Feeling insecure when your partner looks at an attractive person?


Its only natural that when an attractive man or woman passes by, people look at the person.

  • Some will look and look away in seconds. Like a reflex.
  • Some will look and do a double take.
  • While some will give a long lingering look.

Would you feel insecure if this happens to you?

I did a short research on this with friends on Hubpages and people have mixed views. I have put them in different categories:

Group A - It doesn’t bother them and they trust their partners not to stray.

Group B - would be jealous and annoyed if it were a long, lingering look of desire or something.

Group C – They would feel insecure because either (1) Already, they were not confident with their looks or (2) they would think they were not attractive enough and would start making comparisons with the person being admired.

My favourite response was that: A "six pack" can’t outweigh years of commitment, support, conversations and shared experiences.If your partner finds you attractive and you have a strong relationship, there should be nothing to worry about.

My Advice

Example: If it’s the man looking at an attractive, lady. If your partner catches you, just say something along the lines of......

“Isn’t it terrible the way ladies dress these days? No fashion sense whatsoever!!” The chances of your lady agreeing with you, will be high and their will be no arguments. ツ


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Comments 55 comments

always exploring profile image

always exploring 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

I would think something was terribly wrong if a male friend did not look at an attractive woman, now, I said look not stare! Great article Elena...

billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Actually Ruby took the words right out of my mouth. It's the staring that will get a guy in big trouble; been there, read the book, don't plan on reading it again. :)

I enjoyed your hub my friend!

profile image

Ghaelach 4 years ago

Morning Elena.

Nicely put together.

I like your tip when the man is caught looking at a lovely girl.

My wife says in general it's OK to do some window shopping but don't ever try the goods on, if you know what I mean.

Take care Elena and have a nice day.

LOL Ghaelach

aguasilver profile image

aguasilver 4 years ago from Malaga, Spain

When I see an attractive woman, I always ask myself "Is she to die for?" because both God and my wife would kill me if I ventured further!

So I resort to Psalm 139 and paraphrase "for you are fearfully and wonderfully made" and pass onward.

Fortunately I am now old enough to know that those I find beautiful have far better (and younger) men to captivate!

Looking is still a delight to the eye, but nothing more.

Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 4 years ago from United States

Sure men look at attractive women, but we would like it if they didn't stare or gawk. I enjoyed your hub and the point was well made.

Jynzly profile image

Jynzly 4 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

I will tell my man to pursue all the women who attract her and enjoy them, then I will wish him good luck...down to hell...and forget about any decent woman if all he does is to just insult her...(he is not even aware of his insulting behavior, he is an idiot, what do you expect?)

It's not a feeling of insecurity, it's a "value system" of deluded men that is rampant nowadays. I want my man to be sensible, meaning, an assertive man who is aware of what he is doing all the time.

krsharp05 profile image

krsharp05 4 years ago from 18th and Vine

Great hub! I think that the way a man is looking at the woman has a lot to do with how the woman will react. If he's staring and drooling....it's probably a sign and would make a lot of women feel badly.

anglnwu profile image

anglnwu 4 years ago

Got to laugh at your suggestion when men are caught looking at women. I think it would work nicely. Interesting hub.

Escobana profile image

Escobana 4 years ago from Valencia

Great topic! Great Hub!

I usually am the first one to whisper at my boyfriend:"Look at her! She's beautiful! No, hot even!"

He's used to me saying this wherever we go because I love watching beautiful women and men. Probably because I am bisexual.

He normally agrees with me but I've never felt insecure when he's the first to mention something about a beautiful woman passing by. To me it's all natural and I know my sweetheart as he knows me:-)

Voted up, shared and away dear!

weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia

If a tall leggy girl walks by my veritically challenged wife always says "sorry I don't look like that" but I always tell her that I like short girls anyway...which is mostly true! Great hub, voted up!

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Always Exploring - Hi Ruby. I hear yah. Look but don't stare. Good to see you. Thanks. :-)

@billybuc - Thanks Bill. Lovely of you to stop by. I'm glad you enjoyed the Hub.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Ghaelach I absolutely love the phrase your wife uses and hope to remember it to share. :-) Brill. Thanks for stopping.

@aguasilver I have to disagree. There are lots of older men who captivate young ladies. Clooney, The Hoff (Hasselhoff), Sean Connery, Amitabh Bachchan - an elegant Bollywood Actor and more. So.... you never know who's admiring you secretly Aquasilver. :-)

I like that verse and share it with teens when they feel insecure or want to look like their "airbrushed" favourite celebrity.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Pamela - I agree with you, it can be uncomfortable for the other partner and the person being stared at. Thanks for stopping.

@Jynzly - Ouch!! Things like this should not be taken to heart. If you are in a secure, loving relationship, you will know where his heart lies.... I appreciate you stopping by. Best wishes.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@KrSharp - Very interesting point. I'm glad you stopped by to share. Thanks.

@Anglnwu - Hi Angeline. It works all the time and that way he can look longer because they are both talking about the lady in a "negative" way. You should see me. When I see Men dressed up as Firemen dancing on TV, I say: "Haven't they got better things to do?" but my eyes don't blink. I watch until they finish dancing. lol. Cheers. x

TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

Great hub! Love it! This is something that I went through with hubby in the beginning of our marriage 6 years ago. Our problem was, the attractive young ladies were usually staring at him first when he noticed them, and got into trouble for flirting with me right there. For example: We were at Applebee's for dinner. Our waitress was so busy flirting with him that she totally forgot to take MY order. When the food arrived, only his showed up. I was *HOT*. Hubby let the manager know and they comped my meal. Needless to say, whenever we went back, we asked for a different waitress and hubby learned a lesson - he was in the doghouse for a week. But that isn't the first time it's happened. In the beginning, he enjoyed all the attention, now he finds it very annoying, especially when it's his new boss's 16 year old daughter. LOL!

aguasilver profile image

aguasilver 4 years ago from Malaga, Spain

Hi Lady_E, yes on occasion I see that 'look' from a younger woman, not often, but on occasion, and it still stirs the hunter in any man, but as an older and hopefully wiser man, I enjoy the moment and pass onward.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

Aawwhh... Cheers Aquasilver. :-)

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Escobana - Thanks for sharing your experience. That's unique. Good to see you again. I like your new photo. :-)

@Weestro - Aaawh. Sweet. I enjoyed reading your comment. Thanks.

Jynzly profile image

Jynzly 4 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

I take marriage relationship seriously. I can live without it if my man is a "mundane", to say the least. Also, if I am in the sort of a promiscuous, I can change my man as frequently as I change my clothes, (when I was younger of course, not anymore...) I chose him and vice versa, so we should stick with it in all respects; this or nothing; no excuses.

I am not sure if my man is lucky with me or otherwise. My marriage now is the third one. By the way, I am writing a hub on this subject, this aspect of my stern conviction on marriage relationship..., your wonderful hub inspires me;

Thanks for the inspiration.

Escobana profile image

Escobana 4 years ago from Valencia

Always a pleasure to stop by your well written Hubs! Thanks for the comment on my picture:-)

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Jynzly... aaawwh thanks for sharing your experience. Now, I understand your previous comment more. It comes from somewhere deep. I wish you lots of happiness in your relationship and look forward to reading the Hub.

Best Wishes.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@TToombs08 - OMG!! That was very rude of the waitress. (Cringing). I hope you didn't leave a tip. Funny how he's tired of it now. Thanks for sharing your experience, lovely lady.

Jynzly profile image

Jynzly 4 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

I am writing it now; one you read it perhaps you can see my point; though I am only speaking for myself.

Express10 profile image

Express10 4 years ago from East Coast

Very interesting article. Those in groups A & B are on fairly solid ground in these situations but those who are in group C or those that feel the need to do as the lady does in the photo need to shore things up.

Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 4 years ago from United States

Hi Lady E! Some people want us to deny our attraction to others. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging someone that has an attractive physical appearance. We are visual until we get to know someone. Once we do, the physically attractive person may not be so beautiful after all.

As a man, I especially dislike insecure women that get mad at a man because a female is attracted to them. You have no control over who is attracted to you!

I agree that staring is not a good thing. But a simple acknowledgment of beauty should not be a problem - for mates secure with themselves and their relationships!

Great hub!

Escobana profile image

Escobana 4 years ago from Valencia

Amen to Dexter!!! Love your point of view!!!

Jynzly profile image

Jynzly 4 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

The mundane man would interpret it insecurity when a wife gets mad at his mundane husband staring at another woman...that is what his mustard mind can interpret because his moral values is below the belt...such stereotype way of thinking.

SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 4 years ago from Philippines

Girl watching is a natural and healthy pastime. The appreciation of beauty and the aesthetically pleasing keeps one young both in mind and spirit.:)

Jynzly profile image

Jynzly 4 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

That's why divorce is rampant...it is still healthy for a culture which moral values is consistently deteriorating; everybody cannot see that lust is from the motives of the heart...everything big starts from a dot. "Prevention is better than cure." No, the unawakened humanity cannot see it let alone believe it until an epidemic of sex perverts break families...

SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 4 years ago from Philippines

Hi Jynzly :)

Emerson said " If eyes were made for seeing, then beauty is its own excuse for being." Sculptures, paintings and poetry have paid homage to beauty that we call woman. Yet small minds have condemned these masterpieces as lustful. Should we cover the woman physique from head to toe as some religious belief and culture insist? Which is really another form of moral hypocrisy and male chauvinism. A tale illustrate this...Two zen monks saw a beautiful woman dress in her finest kimono. A recent rain have turn the road muddy and she was unable to cross the intersection. Without hesitation one monk lifted and carried her across the road. The monks then continued on their way. Both did not speak until they reach their temple lodge at nightfall. Finally unable to restrain himself one monk ask the other " We monks do not go near woman, especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous, why did you do that?" " I left the girl behind." the other monk replied. "Are you still carrying her?"

Jynzly profile image

Jynzly 4 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

I hope everyone can see the difference between circumstantial or accidental from habitual...Do not make beauty an excuse to open Pandora's box. Just see what society is now in the global scope...it's full of sex scandals even in high places...and don't call those who have open eyes hypocrites just because you cannot see.

Escobana profile image

Escobana 4 years ago from Valencia

To Jynzly,

I hope you can see the difference between the title of this wonderful Hub and your own way of thinking about something so innocent as 'looking at beautiful women'.

For being bisexual I understand you can feel attracted to beautiful women. Something triggers inside and therefore 'we' give them a quick look or when 'we' are alone, 'we' watch them a little longer.

Physical attraction is a very healthy and natural feeling to have. The consequences you mention as 'rampant divorce and sex perverts who break families' because there's so much lust involved, seems a little far fetched to me.

Physical attraction, lust, sex and the mere pleasure of it all, is a beautiful aspect of life.

I'm not saying it's ok to watch beautiful men or women, not being able to hold yourself back, cheat on your spouse and wreck lives.

This Hub is only about the possible feeling of insecurity, you might have when your partner looks at a beautiful woman. Is it the insecurity you feel inside for having commented with such strong words? Or is it something else?

In my case, when my partner looks at other beautiful women, I can see why. There are so many out there. Yet, he loves ME, he adores ME and he makes love to ME.

He can watch his whole life, using his pair of sexy eyes, like I will always watch the beautiful men that pass me by. Knowing there's only one guy in this world I want to be with. Knowing our morals and standards are exactly the same.

Even if I wouldn't be bisexual, I would still admire the beauty of some women without feeling insecure over it. Life is about morals AND pleasure.

Jynzly profile image

Jynzly 4 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

To Escobana,

Everybody reasons according to his value system, personal experiences, IQ level or perceptions, and a million more complex basis; insecurity in this sense is in fact the least of all but it seems that everybody buys it as the only big time cause...nobody can judge anyone else opinion for as long as it is not meant to rundown others.

I have nothing bad about the hub, in fact it is wonderfully inspiring that I was able to publish a new hub, just some minutes back...after a few days of not writing anything.

My "strong words", if I may quote you, is a personal reaction if "my" man does it in the habitual sense...I disagree with "feeling insecure" as a cause for my vehement reaction...I am saying that I am against having what I call a "mundane and weakling" husband. I will let him chase all those that attract him and I am out...I am speaking for myself. If all the women disagree with me, so be it, I am not saying they are wrong,they like it or won't mind it, good for them...but I have a very good personal reason why I think the way I do which I cannot allow anyone to take away from me...and also if he is "my" husband, he should be careful because he should be the first to know what I do next if he falters...

What you call "innocent looking" is your perception...if it is habitual, it is not innocent...again , FOR ME...and IF he was My husband.

I hope you don't judge my reasoning based on your own convictions of the given situation.

Escobana profile image

Escobana 4 years ago from Valencia

Hi Jynzly,

I'm really glad you commented back. I was just very curious for your motivation and wondered what it might be.

We are clear on one particular aspect...men who need to chase after other women should do so, without bothering 'us'.

I'm not judging you for your comments but I was struck by them and wanted to know some more. You obviously have your own personal experiences for responding the way you did.

You are a unique person, just like I am and it's true I have a different opinion about this all. I'm glad I can have mine and you can have yours.

After all that's the beauty of such a discussion. I never meant to judge you but I did mean to trigger you a bit in order to explain what's behind your different opinion.

Thank you for taking that time and have a beautiful day:-)

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Express10 - I'm sorry it's taken me 4 days to respond, I had a sad family matter to deal with. Thanks for your comment. I'm not too sure what "shore" things up means. Maybe it's an American slang? I like learning new slangs. Lovely to hear from you.

@Dexter - sorry for late response. I agree and it's only natural you turn for just a few seconds when someone attractive walks past. Thanks for sharing those heart felt comments. Cheers.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@escobana @jynzly @Silentreed - I have only just read your comments now. I was a way for a few days to due to sad event.

I also felt Jynzly's first comment was strong but after reading a further comment, I understand where she is coming from and i'm glad Escobana has also seen that too. I think our experiences in life affect the way we deal with relationships.

SilentReed, I appreciate you sharing that interesting Tale. :)

Thank you ladies for being so nice and friendly about this sensitive topic. I hope you will read Jynzly's Hub once it's published. She will give more enlightenment. I will too. :-)

Best Wishes xx

Escobana profile image

Escobana 4 years ago from Valencia

Dear Lady_E,

That's so sad to know. The reasons for you responding late. I wish you all the positive energy in the world and I will make sure to read Jynzly's Hub too:-)

LOVE Escobana

Jynzly profile image

Jynzly 4 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA


Thank you for your understanding; I know that you are uniquely smart too; sincere discussions without the intention to rundown anyone but to express one's own beliefs and perceptions of personal values and experiences are actually educational by itself. We learn to be considerate.

Like Lady_E, you are among the very few here in hubpages who can inspire me to write more because I believe in your sincerity and integrity; you are both interested in the truth behind the facade of seeming hostility in words.

I do appreciate your comments.

Escobana profile image

Escobana 4 years ago from Valencia

Hello Lady_E,

Just to let you know I linked your Hub to mine as a reaction to the discussion I had here with Jynzly.

Jynzly's Hub is linked to my Hub too and I hope you will do the same for me:-)


Have a very beautiful day!

Love Escobana

DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

DeBorrah K. Ogans 4 years ago

Lady E, Great article! I think it is a natural response to look and observe others. But oogling takes it a bit far. This would be more of an insult that your attention is now obviously somewhere else for a while other than on your spouse or companion! So now is this a weakness or an insecurity? Or plain lust?

True Beauty really does go much deeper than the surface. To build a strong relationship one must go much deeper! A good relationship is built upon trust! I think that as a relationship grows so does the trust, respect and commitment the insecurities gradually fade as you become secure in who you are and within your relationship.

Hmmm, my opinion is; A person just passing by is doing just that… It is when one disrespects you and goes beyond that point is when it becomes a problem. Making a Covenant with your eyes is a good idea! Wonderful & thought provoking!

Thank You for sharing, Peace & Blessings!

stars439 profile image

stars439 4 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Great hub. I think it would be in bad taste to stare at another woman in the presence of a lover, or mate. Some things should not be done. A quick look , or peek, I see no harm in that because God gave us eyes. God Bless You Precious Heart.

profile image

Sueswan 4 years ago

Nothing wrong with a man looking at an attractive woman but some of them go overboard and have no consideration for their partner.

Voted up and away

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Escobana - Thanks for the link. I will add it.

Best Wishes. :)

@Stars439 - Thanks for sharing that. You made me laugh when I read "God gave us Eyes." Lovely to see you. :)

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Deborrah K Ogans ~ Hello. I love the point you made:

"True Beauty really does go much deeper than the surface. To build a strong relationship one must go much deeper!"

I shake my head these days when women/men go after just looks - they want someone tall/dark/handsome/6 pack/big chest etc. and because relationships are built on looks, it's not surprising that once a woman has had a baby, her body changes, the attraction goes and there is nothing deep holding them together - then they split.

Your comments will help many. Thanks for stopping and for all the support you have given me, particularly this month. (Hugs)

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Sueswan - so True. You have to snap your fingers, to snap them out of it. I appreciate you stopping by.

Cathleena Beams profile image

Cathleena Beams 4 years ago from Lascassas, Tennessee

It is natural for a man to notice when a beautiful woman walks by. However, when he is with another woman it is not acceptable to stare at her, and even worse for him to try to draw her attention to himself when he's with his girlfriend or his wife. Every woman wants to believe that she's the most captivating and the only one that he's interested in. Most women feel insulted if their guy is lavishing attention on another woman. A smart guy will stay focused on the one he's with and has enough self control to resist the temptresses that walk by.

Jlava73 profile image

Jlava73 4 years ago from Cyberspace and My Own World

Hi Lady_E,

I remember answering this question. I think looking is ok, after all wouldn't you rather he look in your presence? If he stares, gawks, or whistles then that may be a problem, but just looking is harmless enough at least to me.

michememe profile image

michememe 4 years ago

I like the your advice, that is the best way to clean that up to avoid an argument. Although I fall in group A. The man/woman is in a relationship they aren't blind or dead.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

@Cathleena - I love the way you balanced those words. Perfect. I'm glad you stopped by. Thanks.

@Jlava73 - Cheers. I chuckled when I read the word "Whistles." Looking is definitely harmless. Thanks. Good to see you again.

@michememe - Thanks. So true that people aren't blind. Everyone's human but should have self control. Best Wishes.

Lifeonabudget profile image

Lifeonabudget 4 years ago

I think it is only natural to appreciate beauty and jealousy comes from insecurity either in the relationship or how you perceive yourself, that said however there are rules, if with a partner a fleeting glance is acceptable but not comments , whistles or cheesy grins and if your partner delights in making you feel insecure they are not worth your time.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

Thanks LifeonaBudget

A fleeting glance means nothing. Actually it's a natural response. I appreciate your comment. Best Wishes.

epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

well Lady E - 'E' must stand for excellence - or eclectic - because you have such an awesoem variety of hub subjects and presentations to choose from and thank you so much for your fan mail - coming from such a great writer and someone so special like you - really means a lot .

Yes your article here reminds me of a girlfriend back in the day and she was a 'face' model and men were all over here - even the ladies - but I was not the jealous type because she was just a nice person and her aura attracted people as well but boy oh boy was she ever jealous of me if I ever dared to look or talk to another woman - lol - so you see beautiful women can be insecure too -

Sending you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time ontario canada 10:15pm on a night which feels more like late spring than early winter - and wasn't that a tragic story about that poor nurse committing suicide - my heart breaks for her family

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author


Aaawh... thanks for your kind words. My favourite bit of your comment is that she felt that way when you look/talked to other women. :-)

See..... you were very special and dear to her too.

(Isn't it interesting to see how in some relationships, one partner purposely does something to provoke a jealous reaction - just to have proof they still feel loved.)

Thanks for your warm wishes from your magical side of the world. I didn't hear that sad story....my thoughts are with her family. Take care...

Grace 4 years ago

Hmmmm.... this is definitely a problem that seem to have no ending.... especially for the guys.... they are visual creatures and i believe in their minds , in varying degrees, they are caught up with some fantasies and imaginations when they see an attractive woman! They will not admit/own up so it is pointless to insist that they should be honest and tell you the truth!

Depending on your level of self-esteem and security, putting your complete trust in a man /expectation of their fidelity can become a stressful situation for you...people can change and will change!

It has to be a deliberate decision and action on the part of the guy to stay faithful and not be distracted... once this is settled deep in his heart to love his only woman and appreciate her would surely help him to stay away from any temptation! This calls for character and moral values to be in placed!

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK Author

Hello Grace

I like the point you raised about Self Esteem. That plays a very vital part in how we react to beautiful/handsome people being around partners.

I'm glad you stopped by to share that. Thanks.

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