Diogenes' Sex Advice for Young Married Women

Plan to dissuade him from his amorous design!

"just a kiss my love!"   "Ah, but what comes next!?"
"just a kiss my love!" "Ah, but what comes next!?"

"Sex ain't what it used to be!"

Take that smile off your faces, you lot! Let’s get serious here.

First of all, the wedding ceremony during which the young bride will be symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for her needs the rest of her life.

There is a negative side. Then she will have to pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex and lust.

The shocking truth is that women of a certain type actually anticipate the wedding night with curiosity and excitement! Beware of having such an attitude!

If you have married a sensual, selfish husband, he may take advantage of any weakness on your part in the marital bed. This is just a duty, not something to which you should descend to lascivious pleasure!

You need to: Give the minimum, give grudgingly and, above all, give seldom!

Or your decent marriage will descent into an orgy of lust!!

But don’t be terrified: while sex at best is painful and revolting, it has been endured by women since the beginning of time and the bride should steel herself, meanwhile contemplating all the material benefits her union will accrue.

You must prevail upon your husband to cease and desist any advances after such union has been completed once - at least until the following afternoon. But don’t judge him too harshly at this time; men are beasts, as all women learn.

In fact, most men, if not controlled, might demand sex every day! The wise bride might permit two brief conjugal events each week for the first to months of marriage. As time goes by, she must make every attempt to reduce this licentiousness.

Feigning headaches and fatigue are your best weapons to avoid his advances. Fainting can be used as a last resort.

Arguing and bickering some time before you estimate his advances might start can be helpful.

A clever wife will be continuously on the alert to find new ways to forestall her husband’s disgusting advances.

The act should have been reduced to just once per week by the end of the first year of marriage - and to just once per month by the fifth year. Of course, should pregnancy occur, that will end sexual congress until after the child is born.

By the end of the tenth year, the sagacious wife will have birthed her children and reduced the need for any more useless and wearying sex.

His love of the family and work commitments to provide for you on a lavish scale should take the place of sexual thoughts in his mind.

Just as the bride will work towards reducing the amount of sexual acts, she will be on her guard for all sorts of perversions enjoyed by men at her expense.

These include actually mouthing the female body and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in return!

The male often uses trickery, such as discussing sex, showing nude and suggestive photos depicting sex, meanwhile trying to stimulate parts of the wife’s body, such as her breasts.

It is wise to never allow him to see your unclothed body, nor allow him to display his.

Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should only be practiced in total darkness.

It is useful to insist on both wearing thick, flannel pajamas which should never be removed in each others’ presence!

A wife should await her groom laying upon the marital bed in silence and without movement, which he might take as encouragement.

He may stumble in trying to locate her, perhaps bruising some part of his body, and become discouraged from his heated pursuit.

A wife should never attempt to move to make easy his entry, and should lie as still as death during the encounter. This will make him get over it as soon as possible and discourage him in the future.

This includes moving the face slightly so his impassioned and greedy kisses fall upon the cheek rather than the lips.

Any attempt by him to lift the pajama top should result in the bride leaping from the bed and insisting she needs the toilet.

Try to divert any conversation he may attempt about sex into more harmless trivia…the economy is sometimes a diverting subject for him.

It may be helpful to make bright remarks about the housework while he is grunting and puffing above her (never in any other position!!). She must be careful about emitting any groans or small cries of her own, which might inflame him.

As he tries to relax into the “petit mort” after his labors, the wise wife will nag him about things he has forgotten to do for her, or around the house. This will help him to see the marital chamber as a rather uncomfortable place; somewhere to get on with it; forget about it and stay away from in the future.

I must confess to some help with this article from:-

Ruth Smythers, the “beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers,” who had no intention of being amusing.

This was deathly serious advice for young wives in Victorian England and published in 1894!

(I think Diogenes, from a couple of thousand years earlier, would have had a much healthier outlook on sex, don’t you?)

And, girls, anyone trying the headache excuse on me in the future will get the “gorilla cage” treatment…thrown into a gorilla cage at the zoo and instructed to “Tell that mudderfricker you’ve got a headache!”

Credit “Sex Tips, by Ruth Smythers 1894

Reprinted by Summersdale Publishers 2008

 

 


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Comments 13 comments

Sophia Angelique 4 years ago

I do believe the old advice was, "Close your eyes and think of England." :)


chelseacharleston profile image

chelseacharleston 4 years ago

LOL @Sophia


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

(snicker!)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

Could not manage to take the smile off my face, and now, after the read, I will never be able to take it off ;))))


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

First the title scared me, then knowing you were writing it scared me more. As I read on I was shaking my head thinking what the .... Thank God those days are long gone. Well written and researched (at least I hope it wasn't written from experience).


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas

Have learned about this, and even crazier ideas and beliefs from the past, in my women's studies classes. Can make a person wonder how our species has survived for so long.


writeronline 4 years ago

What a sad indictment on the loss of such civilised conventions as these. Contrast Ms Smythers excellent advice to, "Give the minimum, give grudgingly and, above all, give seldom", with the way in which young *unmarried* women of today disport themselves so brazenly, rutting like rabbits, with no thought whatsoever of waiting for the sanctity of marriage.

But it must be said that this 'try before you buy' approach does have an upside, because tragically, an entire marriage can be reduced to a hollow sham, as a result of wedding night disappointment.

This verbatim wedding night excerpt comes from the follow-up edition of Ms Smythers book (which you may not have seen, diogenes..);

"My dear husband, I fear to confess I would not have agreed to your proposal of marriage had I been aware beforehand of the dimensional inadequacy of your organ."

"My darling wife, had I known in sufficient time to have withdrawn my proposal, I surely would have done so, given the realisation that has just become apparent. I believe my organ to be perfectly suitable for the task for which it is designed. But I had no inkling that I would be playing in a cathedral."


bell du jour profile image

bell du jour 4 years ago from Ireland

Oh dear!...what a sad miserable life Reverend L.D. Smythers must have had :-)


diogenes 4 years ago

hahahaha. Thanks everyone...and WOL, I haven't read the follow-up, but I will look for it. I can't help thinking the good Mrs Smythers may have been tongue in cheek herself. She would have had to do a good job in pretending, but there was, of course, plenty going on behind locked doors and I can hear the Reverend and her chuckling themselves Bob


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

Terrible experience? Since when? LOL

Great Hub!

The Frog


writeronline 4 years ago

Don't go out of your way looking for Mrs Smythers followup, Bob. I made all that up, just so I could tell a joke in 'contextual idiom'. (Gotta stop doing this, people take me seriously all the time..)

PS: Remember that great old country song,"Behind closed doors"?


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 4 years ago from Arizona

Bob, that was a bit funny and alot truer than I'd like to remember, I'll just add, "though rentals seem expensive, they are pretty reasonable in truth" think about it, ha!

dusty


lilyfly profile image

lilyfly 4 years ago from Wasilla, Alaska

Deus Ex Gladius Horribilus Ego. Doggone it, I severly hate to be told what to do, even in charming terms. How have I missed you heretofore Diogenes? If your looking for a man with pure heart, stop looking- that is pure myth. It is a woman you need for that business.We know the reins of the Gods... lily

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