Divorce Dirty Tricks--Restraining Order Abuse

Families in the Balance

Divorce affects families.
Divorce affects families.

How Restraining Orders Can be Abused in Divorce Proceedings

There is no question that divorces can get very nasty. Sadly, many divorce litigants employ a variety of "dirty tricks" to get tactical advantage during proceedings including filing questionable restraining order(s) against the other party. This is known as a form of restraining order abuse.

A restraining order is a court order limiting the contact of one individual with another or, as in a case involving children, several others. This includes direct physical contact, phone and mail contact, contact in the home, contact at work, etc.

History

In an effort to curb domestic violence and prevent harm to victims of it, various pieces of federal and state legislation have been enacted to protect victims in the last 20 years. While the intent of such legislation is to protect victims, they have also had the unfortunate effect of lessening the burden of proof required for litigants to request courts to intervene with restraining orders.

With the new legislation, judges are wary of being blamed for ill effects that may happen when a restraining order that is needed is not put into place. For instance, should a murder happen because a judge refused to grant a restraining order, backlash against that judge could be severe. Therefore, the current practice is for judges to enact the restraining order even if proof of the actual need for it is nebulous. In the words of one attorney I know, "they [judges] pass them out like candy".

Although it is an honorable intention of the law to protect those endangered, aggressive restraining order actions often preclude due process and are subject to abuse. In other words, mere accusations of fearfulness on the part of one party is often enough to enact restraining orders on another party who is not even present to defend himself or herself. Also, proof that the fearfulness is warranted is often lacking or even non-existent.

Many divorce attorneys have now added restraining order defense to their repertoires. In addition, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), has been involved in actions on behalf of citizens' civil rights when restraining orders are filed inappropriately.

Tragically, it is now commonly held that abusive restraining orders can be used to gain tactical advantage in divorce proceedings, harass those named in the restraining order, prevent them from seeing their children, and deny them their basic civil rights.

Effect of New Restraining Order Procedures

The effect of these new rulings when inappropriately applied include denying access of those accused to home and possessions, restricting visitation with children, destroying the credibility of those accused and incurring long and painful journeys through the court system. When respondants are denied property required for work, those accused may also face substantial financial loss .

When enacted, restraining orders often interfere with child visitation and a parent must weigh seeing their children with breaking the law. Children are often mystified as to why a parent suddenly seems disinterested in them while such orders or actions to dismantle them are ongoing. Sadly, this is subject to case load and often stretches into months or even years

While often unable to prevent such restraining orders from going into effect immediately, victims of restraining order abuse can spend months trying to cope with them or diffusing their adverse consequences. Restraining orders typically involve rules such as keeping some number of feet apart from those who the restraining order protects, contain rules about how children are visited, etc. Inadvertently breaking any of these rules constitutes a restraining order violation which can lead to arrest and jail time.

While litigants who request restraining orders are supposed to be liable if lying, proving a person does not have a sense of fear is often impossible in practice. In addition, divorce attorneys have been known to use restraining orders and the promise of lifting of them as bargaining chips during a divorce.

While more often used against men and now a hot topic for "Men's Rights" groups, these restraining orders can also be targeted at women. Sadly, children often suffer the worst fallout.

Ironically, in a divorce even the complainant can suffer monetarily if the respondant's finances become diminished enough to affect the final settlement or ongoing child support. The only ones who unequivocally benefit from the situation, regardless of what happens, are divorce attorneys.

One Man's Experience

One man, Ron Lasorsa, is a poignant example of an ordinary father accused falsely in a restraining order by his former wife. Blindsided by this false restraining order, he suffered:

  • Estrangement from his children (including mandated parental supervised visits)
  • An emotion-filled legal battle
  • Extremely expensive legal bills
  • A fight to clear his name and defend his reputation
  • The denial of access to his rightful property (including firearms).

He has detailed in an e-book (which I cannot promote as it is through Clickbank) his desire that nobody else suffers the pain he went through. (Hubpages declares that ClickBank abuses their Terms of Use.)

Conclusion

Legislation reducing the burden of proof and lifting the requirement of those accused in restraining orders proceedings to be present has created a situation that is ripe for abuse.

The nastiness and fallout of such abuse often increases exponentially if there are children involved who do not understand what is going on. Case load contention in the courts often cause substantial delays making effects on all involved far reaching, indeed.

While such legislation was enacted with the intention of protecting those endangered by abusive spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends, these restraining orders are often given only cursory attention by judges before being rubber-stamped into place. Changes that were meant to prevent abuse ironically has now become a tool of abuse.

See also Restraining Order Abuse 101 and Restraining Order Abuse versus the Bill of Rights

More by this Author


Comments 73 comments

daytripeer 6 years ago

There is a lot to ponder on this. It seems to me some compromise would be in order, such as, supervised visiting rights with their children, in another location, as long as there is no danger to the kids.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

Sure, when there IS warrented danger. See http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1999/10/25/restra...


daytripeer 6 years ago

I read the article you linked to and all I can say is, wow!


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

When divorce attorneys begin to offer "restraining order" defense, then that is a clear sign something is wrong.


ctjanuary01 6 years ago

My Understanding is that ROs are used to separate one party from kids and the one who is to be the ex. It sound like it is not done very well at all for the childern.


John  Lakewood profile image

John Lakewood 6 years ago from Lakewood, CO

restraining orders are a way to limit a parents access to kids. social workers are supposed to evaluate the session in often less than helpful ways.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

My take on the situation is that a whole industry of social workers has sprouted up to provide "supervised visitation" when a restraining order is in place.

This is not as nefarious as the industry of lawyers that has sprouted up, but is definitely NOT ideal because these social workers want to insure they have future work, so why would they want to say "yes, this parent is competant."


Bella DonnaDonna profile image

Bella DonnaDonna 6 years ago from New Orleans, LA

I know that having a restraining order put on you can affect you being able to get employment. I read sometimes people sue for libel when somebody puts a restraining order on them because not doing that means job choices are limited.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

I do believe restraining orders are public, so they can be searched. This could affect employability, maybe.

The choice to sue for libel, that should be done on attorney's advice about your chances to win, I think.


allie8020 profile image

allie8020 6 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area, California

A friend's ex-wife used this dirty trick to inflict a lot pain and get more money during their divorce -- it's a disgusting trick! Thanks for the great hub, Laura.


Johanna Smith profile image

Johanna Smith 6 years ago from Fort Collins, CO

I wonder why people would be so mean during a divorce. I'm glad my parents are still friends. They didn't go for the throat like somem epople do...


SMcK2010 6 years ago

I just posted on another link about ROs and divorce, but they aren't just used in divorce. They can be abused in family disputes...as me and my husband learned after being served with one from his sibling. I am on a mission to bring this abuse of the judicial system to the attention of people in Denver. Did you know that the person who gets the Temporary Restraining Order is not required to appear at the permanency hearing?? Yes, that's correct! You are required to spend an entire day (usually) in court, only to have the TRO dropped because the accuser does not show up. The procedures need to be changed and all parties should be required to appear at the hearings, period.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

Yes. This is called sumarily apporved justice. just ice. yepper. no defense.

when i am well, i am HEARILY objecting!


SMcK2010 6 years ago

To Belladonna and posts about suing for libel:

I was advised by my attorney that civil court (which is where you file such a lawsuit), can be VERY costly, as this will most likely mean you are hiring an attorney, private investigators, etc. The route that we are trying to take is to have the person criminally charged for committing perjury in order to get the RO and using the courts to harass us (be sure to look up perjury & abuse of power laws in your state!). Having someone prosecuted for a crime does not entail you hiring an attorney, etc. The State is the one who handles it.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

I understand one man spent FIVE years pursuing libel. Costly in attorney's fees AND his TIME.

One of my concerns is that the "accused" is not permitted to face the "accuser" and present their side, which I believe was designed into the Constitution. (Not sure.)

Plus, the "accused" possessions are summarily withheld from him/her.


SMcK2010 6 years ago

Well from the get go, you are "screwed" for lack of a better word, for two reasons: 1) The order is obtained with out you being present or knowing and 2) because no judge wants to deny an order and then have his or her name splashed on the paper when someone is killed and was denied a protective order in their courtroom. They will err on the side of caution, period. My question is: are these people even questioned about inconsistencies or things that don't make sense in the application for the PO?

Truly, the process needs to be changed. A detective flat out told me that restraining orders are abused so often, he believes you should have to file a police report PRIOR to getting an order. That's what I would do if someone hit me or threatened to kill me....I'd call the police first. The fact that someone would wait a day or two and then mosey on down to the courthouse speaks volumes about the validity of the statements, in my opinion.

Does anyone know if there is a movement in Denver for this issue? I'd love to know.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

Not in Denver that I know of. Ron Lasorsa and some others have advocated it. restrainingorder911.com

http://DivorceCures.com has some information. And you can google "restraining order abuse". There is a Wikipedia page on it with some resources.

DivorceCures.com is unlike any other divorce support resource available on the web today for three reasons


A. N 6 years ago

I found this searching the web for how restraining orders and visitation can work together. i have just gotten a restraining order on my ex we have two kids im sure he personally feels he is like the example listed in this story but i really didn't want it this way i just couldn't live my life with the constant declarations of love posted in the internet the txt msgs and calls when he finally figured out where i lived ( because i refused to tell him and when he was visiting his kids i would take them somewhere else to be picked up and dropped off) but when he did find out he placed a bag of mc donalds and a fake flower in my front door well i wasn't home. Unlike the above guy i feel i have every right for my restraining order i dont want to prevent him from seeing his kids i want to prevent him from causing me constant stress. there seems to be no research on how restraining orders and visitation work together


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

Dear A. N,

Please do not misunderstand me that all restraining orders are unwarrented or abusive. Those who are truly in abusive situations, AS IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU MAY BE IN, do need the RO to avoid abusive harrasment, harm to your children, etc.

"Supervised visitation" is usually a service paid by the person named in a RO that can be VERY expensive. So expensive that many cannot afford it to see their children.

There may be less expensive or even FREE supervised visitation available in your area if money is a barrier.

I commend you for being concerned about your kid's relationship with their father, but if he is potentially harmful, that visitation SHOULD be supervised.

I will see if perhaps I can do an article on how ROs and visitation work together, but much of that depends on what is available locally. Expensive visitation does often lead to parental alienation.

A site with more information I recommend is Divorce Cures at http://www.divorcecures.com/

I wish you the best of luck and feel free to contact me with the "Contact Laura in Denver" link to send me email.


Kimberly  6 years ago

I'm soon to be married 12 days before my wedding my dad files a temporary restraining order against my mother. 6 days before my wedding my mother gets served and the hearing is after my wedding. This upsets me greatly, and is unfortunate my parents stoop to low levels just to get back at the other. Neither one may be attending at this rate.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

I am sorry to hear about this this cloud over what should be a joyous time in your life.

Sadly, ROs are WAY TOO EASY TO GET:

http://www.avvo.com/legal-guides/ugc/false-complai...

It is a horrendous example to you, a person just getting married, about how nasty married or divorced persons can be to the one they once loved.


DrkKnightBatman 6 years ago

Bella DonnaDonna and Laura, no offense but you need to get your info right and not just gossip and guess about job employability with a protection order.

From my years worth of research there are lot's of different situations in how it can prevent you getting certain types of jobs. For example if you are charged with a domestic violence crime and then given a protection order it will definitely hurt you in your job search.

My situation is kind of different, first I graduated from college 2 years ago and after I was let go from my first job, I was issued a PPO for being suicidal last year from me being truthful and co-operative with an EMT on the way to the hospital that if I had thoughts of hurting some people from my previous employer who I felt contributed to having me lose my job. I was let go from the job I feel from workplace retaliation due to 2 complaints I made about two cutthroat co-workers.

Then the court hearing was very unfair in my county as I had no chance to defend myself. I will not reveal my county due to my fear of me somehow getting into trouble again just for telling the hell I am currently experiencing.

I still am terrified it will hurt me in a future job search. In fact for about the last year I have been unemployed due to almost (I feel) another nervous breakdown due to the stress of dealing with this PPO. I have spent most of my months bedridden, depressed, taking nervous breakdown medications, and I am terrified of job rejection due to a background check.

I have no criminal record and the only thing I can do is get the guts to apply for jobs and try to ignore the tough economy and lots of applications rejection and don't think it's connected to the PPO. I think I will get something eventually, with leaving off the former horrible employer on my resume and also that potential employers don't do thorough background checks (where they won't look at civil records).

Also, it's been about a year since I was given the PPO and I already am proving that I am not a threat and I never will be a threat to the former employer. There that's my story, now onto my research.

Anyways, I have asked many lawyers on justanswer.com about my situation. From over 4 different opinions and since I was not charged with any criminal charges I should be fine with normal corporate jobs with normal background checks. I have even gone to some background check companies for big businesses like hireright.com which CU Boulder uses and they don't go that in depth.

Now I can't work high security types of jobs like the government, the police, the military, be a teacher, a nurse, be the CEO of an established company, ect. which makes since for now but someday I can once I get the PPO lifted.

I have about 3 more years to wait to be eligible to get this lifted and since I don't have the money anyways and I know it is a waist of time and money I can't and I won't fight it. I also will have to be fingerprinted to be in their system when I apply to get it lifted even though I have never committed a crime.

I think the best thing to do is for voters to write your congress, senate, govenor, attorney general, and make sure you vote for someone who is for changing this major problem that seems just as bad as having a criminal conviction. Mass has already fixed it. I tried even writing the FBI, and the white house, but I got no response.

So it's worth a try, but if the government could care less about it's people suffering during this recession, they won't care about changing protection orders to be more fair.


lostitall 6 years ago

I have had two orders of protection filed against me. Because of the order I missed my daughters 10th birthday, the first one I have ever missed. The order was filed on August 24th, my daughters birthday was on September 1st. I had to see the kids councilor in order to see my kids again. My wife set it up on the September 2nd. I was able to see my son and daughter for 10 min. each during the appointment. I was then allowed to see them for 15 min. at their school open house. I was informed yesterday that I have to go see a councilor before I can get any visitation. Now I have to come up with some sort of explanation to my children as to why I haven't seen them more than an hour in over 2 weeks. These orders in some cases destroy lives.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

DrkKnightBatman and lostitall,

I think it is vital to lobby to overturn or modify both state and federal laws that make these ROs so easy to get with negligible proof. Recent proposals are that a better criteria must be met before a judge slaps on a RO or PPO.

The impact on persons whom these orders restrict is immense, long-term and currently takes place without due process as supposidly guaranteed by the Bill of Rights. (See http://hubpages.com/t/1085c5 )

You both have my best, but I do suggest putting up a fight for your fair rights.


lostitall 6 years ago

Do you know of a way to find out what law firm typically use this as a strategy. Like law firm A had 12 cases they filed 10 ROs. Law firm B had 10 cases and filed 5 ROs. The law firm that my wife is using also represented our neighbor who filed three RO's against her husband. I would like to know if there is a way to see if there is a trend to this particular law firms strategy.

Because of the orders of protection filed I still have not been able to see my kids. It will be three weeks on Monday with only 1 supervised visit with my children's counselor. I was ordered to see a counselor for anger before I can get any visits, I have done that. Now the earliest I will be able to see my kids is the weekend of September 17th, 18th and 19th. I have been allowed phone calls, to which the entire conversation is monitored by their mom, and I am questioned endlessly about when will they see me next and why can't they come to my apartment. My daughter is also very angry with me about missing her birthday. She thinks that I don't celebrate birthdays anymore, the first order of protection was filed two days before my 40th birthday. The second a week before my daughters 10th birthday.

If anyone knows how to find out what law firms use this as a strategy to get the upper hand please let me know. I spent the last meeting with the lawyers getting verbally abused by my wife's lawyer, to the point that the GAL assigned to our case got up and walked out. You think that this would be a good thing, I thought she left because of the abuse. She apparently left because she felt this all was deserved and the blatant lies were enough to order me to go to anger counseling before I can see my kids I am on my last leg here and almost out of options, and definitely out of money. If anyone has a way to show that this is a strategy as opposed to necessity please let me know.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora Author

Dear lostitall,

Sadly, RO Abuse is rife because it is so abusable. Nobody should be assumed guilty and have to prove their innocence, but that effectively CAN happen with these ROs and why I suggest Ron Lasorsa's e-book which he created with the help of a LAWYER.

I am not a lawyer, but I would think you COULD look for a pattern of suspicious ROs from your ex-spouse's law firm. ROs are documents in the public domain at your local county clerk's office--I think.

Also, be aware that some states have additional laws that erode the rights of the accused. Please see http://www.mediaradar.org/docs/RADARreport-Ranking... to find the situation in your area.

If you can prove your ex-spouse wrongfully accused you or purjured herself, you can file a suit against her. A man named DaddyJustice won such a FELONY case.

I wish you the best of luck and hang in there.


California Divorce Documents 5 years ago

I agree it is dirty pool to bring a questionable restraining order. In California a lot of women bring them and if it sticks it does put the man on the defensive. Sometimes it even threatens the restrained party's job security. Mostly it affects child custody and that's just a shame. In some states I think there may be statutes that let you get sanctions if you can prove the other party brought the order to get an unfair advantage in a custody battle.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 5 years ago from Aurora Author

It's pretty amazing also the amount of animosity generated by what could have been a more cooperative divorce, not to mention wasted money.

Thanks!


wayne  5 years ago

why does it take 2 weeks for a vpo to go into effect


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 5 years ago from Aurora Author

The VPO takes effect as soon as it is served.


Yanoush Vasp 5 years ago

First let me address that divorce is a growing problem. It is said to be under control only in countries where it is legally restricted. According to psychotherapists, causes of divorce may include communication problems, problems of authority, unrealistic expectations, and sexuality. Other possible reasons are absence of loving feelings, conflicts of values, personality problems, marital infidelity, lack of affection, money issues, abuse toward a spouse and/or children, alcohol and other drugs, and homosexuality. Fortunately though, divorce can be prevented. One way of doing this is to do a personal


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 5 years ago from Aurora Author

Will? Yes, my ex was entirely too interested in MY MONEY, the spounge.

Also, a pre-nuptual will help. Hands off, Buddy!


Bella DonnaDonna profile image

Bella DonnaDonna 5 years ago from New Orleans, LA

With respect to money, what prevented the sponge from earning his own?


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

I have no idea. His idea was to drink heavily, cook sometimes and be a house cleaner, which I could have paid $8/ hour for.

My dream was to pursue writing.

I enabled him. Big mistake.


Dominick Allen 4 years ago

My wife was successful in attaining an order for protection for a year. Now I just received my half of certificate of dissolution. Fact is I still love her deeply. Does it matter if I sign?? How do I delay or block divorce. I do not want a divorce. Or does that matter,what are my rights?? Please send comments to dominickallen1@gmail.com Thank You!!!


Jeremy 4 years ago

What can you do to keep an ex-husband from constantly personally attacking my fiancé, his ex, on texts and voicemails? I have talked to him, her father has talked to him, and she has told him repeatedly to stop. what steps can we take to stop the attacks?


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

I'm not really sure what you are asking. Plus, the blasted states always do things differently, so you may require legal help.

It sounds as the the RO was temporary if it was to expire in one year. This is a good thing! Or some states have limits on how long "permanent RO's" last, but the least I have heard is 7.

I believe you are talking about the decree of divorce. When one of a couple wants a divorce, there is generally nothing to stop it. You might be able to hinder the dissolution (by getting some convoluted lawyer to do something and paying big $$), but a determined person will jump through any hoops to get divorced.

The fact that a RO was granted already will make you appear badly to a judge or magistrate, fairly obtained or not.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

To Dominick

A person determined to get a divorce will do so regardless if you sign to dissolve or not. You may make it more difficult for that person, but to a judge or magistrate, the fact that a RO was granted against you makes you look like the faulty party. Sorry.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

I assume you mean his ex-wife?

He must obtain a restraining order naming her as defendant and himself as plaintiff. He can name others affected by her (you, your Dad) and specify what if any type of communication is acceptable. None to you and your Dad could be reasonable.

Don't erase any texts or voicemails, because they are evidence of harrassment, a.k.a. stalking. Keep a log, because judges and magistrates have tremendous caseload and need evidence presented logically and concisely.

Usually, a Temporary RO is given first, but an option for permanent one can be issued later.

Think trhough what you really want, because if children are involved, some coordination method should be established. An adequate suggestion might be e-mail to which he must respond in 3 or 4 days.

I know of a case specifying email, but there was no stipulation of a response at all! Unfair to children!

Sadly, all of this varies by state. You may want to get a lawyer, but if no kids are involved, I don't see why.

My state grants TRO (temp ones) free in cases of stalking or domestic abuse. Otherwise they cost $80. Plus the Sherrif's office in my county usually agrees to serve the document for free in domestic abuse or stalking. Having papers served privately costs plenty.

Still, your STATE and COUNTY make the rules. Call your county's civil court to see how to proceed. Hire a lawyer if you have money and no time to sort out the details.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

Sorry on comment above, I think I got the offending party wrong.

Anyway, obtain evidence of stalking (this case) or domestic abuse. Such evidence may make RO filing and paper service free, otherwise expect a fee.

Present your evidence in a clear manner (dates and consistent timelines help and phone records help). Call phone companies for assistence, as emotions and fear make memories unreliable for the stress.


Hosed 1 4 years ago

Ironically i am currently in this exact position. I have aspergers and my reactions to stress are very predictable. When i found out my wife was pursuing a relationship with another man i started doing research on our computer history. She was researching this stuff including womens advocates. I have never abused my wife. She is very controlling of me! Inevitably after begging for counseling for 3weeks to no avail she got me to react and i stated i was thinking of suicide. I am now out of the house with no possessions, i cannot see my kids, i have no car, she is violating to no contact and baiting me knowing i cannot resist, i cannot make money and she is free to pursue her new facebook romance. He has even come to my house to watch my kids! This is a total abuse of the system and it sickens me. I feel totally violated and she is stating that she is afraid of me! I also believe that she has bipolar disorder and there is nothing i can do to protect my kids from her twisted attack of me. I know she is trying to justify her actions to friends and family but, most of them know the truth.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

Friend, NEVER state you are contemplating suicide. Every state is different, but many use that to automatically push through a restraining order, no other evidence required.

Rremember, each state is different, so any legal help is advisable. I recommend you start with "kids come first coalition" at http://www.divorcecures.com/ , info:

By Mail: 1398 Brooklyn Blvd., Bay Shore, NY 11706

By Phone: 1-631-328-2393

By Email: kidscomefirstcoalition@gmail.com

File a lawsuit to get your money, even if you have to do it alone. Divorcecures.com might be able to step up in such an emergency. If you get your car, you can live in it, but DO NOT trespass on commercial property.

Now, first, you can be of no help to anyone unless you can survive yourself. Seek a shelter in your area. Seek help with your diagnosis, which should get you at least partial disability. Seek friends that will help with homelessness, but expect to pay them in some way--housework, whatever.

Get a "police assist" to get your rightful possessions. Get only the ones you need most--you may have store them.

Otherwise, get what you need to recreate a minimal life. Understand, scumbags like to sell things, so try to get your car ASAP!

Call the Kids Come First Coalition at

Your case is complicated and you need a lawyer, not just for divorce, but because she threatens your life by denying you your property. The RO means she can squat on your possessions indefinately until "police assist" is legally made.

There are free attorney services, or go to one that will do pro-bono or work on contingincy. See Mental Health agencies, also.

Friend, I cannot offer specific advise because state law varies so much! Plus, I am not a lawyer. I researched and published what I found out after an extremely traumatic ordeal of husband squatting on wife's necessities. No knowledge of helpful area resources, etc.

I write later on this. Best to you friend. Start calling and lining up some local, immediate support.


Hosed 1 4 years ago

Thank you for your advice i am going to take it to heart. How did you know that she stole my money too? Are you psychic? She transferred $2260 out of our account into another one of hers. Leaving me destitute i guess was insult to injury aside from when i cancelled our netflix account and the movie she had was catfish. I went to court today for an arraignment and she did not show up. My public defender did wonder why there were no provisions for me to see my kids or get my possessions. Her advocate was obviously ashamed and turned red and would not look at me. They are not dropping it unless she files the ppw and she is lying saying that she cannot. She in fact can i was informed. This whole thing is turning me inside out and i think she is enjoying it. I really feel that she is sick.I am staying with my parents about 80 miles away now and they are helping me the best they can but, they are in their 70's and this is all very hard on them. I am really confused as to why she would attack me in what seems to be only a purely evil way. I have honestly never done anything to deserve this malicious treatment. I would not have even fought her about custody or possessions. I just have a broken heart about my family. It just seems sick! I know it is so she can do whatever she wants without having to answer to anyone. She just flushed me down the toilet. I guess she will only have to answer to a higher power in the end for her actions. She has everyone else bamboozled! How could someone do this and believe the are justified in their actions? She is truly acting in a wicked way. It may be july before i know what will happen i was informed. I am being railroaded and i feel so hopeless in all of this. My ability to pick up the pieces will be gone by then. No wonder people go off the deep end. I want to go live in a cave right now. I do not have much faith in the system or humanity. I guess there are still afew good people like you. Thank you.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

Yes, the state make a huge difference, plus solid PERSERVERENCE on the part of anyone accused of what they did not do.

Sadly, a lot of "Defense Attorneys". esp. "Public Pretenders" (excuse me, that was supposed to be Public Defenders) want to to cop a plea so they can get their bonus or fee and move on to the next one!

Proving the other party is wrong is hard. I may write a hub on this. It has been done before, though. See http://daddyjustice.com/wp/ for some examples. Google daddyjustice's own melodrama, which ultimately ended up on his ex-wife's record.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

Hosed 1,

You are in a state of shock, which will SUBSIDE. Your ability to pick up the pieces will come with your solid resolve to see this ugly issue through until you have access to your kids and righful assets.

The fact that she failed to show up in court looks REALLY BAD and REALLY to your advantage. Generally, you will be using the same judge or magistrate and they REMEMBER such things, usually by their court notes. If another happens to fill in or new one is reassigned to your case, hopefully those notes are good.

Ask about getting the court notes. It may cost some money, but prove very useful to you. Your lawyer may want possession of them to control you. Lawyers are supposed to be their client's advocates, however, there are few that act as honest as their fat paychecks would suggest!

I grew up in a loving family, MOSTLY. There was yelling and banging cabinets. My parents went through a particularly difficult time, but stuck it out. This is not the usual case anymore.

I was in dreamland that my marriage would be like that. I found out, kind of through the back door that my ex-husband was unsatisfied with his attorney AFTER defraying my and his assets. The classic sham attorney chasing the allmighty dollar.

My ex is the classic sucker who thinks a degree proves everything. All that guy had to do was apply the grease which amounts to a good con job.

Try to use self-calming. Try to calm your parents, who will feel calm IF YOU DO. Note how you have been treated and be well aware, your soon to be ex is either a con or just plain stupid. The only ones worth caring about are your kids.

The system is flawed. There is not a law on the books that has not somehow been misused. Humanity is flawed, which is established in many religious books.


J-Bear 24 4 years ago

In New York they hand out orders of protection like Kleenex.

It is totally unfair and how in a court system built on due process can someone be accused of something they didn't do with out a question asked by the judge. I lost my daughter, house, all my belongings, money that I made by working hard, car, and the woman gave my dog away which I later stole back. This happened in about 10 minutes. Again didn't get the chance to defend myself and it was funny she tried to file divorce under cruel and humane treatment but it got thrown out by the very judge who handed me the order of protection. I guess you need proof of abuse for a divorce? I got a contempt charge when I yelled at the judge for ruining my life over lies. It was worth it. Fathers rights group fight for the next guy it happens too, is men are being abused by the family courts on vindictive women it needs to stop


Mike 4 years ago

But in the end it is the innocent children who get hurt by women who abuse the system. When you look at the abuse factor it's the woman is really the abuser cause afterwards they tell lies and tell there children that there dad doesn't want to see them and there dad doesn't care about them. So to all the guys who have been screwed by the women and the judges move on with life, you can't control it so live your life and cut them out, cause one day when these women see there mistake and have unruly kids and can turn your back and say its not my problem you got what you wanted. It's not worth the fight to see your kids. Hate to say that. I moved 600 miles away, now I get the call that I'm an awful person for moving. No you ruined my reputation with your lies I don't see my child so why would I stay you cut me loose and by the way I'm off to have fun at the beach.

I do pay my child support and am current always will be. But I still have a life


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

I also believe there needs to be better proof of danger. There is an article on "Domestic Contretemps" somewhere that describes how average arguing is often mistaken for abuse.

Best of luck, friend. I don't advise to yell at judges, however.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

It is pathetic when either parent comes between the relationship of their child with the other parent.

I, however, have alienated my children by saying I will not "sugar coat" questions they ask me. It is very difficult to disguise true animosity, particularly in long relationships with many mutual experiences.

Hopefully, you can restore some of your children's relationship later, send for them or other connection.


Jenine DiConti 4 years ago

What was not mentioned here is how the victim must also lose time with their child if they must file a restraining order against the custodial parent. I am not able to see my daughter or even talk to my daughter on the phone because the father "is just obeying the order of protection". This is not the case at all. My daughter always answered the phone when I called before. Now he turns the volume off so she cannot hear the phone ring or the voice message machine clicking on with my voice to let her know its me so she can pick up the phone. He has basically "punished" my daughter Madison and I for doing what was my right to do s a victim of his violence and mental abuse.He has custody in this small rural town for no legal reason and no reason at all that benefits our daughter since he is never home and leaves her with babysitters. he also does not give me the opportunity to come pick up our daughter on a Saturday night when he wants to play poker. Restraining orders are not easy on anyone especially the victim who must always look behind her back because the abuser is not afraid of the law. That's why I had to get the order in the FIRST PLACE. Things get worse not better and there is no penalty for perjury in a family court which is dangerous.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

My Friend Jenine,

I have a friend who says that, "There has never been a law that has NOT been abused."

It is a tragedy when abusing technology (phone), the child's incomprehension of the situation (ignorance and youth, NOT stupidity) and the clogging of the court system is to blame for misuse of the law.

The legal system also dislikes putting children on the stand to testify, a scary thing, even as an adult! Then you have the other benefactors, such as transfer of child through an agency (wih a large fee), "child psychotherapy", which such agencies wish to continue forever.

There IS penalty for purgery, however with two conflicting accounts and a confused child, judges tend to dismiss.

I have lost much time with my daughters, a lot of it being certain the right position will prevail. The DOCUMENTED position prvails in a court of law.

Document everything. And keep track of judge/magistrate and lawyer records. Some are far more savvy for money, especially with lack of adult witnesses.

Changes to these laws are VERY NEW and some will travel up the ladder to Supreme Courts on a case by case basis.

Best of luck. Progrress through the legal system goes at a snail's pace.


Dennis 4 years ago

They need to change the law all together, I have been seriously abused by my wife when I was at home, and now she is using the court system to continue it and using my kids as bait to have me violated all the time. It is wrong, it needs to be fixed and she needs to be prosecuted for abusing me threw the court system.


Karriem 4 years ago

I too have been vitimized by this vicsious trap. However, there are no children involved in my case, also there is no divorce. We were just together, girlfriend and boyfriend. Had a nasty argument that esculated and actually involved her hitting me but she lied. Went to the police station filed a report accusing me of hitting her. Long story short I was arrested, spent 3 weeks in jail and was slapped with a restraining order. Consequently, I have lost my 2 jobs, had to transfer to a different college, and have been homeless since. This happened six months ago. I have no access to my personal property, computers, clothes, ID, SScard, birth certificate, tax forms etc. Keep in mind, this was my place and she is using my possessions everything from microwave to the bed she (and he, possibly) sleeps on belongs to me.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

Hi Dennis,

The KidsComeFirstCoalition is seeking to change laws. Sadly, this is a long process.

Sadly, there is no qualification for being a parent.

Still, regardless of your income, you may be able to get pro-bono legal help. The worst problem is that laws vary from state to state, leaving many at a disadvantage. Public attorneys are faced with so many cases that they cannot specialize.

I would work toward a "plan" to reconcile with your kids and worry about prosecuting her later unless you have solid dirt, like drugs in the home, or mistreatment of the children.

Believe me, your kids DO want to see you. Make sure you are able to maintain contact, not just through your wife or ex-wife. Under no circumstances, agree to have access by e-mailing her! A major trap since e-mails can be ignored, filtered, etc.


Just me 4 years ago

I have been going to court trying to see our 3 kids 8-5-4 years old, court after court, on 5-9-2012 judge told me you already have muinte order to see kids on 4-24-2011, which is year ago, but they (court) miss placed this order, so I got the court order to see my kids, and the mean time I cant call text or see my kids, cause my wife did not want me to see OUR kids, I did everything court ask me to do from the start, all what I can say

only prayer can help,

The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me, GOD got my back, believe it and you will see it.

need ur prayer

God bless


GG 4 years ago

I have veery bad situation now. I am very concern that if I post here , He may see it and against me. Would you please let me know how to contect you?? Thanks. This order is abused in my case!


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

You need to insist on a hearing in court in which you prove ownership of your residence (county assessor's office). Before this, you need to re-obtain your vital records ASAP! There are agencies that specialize in this, often for free!

In my area, I can call 2-1-1 to find such agencies. Local librarians are also very knowledgable, if that is unavailable.

If you know your City Counselperson, call them. They are almost always listed on the Internet. Your librarian can help, believe me. Be sure they are employed by the library and not a volunteer or community service worker.

Does your family have access to any of these things? I was able to get my stolen birth certificate by calling the county of my birth, stating the reason I needed it (stolen) and providing information few people know--Mom and Dad's full names, why I was born there (away from normal residence), etc. Plus providing $20 for the certified certificate.


GG 4 years ago

Hi, Laura

I need to help out, it is very urgent..but if I post here, would you plese don't let it in the public?? Thanks


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

Many moronic parents do no want their child to have a relationship with the other as the nastiest kind of spite and disregard for the children as well. In addition, the state in which you reside and judge/magistrate you get assigned make a huge difference.

Perusing the Web yourself can give you a great idea of what you are up against, both in lawyers and judges. On eHow, you can ask questions

specific to your state.

Sadly, you must follow the stipulations or face jail time. See KidsComeFirstCoalition.com and "Daddy Justice", who actually

nailed and jailed his wife for lying.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

Don't use any computer he uses--go to the library. Get your paperwork in order and if you need judicial ($$$ and knowledge) help contact your state/county or city public defender.

Some states also have something like "Project Safeguard", which was enormously helpful to me. ljdeibel@gmail.com or I am on LinkedIn and Facebook, Laura Deibel.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 4 years ago from Aurora Author

I think Hubpages is very security conscious. They will hinder someone trying to get information on their server.

Ditto Facebook. Don't use an email name that makes it obvious who you are. Experts who know how to do this are usually expensive or bright kids who may not act with discretion.

Sorry for late response! Short "vacation".


false restraining order against mom in CT 4 years ago

i had this happen to me a year ago. my husband falsely tried to arrest me adn then falsely filed a restraining order at 4 p.m. on a holiday weekend. i fault the judge entirely for signing off and not asking for more evidence other than the perjured sworn affadavit claiming he was in fear for his life ( i am 5'2" adn he is 6' 3") the judge should be held accountable. i had to hide for 10 days with my kids and flee for fear he would take the kids away due to this dirty trick. i fault his lawyer for offering the book of dirty tricks men use to gain advantage in divorce. they have continued to use every trick inte book- psych evaluations of the kids and i, deposition of the psych evaluator when they did not like the final report which said i was a good mom and he was an abuser...and let's add he took sole posession of our home which my father paid the down payment for. these men are weak and use emotional and financial abuse to get their way. these men, the judges and lawyers are cowards and need to be disbared immediately so they do not continue this egregious abuse of domestic violence laws,


chad white 4 years ago

I was blindsided by my ex.

I am a military veteran. I had a clean record. I graduated second in my class in the police academy.

I never raised a hand to my ex... EVER..

I never yelled at her in the 20years we were together.

I did yell at her and punched a wall when I found out she was messing around with my best friend from the police academy.

I was served with protection order papers, went to court and after hearing the lies she was alleging against me, I asked the judge for a continuance to seek legal counsel because I knew I was over my head and was going to be in for a fight.

The judge not only denied me a continuance and counsel, he sided with my ex and began to call me unstable, and condemn me for carrying a weapon when I had a legal c.c.w., military and police training! Based just on her word vs. Mine.

Just out of frustration and being betrayed by my ex, who I loved, and the legal system, I agreed to the protection order,not knowing the ramifications, just so I could leave.

Since then, my ex does whatever she can to try to makemy life miserable and get me in trouble. I have to pick up and drop off the children at a 'visitation center' I was arrested for a violation when I was trying tocomplain to the police at the police station about her not allowing me to go to my daughters christmas play.. (she was there at the police station complaining that I was texting her about things not pertaining to the kids)

I was arrested again after having kidney stones,spending 3 days in the hospital, getting morphine and passing out in my friends truck.. (he went to her work to see a friend and she saw me and called the police)

I have (2) convictions for 'domestic violence ' M1. On my record now..

I can't go back in the military.. I can't be a cop.. I can't own a weapon.. I can't be a nurse..

I never have.. never would have.. never will, ever lay hands on a woman.. but now my life is screwed.. my careers are gone.. can't hunt or shoot with my children..and am looked at like a common criminal... yet she married a demon who has car theft and drug convictions(among many other misdemeanors) has guns in the house.. is on probation and drinks nightly.. is abusive to my kids... and c.p.s. and cops don't do anything because SHE is protected..

She drives by places she knows im at.. calls women I date.. tried to get me introuble for my dog scratching my 13year old son while they were playing.. but ohio has no harassment law and unless I will say im scared of her in court, I can not be protected from her..

I am 6'2" and# 220.. she is about 5'10" and 140.. im obviously not scared of her ands judge would just laugh anyway..I had5counts of contempton her for not signing tax forms, notpaying of her vehicle granted in the divorce,cancellations on child visits, etc.. but, she walked with warnings.. !?!? If anyone has advice, please contact me.. I've lost my house, my kids, my career, everything I've worked for my whole life.. I've been living in a bed of a pickup truck!

I have no money for a defence .. I can't get a decent job.. and live in poverty to keepmy child support paid while she has her income.. her druggy husbands income.. and 800+ a month in could support..

This is the country and the laws I swore to defend?

I seriously need any advice.. legal help.. anything ..


bone 4 years ago

My husband has always been abusive to me. I have always tried to be a strong person. I didn't want anyone to know my hell. We have been together for about 12yrs. We have a 10yr old son. For yrs I was sick and didn't really do anything about it until the latter part of last yr and this yr(2012). My husband always accuse me of cheating when we argue about little things to big things. Well at the end of July I got fed up with his bull and victim stories he would tell people. I told his half brother I wanted a divorce because I grew tired. Well low and behold oneday I was getting ready for work and I noticed the police pull up on my block and I said to myself wow I wonder what happened. Then I saw my husband approaching them. I went downstairs to see what was going on and they read to me why I was being shocked from my home. I packed what I could and left because I couldn't afford to miss work. In just in the blink of an eye, I lost 12yrs of memories (good and bad) along with my son. I fought for my innocence and lost at the trial. The judge said it was because of my demur. I didn't do anything like cause a scene. I'm living with my parents in another state and have to comute back and forth which is about an one hr. drive. Now did you catch the fact that I didn't really to you what happened. That's because nothing happened on Aug. 8. the day he said I attacked him 12:00am. I was just punching out from work. A long time ago my husband said he would get hurt me before I would hurt him. I should have ran then. He took my son and now I can only see him onçe a week. I feel like a criminal. There isn't a darn thing I can do about it. God bless.


bone 4 years ago

My husband has always been abusive to me. I have always tried to be a strong person. I didn't want anyone to know my hell. We have been together for about 12yrs. We have a 10yr old son. For yrs I was sick and didn't really do anything about it until the latter part of last yr and this yr(2012). My husband always accuse me of cheating when we argue about little things to big things. Well at the end of July I got fed up with his bull and victim stories he would tell people. I told his half brother I wanted a divorce because I grew tired. Well low and behold oneday I was getting ready for work and I noticed the police pull up on my block and I said to myself wow I wonder what happened. Then I saw my husband approaching them. I went downstairs to see what was going on and they read to me why I was being shocked from my home. I packed what I could and left because I couldn't afford to miss work. In just in the blink of an eye, I lost 12yrs of memories (good and bad) along with my son. I fought for my innocence and lost at the trial. The judge said it was because of my demur. I didn't do anything like cause a scene. I'm living with my parents in another state and have to comute back and forth which is about an one hr. drive. Now did you catch the fact that I didn't really to you what happened. That's because nothing happened on Aug. 8. the day he said I attacked him 12:00am. I was just punching out from work. A long time ago my husband said he would get hurt me before I would hurt him. I should have ran then. He took my son and now I can only see him onçe a week. I feel like a criminal. There isn't a darn thing I can do about it. God bless.


Michael R. Cobb County Georgia 3 years ago

My wife has been beating on my child and I for months. I made 5 police reports on her beating my child in the face and beating on me. Cobb County police on Dec 2, of 2012 listened to my wife and put me in jail even though she attacked me. I am going to sue Cobb County after this long process in federal court for their clear violation of the law and not protecting me from my wife's abuse. My wife has 3 testimonies and all her stories are different. 2 judges said I could see my child and I have not seen her in 5 months because judge Ingram is old and did not write the order correct. I am also going to sue him for breach of his duty and mentally causing problems for my child and me.

More people need to stop the abuse of these protection orders because judges are sometimes just stupid like in my case. Judge Ingram along with Cobb County Police and Cobb County will pay a valuable lesson for the laws the have broken and the metal abuse they have put us through.

Please let all the public officials stop this protection orders. The American Bar assc. wants them gone also. There is no due process of law being followed and good people like myself and kids along with families being torn apart by these lawless protection orders judges are handing out as they say like candy. Judges that hand them out should be punished by not being re elected and sued for abuse of power.

98% of men have to bankrupt after these are placed on them and they wonder why woman are getting killed. The man has all his rights taken with a people's court judge that ruins there lives.

Woman who abuse this should be locked up and like my issue the judge could have seen the lies because any layman would have seen the difference in testomonies from one report to the other. But because Jusge C. Ingram is a dumbass and could not read. He is 83 years old and needs to be kick off the bench.


ashlyinebroke 3 years ago

Quickly this site will indisputably be famous among all blogging people, because of its fastidious articles or reviews.

http://denverdivorcelawyers.us/


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 3 years ago from Aurora Author

Just an example of "family lawyers" a.k.a. "sponges" working off any site they can get! Out of here after the readers see!


PC73 2 years ago

I'm a woman whose sister has filed for a restraining order against her husband as she contemplates divorce. He has never hit her, but she has hit him. I am furious that she would attempt to ruin his life in this way. Yes, he's sent a lot of angry texts, but she never warned him to stop. He at least deserved a warning, especially given the hateful things they've BOTH said for months. As someone who was once falsely accused of harassment, I am particularly sensitive to this issue. Fortunately, the judge saw that my accuser was attention-seeking and crazy, but it was still horrible to go through and my accuser continues to claim that she has an RO on me when she does not. ROs should ONLY be sought if you are truly in danger, not because you just don't want to have to deal with someone anymore.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 2 years ago from Aurora Author

There are a few occasions in which those targeted by restraining orders get slapped with a lawsuit for lying to authorities and defamation of character.

NEVER should anyone file a bogus RO!


AJW624 2 years ago

My Wife did this to me on Valentine's Day, I had been away on business travel for three weeks, she suddenly cut me off, I was worried and finally I got hold of her after 4 days, she told me she did not know what she wanted anymore and needed space, then she sent me an email saying the same, I left it alone until I got home, she then told me she wanted me to stay away, and I should consider moving out and gettin an apartment, after being away for three weeks, I stayed at a motel for three more days then I finally had enough and said I was coming home, she threatened in a text that she would call the police if I came home, I have never ever threatened her or laid a finger on her, when I got home she said she was leaving, we argued but at no time did I threaten her or touch her, she went to the garage got in her car and called the police. Police came and said she was free to leave and I had done nothing wrong, the next night at 7pm a police officer came with a restraining order and I was thrown from my house. we had been having some difficulty but not terrible since Christmas, she had been dissapearing, late home from work, got another phone, staying away when she travelled to DC (only 40 miles) and I had questioned her about this, I also found she had been texting another man.

She showed up at the court with her lawyer, I filed for divorce the same day, the order was dismissed but there is a consent order that says I have to stay away and no contact, we have been trying to reach a settlement for two months now, she has run my name into the ground, even talked to my boss. She wants everything in the house and I get to live at a friends tiny apartment. I have never been so devastated, she has played every trick in the book, even filling taxes separatley on the 15th April and not telling me until the day after (via lawyer).

I have spent close to 12k in legal fees since it started, I am trying to walk away with nothing now, I am 42 and lost every penny I have, my house, my wife, my dog everything. I became complacent in our relationship and I ran round after her doing stuff for her, I was needy as she pulled away which was a mistake. Life is very unfair sometimes, I adored her.


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 2 years ago from Aurora Author

I am sorry to say that ROs in divorce to gain the upper hand in the fight is common. It is terribly unfair, also known as a "divorce dirty trick". Try to hang in there and walk the high ground...


netterz 7 months ago

due to ongoing issues with an X wife I went searching for some helpful advice after reading these I feel very doubtful and might as well get used to her ignorant ways

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working