Fear and Loathing on February Thirteenth
Yes, you did it again. The day before Valentine's Day, and you did not get your wife a Valentine. What is the matter with you? Don't you love her? Don't you ever think of her? Shame on you, you hearless, selfish, thoughtless bastard! Shame, shame, shame. She is going to keeel you.
Well, bucko, you can either call up the dog and let him know you'll be moving in with him for an indefinite period of time, or you can face the music, jam yourself into that crowd in the Hallmark aisle to try to get something decent that happened to be passed over by those sensitive and caring enough to have planned in advance (unlike you), or make your own Valentine. But you better do something, bucko, if you know what's good for you.
Making the Best of a Bad Valentine
White-out correction fluid is a wonderful thing, and usually available at the same pharmacy/everything store where you purchase the bad Valentine. You purchase the bad Valentine because it is the best choice left in a field of bad choices. Avoiding the one with the picture of the old wrinkled lady and the one with the Chippendales (who wants that kind of competition?), you choose one that has a mint green heart that looks like one of those miniature candy hearts that are all over the place at this time, with the insipidly ubiquitous message on it, "Be Mine." Okay, that's all right, but inside it says, "Greeting to my Good Friend on Valentine's Day." Well, that's no good. "Greetings?" "Good friend?" Why don't you skip the card and go right to divorce court?
But all is not lost. If the message is short enough, you can use correction fluid. If not, you can buy a piece of construction paper, scissors, a pen and some Elmer's Glue at the same what-not shop. Glue a piece of construction paper over the stupid message and put your own message there.
The idea is to fool her into thinking you actually thought about this Valentine, so write something thoughtful. "Be mine - TONIGHT, BABY!" might be okay.
Make Your Own Valentine
If all the leftover Valentine choices are absolutely hideous, you could make your own. If you're lucky, the so-called pharmacy may have a paper doiley. That, some glue, a pen, a pair of scissors and some red construction paper and you're all set to make your love a valentine fit for any five-year-old. With any luck she'll think it's cute.
Be sure to write something suffiiciently gushy inside. It's got to come off like you planned this all along, not like you just thought of it yesterday.
So good luck, buckaroo. Next year, maybe you can input an Outlook reminder for yourself or something. In the mean time, if all your last minute efforts prove unacceptable in the end, please say "hi" to Fido for me.
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