Dating A Man With A Child/Children

StepMom

The Questions

There are questions that come to mind as you date and get to know them.

Questions:

How long was he with his ex-wife, mother of his child?

Does he and his ex-wife, mother of his child, get along or is it a drama relationship?

Does he still have feelings or a sexual relationship with the mother of his child? (Let’s be 100% honest)

Does he spend time with his children?

How involved is he in their lives?

How are his finances impacted by child support and parental responsibilities?

Does he pay child support and make the children the center of his world?

These questions and concerns are perfectly normal. What’s not appropriate is to ask these questions upon discovering he has children like a parade of questions. The answers to these questions must be asked as time goes along but more importantly the answers will reveal themselves through observation over time. One of the qualities that are desirable in a man is his ability to manage his responsibilities for the actions he took part in creating. Remember, if you are considering a man for a future role in your life as husband potential you must take into account how he conducts himself. Don’t believe you found a good man uncommitted in such a needed role yet will treat you, your child, differently. Remember he had to lay in the bed telling his ex-wife, mother of his child, the same sweet nothings he might be whispering in your ear.

Keep in mind most people with children know it’s important to limit the revolving door of people in their lives because it can damage a kid psychologically. Be patient when waiting to meet his child/children because he has to determine your behavior and if you are long term potential before allowing you to be around the most valuable person in his world.

Fathers

Decisions

Ladies, do not lie to yourself. If you want all the attention or encourage him in any way to avoid spending time with his kids to be with you, dating a person with children is not for you. You are dead wrong as a human being to get upset about the time he spends with his children. You are dead wrong if you spend time with that man and his child/children and aren’t willing to treat them like your own; loving, caring, and interacting with them. You are wrong if you ask him if he wants something to eat and do not make enough for him and his children. You are wrong if you encourage him to drop them off so the two of you can go out together. You are wrong if you mistreat his children by acting like you don’t want them around. Children can sense when they are loved and when they are tolerated. If you don’t want to date a man with children then stop dating him and leave him alone.

If you are family oriented or you find it endearing that this man is devoted to his children then understand you are not the very first priority in his life. Now I’m not saying you aren’t important but you are a maybe, the legacy of his children will live on forever so you do the math on his priorities. Now that being said the best way for you to explore the relationship and be in his life with his children is to blend in with the activities he has planned. If you are invited to spend time with his kids understand you may be tailgating, watching his son play football, going bowling together, or spending time with him and his daughter. If you haven’t reached that level in the relationship you must be understanding when he explains he has plans for the weekend with his daughter or son that does not require your presence. If that’s the case don’t intrude upon his time calling and texting him, let him do his dad thing but be available if he tries to call you once the children are settling in and in bed for the night.

Run From This Man

A man that runs away from his financial and emotional responsibilities will do the same if you end up in that situation. He’s a boy and not a man, accept no excuses or reasons why someone would give up on seeing their child.

A man that has all the time in the world to court you (as older people would say) and never tells you he has plans with his child or events to attend with them is a no-no.

A man that doesn’t say anything about his children and to your knowledge he rarely visits them. Either he doesn’t care, has a psycho ex, or maybe he’s psycho himself a.k.a. physically abusive to their mother or the children. Remember no one is going to divulge that information to you so beware of things that do not make sense.

Sometimes a man can go through a rough patch financially. However if his child support outweighs his income you really need to ask yourself are you willing to sacrifice your desires to accommodate this person. In all reality the answer to that question is no unless you are living at the same level as that man. You can’t go from traveling, eating out, shopping, and attending events to sitting up in the house eating pork and beans because he created 50 kids. That’s not your problem and that’s not fair to you for you to sacrifice your life because he hasn’t created enough income to sustain himself and his responsibilities. A man will figure out a way to correct his life or situation because that’s what men do, little boys expect you to feel sorry for them.

Dealing With The Child

DEALING WITH THE CHILD

  • Never say anything negative about their mother. I don’t care if she’s crazy, on drugs, irrational, whatever-never speak ill of the person that brought this child into the world. It is important that children feel good about both parents because they will derive their self-esteem based on their feelings about the two people that created them.
  • So you found a great man, involved in his children’s life, financially responsible for their future-great! Now comes the period you must stick out and endure. First you must be pure of heart meaning you must have good intensions. You must understand that children often see the new woman as a threat attempting to replace their mother. This is a message you must defuse early in the relationship with the child. Even if they call you mommy, get the message clear that while you think they are special and amazing you are not their mother. Use age appropriate language to let them know you love, care for, their father and you love them too. Finish the conversation by asking them who else they know that loves them? Make sure they mention their mother. Let them know it’s ok to like you and love their mother, make it clear this is not a competition but a fusion of people that love them. If they want to talk to their mother, give the child and the father time to do that on the phone alone. Don’t hover over them but go in another room and allow them to talk freely.
  • Take an interest in the activities of the child and suggest things to him to be involved. If you know his son has a problem catching (baseball) suggest going to the park for a few hours on a Saturday so they can play catch. If you know his daughter is into arts and crafts, go to a festival and spend time together doing things she would enjoy. It will take a while but remember this man is allowing you to spend time with his children so it will take effort on both your parts.
  • He, as a man, should not allow his children to talk to you any kind of way or disrespect you. If he allows his child to talk to you any kind of way in his presence or tolerate them mistreating you he isn’t the man for you.
  • Depending on the class level and maturity of the mother you have to grow a thick skin in the event their mother is programming them “not to touch their hair” or “don’t take anything from her”-ignorant stuff. If you are a genuine person the children will eventually see through the ignorance and develop a relationship with you. As best you can try to get along with the mother. It may be difficult but remain calm and rational, if you can’t tolerate her foolishness simply use phrases like: “I’ll keep that in mind.” While you don’t need to invite her to your place make sure you let her know you aren’t trying to replace her, mistreat her child, or foster a negative relationship. If she comes to pick up the child and you’re with him say things w/excitement like (Guess who’s here to pick you up, your mom!). It’s pretty hard to act like an idiot when other people don’t engage in such behavior.

By the way if you step into a whirlwind of ignorance, drama, grown people that at like children keep shopping.

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1 comment

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 weeks ago

Excellent article.

"Ladies, do not lie to yourself. If you want all the attention or encourage him in any way to avoid spending time with his kids to be with you, dating a person with children is not for you. " - Very true!

This is a very common issue especially if the woman does not have children of her own. In some ways it can almost make her feel like she's a "mistress" in his life when he's going to be spending Thanksgiving, Christmas, or whatever with his parents or exes parent's where the children will be for the day. Attending parent/teacher conferences and other school related issues.

It doesn't take long for the single woman to go from admiring his dedication to his children to feeling resentment especially if he gets along great with his ex and her family. He and his ex are forever tied together.

Some women have a hard clad rule of not dating men with underage children. There are also men who refuse to get involved with single mothers in a "serious relationship". Sex is altogether another thing.

Unless a woman has a "cougar approach" to dating eventually it becomes almost impossible for her date men (her age) who do not have children.

While women may consider it a negative if a man has little or no interaction with his children, the boyfriend of (a woman with children) whose father is not in the picture is often a welcomed thing! hmmm

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