For God's sake, shave already!

Busted! Lazy and wearing an outdated "five o' clock shadow"

This guy is even too sleepy or lazy to wake up to shave.
This guy is even too sleepy or lazy to wake up to shave. | Source

I don’t know what you guys are out to prove. Nor do I really care. Just want you to know that (some) of us are near-fed-up, had our bait, over-the-limit and ready to say, “enough already.”
For God’s sake, shave already.


Please, I am begging you like the honest American man that I am. Shave and let’s get on with our lives.


Your blatant exhibition of your “five o’clock shadows,” isn’t cool anymore. That look is so “1980’s, Don “Sonny Crockett” Johnson, Miami Vice,” and is now nothing more than a tired way of you saying, “hey, my cute smile allows me to be lazy enough to not pull a Bic disposable razor across my face.”


Nothing more. Nothing less.


I like being lazy as good as the next guy, but please, give us who do shave a break already. At least meet in private places to show-off your lack of shaving skills. That’s not too much to ask. Is it?


Everywhere I look, there you are. Posing on a handrail by the seaside, wind bristling in your hair, and hairy face.


In almost 85% of magazine and television ads, you are there too with that manufactured, smug smile that is supposed to make me think that me not shaving to look like you will get me more women. Yeah, and I will run for the office of Mayor of New York City when it becomes vacant.


I like shaving. Nothing makes me feel better than a good shave and a good hot shower. I actually look forward to this time of the day. Man, I wish you did.


Somehow, somewhere, someone with marketing power convinced “one” man after the Miami Vice days were history that going with a five o’clock shadow was sexy, hot, cute, and drew women like flies to the corpse of a dead animal laying on the roadside.


And you, being the gullible man that you were, fell for it, hook, like and razor blades.


Why? Would just one of you non-shaven guys just own this and tell me the “real” truth of why you choose to forsake the manly-art of shaving? Again with my beg, please?


Was it for money? For lack of money? For prestige? Just something fad-like that this marketing “genius” told you would catch-on like a flu epidemic? Really?


Whatever the reason, you went for it and people like me are forced to suffer. Endlessly. The only comfort I get nowadays is when I turn my television off.


Or when I choose to not read any nationally-published magazine such as Sports Illustrated, Popular Mechanics or Sports Afield. This is the gospel truth, men.


Now that I am in full-vent, and in “rage mode,” it’s not you personally, guys, but the reason “why” you think that an unshaven face is a (pardon me, ladies), “chick magnet.”


It’s not.


I just happen to read (and retain the information) from a women’s magazine I happen to find on the floor of my local TARGET months ago and this article said in specific-terms that most women, married or single, do “not” think that men with five o’clock shadow’s are hot.


Uh, oh.


Someone, namely the marketing “genius,” of long ago must have lied to someone. Namely you guys who adorn billboards selling everything from sex to shaving cream.


Uh, oh.


What on earth will you do now?


Where on earth will you guys with the now-outdated five o’clock shadow-look go for the next hot look?


Don’t ask me. I still shave.


And I have never laid claim to being a marketing genius.


I am still proud of the contributions that the Gillette Company has made to shaving men everywhere. Rock on, Gillette.


I would say rock on, Norelco, but some millionaire named Kraft loved the company so much, he bought it. Along with the New England Patriots of the NFL which aggravates me because their quarterback is none other than “pretty boy,” “Mr. Fifth Avenue,” Tom “five o’clock shadow” Brady. Sorry, Mr. Kraft. I do not find myself ever spending any of my hard-earned money simply for that one reason: Tom Brady and his five o’clock shadow and lofty attitude.


I don’t really care for either.


Pretty soon, I fear that this “look” you guys swear-by, will infect other areas such as the ministry and priesthood. Watch and see how much I miss my prophecy.


I mean, to me, beards, long, flowing beards belong in the priesthood and even on the faces of ministers. But not the five o’clock shadow. No sir.


What I am trying to delicately to say is that I have more respect for any member of Hell’s Angels with their long, flowing, unkept beards flying in the air as they zoom through towns on their Harley’s than I do someone who insists on wearing a five o’clock shadow thinking that this look is, for lack of a better term, beard enough.


Or it might be sending the signal, “I really don’t want to commit a hundred percent to anything, or anyone,” did you pick up on that single ladies?


Has your long-time boyfriend of over seven years, who defends his five o’clock shadow to the bitter end “ever” talk of a lifetime commitment to you?


Huh?


To those who are hurt by my revelation, I apologize.


I gave you single ladies credit for being super-observant and perceptive.


A simple acid-test is next time you and your five o’clock shadow man are out on a date, just work it into your intimate conversation over the candlelight and ask, “hun-eee, am “I” ever going to hear wedding bells?”


If he balks, ask why not.


Then test him by saying, “if you love me as you say you do, then you will let me see you clean-shaven. Tomorrow.”


If he balks, clears his throat, looks off, and looks at his shoes, then you will know.


You, my dear, are not “number one” in his life.


I hate to coin an old radio standard, but “ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, the five o’clock shadow knows . . .”

What are "you" guys with "five o'clock shadows" trying to prove

I for one, would love to know because someone needs to tell you that this unshaven face thing has seen its day.
I for one, would love to know because someone needs to tell you that this unshaven face thing has seen its day.

More by this Author


Comments 16 comments

lovedoctor926 4 years ago

I prefer a man clean-shaven; however, there are men who look hot with facial hair. It all depends on the person. If you're going to keep a goatee, at least keep it trim. Great hub! the title caught my attention.


toys-everywhere profile image

toys-everywhere 4 years ago from That little rambunctious spot in the back of your mind :)

I always grew up being freaked out by too much facial or body hair, for example, if you are kissing the guy, you really don't want his "five o clock shadow", another word for vicious and injurious spikes, to be removing your flesh at the same time. xD

This is a great hub, being a single girl since birth I've thought on it a lot, hehe, and I have to agree with you, Kenneth, because I like men that either shave completely or at least keep things tidy. We women have to do it, why shouldn't men? haha Great hub, voted everything. :) --Rachael


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

Blame Don Johnson and Miami Vice!! This trend is ALL his fault..lol..Same with loafers with no socks! Call the cops!! (oh, wait - he WAS the cops)lol..

i like a neat goatee - and when the hair starts to go - HELP IT! bald is beautiful...

Interesting topic, Kenneth...

had fun..


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

I agree...shave already! I personally don't like beards or moustaches on men in general, although some men do look better with them, but I really hate the five o'clock shadow thing! As you so wisely pointed out, it's no longer "hip", just lazy.


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and funny. Amusing way to look at it. Give me clean shaven any day. I remember when I was very small around three I guess and my dad would pick me up to cuddle in the morning before shaving. I would say to him that he had little nails coming from his chin. lol He always was quick to shave then and came back for more cuddles.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear lovedoctor,

Thanks so much for your kind and insightful remarks. Your words brightened-up my morning (Nov. 15, 9:35 a.m., cdst), and I wont forget it.

In 1987 'til 1989, I wore a full-beard because "it" was then, the look. Then I got bored. Shaved it off and wham-o, my only daughter said, "what a relief to have a man for a dad." That was the end of my bearding.

Oh, I have, in the recent past, had neat goat's, but didn't keep them for they turn gray, and I refuse to dye my facial hair for anyone. So I just shave and go about my business.

It's a learning experience at most.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ toys-everywhere/Rachael,

I am with you. Women shave, men should shave too. Why should YOU be burdened with looking smooth and us, like back of a rhino? Not fair. Thank you, kind friend, for your stance with me.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ ImKarn,

Darn that D. Johnson for starting all of this no-shave for men look. Funny, I have never been mistaken for Don, although we look like twins.

And the horrible no-socks thing. I hate that because it makes mature guys look like rubes.

Cant help how I feel and if you like bald, then you like me. I am going to post my New Profile soon and believe me, the Navy SEALs no hair look is what I like.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy,

Thank you, dear friend, for your support and comment. Pam hates the five o' clock thing, but tolerates my goatee, but I don't since it only turns into a gray splotch and what man likes that look? Not me, for I am not a retired, old salty sea captain who lives in rum and tall tales. Hmmm, nice intro for a hub, eh?

You take it, cat.

KENNETH and Crew.///ps: Peter says Hi to you.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Gypsy Rose,

"little nails sticking out of his chin," that pretty much summed up my hub. Thanks for the graphic image. That's why MY FOLLOWERS are the BEST on Hubs.

And I hope that you all have a Clean and Smooth day with no Close Shaves with danger.

Kenneth


That Grrl profile image

That Grrl 4 years ago from Barrie, Ontario, Canada

My ex-husband used to wear a goatee. For some reason that was very sexy on him. I never liked facial hair until then. They made him shave it off for a job later. They allowed him to grow a moustache but it just looked outdated, not dashing and sexy. I don't mind the stubble but once it gets long enough to blow in the wind, it's not stubble.


That Grrl profile image

That Grrl 4 years ago from Barrie, Ontario, Canada

Also, stubble only looks good on a square chin, that chisled look. The boy in your photo at the top doesn't have the right look for the devil-may-care-Indiana-Jones-adventurer type.


Amber-murphy profile image

Amber-murphy 4 years ago from PA

I think your artistic wording for this hub was wonderful. However, I will have to defend the fact that I believe some men look good with a 5 o'clock shadow. It is not a look everyone can pull off, but for some men it really works. Also, there have been studies done that show women's attraction level to men with or without facial hair changes based on her menstrual cycle. The studies have found that a women closer to ovulation finds a man with facial hair more attractive. Just a piece of research that may be able to help someone!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, That Grrl,

Nice to meet you. And I am in agreement with you. "Some" men are made for goatees, five o' clock shadows, even moustaches, I wasnt. I was stating a parody in point about guys, just those who ARE lazy, smug and self-important. NOT your husband by any means.

Tom Brady, yes, he IS that smug.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Amber-Murphy,

And nice to make your acquaintenance. You have a very interesting comment. Never heard this, about a girl's menstrual cycle attracting her to guys with beards before. Thank you for teaching me something new. Im always in the market to expand my mind. And you have accomlished that.

By the way, are YOU a follower of mine? If you are, GREAT. If not, I cordially Invite YOU to be one. Id love that. We could share ideas and storylines about hubs. I will be looking for you.

And Happy Thanksgiving to YOU and That Grrl.

Kenneth


crazybeanrider 4 years ago

I thought I was the only one who thought the unshaven look was a bit much. Even guys who were very clean shaven have taken to this look and I for one think it goes beyond lazy. It just makes them (most of them) in my opinion look dirty and unkept. I always ask myself if they even take a shower or bother to brush their teeth. Just over the unkept look myself. interesting hub, enjoyed reading it.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working