I knew someone since I was 8 years old. Well, perhaps I thought I knew him. I hadn't seen him in years. You never know how someone will turn out when they are older. You think that what was once their inner core, their true being, the part of them you knew was known to you, would remain the same. Was the footprint of their soul. And perhaps other people didn't know about it, but you did. You were certain that you knew him/her like no one else ever could. And they knew you. Knew the real you, not some portrayal of the you you wanted to be or thought you would be someday or some performance you put on for your friends through those teenage years. The cool you, the moody/pensive you, all those other you's that everyone else was entertained with. No, they knew the real you, the messy, insecure you. They knew you so well you couldn't ever hide from them, they always found you. Oftentimes it seemed as though they knew you better than you knew yourself, which could be annoying. Still, these are the reasons why you trusted them so completely, when suddenly BAM!!
It comes from nowhere and it blind sides you. What was that about? You are so shocked, the wind is knocked from your body. For a moment in that instant that you realize what has just happened to you, you can't even breath. Then came the questions...How could I not have known? How could I not have seen? Was I in some illusion? Was I in denial? Was I just blind and stupid by some attachment to this person? Wow, If you cannot trust someone you have called a "best friend" for 40 years (ok minus those years you were out of touch), how could you know ANYONE? Cynicism creeps in. "Can't trust anyone" you hear yourself saying... Not anyone, particularly anyone you don't know, anyone new, everyone is suspect now.
I am a spiritualist. I live by the ideal that we are all one. We are all connected somehow through the energy that is this universe, created this universe and we are made of. How could I go through life now not believing in those who are, in essence, part of me? As a spiritualist we also believe that what we do to someone we also do to ourselves. Has he somehow betrayed himself as well? Were those feelings real or were they lies? Was he lying to himself as well, or only me? These are questions I will never have the answers to.
However fleeting the pain may or may not be, we hurt others and we do hurt ourselves. This is whether we ignore it or not. But I don't wish pain for him, nor do I hate or resent him. I was shocked by an old friends betrayal and lies. I didn't see it coming. But for some reason, I found it easy to move forward. To acknowledge it, feel the pain and let it go. I would love to think this is my great evolution and enlightenment as a spiritualist, as a person who has studied and learned and grown. Perhaps it is my spitiruality that has carried me through this, I am not sure. But then I wonder what I do know for sure and it suddenly occurs to me.
Perhaps what I know for sure is that people are human and behave in ways we don't always understand, often out of self-preservation. Conciously or subconciously I became aware of this fact and simply forgave him. Forgiving helps us understand and have compassion. It is an amazing tool. I didn't think about it at the time, but I believe that is truly what makes it easier to move on. Because once we have the capacity to forgive, we let go of the pain and move forward.
Sadly, I could never trust him again and he will never be the same person to me that he was all these years. But at least I can forgive him. And that is alot. Maybe everything.
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