Domestic Violence; a process not an Act

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Domestic violence is not an act, it is a process in which the identity of one person is eroded by another.

It is not a random act of violence, be it physical or verbal, it is the relationship between an abuser and a victim.

The continuation of the abuse alters the personalities of the parties creating a set of variables in which the abuse becomes 'normal'.

The Textbook Paradigm

Regardless of where you live in the world, your personality, economic status, the pattern of the abuse tends to follow a particular path.  Although there will always be differences what follows below is a composite of the standard pattern of Domestic Violence.

The Stage is Set

Kyle pursued Jenna with a single mindedness which made her feel exalted as well as somewhat guilty. She didn't love Kyle as he seemed to love her. No man she had ever met was as 'into' her as he was.

Jenna felt she had the upper hand, that she controlled the relationship. She loved the way Kyle made her feel. He treated her as if she were the most wonderful woman in the world, and when he asked her to marry him, she agreed without question.

The First Signs

They were virtually on their
honeymoon when Kyle said
something which hurt her so
badly she began to cry.

Kyle consoled her.

Confused, doubting her
perceptions, she cried in
his arms, and he made love to her.

She couldn't align what he had said to his passionate lovemaking, and long after it was over, the confusion remained.

It dissipated a little over the next few days, until he said something else which reduced her to tears, and again consoled her.

His words and his actions were so diverse, she didn't know where she was.

Segregation

From the first days of married life, Kyle mentioned how her family/friends didn't like him. He indicated persons who wanted to pull them apart. 

When they'd talk and she'd mention what someone said or did, he'd interpret it as an Anti-Kyle doctrine. 

He was always upset if she went to have lunch with the girls or visited her family, or met an old friend, as everything seemed to be 'them' or 'me'. 

She began to cut out much of her relationships with others, even her job took second place. She devoted as much time as she could to Kyle.

Eventually her world was 90% Kyle, everyone else postponed and limited.

The Next Stage

Eventually, when Kylie tossed a zinger, Jenna didn't cry. She got angry. Depending on her mood she might toss back a remark, or ignore him.

Kyle then moved from emotional to intellectual abuse.
He would criticize everything she said or did or thought as if she were very stupid.

It wasn't obvious at first. At first it seemed a 'debate', where she might state a fact or an opinion and he would state a counter-fact or an obverse opinion.

Often, she assumed he was right and she was wrong. She had no one to verify information. She and her family and friends were no longer close enough to share ideas.

Soon enough, Jenna began to doubt everything she had believed or assumed, because Kylie seemed to know where she was uncertain.

She began to defer to him for even the simplest information, for she no longer trusted herself.

Spiritual Abuse

Although Jenna could not put it into words, Kyle very much controlled how she saw events.

If he was excited about a party, so was she.
If he didn't want to go, neither did she...even if she had at first bounce been enthusiastic,
Kyle was the final arbiter.

Kyle had rules and reasons, and Jenna tried her best to obey them. If Kyle did not want her to do something or speak to someone, she didn't. The 'penalty' she paid for disobedience was coldness, anger, insults, it just wasn't worth it.

Jenna learned to clear everything with Kyle to avoid dissension. She learned to be indifferent until he told her how she felt.

Being married, she told herself, was losing the 'I' for the 'We.'

Verbal Abuse

Kylie began to insult her. He would
shout at her, even in public.

He called her stupid, and nothing
she did was right.

He spoke of her in the worst terms to everyone he met. In fact, most of his conversation was wife bashing.

He ridiculed her, and there was very little she did that pleased him. In fact, when she did something 'right' he would express disbelief that an idiot like her could actually remember from one minute to the next.

Physical Abuse

The first time he hit her,
he broke down and cried
like a baby.

It was her fault bringing
out the worst in him.

She felt so sorry that she had forced him to hit her.

After that, she knew it was her fault every time he struck her. She caused it. If she hadn't....if she had only remembered.... but she had forced him to lose his temper and hit her.

She learned how to hide the bruises with makeup or to explain them by 'car accident' or 'falling down the steps' or 'walking into a door'.

After all, why should he be blamed for hitting her when she caused it?

The New Normal

Over time, Jenna became accustomed
to being beaten.

She never thought of herself as
a battered wife.
Her situation was 'different'.
She was the aggressor.
She caused it.
She was not a victim.
Kyle did his best, she was too demanding, too critical. It was her fault.

This is how it was...
Until....

For the Sake of the Children

They had two children, and when Davey, the big one, was four years old, Kyle beat him for knocking over his milk.

Jenna had expected Kyle would slap the boy, not beat.
When she interceded, Kyle turned on her.

The little one, Howie began to scream and couldn't stop.

Kyle went to beat the two year old to shut him up.

And that's when Jenna realised she and the children were victims of domestic violence.

That is when Jenna realised she had to protect her children.
She didn't care about herself.
She cared about her children.
She knew Kyle wouldn't let her go but she had to get her children to safety.

How to send the children out of danger, and get Kyle to agree to it was her first muse.

Her safety wasn't important, she had long resigned herself to being an object. Long given up her personhood.

Recognition

If Jenna and Kyle's relationship is familiar to you, then you understand domestic violence.

This is not a normal marriage.
This is not a normal relationship.
This is domestic violence.

It may be 'no more' then him saying things to make you cry right now, but it WILL escalate.

If you find yourself segregated from your family and friends, this is a precursor to abuse.
This is getting rid of witnesses and possible intervention.

If you need to verify everything with him, he is an abuser. You may be at an early stage, but understand, it doesn't stop there.

Some relationships may not go to the physical violence, the verbal is enough. The words used and how they are said are as powerful as slaps and kicks. But verbal abuse, is abuse.

Don't wait for it to get worse.

GET OUT!!!!!

Getting out of this relationship is a matter of life and death. You must escape.
You must get away.

You are not being dramatic, you are not misreading.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHY A HUSBAND SHOULD HIT HIS WIFE.

None.

If you think there is a good explanation, if you want to list a series of things she did to 'deserve' it, then you have become accustomed to Domestic Violence. You think it is normal.

This should scare you.



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Comments 6 comments

Elysia 6 years ago

Very profound... thank you!


qeyler profile image

qeyler 6 years ago Author

You're welcome


Tammy 6 years ago

This is such a good example. It's hard to be in an abusive relationship and see how you got there. This example helped me see what was happening to me.

The healing, and emotional hurting takes longer than you think. The key is to not get into another relationship right away, or you will end up with another abuser.

Women have to learn to be self-sufficient. If you can support yourself and your children, you can leave a situation if you need to.


jaye 6 years ago

The healing is a ratio...if one is married 3 years it takes about 3 years to be basically healed. After 3 years it is about six months for every year up to ten years. After ten years, it is about a month to a year.


Faybe Bay profile image

Faybe Bay 6 years ago from Florida

Thank you qeyler, for another amazing hub. I hope this gets out there. I am sharing it on Facebook. It needs to be read by as many people as possible.

Jaye, I was wondering about the healing time ratio, nice that you put that here...


qeyler profile image

qeyler 6 years ago Author

I put that in the Healing article..thank you

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