A Story Of Forgiveness And A Healing Heart
Can I Forgive?
The Steps In Forgiving
A Story Of Forgiveness
It took me a long time to figure out the pathway to forgiveness. It is not an easy road. There was a time in my life where my moms mental illness got so bad, I couldn't take it anymore. She wouldn't see a doctor because she felt there was nothing wrong. At this point in my life I wanted peace and I thought by disconnecting from her would solve my problem. No more hurt, no more painful memories to deal with. So that is exactly what I did. We didn't communicate for a long time. At first I felt relief and thought is was the best decision I had made. My husband thought so too. Before you know it holidays came and went, I was just so hurt that I pretended she didn't exist and also that I didn't care but it was slowly eating at my soul because this is not who I was.
I started to go to church and I remember the pastor talking about forgiveness and how God had forgiven us when he had sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. It started to bother me. I felt when I was sitting there that the pastor was looking directly at me, as though God was sending me a message meant especially for me. I was thinking maybe I was the one who was wrong. I felt justification from disconnecting. The disconnect was my way of hurting her but thinking back it was hurting me in more ways than one. I was also disconnecting from God by doing this. I felt as time went by it was not getting easier or better. The guilt started to set in hard. There were days of complete sadness. Some people feel at this point it was a long time, how could you ever get back to the relationship. I went to work everyday and know one never knew the pain that existed. I was like an actress in the biggest role of my life. The role of pretending it didn't matter. I kept telling myself that she wasn't going to hurt me anymore. I was in denial. I decided that I couldn't go on like this anymore. I had to do something to make amends with my mother no matter how hard it would be.
As I look back I was being pulled. I realized it was God.
I was disconnecting from him as well. God has a way of making you feel this way when he wants you to come back. He was planting the seed to my forgiveness. The TV was on one day and I was switching the channels and came across a Joyce Meyer show dedicated to forgiveness. I was watching and thinking yea, yea whatever. She told her story of her forgiveness of her father molesting her as a child and how she forgave him. I thought to myself, if she could do it, so could I. I called my brother and told him I wanted to speak with my mother. He called her and she didn't want to talk to me. I waited and did allot of praying. My husband thought I was crazy to want to have a relationship with her but I told him no matter what happens I have to try. This time I had too. A few months had passed my brother had told me that my mom didn't want anything to do with me. Again I felt hurt but kept with perseverance. God was giving me the strength to keep trying.
My mother decided she wanted to meet me for dinner at a restaurant to talk. I remember we hugged each other and started to talk. It was a slow recovery. I realize that everyone has a different reality and feelings can get hurt. My mom ended up getting the help she needed and is now on medication that makes her think rationally. We go shopping together, she spends weekends at my home. I feel at peace now and the painful memories feel distant and blurry. God has a way of healing your heart when you forgive and not live in the past hurt. People stay together, not because they forget. It is because they forgive. It was a lesson I have learned well. I never thought I would ever have the kind of relationship I have with my mom. It is a bond that will live in my heart, not in darkness. If someone is reading this,
I know exactly how you feel. Your the one that has the power to change it, with the grace of God.
Let God take the pain away. Give him the chance., just try??
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