Dear Ardie - Advice Column

Wouldn't YOU trust my advice?!
Wouldn't YOU trust my advice?! | Source

Advice

Yes - it is true. I am like Dear Abby and Dear Ann except I am even better. I am Dear Ardie.

Not only do I write at HubPages.com but I also run a blog where I give out advice on parenting and relationships. I’ve tried to keep the two writing projects separate for a long time but I cannot hide the secret anymore. You see, I have had writer’s block for the last month or so. And I figure I can share some of the emails I receive at my blog along with the advice I have handed out to the senders. These are indeed real emails I have gotten from real people. However I cannot attest to whether the problems are real or not. But as I say on my blog “no email gets turned away unless you spell my name wrong”.



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PBS Kids Logo | Source

PBS Kids vs Nickelodeon

Dear Ardie,

My husband and I agree that our children should only watch 2.3 hours of television per day total. However, we can’t seem to agree on television programming for that amount of time. I prefer educational shows such as PBS Kids’ Dino Train and Sesame Street. My husband, on the other hand, thinks the children should be allowed to watch purely entertainment programming such as Nickelodeon shows Spongebob Squarepants and Fred: The Show. Ardie, how do you think we could best settle this dispute? I fear for my marriage; the kids are watching us fight, the home is in turmoil with indecision and I am at my wits end! Please help me save my family.

Sincerely,

Programming Parent


Dear Programming Parent (ie. Paranoid Parent),

I think the best solution is to keep your children in a plastic bubble and DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow them to watch television ever. The damage you have already caused to their little minds is irreparable and I am ashamed of you as a fellow parent! Hopefully in time you and your husband can come to terms with the irreversible harm you have caused to your children. I recommend intensive psychotherapy immediately.

Sincerely,

Ashamed Ardie




How Do I Know if She is the One?

Dear Ardie,

I have been dating the same girl for 10 years now. We are expecting our third child in 3 months and I am very excited. The thing is - I think I want to marry this girl. But how do I know if she’s “the one”?

Sincerely,

Perpertually Perplexed


Dear Perpetually Perplexed,

Dude, seriously? You have spent ten years with, and you are expecting your third child with, this woman. And yet you don’t know whether or not she’s “the one”? I’ll tell you what. I know of an ancient tribal method for determining if a person is “the one” for you. First you need to buy an engagement ring. Then you should run a pot of water to boiling. Place the ring in the boiling water for 8-10 minutes stirring occasionally. After the alloted time pull the ring out of the water and immediately throw it at your girlfriend. If the ring sticks this girl is indeed “the one” for you. (Wait, or was that to test spaghetti against a fridge?!)

Sincerely, Aghast Ardie




Online Dating Site Troubles

Yo Ardie,

Wassup? i have been on hella diffrent dating sites and i have met tons of cool peeps. But i am still single! I don’t (censored) get it! How can gurlz not love this motha (censored again) gangsta thug from Alabama?! i got blu eyes, brown hair, and mad tats and piercings. ha i think im perfect. what do u think the problem is with these hose? Fo shizzle aint me!

Out,

T-Bone



T-Bone? Okay. Dear T-Bone,

First off, I am amazed that you capitalize your ‘name’. What is that – a noun or an verb? Secondly, wow that letter was difficult to read. This is the first time my editors actually had to work for their salary! Did you even try running the spellcheck on your email?! And did you call women hose? As in the hose I use to water my lawn? Perhaps the reason women have not shown interest in you on these dating sites, where you look for a girlfriend, is because they simply cannot understand you. Or maybe it's just because you’re lame. Yes, I rather think that’s the problem. Speak English, act normal, and fix that name. I bet you’ll find a girlfriend in no time. Okay I won't bet on it but it will at least increase your odds.

Word,

Ardizzle (AKA Ardimus Paulicus)





Is Hygiene Really Important?

Dear Ardie,

I am a 17 year old girl and I have been dating this boy for 6 months now. I really like spending time with him and we talk on the phone every night. I am pretty sure he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with – we have even thought up baby names. The problem is that he doesn’t wear deodorant and he doesn't shower very often. When he puts his arm over my shoulder or gives me a hug he smells really bad. What should I do? Do I put up with the smell since I love this guy or do I tell him we cant date anymore because he stinks?

Thank you,

Nose plugs Nora


Dear Nose Plugs,

I wish to congratulate you on knowing whether this boy is the one or not! You are a million steps ahead of Perpetually Perplexed – however you are still lagging behind him in so many ways. Darling, how can you be sure this boy is the one when you are only 17 years old and you have dated for only 6 months?! T he fact that you can't be close to him due to his offensive B.O. makes me question your sanity! You need to grow a pair and tell this dude to follow up on his personal hygiene or he’s outta the picture. Smelly pits are the pits. If this boy respects you he will gladly throw on some deodorant or cologne when he knows he will be spending time with you.

Yours truly,

Aroma Ardie



THE stalker song

The Stalker

Dear Ardie,

I really like this girl from my church and I think she likes me too. We turn and hug the people around us at the closing of church and she hugged me extra tight the other day. She sings and I sing too so I thought it would be nice to hang out with her. I found her on Facebook a week ago and we chatted back and forth a few times. We were friends but then I think she accidentally blocked me. I sent her emails telling her how to unblock me but she hasn’t yet. I think maybe because she doesn’t want to get to know each other online. So I have tried calling her and she never answers her cell phone. I have left numerous messages with my phone number but she must not be getting them because she hasn’t called back yet. I have also tried walking up to her at church but she always goes in the opposite direction when she sees me. I think she is very shy. Ardie,I don’t know what to do – I KNOW this girl likes me but I cant get near her. Please tell me what I should do. Should I go to her house? I do have her address - I was able to do a reverse lookup online using her phone number. I got the house number and street name. I walk by her house a few times every day but Im nervous to stop in. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Desperate Dan



Dear Desperate Dan,

I recommend a support group my friend – because you have issues! Move on, scat and leave this poor girl alone. She doesn’t like you and she doesn’t want anything to do with you. The Facebook block? Not a hint – a full out DENY. Nobody accidentally blocks another person! She wants you to go away and stop stalking her. Don’t call, don’t email, don’t bug her friends, and PLEASE for the love of all things DO NOT go to her house. Dan, take it from me – you need to find another girl to talk to. Visit Internet chat rooms, read articles on how to get a girlfriend and use dating sites to meet other girls. But let them take the lead. If they don’t follow up with you – leave them alone. Stop being creepy Dan.

The Blog Lady,

Advising Ardie (who in no way, shape or form likes you so please do not email again - I have your IP and I am not afraid to call your mother.)


More by this Author


Comments 129 comments

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

This is a HILARIOUS hub!! I hope you will publish a series of your advice column adventures. You are so down to Earth and so funny! Loved it!


Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

omg...I was laughing my heart out while reading the questions and your answers were brilliant :))

Who says one needs a degree to be a phycologist...lol

you rock lady, Ardie and I BOW down to you :))

voted up as AWESEOME and FUNNY and SHARING!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 4 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

This is great!! Hope you do more like this one!


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 4 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Now that's my kind of stuff! You are a genuine smart ass, and I love you. I too am a genuine smart ass (with small streak of self serving arrogance. My advice to Mr. Stalker would be to give some serious thinking to bridge jumping without a parachute, but hey ... that's just me. Loved it KIDDO! :)

~ jim


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

What an interesting hub to read in the morning in Kathmandu. Your witticism, little bit of sarcasm, and wry humor, everything make this hub wonderful.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

OMG! Ardie - I don't think I have ever laughted out loud so many times in one hub! This is priceless! WOW! Oh you should do a series of these - hilarious!

The way you switch from question to answer - brilliant! The language - I was cracking up! Hose? That is great! Oh the stalker! I mean "and she hugged me extra tight" oh boy! Rotfl! Absolute and pure entertaining!


Rolly A Chabot profile image

Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

Dear Ardie... this is awesome... for the third time today I find myself close to hitting the floor in laughter. You are good without a doubt... great stuff and know that you have made me laugh today.

Heh by the way stop around the Fireside and there will be a Cookie there for your next visit.

Hugs from Canada


American View profile image

American View 4 years ago from Plano, Texas

Outstanding, Totally hilarious. Great work and hope there are more Dear Ardies to come Up, awesome and across the board


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 4 years ago from Philippines

This made me laugh. It is a fun hub and these are fictitious characters?.... or you may have to give serious thought as to why your blog attract such creeps and weirdos :))


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada

Ardizzle...

Wait...I'm still trying to get over "Ardizzle" ...

OK...so...this is AWESOME and you way kick ass on those "pretenders" Abby and Ann!

One thing...it wasn't nice to tell desperate Dan to 'Scat' before he left...church girl already has it rough...

Voting Up and passing it around like a 'newbie' in lock-up!

Thomas


dilipchandra12 profile image

dilipchandra12 4 years ago from India

Excellent ardie, this is a perfect hilarious hub. Enjoyed reading, thanks for giving a good laugh. Funny, awesome and voted up :)


Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

I agree with this people! You are awesome Ardie! LOL! How funny! Hopin to hear from dear Ardie again!

LORD


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Aaw Tammy you are always such a constant support to me and I thank you for that. Perhaps a series is a good idea. I know it helped break my writer’s block!

Ruchira another one of my favorite little supporters! I’m so glad you liked this one. It was sitting on my account for a few days – I just wasn’t sure if I should hit publish or not. Thank you for all the votes and the share I saw before bed.

Justateacher, thank you so much! I will make more if you insist :) it was rather easy.

MWNP :) self-serving arrogance – now I have NONE of that! Wasn’t Mr. Stalker creepy? And to think it was a real email just makes me terrified for the poor girl. I wanted her phone number just to warn her and her parents! By the way – my daughter and I read your fart speed Hub and uh…couldn’t leave a comment haha It was too funny!

Vinaya :) I hope the read helped your morning get started – I posted it and then ran off to bed for some great sleep.

RHW, can you believe that dummy called women hoes and didn’t even know how to spell it?! Ugh those white boys from ‘Bama kill me. Stalker dude – scary and Im hoping he doesn’t see this and get mad at me for sharing his email hahah oooh well.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Rolly, thank you for reading! I really didn’t think you would like my type of humor so I am very surprised to see you here. I will indeed stop by at the fireside – I love those cookies that don’t cost me any extra calories!!

Hello American View, thanks for stopping in and for the votes! I will do more Dear Ardies :)

Hello SilentReed, I will let you in on a secret – a few of these are fictitious but a few are real. The extra creepy one? Yup, Desp Dan is real! And yes there ARE times I wonder “why me?” hahah

Thomas my man :) I tried for Ar-pizzle because it sounds funnier but I found no way to justify that! And I didn’t mean for DD to scat ON church girl HAHA!! Oh you kill me – thanks for stopping in and making my Hubs funnier. I appreciate the passes

Hi Dilip!! Thank you for finding my Hub funny – I was a little nervous publishing it. I also appreciate the votes :)

Lord, I am pretty awesome, huh? And have no fear– you will hear from Ardilicious more – you cant ‘scape me!


Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

Marcy Goodfleisch 4 years ago from Planet Earth

I needed a good laugh just now! I think I may have met Dan the Scary Man. He keeps sending me emails every now and then asking "What went wrong?" In his mind, 'We' had something special. I'll forward your answer to him.

Actually, Ardie - you are one of the best people I can think of for an advice column gig! You really do give that sort of love and support to everyone. And you're smart and funny!

Voted up and across!


Sunnie Day 4 years ago

What a great hub! I laughed so hard. You Ardie are such a master of replying to these questions..I hope you will continue this hub.

Thanks so much..Marcy is right you are very smart and funny!


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica

Dear Ardie,

I have this Hubpages friend who makes me laugh so much that I p*ss my underwear and choked a couple of time. I don't know what to do! Please Ardie, should I tell her how awesome she is by voting right across and reading her hilarious hub again?

Cackling Cardisa


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

You had me laughing befor my first cup of coffee and that is a feat!

Thank you for the great laughs Ardie :)

Voted Up!


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Oh Ardie, this is priceless! I am sitting here in the studio laughing outloud and my sides hurt. Fantastic and sharing. You are too damn funny and if you come out here this summer we are going to laugh our asses off!


jenubouka 4 years ago

LOL, Ardie you are farcking hilarious! Your imagination and creative out-of-the-box mind is so awesome. Oh, man I am still wiping the tears from my eyes. Picture me reading intently with the first one, then face palmed when I read the rest....


Charlotte B Plum profile image

Charlotte B Plum 4 years ago

I really enjoyed this! I don't know where you get all these funny ideas from =P but I totally take my hat off to you!


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Dear Ardie,

I just spewed my coffee all over my keyboard. What should I do? Throw it in the dryer or hang it on the line?

This was so much fun to read! Love It!!!


savingkathy profile image

savingkathy 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I loved this! This was just the laugh I needed today. Thanks so much for sharing with us!


David Warren profile image

David Warren 4 years ago from Nevada

Absolutely hilarious! I was a bit indecisive and bored this morning, off to a slow start browsing hubs. Perfect timing in running across this. Made my morning!


Moonmaiden profile image

Moonmaiden 4 years ago from Lucerne Valley, CA

Too funny. I'm glad you finally decided to come out of the closest and share your inner psychologist.


writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

Loved yor writing and having a good laugh in the morning.

Right now I'm through writers block finding out I have RA.

Voted across the top, Joyce.


Faithful Daughter profile image

Faithful Daughter 4 years ago from Sunny Florida

ROFL!! You are hysterically funny and very direct when giving advice (lol).


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 4 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

This format is priceless in your capable hands. Voted up and hysterically funny!

Poor smelly dude. Maybe the girl should take him to the car wash with her - in a convertible!


onegreenparachute profile image

onegreenparachute 4 years ago from Greenwood, B.C., Canada

Totally hilarious - and girl - I needed a laugh!!! Thanks for writing this and I'll be looking for more!! Please.

Oh and Desperate Dan totally creeped me out.

Up & Awesome & Funny & Interesting & ....well you get the idea.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Amazingly amusing, and astutely articulate, Ardie!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Hello Marcy :) You have a Dan Dan Desperate Man?! Oooo girl – you want me to have a chat with him? What went wrong? The fact that nothing went! I truly appreciate the comment that I would be great for an advice column haha I would be in heaven! Thanks for the votes.

Hello Sunnie Day, the sweetest Hubber that starts with Sunnie :) Thank you for your excellent comment. I think I will go on with this – if I keep getting good emails.

Hi Cardisa! Ah lucky girl with that friend eh? I suggest you change the unds and give her those votes ;)

Good morning Curiad! (Im going to pretend like I got to these comments right away instead of being lazy about it.) I know how you coffee drinkers are so THANKS!

Hi Bill :) Sore laughter sides are the best! Especially when you’re alone and stop long enough to realize you were laughing that hard by yourself. Can you imagine my husband and your Bev putting up with us?

Jenubouka :) I am so glad you are no longer the flatulence photo….it was impossible for me to read your Hubs and take you seriously! So funny. I love that you took the emails seriously at first – I thought about burying that boring one in last because it was lame – but it looks like I had juuuust the right placement for the face palm!!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Hello Charlotte and it is a pleasure to meet you :) thank you for taking the time to read my advice column. I do hope you found something to take with you today that will help improve your life :D Nah seriously, I just appreciate the read!! Thank you

JAS hiya! I am so sorry about the keyboard – perhaps just hang it upside down a bit and shake. At the rate a writer such as yourself types the keys aren’t bound to stick as they dry :D

SavingKathy, thank you for reading! It makes me happy to know I made someone else laugh :)

David Warren, don’t ever be indecisive or bored! I know some great Hubbers who will keep you laughing – just email me and we can work something out :) Thanks for reading!!

Moonmaiden :) I am so happy to see you here! And just in time for me to debut my inner shrink – ya never knew did ya?! I have got to stop posting those stupid Facebook jokes.

Hello writer20 :) I am so sad to hear about the RA – maybe you can look into one of those programs where you speak and it types? ((hug)) Im glad you came by to read and comment. Take care.

Thank you Faithful Daughter - arent you glad Im not YOUR mother?! My poor kids hehe

Austinstar - thanks for the sweet comment! I do wonder why girls think its ok for a boy to smell. Ugh - I understand if its after jogging 6 miles but...car wash here we come!

onegreenparachute, thank you for reading :) I hope you never have to deal with a creepy Dan - you gotta wonder what goes on in these weirdos minds!

marcoujor, look at all those A's hahah makes me happy! Thanks for reading girl.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Ardie, I wonder that every single day! :)


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

The letters look like they came from some certifiable characters! Your answers were a scream. For someone with writer's block you sure picked a winner! You'll never know how much I needed this laugh right now. Either your timing or mine was perfect. Thank you. Voted up, funny and SHARED.


carter06 profile image

carter06 4 years ago from Cronulla NSW

Oh my gosh Ardie if I'd known about your column earlier I could have come to you for... well... all sorts of advice!!!

Thanks for a good laugh :)


Triplet Mom profile image

Triplet Mom 4 years ago from West Coast

Ardie! I laughed, I cried, I gave it 5 thumbs up. Sometimes I wish I could talk to people this way. Oh wait I already do. Very very funny


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 4 years ago from Texas

This was just too much. I really do hope you do some more of these. What is scary is there really are people out there like this and you do not know if the questions are made up or not. LOL Thanks for a great laugh!


Rusticliving profile image

Rusticliving 4 years ago from California

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.... Oh Ardie! *thinking I'm a little hesitant to ask you a "dear Ardie" question.LOL You are priceless. Vote up!!!!! Lisa


Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 4 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

OMG Ardie... That was hilarious! Voted up!


stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68 4 years ago from Bend, Oregon

Hahaha!! I would LOVE to write my own advice column one day. Yours is a lot more entertaining than dull "Dear Abby." Rated up - thanks for the laugh!


Candie V profile image

Candie V 4 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Dear Technicolor Ardie:

I think I'm a writer. I write stuff. Not lots of stuff. Just stuff about stuff. I have stuff I read and I think my stuff is good like the stuff I read. So what's up with my stuff not being discovered by the people who publish stuff?

Sincerely,

Stuffed up in K'Town


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

OMG - this was absultely hilarious???? LOVE LOVE LOVE it!


weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia

Dear Ardie, oh wait wrong site! Great Hub, voted up across the board!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Bill – we will have to buy the two of them flowers and chocolates to make up for the crazy antics and gags we’re bound to try to pull!! (Mine gets the chocolates Bev gets the flowers…)

Tillsontitan, We are perfect therefore we BOTH had perfect timing, right girl? Im glad you could get the laugh – I really don’t know about the people sending these letters. I hope they never get word of this here Hub or I might really be in for it ;) Thanks for the votes and share

Hey hey Carter :) I HAVE been asked for a part 2 so uh, you know – just send me that email and sign it something witty. I promise I wont tell too many people it’s really from you!

Triplet Mom! A flashback, one of my earliest and favoritest followers :) I think the reason we get along so well is that we are pretty much alike…except I spread my kids all out like a dummy.

Hi Cindy, I will admit that some of the questions are made up and some of them are real questions I have been asked – it seems I am a good listener so people just come to me. But I love it! Once I get more ammunition – I mean emails – I will write another!

Lisa, I would love to hear your answers to some of these questions. You’re funnier than I am any given day of the week. And those Mom stories? I love it! Thanks for the vote :)

Hello Anamika, thanks :) Im glad you found it funny and I appreciate the vote up

Stephhicks, please DO write the column and plaster it all over Facebook so I don’t miss it. Moms just have a way with words. (Dear Abby is sorta getting old and outta her groove huh?)

Stuffed Up, that’s ‘F’ed up how nobody will publish your stuff – I mean seriously what other kind of stuff could they be looking for?! I suggest you take your stuff and go to the place that publishes stuff and stuff your stuff up the publisher’s…stuff? Hahah!! Love ya

Hi Barbergirl :) Im glad you saw the humor – Im sure you’ve dealt with these type questions before too…other parents can be weird

Hi weestro! You can leave a question here but then everyone will know how you got those spots… (you can always email me) Thanks for the votes!


emilybee profile image

emilybee 4 years ago

Wow this is getting shared! This was some funny stuff, Ardie!!!!! Way to go! You get some seriously wacky emails-much more crazy then any Dear Abby's I've ever read, lol!


hoteltravel profile image

hoteltravel 4 years ago from Thailand

Your answers are excellent; coated with humor without being sarcastic. Voted all the way up.


cclitgirl profile image

cclitgirl 4 years ago from Western NC

Ardie, oh, Ardie, what would I ever do without your wonderful wit to make my day? Can I ask you for advice? I mean, my hubby and I are hopelessly in love. Where should we spend our next vacation? Try to take a space shuttle to space or sail around the world? Hehehe, jk. Not about the love part. ;) This is sooooo funny. I love it. You're truly amazing.


Candie V profile image

Candie V 4 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Dear Ardie,

Packed my stuff into a stuff sack and doing with said stuff to said publisher of stuff and passing on your advice to stuff it! Dems is good times! Thank you for knowledge of stuff!

Stuffed up in K'town!


J.S.Matthew profile image

J.S.Matthew 4 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

I loved this Ardie! Now I am looking forward to reading a "Dear Ardie" column on a regular basis! Since Hubbers can ask another Hubber a question directly, I would love to see this as a regular series! I think you are onto something Ardimus Paulicus (aka Ardizzle)! You have a wonderful sense of humor and I never know what you will come out with next! Voted up and sharing!

JSMatthew~


poshcoffeeco profile image

poshcoffeeco 4 years ago from Cambridgeshire

Ardie Paul, you crack me up. When is the Evening with Ardie show going to be on TV. You must let me know. I know you could call it An Audience With Ardie. Seriously you had me believing they were real e-mails for all of 5 seconds. More of this please!

You get Up/awesome/funny/interesting.....oh just have em all.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

Hahahaha.....hehehehehe..... hohohohoh... gulp-gulp! Hahahaha!

ROFL!

I want to say something significant, but caaaaaannnn'tttt hahahahahaha!

Oh my goodness, you are too good to be true, Ardie!


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 4 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Ardie, I was sure this was an old hub I'd already read (and commented on). What a nice surprise that it isn't. LOVED IT! Please write more!

To prime the pump, I'll be happy to email you about my new 60-stuck-at-puberty neighbor who just doesn't "get" that we'll never be any more than "waving neighbors" (i.e. when I'm getting into my car he'll yell "Hey, Girl!" - grrrrrr - so rather than being rude and telling him it's demeaning to call a grandmother "girl", I just wave and drive off!).

His latest attempt at "courting" was to knock on my door at an ungawdly hour of the morning to tell me any time anything of my side of the duplex needs watering, "feel free to use my hose...(wink, wink)". Boy, am I regretting not snagging the unit at the other side of the cul-de-sac when I had the chance!

Voted up and hilarious! (Okay there's no "hilarious" category, but there should be for hubs like this that are knee-slapping, ROTFL hysterical!) ;D


robie2 profile image

robie2 4 years ago from Central New Jersey

I am like totally in stitches and think Dear Ardie definitely leaves Dear Abby in the dust....from programming parent to desperate dan, your advice is right on the money, oh yes yes yes:-)


Tams R profile image

Tams R 4 years ago from Missouri

OMG Ardie! What the heck is wrong with you?! I say that sarcastically because I think I already know. You have a crazy sense of humor like I do.

I was cracking up the whole time and almost spat water into my keyboard. That would have made me stop laughing I'm sure.

My goodness. You hit a home run with this hub.

Thanks for the continuing laughter.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Emilybee – thank you! Can you imagine Dear Abby’s reaction to Dan? Im afraid the poor dear would faint! (For the record I DO love Dear Abby haha)

Hoteltravel, thank you for seeing my humor! I also appreciate the vote.

Hiya CC! I would love to give you advice. I’m telling you – the best place for two lovebirds is in Ohio. Yup – good old Akron, Ohio. HEY! You can stop in and visit while you’re here :) Spread some of the love.

Candie V – does the V stand for Vixen? Your cute little caped hoodie leads me to believe it is ;) Wait – we’re supposed to be talking stuff right? Right, right.

Posh CC!! haha You know me too well. Almost all the emails are faked. But a couple are real questions I have been asked. I must look like an expert or something. I think it’s the glasses. And for the show name omg An Audience with Ardie is beautiful!! I will give royalties

Martie – someone fast! Martie needs CPR – is Epi or Vincent in the house?! :) Thanks for your always sweet support girl

JamaGenee :) thanks for stopping in!! HAHA Ooooh that poor fella next door doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into, does he? Perhaps you should tell him you don’t like the hose *wink wink* and that you haven’t always been a “girl”. Can you imagine the reaction to that one? Thanks for your wonderful comments and votes.

Hi robie2, Im so glad you thought this was funny – I was a little worried people would think I was being mean and insensitive…but good golly where has common sense gone these days? I mean, seriously…

Hi Tams!! haha I know there's plenty wrong with me - just ask my kids. I fear for the cost of therapy when they're teens. Im glad you laughed so hard but aim away from the hardware girl!! Thanks for reading :)


Candie V profile image

Candie V 4 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

I did stuff myself into this little ol' dress! That's 'stuff'!!!


iamaudraleigh 4 years ago

Ardie, you are blunt and to the point...impressive!!! You are so much better than Dear Abby! You made me laugh this morning! Reading your hub was a great thing to start off my day! Thank you!


ChristyWrites profile image

ChristyWrites 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Hehe you are funny! I like the part where you say seriously dude to the guy who has dated his girlfriend for 10 years and is wondering whether to marry her! LOL I like the Dear Ardie concept :)


Crazy Mags profile image

Crazy Mags 4 years ago

This is hilarious. I needed a good laugh!


molometer profile image

molometer 4 years ago from Cambridgeshire, England

Dear Ardie,

I think T-Bone is working in the gas station in town. He is a real flirt. No wonder he cannot get a date.

Those tats and the piercings while attractive to most women, do turn the squeamish off.

Who can deny the sweet smile of a full grill?

Okay enough already!

This was a hilarious hub Ardie, it tickled me pink.

Voted up and all the buttons. Sharing the joy.


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 4 years ago from California

Highlarious Ardie! you nailed this!


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 4 years ago from Canada

This is hilarious! I loved it, especially the creepy guy who misinterpreted the hug. I agree with Matthew -- let's have more of these!


Capedium profile image

Capedium 4 years ago from Texas.

Very Hilarious... But interesting at thesame time


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Oh my God that was hilarious! lol! hose, haha! and the smelly guy, the last time I met a smelly guy was at work, he nearly knocked me out with the pong! I was going to give him some deoderant as a hint, but thought better of it, brilliant! voted and shared nell


Blond Logic profile image

Blond Logic 4 years ago from Brazil

I suspect they are next week's guests on the Jerry Springer show. I thought I was the only one that attracted weirdos. I knew one guy that use to pick his scabs and eat them! He felt comfortable enough around me to do this, perhaps he needs to contact you so you can sort him out.

Funny hub, thanks for the giggles.


denisemai profile image

denisemai 4 years ago from Idaho

Hilarious. Great job. Especially the kids in the bubble part. I think I actually live by those parents. Really. And everywhere I move, they follow me.


brittanytodd profile image

brittanytodd 4 years ago from Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

This was enjoyable to read. You have a gift for writing humour. (I have a hard time with that.) Great work here! Voted up, etc.


Robert Erich profile image

Robert Erich 4 years ago from California

Yes! Ardie, you are so talented and hilarious. I am glad you are giving so many people good and humorous advice. I will certainly keep reading your material and might even have to ask for advice now and again... ;)


Just_Rodney profile image

Just_Rodney 4 years ago from Johannesberg South Africa, The Gold Mine City

I Like the idea, and as a member of hub pages think that it is about time we had an agony column. Well done.


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 4 years ago from USA

Very creatively done! Voted up.


Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK

Lol. I was bracing myself for some serious advice and then couldn't keep a straight face. That was so funny.

Cheers.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Candie, you’re so funny :P

Audra, Im glad I could make you laugh today! Me, blunt? To the point? Really, me? Heheh Only online where I can hide behind my name

Hello Christy :) isn’t it funny how some people just wont take that last little move after being with someone for so long? Heheh I love the Dear Ardie – I could right one a day if I had that many ideas!

Crazy Mags! Good to see you. Im glad you enjoyed the read :)

Molometer – my friend, hello! You KNOW T-Bone?! Oh please don’t mention I used his email as a Dear Ardie Hub. He does sorta creep me out with those tats and the full out grillz. Funny story – my daughter came up behind me and I was letting her read out loud the letter from T-Bone and I forgot he called the girls “hose” at the end! I wasn’t even going to explain that one. Heeey thanks for the votes and share

Hello Audrey, thank you! Im glad you enjoyed the read :)

Prarieprincess, hahah you like Dan huh? He saw your comment and wants to call you - is that ok? :P

Capedium, good to see you again! Im glad this one hit ya right.

Hello Nell Rose :) Thank you for such a great comment. Oh I can just picture you giving a stinky guy some deodorant…that’s priceless. I don’t recall the last time I was around a smelly man since I don’t get out much. Maybe Im smart like that!! Thanks for voting and sharing

Hello Blond Logic, HAHA next week on Jerry Springer – Desperate Dan goes after T-Bones mom :) Oh. My. Did you say – he ate his scabs?! Ooooh eeeew !!!! That’s an email for sure. Thanks for reading

Hello Denisemai :) I hear ya. I think I live by those parents too. I live in a nicer area where many of the people around me are doctors, dentists and many many nurses. Its funny because they go from one extreme of “Eh, it wont kill him – maybe” to “omg! Timmy bit his tongue again!!”

Hi brittanytodd! I saw your name in Cagsil’s interview Hub :) Im so glad you liked my Hub – and you even thought it was funny?! Im 2 for 2 ;) Thanks for the votes.

Oh Robert Erich, we all know I will never be as funny as you are in your Hubs! I haven’t had a single person mention pee’ing his or her pants. I bow down to you :)

Hi Rodney :) I am all over it – agony column. Advertise on HubPages…gotcha. Thanks!!

Hi schoolgirlforreal :) Thank you so much and for the vote !!

Hello Lady_E, sorry to trick ya :) But at least you got a good laugh out of it!


Angela Biggs profile image

Angela Biggs 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Ardie,

I love each line of this blog. You are so stunning. I mean the way you answer these wacky questions is hilarious. And the names you use are also great. I appreciate your patience for that. You are really cool and most importantly straight-forward. Now I will think twice before dropping a question to you.

Regards

Amazed Angela


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

hahah Angela! I will go easy on you if you drop me an email with a question - honest :) Im glad you enjoyed this. Maybe I should do a part 2 ...this one was so much fun!!


Kristen Haynie profile image

Kristen Haynie 4 years ago from Modesto, CA

I LOVED reading these! Real or not, they're hilarious. Your sarcastic responses are even better! Where can I find a link to "Dear Ardie"? I'd love to read more of this kind of stuff!


leni sands profile image

leni sands 4 years ago from UK

That was the best laugh I have had in a long time and something I really needed right now. If you have writer's block I'm a fluffy little kitten - not!

You are my kind of writer.

Keep up the good work and keep sharing these blogs - I will be thinking up a question I can ask you when my life returns to some sort of normality...

Thanks for sharing, thanks for writing, voted up funny, awsome, interesting


DanaTeresa profile image

DanaTeresa 4 years ago from Ohio

This is so funny! Love it... Oddly, I had a stalker in high school named Dan! He ised to come to my house and ring the doorbell and I would hide and ignore him. So he would go down the street and call from a pay phone. And when I didn't answer he would call all of my friends looking for me! Boy have you brought back some memories... Don't know why you had to be so hard on poor T-Bone. He eseems like quite a catch!.. Hope you decide to share some more!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Hi Kristen Haynie, Im glad to see you here! Aaw your comment is so sweet. This silly little Hub has gotten so much attention I think I will come back with a second Dear Ardie :) Lucky for me I have a huge store of sarcasm haha

Hello Leni! I love fluffy white kittens – hey why would you pull a trick on me?! Seriously I would love to have a question from you :) Im going to get a part two formatted and in the works this weekend. Gosh, let’s hope I can deliver now that the pressure is on hehe Thanks for the votes!

Hi Dana, oh my word! You had a DAN?! Oh poor girl… Your story about Dan is even funnier (and by that I mean creepier) than mine! Note to self: stay away from any Dan’s. Thanks for reading :)


HubertBarlow profile image

HubertBarlow 4 years ago from Florida, USA

Very informative hub Ardie! I gained lots of good advices from here which is very useful to safeguard my future decisions and actions. I hope I could join in here as your letter sender, if possible. Looking forward for more useful advices. More power!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Top class hub Ardie, had me giggling all the way through it. I would love to see the main site if this is anything to go by. Can you post a link to it?


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Thanks Misty! Im working on tidying up the layout before I let the blog loose on Facebook or HP :) Its very disorganized! Im so glad it got you to laugh.


xstatic profile image

xstatic 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

This is a riot! As someone mentioned above, real or not, this is one oof the funniest Hubs I have ever read!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

xstatic, thanks so much! Your comment means a lot to me because some people have the good looks, others have the brains - I just wanna be funny ;)


Jason Marovich profile image

Jason Marovich 4 years ago from United States

I can tell you, with all seriousness, that I like your advice better than Abby's or Ann Lander's. Nice to see someone saying what advice columnists should have learned a long time ago - some questions beg for a tongue-in-cheek reply. Well done.


SeamlessDestiny03 profile image

SeamlessDestiny03 4 years ago from Chi-city

This is absolutely fabulous!!!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Hello Jason :) I appreciate the comment and the vote of confidence. Now when I put up a part two I wont feel like a fraud!

Hi SeamlessDestiny - thanks!!


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

HA HA HA HA Ardie! I am a little (okay way) behind in my reading. I kept seeing this one shared on FB and never got to it until now. NOW I see why it was shared so much. It is awesome. I've always loved your humor and this is simply another confirmation that you crack me up.

Sharyn


rebeccamealey profile image

rebeccamealey 4 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

These are hilarious, "Dear Ardie". These guys could turn into short story characters!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Hi Sharyn :) Im just a little (ok a lot) behind on my reading too so I understand! Im glad to hear this one is getting shared lots - Im sorta proud of it. And then the fact that it cracked you up? Priceless!

Hi Rebecca! Thanks :) Could you imagine Desp Dan and T-Bone hanging together?


robie2 profile image

robie2 4 years ago from Central New Jersey

Dear Ardie leaves Dear Abbey--well dear everyone really-- in the dust. I love love love these columns of yours and now I know what I did wrong raising my kids-- of only I had put them in a plastic bubble and never let them see TV ROTFL--- more more more Dear Ardie please. Voting up funny and awesome


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 4 years ago from St. Louis

This was laugh-out-loud funny, Ardie! Or Ardicus Paulicus, I mean.


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 4 years ago from Tucson, Az.

This is the hub that made me decide to make old Ardie girl my wife, Christoph! laugh out loud (not so much)She's a smart one, that Ardie. Not only that, she can work long hours and has good teeth and strong feet.

jim


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Hi Robie! :) Im so glad I could help you out with your parenting problems. Now you can pass this knowledge of bubbles and PBS on for the benefit of the grandchildren! (Assuming you have those...) Thanks for reading and commenting. I will have to get a second issue of Dear Ardie out!

Hi Christoph :) Im glad you stopped in for a read and actually enjoyed this! You like my thug-name huh?

Jim, you're too much! You know it was the freckles that made you fall in love.


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 4 years ago from Tucson, Az.

"Jim, you're too much! You know it was the freckles that made you fall in love"

(speaking in animated voice) Oh Ardie, you are too much! You are such a cute little phony! The freckles were just a bonus and you know it. It was your true dysfunctional personality that sunk the hook. Don't get yourself in trouble here doo doo head. A simple ... will work. :)

~ jim


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Jim, it took you almost two weeks to respond to the comment I made. I am not happy with you right now. So for you: ...

Thank you for visiting this Hub and for taking the time to leave a comment. I wish you a happy and sunshine filled day. Namaste.


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

DearArdie..how did i miss this wonderful funny hub? I love it! I think i like the stalker the best..lol...i want to read more of these e mails...debbie


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 4 years ago from New York City

Hey Ardie, I would love to be part of your blog and be able to send you constant emails every day about my weird lifestyle I don't lead anymore, because I'm always online trying to write up a storm, LOL.

Nah I'm just kidding Ardie, your hub is so hilarious, you have a great sense of humor, awesome hub, voted up and out.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Hello Debbie :) Im so glad you liked this Hub! Desp Dan is quite the character, huh? Would you believe he is a real person who asked me about a girl and acted the same way? Scary isnt it?

Hello CE, thanks for reading, commenting, and voting! If you ever get a break from all that writing you just might bust all out and go crazy. Then Im afraid you really will need my advice. So lets just keep you writing, hm?


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

Dear Ardie: Happy Fourth of July and you are just fabulous says epi-man and sending you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time 4:29pm


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 4 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Hey! Uhhh,, forgot what I was going to say. Here's a ...

Fill in the blanks, _ _ _ _ _ o_ and want _ _ _ r _ _ _t _ _ _ e g_ _ f _. And I _ n _ _ y _ _ c_ _' _ _ _ _ t!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Hello Epi, its always so nice to see you on my Hubs =) I hope you had a happy and safe Fourth - wait...you dont do the Fourth do you?! hahah I still hope it was a happy one!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Oh, Jim -

You're such a card!

-Ardie


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 4 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Oh Ardie-

You're such a phony! Now handle this response the way you said you would, grrrrrrr :D


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Okay fine, I cant figure out the "fill in the blanks" so I will just assume you are saying I have a cute smile and you want to marry me :D


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 4 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Wellllllll ... uhhhh ... I'll jus tell you when you call. better that way! :)


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

...well hold on Ardie ......


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

..you are Ardie of Hotness .....


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

..and please check out my latest tribute to Sannel .... We had love and high tea ...


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Okay then Jim. Thanks for being so patient with me all the time =)


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland Author

On my way over Colin, Im sure it will be another great one!!


nina64 profile image

nina64 4 years ago from chicago, Illinois

Hello Ardie, your advice column is very good!!!! You very well could be the next Ann Landers or Dear Abby. It's amazing that people come to you for advice on such crazy topics. I'm almost falling over in my chair laughing at the people with their questions. On some of these questions, the answers are pretty obvious. How can you like someone who has body odor? Get a can of Sure.......hello!!!!!!! Or The Church Stalker.....beware the next time you go out!!!!! This is just too hilarious. Keep up the good work!!!!!! Voted up!!!!!!


tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

Dear Ardie,

I am in a committed relationship. My guy is fine, but his nose hair is about three inches long. We have had many arguments about this. Is it acceptable for me to whack it while he is sleeping? Anxiously awaiting your response.


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

Ardie,

You have found your Niche lady, so shoot for the stars---your answers are great with good common sense and funny.

Good Luck in whatever you do on your website.

Your Hub Friend,

Bobbi Purvis


nybride710 profile image

nybride710 4 years ago from Minnesota

Tammyswallow - Nose hair is an issue in my marriage, too. I was always telling him to trim it. I must be getting used to it because I can't remember the last time I said that. Your comment made me laugh.


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

I've been meaning to read this forever! It's so, so funny. heehee. I want more!


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

A great read Ardie.


GlstngRosePetals profile image

GlstngRosePetals 4 years ago from Wouldn't You Like To Know

WoW! That is everything i would love to tell people but have always refrained from doing so. I don't think i have laughed this hard in a very long long time. great writers block comeback. iys the shiznit of shiznits hub of dreams from stupid to bling bling and even a stalker in the tree.

Voted up and way to funny to pass up!!


prey profile image

prey 4 years ago from places you should hope we never meet

Voted way up

OMG I so needed this right now, you seem to continuously lift my spirits, thank you for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 3 years ago from Wales

Brilliant what a great read and here's to many more.

Eddy.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 3 years ago from Neverland Author

Aaah thank you Eddy, you are a doll :)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I almost pee my pants every time I revisit this:) I needed that laugh! Thanks!


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 3 years ago

Nonstop laughter.You have to make it for t.v.If you turn your ideas into a sitcom and show other sitcoms what real good humor is all about.You didn't have to use swear words or sex to get anyones attention.You had me following your every word.Great work and I hope many more to come.


nonameneeded 3 years ago

What a friggin' joke! You a relationship counslor, makes a person want to puke. Maybe you should jump off the bridge without a parachute..... just saying.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 3 years ago from Neverland Author

RHW, :) I need to get some new stuff out, huh? Thanks for coming back. Luv ya!

DREAM ON, wow...that was quite the comment :) even my insides are smiling. Can you imagine Ardie on tv?! I know I'd watch. Thanks for being so sweet.

NNN, let me offer YOU some advice my dear. Go home, take a long bath, treat yourself nice, and let go of some of that pent up...um - you know what. I hope it helps :) I know my advice isn't "for" everyone but I think I know what I'm talking about here. The hotter the water the better...just saying.


B. Leekley profile image

B. Leekley 3 years ago from Kalamazoo, Michigan, USA

Ardie, at the end of my recent hub 7 Creative Writing Rules _ Rule 7 I have a Links capsule of writing examples by hubbers who I think are good writers, and I included this hub.


xstatic profile image

xstatic 3 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

More Ardie, please...


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Ardie, this is the first time that I come across your hubs. This was pretty awesome and hilarious too! How can you date someone for 10 years and be expecting your third child and still question whether this person is the one or not. I know right.. I agree with your comment. And the other dude T-Bones spells hose instead of hoes, which is what I think he's trying to imply and that name definitely has to go. I found Creepy stalker the funniest of them all..


Kathryn Stratford profile image

Kathryn Stratford 3 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

That is funny!


Amber 3 years ago

I sent you a request on FB. Was wonder if you could help me out. I'm new to all of this stuff. A friend of mine is a follower of yours, her name is Janice. I've read some of your hubs and there all really good. Find me on FB or accept my request. I've sent request to other hub-page writers, hopefully someone can help me. Thank you

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