and your story reminded me , of them. God Bless you and I hope as time moves that your heart mends a little more too. We have to cherish our moments as we do not know our time, however when we go I believe that we will see them again.:)


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Hi Eddie -

Wow, you were moved by this! I'm glad you appreciated it. I still need to check out your hub on your granddad. Your last two comments (praising God) are beautiful. You are a blessing.

christine


Eddie Perkins 7 years ago

Christine,

You should not cause tears to come to a grown man’s heart, but you did. Thank you.

I don’t remember my dad; he died when I was about a year old. My granddad was my dad. I lost my mother and I miss her the most on Mother’s day.

Praise God for the comforter, and the promise that we can comfort others with the comfort that He comforts us with.

Praise God that your dad saw your walk with God, ask questions and that he was happy to receive God’s Word. Thank God for hope.

Bless you ~ eddie


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks Ripplemaker for the visit and sweet comment. Blessings to you and say hi to Daisy for me!


ripplemaker profile image

ripplemaker 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Hi Christine, what a touching letter to your dad! I see that through the difficult moments, your heart has chosen to love beyond measure and thus you are able to appreciate him in a beautiful way. Losing someone is tough and I thank God too that we have wonderful memories of our loved ones to treasure. It helps a lot. Love and light be upon you always. :)


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

I have a friend named Benny who is only in his late 40's and is on a list for a heart transplant. He and his wife, my family and I and many others are still praying and believing for a miracle. Amazing how life sometimes delivers something up to us that we would not expect.

My grandma passed away at 65. I remember her as a girl being the coolest grandma ever. So joyful and lot's of fun. She'd had her share though of health issues - breast cancer, heart attack, and on top of all that, I think emotionally her heart was broken after my mom and dad divorced, after my dad and step mom took my sisters and me and moved us from S. Calif up to Washington. She had one other granddaughter who remained in the area but she may have guarded her heart in an unhealthy way after that, not allowing herself to get to close. Lack of communication and efforts to spend time together between her and my uncle though may have had something to do with it too. They also lost their house and moved into a mobile home park. I just remember receiving a letter from her when I lived in Hawaii saying she'd just made it to 65 and was surprised since she'd thought "the good Lord would have taken me home in my 30's." Three weeks later, she was gone.

Thanks P. Carlotta for saying you'll be there for me - I appreciate it and it means a lot!


drpastorcarlotta profile image

drpastorcarlotta 7 years ago from BREAKOUT MINISTRIES, INC. KC

Hello my friend! I feel my Mom died too young as well @ 65 years! But at age 54, she had a heart operation. When she was 65 they told me she had 5 more years and she died that month!! Such a shock! So I know deeply how you felt and still feel!! It is wonderful how God bring people together and I believe this is no mistake of our meeting! Feel free to contact me, if you need someone to talk to. I will be there for you! Blessings to you and yours always!! Pastor Carlotta


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks P. Carlotta for reading and sharing. Glad you appreciated the hub. My dad had always said he didn't want to stick around if he was going to be incapacitated in anyway as an elderly man. Still, such a shock as he had just turned 58 (I don't consider that elderly!) and none of us were aware of any health problems, we just knew he'd gotten a bit thick around the middle. Had he survived, I don't think his quality of life would be hindered aside from having to change some eating habits, particularly cutting back on his icecream consumption!

I can imagine how hard it is for grown kids to see their parents bodies failing to function, no longer being self sufficient, quality of life diminished etc. I know this has occurred with my parents and their parents (my grandparents) as well as with parents of friends I have. (My grandparents and I had not lived near one another since I was a girl so the effect on me hasn't been so direct).

Life is hard, but God is always good!

Blessings to you.


drpastorcarlotta profile image

drpastorcarlotta 7 years ago from BREAKOUT MINISTRIES, INC. KC

I lost my Dad and Mom 3 months apart! Not once did I cried and my daughter thought I was having a nervous breakdown within. The reason why I didn't cry is because I was sooooo thankful how the Lord didn't let my Mom suffer, how I didn't have to watch her drindle down to nothing. This was always my fear and God didn't let that happen! I truly believe that God honored me! I have never forgotten this and hold it very close to my heart. Yes I understand how you feel and I am blessed to have read this Hub for the memories it hold, for the both of us! Be Blessed!! Thank you for sharing!


christinekv profile image

christinekv 8 years ago from Washington Author

Hi Deann -

Thanks for stopping by and I'm so sorry for your loss - bet this past Father's Day was really hard!

I look forward to connecting w/ you in person soon and maybe you can share more at that time. Peace beloved one!


Deann 8 years ago

I love this. It is fantastic. It made me cry. I lost my Dad last July. I am coming up on the one year mark and it sucks. Mahalo for the beauty you have written to your father. Deann


christinekv profile image

christinekv 8 years ago from Washington Author

Oh I'm tardy in responding to my dear sistah Edlyn - thanks tita for being there for me through that time, for taking the time to read and comment. I wish I was there or you were here so I could collect those hugs and honi's in person!

Stylezink, thanks for visiting and sharing your comments of appreciation... when I read your hub about your mom, my heart just ached for you and I do hope it will get easier with each passing day. I loved that you included pictures of you and your mom....wanted to do that too on this hub but I don't have anything saved on a CD or on my PC. I can print and fax but can't scan the pictures I have in albums....maybe one day I'll get one or two of us on here.


stylezink profile image

stylezink 8 years ago from Atlanta, GA.

You have written a really great hub here! Now, I know you understand completely what I wrote and I felt for you for writing this and how sad you must have been at the time. Your father was the same age as my mother, too young.

Again, I want to thank you for your comment as well. Comments like yours and especially reading hubs as yours here, I know I'll get stronger day by day and maybe start to get a little easier.


edlyn 8 years ago

Thanks Christine for once again being transparent. The memories you have shared will live on forever, especially in your expressions to put it in writing for your children, and your children's children. Though they may have been too young to remember everything about him, or may have never met him, the image and beauty of his memory lives on in you. Your dad is smiling proudly at all your accomplishments and is waiting with the Father in Heaven for you. Honi's and hugs!


christinekv profile image

christinekv 8 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks for your sweet comments Cindy. There were years when my dad and I weren't as close as we were just a handful of years before his passing. I'm really thankful that we were able to honestly be who we are with one another. I'm glad you have accepted your dad for who he is and are able to express your love for him. May you never stop hoping (and praying) for more since it sounds as though you desire to go deeper, but just aren't sure what you need to do to get there. Perhaps writing may help you sort through things and enable you to present something to him which may help bridge any gaps.


Cindy Doonan 8 years ago

Christine,

That brought tears to my eyes! you are so precious! Thanks for writing your feeling, My Dad is 78 and still very active, I love him dearly because he is my Dad, but I never related to him the way you did with your dad. Even now when he comes to visit. I hug him and am thrilled to have him visit, but I don't feel he knows me or I know him. Maybe that comes more from not living with him while I was growing up. I don't know, but I do know I love him! And I tell him that even though he is not some body I call when there is a problem or for comfort. I felt like he never knew what to say to me. So I except who he is and love him with out expecting that from him. Thank you for sharing!


christinekv profile image

christinekv 8 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks Steph and CennyWenny for your comments. Each day and opportunity to spend w/ those we love is truly a gift and may we always be mindful of that so no matter what, even if negative things may be occurring in any of our relationships, we can treat one those we love and kindness. This may be a word for me more than anyone else reading since even though I had a great relationship w/ my dad, that's not how I would characterize all my familial relationships.

CennyWenny, I'm truly sorry for your loss and can empathize w/ your pain which I'm sure surfaces unexpectedly at times. May you find peace and comfort in those who love you and knew your father too, and may you be a source from which that flows to some of them as well.


CennyWenny profile image

CennyWenny 8 years ago from Washington

Thank you for this. I lost my father this January, a couple days before my birthday, and all I could think was "I'm too young for this". Your tribute to him is truly something to be proud of, and something that takes a heck of a lot of courage.


stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68 8 years ago from Bend, Oregon

I can't imagine losing my father. He just turned 60, so this is a big eye opener. Thanks for a great hub.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 8 years ago from Washington Author

Ahmu, Lisa G, and Whezo, thanks to you all for taking the time to read and comment w/ affirmation that what I wanted to convey came through and also, the encouragement.

Thanks Wehzo for the Mother's Day wishes as well as your additional comment. I'm sure the girls truly adore you! Any boys? I haven't seen much of you on here lately and have been wondering about you...For whatever reason, I don't receive email notifications anymore when someone has published something new. I hope all is well with you and yours.

Blessings - Christine


Wehzo 8 years ago

My heart goes out to you and your family. That is a wonderful testament of love for your father. Being a father of 6 daughters, I know how attached girls are to their fathers. I can only hope my daughters love for me is as genuine and lasting as yours for your dad. Happy Mothers Day.


LisaG profile image

LisaG 8 years ago from Caribbean

This was really beautiful. You know, one day you will see your father again. Look forward to that, this separation is only temporary.


ahmu profile image

ahmu 8 years ago

nice hub

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