How to deal with an obsessive or abusive person

Author: W. K. Hayes

I know how it feels to be abused

One of the hardest lessons I have ever learned, is how to deal with an obsessive or controlling, person. Mental abuse is far more damaging than physical abuse though neither should exist in the life of a person.

People who have the tendency to be obsessive really need to rethink the person they are. If you are in a relationship with an obsessive person, you really should leave them and I mean now! Obsessive people can be turn violent, as they believe that using fear is the easiest way to control the person they are supposed to love. Obsessive people are dangerous and should be, avoided at all costs.

Still, many young people lack the people skills to recognize an obsessive person quickly enough. Truthfully, there is only one way to determine if the person you are with is obsessive, break up with them. Seriously! Tell your loved one you need a few days to decide if being in a relationship with them is what you really want.

If the person you are dating is patient and gives you, your space for that few days then you’ve found a good person to be with. However, if they start texting you and pulling on you, then they have proven that they are obsessive and more concerned with their needs than they are of yours.

Obsessive people only think they are in love with you when in fact, they are more in love with the idea they have created of you. Therefore, your relationship with them is, based on a fantasy and has no basis in reality, making the relationship plastic in nature.

If you already know the person you are with, is obsessive but are afraid to leave them you need to realize that you do have options starting with these first two options. Either you can leave on your own free will, or you can leave feet first. The choice is yours and I hope that your will to live is stronger than that.

There are battered women’s shelters where you will be safe. Get a restraining order. The restraining order, itself, might seem pretty, useless but trust me, it is still a good idea to get one. By federal law, if a person has a restraining order or a domestic violence charge against them, they are, not allowed to buy a firearm or be in possession of one. If your boyfriend or husband has a firearm, be sure to let the police know when you file for the restraining order.

In some cases, I have seen where going to stay with cousins that live far away has proven to work. Make sure you alert the police and sheriff’s department to restraining order and provide them with a good picture of the person the order is against, wherever you decide to go.

If this person makes any form of contact, let the police know immediately. You may believe that they are not doing their job but that is where you are wrong. The police cannot pick a person up for breaking the law until they find that person. Most of the time, they find people through roadblocks or simply by crossing paths with the person. Therefore, whatever you do, be patient with them and try not to freak out on them, if you can help it. Taking a bad attitude with the police will only deter them from wanting to help you.

Also, get your concealed handgun permit and arm yourself. No matter how much you might hate guns, I have always said, “It is better have a gun and not need one than to need a gun and not have one”. So, protect yourself at all times and stay safe but get the permit. The class only takes a day and the permit will allow you to buy a firearm anywhere in the state. The permit also allows you to keep the gun on you at all times with the exception of banks and government buildings.

Make sure you get the childproof lock if you have children and keep the gun and key in two separate locations away from your children. Childproof locks should be, provided for free buy all firearm dealers in accordance with Federal Firearm laws. This is a mandatory federal law. Also, keep the ammo in a third location. This is only when you feel more safe.

Until then, keep the gun close to you. My suggestion would be to stick the gun under the edge of the mattress. First, always check that the safety is set to on before lying down. Place the gun at the head of the bed with the barrel facing the wall at a thirty-degree angle. Do not allow any part of the gun to show.

As for buying the gun that is best suited to your needs, most, law enforcement officials recommend a .22 caliber pistol. Your accuracy is greatly, improved by using a smaller caliber and the smaller caliber is less likely to kill your intended target.

Do not go for the gun until you can safely pull it out. Tipping your hand too soon, could cause the person to take the gun and use it on you. If you hear someone break into your house, get the gun. If they are already on top of you, keep them distracted by focusing your fight on the opposite side of where they are looking until you can reach the gun and use it to stop the attack.

By law, you have to give them a warning to stop. If they refuse, shoot them in the arm or leg to get them off you. If they continue, shoot them again until they stop. Think like a cop, have them get down on the floor with their hands behind their head and call for help.

DO NOT worry about them being hurt. They obviously did not care about attacking you in the safety of your new home. Just keep the gun on them until the cops arrive.

After being in this kind of abusive relationship for nine years, I know how hard it is to get free of the pain. For the same reason, I should have walked away when I realized the kind of person she was, the instant I realized it.

I cannot stress this enough to you…you do have options…get away from the psycho and set yourself free. You do not have to stay in a bad relationship. You do have people that will help you so please don’t think you are alone.

If you ever need me to talk to, you can reach me here or through one of my websites, Personal Advisor. The website is free and so is my friendship. Please do not hesitate to reach me.

Obsessive behavior can be dangerous. Please be careful and make every attempt to escape in the safest, possible manner. You can get out of the situation and there is hope. Please do not forget this...there is hope.

Update: December 23rd, 2016

Over the past several years since publishing the article, I have done my best to help people break free of poisonous relationships, control freaks and well...jerks. It does not matter if you are a man or a woman, BOTH sexes are victims of these bad relationships, as mentioned here in this article.

Secondly, control freaks are people who cannot get their own lives under control and think that the only way to accomplish this is by controlling others and that is not a viable solution. I once had a friend. Her partner was confined to a wheelchair. Because of this, he constantly tried telling her what to do, how to do it and when to do it. Not because he was asking for help but because he felt inferior to her because of his disability. So, he thought the only way to keep her was to control her. She gave him plenty of opportunity to stop abusing her but in the end, he lost her because of backwards thinking like that.

Be with someone because of love and no other reason or the relationship will fail because it was built on lies and bullying. Love or leave but why say you love someone if they're just a possession for you to dictate to? That's not a relationship and it sure isn't love. Let them go. If you truly care about someone then shouldn't you only want their happiness above your own?

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Comments 42 comments

prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

nice hub and useful information. Thanks for share with us. I never knew about this before. Good to see you here.


Ashantina profile image

Ashantina 6 years ago

Thanks for the hub. And welcome to HP :)

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 6 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Thank Prasetio30 and Ashantina...I appreciate your taking the time to read this article. Have a great day!

TheHopefulPoet profile image

TheHopefulPoet 6 years ago from Florida

You are very correct in saying that mental abuse is far more damaging than physical abuse. Having suffered both myself, I know all too well that it is the emotional pain that lasts a life time while the physical pain dulls with time. I'm glad to see someone speaking out about obsessive relationships as it is a very common problem in the world today and is often not recognized until it is too late. Keep up the good work, your efforts will pay off. :)

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 6 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Thank you THP...after living the nightmare for nine years, I realized that I wasn't living at all. I've been free of that situation for nearly eight years now and even then, I still have to deal the memories I would much rather forget.

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 6 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

A friend just told me about a lady and her sister being murdered by the lady's husband, at work this morning. Apperantly, he walked into the hotel where they worked together and shot them. I cannot say this enough...if you are in an abusive relationship...get out no matter what it takes. Don't say you're leaving...just go!

Bel Marshall profile image

Bel Marshall 6 years ago from Michigan


Thank you so much for writing this. I find myself coming closer and closer to sharing my own story...the time will come.

Also, I would like to point out, that men are not the only offenders in such cases.

There are reports that in domestic violence cases about 40% of these calls to police involve a woman as the offender and a man as the victim.

This is not a gender specific crime and men are often ashamed to speak out about this situation because they fear it makes them seem weak.

Decent men do not harm women and sadly, this makes them an easy target for violent women. There is no shame in speaking out or asking for help.

Emotional abuse is often even more damaging to a person that the physical because physical bruises heal but emotional wounds seem to stick in our psyche for years to come.

Again, thank you for writing this, I know it will help many.

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 6 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Thanks Bel,

What you said is very true. There are many men who are victims of physical and mental abuse as I have been. Abusive relationships can turn deadly and because of this, I cannot stress enough to men and women, get help and get away. Don't say you are leaving...just leave. The worst mistake you can make is hoping they will change. They won't!

Samantha.C profile image

Samantha.C 6 years ago from Yorkshire, UK

I don't necessarily people should have a gun as security... surely if the abusive person is willing to be this violent then by using the same force as them you are reacting in a somewhat similar way... The toughest thing about abuse like you mentioned is the manipulation, it's the emotional side of this, therefore I would never want to hurt the person I was with... I was so isolated that they become your whole world. They gradually take away everything you see as valuable in your life, all your morals. They lie about your friends and because you trust them you believe rumours, then you lose friends. You understand he has a hindered past and feel you understand them therefore you give them chance after chance just to prove to everyone else he is a good guy. You give up a qualification to get a house and move him away from his past..... you get engaged and try to give him what you class as normality. Maybe it is different for men but the last thing I ever wanted to do is hurt him cos he made me feel weak, helpless and unable to walk away, at the same time as making me feel loved and safe. If I was to react his family would react...sometimes it's far more complicated than just to retaliate. It takes years to recover from an experience like that and getting a gun I think would complicate things...

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 6 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Hi Samantha C.

My reference for acquiring a gun was meant purely as a means of, protection. The day I wrote this article, one of my dear friends watched helplessly as her sister, was shot in cold blood by her brother-in-law. She was also shot and barely survived the attack

After speaking with my friend's, daughter, I learned that the police were supposed to have been there on her job, to protect her from him. They failed in their duty and she was murdered. Had she had a gun that morning, she could have protected herself from him and would still be alive, perhaps.

Ultimately, my advice is for those that do have a psycho for an ex-husband or boyfriend. In 2005, 1,181, women, were murdered by their other half, according to the, National Organization for Women (NOW) And a staggering 4.8 million American women are battered and/or raped each year by the person they were once with.

Therefore, I still stand firm in my conviction that if a person has been in an abusive relationship, they should arm themselves because that could very well be the only protection they will have against violence, rape and murder.

W. K.

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hubpageswriter 6 years ago

Being armed is one great solution. No one should be a victim of abuse in any shape or form, thanks for sharing this great story. And I think people who make fun of those being abused are totally sick in the mind. If it happens to someone who are close to their hearts, they would then know how it feels. To each his own, great hub you've got here.

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 6 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Thank you Hubpageswriter...I am glad Lesia is okay and the loss of her sister is truly tragic one, to say the least. What in the world could drive a man or a woman to act like that is beyond me. No one can force a person to be in their life...what could possibly be gained from it? Honestly, people like that make me sick.

QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 6 years ago

A very informative and well researched hub.

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 6 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Thank you QudsiaP1,this article actually comes from experience and the experiences of others, unfortunately. Obsessive people are very controlling and their weapon of choice is mental abuse. Never let anyone make you feel inferior.

blondey profile image

blondey 6 years ago from Boston, MA

Interesting, good point: if they give you a few days, they respect you, not their idea of you. Good hub

bladesofgrass profile image

bladesofgrass 6 years ago from The Fields of Iowa

W.K. very informative Hub. As with many others, I also have been subjected to different forms of abuse & agree that the psychological abuse is a lot harder to get passed. I stayed for 19 years and finally woke up one day & left. Although it was a difficult transition, it was worth every second. People need to realize that they deserve happiness just like everyone else & that they don't have to settle. Precautions need to be taken at every angle when it comes to the "obsessive" person. They are lacking in judgement and need serious psychiatric help. My heart goes out to those that have lost their lives to these people & hope our words can reach the ones that live a daily hell. By telling our stories, we can only hope it helps those that are blinded by "love" or lack there of. :)

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 6 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

bladesofgrass...I am glad to know that you survived the ordeal and the advice you have given here is as solid as a rock. Like you,my heart goes out to the people that have lost their lives to and maybe this, and other articles like this one, can help save lives. Even if this aritcle only saves one life, it is well worth every letter written.

Most people in abusive relationships don't feel they have a way out of the situation but there are options and there are ways of getting away from the living nightmare.

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

I apologize for not reading the whole hub. I reread it just now.

I got out from free choice thank God. It took every bit of strenth in my being.and it's only been a month or so, I'm still working on it.

Thanks, for your support. (blondey)

bladesofgrass profile image

bladesofgrass 6 years ago from The Fields of Iowa

W.K. I agree..saving even just one person is worth reliving the pain. It's kind of like a healing process. One day I hope to write my autobiography or maybe books from different time frames of my life, still undecided. LOL

I would like to offer Schoolgirlforreal above the opportunity to also contact me if she likes & if you don't mind. :) My life is about to get hectic again, but I definitely check Hubpages daily & will respond as soon as I can. Hope you have a great day!!

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

Thankyou bladesofgrass, I suppose it's better to talk to more than one person as I don't want to haunt anyone. I'll have to check out your profile. thankyou very much though.

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA


From reading some of your hubs, it appears to me, though I may be wrong, that you have some mentally ill people in your family? Do you think all people like that are sick and will never be normal? I'm confused.

bladesofgrass profile image

bladesofgrass 6 years ago from The Fields of Iowa

SGFR-I left a response to this question on my "Up a Creek without a Paddle" hub. My explanation is quite indepth since the diseases/conditions are complex the answer can not be as simple as, yes or no. Might I correct you, though? Only one of my Hubs mentions someone being bi-polar & I would never use the word "sick" to describe anyone that has this condition or any other mental disorder. I believe that people that have a milder form of some of these disorders can live happy, productive, normal lives & for most...medications & doctor's care is a must. As with many things, there are many different levels of these conditions from mild to very extreme and I do have empathy for people & especially those who have personal struggles. :)

Jennifer Lynch profile image

Jennifer Lynch 5 years ago from Stowmarket, Suffolk.

Brilliant article. I don't know about the gun bit but then I haven't been in that type of relationship so I may well change my mind if I felt threatened. Also live in a sleepy village in the UK! Thanks for sharing.

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 5 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Thanks for reading J. L. Sleepy villages are awesome just like this area was when I first moved here. Since then,the place has grown and I have seen a lot of battered women in this area thanks to my former occupation. May your life continue to be blessed with peace and thanks for reading my article.

glorgeousmom profile image

glorgeousmom 5 years ago from Philippines

Good hub. The information you provide is very useful. A person must know their true value. They have the power to choose and not allow themselves to become a victim. If at any course of the relationship, they find out that they are in an obsessive relationship, they have the power to choose to get out. You don't have to be a victim if you have the power to choose not to become one.

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 5 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Thank you glorgeousmom...I totally agree with with. People do haveoptions and they should take those options and break free from obessesive and/or abusive partners. The key is recognizing the signs early on. The sooner a person realizes the situation they are putting themselves in the better. Even then, there is a way out.

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Phoebe Pike 5 years ago

Very interesting hub, informative and well-written.

brooke 5 years ago

Hey wanted to say that information was very helpful wish I had read it a long time ago been in an abusive realtionship and in another one now!why does a person that loves u so much can hurt u so bit?I cant understand it!and I still love the person no matter how much they abusive me!

Louise 4 years ago

Everything you have said i have lu ed and am still living, i am disabled because of him, i tried the restraning order it didbt work, i got a tazer but he is alot stronger than me,i want to do the classes to carry a firearm, but cant afford them, there is no shelter here no kind of help i don't know wha t to do, i feel it is

4 years ago

THANK YOU for this info! Very relevant and helpful to me right now.

Jennifer Lynch profile image

Jennifer Lynch 4 years ago from Stowmarket, Suffolk.

Do you mind if I share this on facebook in view of the content?

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Vampuke 4 years ago

Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) "...I wanted his car destroyed..I wanted him hurt so that he could be in the hospital.. I put my son in harms way so many times by my driving or my yelling at him to get in the car faster so I could chase after Jason..I knew what I was doing was wrong and crazy…...I used to get so upset that I would yell at my son and I would drive erratically or couldnt' function or thought of all sorts of things to get back at him..” 4/15/06 #8420, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

Angelique Picillo (Baker, Kindel) ”..I feel lke I might need to find an anger management program because whenI get hurt my anger tends to turn towards trying to kill the person…” 5/12/06 #8835

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 3 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

I would recommend counting to ten before doing anything illegal. Twenty, if you're really ticked off.

R.K. Müller 3 years ago

Hello, I really would like to hear your opinion since you seem to be an expert in experiencing obsessive abusive relationships. It really helped me to read you wrote about your past relationship. If I talk to my friends or family, they all have the same opinion and of course no one is giving me a neutral opinion.

I've been with my boyfriend for 1,5 years now, it's not a long time but it was enough to experience so many problems. When I met him, he was a total deferent person. He was kind, funny, respectful and just the best guy I have ever met. He knew exactly how to treat a woman. However, after 4 months being together everyday and sharing the best time together, we took our relationship very serious. We were never so in love like this before. I was crazy about him and he was crazy about me. Unfortunately, I had to leave to Spain for 5 months because of my studies and that's where everything started. He started to control everything what I'm doing, saying etc. He wanted to find out every single detail about my past. He got abnormally jealous about my previous boyfriends. It was crazy. Every day we had to talk about what I experienced in the past. He forced me to give him all my passwords, so I did and he read everything I ever wrote, no matter, if it was with my girlfriends or just malefriends. He got always very angry at me and started to curse me out a lot. I got the feeling that he always wanted me to beg him to stay with me and he actually enjoyed when I was hurting. Than I broke up with him. I couldn't handled it anymore but after a while we got back together. He promised me to changed. Nevertheless, the same crap started all over again. He is always getting mad about my past/ex-boyfriends, cursing me out and just robbing my positive attitude to life. He gets mad when I don't answer what he wants to hear. He wants to know everything I'm talking about with my friends etc. But at the same time, when he does have good days, he is the best boyfriend ever. He tells me that I am the best woman in the world and the first one he has ever loved. However, he says that I broke him and that I'm responsible for the way he is. I feel guilty and I'm not strong enough to break up with him because I love him and I believe that he can change and be the same boyfriend he started out to be.

What's your impression?? Please help.

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 3 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Truthfully, it sounds like he needs counseling. He should also accept the blame for his own actions versus blaming you and perhaps, everyone else. Maybe you should consider cutting him loose. A few good days are not worth a lifetime of regret and I really don't see him changing. Fact is, it sounds like he's getting worse. Do what's right for you and find someone that is more along the lines of what you need.

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yildiz01 3 years ago

Dear Mr. Hayes,

I have been with a guy for almost 4 years now. I don't know if this what he has for me is love, he does everything I want him to, He isn't violent towards me, doesn't call me names, wants to marry me and is very loving and sweet. However, I don't feel the same towards him and I don't want to be with him anymore. But the moment I talk about leaving him, he points out that that is not an option. In the past when I wanted to leave him he would threaten me, now he doesn't say the words but we both know the consequences. He tell me how much he loves me and how he can make us happy together and that I made him this way. That I shouldn't expect for him to throw away 4 years of all of his effort to change for me and making him fall in love so badly and that it is my fault. He also points out, that there is no life for him after me.. he sais kill me and be free.. he said I am the only person to give him a reason to live and that I could not leave him behind like trash. Altough I told him that I would love to help him in his life, just not as his girlfriend or wife he didn't accept it.

The big problem is, I tried leaving him but I come from a muslim family and in our culture it is not okay to have a boyfriend or to have sex before marriage and I did both. So he is actually threatening me with coming to my door and talking to my dad. I can't do this to my family, they would be terrible dad would have a heart attack and my mother is sick as well. I can't risk them finding out. I don't know what to do. Could you please give me advice on what I should do, or how to talk to him or get him help to get me out of this position?



W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 3 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

irst and foremost, your family will love you no matter what. As for this guy that is using your fears to keep you needs to be gotten rid of. If he loved you, he would never treat you this way but it's not love that he really feels for's just his selfish pride. I am sorry that you have found yourself in this unwanted situation but I believe that you are strong and capable of doing what you think is best for you and for your family. Turn this around on him and talk to your mother about what has happened. She'll help you with your father and you will be amazed to learn that they truly do love you and only want you to be happy. So, that's my honest with him, your parents and most honest with yourself. :-)

tamara 2 years ago

So I'm wondering why this, like most other articles about the subject, say that the WOMAN is victim and the MAN the aggressor. I'm going through hell just now because the aggressor is my boyfriends Ex whose not only destroyed property of mu BF first wife but also openly threaten to murder me. She even lost custody of her little son who;s living with us now, and yesterday she managed to set a tramp for my boyfriend in order to lock him in her apartment and was not at least preoccupied that there was no one to pick up the little on from kindergarten.

Random Guy 2 years ago

It's a turn off to read these things thinking they're written with in general terms, only to find out it's written for a woman (probably by a woman) against some man. There are also women who obsess over men you know, like the damn woman who's stalking the hell outta my life! When you write please don't single out a certain people group in order to tell your story , obsession has no gender.

anup 23 months ago

I myself am stuck in such a friendship that has turned into obsession for him. He is in my the same year. So i will have to face him many times. I am very afraid as he will not let me go that easily. Right now.. I m at home. But sooner.. I have to go back to the college. But i have decided that this friendship has to end. I have blocked him out of whatsapp.. Blocked him calls and facebook. He had hurt himself physically many a times earliar... Recently.. He would try to control me physically but not letting me go.. He would hold my hand and pull me. He would take my phone and would not return it to me until he wants to. He called my mom and told her my bring me down in her eyes. I am already am in love with someone else with whom i will get married soon. And he knows that from the vèry beginning. I am terrified right now. Cause he just don't seem to care abt anything. He just wants me to do what he wants... To stay as friend with him.. and that i should not talk to any other guy than him as it upsets him the most. But i cannot be with him anymore. I am scared because when i will have to go to the college and face him... I don't know what he would do. I fear that he would turn violent and abuse me physically. What should i do??

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 11 months ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

To everyone here... I sincerely apologize for not being here for you. Due to health-related issues, I have been down for some time and unable to be here. However, I am back up and running and here for you. If anyone needing my help wishes to reach me, use any of the links on my main page to contact me and I will reply as quickly as possible. If it is an emergency situation...CALL THE POLICE!

W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 2 months ago from Bryson City, North Carolina Author

Random Guy, I am a man who wrote this article after suffering a rather intense and abusive relationship at the hands of a woman. The article was never meant to be gender-biased but it does derive from my experiences and others like us who get tangled up with obsessive types. I hope you found freedom from the nightmare as that wish applies to all of you.

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