Forgiving a Cheater - Staying together After an Affair

Can the marriage survive?

WHAT IS AN AFFAIR?

I actually got this concept from a very old episode of Oprah. Basically what she said, is that it is cheating if you would behave differently if your partner were watching.

That is an excellent definition. For many people an affair means sex. But for other people an affair is anything flirtatious. For some couples, certain behaviors are totally acceptable, like going to a go-go bar, or flirting online in a chat room. For others, such behavior is cheating. Some couples have an open relationship where they can engage in extra-marital sexual situations, but many of those couples have their own rules, such as - no kissing, no friends, no second times.

It is important to make sure you and your partner agree as to what constitutes unacceptable behavior. What anyone else thinks should have no baring on what you and your partner agree to together. But it is vital that you and your spouse are on the same page where this is concerned.

So, you and your spouse agree on parameters for your own relationship. And your partner breaks that agreement.

Now what?

TYPES OF AFFAIRS

There are many different kinds of affairs.

1 - There is the kind where something stupid happens without premeditation or thought. A bachelor party that goes too far. A drunken night in Vegas. "Oops. Sex Happened. I didn't know what I was doing."

2 - There is the kind where it's all intimacy but no physical sex takes place. Affairs online are probably the most common type of affair. Workmates, partners, online chat-rooms... "Since I didn't actually have sex, it's not cheating."

3 - And then there is the full on affair: planned meeting, purposeful rendezvous. Thoughts, romance, sharing, talking, intimacy and sex, all taking place over a period of time. Premeditated. Lying. Everything. "This isn't just a sexual affair. It is an affair of the spirit, mind, and heart."

AFTER AN AFFAIR

Can you forgive a partner that violates the agreement you've made together regarding cheating? Can the marriage survive in a healthy way? That depends.

The first thing you really need to consider is, what kind of affair it was. Let's bluntly break it down.

1 - If it was an "Oops, sex happens" thing, I think from the three types of affairs I described above, this is the easiest to forgive. I'm not saying it's OK, justified, or acceptable on any level. I'm not even saying I would forgive it. But if anyone were to forgive any kind of cheating, I can understand this one the most.

In this situation, someone's head and heart can still belong to you. The flesh was weak. Stupid. Drunk. An opportunist. In a very general way, I can understand forgiving a mistake. 'Still not saying I would, but I can understand.

2 - If it were the affair I described in the second example, that's much more than "a mistake." It's purposeful deception. An affair someone has with a person online, or a coworker, or some situation where sex doesn't happen but there is an intimacy and sharing of emotions and thoughts, is a much deeper thing. The idea that your partner spent time with this person, thinking about them, planning to be with them, having conversations and secrets, laughing and crying... to me this is much more important than one drunk night where someone's pants fell off.

Another point to be made about this, is that there is no way in hell your partner didn't know they were breaking your heart. Whatever they say, whatever they claim, they had to know it was wrong or they wouldn't have kept it secret. You would have been included in those long conversations or chats, you would have been invited to those meetings, if there really was nothing to hide.

This is not only a betrayal of your vows and promises, it is blatant disrespect to you as a person. They cheated with their head and their heart. To many people, myself included, this is much worse than cheating sexually.

3 - The third situation I described above is the full fledged Affair. The whole big enchilada. Purposeful planned meetings, sex and intimacy, closeness and conversation... an Affair, that goes on over a period of time. The ultimate betrayal of every thing that should mean any thing to your partner.

FORGIVE? FORGET?

Is it possible to forgive and forget that third example? That full fledged purposeful intentional affair of the heart, mind, and body?

I think the better question is, why the hell would you? Why would you even think about taking back someone that is capable of lying to your face over and over and over again. Why would you want to be with someone whose promise means nothing?

If this is where you are, you really need to ask yourself what the real reason is for you to even entertain staying married to this person.

If your reason is "for the children" please think again. Do you really want to teach your children that infidelity is OK, or that lying to people you pretend to love is OK? You aren't showing your kids what it is to forgive; you are only showing your kids what it is to be a doormat.

Any person who grew up as a child in a household that "stayed together for the children" will tell you what I'm saying. I promise - any one of them will back me up. Many books have been written on this subject, on the guilt those children feel when they grow up for the parent's being miserable, on the lessons they take away from living like that. It's the dumbest reason in the world to stay together.

If your reason to want to work it out is that you still love this person, think about what self respect means. Get a little therapy. Take a little time. Think about how this person treated you by lying and cheating. Love is hard, and most of us at one time or another has loved the wrong person. But spending your life with a person that clearly does not love you back is a horrible thing to do to yourself. It's a horrible lesson for your children. It's soul sickening.

Let's make this clear: You deserve to be loved. This person does not love you. No matter what they've said out of guilt or fear, they do not love you.

A HEALTHY EVER-AFTER

The healthy thing to do is not spend time and energy and heartache on a marriage that isn't worth it.

There are reasons as to why your mate cheated. Maybe you married young, maybe he has real emotions for this other person. Maybe she's fucked-up, maybe he's just a coward. Maybe the marital sex hasn't been all that. Maybe kids, finances, illnesses, work pressures, and a million other things are involved.

The problem isn't that "problems" cropped up.

The problem is your mate's CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying and cheating.

A person that promises their life to you, then chooses to be a coward when the going gets tough, is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. This person demonstrated in the biggest way possible that they do not love or respect you.

Your mate should have come to you. There should have been communication and trust. If after real effort you couldn't work it out, then your mate should have initiated last resort separation proceedings. If your partner was that unhappy, they should have gotten out of the relationship.If they loved and respected you at all, that's what they would have done.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

More by this Author


Comments 327 comments

Renaissance profile image

Renaissance 9 years ago

Wow, this speaks directly to me and one of my own experiences... unfortunately, I am not alone in that regard.

As always, Veronica, this is a great Hub!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Super-curious about your story now, Ren! I hope you post it, and link it here!


Renaissance profile image

Renaissance 9 years ago

Sorry, I am not trying to hijack your Hubs. I did post this on one of your other Hubs, as I said I might. But, since you are requesting it here, then I'll post it here as well. :)

It is something of a stream-of-consciousness...

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Once_A_Cheat_Alw...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Ren, you can post your links on my pages anytime, hon.


Isabella Snow profile image

Isabella Snow 9 years ago

Oh, I couldn't stay with someone who cheated. I just couldn't. Good hub!


jtboswell profile image

jtboswell 9 years ago

I love this article. Great pictures. You got a fan!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Woo-hoo! I love it!

You do as well ;)


9 years ago

This is very one-sided article. You cannot tell people who come to this site seeking advice that their partner does not love them. Affairs begin because an emotional need has not been met. Not for lack of love. And if a person is considering repairing a broken marriage, especially if the offender is truly remorseful and wants a change, then who are you to tell them its not worth it?


chris201 9 years ago

Excellent article. your advice is always right on.


4Susan 9 years ago

You would really have to be a total fucking asshole to believe a person that cheats on you loves you. A person that cheats on you has no love for you and no respect for you. I can't even believe that fact has to pointed out to some people. It's sad and pathetic that anyone could be that delusional and gullible as to believe their cheating spouse is sorry.


Peter 9 years ago

What I really liked about this article is how well you presented all the different aspects, all the different sides and then stated your opinion. I especially liked how you broke down the different types of cheating. I'm with you in that I think I could forgive a mistake of the flesh. But I am also with you that I could never forgive an affair of the mind.

I'm going through this indirectly right now. My sister's husband cheated on her. It was the kind of affair you described in scenario 3. When she busted him he swore he was so sorry and would stop. Every one she knew warned her not to be that person but she forgave him and stayed in the marriage. I saw his car parked at a sleazy hotel a month after that and I told my sister. Hey, she's my sister. She reasoned it away. Her neighbor told her she saw a woman come to their house after my sister left for work, who was inside with my sister's husband for 2 hours, and left carrying her shoes. But again, she rationalizes with all these reasons to not confront him like the kids and his empty promises. I hate that she's that person. It's hard to think about someone you care about as having no self esteem.


The Good Cook profile image

The Good Cook 9 years ago

This is a very complex issue and I think you have handled it very skillfully. Good job!


Angela Harris profile image

Angela Harris 9 years ago from Around the USA

The photos at the top are great. I really like the Oprah definition of cheating. I personally could never forgive a cheater. I would always wonder what they were really doing everytime they walked out the door. Great hub!


PARTS 9 years ago

This is a kick-ass article. You covered so many different angles. Really well done! And I totally agree with you, any person that stays with a cheater is a fucking fool.


What? 9 years ago

M - you are a fool. Someone who cheats doesn't know how to love. This is an excellent article of truthful advice. You just don't want to hear the truth. If you're the cheater who is sooooo remorseful or if you're the one cheated on lying to yourself about it - either way - you are a misguided ass. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.

Another great tell-it-like-it-REALLY-is article, Veronica!


The Dude 9 years ago

I did feel at times this article was a bit one sided-perhaps its all the hours of being trained in College to find the most non-biased, objective information and advice to filter opinion....but then again, non-biased, objective information does not exist. However, this article did help me..thank you. The love of my life cheated on me and ive been terribly heartbroken for months now...but the part that spoke to me in the article was..."The problem isn't that "problems" cropped up...The problem is your mate's CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying and cheating." This is a very good point-and even if I took her back i doubt I would ever be able to truly forget about what she did-and what a thorn in a relationship that would be. i almost feel that if i truly love her, knowing that this would only cause jealousy and paranoia-therefore creating problems, grief, and fighting, that not taking her back is the best thing for both me and her....unfortunately :(


Mark 9 years ago

The fools are the people who flat out say 'once a cheater, always a cheater' without any facts, or any idea of what contributed to the cheating. people with that mentality will die sad and alone - a habitual cheater is a different story, if it was a mistake and there is true remorse, a second chance is in order, especially if you contributed to the void in the relationship which prompted the other person to seek attention elsewhere.


Jon 8 years ago

I think your argument has some merit but is a little simplistic. Please look at this example in your summary.

"Take a little time. Think about how this person treated you by lying and cheating. Love is hard, and most of us at one time or another has loved the wrong person. But spending your life with a person that clearly does not love you back is a horrible thing to do to yourself. It's a horrible lesson for your children. It's soul sickening.

Let's make this clear: You deserve to be loved. This person does not love you. No matter what they've said out of guilt or fear, they do not love you."

The truth is that for many men affairs begin for exactly this reason. They have often spent years in marriages hat are sexless or consist of 90% begrudging sex. Women in the throws of motherhood can go through years with little emotional consideration for men who they see as irritating and demanding overgrown babies. The result of this is that men have normally become tired of and depressed by rejection before they finally decide to reduce their resentment for their spouse and increase their happiness by having an affair.

This often temporarily relieves much of the tension in the mariage until it is discovered in some way or another. The other problem once this has happened is that affairs are fun and addictive and men find it entertaining to actually be perceived as more attractive when they get older.

The secret for the woman is to always remember the man, even through young motherhood, monogamy is about having ONE sexual and emotional partner, not NONE apart from the odd occasion when she is in the right mood. Most men get married because they want to spend their life with a woman. But equally in the middle of the child rearing process men can get scared that they have condemned themselves to a life of emotional and sexual unfulfilment, apart from the odd weekend away maybe twice a year. Women who focus just on men's sex drives should actually focus more on their emotional drives, that is the key to keeping a man and rejecting him is the key to losing him as rejection is VERY hard to forgive.

Speaking as a man who has had, and been discovered or confessed to having, a number of affairs I can say that for me it is better to feel like a BASTARD RAT than to feel SULKING REJECTED and EMANCIPATED.

What saddens me is that I only ever wanted a good marriage and had never been unfaithful to anyone in my life until 12 years into my marriage. But since my patience snapped and I decided to look elsewhere I have not looked back and although I feel very comitted to my wife in a life sense, I am really struggling to let her back into my heart in a romantic sense... I guess this is a mixture of guilt and resentment.

In conclusion affairs destroy the romance of marriage in an irrepairable way and they break the purity of the relationship forever. Then again life is more than just marriage and providing the love between two individuals is strong enough the loss of the fantasy romance element does not necessarily mean that the relationship has run it's course, it just means it has changed into something different.

Personally my biggest disappointment of this modern era is that the value of simple loyalty and perserverance has been totally overlooked. To me for anyone in a mariage with children to leave someone because they have met someone else is so selfish and short sighted. This happens mostly because the affair has got such bad press in modern western culture, but actually what affairs give society is a more stable family base with far less broken marriages and much more realistic expectations. If myself and my wife manage to ride out our problems over time and we have now been together nearly 20 years. This affairs bit will be a small phase in the middle like the bit when I was unhappy before it.

To me for any marriage where one of the partners has become very unhappy for some time having an affair but staying ultimately loyal to the original partner has more virtue than walking out on your children in the hope that you might find something better.

The biggest damage that divorces bring to society is the increased expectations in children of divorce that their relationship will fall apart too.


Nice Guy 8 years ago

Once a cheater, always is cheater. It amazes me that anyone would argue that. That comment from Mark really cracked me up. "people with that mentality will die sad and alone"

Ummm, no, Mark. People with that mentality will not waste their lives with a liar. People with that mentality will be with mates that won't cheat on them.


Still Thinking 8 years ago

I just wanted to say that this is a hard pill to swallow. Maybe because I am the forgiver not the forgivee. I have always believed in love. I have always had the attitude that I would face life head on no matter what. However, I find myself in a marriage that my husband cheated on me this time last year right before Christmas. Now I struggle with the fact that things are not what I thought they would have been. I thought his remorse would have pushed him to do more in the way of at least working on our wounded marriage. Not the case. He pushes me further and further away and now I feel more alone and lonely than ever before. We are not even good friends. We don’t laugh or make love like we used to. It is not the same. I love my husband, however it may have been better if I would have just walked away like the article suggest.


Kenny Wordsmith profile image

Kenny Wordsmith 8 years ago from Chennai

It's difficult to people to let go of a long relationship. If one cheats, it requires a big effort to let go. Many continue to be in the relationship, in a self-imposed blindness.

Though I feel that a second chance should be given, if you love that person that much. 

There's no need of a third chance. 

I heard an Indian actor say that he was faithful for lack of opportunity. So to remain faithful, he eliminated all such situations in his lifestyle. Boring, but he could ensure a happy marriage.

Thanks, your hub set me, and so many others above me in the comments section, thinking. 


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Oh Boy Oh My there are many many trueth in your Hub my dear, I totally agree a liar and cheater is not a person to spend your time with. I gave my 33 year love a whole year to think about it, to change his ways, to think about the passionate love we shared for 32 years....

After that I asked him to please move out and go live with her.Which he did. I'm not saying it wasn't one of the hardest things I've had to do...but one of the most necessary things I had to do. Time heals, hearts mend and love can come again.

I forgive him, I will never forget our times shared, but also will never forget the pain,and sorrow, but am now healed (almost) and moving on with my life, more learned, a bit wiser and you know what else I AM BACK. G-Ma :O)


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Good for you G-Ma! Thanks so much for your comment. It certainly is inspiring and encouraging for anyone struggling with the same decision you had to make.

Happy New Year


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

Why we people can't admit that both men and women are *not* wired for life-time monogamy, and adjust our expectations accordingly?

When we stop thinking of our spouse as our property, life becomes happier tenfold...


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Oh You Misha..no one said property..did they?  But being honest and truethful are an importtnat part of any relationship...in my humble opinion..And who knows what is ahead of any of us..Just dealing with the pain and hurt is rough..but knowing  I can go on , go forward and be happy is a bit of help..You act so tough my dear..I bet you are as soft as any of us...G-Ma :O)


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

G-Ma, sure I'm as soft as everybody around. :)

And I'm talking from my personal experience... I know that converting one's thinking and feeling takes quite a lot of pain and effort, cause I've been through this. I know it is doable, cause I did it. And I know that reward is worth it, cause I live a different life now :D


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

MISHA - Thanks for the comments. I would really appreciate your thoughts as well, on a blog I just wrote that deals directly with what you're saying.

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Threesomes-Pros-

I hope you'll take the time to read it and comment. Thanks, Misha!

G-Ma, I just want to hug you, you're adorable.


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

Veronica,

I read the hub you mentioned. I like it :) I even tried to comment there - but I couldn't. It just does not fit my life experience, and anything I could possibly say there would be a pure speculation :)

What I preach - and my wife preach - and what is directly related to this particular hub - is to allow your partner to have as many affairs as he/she needs. You don't have to bend your nature to stay with one partner all the time, and you don't have to lie. We both know about any affair as it unfolds. And I agree to you wholeheartedly - this is not an affair what breaks the family, this is lie what does it...

Funny enough, we did not have any affairs since we got kids - I guess we just don't have time for this now :D


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Misha,

I applaud you!!

Thank you for reading my hubs, I appreciate it. I had the feeling that, even though we're living life differently, that we actually agree on the true nature of things. And I knew you'd have value imput. I LOVE that you and your wife have found what works for you. I love that you have honesty. I love that you do not conform to what other people think is acceptable.

The only things I preach are honesty and communication. Thank you so much for *getting* that. You are exemplary.

Best to you and yours,

Veronica


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 8 years ago from Sydney

This Hub gives good truthful advice.  It's not easy truth to hear, which is why it's garnered such reactions. 

I don't think Misha's response invalidates the Hub, because someone who is having an affair in the full knowledge of their partner isn't cheating. You're only cheating if you're doing something in secret, because you're not giving your partner a chance to make the choice.

Like the guy who posted about having multiple affairs as the only way of staying in his marriage.  I agree with him, that many women are their own worst enemies - as soon as the babies come along, they transfer all their attention to them, and think their husband should too.  But cheating is not the answer!

 What a hell to find yourself in.  Each partner tolerating the other for the sake of staying with the children.  Do you really think the kids haven't noticed?  They're learning about relationships from your behaviour - do you want to stuff up their future too?  If you couldn't talk to your wife about it, how about going to a counsellor?  By yourself first, to help you find the words to persuade your wife to join in. 


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Thanks for your comment Marissa. I caught some of Dr Phil just today regarding people that stay married for the children. He said, "Most children would rather be from a broken home, then IN one." I completely agree with him. I think people that claim they are staying together for the kids are doing a horrible diservice to their children. I also think most of them know it, but are cowards using that as an excuse. I agree with Misha about most things. I think I've been very clear in my HUBS about affairs - The problem is not loving two people, or sleeping with multiple people. The problem is the lying. I agree it is a shame if a new mother puts all her energy into the kids and changes everything so much that the husband becomes miserable. I agree that's wrong, and grounds to rethink the marriage. However, I also agree that cheating isn't the answer. Anyone that justifies his cheating and lying with that bullshit, and then claims he is doing the noble thing by staying for the sake of the children, is seriously in need of psychiatric help. You're right Marisa, what a hell that would be to find yourself in, tolerating each other and pretending it's the best thing for the kids.


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

Ladies,

I was not trying to invalidate the hub, and I'm sorry if it looked that way. I was suggesting a different approach to the problem, the only one that can really solve it - I believe :)


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Misha,

Your message came through. I didn't think you were trying to invalidate the hub at all. I agree with your thinking and I'm always happy to see you've commented. Thanks for checking in ;)


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 8 years ago from Sydney

Sorry if that came out wrong, Misha, I go the message too - I just wasn't sure other people would.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Ahh... i love it when we're all polite and insightful, having an intelligent exchange.

**feeling the love**


Sally Dillon profile image

Sally Dillon 8 years ago from Pacific Northwest

I enjoyed the insights in your article. Well said. I'm amused at the back and forth with Misha. My ex boyfriend was Ruski. It was fine for him to have all three kinds of affairs. We tried to be more open at one time, to solve this. But when I told him that I went on a simple date where we only danced but did not even kiss or hold hands, he flipped out. He ranted at me for about two hours saying, "How could you do this?!" It is a different mentality there. In some places of Russia, there are six times as many women as men. The women are desperate to have husbands and put up with cheating behavior because, as one Ruska softly and sadly told me, "What choice do we have? Where can we go?" My ex actually tried to get me to accept the fact that he was going to go back to Russia to marry a very young virgin picked out by his mother. He said, "She is only a wife - for having children with." I hope he is not representative of all Russian men.


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

You hit the nail Sally, this is exactly what I was trying to convey here :D


solarcaptain profile image

solarcaptain 8 years ago from california

We all pick our own poison, I think. for the Russian man it my be a very young virgin, unless you are a very young virgin yourself, who would want to go through what he is setting himself up for? He must be terribly insecure and strange. Who allows their mother to pick out a bride? They are both in a fantasy world.

The truth is, the virgin is actually trying to get out of Russia and who wouldn't? In a year she won't be so compliant when she sees herself in demand by younger, wealthier, and more intelligent men or, she my decide to put herself on the internet and find a man 'more worthy."

One thing is certain, when people are looking to exploit others they may find the tables turned on them--for surely what comes around definitely goes around.

The man who says he wants an open relationship is really saying, love me unconditionally, even though I cheat. I may say it is all right for the two of us to cheat but when push comes to shove, he really feels like he should be the only one.

When they finally present for counseling, an experienced therapist may easily identify that a cheating relationship is going nowhere but into the mud. The object of the therapy is not necessarily to try and repair the irreparable, but to identify exit strategies that do the least harm to innocent parties. It's almost certain the lifestyles of the partners will change significantly, but more so the woman, who, being the child rearer, has the children and may have to learn to live on a whole lot less.

Your post, along with all the comments caught my eye. Excellent. Thank you.


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

Umm, I'm trying to understand - why you are stuck with discussing russian men as top cheaters? Is it something that is widely known in US and kept as a top secret from us russians? ;)


chantelg4 profile image

chantelg4 8 years ago from Northern Ontario

This is a tough one, I understand Misha's point on one hand, as far too many of us go into a relationship with a determined mind set and expectations which often times are unrealistic, on the other hand, I am a girl who demands respect and would not tolerate the #3 scenario, however I have been through #1 and was able to forgive and totally forget, beside, to prove his loyalty, he painted his car in bright neon pink with the words "I love you Chantel". He drove around with that for weeks unitl his dad finally told him it was time to take it off. Of course that was 15 years ago, we married and seperated after 10 years, but we are still the best of friends. Go figure!


lilpigg93 8 years ago

Well, I've read over several of the items above and I have to say that unless you'be been through #3 you really can't say anything. I HAVE and the past year has SUCKED! NO the past 14 years that lead up to the affair SUCKED. But so much lead up to my partners affair. Married young, kids to young, fu**ed up childhoods, me being BLIND and pretending all was perfect, not to mention the fact that on the job someone tried to take my partners life! I'm not going to make excuses for what he\she did but our life sucked for a long time. We thought we knew what we were doing. We talked more than you could know but we NEVER talked about the things that mattered to our marriage. THe affair lasted 4 months and almost destroyed our life. Some people believe that love is conditional, I think had my spouse not believed this then the affair wouldn't have gone so far but who knows. We have worked out our problems and are doing great, my problem is that my partner seems to have found strengths and faith and I have lost so many of mine. I feel we swaped roles!! I don't want to make the same mistakes, I do love my spouse and I do believe he/ she has changed because he/she is NOT the same person! He/She is the person I always saw, BUT where did I GO!!

Can you answer that instead of calling people stupid. Until you walk in someones shoes you can't judge them.

OH and when a marriage goes bad, the cheating spouse didn't get to that road alone. The hurt spouse has to take responsibility for what they did. NO I'm not saying they has anything to do with the affair that was the cheaters CHOICE but a bad marriage takes two on some levels.


Heike 8 years ago

My husband had an affair 8 years ago for almost one year. It was the most painful thing i have ever gone through. Today the pain is still there, he never explained why in all these years. Our sex life has never recovered. I have decided to leave him. The hardest thing for me is to forgive! He never showed remorse and to this day I feel like I am just here because he is 58 years old and he does not want to loose his financial freedom! So to make a long story short, don't do what I did and stay in amarriage that has been betrayed by everything a marriage should be "TRUST".


destinyann profile image

destinyann 8 years ago

I never been married but my boyfriend had affair .And my dad had affair on my mom she put up with it for years .He spent all the money .mom work hard and he beat her .he had no love for us .My left one night after dad beat her and she never married .She died 2 years ago . and I still remember how he treated her my opinion affair should never be forgiven


mens_divorce 8 years ago

Doesn't anybody believe in the old adage that "once a cheater, always a cheater" anymore? It takes a certain type of person to go out and cheat on someone that they claim to love and then come back as if nothing has ever happened. I gave my ex-wife the benefit of the doubt when she broke down and told me she went out on a date with a co-worker. She talked as if she was made the biggest mistake of her life. I fell for it. Part of me was wondering if she was just testing my forgiveness. We were divorcing 2 months later when I found out that she was having a full blown affair for over 3 months, and she had zero remorse! I will never go through anything like that again.


Steve 8 years ago

I offer another side. Yes, you can forgive and forget. Not every cheater is a back-biting, cruel, slut, whatever. Sometimes the relationship is broken. If that's the case, it's the fault of BOTH people, not one. And things that are broken can be fixed. My wife cheated on me and I - thank God - asked myself, why? What had I done to push or let her away? It was the right question 'cause we then asked many more. I wouldn't trade the depth of relationship we have because we worked our GUTS OUT to fix our marriage for anything.


MOmmagus 8 years ago

I love the smeared dust on the car. classic. as far as the russia virgin incident - you're better off without him!

I also agree that there is different "levels" of cheating. we should come up with a color coded system, like, he's a code red cheater, cut off his balls!


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

And she is a code red cheater, cut off her boobs? :D


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Mommagus & Misha: That would solve the problem in both cases. You guys are brilliant! I think you've come up with a fail-proof system. A few of those, and the infidelity rates should drop drastically.

Wish I'd known about it a few years ago, I might still be married to a (ball-less)code red.


MOmmagus 8 years ago

This is for everyone in the process of figuring it all out:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.

THere is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in

I am lost...I am helpless It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in...it's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

That was good.. I loved it. G-Ma :o) hugs HAPPY EASTER


Getting through 8 years ago

It sadden me to read some of the comments posted. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and 6 months ago he hooked up with a women from his past. I was in school and working on our future and really didn't have much time to worry when my husband said he was feeling all alone. I knew something was going on and after 3 and half months I called him on his game. The truth came out and I was devastated. We are now in counseling and he understands that what he was feeling was felt, but it was not real.

I know that he is truly sorry for what he did. Looking back he says that it is the thing he regrets the most. We struggle daily to try and rebuild what we BOTH helped mess up. I do not in any way condone what he did, but I think our marriage is worth saving.

You may call me a fool, but each marriage must be looked at for it's individuality and judged that way. My husband was terrific through 18 1/2 years and he made a mistake. He must live with the guilt of what he did and I must live with the pain. I would say that if we can be happy for another 18 1/2 years than the emotions that we are going through now are well worth it.

No one should be judged because they chose to give their spouses another chance. One chance only though. If this were to happen again then I know it was a mistake and I would leave him.


dave 8 years ago

i am currently trying to forgive my girlfriend, after finding her in a local hotel with a co-worker. my first response was to throw her out, but after three days I let her come back. i don't know how long the sex part had been going on but became suspicious one nite when i went to pick her up from work because i had her car. i waited for an hour when she called to let me know she was at home but couldn't get in cause i had her keys. her coworker that i caught her with had brought her home and red flags went up, and i questioned her, she denied anything was going on. hers was definitly a #3 affair. the reason I let her back was because I had to be man enough to admit that i was partly to blame,trying to heal now. we'll see how it goes. the trust is the tough one, the love Is still there


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Dave

Thanks for the comment. I'm impressed with your strength and candidness.

The only advice I'd offer to you is based on the trust statement you made. The real problem isn't so much the affair as it is the lie. That is where you need to focus your efforts now. You said you were partly to blame. I don't know your circumstances specifically but I understand that sometimes it takes two. However, the fact that she chose to lie instead of to tell you that you had messed up and driven her to a certain point, is the issue. I hope you can heal, whatever that turns out to be for you.

Best of luck.


dave 8 years ago

thank you veronica

i am glad you didn't tell me that im being stupid and naïve. at 53 its not the 1st time a #3 has happened to me. my part in this whole thing was that I was not giving all of myself to the relationship, trying to protect myself and my daughter. basically I was keeping our relationship a secret, so in a way I was also guilty of lying. she felt that the scope of our relationship was great sex and nothing more, i'm not hiding us any more, she needed to know that she meant more to me than that...I cant blame her for that...


dave 8 years ago

btw ,I fully intend to let you all know how this turns out for us. its only been 3 weeks since i caught her, and only now am beginning to be able to be at least a shadow of the real me. I have already been through most of the phases that are similar to having a loved one die way too soon...self pity, anger, deep sense of loss, guilt, and over compensation in trying to ACT normal as if everything is ok. went through the same thing when my mom died at the age of 58. I have hope...but my eyes are wide open. I am a very intuitive person, and wont be fooled again, not that I was at all fooled the first time, just needed the proof...she's not a very good liar!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

I think it's great that she's a bad liar! The obvious reason aside, being bad at something usually deters one from doing it. People that ski badly don't ski. People who take lousy photos tend not to take photos. Bad liars tend not to do it. Thanks for keeping us posted Dave, I hope you continue to do so. Agan - focus on the honesty and communication. Best to you.


dave 8 years ago

yes, yes, yes! I totally agree! you have great insight veronica! I totally am thankful for your support, and wisdom...glad there is someone like you for support in these heart wrenching situations...thanks again!


quotations profile image

quotations 8 years ago from Canada

I think whether a relationship can survive an affair depends a lot on whether the cheater ended the affair first and admitted his/her error, and wants to heal the relationship with you, or whether you catch them and they end it because they can no longer get away with it. If they end it because you catch them, their apologies and regrets are likely motivated only by the fact that they got caught and they don't want to face your wrath or the legal consequences such as a divorce. If they only ended it because they got caught, it means they would have continued if you didn't know about it which in turn means 1) you can't trust they won't continue the affair and just try to hide it better 2) start a new affair later with someone else and try not to get caught the next time.


dave 8 years ago

quotations, you are absolutely right and I guess that is why I am still being cautious. as you know, they were caught, but after 53 yrs. one thing I have learned is that there are exceptions to every rule...nothing in life is cut and dry...perhaps if she would have come forward, told me of the affair, and that it was over it would have been much easier to forgive and forget (I've already been there with her). It is still a struggle, and I am not going into this with blinders on, internally I question every word she speaks, and every move she makes and quite frankly to this point am not convinced that shit aint still going on....if it is, I'll catch her, the town I live in is way too small to get away with much. am giving her a sense of security, which will make it easier for her to make a mistake and for me to catch her...I give it 3 months, and if by then she hasn't convinced me its done and over, I'll move on, and I will be nice and honest about it. as I said I will keep you all posted on the outcome of this thing...thanks for your thoughts, all input helps!!1


alesiarhea 8 years ago

Once a Cheat always a Cheat! I would and will not forget get that! So the answer is I would ask.... Paper or Plastic? To throw his stuff out!


a bad spouse 8 years ago

I understand completely where you are coming from, up until 6 months ago i agreed and believed the same. Sometimes life dosent work out the way it should, and people make horrible, horrible mistakes. I have been married for 12 roller coaster years, married young, i got all the excuses, but i had an affair, not a fling, not a one night drunken stand, buyt the "whole enchilada" and was going to actually leave my husband and start a life with this other person. Then it happened, i relized through this affair that I was making a huge mistake, and i truly love my husband and am so sorry i am chosing to confess to him and beg his forgiveness, praying that he is a better person than I would be if the situation was reversed. i have all the excuses, i had only been "with" my husband, ignored, older spouse who wasn't attracted to me ect. The fact is it was, and is my fault. But maybe there can be hope after the affair, maybe that "slap in the face" can make a person really love their spouse more? Just a thought. The fact is cheating has existed since relationships and marriage were created, it happens, it is how a couple choses to deal with it that is up to them, not anyone else, People can change, especially when they have done something so terrible, if there was no remorse why bother trying to salvage! Once a cheater always a cheater isn't ALWAYS the case.


dave 8 years ago

nothing in life is cut and dry, I have forgiven my girlfriend, we are trying to move forward. the hard part is the honesty issue...if you are truly sorry and, you are being honest with yourself, your husband is going to need a long time to heal and, you will need to be patient with him. he will be very insecure and he may do some things that will be hard for you to accept...but you must give him this time to search out the truth in his way. remorse alone is not going to be enough to heal the pain he will be feeling...saying that you are so sorry, will not be enough. you now need to totally open a transparency that allows him to know exactly what you are doing, at all times. privacy for now is history for you at least until he heals...I wish you all the hope and prayers of success in your marriage...it is always worth the effort no matter the outcome


dave 8 years ago

am reporting on my situation, progress has been made, but god its painful. I had to tell her I don't yet trust her, that I'm watching every move she makes, and listening to every word she says, that I am going forward with eyes wide open. she was actually, to my surprise OK with that...she is actually trying to be more transparent. unfortunately at dinner the other nite she got a call from an old "friend" and she cut the call short...she did not lie about who it was and admitted that the call was cut short because she knew it would bother me and she did not want a setback...I'm pretty sure the call was innocent enough, but am not totally sure...that's the hard part of this whole trust issue. I cannot deny her right to have male friends, its just separating the friends from the potential affairs that is driving me crazy...trying very hard to deal with this thing without being anal about everyone she talks to. now I find out that she has a female co-worker who would love to do the wild thing with her...how much more complicated can this get before I just say fuck it and move on? any help out there?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Dave

There are certain lines. Lines that once crossed, can never be uncrossed.

The problem isn't in the sex, or the love. It isn't in the lack of. It isn't in the growing.

The problem is the lying.

It's hard to offer you advice when I only have the facts as you've presented. From what you've said it really sounds as if she's trying. But if you're this miserable, I don't know that it's worth it.

One small piece of advice I can offer concerns the friendships. You said, you can't deny her her male friends. Well, I think you can. I think considering the circumstances, you have every right to make an agreement on this- a temporary treaty. Many couples in the early stages of building trust make temporary arrangements concerning all kinds of things to help them relax and be open. These thigns relax in time. If she's really committed, I don't think it's a lot to ask of her. Both of you could contact your opposite sex friends (and her hot female coworker) and say, "I need us to take a break right now. I hope you can respect my request. I'm working hard on a big trust issue in a my most important relationship, and this is something we are doing for each other. It's just for right now, it has nothing to do with you, I hope you can be the friend that I need and just give me the space I'm asking for, just for a little while to help my partner and I get through our toughest time."

Real friends will respsect that. Often just the effort of it is enough. It's also a great way to see what friends are actually supportive, understanding, good ones, and which ones have ulterior motives. Maybe every relationship doesn't have to do this, but yours is different. She cheated on you. She changed the rules. You're allowed to ask for support while you work at repairing the damage. You're not asking for friendships to end. You're asking for time. You're allowed.

And Dave, here's a clear flag: if she can't do this for you, your answer as to when t say fuck it should be clearer.

Keep us posted...


dave 8 years ago

veronica, once again you seem to hit the nail on the head for me. I was always told trust no one till they've earned it...I've always done the exact opposite, I trust everyone until they give me a reason not to. doing it my way I've been bitten in the ass in many relationships, romantic and otherwise. you would think I would have learned by now, but in my heart I have got to believe that the good people outnumber the bad, and that even the good ones are not perfect...make bad decisions...so need a break, I need only look in the mirror to accept this, lord knows I've made many bad decisions in my life and have lied to people that I never wanted to hurt. I really am having a hard time with this one though, probably because in the past I always just closed the book...for some reason I need to see the end of this story...hope its a happy ending. thx for your time and words of wisdom.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

All cleaned up.

Thanks for checking back in Dave. Anytime, you're welcome here.

Best.


kevin 8 years ago

what if they was high on cocaine? my girl went to a party and she got drunk and they talked her in to cocaine and her mind was somewhere else...she told me about it and she didn't want someone else telling me so she went ahead and was brave enough to tell me....does this mean she wants things to work out instead of throwing it away?


dave 8 years ago

cocaine doesn't make you stupid, she must have known that someone found out who she knew, cared more about you than her...perhaps she was given a choice and decided that it would be better to tell you herself...if she is a party animal, and young, yuo're probably better off without her. I could never accept drunk on cocaine as an excuse for infedelity. I've been drunk and on cocaine and always knew exactly what I was doing. perhaps there was some other drugs involved...sorry I cant give better advice...need more info on your situation to better help you. as far as my situation goes things are at a point where I am getting closer to really know exactly what happened. gal I'm seeing has some major commitment issues due to her own history...am very close to accepting that our situation was totally due to a combination of two fucked up lives. we're both good people who got wrapt up in history instead of the moment, and afraid of the future. we are being more open with each other than ever before and have both agreed to put each others opposite sex friends on hold for the time being till we get this thing worked out. It's great to feel that we are moving forward...but we are far from the end of it.


kevin 8 years ago

well i kinda pissed her off because she was talking to a lot of guy friends and i was joking and i called her a whore and she took it to heart. we left each other that night and she was really hurt. she thought i was going to be one of them guys that get jealous because she has had guys that called her a whore and they meant it. she was very very sorry and she almost was crying. man i love her a lot and that day something stopped me from walking away. it wasn't that she had the face either. it was just something that stopped my morals of cheating because they was very strong and i couldn't walk away like i did every other girl. she has been through hell her entire life and everyone has looked down on her. i held her and told her that i refused to give up on her but i asked her not to do it again and she hugged me and cried... now i don't know what happened that day. i don't know if you believe in God or not. we just misunderstood each other that's all. when she got high it increased the emotions and things got out of hand. shes now right with God because she went to the alter sunday and she gave it all up for me. right now i have alittle trust issue but in my heart i have faith in God that he will make us stronger and that she will learn to tell me how she feels before leaving me for the day. we both are in love with each other and i understand her past. everyone has left her because no one taught her that it is wrong to get revenge for something like that. i was honestly joking with her but she took it the wrong way. im slowly gaining trust in her now because we held each other at the alter and she laid her head on my shoulder and cried her eyes out. maybe i opened her eyes by not leaving her like everyone else did.


dave 8 years ago

I believe in a higher power....I don't call it god anymore and i believe it lives inside each of us. calling a woman a whore is very disrespectful even in jest. expect bad things every time you do it. you are very lucky that she came back to you at all. as far as i'm concerned, the only thing she needs to be taught, is to consider carefully wether or not she really needs to be with someone so shallow and thoughtless, to even in jest use such a filthy tag. as far as i can see you need to grow up and treat your lady with R.E.S.P.E.C.T. you're very lucky that this other guy was probably just as immature as you. I hate to be harsh, but you really need to take a good look at yourself and admit that YOU, caused this. not cocaine, not alcohol, but your mouth. give me a break, no one taught her that it was wrong to get revenge for what you called her? in my opinion the only wrong thing she did was go back to you. NEVER EVER JOKE that way again and someday you just be forgiven...I wish you luck with your life...


dave 8 years ago

btw kevin,

it takes a big man to admit he screwed up, can you do it? you should let her know that you understand that it was your fault for what happened and tht you are grateful that she loves you enough to forgive you...I'm pretty sure that you have plenty of female friends too. and between you and me...I really have a hard time believing that there wasn't some jealousy behind your joke...I'm a man who knows how mens minds work...


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 8 years ago from Sydney

Kevin - you were just "joking around" when you called her a whore?????? If any man said that to me, he'd be dumped so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. I'd never talk to him again. It's not something it's possible to joke about. ANY woman would find that deeply, deeply offensive. She was silly to take revenge the way she did, but Dave's right - you were the one who triggered off the chain reaction.


kevin 8 years ago

i know and we worked it out. i hold her now...she seems to be happy too. she sings to me a lot now that we've gotten past it and moved on. she loves me a lot. i love her a lot too. now i know that i did wrong first. i just never forgave a cheater before...somehow i did her. i love her with all my heart and i know she wants to do right. we are in church now and we are getting closer. im starting to trust her too because shes in church. God will move in our lifes. i have faith in it. im not a bad guy either...i was really joking around. i do that with some of my friends that are girls and they joke around too so i figured well ya know. no sense of making excuses for myself. what happened happened and she didn't throw me away and i didn't her. God must have wanted us to be.


Kevin 8 years ago

and they was a little jealousy behide dave. ive always hated jealousy but ive been hurt too much to trust anyone and i get sick and tired of being good to girls and have them do me like they do. but hey that's life right? idiots do stupid things. either remain idiotatic about somethings to be stupid about all. i wont lie i was jealous. its just happened to me too much not to be ya know? but i am not now. i learned not to do that again and your right Marisa i did screw up and she should have dumped me in a heartbeat. but she didn't so that must mean she loves me...i must love her to still be with her. we are starting to get to tell each other what we like and do not like. things will work out i know it. We've both been hurt a lot. i didn't mean to hurt her if i did. i just didn't want anyone to take her away from me because him and his friends was trying to get her to travel with them and she said that she would if it wasn't for her kids. hearing that hurt me....i guess that's what started off. i just don't want us to end over being pissed off. it shows that we have commiment instead of giving up. is that a good thing?


Kevin 8 years ago

but hey i do treat girls right. i really do. its something i believe strong about. i exspect if im going to do right then they shouldn't act like they like every guy they see or if they do then to not show it. that hurts a lot when you see ur girl hugging a guy she doesn't even know. makes you wonder sometimes. but i want to forget about it. i don't want to talk about it no more because i want things to work out and so does she and its best to never mention it again. i screwed up and we are together. we love each other very much still and im looking forward to hearing her sing to me again. thanks for you guys. id probilly go crazy if i didn't have anyone to talk to about this. i know your random ppl but you guys know your stuff. Thank You So Much. laterz


dave 8 years ago

to kevin,

you sound very young to me, I hope you have learned a valuable lesson but I cant be sure that you have. you say you don't want to think about it, don't want to talk about it, but you really do need to think and talk about it or you are doomed to repeat the same shit over and over again.

I would sugget that for one thing, you need to cease calling her a cheater, you said in your second post that you left each other, and assume that meant that you were basically broke up, which I would expect under the circumstances, you also said that you are only now sharing your likes and dislikes....hmmm. how much in love could you be if you are only just getting to know each other? Love at first sight? I don't beieve in that, but i do believe that either you are attracted to people or not. you may have an infatuation, and you're obviously very posseve, deadly combination for a relationship...some people are just huggy by nature...I know plenty of people who are, and that doesn't mean they want fuck em all...its kind of like a handshake but feels better. that was something I had to learn when I was younger because like you I was very jealous, possessive, and if my gal even looked at another guy, I'd dream up all kinds of crap that simply wasn't true.

in A.A. we all hold hands, we hug, and we're complete strangers...we don't all have an orgy after a meeting...get it?

another thing...you now admit that you really were jealous and then out of the other side of your mouth you continue to say that you were joking...dude, you were not joking...you are sending mixed signals to us, so I have to believe that you are sending mixed signals to her...and who's idea was it to go to church? from what you've wrote it's your idea...have you asked for counseling from your pastor,reverend or priest? I don't think you have or you would have shared that. makes me feel that the poor lady your with is very insecure,leans on you heavily and you are prolly a control freak. you are not going to fix a damn thing sitting in a pew, listening to a sermon, and singing to each other. feels good at the moment but once its over, its back to the same old thing, for me church once a week ,is once a week spiritual masturbation...sorry. unless you live it 7 days a week, that is all it is. I am 53, and closer to 54, and still make mistakes...still learning...if you think you've got it all worked out now, and if you really believe that going to church is going to fix it all, I am sorry for you. mostly because of one thing you said which was and I quote" she went to the altar Sunday and she gave it all up for me"...dude, the altar is for giving it all up for Christ!!! Not kevin.


Leigh 8 years ago

HI,

I was a cheater, I had an affair for 8 months. My girlfriend found out and of course I broke her heart; I wasn't just a cheater mind you I was a general bad sort, estranged from my family, selfish, uncaring, you name it. I seen first hand what someone like me could do to antother person and it made me think that no individual deserves to abuse such a power, the power to break a heart.

My heart broke too deservedly and I decided to change the person I was. I became a Christian and have completely left my past behind, including most friends and social life. My girlfriend loved me loads and thankfully she took me back.

Now this isn't a happy story, and it certainly isn't a preach; I still did those terrible things and nothing can change that. I just think to say "once a cheater always a cheater" is a little unfair. People (some) do change and sometimes there can be a future.


dave 8 years ago

leigh,

i know i been doin a bit o preachin, but none 4 u, amazin that she stuck with u after an 8 month affair...but I do believe people can change...hope u have really got a handle on who u really want to be for her and you...tell me more...how old are r u? how "bad" do u feel u r etc. been doin a lot of soul searching myself...pls tell me more about u would like 2 know...a friend always, and to kevin too! kevin...I know I've been abit hard on you but, I think theres always hope for everyone....even you, just wanted to share with you some stuff I know for sure. veronica needs to jump in on your story cause I'd really like to read her take on your particular situation...veronica....you there? would really like to know your view on kevins story....yours, dave


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Oh I'm here as always, dave. But I'm not going to comment on this one ;)


dave 8 years ago

understood, hope you don't think I was too hard on kevin, there are some things I feel very strongly about...I think a lot of guys don't have enough respect for women like they're somehow above them...I wouldn't be where I am without the women that have been in my life for better or worse...I spent a good deal of my childhood on the sidelines listening to what the girls said about guys and what bothered them hoping that it would make me a better partner. of course that was just a dream, the female is a very complicated human and men are simpletons, superficial, selfish, oh so many things I never wanted to be. Don't get me wrong....theres lots of great guys out there, but I feel that they're far and few between. I would like men to appreciate women for the wonderful people they are. I would like it to be a perfect world too but I know it will never be, so I have no choice but to continue on my journey, stumbling along, spilling my guts , hoping someone like you will come along and keep me from drowning in the cesspool of crap we call life. I am grateful for you, your honesty and the breath of fresh air you give all of us lost souls, again, thank you Veronica.

dave


unsure 8 years ago

My husband cheated..im trying to forgive..but how do i when he has admitted that he enjoyed himself when in the act...how do you work past the fact that he enjoyed the sex...how do i compare now..i feel destroyed sexually..like my body was not good enough...like i lack something...he has told me it was 100% his fault.........he says sex with me ment more.....all i think is "ya but you enjoyed the sex" how am i to feel like i matter....


kevin 8 years ago

Hey Unsure. ALL SEX IS ENJOYABLE cheating or not. So at least he was honest right? If he said he felt something more that probably means he felt love with you but not the person he cheated with. Hit anything?


kevin 8 years ago

Hey Unsure. ALL SEX IS ENJOYABLE cheating or not. So at least he was honest right? If he said he felt something more that probably means he felt love with you but not the person he cheated with. Hit anything?


Kevin 8 years ago

preying will help us get through this stuff. i went to the alter tonight and i was relieved of everything that has been going on. i gave it to God. dave i know that u probilly are going to say something but don't. God is the only power i believe in and if it wasn't for him id be dead and so would my mom and dad. thanks for the advice though. i shall come to you guys every now and then to hang out and talk about this issue so that we can gather the best understanding possible.


Leigh 8 years ago

Hi dave I am 26, I was 24 when my girlfriend found out, 23 when it happened. I felt bad like you wouldn't know, but I knew it was my fault for everybodies feelings. It was a slow process I didn't suddenly change overnight but I don't feel bad at all anymore because it changed me for the better and given me and my girlfriend a life. Of course I would have rathered I had changed without causing so much pain and destruction, but I have/will rebuild many bridges. I am also very aware that this is a rare thing and that most couples simply cannot survive the type of thing I did.


Kevin 8 years ago

Cheating can be very hurtful. Even if your the person cheating. My girl felt really bad for cheating on me but I told her I understood. You need to ask your mate why they cheated instead of just walking away and telling them off. If they are sensear then they probably wasn't in the right mind. Remember we are not perfect in this world. We regret many many many many things. But its the corrections we make that makes us who we are. Not what we used to be.


Ended my relationship with satan's daughter 8 years ago

Dave,

I am really interested in finding out what happens with your relationship in 6 months from now. My bet is it will be devestating. It sucks when you love someone so much and know that the two of you are perfect for eachother, but some people just have issues and life is too short.


HKIV 8 years ago

here we go


HKIV 8 years ago

my messed up story sounds very similar. got together young (raised her child as my own) had a child of our own, got married, spent the last 15 yrs together. FELL APART! I ve always been a good provider,faithful with the promise that if we were ever to cheat WE would just leave 1st then do what we had to do(thought we had a mutual understanding on things! )MY STORY; I/WE was going through some employment issues for about a year. long story short-we quit talking and touching. come nov 30 she comes home from work and starts blasting me about bills and christmas and what we were gonna do. I didn't have a plan. She left all the money at her moms before she shows up and had made arrangements for another vehicle and told me if i was leaving i need to take the truck and go. SO i head off. went out that night to blow off some steam, ended up at another womans house and we stayed up talking and drinking the entire weekend. nothing more. Wife shows up sunday at my place and ask where ive been.TOLD HER EVERYTHING. speeds off thought we were finished. following weekend sex follows. another weekend SAME but knew this isn't what I wanted. New Years broke it off and wanted nothing more than my WIFE and Family. Would of done anything for her to forgive me. months pass,my wife and I continue to talk about why I did it and how wrong it was and we have sex here and there during this time. We work it out , NOW comes the funny part! We had plans 1 night when i get a call from her saying she has to work over. Something didn't seem right. find out shes not at work but having dinner with another man . I can forgive after what I ve done.....right? So we move back in. couple days later her phone rings its him and she proceeds to tell me how she met this guy new years and has been sleeping with him since.I can forgive since she tells me that i m the one who caused this.....right ? well now she has my curiosity peeked so I do more digging and wouldnt you know BAM it had been going on for at least a month befor we ever split up (or so she tells me)

I LOVE HER BUT WHEN IS THAT NOT ENOUGH...ADVICE ANYONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


godfrey profile image

godfrey 8 years ago from California

Veronica, I am again on your heated hub - alive as always. You pick your hubs well.

I must have a completely diametrically opposed temperament. The height of possessiveness and expectations in relationships is striking to me. People should study ancient history to gain some perspective on the history of love and sex.

I must confess that I am simply not a member of a society of possessive humans; which places me at extreme polarity. I do not believe, in the first instance, that the expectations are natural to humans. I also would NOT be in a relationship predicated upon strictures guiding my sexual expression. Relationships could not be predicated upon peoples sexual expressions. Words like CHEATING, LYING, etc make no sense to me. It all reveals people's selfish need to control others, manipulate others with ego, guilt, self-pity, etc. It seems to me that an essential understanding of the intrinsic nature of desire would be in order. Expressing sexual desire for others is as natural as just about anything we do. But a lot of people artificially extinguish this particular aspect of their humanity for reasons that puzzle me. People actually break up marriages for THIS?..and the reasons are: CHEATING, LYING, YOU DON'T LOVE ME, YOU DISRESPECTED ME, etc...I must have a completely different mind. I could also be a reincarnate of ancient Greece and Rome. The orgiastic experience makes perfect sense to me...although I do not drink alcohol or engage in altered states. That must mean that I am very strange.The emotional weakness of a lot of people stunns me! I think it derives from either a deep sense of NEED to be loved, or a view of human sexuality that is crudely unrefined. People may need to free their minds from a tradition of social manipulation and guilt arounf sexuality. People should examine their relationship with natural sexuality. The relationship between sexuality and ego, guilt, love, betrayal, abandonment, SMALLNESS OF BEING. RELIGIOSITY, GOD. My sense is that if people feel so horrified by sexuality, so controlled by its ramifications, then they must NOT understand it.

Simply stated: LOVE IS NOT SEX.

But then, my world is clear. I am not distracted or confused. Reality is intelligible.

Godfrey Silas


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

When you promise fidelity and monogamy, and you break that promise, it is cheating, and lying, and it means you don't truly love the person, and that your word means nothing.

None of what you wrote has anything to do with what this hub is about. Stating that "expressing sexual desire for another is natural" or "love is not sex" doesn't address this hub's topic. This hub is about people that have made a promise, (whether you understand that promise or not,) and then have broken that promise. Like any other time a man gives his word, his word should mean something. The topic is about breaking promises.

I don't think your view is radical at all. It just that you're missing the point of this article.


Robert Huizenga profile image

Robert Huizenga 8 years ago from Muskegon, Michigan

Hey, Veronica, thanks for the hub. It's always good to read what others offer regarding the crisis of infidelity in a relationship. Keep up the good work.


Paul Felix 8 years ago

well veronica you have it right,but I like your thought on this situation say the guy cheats for the first time in his life goes all the way,for two days straight comes home tells his wife about it and theres a knock on the door,here its some ass that's been goin all the way with her for two days now the both are wondering should I leave or stay,I know both are stupid fucks or are they?And mark I agree once a cheater allways a cheater is not true I living proof people do grow out of it brother


Tara 8 years ago

my husband after 12 years cheated on me with my friend. he was caught and wanted to stay with her. I have takin him back and he promises it will never happen again. the other women was totally opposite of me. somewhat good looking, nothing special. they are a lot alike, whereas my husband and i are fairly different from each other. he never looked at another women before. My mother died recently and his mother has 2 months to live, I was away for 3 weeks at a time taking care of his mother when it all happened. It went on for 2 months. Any comments.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Tara,

You were away caring for HIS mother, and he cheated on you with YOUR FRIEND, and when he was caught he wanted to stay with HER. And, all this is going on while your mother was dying.

There is no forgiving anyone that selfish and thoughtless.


ahole 8 years ago

Love is not sex. Sex is not love. Sex is the dessert. Love is the main course. Hell yes, it's possible to love one as a family member and have sex with another. To a lot of women, sex and love are the same. To a lot of men, they're totally different and separate. Depends on how you look at it. My wife loves me, but never wants sex from me or anyone else. We love and understand each other. I'm older now and can get by without sex, but there once was a time when I NEEDED it, but she never wanted it. There is a difference, at least to my way of thinking.


Justin 8 years ago

well i have just been cheated on well the second type of cheating in the colum im really confused i love her so much 3 years we have been 2 gether and it happends i do wanna give her a second chance but the trust is the worst side when i was at work i was wondering what she doing is she cheating ect and she was for the last month email this guy 2 times her age saying stuff i don't wanna even know and replys thinking of going there and sleeping with him, im so confused i don't know what to do i only found out 48 hours ago i do wanna give her a second chance we don't have any kids we just have each other we were planing on getting married in a few months but i don't know i just wanna get to know her again, learn to talk to each other more become better partners then we can see where to go im a very jelous man i hate how im feeling atm i don't know where look look for help, but in saying that reading that info help me a lot and i do want to work it out i guess i can for give but i don't know if i can 4get so yeah any help would be awesome

thanks justin


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Justin,

Not a lot of fact here, but you paved the way for a lot of reading between the lines. You said some things like, you want to get to know her again and learn to talk. I'm wondering if you felt the two of you becoming estranged, or if you're blaming yourself in some way. You said you were wondering what she was doing while you're at work. Why are you working and she's at home? Why isn't she working? You've admitted you're jealous, which is never good. And, you're not saying how you found out. Did she come clean or was she outed. There's a big difference.

You don't have to answer. Just think. You're hinting that there's alot going on here. 3 years is a long time. If you can really get a good dialogue going, and you both really want this, and you both can be extremely honest and willing to work at this, maybe you can try again. 48 hours is not long enough to live with this.

Take your time. Keep us posted.


justin 8 years ago

thanks Veronicaill take time and think ill let ya know more when i know more i found out by reading one of his emails to her as she left it under our pillows


justin 8 years ago

hey again,

i do blame my self i feel like if i gave her what she wanted it would not have happened but in saying that she did not tell me what she wanted she said she could not talk 2 me with somethings becouse she couldnt say stuff to hurt me like that, im jelous because i belive once your 2gether your 2 gether don't go after other people, i have seen a few of her x friends try 2 get close have internet sex and shit and she has told them 2 get stuffed, now all of the sudden she went looking for it, the email said stuff like u make me so horney ect but he also said in the email to her was in his own words" he sounds like the guy u don't wanna throw away think hard and long about your relationship with him and is this wat u really want" he was pushing her away to keep me i guess, she told me 2 days ago now that she only wanted to have sex with one other guy is because i took her verginity and b4 we get married she wanted something different just once, she said that if i wanted to i could go do the same to a chick if i wanted to, which i don't but yeah, and she wanted to take a brake from us just so she could do it and get it over with then come back and all will be fine, 3 -4 weeks ago she told me she wanted the brake she said that so she could find herself again find out why she has been angry ect, i told her no back then and yeah this was the real reason she said she did not wanna hurt my feeling by telling me she wanted a brake so she could do some guy and get that feeling out of her for good and marry me, another this is she wanted to move closer to this guy b4 i found out about them now i new she wanted to move there her excuse was more work ect, houses bla bla bla and now him!! she is still 2day looking that way i told her we r not moving there inless we have 2 she is still trying to move there i don't know if it is because she wants just move there or him or just a house, where we live now is not helping us were staying with her parents grrr hate it, we cant talk about anything her mum listens in, we are very extremly stressed just from this shit and then ontop off her mums shit, so until we move out of there we cant build our relationship or even think of it, i do love her i just think the resons moving there r wrong and i don't trust her that much i use to trust her 100% im down to about 15% im iknow its early days i know we got a very long way to go, we just cannot do anything until we move out and it just goes aournd myhead everyday and im not getting anywhere i don't sleep atm i cant sleep in the mornings i hate the mess cant stop it by lunch time we smile at each other pecks on the lips thats it, we so talk when were about just trying to cheer each other up by night time im back to being upset, i have also lost my job because of this so the no money does not help ether any way im off trying to put another smile on my face so ill talk later thx

justin


PradazPurdy 8 years ago

Thank you for this, Veronica. I feel evermore knowing in that I must leave my husband. We've been married for less than a year (and together for four). I feel like SUCH a fool! I've had to deal with his crap for too long... he has an insane temper & I've come to terms that I'm in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship. It all came to a head when I came across some incriminating texts from another woman & caught him in a lie (concerning these texts). He's now going along thinking all is OK... but I'm getting everything together & orderly (being smart about it) & getting the heck out! I can't believe I wasted FOUR years on this jerk - as much as I do care for him, I care for myself MORE! I'm disgusted & actually still in shock. I usually have such a good judge of a person's character & I'm so ashamed at myself for not listening to my gut sooner. I'm also grateful we haven't had any children together either. *sighs* I hate the fact that it will be hard to trust another man, though. Even though you're out of the relationship, you still take a piece of it with you... he's ruined my outlook on life in some aspects... which is the worst thing a person could do. I pray I'll be able to find someone that is deserving of my love & find a way to forget the past... but such takes time. Thank you again for your post. It opened my eyes... I was half tempted to stay with this man, but I think I need to be selfish now & think of myself. Am I happy? No, I'm not. And that's all there is to it!

SARA


tcnixon profile image

tcnixon 8 years ago from California

I'm with Isabella. I could not stay with someone who cheated. It would eat at me. Probably more a part of my personality, but sometimes it is what it is. :)


Brittany 8 years ago

I am at such a dead end. I know what my boyfriend did was wrong, he did a number 3 eight months ago with his ex girlfriend and i just caught him doing a number 2 with her about a week ago. Our relationship is beyond amazing though. There is seriously not one error on the surface, i don't know what's hiding beneath, My problem is I can't find the strength or self respect to end it, He makes me happy in a way no other has, after the number 3 we worked through it (i thought) and became so much closer. The thought of leaving him is more heart wrenching than my current situation. I feel so odd that i'm happier with a cheater than without. Can someone dig up something to say to me, to maybe give me the push I need to realize how stupidly i'm acting?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Brittany

A new door can't open until you allow this one to close.

Right now you could be missing The Right Guy. He could be right there, and you're blowing your opportunity to meet him - your real soulmate, because you're letting this cheater cock block you. He's already cost you your self respect. Are you really going to let him cost you your future too?


Daniel 8 years ago

Hello,

I love your article. I was feeling really bad for wanting to stay with my wife who cheated on me (full blown affair) this passed weekend. The story is juicy.

Thursday - Wife buys a plane ticket with my check card, to fly to Reno and have sex with a guy she met on World of Warcraft. She lies and says, "My dad bought me a plane ticket to see my cousin margie."

Friday - I take my assessment test at the Art Institute of CA totally clueless that she was leaving to have sex, I wished her a goodbye. I get home and check my key logging program to find messages like, "yeah I'm going to see (guys name) now and I'm so nervous!" I called her 11 times, and no answer. She calls back at 3:30am and gives me an attitute that would kill a horse.

Saturday - She calls again, to rub in what she's been doing and how she's going to take me for all I have. I went to the bar with my brother and hung out with him all night, finally passing out at my dads house.

Sunday - I get a call from my wife saying, "I'm having a terrible time, they're yelling at me and hating me, I hate it here, I want to come home to you." I'm surprised she even said that, but whatever. 10:00pm rolls around and I decide to call her back to see how she's doing and I talked to a guy and his wife who she was staying with. They said she had been having sex with this other guy, and did him 3 times already, and she was falling for him and asking their 3 year old daughter for relationship advice. She was calling her ex-boyfriend and some other guys. Also, she bragged about how she's cheated on me before. These people were very nice to tell me all of this info.

Monday - no phone calls, no going out, just work. A very lonely day. I cancel her plane ticket home after finding out she bought it with my card, and her dad had really not paid for it, I wanted to see if she would tell me the truth. (Which she did, and got very angry at me)

Tuesday - The day she came back. her dad buys her a return flight, and she comes back. She stays at the neighbors house and says she's going to pack up her things and move out. That night she packed up her stuff, but didn't move out yet. My parents were there to make sure nothing happened while she was moving, we ended up going to dinner. my wife stayed and packed.

Wednesday - I went to work, didn't really talk to my wife except for at about 5pm she wanted to grab something from my car, and was being mean and nasty to me. I got angry and drove to my sisters house. she cooked dinner and I got a call from my friend who said I should leave her if I have any self respect. My wife cooked for me at the neighbors and brought it to me while I was in the shower. Nothing happened, but her and I agreed to be civil to each other until the divorce finalizes.

Thursday (Today) - I went to the courthouse to file papers on my lunch break, I drove to the wrong place and had to get back to work so I wouldn't get in trouble.

This is what helped me out a lot: "You need to ask yourself 'how much you respect yourself?' Do You like to be shit on and taken advantage of for trying to make a better life with her?? She chose to screw you over. You can't have a relationship with someone who only wants to when its convenient for her. You gotta do what's right."


Nick 8 years ago

OK guys ,

a little advice here please, i ave just found out after 9 months ago my girlfriend had an affair,

i only found out because her phone bills went from £30pm to £140pm. when i confronted her she told me it wasa female friend who was going through a difficult patch. this did not wash and although i could not prove anything i kept digging.

6 months later she finally admitted to texting a bloke, again it did not was so i kept on and a few nights later she admitted to meeting him 5 times over the 3 month period.

one of these times was at MY HOUSE while i was OUT WORKING for our family !!

HOWEVER she has admitted to kissing on these occasions and going to meet him and meeting him at her friends house however she will not admit they were intimate!!!!

i find this hard to believe if not impossible for 2 people to have an affair over a period of time and not be intimate!!

she said he tried to "go down on her once and she told him to stop and leave" but that was it that was the only intimate time !! why cant she TELL ME THE TRUTH???

being in my home killed me surly being honest about sex wont make me feel any worse.

she says it was never physical on her part and the fact she was going through a bad patch with me and he was saying all the right words etc and she enjoyed hearing them, she says she never found him physicaly attractive it was all in his patter, she says she never had feelings for him only for the things he said.

if this is so why risk a seven year relationship?

why risk leaving 2 children father less?

why risk it at all.

she says she loves me and want us to get married and live happily ever after BUT i NEED to know THE TRUTH how can i get her to finally come clean and tell me everything ? she claims she has but she also claimed for 9 months while i was asking her to come clean that she had not been unfaithfull??

any ideas greatly appreciated


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Nick,

You really scraped the bottom line here when you said how it killed you that she actually met with this guy in your house, while you were at work, working for your family. You're right, finding out at this point whether or not more happened than you know about isn't going to change the FACTS that you already know.

This wasn't a one time head-turning. She didn't bump into someone some afternoon and feel a little too taken with the compliments, and caught up in the moment. This was a long, purposeful, intentional deception. She met with him and texted him, she put time and thought into being with him, and she put time and thought into lying and deceiving you.

If you're asking my opinion, this was an affair. Since you know she can look you in the face and lie, I have no idea how you can even entertain the idea of going forward with her. And since you know she actually brought this man into your home, she proves to you she has very little regard for you, for your feelings, for anything you thought you had with her. It's very clear this isn't someone you should be with any longer.

***

That being said, I'm going to add the one exception to my opinion. You threw in at the end, that she said she wants you two to get married.

She's been with you 7 years, there are 2 children involved, and there is no marriage? Nick, has she wanted to get married, and you haven't? Has she made that need clear, and you have put her off?

If that is the case, then what she did with this other guy, though still wrong, may have just been her way of moving on with her life, since you won't fully commit to her. If that is the case, she should have told you and left you completely, instead of doing this in painful baby steps. But, IF that is the case, Nick, she's right to move on. You need to take the step and marry her, or let her go to seek what you won't give her.


Nick 8 years ago

thanks for the reply Veronica.

yes she did always want for us to marry, and yes i kept putting it off.

i have made that commitment before i knew what had happened and we have booked a wedding for early next year.

i do love her and want to move past this and i take some responsibility for what happened i was not as loving as i could have been or as affectionate as i could have been.

however she states she went through a dark patch in her life and does not know why, she states she never found him attractive only the things he said.

and she still denies anything further happened.

i have told her i will stand by my commitment of marrige and told her that the vows we take are binding and mean the world to me,

i do not want them to be based on lies or deceit and i have also stated should she tell me the whole truth i will try not to judge or to make any rash decissions but to try and work through it together as a couple.

i want to work past what has happened but how can i when my heart says she has slept with him but she says she has not.

i think to myself

at least a 3 month period of deceit and lying

sneaking around meeting up and making out

but no sex????

it does not sound right that 2 adults could see eachother for 3 month and there be no sex in my head it makes no sense at all?!?!?!

i just dont know how to get her to tell me the truth.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Nick,

You're saying you weren't as affectionate or loving as you should be, and that she's wanted to get married and you've been putting her off. For 7 years and 2 kids.

But, you say you can't figure out how she could be sneaking around without sex happening. I believe there was no sex, because nothing you've told me has anything to do with sex. It all has to do with feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling heard, and feeling safe.

I think we've hit a lot of the root of the problem. I think you really just don't get what she's gone through. Your 7 years of not recognizing what she needed and wanted finally caused her three months of desparation. Her self-described "dark patch" you said was before you finally relented into marrying her. When she had no idea of her future. When she gave you 7 years. And 2 children's future's are involved, and you kept putting her off.

The idea that you think this was about sex really shows you don't get what you've put her through. She wanted to get married. She was there, committed to you. No woman should have to wait 7 years and 2 kids and and a dark period to finally get her guy to consider marrying her. What a manipulation of her commitment.

I'm not saying this is all your fault. There are a ton of should-have's I can run through. She should have left you years ago when you were first putting her off for marriage. If she stayed, then when that insecurity really caught up to her, when all the things she wanted were clearly not there, When her self respect was shot, and she didn't feel loved or wanted, and she felt she had no real future, when her "dark patch" set in, then she should have left. I have no idea why she stayed and continued to feel the way she did, to the point that made her seek it out with a stranger she didnt even find attractive. She must have really loved you, that's all I can think. Her need to hear those things and feel wanted and safe was that deep.

She shouldn't have had this affair of the heart. She shouldn't have stayed with someone that wasn't giving her the affection and love she needed. She shouldn't have had to tell you she wants to get married for years and been put off as if her needs and her future don't matter. Many should have's here.

But it's too late for all the should have's. Let's just look at the right now. Right now, what I see is a woman you pushed and pushed and pushed for 7 years. And when you had finally pushed for long enough, she fell down. And now you're standing there saying, you fell down! I can't believe you fell down!! How can I accept that you fell down?

Even this second note from you. You aren't asking how you can give her back a feeling of security, or help heal her self respect, or show her love and affection. You're not asking about what it took for her to tell you what she has, to admit a man she doesn't even find attractive had to be the person to give her the feelings you don't. All you're asking is, how do I get her to tell me the truth? - the truth, which you have decided means sex, even though nothing you've said has anything to do with sex.

As to what you should do, Nick - I can't figure out how you guys made it 7 years. You don't give each other trust, security, or respect regarding so many things. if you really can't figure out why she did what she did, if you can't let this go, and marry her, if you're going to not believe her, not understand, and punish her for this in your mind, then end this now. She's been through enough.


Daniel 8 years ago

Okay,

I thought I could be mr."big tough divorce my wife because it's the right thing to do" but she is really screwing with my heart. She is begging me to take her back, but she is also looking for another man... She's saying she loves me and wants to work it out and saying things like, "isn't this[divorce] what you wanted?" "If you want to be withme, than be with me. Forget what everyone else thinks."

She's spinning a web of lies to the point where I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. When I'm around her I feel loved, and at the same time sickened by the fact she's a lying cheating *&^%. When I'm not around her, Jealousy rears it's ugly head, and I wish she would just come back to me.

I think I'm having attachment issues. I know that our marriage is not going to work out over the next, say.. 5 years. I may also be crazy and posessive. I don't know if it's me or her or what. I'm so confused! >.<

Please help.


kaur_dilj 8 years ago

HI Veronica. this is the first hub of u i have read & seriously i became a fan of u .

someone cheated me too but i still love him.


kaur_dilj 8 years ago

can i add u in my fan list.


why 8 years ago

veronica

i need u 2 shed some light V.

The great thing about the internet is the complete anonomity bit. Nobody knows who u r so i can just speak i geuss.

Me, am the one that people arent keen on. Am the Other Woman.

He has been asking me out for like 5-7 years and i kept saying no. He already commited why does he need me. for the better part of that time i refrained. i said no. then at about year 7 he caught me in a bad place, vulnerable - from a break up and yadi yada. we go out, i learn on date he has a 6month daughter.

i freak out, run off don't talk to him, he calls me back. begs me, to bring his daughter to my house so i could meet her (the closest thing to his heart). with great tears and heart break he convinces me. Y does he want me, a 6month daughter is indication something must be going right by why cheat on your wife then. he explains his relationship is out.

somehow dear V in all my stupidity, which i somehow regret to this day, i go out with him. he sharees all, with me, his heart hopes dreams etc business etc etc.

fast forward now. just gave birth to twins. i never believed in abortion. but this time, this was a test of what i truelly believed. i felt i would loose a lot, but i just couldn't go thru with it. id rather kill myself than do that.

since i fell preggaz, he never left me, NOT ONCE. he supported me in every possible way, financially, and generously i might add, the babies where born in a private hospital. he did EVERYTHING for me. He insisted the babies be named after his lineages. his great grand parents, his parents and then him. all 3 had to be in there.

when we found out, i was dazed and confused. and it was he who urged me not to do a you know, abort. i cut him off for a whole week, he looked for me, and when he found me, he told me, "i want to introduce you to my mother and you and i must find a new place to live" in addition he gave me beyek loads of cash. this was the one thing that helped me reverse the path i may have headed down.

i am not proud of my position V. what could have possibly happened that pushed him to this extent with me, the other woman. being in my position is no fun, the secrecy and all, i never dreamed this for my life. and am currently praying to get out of this mindset. this accepting and settling for this situation.

to me he is like a friend and brother. i want the best for him. my vulnerability got me here, so did his, or whatever that was. whichever way, i want the best for him.

often i have wished, i could anonimously talk to the wife, and find a way of councelling them together.

dear V, i know your hubs have made us - the other ones to be - just aweful. but theres a reason for everything, and our intentions are not all bad. we just fell prey, our selves allowed us for bad reasons to fall prey.

Dearest V, i have been cheated on in the relationship b4 i met him, and now i find he is using me to cheat on her.

not to be selfish, but coming from someone who has embraced both sides of the coin, i would rather be the other woman. i cant imagine the devastation that would come out of being betrayed. my heart could never bear the paid of being betrayed. i want the best for all parties concerned.

his wife found out through him after a bitter argument they had. he said it out of anger. not long after she fell pregnant and is now pregnant. a mess indeed. the bummer of all came when i left the country to give birth, not long after i left, literally a week or so, they got married. he had told me of this impending marriage, civil marriage. done apparently for his sons citizenship. even then he continued seeing me.

V. pathetic, - i know. Veronica, i am the other side of the coin, and b4 all womens jaws drop to the floor, with hate and all, i am probably the best person to fix this marriage in terms of what i know about his vulnerabiities and what brought him here.

but i also have a life, and kids now, i don't want to wait around for him. i want him to be with his family. i didn't do this on purpose. he was awefully persistent and forceful, had it not been for my vulnerability, i would have been stronger, he just caught me at my weakest. he wants to stay for the sake of kids. i don't care.

i just want to live the truth, i know for all he has done for me, one would think he loves me, even then, i dontthink i wanna do it with the knowledge that i may jst be a spare tyre. or am in there just to alleviate his probs at home.

V we (yes all of US) like your cut and dried no nonsense advice.

i was bold enough to talk to you.

So, hitme gurl.


why 8 years ago

sorry for error


why 8 years ago


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Why,

I looked up your IP address, and I think you might be the first person in that particular part of the world that I've read/responded to. Thank you. I don't usually address the commenters on this article as it's very clear where I stand and why.

I'm a little confused with what happened with you and your married cheater, but no clarification would change my answer so it doesn't really technically matter.

Darlin', anybody can make a mistake. Anybody can be vulnerable and confused and lonely. Any one can be stupid, and gullible, and wrong, and screw up. I have. We all have. The true test of a person's self worth and value doesn't lie in the mistakes. I think the true test of a person is in what they do AFTER the mistake. So, it's one thing that you had this weak point. It's another thing that it continued and continued, and you even got pregnant and had children with him. And it's another thing that he's still in your life and you live this secret life and teach your children this.

I'm not sure what exactly you're asking me. You said how horrific you know it would be to be the person that is cheated on. So, you know what he's doing to his wife. You know you're a part of that horror inflicted on that woman. I'm the opposite. If i had to choose between the two, I can't even imagine living with knowing I inflicted my worst nightmare on another innocent party. I'd rather be hurt myself then to be part of hurting someone else so deeply.

He doesn't love you. And you know that deep down. He doesn't care about anyone's happiness but his own. He's sick and pathetic. He's a small little insignificant lying cheating fucktwat. He is not a man. He is not even a shitty man, to call him one would be an insult to shitty men everywhere. He is not capable of providing any kind of example for any of his children, as he so blatantly disregards what's best for their mothers, and themselves. He has put many lives into turmoil, lies and bullshit as he serves no one but himself.

You can't fix his marriage. Don't be delusional.

I think if I were you at this point, I would be most focused on what's best for my children. Letting them see that lying and cheating is acceptable would never be a correct option. Allowing this man in your life shows them by example that lesson. Letting them think money is a good reason to do anything would not be my way either.

Why, you know what you should do. You've known all along what you should do. I appreciate that you read my work, and like my no nonsense advice. You wouldn't have written to me for any other reason then to hear someone say: Do what you know you should do. And yes, it really is that simple.

Best to you.


epifanny profile image

epifanny 8 years ago from AU

wow what a sensational hub... every bit i was reading i was like YES!!.. i agree with EVERYTHING you say here.. i couldn't take back a cheater either.. it would always be there in the back of my mind all the time and i couldn't ever trust him again NO WAY.. i wouldn't even forgive my ex bf for commiting #1 on your cheating list.. phone sex.. i caught him red hand.. walking in on him while he was stroking his cock while on the phone.. and this is AFTER he confessed what he was up to.. and said sorry it wouldn't happen again.. the min i was gone he was up to his old tricks again.. we split up for a lot of reasons but this one was the icing on the cake..

great hub.. i loooved the pics too..


Unsure 8 years ago

Great HUB Veronica. I have a similar issue with my wife but she never cheated, not that i know of. My problem is not trusting her. We got married very soon after meeting when i was 19, she was 18. We've been married almost 10 years now and for reasons I'll mention I just don't trust her. I want to, and I try to, but I just can't. She used to lie to me about the stupidest things, things she thought I would get upset about but never anything serious. And 3 months after we got married she took off one day over a silly argument and was gone for 2 months. I took her back at the time only because she was 4 months pregnant with my child. After that separation things were good for about 4 years between us, I continued to catch her in a white lie here and there but never really anything huge. But it always created doubt in my mind even in the smallest degree it was still there. Well, about 2 years ago she started to change drastically as far as her intamacy with me. Not sex alone just everything. We started arguing a lot, i sorta buried my head into my work and my computer and stopped giving her as much attention because when i tried i was pushed away. I always spent to much time on my computer. One day she told me she wanted a divorce, we sat down and talked about it, heated conversation but we managed. I didn't want it but she did and i wasn't gonna try and beg her to stay in a life she didn't want so i accepted it. Next day she had me tell our 4 kids. Coupla days later she came to me and told me she'd had a change of heart, that she was just upset and frustrated and it had clouded her judgement and that it wasn't what she had really wanted. So, I stayed and we're trying to work this out. But everytime we get in an argument she says the "we're through" and the "I hate you's". It seems like everytime i start getting over the fact that she's broken my heart over and over again she says something like that and I lose any "progress" that i've gained. I feel like i'm stuck in one big heartache but I love her, I'de do anything for her. I just don't know what to do. I've explained to her the situation and she promises to work on it but when an argument happens she doesn't seem to remember that. I've never really been one to say something i don't mean when i'm mad, or say something just to hurt her. I don't do that, and i don't want to. My fuse is getting shorter tho and my will to work on things is too. I've never wanted to change anything about her, anything I didn't like i just accepted as her being her. But being just plain mean, its almost like she enjoys it! Any advise would be great, from anyone. Mabey getting a womans, outside point of view would help.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Usure,

You have 2 different things going that I had to consider to in order while forming my sought opinion. The first was that you married so young. At 19 you are a different person than you are at 29. At 19 a major part of your brain has not even developed yet, and this is the part that makes rational decisions and can think about the long term effects of things in a clear way. Prior to this development (and especially if frontal lobe psychopathology is occurring) a 19 year old kid has crazy-strong impulses which include being desperately and completely in love.

As I read your story I of course consider that she got married too young, and as her brain normally developed she began to change, which is expected. Even the things you've said about her lying to avoid getting you upset shows me she was thinking and acting like a teenager. That is exactly what a teenager would think and do because that is what their brains comprehend: avoid upsetting the parents, white lies., etc. Even the idea that her love - so intense and overwhelming at 19 prior to frontal lobe development - matured naturally, and she discovered this wasn't her true love, was a normal possibility, commonly the result of marrying so young.

But your story went on in years, past the point where her frontal lobe should be developed completely. And her behavior didn't develop and mature with it. Quite the opposite. Taking off for months after an argument? Being convinced everything is over from one fight? Being so convinced she actually had you tell 4 little children mommy and daddy are getting a divorce and then one day later changing her mind?? Saying "I hate you" repeatedly in fights is the kind of thing a 6 year old says not a 28 year old mother of 4.

Unsure, these are not normal pieces of behavior.

When people talk about rage disorder syndrome, they talk about a light switch effect. Someone's temper goes off and it's as if a switch was flipped. They aren't listening, or thinking, or doing anything but raging. They are willing to die running someone off the road who cut them off.

I'm not saying I think she has rage disorder. But I do think she has a very real psychological or physiological problem that you need to address. She seems to have that kind of disconnect with thinking and realizing the long term effects of her words and actions. I don't think you can do this on your own, and since there are children involved I think you need to act quickly. She needs help. She needs a therapist.

I considered all the things you said and all the things you didn't say. It certainly sounds like your love for her is real, you've done everything you could and you're committed to your marriage and your family. I don't know if that really is the case, or what you've left out of the scenario you've painted. So I considered some other angles and things, and I still come to the same conclusion: normal adults don't feel so sure about a divorce that they allow their 4 children to know about it, and completely reverse their decision 24 hours later.

Additionally to all of this, it is unfair to you from what you've told me. You can't go on living with a wife that says I hate you, and tells teenage lies, and says it's over, and takes off for months. This is ridiculous.

Unsure, you wanted a woman's outside point of view and here it is. Your wife has a problem. It is not the kind of problem you can handle or fix. You need to get her some help. She needs to get some professional counseling.


Damed if I do Damed if i dont 8 years ago

Sadly ive staied with my wife who had an emotional affair with my former best friend . we were together 17 yrs three kids & were high school sweethearts. but now since she did what she did writeing him while he was locked up I feel its my duty to show her no love as I usted to /we had a love at first sight loveing supportive went to church together relationship thats now dead to me...asking for me to forget this because she didnt have sex with him ,because (she knew it would be over) if she did that.seems to me like a pretty F*^#! up thing to have to deal with ..Im done being the one who gets told last . I never was a punk all my life I wont be played again by her non-emotional ass.can you belive she grabbed me as I was leaveing after finding out in a love letter from him to her. ya she grabs me saying please stay she swore he meant nothing to her after she signed a letter to him apperently saying she was his and saying her last as his last name. so i fogiven her i just cant & wont forget.


Damed if I do Damed if i don't 8 years ago

Sadly ive staied with my wife who had an emotional affair with my former best friend . we were together 17 yrs three kids & were high school sweethearts. but now since she did what she did writeing him while he was locked up I feel its my duty to show her no love as I usted to /we had a love at first sight loveing supportive went to church together relationship that's now dead to me...asking for me to forget this because she didn't have sex with him ,because (she knew it would be over) if she did that.seems to me like a pretty F*^#! up thing to have to deal with ..Im done being the one who gets told last . I never was a punk all my life I wont be played again by her non-emotional ass.can you belive she grabbed me as I was leaveing after finding out in a love letter from him to her. ya she grabs me saying please stay she swore he meant nothing to her after she signed a letter to him apperently saying she was his and saying her last as his last name. so i fogiven her i just cant & wont forget.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Damned,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's horrible. And there is nothing at all wrong with your not forgetting.

Why did you stay?


rrbsara 8 years ago

i have been with y boyfriend for a year. when we got together he was sill living with his ex ( who cheated on him) because they were in a lease together. a couple weeks after we started dating he had sex with her (NEVER told me) i told him he needed to move out when he did he kept her number in his phone. for months i would find phone calls fron her and text messages from her on his phone and he told me she wouldn't leave him alone. so i called and told her to leave him alone she did UNTIL we moved to a different state and he gets a phone call from her, i pick it up and she tells me that he has cheated on me 2 days before we moved with her. she said that he wanted it. i asked him and he denied the whole thing but admited to the one in the begining. a couple days go by she calls again so i ask him again and he admits to sleeping with her instead of coming home to me 2 days before we moved to another state now he wants my forgiveness??? i am heart broken and i am lost, hurt, confused, angry and so much more


02SmithA profile image

02SmithA 8 years ago from Ohio

I have dealt with a cheating ex girlfriend before and I know how badly it hurts. I don't think it is necessarily true that once a cheater always a cheater, but it leaves a real scar on the relationship and that trust factor is gone. Nice hub.


privateye2500 profile image

privateye2500 8 years ago from Canada, USA, London

LOTS of comments on this baby! wow.

I wonder...One of my best friends told me this week her husband EMAILED her his divorce intent (from the second floor of their home while they were both in it!)

How does THAT grab you...

Anyway - she said that he wants her to move out and leave their home and leave him with the kids; he is miserable - says he can`t stand to live with her so she told him then why don`t you move out and he says some shit like - this is MY home.

Like - I don`t know what to really tell her. She`s had a lot of depression and emotional problems...I feel the need to tread lightly.

Any adviceÉ

Melanie


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Melanie,

My advice is to get a great divorce lawyer immediately. And she should interview as many of the others in the area as possible as fast as she can. (Then they can't take her husband as a client for conflict of interest.)

If I were her I wouldn't leave, I wouldn't do anything until the best divorce attorney I could find advised me.


L.C. 8 years ago

I found out 4 months ago that my husband had affair no 3, 5 years ago. He only ended it this January with an e-mail, saying she was his emotional crutch.He used to e-mail her letters every once in a while and then told me those were only an excersise in creative writing....I was 7 months preganant in Jan.I always maintained I will never put up with it again,this is my 2nd marriage, 1st one ended after he had an affair.

I was really upset and angry with him last week and we are trying to make it work, but I battle to come to terms with the betrayal and hurt this has caused me. Do I accept he is sorry and won't do it again?He did it before...what would stop him the 2nd time? I have been married for 11 years now and feel I have invested so much into this relationship, should I forgive? I am not sure I would ever be able to forgive?

He keeps on saying how much he loves me now, but how can I love him now? I am stuck where he was 5 years ago. He loves me now he says, but I do not feel all that much love towards him right now. I always thought he would be the last person to do something like that...I guess not.

Any advice would be appreciated.

L.C.


wend 8 years ago

My partner has had an 8 month affair - i caught him - itemised phonebill - and he admitted it. Our daughter is 10 months old. I threw him out. He works aborad and comes home weekends (he came home Sat aft and went back to work Sun noon) find out later he has spent Fri night/Sat morn with her and her 4 kids - and also returns to her Sun aft/Sun eve before going to work - europe for the week. He took her on a business trip - we paid her fare from his wages. He blamed his moods and talking to me very nasty, and treating me badly on the fact his ex wife was giving him a hrad time and wanted money for their 2 teenage children. I maybe didn't give him the attention he craved at weekends when he returns - but then i am alone with a baby - all our family live 6 hr drive away. He does nothing really to help me with the baby and housework. Of course if I was not so tired i would love to re-kindle our sexlife and social life but have found it all difficult - and also am now back at work too. We are in so much debt. He is now in deep remorse - says he has ended it - she lives and works VERY close to our house - he says he doesn't want to lose us and we can get through this. He is staying with friends at weekends. Any advice would be welcomed


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Wend -

Bravo to you for kicking the fucker out.

I've had 2 martini's. So here's the real deal: 

Blaming his ex wife and their kids for the way he's treating his present partner and kid, because he's actually spending time with the mistress and kids. INSANE. He doesn't care who he hurts. No child is safe. You're in debt and he took food out of your baby's mouth to fly his mistress to europe. He's a bongo, Wend. He's a liar. He's a self serving cheater. He's practically criminal. He's not a man. His word means nothing. Deep remorse my ass.

You did the right thing. You're not a fool, don't become one. Stay strong. You're better off without him. 


Wend 8 years ago

I keep trying to convince myself that is the right thing to do - all my family are trying to convince me `I have been a doormat for tool long'. He says we both got in a rut over a period of time - he was the one treating me nasty though - while I wondered why and worried every weekend what I had done wrong? Now I know he deflected his guilt on me. He even spent our baby's christening getting so drunk it was a public show -and so embarassing Everyone noticed he was an ass that day and it has got so worse since. He has shouted at me and basically treated me bad 'don't bother comign home I don't want you there' .. then saying he didn't mean it, not saying goodnight hust 'yep' when I said it. Not making eye contact with me for weeks..... No interest in me or the house in months - just getting his laundry done at the weekend - and also seeing his mistress. So I keep saying it will get better - I remember the nice man I met yrs ago and have to remember that guy has gone. He didn't love me when he was visiting her and also he forgot he had a new born baby to celebrate and he chose to go elsewhere to spend his time.... the lies and the way he has talked to me in the pasty year hurt the most. I feel like our baby deserved a much better year than this. I do feel sorry for him, not the man who is now, but the man I met and fell in love with, I would never hurt anyone how he has hurt me. I do hope he will be happy some place and if he really does change ??Well there will be someone for him

x Thanks so much for your comments it made a lot of difference to a very shit day x


So much for So Little 8 years ago

Ive been reading this for about a week and so here goes my story:

Ive been with my man for 11 years now. We started off as friends, eventaully became clser and started a relationship. everything went slow, tha way we wanted because we each had a small child and didn't want to invlovle them unless it was necessary. about year 2 we decided to go the whole enchilada. Kids knowing each other, spending time with each others family, helping each other further their careers. thing people move toward in a relationship. Everything is going great, he's in love so am I. Marriage comes up but neither of us want to pressure the other since our previous relationships were disastrous. We move in together, kids and all. I finish school, he begins school for a new career, and i support him all the way, the way he supported me. I am your typical devoted mate, empowering her man. Year 5/6 we buuy a house together, my careers going strong, his is great, life is good. We talk more seriously about marriage, he says okay lets do it, but he never actually asked me, never got a ring, just more planning talk and patience on my behalf. I got pregnant the next year, totally by surprise, we're excited, and now he talks more marriage, but it never materializes. I wasn't really worried because we never really were a traditional couple anyway. Then the floor drops out. he looses his job, and can't find another. he becomes depressed. I try to keep him happy, telling him hes a good guy hes just having a bad time. Meanwhile, I work massive amounts of overtime to keep us afloat, all while having a difficult pregnancy. he finally finds work 8 months into my pregnancy, but by that time, I have of course been tired, cranky, irriable and the like, so now he feels some type of way about it. Fast forward baby is born, he seems diffenrent , my guts telling me. I catch him in a #2 with some hussy at work. he says he needed someone to talk to and was sorry. he would never do it again. He seems so authentic, I am angry,hurt. he promised me no sex occurred and he wants to be with me. I didn't share this with anyone, not even my mom and sister, figuring I could handle this on my own. Now Fast word to JUly 08. Cahc him in a #3 with some one I work with, who knows me and him, and knows we are together. Apparently it had been going on for about a year, until i caught him. He was taking her to his dads house while hhe was not there for their rendezvous according to the texts.

She's of course sorry, shhe pleaded with me to not kick him out because all he does is talk about me and the kids (bullshit), and he is apparently devasted. This time, I told his whole family, all his friends, and some of my family. All of our mutual friends know, everyone I worked with knew, but nobody had the Heart to tell me because I was head over heels in love with him. She also proceeded to tell everyone about the affair, so now the entire world seems to know. How embarassing for me. It also turns out she was sleeping with 3 of his single friends, and who knows who else. Of course now they all know about each other and are now equally angry disgusted/embarassed. Whatever. So anyway, I kicked him out he left. I cried every night for 2 weeks, quit my job and haven't gone back. His father has called as well as most of his family and pleaded with me to wwork it out. they all thinkk the world of me, but don't throw away 11 years of your life because of some bitch. I am still confused angry hurt. I eventually let him back in the house because the kids were asking too many questions, (we told them he went on a business trip), but he sleeps in the basement.

I need some advice. He wants to work it out, Im not sure I care right now what he wants. I gave myself to him, waited patiently for a wedding that apparently would never happen. Did everything I mate is apparently supposed to do, and for what, NOTHING. He sorry, of course, but i need to know what am I working this out for, what is it going to get me? I thought we were working toward a family, house and life together...but it seems only one of us was. I am completely devastated and I don't know what to to. Maybe therapy will help maybe it wont. I kind of don't care, but i know i am stilll angry and I never make decisions angry. Any suggestions, or have I just been the dumbest most blind woman on eathr for believing and loving someone without reservations? That's what I feel like a big fat old dummy.


mommieof2sweeties 8 years ago

well- I never thought I would say this, EVER, but I am a cheater. After 5 years of marriage and 2 beautiful children I cheated on my husband 4 weeks ago. I was SO completely overcome with guilt that I confessed to him, only 4 days after the first and only sexual encounter.

It actually all started about one year ago when this same 3rd party and myself ran into each other at a bar and after way too many drinks we kissed. I had known this guy for years, and he actually was aquaintances with my husband, they went to high school together. At the time of our kiss last year my husband and I were having a lot of problems. All throughout our marriage he has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I've been called everything from a Fu*&%$% Bitch" to being told that I can't Fu*$ good and he will get someone who can one day..... We have separated on more than one occasion and always got back together because we can't stand to be apart and we really do love each other. In the first 4 years of our marriage he lied repeatedly to me and was addicted to porn and other degrading things. After four years of the lies and me thinking I was going crazy he finally confessed to his emotional affair on computer and his porn addiction.....

So- to make a long story short this other guy was there for me to talk to a year ago- when the kiss happened. 6 mths after the kiss I confessed it to my husband. I felt like our relationship was at a standstill and I knew this deceit was the cause. He forgave me and we made him, went to some counseling, and things were going better..... I didn't have any contact with the 3rd party after the confession of the kiss to my husband.

Then 4 weeks ago after another huge argument and after being told to "fu#& off" and he was ignoring me for days on end, I had had it! It was like the tip of the iceberg for me. I went out for an innocent girls nite out and just happened to run into the 3rd party guy again. We were both intoxicated. He was complimenting me and making me feel so good, and wanted. Needless to say, my emotional love tank was DRY to the bone, and he was there to fill it that night. During our encounter I was thinking about my husband the whole time. I felt guilty during the whole thing. Four days later I confessed to him.

We are haing a very hard time now getting past it all. I am willing to move forward with him because he is my soulmate and I need him so much. He, on the other hand, says he loves me but isn't sure if he can move past it. So- for now I am going to be the best wife I can be and let him try to heal. He is so angry now and lashing out at me, so it's very hard. But as Veronica said, in the end it was my "CHOICE" to cheat. The problems were there, and had been there for a while. Even though I felt so lonely and hurt by many of his actions I made the wrong choice.....So- that's my story! Thanks for the Hub- really puts a great prospective on things.............


wend 8 years ago

So much for So Little - H there- aint sure I am meant to reply to you on here - but I feel the same as you. We were engaged but no wedding - no plans - because he was with her - I have been asked if it is mid life crisis - he has been doing sunbeds - but then the other woman is a funny sunbed orange colour so they must have gone together/ and having tattoos (added to the ones he had).

She mouthed off at me as I walked past the fish and chip shop (UK)where she works, I couldn't hear what she said, I was not impressed - VERY CLASSY - NOT!!! as I went to the chemist with our baby in my arms

He is living in his truck at work at the mo - he drives for a living - he is desperate to get me back - but what can he offer me that would make me want him again?

I think we should confer and see if we can support each other!


quiet.chaos profile image

quiet.chaos 8 years ago from Torrid Simplicity

Right on, Veronica. Awesome hub! Got a fan!


broken.... 8 years ago

divorceman

I hear what your saying I am going through this right know exactly the same thing.I feel like there is no remorse or consequence to his actions.Ever!!!!!!!! Im so afriad that this will continue and the pain with in me will just get worse. Everyone has such a wide option about this situation the biggest one is to leave and not try to work it out no matter what the situation is its scary because when your hurting so bad that option seems like the way to go just to start getting over the pain.no matter what you say the person who gets cheated on is the one who pains....And what is wrong with the girls/and guys today married menand women there are many single people out there it kills the whole family and destroys life as the family new it.


so much for so litle 8 years ago

Thanks wend for the support... i still want to bash her head in, but im not going to jail for a floosy.

I've been working this through myself; i actually let him be nice to me without being bitchy and snapping at him, and he started to remind me of the person i fell in love with. the only problem is that my claws are still bared, and i am just at my wits end. i feel like i'm pretending with everything. im starting to not care about a lot of things, like my feelings anf life have been drained from me. Little things are setting me off, like recyclycling sitting at the door for 1 week as he continues to walk by "forgetting" or whatever, bills npt getting paid. He should be kissing my ass, there shouldn't be a late bill or crumb left in the house if i ask him to take care of it. It just aggravates me...and then I start thinking about the affair and everything along with it and the cycle starts all over again. How do you ove on or work through it? I guess I need some therapy for myself. I know this is a rant, but I am having so many fellings right now...I love him one minute, hate him the next, want him to leave, but miss him when he's gone. AHHHHHH i guess I'm going crazy....


25andlost 8 years ago

Let me try and make this brief and to the point.So, I ended up finding out that my girlfriend of 7+ years had cheated on me 4 years ago. I went through the motions for a few days with her and felt that we could move past it. She messed up, she was young (22) and we were dealing with some issues. Okay so we move on.Then I find out about 3 weeks later that she had been seeing another guy for 9 months of this year. Two months of talking and 7 months of sex. I moved in with her in July and she had already been sexually active with him for two months or so. She has been leading a second life while living under one roof. No issues at all. Not sexual nor attention issues or any issues at all. When I found out about this, I kicked her out of my place. So now she's staying with a friend and she has disconnected her situation with this other guy because she now realizes that she never wanted to have a serious relationship with him, loves and wants to be with me and has always wanted to be with me and it was more of a side thing for her that she let go too far.So here I am now trying to figure this thing out. We haven't seen each other for a couple weeks, though she still emails me about how she wants to still be with me and yada yada yada. I've been maintaining my space and giving her hers.She definitely loves me and I love her. There is no one we ever wanted to be with other than eachother.as far as being in a relationship. But she completely hid this other situation from me and had no intentions on telling me for the rest of her life. I don't deserve what happend me. She knows that and is ready to accept the full consequences of this and will most likely have to deal with her foul actions for the rest of her life. with or without me.So what should I do? I'm a bit lost in this. I think space is good, but like any habbit that you have, its hard to quit. I know I can go on with my life without her, but do I really want to? Even with all that she's done to me, I still see a future with her and she of course sees one with me. She is showing growth and has waken her up quite a bit. Hmmm.What do you guys and girls think I should do? I'm wide open to opinions.


hpfaff 8 years ago

Dear 25and lost,

I've been reading this blog for a while after having discovered in August that my husband of 15 years was having an affair for the past 6 months. This was a serious affair - both sexual and emotional - that of the worst kind. There was even discussion between my husband and his affair partner of running away together.

I am one of those people who has chosen to stay in my marriage and try to work it out. I realize this is not the popular opinion on this website, but no one can possibly know what they would do if faced with this crisis. I was also someone who said I'd NEVER forgive this unspeakable act.

I am in a much different place in life. I'm 47 years old, married for 15 years to the same man, and we have 2 beautiful children together. The unsurmountable devastation this has caused to my marriage, my children and to me personally, is beyond comprehension. I lived for the first 2-3 months in extreme pain which still exists today. I experienced all of the common emotions of rage, shock, disbelief, resentment, deep depression and hopelessness... along with physiological effects including inability to eat or sleep. It is by far the worst crisis of my life. Some of these emotions continue to be with me, and will be for months and perhaps years to come.

I felt the need to respond to you because you are so young and still uncommitted (by marriage) and without children. While it appears that your girlfriend is truly remorseful and there is a chance she would never do such a thing again, I suggest that you think hard before recommitting. Once you have invested 1/2 a lifetime with someone, it is much more difficult to walkaway, particularly when children are involved.

The bottom line is, people do make mistakes and sometimes they only make them once and learn from them. But forgiveness of an act like this is a GIFT, and one that must be earned. Just be careful, keep your antennas up and never have blind trust. Watch for consistent behavior for at least a year before making any decisions.

Signed,

Heart Broken after 15 years


annonimus 7 years ago

I dont know if you are going to read this since your situation happened 10 days ago. I have a situation where I was cheated on and lyied to. I got past that and told her that the only way she can regain her thrust is by walking on eggshells. any little thing such as not answering the cell phone would put me on alert. well come to find out she lied again. I could not prove it was cheating but it didnt matter because I did not thrust her. she cries and says she loves me I tell her that that I can t get pass that, and that the only way it could make things right is if she accepts me going to bed with another woman while she watches. If she can endure that then I would endure her cheating, she disagreed so now with dont speak, I guess thats the best way to get rid of her since I love her and would not do so on my own. make her dump you, or let her prove that she can endure something so harsh but deserving.


annonimus 7 years ago

I dont know if you are going to read this since your situation happened 10 days ago. I have a situation where I was cheated on and lyied to. I got past that and told her that the only way she can regain her thrust is by walking on eggshells. any little thing such as not answering the cell phone would put me on alert. well come to find out she lied again. I could not prove it was cheating but it didnt matter because I did not thrust her. she cries and says she loves me I tell her that that I can t get pass that, and that the only way it could make things right is if she accepts me going to bed with another woman while she watches. If she can endure that then I would endure her cheating, she disagreed so now with dont speak, I guess thats the best way to get rid of her since I love her and would not do so on my own. make her dump you, or let her prove that she can endure something so harsh but deserving.


Andrew 7 years ago

as i write this i am at the end of my rope.. im a young man that is trying to forgive his high school sweet heart. before i say what happened i know it takes two to tango i know it was partly my fault for what happened, but here it is. she is my first love the one i lost my virginity to the one i love more than anything in this world. and i am a southern man i strongly agree on the trust ina a relationship i would NEVER cheat i would never put myself in the situation, and i always told myself if anyone ever cheated on me i would just leave. but i find myself staring at a wall of emotion. we lived in a small town that i knew everyone in i had a good job i was a hrd worker i had good freinds and family and was trying to get into the military to live up to my familys bloodline, everything was great..

one day she said i hate it here i want to move into the city i want to get away from my family (her dad didnt like me much but her mom loved me idk why but meh) i hate the idea of going to the city it was a new place somewhere i felt out of my medium. ima texas boy i work outside i drive a big truck i worked on for years i hang with the same freinds ive known since childhood i stay near my family, we take care of our own. she didnt understand that and still wanted to move to the city.

so i quit my job i packed all of our things i let her pick the apartment i let her pick everything so she would be comfortable and i thought i would just try to get used to it. so i went to find a job.. didnt work. i went to try to meet new freinds.. i was called a country bumkin redneck.. i tried to go into the military but she didnt want me to leave her. so i stayed lost my confidence lost touch with my family and became.. well, a loser i knew i wanted to do great things but i didnt have the will or the strength to get there i was a broken man. but i never lost my love for her i knew it was hard me not taking care of her like a know a man should but i lost sight of that we got into a rut.

this rut lasted 8months of scrimping around trying to do good.. doing some good then something happens and i got discouraged and quit again. our sex life started to dwindle and i didnt want to come to bed anymore i was ashamed. ashamed i was not taking care of her ashamed i was not the lover i once was. and i watched us just.. become freinds int eh same house.. until one day she told me im losing my love for you.. right then a fire lit right under my ass and i jumped into high gear i tried new things i got a job.. a small one but thank god a job i became the most amazing lover she had ever seen. then something weird was happening.

i was the only one trying. she stopped comunicating she stopped being my freind she became a roomate. so she asked me to leave. i didnt want to. i cried i told her i want this to work i showd her eveything i had been doing yet she still wanted me to leave. i got mad.. my temper swelled.. i broke all of my things int eh house.. dressers.. doors.. tvs.. you name it. in some weird way i only broke my own things nothing of hers.. i guess i knew it was my fault.. she was crying because i thought i had scared her.. (i later found out it was a diffrent reason) she called the police on me and said i called them you need to run before they come.. i didnt mean to but i just did.. but i refused i stayed there and told her.. as i told you fromt he first time i said it.. i will always love you until the day you truly stop loveing me.. so i waited.. outside of the door i gave her the option to close me out of the house.. she didnt she started crying and sayimg im sorry over and over.. until the police came and tok 3 of them to drag me to the ground ( idk why.. i wasnt mad or yelling just sitting there wondering why she was saying sorry when i was the one acting like a jackass) so they made me jump in my truck and drive... "home"

i went to my family i told them what i did and al my dad could say was i didnt raise a fool and he smacked me in the mouth and said i didnt raise a boy i raised a man.. go man up and be the man she needs go take care of her.. so that same night i drove all the way back.. she wasnt there so i cleaned.. for 4 hours i cleaned then i left her a note saying well.. my heart to hers. then i drove again i drove home and finally crashed..

i woke up and had new vigor i called her she said she loved me and was at her freind laceys house (i knew it was true i could hear lacey and her husband in the background) and i told her i wont return until im the man you need me to be.. she told me she loved me and that was a good plan..

i went out and got her a teddy bear for christmas and was going into my room to send her an amazing email and a picture of it.. when i opened it.. her email box was open.. i guess she forgot to sign out.. i saw what she had said to lacey that night before she left our house..

there was a party 2 days before my blowup she went to for work i remeber it.. i said can i go? she said no.. well? when are you going to be back? ill be bacl tonight" so i waited.. i watied till i couldnt keep my eyes open. she came back at 8 the next morning running intot he bedroom huggin and kissing me saying how much she loved me and she was sorry she was out all night.. i asked where have you been she said at emilys.. its a coworker of hers. i bought it..

so back to the email and the picture of the bear.....i opend my laptop and saw what she had been syaing to lacey 2 das before my temper tantrum.. after the work party she went back to one of the guys places for drinks and a movie... she said he was really sweet..and then she had slept with him..and enjoyed it.. and wasnt all that guilty........ so i called her and confronted her she said she was drunk and didnt mean it or care about him she said she was so sorry she said sh eowuld worship me if i fograve her.. but my heart hurts my heart aches i want to wake up from this horrid dream.. i want to fogive but im faced with my first rule.. "if it ever happened to me i would leave" well im faed with this wall of emotion she wants to be forgivin i love her yet even still with all my heart..

now comes the question to my.. well long story (thank you for reading if you lasted this long) do i forgive? do i forget? all i can picture is them together and this sharp pain in my heart but.. i also feel love i cant bear to accept defeat.. i stand by what i said.. i will always love you until the end..,,


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Andrew,

You said you're a southern man, so I'm not going to bullshit or coddle you. I'm going to tell you this straight out.

She left you when she made you move to a city you didn't want to live in, quit your job and leave your family and friends. Clearly. She left "you" emotionally and spiritually but let you physically come along for her own comfort. People will say anything when they are selfish and when they are cowards. What she says obviously doesn't matter. What her actions tell you, clearly, is another story.

Instead of being forthright and telling you she didn't care about you, she dragged you through this game.

She didn't care about you, your life, your needs or your wants. She has set up a series of ways where you could fail. Once you failed, she could do the chicken shit thing and claim it was your fault.

Your rule about never forgiving a woman that could cheat on you is a damn good rule. Why would you even consider breaking it.

I don't know why she emotionally left you and moved to the city. I don't know why she didn't care what that did to you, or how hard the city was for you to adjust to or survive in. I have the feeling you're both fairly young and maybe she's really just that immature and self involved. However, I do know that she knew moving to the city would be the death of you, and she allowed it. She stopped respecting you as a man before she started cheating on you. Cheating only compounded it.

You're saying "I will always love you until the end..." is nice in theory, but there is a point where you have to respect yourself enough to say - "OK then, this must be the end," and get away from this very toxic situation. You had your life together. You had friends, family, a good trucking job, and your happiness. What she gave you wasn't love. One partner does not get to rule the other partner's life.

My advice to you is to go home. Go back to where you are happy, where you feel like a man for all you accomplish and have, where you have the respect of others, and the respect of yourself. Forget this woman that cheats on you and uses you and calls the police on you. BTW - I'm not at all impressed with your father's advice or handling of the situation. You needed help and guidance and that's not what he gave you. But that's another article...

If you can't find the self respect to tell her it's over, then tell her if she wants to be with you, you're willing to work on it, but it has to be on your terms now. And it's not going to be in the city, where her lover lives and where you were miserable. You're a fool if you return to that apartment and her set-up.

Go make your own way in the world. Stop living for her- her actions could not be any clearer. She doesn't want you. Live for yourself.


Andrew 7 years ago

Thank you.. all of you i read every single article it helped to see evry side of the spectrum. i truly dont think i have the strength to forgive her unless of course it was on my terms.. but i dont think its worth it. i guess as of now i will move on. get my own life together and be who i wanna be. i have big plans its gonna take alot of time to get there.. i just hope i can find someone that really cares for me as well.. me.. i just wonder how will i know? i never want to go through anything like this again and now that i think about it. i dont know the first thing about finding someone new.. i know it shouldnt be the first thing on my mind. but i hate the thought of being alone i just hope there is the right woman out there for me. id like to think ima good guy..

for now ill forgive but i wont forget.. ill move on and find my own way in this big scary world thanks again it really helps alot to have an unbiased opinion thank you thank you i think i can finally fall asleep.


confused 7 years ago

My husband and I have been together for 17 years. 7 before we were married. They were rocky. He thought of himself first always. When we went places with his friends he would make me sit in the back seat. We would go jet skiing and he would leave me sitting on the bank for hours while he went off with his friends and partied up the river. He cheated. We broke up and 4 months later we got back together. A year later he told me he was moving away but we would still stay a couple. I have no proof but seriously doubt he was faithful. For one thing he is very sexual. He started to go to strip clubs frequently and even got lap dances. Knowing how I felt he kept doing it because he said he didn't think it was a big deal. Once when we were on vacation with my sister and her family he wanted to go out to the bars. we went to one or two then stopped at another. It was a strip club when I said I'm not going in he got pissed and went in without me and left me in the car. I know your thinking what the hell why didn't you leave. I am thinking that anyhow. The truth is I never wanted my family to know how he treated me. And he was my third serious relationship. I thought there was something wrong with me and I wanted to make it work. I kept letting him get away with it. After 7 years whe were living together and engaged. I got pregnant. I was by accident. At the time we were fighting and I was doubting our relationship. Then the pregnancy made me reconsider. We decided to go away and get married our best friends stood for us. Our families knew. On the way out of town. My husband surprised me with a quick visit to his lawyers where he drew up a pre nup.. Even tried to have child support negotiated in it but ther lawyer informed him in pa that couldn't happen. Once we went on vacation and he left me in the hotel with an injury and went to a swinger resort called hedonism. On our delayed honeymoon after my child was born he again got p***ed off because I wouldn't join him in a strip club. After my child came he still went to the strip clubs got the lap dances even left our child and I at the pool while he masterbated to a porno in the room in the middle of the day. the final straw was when he went down the beach on a carribean vacation and paid for a massage with a happy ending. while I played in the sand with our children building sand castles and ended up having a case of genital warts which he claims are not herpes. He lied for 2 years and I lived like a devoted housewife only with out the sex because of our kids. Then when he started to fight with me about sex and I told him I would schedule a lie dectector test for him he came clean or so he says. He didnt' think getting a hand job was a big deal so who knows. I still have doubts that more didn't happen. I have tried to rebuild our marriage we are on counselor number 5 now. I eve tried to be intimate even though I havent enjoyed a second of it and it makes me sick. I insisted he wear a condom and he threw a fit we went on a second honeymoon cruise he called it and he got pissed off because he didn't get sex every night. He screamed at me called me names embarrased me in front of strangers. left me alone and went off drinking. The cruise from hell. I wish I believed he has and would change but I can't one counselor told me that my husband is self centered and won't change I don't want to believe that but so much of me does. He blames me for cheating because we had a room with 2 beds and I wouldn't have sex with my kids in the bed next to us. I love my husband but I dont feel in love with him. My main reasons for trying to make it work are because my kids are so young and I'm affraid. I need so much therapy. most of the time I despise him. He puts me down and complains about everything.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

confused,

I think you've been through so much shit that you're confusing the symptoms with the actual sickness.

Herpes, by the way, is a virus typically appearing in clusters of red papules. Genital warts are a condyloma, and are usually flesh or gray in color. Both are highly contagious, and sexual transmitted, but they are two distinctly different things. They aren't at all the same, each has completely different risks, and each is treated or maintained with completely different medicine. You are being exposed and you need to be sure exactly which one it is.

Things like porn, lapdances and strip bars can all be shared between two normal consenting adults as part of a healthy sexual relationship. In your case, these are merely symptoms of the problems.

The actual problems are:

1 - His blatant disrespect for you and disregard of your feelings.

2 - Your constant reinforcement to him that he doesn't have to change because you continually put it up with it, and take it, and haven't left him. He has no reason to change.

Look, I'm not defending him. It's very fucked up that he wants to have sex infront of the kids, that he cheats, that he lies. But it's even more fucked up that you put up with it, if that's what's really happening. I don't get why you got involved with someone so much more sexual than you are. You knew who he was before you married him. Accidental pregnancy or not, why would you marry someone you were so vastly different from? You described what the relationship was like before marriage. When you don't want to do the things he wants to do, he leaves you to go off with friends. Neother of you are happy. He proved to you over and over the kind of partner he was going to be and it's clearly not the kind of partner you want. Yet, you chose to marry him. You proved to him it's OK that he treats you like shit: he treated you like shit, and you married him for it.

And you stayed. And you kept having children with him?

I'm at a loss. I have no clue why you married him, why you bred with him, or why you stay with him. The only reason you're giving is because you're children are young. I don't get it. Do you think this is the healthy choice for your children? Do you think teaching them that if someone disrespects you, lies to you, and cheats on you that you should stay and take it, is going to give them anything other than really fucked up self esteem? You can't really think staying is in their best interest.

You're right, you need alot of therapy. You have got to stop making yourself the victim. You really need to take a deep breath, take charge, and stand up for yourself. Start being a real role model and effective parent for your children instead.


Tasha 7 years ago

I have dealt with this first hand. I became engaged to my best friend of 3 years and everything was great. We made so many plans for a great future and he was so great with my son I had from a previous relationship. His old friends came around and he started to lie about everything and sneak around.

He cheated on me twice with some girl and I took him back after he kept apologizing and saying it was a mistake and he needed to fill a void. I figured I'd rather live miserable with him then without him so I stayed. Then I found out I was pregnant and it seemed everything was ok. Things were still a little rocky, but I figured we'd get past it.

Well then I find out he cheated on me two more times with a different girl and got her pregnant. He had been telling her that him and I were over and he loved her and how happy she made him. They even made plans to move to another state. His explaination was that he was desperate and once again, he was sorry. He said he'd never do it again, but how do I get past this especially with the other woman being pregnant? I chose not to go through with the pregnancy due to other valid reasons. I can't even be in the same room with him now without wanting to rip his head off. So I guess once a cheater always a cheater and I should've realized that the first time.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Tasha

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm glad you didn't go through with the pregnancy, it certainly sounds like you've made some hard decisions, and I applaud you for seeing clearly now.

I agree with you, once a cheater always a cheater. You'll find the people that protest that are either A - cheaters, or B - trying desperately to rationalize their own stupid behavior in staying with a cheater.

You need to get away from this guy. He's telling another woman he loves her, making plans, having a family with her, telling you lies. It's insane. You know what you have to do. Good luck to you.


realitygirl 7 years ago

This is my first time reading this hub and I have to say it's the first time anyone has hit the nail so firmly on the head. Veronica, you have brought the question of staying with a cheater to its absolute basic truth. Why should I stay with a liar? We have all told lies in our relationships, but the lying and deceipt of a #3 affair is almost too much to take. I found out 3 months ago that my husband of 15 years had been having an affair with a piece of shit single mother where he worked. It amazes me that he was willing to create a single mother of a teenage girl out of my daughter and me and planned to move in with his whore and her teenage daughter to be their savior. I heard the whole package of bullshit- I don't know how it happened, I wish I never did it, I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Fuck that. Too late. The thing you could do to save our marriage is to invent a time machine, turn it back one year, and remember that you're married and should not fuck other women. I allowed him to stay in our home to work it out and we are seeing a marriage counselor. Yes, I still love my husband, but cannot get over the fact that he was capable of lying to me over such a long period of time. The affair and any additional info about it were all painfully extracted by me. He didn't come clean at first, told me he was having an affair, but there had been no sex, just kissing. What a surprise when I found out a month later that they had been having sex for months! Shocking. What man carries on a relationship with a woman, spends time with her and doesn't end up in the sack? He also initially said that it was over, but continued to be in contact with her. Now, he says, it is REALLY over. Oh, thanks. The lying is unbelievable! I don't think he will do it again, and I do think it is over, partly because I am all over his every move and checking his phone, car and pockets. When he was confronted initially about this, he told me that he loved me, but was not "in love" with me. He told me that his plan was to leave me and his daughter and move in with this woman and HER daughter and move on. I convinced him that he should not do this and 2 weeks later, he agreed to stay and work it out with me. At the time, I was desperate to keep my family together, but now, I am starting to be constantly plagued with the thought of his decption, his lies and the fact that I was stupid enough to have married a man that was capable of all this. I am so fucking tired of all these people ,professional and otherwise, who say that the marriage must have had problems before the affair and that i should be willing to accept blame for some of these problems. No shit!! Every marriage has problems- but some of us decide to work out the problem, not spend every spare moment with another person, outside of the marriage. How do you work on problems when you are not giving any effort or attention to your marriage. I am still in this marriage, but am holding on a thread. Thanks, Veronica , for a piece of the truth and a reality slap.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Wow Realitygirl!

Let me tell you something.  Those assholes that tell you that you should accept blame for part of the problem if your husband cheats, are idiots. Would they tell a battered woman she has to accept her share of the blame for being hit?

People in Affair #3 - No one is saying there weren't problems in the marriage. And in some cases the man has every reason to want out. I'm saying, so then be a man, and get out. Spend the energy working on the marriage. And if it can't be fixed, then leave: honestly, respectfully, and with dignity.

Cheating is paramount to hitting. It's a coward's way of dealing with things.

I've said this over and over, in many different hubs and articles. Sometimes marriages fail. Sometimes people just fall out of love. Sometimes they got married too young, too fast, or for the wrong reasons. Sometimes there are real reasons to end it, like changes, and money, and children, and in-laws, and lack of sex. I'm not saying anyone should stay in a marriage where they feel unhappy, unloved, unvalidated, unattractive, or unsatisfied. All I'm saying is, be honest.

A marriage not working out is something that happens. However, cheating is not just something that happens. Cheating is a character flaw. It has nothing to do with your spouse, or your marriage, or anything other than your own inability to be a decent human being.

Realitygirl, I don't know what happened in your situation, and I don't need to. If the marriage had problems, he could have been honest. He could have told you why he was unhappy. He could have tried to work on it. And if it didn't work, he could have left. It would have been hard and painful now, but at least it would have been honest. Looking back, you'd be able to respect each other as people and parents.

Instead, he chose to lie and cheat, and take such a cowardly self-involved way out. That's not a man, thats a cockroach. 

Good luck to you.


dave 7 years ago

hey veronica, computer crashed...was'nt able to keep up to date with u and my situation, but have enjoyed getting updated with the hub...we're back online and hope to be able to provide a silver lining for maybe a few of those who are suffering so much pain. for those of you familiar with my story, guess what, there are some situations where you can forgive, and it actually works out...rare stuff I guarantee....but it has actually worked out for us.

my story is on this site about 10 months ago...wanted to forgive, but was'nt sure...veronica gave some great input, gave me some clarification...while I know veronica truly believes "once a cheat, always a cheat", she is not rock hard on that, and neither am I. I chose to go the forgiveness rte, against all I believe in and in this one instance, seems to have paid off

we are now in a new phase of trust...she opened up a level of transparency that I have never experienced in any other relationship...could it be a ruse? perhaps, but as I said to her..."I go forward with eyes wide open"...my heart does not deceive, cause I don't let it....my heart does not rule my mind, my ability to look at life on an emotional level without reason...to see the truth of why certain things happen. we are human, which contrary to some, does not mean we are perfect...in fact quite the opposite. as survivors, we react to every situation in a survival mode...we control life in the way we need to provide happiness, security, and health so we may go on to lead long fulfilling lives.

however....it takes a certain amount of intelligence, coupled with common sense to make it work, unfortunately we dont all have all the tools to make it all work. so thank our higher power for forums like this one and people like veronica who keep things like this site going....thanks for the read, and do know that on a rare occasion, you can forgive a cheater.


dave 7 years ago

veronica....u there?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

I'm here.


Custom Draper 7 years ago

I almost died when I read the piece above from Reality Girl. It's the EXACT same situation I've been through, to the degree that I could have written it WORD for WORD. It was so eerily similar that I showed my (cheating) husband and we both literally laughed out loud because even the words she used to describe him, the situation, and the whore...are the same as I use on a daily basis. It just goes to show you that there's more than a common thread among this breed of cheaters engaging in #3 style of affairs.

After 15 years of marriage, I also discovered that my husband was having a full blown affair with a piece of shit single mother at work. Except she worked FOR him so he blew his career in the process because he had to resign! He is now still unemployed, 6 months later in the worst ecomony in 35 years, and I'm supporting the whole family.

He didn't come clean, he was caught. But when he was caught, he didn't lie about the extent of it. He admitted it was both emotional and sexual....and said he thought he had "fallen in love" with her. He even told her that he still loved me but only as the mother of his children and he was no longer "in love" with me. Sound familiar?? I was also amazed that he was willing to create a single mother of a girl out of my daughter (mine is only 10, not a teenager...but we have another little boy of 7...so DOUBLE the amazement). And he planned to move in with his whore and HER son and daughter to be their savior.

In Reality Girl's words, I also heard the whole package of bullshit- I don't know how it happened, I wish I never did it, I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Fuck that. Too late. The thing you could do to save our marriage is to invent a time machine, turn it back one year, and remember that you're married and should not fuck other women.

I also allowed him to stay in our home to work it out and we are seeing a marriage counselor. Yes, I still love my husband, but cannot get over the fact that he was capable of lying to me over such a long period of time. The affair and any additional info about it were all painfully extracted by me. He also initially said that it was over, but continued to be in contact with her. Now, he says, it is REALLY over. Oh, thanks. The lying is unbelievable! I don't think he will do it again, and I do think it is over, partly because I am all over his every move and checking his phone, car and pockets.

I initially convinced him to stay and he agreed to work it out with me. At the time, I was desperate to keep my family together, but now I am starting to be constantly plagued with the thought of his decption, his lies and the fact that I was stupid enough to have married a man that was capable of all this. I am so fucking tired of all these people ,professional and otherwise, who say that the marriage must have had problems before the affair and that i should be willing to accept blame for some of these problems. No shit!! Every marriage has problems- but some of us decide to work out the problem, not spend every spare moment with another person, outside of the marriage. How do you work on problems when you are not giving any effort or attention to your marriage. I am still in this marriage, but am holding on a thread.


cassjr 7 years ago

What is with all you peaople out there? My ex-wife cheated on me for years,first emotionaly,then physically.She would have kept doing it till she got caught !We had been together 20 years,she cheated on me before we got married split up for six months and I took her back.Red flag #1

We had four wonderful children who we both adore, but it did not stop her from cheating again.Her excuse for leaving was she felt she needed a change.Now she wishes she put more effort into her marriage.....

My ex-wife had it all..the big house the fancy car the travel my unconditional love and attention.After a year of counseling I've come to the conclusion it has nothing to do with me.

It did not matter what I gave her what I did for her or how much I loved her she is who she is a CHEATER !!!

Facts-She was married before to a NICE guy ,she cheated on him with all 5 salesman in the office.

Then I met her she cheated on me 3 times.

She's cheated in relationship she has ever been in.

All these facts are of her own accord that she told me, when she left me.I asked her "Why are you telling me this now" her reply " I never wanted you to think any less of me"

I loved this woman with all my heart I had nothing left to give it was just not enough.

Bottom line. Once a cheater always a Cheater,as Dr Phil said a'" persons future behavior is directly related to ther past behavior".This woman moves from men to men with no remorse or regret.She is who she is.

If you ever take them back they will just do it again.No if's and's or buts.

For all of the people left behind there is a light at the end of the tunnel ,time.

Please feel free to comment


ladyj 7 years ago

as for me i cheated once and i regreted badly. it thought me how to care for others feelings. so i told myself i wont do it again. i stick to my word. but i think right now karma hit me in my ass. im in a relationship with this person i love so much for almost 2 years. he cheated on me when we were half a year and what really sadden me is that he cheated on me with my bestfriend( affair with the flesh) then he had affain with mind with other females. i lost count. i still took him back because i love him so much. but all the things he did to me is hunting me so bad, right now we kept on fightin over and over again cause of what he did to me.


dave 7 years ago

cassjr, from dave...

am so sorry for what happened to you, but I must dispute "once a cheater always a cheater"....most are, indeed...but not all. oh and btw...counselors are a funny group...I went to a marriage counselor to try and save my 3rd marriage...there was no cheating involved in this one and both my ex and I were both spilling our gut to her. my last visit with this counselor, she told me to get on with my life, that the break-up was not my fault, and that we were just too different from each other to ever make it work...yet she told my ex that I was a basket case...at the same time that she was telling me that my ex was a psycho-neurotic. we have a beautiful daughter together, and we work together to make the best life for her that we can under the circumstances...she is straight A, honor roll student...is playing piano at a level two years beyond where she should be with the amount of lessons she has had to this point...I share this with you...because of your four children...and I know this is going beyond the true scope of this hub so, all I really want to say here is that your children are precious gifts and please do all you can to make sure that they do not suffer cause of your perception of what you feel your wife is, even if it is correct...now back to the once a cheater, always etc. sorry but I cannot agree...I've been through it...I've done it.(period) I cheated when I was younger...have been cheated on more than once as I got older...am currently in a relationship with a woman who I caught cheating...almost a year ago, and was posted on this hub, over the last many months, we have(with the help of none other than our Veronica) been able to open a level of trust through transparency...I know full well that this is probably the exception to the rule, but cheating is not ALWAYS due to somekind of character defect...once in a while it takes two to...well...tango! all I'm really trying to say is careful how we brand people, for all I know, your ex may be like the majority...after all she does seem to show no remorse...but have you thought about this...sometimes it is easier to be martyr than to hurt someone you care about...like someone you have had four kids with...perhaps cowardly...but something tells me just from the tone of your text that perhaps, just perhaps...you may have had a roll in her infidelity? I will say this...as a man with many male friends, as a group...we are led by ego, and the little brain between our legs, the inability to give women the respect they are truly deserving of...and this is what I truly believe causes women to stray...why do guys stray...testosterone overload, and the fact that for centuries its what we do...supposedly our right (at one time) and now the women are saying fuck that and us guys are whining, "hey! wassup!" and saying once a cheater always a cheater...I'll bet dr. phil is a cheater and always will be, so of course he should know!!!!!!!! I'm done, thanks Veronica for letting me vent...dave


Newly betrayed 7 years ago

AS someone who recently discovered being cheated on in the manner of your second reason, I'm torn between my anger at his betrayal, and my crushing pain, but I felt compelled to bring my opinion to this forum. Yes, he lied to me, and yes he betrayed me, but I very much resent being looked at as a fool or an asshole, for not wanting to see my marriage end. What about the strength of my vows and promises? Don't I deserve some credit for being a faithful, honorable, and loving wife who has integrity enough to see that I can still love despite being hurt and betrayed? Doesn't my honesty and conviction count for anything? Aren't we always told that to err is human to forgive devine? Yes he disrespected me, he hurt me, and he lied to me, but don't belittle me and those like me for being the honest, true, committed ones in the relationship. I believe in my wedding vows despite what he's done to me and I'm not an asshole for that. Do I have selfesteem issues? damn right I do, but I also know that I strength enough to see that he's still got some good inside him despite being an asshole. Will he have to pay for what he did? Damn right he will. He has a hell of a lot of amends to make, but don't belittle me for having the strength to give us another shot. I vowed to be his wife for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times AND in bad. I believe in those vows and their importance, and I won't be looked down upon for having the strength to forgive.


toto 7 years ago

Hi all,

its great to chance upon this thread..i came from somewhere in the east. now deliberating a divorce. we are married for 6.5 years. after giving birth to my 2nd child, 2 years bk he got himself involved with a pub waitress, regularly visiting her. i flipped and threaten divorce, but i took ownership of the problem and spoke to the pub owner ( as he is a fren who haf 3 failed marriages ) to stop asking hubby to patronise his pub.

9 months later, i caught sms on his phone from another girl who is also a pub waitress..asking him wat time to meet. it was confirmed that its another of his attempt to seek thrill. he swore and begged me to take him bk..he said it was foolish of him and promise that he will never go to pubs anymore. i took him bk after 1 week...as the children missed him.

juz another 9 months later, which was 4 days ago, i caught another sms from another girl asking him wat time is he picking her up for drinks and supper. this again is a different pub girl who probably offer "extra services" as well..he juz got to know the girl in the afternoon!! i sent him bk to his mum place right away.

no sex was involved for all above 3 encounters. and i believe it's all because i discovered them at the infancy stages. if not they would have developed into full blown affairs. these 3 girls shared the same traits, they were foreigners..and my hubby say its cheap thrill...pls tell me..how do i believe him?

i am not gorgeous but definitely charming, very responsible mother who have been paying debts and household bills for him. i am a graduate while he's high school grad.

to be very honest, my temper have been extremely bad, when he failed to make payment for his debts i shout at him. even in public. he juz kept quiet knowing that its his fault. but i always say, if you have a problem tell me. he did not, instead he turns to flings for attention. its day 4 he's away. i am more calm but wonder if things can work anymore.

he came from a thrashy family, dad walked out of the family too. he practically haf NO role models of how a good responsible husband should behave.

thanks for listening, i need some good advice..


dave 7 years ago

toto,

sure seems like a dead end road for the two of you to me...I would say that unless he is willing to do some time in A.A. as it appears he is spending his quality time in the pubs, that he will continue his past behaviour and your life will be consumed with trying to find out the truth...why waste all that time and energy when you already know what he is all about...himself...never stay together "for the kids", especially when you know that staying together will bring them nothing but turmoil...think, you know what you need to do...heal, and move on.


Jen 7 years ago

I don't know what to do. I have had an amazing marriage with my husband for 4 years and I thought we were very happy together. We were best friends, soul mates. This morning he accidently left his email screen up and I discovered several provocative emails exchanged between him and a long term friend of his who lives in a different state. He asked her things like what she was wearing right now and if she would consider pleasuring herself in fornt of him, if she sleeps naked...things like that. I was devastated - I never thought he was capable of this. I confronted him and he said they were just joking and that they had always joked like that for years. I didn't see it as a joke - it sounded pretty serious to me. The dates on the emails were from 2006 and I didn't see any recent ones. He says he knew it was wrong all along and eventually he told her it had to stop. I don't know if I believe him that he ended it (she got married right around that time so she might have ended it). He says he loves me very much and he'll do whatever it takes to prove it to me. Says he can't imagine losing me, etc etc. Says he wants to work this out, etc. The thing is that we have a 3 year old son with autism and I have to stay home to run his intensive therapy program out of our home. It's the only proven treatment and he's made great progress so far but he still needs a few more years of therapy. If I divorce my husband, then I think my son's therapy will have to end becasue I'll have to go back to work adn won't be able to be here 7 days a week to run his home program. I can't do that to my son. I'm really in a bad situation. Any advice?


Jen 7 years ago

I don't know what to do. I have had an amazing marriage with my husband for 4 years and I thought we were very happy together. We were best friends, soul mates. This morning he accidently left his email screen up and I discovered several provocative emails exchanged between him and a long term friend of his who lives in a different state. He asked her things like what she was wearing right now and if she would consider pleasuring herself in fornt of him, if she sleeps naked...things like that. I was devastated - I never thought he was capable of this. I confronted him and he said they were just joking and that they had always joked like that for years. I didn't see it as a joke - it sounded pretty serious to me. The dates on the emails were from 2006 and I didn't see any recent ones. He says he knew it was wrong all along and eventually he told her it had to stop. I don't know if I believe him that he ended it (she got married right around that time so she might have ended it). He says he loves me very much and he'll do whatever it takes to prove it to me. Says he can't imagine losing me, etc etc. Says he wants to work this out, etc. The thing is that we have a 3 year old son with autism and I have to stay home to run his intensive therapy program out of our home. It's the only proven treatment and he's made great progress so far but he still needs a few more years of therapy. If I divorce my husband, then I think my son's therapy will have to end becasue I'll have to go back to work adn won't be able to be here 7 days a week to run his home program. I can't do that to my son. I'm really in a bad situation. Any advice?


Trisha jane 7 years ago

My husband cheated on me, (in the third way) for years on end & i found out about it about three years ago. He is a Doctor, a good working professional, while i am a stay at home mother to our two children. I thought about divorcing him, on the spot, then. But we got counseling, and everything is ok now... All I'm saying is that men are scum... But they deserve another chance. I love my Albert!! he is the best thing for me, & I am so glad that I chosem to forgive him. We haven't even been to counseling for a year and a half. He used to stay at his job late, but no more. He used to never bring me flowers, now he does. All I'm saying is that I would have missed the remarkable transformation that has taken place in him had I dumped him then, as I have fallen ever deeper in love with Albert than I ever was, even than when we had only just met when we were in our late 20's. I am now pregnant with our third kid. I'm just writing this to you to saythat people can change; I have firsthand experience of this... Just look at Albert!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Trisha Jane,

Wow, thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm glad things really worked out for you. Men tend to reveal in their deeds what they really want. He's showing you and I think that's awesome. But for the record, I really think he's the exception ;)

Good for you guys. Best to you.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

I can forgive but I can never forget. I think that when someone betrays your trust, you tend to get a little suspicious and paranoid and watch their every move. Then, when they fall again, all your past hurts you never forgot come flooding back. I think if someone cheated, it's something they have to live with, but whether to forgive and forget, that is something you have to live with.


phoenix 7 years ago

I thought I could forgive, after the first time. We cried together, promised to each other that we would work it out. She begged me not to go, and I made the decision that I didn't want to - that hard times with her were better than any time without her. I forgave her. We were going to address the Problems that "led" to the cheating, maybe get into therapy together.

Then she did it again. Different boy, same intimacy (Type 2), no desire to be faithful, no desire to work things out aside from keeping appearances for me so she could end our relationship when it was convenient for HER, as opposed to being honest up front.

Add to this her syncopantic friends in non-monogamous relationships who rushed to her aid, believing the opportunity to free her from a single-partner relationship and all of its "problems" was their calling; their crusade as self-described feminists. Then add in the Boys she met online; the ones all too eager to explain how horrible I was and how I had it coming and deserved it, how I didn't understand what I had and how willing they were to show her, love her, and make her their own - in exactly the same fashion that the syncopantic friends believed they were freeing her from.

And with all of that considered, I'm still relieving her of the responsibility of her own choice. Her choice to listen to those voices and believe them, her choice to cheat, her choice to destroy the 6 years we had in a matter of weeks without lifting a finger to speak to me, end it honestly like we had agreed multiple times we would do, or be up front with me. In the end, as angry as I am about all of that, the choice was still hers and she made it.

And to think. I was going to put an engagement ring on her finger this year for Loving Day - not that the syncopantic friends and all the Boys would ever understand why that day would be important to me, or to us. Now I'm not sure she even understands anymore.

Thank you Veronica. I've requoted you over at my blog.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

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AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

So much pain and so much sadness, cheating is hard to overcome some can overcome it and others cannot. It depends on the committment and the communication you have for one another. I believe there is love a percentage of the time in the relationship, but something went haywire for one or the other to go astray. Support groups are helpful and so is counseling if both are willing to heal and get to the root of the problem. Some men and women will always go astray , no matter what the cost and others will work through the mistakes and trust will be regained. No relationship is perfect and we have all made mistakes in some fashion or other. My marriage had adultery in it and I can attest that our marriage has been stronger then ever and trust has been regained. Our communication and committment for each other as been stronger then ever, but we did everything we could to air our issues through counseling and dump our old baggage, in turn we now have function in our relationship and a love that is beyond words. Your article does notate all of the issues surrounding cheating spouses , but some of them do work themselves out. We are the 1% . :)


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

AEvans,

Thanks for the meaningful comment - therapy and couselling are certainly viable tools that I neglected to discuss, I hope people will consider those options. Your experience is unique and exemplary, and I really appreciate your sharing it here.


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

Veronica, I believe you should write an article on that, as it should be part II you can include my comment if you wish. Our experience is unique and exemplary as it was a long hard road and we accomplished. We are in love everyday when we wake up. :)


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Thanks for the idea! I will have to do some research on it, and see if I can find enough information to compose a useful article. Meanwhile, if YOU write up your story, please come back and link it here.

xo


Kestrelskid 7 years ago

Great article Veronica.

I have a situation I would like to add to this and maybe get some other peoples input.

To start I will say that your number 2 eg suits me almost to a tee however there is more to the story from my end.

I have been with my husband for 13yrs we have 4 kids together. In my past every male involved with my life cheated. My father with numerous women and my parents stayed together for the kids sake. You are right it was the worst possible thing they could have done. That was the start of my insecurity and mistrust.

On to the two of the more involved boyfriends that I had both cheated on me with their exes. Both times I was told that they are just friends no possible way they could ever be sexual.....well they both did. Wonderfully considerate of one of them did the deed while I was down stairs in his livingroom playing cards with our friends.

When I met my husband we talked about so many things about how things should be in a relationship, I told him that exes are off limits as far as my comfort level goes. I told him that I can tolerate a lot of things but not lies.

Last month I was looking for some pictures I had emailed to his facebook, my backup harddrive crashed and took all of my kid pictures. I always sent the pictures to his facebook and he would recieve notification that he had new photos in his mail. I did not have his password for facebook never felt the need to have it I trusted him.

While looking through these notifications to see if I could find the one particular picture I wanted I came across a quik note from his ex. In this communication he was asking her about some member of her family. So I started to snoop in the next communication she said "don't worry I won't tell her its just too bad she doesn't trust you" and more.....I pulled him up on it and he stated that she contacted him and that he told her that it was inappropriate for him to talk to her as I wasn't comfortable with that and that he would never intentionally hurt me. I was mad and wasn't quite sure I believed him but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Now feeling what I did the moment I found the email I forwarded it to myself and via that sent her a message that "It has nothing to do with mistrust and everything to do with respect for his wife to have nothing to do with his ex. As a woman I hope you would understand that." have heard nothing back.

Well being still suspicious I have found out his password and have been checking his acct. Found another email to another woman from his past where my hubby states "lolol at her bf at the time being really upset at how well they(her and my now hubby) got along" also telling her "I really regret not getting to know you better"

I also figured out a way to retrieve that one e-mail from his ex...after he deleted it....turns out HE contacted her and told her not to mention to me that they had been talking as it would be so much easier for him, cause I got pissy everytime he talked to other women......Never as far as I can remember BTW.

Other incidents with him about lying eg....I had no problem with him going to strippers what I did have a problem with was touching he swore that it would never happen.......I ended up finding a picture of him grinning like a cat about to get some with his hands on her naked breasts. I forgave but never forgot that one and the few others where along the same line of actions. He keeps telling me how sorry he is that he never intentionally hurt me but he intentionally clicked on her link he intentionally contacted her and he intentionally asked her not to tell me. How much more intent can there be.

My biggest thing right now is I can't even look at him never mind have him touch me. This is a repairable dent but I have no idea where to let him start.

Blessings and Thanks for such a great article Veronica.

KK


zentango profile image

zentango 7 years ago from Southern California

Recently went out with much younger 26-yr old girl for 4 months. We joked about the difference in age but found we had quite a bit in common.

There were starts & stops to the relationship, but we seemed to keep at it. For a while, we looked like things were heading into serious territory, only to have her suddenly stop communicating & refuse to talk about what's happened.. Finally after 4 days saw her Google chat tagline read "wearing a beautiful dress & a smile to match just for you"..pretty sure she's not doing that for me, but really sad how she hasn't even given an explanation as to what happened.

Maybe some wouldn't consider this cheating since we were "only" dating, but my guess is that they didn't suddenly meet as things went south for us.

I asked her about other times when she was at "dance practice" or "yoga" - rarely getting a straight answer.

While I'm not justifying stalking behavior, I think many of us on this forum can understand how a cheating partner's behavior can drive us crazy for some kind of answer as to what's happening.

So a few days ago I showed up & confronted her, even though she refused to return phone calls / text messages.

Just have the guts to tell someone to their face that things aren't working out!

Guess cheating was an easier way out than having real conversations. Real shame because we might have had a continuing friendship or something else if things didn't work out.

Not much chance of that now!


PeaceLily 7 years ago

I've been with my boyfriend for five months and recently confirmed that he's been seeing someone else the entire time. I confronted him twice and he lied about her twice - said she lived in another state and they were good friends. Guess what? She doesn't live in another state - she lives in our city, and they were more than friends. He swears it was a relationship that was dying down and then we met - but he continued to see her. He says they were non-sexual during the time we were together. I saw emails from and to him where they call each other "sweetie" and ending with "xoxo". That doesn't seem like a non-sexual friendly relationship. He tells me that he loves me; my response to him is that I don't think that he knows what love is - love is not lying and being deceitful.

He tells me that he knows he messed up (f****d up were the exacty words) and he's incredibly sorry, and he wants a chance to make it right and show me that he can be trusted. He thinks we have something amazing we can build on.

Sadly, and unfortunately, I have to admit that my feelings for him have changed. I don't feel that I love him, I don't trust him, I don't know how to trust him ever again. He cheated on me, and lied to me when I asked him about it - both times.

Why do I not love and honor myself enough to even consider taking him back? I feel as though I have two people in front of me - him and me, and I have a choice to make about who I'm going to pick. Why would I pick him over me? I've been with me my whole life, and I need to nuture and love my psche. I am so grateful to my friends who are in great relationships with wonderful men - so that I have role models of what love should be, and what a good man is made of.

How do I trust him ever again? How do people do that?


dave 7 years ago

hey veronica!

I'm still around and as promised, keeping you and the rest up-dated as to the success/failure at my attempt to keep the relationship after the affair. ok, so far so good. one responder wanted to know wether or not it ended up in total disaster after 6 months...sorry to disapoint. been over 14 months now...eyes still wide open, still very transparent in all we do. she is still at the same job and has really come to dislike the co-worker she slipped with...she is trying to get a transfer to a different department to get away from him, but as yet there are no openings for a person with her skills. she has been very open with me about her hours, keeps a written log of them, and her paycheck stubs match her log.

we are still together...and happy...but I know that I must always keep my eyes wide open...god I need some sleep!


shamoree 7 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Ok I am a fan also now.

Sadly, I have come across looking for help and answers as i am more in a number 2. I am ashame, I think, of what my husband has done, and i have not shared it with my close friends as would usually. My mum is my best friend and as she is recovering from cancer and is very passionate, although she is aware of the situation, i cannot discuss this with her anymore.

So right now i feel like i have no one to talk to.

As someone said before, most of my relationships have been with adulterers, so when i married , i decided to marry a religious God fearing 'decent' guy. We married very quickly. and our initial issues were that he had to support him and as he was from another continent, i often wonder if he just married me for the citizenship.

Anyway, for these 6 years i have been begging for some attention on my birthdays, anniversaries, or any other celebrations when he would not do or buy anything for me and i really felt that he didn't love me, appreciate me...I never doubted his faithfulness to be honest, which was a nice change, not having to worry about him going out (because he doesn't...) or anything. I gave birth to his son and he didn't bring anything.

I've explained over the years that this was very important to me and that i need to feel appreciated and validated, but yet he wouldn't do it. How couldn't he?

I wanted affection and he wouldn't give me any.

I always have been the breadwinner, that includes buying his socks and paying for him to visit his mum (twice) abroad, holidays, restaurant ...everything. To be honest i have been tired of this also, as i really need someone to be able to rest on.

So, he works night and i work days, and he is always tired and never spends time with his family or is miserable because he is too tired.

This situation has been taking its toll and i said to him we need to talk as our marriage was going downhill - which he refused to do, but yet anytime i made suggestions he was fast to criticize.

The situation got crazier and he said very hurtful things to me which was a time when i had to live to care for my mum. I asked that he made changes as he apologised before a million times, so this time i needed some action.

So for the past 2 months he has been sleeping on the sofa as he refused to change and said he was saving some money to be able to move out as asked him to do as he clearly stated that he refused to change. Last Saturday, i called him to say i could no longer live like this and that he really need to make up his mind, since we cannot communicate without screaming anymore, this didn't go well...and i proceeded to pack his things. In doing so, i found his last phone bill and found that in his last phone bill he had texts 443 times and this one number in particular, including pictures.

Confronted him, he apologised and begged, lied about who it was and how long etc... so the more i looked into it the more i found he lied and the worst he got. He has been texting and talking to this girl for about 3 months, she said nothing physical happened between them and that he said he had no children nor wife. Turns out he had been texting a lot of women and sending pictures, which he never does with me.

Meanwhile, i am thinking: so the time you were insulting me, and telling me you didn't want to change - you were actually talking to this other woman?

His whole family is begging me to keep him and apologizing on his behalf. He has changed his number since, asked for forgiveness, bought flowers but he doesn't want to talk about it nor does he want to talk to me either actually. i think he is very sorry, but the fact is - he did it, and it wouldn't have stopped - did i not find out about it.

I said to him i want to know, he is not doing it, I am asking for a STD / AIDS test - he said no, yet he wants to fix things?????

I left a letter to say he should move out, i want explanations, no lies, changes, a STD test, change his job (since that is where he meets these women - he works in a bar/club) and re-build the trust, then may be we could 're-marry' - as this one is over. If i lose him to another then it wasn't meant to be, if he is really sorry, then i hope he will do what needs to be done. Do you think this is reasonable - anyone?

I'm afraid that he is only scared because he has nowhere to go, and his papers for citizenship are due this year. How do I believe him now?

I don't know what to do, i am so hurt. Also, as i told him before, i am not strong enough to forgive and forget, how can i trust him again? I honestly never thought he would do this to me. Our marriage wasn't great before that, may be that is why, but why refuse to talk about it and take time to fix it? He is a big man and he made his own choices. I haven't been happy and lacked affection, that didn't entitle me to go and find what was missing somewhere else. I tried to discuss it and it blew in my face.

Oh by the way - he needed affection, yet he doesn't give any as he is always tired and miserable. Does it mean if he goes and live alone for a while, he is going to mess around because he needs 'affection/sex'. Should i forgive him to avoid him going astray?

I feel as he is used to me forgiving him and calming down, he has taken that for granted. If i decide to take him back, i want him to know there are consequences for his actions - would you consider that enough?

I can't believe he has gone there, I have 3 children (the oldest one doesn't want me to be back with him - my husband doesn't spend quality time with them so they only see him as a strict - miserable dad really - my 2 older children are from a previous relationship).

Help please!


dave 7 years ago

so, been 15 months and I could not be happier..I,my girlfriend and her son are sharing a very fulfilling life together...sorry to disappoint those who thought it would'nt last 6 months, and end in a train-wreck. once a cheater always a cheater is too broad a blanket statement and we are proof of that. after 15 months I am not only secure in my relationship, it just gets better every day. I am not trying to imply that this will be the case for everybody, but for some ,there really can be hope...love is the real key here, honesty, and transparency during the healing period is paramount and if you really want to make it work(cheater) then this is not such a huge hurdle. love, live, be honest, and happiness will be yours...no-one is perfect, we all make mistakes, the key is to be true to yourself first and then realize that because you are not perfect, virtually anything is possible. until you can own up to your own short comings, that you have everything to do with whatever happens to you in this tough world to live in. no one is exempt from making mistakes, and sometimes the mistakes we make can result in things that are far too easy to blame on how others respond to the mistakes we made...I guess it's our nature...it is very hard for most people to admit to their own short comings,especially men, for some reason( my ex would call it ego). perhaps it goes back to when we lived in caves, and so deeply ingrained in our psyche that we have created a world where now, "whats good for the goose is good for the gander". never really understood that quip till now. so in closing I would say that unless you are 100% sure that there can be no redemption...and if there is LOVE, give it a chance, be honest with yourself the role you may have played in the affair, and then be honest with each other...I have done a great deal of soul searching to keep this thing together, and it is probably the best expense of energy I have ever used. I am now very happy and secure in my relationship. you will not be hearing from me again unless something goes terribly wrong...hopefully that would be in the form of an obituary...Dave


Maya 7 years ago

Hi,

Randomly came across this blog and I really like it.

Well mine is a number 2. We have been dating for 5 years and got engaged last year in July. His ex has been in the picture but he always said thye were simply good friends, they talk alot and she comes to him for relationship advice when fighting with her fiance. Well, Last year I found out her name was his password and I was not in the least amused coz she really is an ex and should be history. I did voice my concerns about their relationship and he said he would never cheat on me with her. Fast forward and two weeks ago, he left his email open and I checked only to find emails of them both saying how much they miss each other, him telling her he loves her and that what they share is special, loving, nice and that they should not end it. There were also emails on travel arrangements but it wasnt clear where. I was so furious and all he did was say it wasnt what I think it is. I returned his engagement ring and told him never to contact me. I did not allow for any explanations because all he kept saying was that its not what I think it is. But how can one still be telling their ex how much they miss each other and say he loves her yet he is planning on walking down the aisle soon. The other thing he said was that he never had sex with her which still doesnt make him a lesser sinner. I feel so betrayed now, but it doesnt help that am being told that he deserves my forgiveness coz no man wont cheat. I know I cant bring myself to getting back with him, and I hate it that he makes it seem like I blew things out of proportion!!! Now his friends keep calling to ask me to forgive him saying he trully loves me and all that. I feel so betrayed right now, and in usual confused state that I am in, I have many questions that cant be answered even to the extent of asking myself if I overreacted although deep down I believe that is cheating.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Maya

Good for you, you empowered woman! After asking you to marry him, he's emailing his ex saying he misses her? That is absolute bullshit. I'd have been out of there too. You did no over react at all. You are an inspiration.

Best to you!


heartbroken  7 years ago

Hi everyone

I caught my fiance having an affair online after 3 months of dating him, he appologised and promised it will never happen again, 6 months later, it was more than one woman, more like 5 or 6 women, where he had chat room sex with them, some of them were even ppl he's met before me and slept with before we started dating, he said things like i wana do u like before, im getting hard do u wanna suck.

He broke my heart but again being stupid i took him bk, now he keeps leaving sexual comments on women's facebook pictures. He claimes to love me and sometimes i believe me, he blames me 4 not trusting him and says the comments are innocnt because they women are only his friends and he's just naturally friendly.

I wanna leave him and i know its the best thing to do, im just not sure if im being a bit harsh, i cant bring myself to forgive him because he keeps doing it. He claims he loves me and he can change, he's 30 and says he's never being in a relationship before me, that is why he acts this way.

Im really heart broken. Please advise me because we're meant to be getting married in 5 months and im scared of the future


winnard 7 years ago

I discovered my wife of twenty years, was cheating on me last week. We started marriage counseling immediately, however, I feel like the one who is having to kiss ass, not her. I'm willing to forgive, but I'll never forget.


Karraline profile image

Karraline 7 years ago

AMEN SISTA!

I've never been in a marital situation like that, but I have been betrayed by a parent. When any sort of trust is broken- purposefully, over and over, It is not possible to forgive and forget- that is, with still having a relationship with that person. My father molested me, and last year I pressed charges, and haven't spoken to him since. I have forgiven him, but forgiveness has nothing to do with whether or not you have anything to do with him/her, as some people fail to understand.


Simon Persica 7 years ago

I had a girlfriend who was a cheater.I dumped her and I'm not talking to her again ever.


Mist 7 years ago

Great article.


College Guy 7 years ago

Not sure how active this still is, but I'm hurting and would like to put this out there.

Recently found out my girlfriend of 2 years spent a weekend dating an aquaintence after three consecutive weekends on vacation with me. She waited until I was out of town and started contacting him immediately. When I got back she was distant and when I found out she was very hesitant to come clean and I had to nearly pry out what she repeats as the truth.

I gathered my things and left and for nearly a week we had no communication other than a sorrowful text from her wishing to patch things up or continue a friendship. This weekend she is visiting home and we have planned to talk when she gets back, but I'm not sure what I want when we do.

She said there was nothing physical, she is not interested in him in any way, and it was nothing she wouldn't do with a normal friend but the fact that she hid it and lied to me indicates otherwise. She said there were issues left between us and this effected her decision making, but I would much rather have worked it out than go through this. No relationship is easy or perfect, but we had two wonderful years and although the thought of a breakup has appeared in my mind before, only two weeks ago she was planning to attend gradschool together and seemed more interested in a future than even I was. Am I stupid to think there was more in this relationship than I believed? Why the sudden change in her actions? Everyone I know says to move on, I'm young, but I love her so much, and might be willing to forgive her if we can move forward. Would repairing things be a waste of time if we end up breaking up a few months or years from now?

I would appreciate any input, but keep in mind I adhere to an oldfashioned set of values where I believe in comittment and persistance through adversity, and think most of the romantic movies we see today only ready relationships in the real world for failure due to their insistence on love only and ever keeping two people together. Relationships are complicated and there is so much more going on than the immediate surrounding situations romantic fantasy movies are based on.

In essence I wonder if sticking together can do us any good or am I just preparing us both for greater heartbreak in the future. How do you who have been cheated on regain the trust and live with the person who has betrayed you? Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I've had a brief half day of joy since finding out and it relied heavily on alcohol and a sympathetic close friend. I just want to be happy again, I was only two weeks ago. What happened?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

College Guy,

If your girlfriend was older, more mature, more experienced - I would be feeling differently about your situation. If you were married I'd be feeling differently as well.

But considering your specific circumstances and your wording I'm going to tell you my thoughts.

Anyone can make a mistake. It's not like she fucked this guy, right? At least, that's what you believe is the truth. You hinted that you guys were having some issues. She's young, she didn't know better, I imagine she was scared as you said she was the one planning grad school and you weren't as "interested in the future together." She may have been reacting to that. She may have been scared, preparing for that ending she interpreted from her commitment being more permanent than yours.

She certainly fucked up. You're right - keeping a secret like that is a big bad thing. Affairs of the heart are horrific, sometimes worse than sexual affairs. She planned this, she thought about it, she did something deliberately behind your back and lied to you. I am not at all saying this is OK.

But it sounds like her mistake brought the two of you into a real reality check about your relationship.

The answer may be that this is the end, even though it wasn't the one you were subconsciously thinking of. If that's the case, surely you should let this one go. But if it's not, if the pain her mistake caused you has given you a kick in the ass on how strongly you feel about this girl, then don't dismiss just yet.

On an off note - Your "old fashioned" view of love I don't think is old fashioned, just realistic. Relationships are hard work sometimes. But being completely committed at a very young age is a very poor way to figure out what you need in a relationship, what you can give, how you love, and how to be loved. Alot of why your girlfriend made the mistake she did is because she didn't know how to handle things the right way. Someone with more dating and relationship experience might have handled it differently.

I'm not judging, or saying it can't work. I'm saying don't confuse "old fashioned values" with an unrealistic idea that you can know what you want before your frontal lobes even develop. You will be a completely different man at 30 than you were at 22. You will have the physiological ability to comprehend consequence. No matter how mature you are now, no matter how good you are at relationships and loving and self awareness, there are parts of your brain that are just now coming into existence.

My advice is this. Meet with her. Talk. Date again. But take it slow. Maybe even date other people. You do not have to decide right now whether or not you want to give the relationship another chance. Take your time making that decision. Communicate with her. Date others. Be open. You may know in a few months, you may know in a few weeks. But don't make a decision you're not ready to make yet. Don't decide because you force yourself to. Decide when you know the answer.

And believe me, you will.


getting there profile image

getting there 7 years ago

I really like your hubs Veronica. Thanks. The discussion here has been great. It's got me thinking, and I'm curious, based on Oprah's definition, if a person is open about their intimate activities outside the relationship, regardless of what their partner may think about them, would those activities then not qualify as an affair? After all, isn't that similar to a spouse who devotes their energy to the kids, work, rest or other pursuits openly neglecting or making light of the emotional and intimate needs of the other spouse?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

getting there,

Thanks. I know what you're saying. It's one thing to confide in a long time trusted friend, it's another to speak openly to many people, at your partner's expense. If it isn't ok with a person's partner that they speak so openly about their private life, I agree it's a form of betrayal. Not cheating, not an affair, but it is a problem.


getting there profile image

getting there 7 years ago

Veronica,

On second read, I understand how my last comment could be confusing. I apologize.

What I was really saying is that much infidelity actually does occur while a partner is watching. I was actually trying to draw attention to the fact that based on these new definitions of affairs, a very common, frequently overlooked, and very damaging, though often socially acceptable form of affair occurs at the moment when one partner devotes their energy to kids, work, other relationships, or other pursuits and fails to exert sufficient energy to be engaged with and meet the emotional and intimate needs of their partner. I would place this under the definition of your TYPE 2 affairs. This type of affair frequently leads to one or both partners committing additional TYPE 1, 2, or 3 affairs.

Jon in an earlier comment described this kind of infidelity with the following comment:

"The truth is that for many men affairs begin for exactly this reason. They have often spent years in marriages that are sexless or consist of 90% begrudging sex. Women in the throws of motherhood can go through years with little emotional consideration for men who they see as irritating and demanding overgrown babies. The result of this is that men have normally become tired of and depressed by rejection before they finally decide to reduce their resentment for their spouse and increase their happiness by having an affair."


Gman 7 years ago

I understand your resentment if your partner had a full blown affair; I had mine do it and then some. I was raised in a belief that "if you cannot forgive than God cannot forgive you." I did just that; I forgave the people involved. It put the guilt etc. on them to put their actions into perspective. After that, things have changed for the better.


Taby 7 years ago

I have been married to my husband for 6 months... we are both in the military and have been separated for 9 months... (got married during leave) I came to find out that while i've been away he has been talking not only to someone else online.. but men. He told me he's been really lonely because all he does is sit at home. I asked him if he was gay and he said he jus feels like if he talked to a girl it would be cheating, all he wanted was to feel wanted. He keeps saying how he's miserable and cant stand that im not with him, he doesnt even have family in the area. I still love him but i just dont know how to take all this. I've dont everything i could to make this long distance marriage work. We never even got the chance to be together. In three weeks I'll be moving to the same place and i'll have to see his face everyday at work... I dont want to divorce him, i just want him to fix his problem. I dont see a forum for this... how do u forgive someone if your in a situation like this? I REALLY REALLY want to...


Elizabeth 7 years ago

... my signifanct other works in the restaurant business, and i girl actually left her number on a condom for him along w/ her tip.. now first off who would be attracted to a girl that is slutty enough to do that.. well that just blows my mind. well we were out on a hunting trip and i stayed back at our cabin to get ready to go out to the town bar and he went ahead and hunted for a few hours and his phone went off.. the girl eventually told me everything, thats when i read all the text how he had been trying to get her to come out to OUR cabin and kept asking her to come drink and get in OUR hot tub.. when i confronted him he said that it was just simple flirting and i had no reason to be mad but the girl and the text clearly showed he was trying to persue her but she kept standing him up so i took that as if he would have gotten the chance he would have done it.. but how do i trust him like he keeps threatening to change his facebook password so i cant be in his business, and trys to hide his cell phone at times. how do i go on everyday with out bringing it up, because we have talked it out, and i told him i forgive him, but i just cant stop thinking about it or stop bringing it up and its causing us to fight someone tell me what to do.


Taby 7 years ago

Elizabeth,

If he was sorry for what he did he wouldn't be trying to hide anything from you. If he thinks its ok to just flirt with a girl while he's commited to you then you have to think about if thats ok with you. It's clearly not (understandbly) so if you aren't in a serious relationship (marriage) you should try looking for a guy who is willing to give you the commitment you deserve. Which is what it boils down to. He is being selfish by keeping and doing those things behind your back. He hasn't even taken into consideration your feelings. Do you feel you deserve that? He sounds like a waste of your time. If you value yourself, which you should, then demand respect. No one likes a push over so if he doesn't... bail. Be a BOSS don't let him feel he can own you. Be strong because you're better off with heartache for a little bit and finding later on he just wasn't what you really wanted after all. You may not be religious but god will not set you up for something you can't handle. Take that step and do whats right for you.


Elizabeth 7 years ago

Taby, I appreciate your feedback very much. We are still currently living together and I'm trying very hard not to think about it everyday. Things have been going well between us, but I'm still at the point of every time we have a conflict how do I go about not throwing, the well you were the one that cheated on me card in his face. And I finally told him that I think what he was doing hurt so bad because it was emotional. He was talking to her like he should be talking to me, the one he "loves". Telling her he missed her and wanted to see her. Also when I looked in his call log there would be times when he would be talking to me, and not even 2 minutes later he would call her. Honestly I want to save our relationship, I've always believed that there is someone for everyone, and even though this happened I still feel like he is my someone. Thank you again. and Any comments are greatly appreciatted


omneya 7 years ago

To the writer of the article:

You talked about the proper reaction for only type 3 pf the affairs .....how about type 2, especially if it was found out and the cheater after making promises that it was over still went on with it.....what do you think is the proper reaction.....knowing that it was purposful deception as you said and i believe that too?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

omneya,

"This is not only a betrayal of your vows and promises, it is blatant disrespect to you as a person. They cheated with their head and their heart. To many people, myself included, this is much worse than cheating sexually."

To me, it's not forgivable. My feelings for type 2 and 3 are the same. I deserve better. Don't you?


Jazmin 7 years ago

I was just cheated on. My boyfriend apparently has a fetish for online chatting with women and cyber sex. I'm not sure if the relationship is ending or whether I'm prepared to give a second chance. But, once you've begun a life together and have combined all of your accounts and responsibility it is much harder to just walk away.


Jake040 7 years ago

This is a fantastic, insightful article and it knocked some sense into my knucklehead ;-)

I recently broke up with my partner of 6 years (she had wanted to stay together) only to discover that she had been cheating on me towards the very end - a Type 2 cheat although I can't be sure because the trust has now evaporated (well at least I think it was only towards the end...)

When I confronted her with it I got the "I never loved anyone like you, I didn't want to break up, you were my best friend, blah, blah, blah..."

I almost started to buy it. Until I read this article and realized that she can't possibly have loved me, certainly didn't respect me and with 'best friends' like that who needs enemies.

She even asked that we just have a break and when I said "No that never works because one person may get into a new relationship while the other hasn't moved on..." - her response was "But I am not interested in anyone else or relationships, I just need time to work out how to be with you..." This is while she was having an affair.

Bottom line people - if you get cheated on - be strong, realize that you were being conned and break off all contact, forever. There are good people in world - give yourself the chance to meet one of them and have a relationship with meaning.


John 7 years ago

I agree with the article although I took the other action of staying. The line that everyone quotes is very true. "The problem is your mate's CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying and cheating. "

It was 17 years ago for me that my wife was involved with a so called friend for 11 months. I asked her at the beginning before anything started as I was uncomfortable with something she did. She lied nothing was going on. Even 11 months later when he left her she said at that time things had not gone beyond #2 but did later. She made a clean sweep of things although one that sticks to this day in my head is when she said," I know how you feel as when he left me I felt like you do." That was nearly the last straw...

It started I had trouble between jobs and finally got a job out of town for 11 days and a few other times for a few days. She was isolated from friends and family and took up with him. He had told me 2 years prior that he admired our relationship.

Since then she has visited her mother every year for 3 months in another country where we go on leave for 1 month a year together.( we are expatriates)

I am alone here for 3 months a year for 16 years and never had anyone in my bed although many women available when you are lonely here if that is your liking.

Some people like to say that it takes "2 to tango." A silly saying at best. It only takes one to leave a trusting relationship. 2-1=1 meaning in some circumstances that is all it takes.

We stuck it out for 16 years now. I still love her in a friendship sense but for 5 years since the children were born there is nothing romantic now although there was very little before.( religious upbringing people do not divorce etc.)

Last January, her mother who had an affair 44 years ago with the pastor which brought about my wife's birth (My wife is the last child of 8.) Became very hostile to me for calling an affair what it was. " my wife was whoring around for 1 year and then has been perfect for 16 years since then, this still confuses me to this day".

I was talking to her 7 born child who was still dealing with her husband taking up with no. 6's wife.

I was so shocked that she over heard only told my wife the whoring word and not the rest of the statement.

I believe her mothers lying which continues to this day( she never admitted it to her husband just covered it up) brought about a culture in their family of lying which never showed on the surface. I told my wife it was amazing that your mother would be happy to break up this relationship as well by omitting the full sentence. I was quoted as calling my wife a "whore". Maybe I should have said screwing or (D)ucking"

All of the childrens's realtionships have been affected by their partners cheating. They seem to have grown up with an inability to see deceit in the partners they choose.

All in all I agree with Oprah. If I feel I am saying something a little to intimate with a woman I image what it would be like for my wife to be present and break away from the situation that is the best test to apply.

Some say that men are more heart by the physical sex and women by the falling in love with another. On the whole from observation this seems partly true.

Men tend to judge women by men's standards and women judge men by woman's standards. I notice not all but a lot of women will forgive a man who says he was lonely. They can see themselves being weak in that situation.

Don't worry, it was not loneliness. Just lust. We men feel tempted to lust on a daily basis and choose not to follow that way. Those who do make the choice to have sex with another while their wife is kept ignorant do it for that reason only.

If love is giving then that is one thing if love in feeling in love that is quite something else.

When the other party rang to explain, I told him that I was a man and know how men think. Go and try your stories on the women you like to seduce. He had been through 5 of his companies clients wives at that stage.

I had to see his boss to get my company's claims met for robbery insurance. For some reason he was so arrogant as to not hand them over to an independant assessor. He was moved out of the country within 2 weeks.

Honesty is not something that is really appreciated in business.


hurt and angry 6 years ago

Hi everyone

I have been very interested in all of your comments but still feel that I need some help.

I have been with my husband for a total of 12 years now and in that time I have been both happy beyond belief and devestated. At the very start of our relationship it was rocky for both of us but we were young and although we did not cheat on each other we did both act in a questionable manner. We moved on from this and in time we were married and had our own home. I fell pregnant shortly after we were married and this is the point that our relationship changed.

I was heavily pregnant when I found out that he had been having a type 2 relationship (to my knowledge) with another woman, it would seem that most of our friends had suspected him and hadn't felt it was their place to say anything. He apologised and said that he wasn't having an affair as nothing sexual had ever happened. I asked to meet her and he refused. I decided to stay with him but my heart was truly broken and it took a lot to rebuild it. I have to say having my son made a big difference to me as I did not have the time to think about it. I have got to say that it came as a massive suprise to me that he had even looked at another woman. I was so in love with him that it didn't even cross my mind, finding out was truly by accident.

We did move on and decided to have another child, I learnt pretty much to trust him again yes the seeds of doubt were there at times I would feel vunerable but they were few and far between. I loved him so much would even go so far as to say when talking about my family and my relationship I would glow with happiness.

So I would say that yes there can be a relationship and trust after such an event it takes time but it is possible.

However, two years ago on the 21st December following his last night out with work before we were to set up his own business he failed to come home. I have never felt pain like it in my life. I thought of all the things that could have happened to him I phoned all the hospitals the police and even his family.

To cut the story short he spent the night at another womans house. He phoned in the morning and tried to pretend he was at a friends house but I called his bluff. He denies to this day that anything happened and never wants to talk about it. I light of the fact that we had youg children and I believe that a marriage takes work I let hime back into the house for Christmas. He is still here now and we are still working on the relationship.

I still hurt and Christmas has never been the same for me, I hate the idea of putting up the tree and preparing for this 'happy' time. Time has been a healer this time. I feel like I have been cut deep and my heart is scared. Our relationship is not the same but I so want it to be. What worries me now is that more and more I feel the pull of new beginnings. I am much stronger and I realise that I am actually good looking and could get another guy (not sure I want one).

Not sure where to go from here.. any advice would be much appreciated x


jake040 6 years ago

To: hurt and angry

I am sorry for what you have gone through - but as Veronica writes in her article - the first thing to realize is that your husband's choice to cheat and lie is not your fault.

Sure there may be relationship problems, but the choice to deal with them by lying and cheating was your husband's and his alone.

He has also repeated this behavior and will likely do so again in the future.

You sound like you have already accepted the two points above and that's a great place to start moving on.

I have been through a similar situation recently (read my comment earlier) and I know that it's fucking hard to process and deal with.

To cut a long story short - if I were you - I would get out of this marriage/relationship. Do NOT accept that this is your lot in life. Do not demean yourself by becoming your husband's personal doormat.

From what you wrote I think it's clear that your husband will NOT change. So the hardest part will be to eliminate any possibility (in your own mind) that you and he can reconcile. He will probably turn on the charm and unload a barrage of "But I love you, you're my best friend etc." so you have to harden yourself to this.

The purpose of all of this is NOT to wreak revenge on him (it's no longer about him at all) - but to give YOURSELF the chance at a happier life - whether it be by yourself or with someone who is capable of really loving and respecting you.

Good luck honey - I know how hard this can be!


Elvira 6 years ago

I was ina relationship for 4 1/2yrs we have a 3yr old son. He moved out in july 2009. In march 2009 our relationship got really bad so we thought him moving out would give us a break to think about things. So I saught personal councelling because I was very sad I wanted him to attend as well he said no and went about doing his own thing I later found out that he was having an affair #3 (it started with consoleing eachother etc as she was also going through the same thing with her husband)with a good friend from march 09-aug 09 I found out because she after came to me and told me everything. Not that I believed eveything she said because if you knew a man was still living at home regardless the circumstance you wouldnt sleep with him until you knew the facts right especially if this was an old friend.He ended up dropping her like a hot potato he only wanted to add her as another notch on his belt he had always talked about her throughout our relationship. This man is now in another relationship since aug 09 to this present time but because I started legal action against him for child custody and support he wants to seek relationship councelling and instead of using our lawyers to which we have both obtained he wants a mediator. He still wants to stay with his girlfriend but wants to seek the councelling to be based on having a good friendship for our son but he says not closing the longterm relationship door on us because you never know we could end up together one day in the future. This man is a liar and very manipulative and loves control. He likes to have his cake and eat it too. Problem is deep down I love this guy and want to forgive him. I honestly cant believe anything he tells me In my head I always ask myself is he lying again does he really want this Im so confused on what to do with this guy. Maybe for my mental stability and my sons emotions I should go through with my legal process stay far away from him other than a hi and bye dropping off and picking up our son and move on. I loose so much energy everyday thinking about how would I get over the fact that he cheated if he came back into my life could I ever let that go would he be faithful or would he repeat this act thinking that I have condoned his acts. How do I graspe the moving on part when Ive brought a child into this world with old fashion beliefs that having and making a family should stay together, where has all the committment gone within my generation! Does this all make sense, TOTALLY CONFUSED


Heidi 6 years ago

I was online trying to obtain information on affairs.

I had the worse kind of affair on my husband, I cant tell you the pain I caused. I couldnt hurt more with guilt.

There is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for the horrible thing I did.

I truly dont believe once a cheater always a cheater! When I had to look into my husbands eyes and tell him, what an awful thing I had done, it broke my heart! I would NEVER EVER want to hurt him like that again!!


Custom Draper 6 years ago

Heidi,

It's good to see you coming in with a perspective "from the other side". I'm glad you recognize the unimaginable pain you have caused your husband, although you'll never really know how bad it is without experiencing it yourself. And it's also good to hear you say that you would NEVER EVER do this to him again. It's a selfish act and that's a kind word for it.

My husband of 16 years had an affair of the #3 type. D-day was August 6, 2008. Our lives since then have changed dramatically and I've had a level of pain and anguish I never thought possible. My husband was forced to leave a career position to get away from her (she was his secretary), because I told him I'd divorce him if he didn't. He wanted to save his family, recognized the horrendous mistake he had made, and we uprooted a family of 4 and moved 400 miles away for his new job. We also lost six figures (a college education) in having to dump our beautiful home in the worst real estate market in history.

For everyone who says, "DON'T STAY", it's a lot more complicated than that when you have 2 small children and have built a life as one. While I will never view my relationship the same again, I can honestly say that my husband has done everything possible to show his remorse and taken every action to repent. He seems to love and appreciate me more now than ever, but I will never forget.

For anyone reading this who is a Betrayer, or has thoughts of becoming one, know that your actions will change YOU and those around you for the rest of your life, particularly if you have children. If you have a shred of decency, know that you'll never look at yourself the same again. Lust fades but the guilt will remain...forever.

Signed,

In Recovery

While my husband has done everything possible to show me that he made the biggest mai


playergotplayed 6 years ago

hey everybody hope i can get some feedback on my situation. here goes...i met my now wife when we both were 15(30 now).i was raised on the streets lived the fast life i was making money n had alot of girls

(4 sex only) didnt really care bout having a girlfriend..until i met HER.she had one of her friends get my number cuz she wuz kinda of shy (i liked dat).we spoke few times on da phone n she i guess lost interest.i went on bout life .trying to get with her everytime i seen her around never got no where.i ended up hooking up with an older girl(i was 16 -17 she was bout 20-21) dat was head over heels about me.i also had a crush on her in the past.i went out wit her for bout 2 yrs.it was good we had alot n common n got along great.then HER came around n asked a buddy about me.he told me about it n i got excited n looking forward n2 runnin n2 HER again.at this time me n my girlfriend had got n2 a fight something over her family not wanting her 2 b wit me we were broken up 4 like 2 weeks.n e way i ended up running n2 HER again we hooked up n it was official i got the girl i always wanted.my ex came bak after the 2 wks. n wanted 2 work it out.i said no n gave every reason on y except that HER was the reason.so me n HER were together going good like almost every new relationship.n then i heard one of HER little cousins tell me they seen HER kiss another guy.i asked ,she denied .we were together bout 1yr.n i came across her diary.she was not around so i read it..i read everythingthat was going on n her life b4 me n after.i even read that when she first met me she thought i was corney.lol.i also read that that kiss i heard about was true n that when i was inthe hospital she was on the phone with a guy she told me she use to date.when i read that i went back to my old mentality n said to myself after all this time she didnt want 2 give me the time of day n now she playing me.i'mma play that game too.i ended moving out n i was seeing alot of females over 15 to 20.HER ends up getting pregnant.then everything went crazy from there.Her finds out from rumors that i was messing around,she confronted one of the girls n the girl told her all this crazy shit like that we are in loveand sum crazy stuff.it wasnt like that i just slept wit her she was a virgin n wanted me 2 b her first i went 4 n got caught .HER found out n broke up with me .i was crushed n felt like shit seeing HER hurt like that.HER ended up breaking up with me.i did my best 2 win her back it wasnt easy but i did.althought i said to myself HER is gonna always throw this in my face or she is gonna hav revenge.and sure enuff it was both.she costanly threw it my face n she got involved wit a guy 4 bout 9mths and caught feelings.(i never felt no pain like that ever.) when i found out i forgave her (cuz of my past)but she couldnt decide who she wanted 2 b with....she chose to stay wit me.we did ok other than me throwing shit n her face.eventually i let my guard down n she started 2 c other guys i found out bout 4 guys ,2 i had proof 2 i didnt.i forgave her again.(again i forgave her based on all i had been doing when i started cheating).we worked it out she got pregnant again we had a fight she left to live wit her mom.she had the baby we started talking again i moved in wit her.it was 07.i guess things were fine until 08 .she really started acting a fool .one time she came 7 n da morning.gave me bs excuse.then to top it off i was experiencing a break out didnt kno what to think. one day i came home n she told me she got checked and got herpes so i figured dats what was bothering me.unbelievably i tried to stay .but she was acting funny i told her i couldnt take it and moved out on my own.i lived alone 4 8mths. it was stressful i didnt know what to do with myself.i dated, didnt work .i had girls that wanted a relationship n i refused..i ended up trying to b with HER again.and we did got back together.she confessed to everything and expressed her sorrow.i tried to forgive her n move on. as crazy at it sounds we ended up getting married n aug "09".every thing has been fine since.but i cantstop thinking bout all she did.but all in all i i had cheated on her with alot more people thaAN SHE did me.but i had stop doing that like "00"she kept doing all along. i kno i must be crazy. i think my kids kept me around so long n that fact that i look at all my faults...please give me advice everybody that reads this please help me. i plann on letting her read it.at the end of the day i did more wrong than her in a little bit of time n da past n she did it over a period of time.i just cant stop thinking bout it im losing lots of sleep n apetite to this day.thank you i dont want to be a player no more!!!!!!!


sarah_21 6 years ago

Hi guys,

I've been reading this hub for a few weeks now... actually... more like a couple of months. I know there's a lot to read through but if anyone could give me some encouragement or advice, I'd really appreciate it. There's a lot to be said from anonymous advice.

Here's my situation:

I am a college student, I started dating one of my best friends last year. It took us about a month or so of hooking up to finally decide we were ready to commit. We were afraid to ruin the friendship, etc. This was October, 08... I then studied abroad and was out of the country from January-June, he visited me once and we did the long-distance thing pretty successfully, with a few problems here and there, but nothing serious. One problem, I will put out there... he "tried to kiss his ex" while he was drunk at a party. He felt awful, we talked about it, I dismissed it. I had my moments of 'almost-cheating', he had his. We discussed, cried, forgave, really didn't affect us much....

Then I came back... things were still kind of distanced since I was staying with my parents instead of near school (4 hours away). I visited him for a week here, a week there, things were ok but getting tense. Then, 2 days after I left during a particularly enjoyable weekend visit, he tried to sleep with his ex-girlfriend. He told me they "kind of hooked up" and that we should spend time apart, he wasn't ready for the seriousness of us, blah blah blah. She later send me a long message online with the details of what happened because she felt it was unfair for me not to know. Turns out he was actively trying to sleep with her and she kept saying no.

Three days later he realized he "made a huge mistake" blah blah and drives down to my parents house in the middle of the night to talk to me. We stay up all night talking, see the sunrise over the ocean, and decide to take it slow and see what happens when school started. Needless to say, we started talking everyday again and were pretty much back together come August.... but I was not happy. I felt the trust was destroyed and things were not the same. The semester trudged on and we were both kind of depressed (as we've always been) and he was being particularly passive aggressive and mean to the point where I was concerned he was bipolar or suicidal, or both. Things were a roller coaster all semester, and then of course one evening we have a great time. He was comforting my stress over an overdue paper, we lay in each others arms with future plans and goals. Then... he went to a party, got drunk, and slept with his ex. He told me 3 days later, I slapped him, screamed about how unhappy I was, and told him to get out. Two weeks go by, he catches me after class and tells me how sorry he is, how he wants to be there for me someday and knows how much it hurt, blah blah.. He's crying with remorse, not asking for me back but wanting to tell me that he still cares. The next day I have him bring back my things, he cries more. I ask him if he's continued to sleep with her, he said one more time after the break up but he felt like trash and disgusted. [I believe all these things because he was my best friend before we started dating, and he says them with such sincerity]

Anyway, we've done the whole crying, talking about it thing. I've done the "you dont' deserve me" thing, etc. We had a week where we were acting like things were going to work, but then I freaked out and told him I wasnt' ready to forgive and was still hurting. Now we're seeing each other every few days, hurting almost constantly, and in this awkward middle ground.

I think a lot about Dave's experience and how things are working now.... the thing is, I don't know where the line is between maturely forgiving and giving someone who you love a second (or third) chance, and where that starts to affect you and you sacrifice your standards, your pride, and your very self. Its not that I can't live without him, I just feel drawn to him. I know I need to make a choice and follow through with it, but I'm not sure if he's worth the effort of trying so hard to forgive. But on the other hand, he is one of my best friends and I was so confident that we were meant to be, as ridiculous as that sounds. I had never felt so strongly about anyone, I had no doubts until that summer.

So am I foolish or a hopeless romantic?

Any advice on forgiveness?

How much "time and space" can I give us before we need to make this decision?

Thanks guys.


W R Haven 6 years ago

A person should not be judged harshly if they choose to stay with a cheater. Just as this hub discusses, there are different types of cheating.Each situaion has to be viewed individually. However, if the person cheats a second time, there are no second chances.


sarah_21 6 years ago

heidi,

did he forgive you? how are things now? i'm finding forgiveness almost impossible. its ripping me apart.


totally lost. 6 years ago

I have been readin these articals tryi to find a soultion to my problem.

My problem is my wife cheated and this is the second time i will be forgivin her for this hurtfull act of apparently "1" but i am convinceded there was some of 3 involved but she will never admitt it. I caught her twice...so she never had a chance to come clean and tell me how bad she had been. Both times i threw her out and she told me how much of an asshole she thought i was and that her family thought i was a looser etc(partly because i told them what she did...because i wanted them to know why i threw her out, so wouldn't come off bad'kid involved').......So she went..no contact..ie talkin for a month both times..now she misses me and she wants to try to make this work....but says she can't even remember/think about what she did.....How can i accept that???

I cannot think of anything else...

I want some grand guesture to prove that she wants us....i used up my last card by given her an ultimatum about come back and work it out or don't....she told me we need more time......SHE WAS THE ONE THAT CHEATED!!!!! i say how long it be's. not her....

I know we have alot of issues of why she cheated and if she did what i did i would have cheated too...so i am will to get past it.....

But how can i get past this if she won't full committ to me now...when i am the oe that is ment to be healin.....

I am doin so much emotional damage to myself these last few weeks that i feel myself not bein the person i have been these last 31yrs....

I feel she has destroyed me...but i love her so much i can't stand to be without her, but when she betrays me i feel smaller each time....My daughter is gonna see me as a weaker person than i was b4 i met and was broke by her mum....

I want her back, but everything and everybody i know tells me "don't be stupid"..Ur gonna get gonna get beyond repair here.....

Pls help....


Falling Star 6 years ago

Dear totally lost.

I am in a very similar situation as you and I am 'stuck' trying to consider salvaging this mess she has made of our home via repeated (over a period of years) cheating situations or giving her yet ANOTHER cursed chance.

I can't stand being without my wife, either. I keep going from one extreme to the other, though. Leave her or stay with her. The last three days I have moved closer to a medium area where I am finding I can think this issue through. Writing this to you here is helping me clear my mind.

For guys like you and I, we stopped somewhere on the arch of the rainbow and settled, but I KNOW there is a pot of gold (wonderful woman) at the end of the rainbow if we can just get over this hump, which we can!

Your pain and my pain will not end here IF we keep letting this happen to us. It is TIME to stop putting up with it and get on the road to recovery before we grow to old to attract anyone anymore. Yes, it will hurt some more, but it is going to hurt either way you go with this. One route ends with repeated offenses that put us right back where we are now and the other ends with us having the world open to us.

Cheating and Lying are CHOICES and our chosen mates keep choosing to cheat and lie to us!

You did NOT force her to choose to cheat and lie to you! Beauty can be used as a weapon and its what is being used on us. We have very attractive spouses that use their alluring appearances, wit and charm to lure and control us. If you can attract that bad one, you can attract one that will love you for your tenderness, caring, forgiving and loving ways. As it is right now, you and I are committed to an ILLUSION that will never pan out any gold. If your like me, you are a trophy husband that has been captured and controlled for far to long.

This afternoon that my wife and I will be having our final discussion on the matter. I just dread the painful move I am about to make, but this has to end. Once can be forgiven, but this woman has, for YEARS, been able to look me in the eye and lie to me. The worst is this love letter sitting on my desk. She wrote it just a couple of hours AFTER screwing around with her recent man toy. What a farce. And to think she has me convinced she doesn't get off on my pain.

Somewhere out there are women who can Love back the way they are Loved and I intend to find one.


Tina Siou 6 years ago

This really hit home with me, you are right on sister! I am living with my boyfriend who had 'cheated' on me while we were dating (and engaged) for 3 1/2 years. He broke the affair off with the other woman 9 months before he finally revealed the truth to me. Although it is quite complicated, I am convinced that perhaps he does not know how to truly love a woman in the deepest sense because I know he is scarred from an emotionally traumatic chilhood. Obviously I care about him enough to make an earnest attempt at weathering this storm. The hardest part is forgiving -- as I will NEVER get to forgetting -- but time will only tell what the future has in store. I know that nobody is perfect, but my question is: IF YOU DON'T LOVE THEM ENOUGH NOT TO CHEAT, DO YOU EXPECT THEM TO LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO FORGIVE YOU? What is fair? Plain and simple words of wisdom: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you(as stated by our creator himself). Ladies, read "The Script" by Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer -- it is right on the money -- people only do 'dishonest' deeds as long as they get away with it. Confrontation is the key to solving all problems! Amen.


wellrespected 6 years ago

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. For the duration of the relationship I have been very suspicious of his behavior and feels like their has always been someone else. Each and every time I ask him he always tells me no he only deals with one female at a time. That he loves me very much and would never cheat on me. Recently I found a female hair in his trashcan and he told me it belong to his sister-in-law. At that point he knew I didn't believe him so he decided to take me away for the weekend and I just let it go. Right before New Year's a young lady rung my doorbell and ask for him. She ask him what he was doing at my house and he started calling her b.....s, and stinking a.. telling her that I was his girl. At first he tried to say he didn't know her and she showed me text messages that he was sending her and that proved everything. I asked her did she follow him here and she told me that she lived three doors down so he finally confess and said they had been messing around for three years on and off but she meant nothing to him. I am the one he's claiming and love. That night he left and went home because he was so mad that she rung my doorbell and confronted him. I ask her why did she rang my bell and she said because she saw his car there and was not going to be disrespected she needed to know what was going on for herself. For two weeks he was texting me telling me that he was sorry and love me and would do everything he could to make a mends. I took him back it has been almost a month he has been staying at my house everynight through the week because I have a 8 year old daughter and we stay at his house on the weekend. For the whole time we have been together we have never spent this many nights together and I run over to his house on the weekend making sure nobody is coming over there. Btw it was also another female but she never reveal herself I just saw the car. He says all of this is over. Someone please give me some advice on this. I love this man so much. I don't understand why all of a sudden he is staying with me everynight and giving me an open invitation to be at his house every weeekend...........please help me and tell me what I need to do.


Regretful 6 years ago

Wellrespected--

I say move on. This is coming from experience. Four years ago I caught my husband having an online affair with a previous girlfriend. I stayed and worked it out, but the reality is....you never really can work it out. Those feelings of betrayal never go away. Its been a long time and I am still suspicious and can not trust my husband. I am starting to ask myself everyday now..."Why did I stay?" So...for you...I say move one now and dont put yourself though that misery. Good luk.


wellrespected 6 years ago

Thank you so much regretful. I really want to make sure moving on is the right thing to do. As of right now I don't know if his actions are sincere or if this is just a game he's playing wanting to be with me every night through the week and staying at his house on the weekend. I'm petrified that this want last long and he will return to his past behaviors.

Veronica I would really like to have your input on this. It will be gladly appreciated.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Wellrespected,

For 3 years he was messing around with her, and he told you he only deals with one woman at a time? You should move on, forget this guy. Absolutely.


Nobo205 6 years ago

Hi Guys

Just fond this online fantastic forum

I have been with my wife for 14 years, last May I found very flirty texts between her and another guy who happened to be her ex before we met, she said it was nothing, how could I could accuse her of an affair.

I was always wondering and on edge, my gut feel always said something was up.

In November last year she left her hotmail account open I then saw between May and June of that year they were making sex videos and photos for each other, I was angry discussed this with her, she apologised but said she didn't think it was a big deal as it wasn't physical.

She said she would stop, at the start of this year, I caught her again on Webcam with another guy and also MSN chat with sexual comments on how they want each other. She said again this is just fun, she wants, loves me, respects me.

She continues to chat with these people online and by Text one guy on average gets 700 texts a month from her at least, just jokes she tells me.

I feel a total idiot, why won't she stop and realise what she is doing is wrong, we have 3 kids, I've a good job, nice house, nice cars.

What should I do.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Nobo205,

People are different, and what constitutes cheating to some does not to others. The point of this article was to reaffirm that you and your partner have to come to an agreement together on what's ok and what isn't. Clearly she does not give a shit what you think or feel. Clearly, all that matters to her is getting her rocks off as she has decided in her mind is acceptable, regardless of what her partner thinks. Emotional or online affairs are affairs, especially when it is not ok with you. Her secretiveness is a major clue that she knows it is cheating. She said she would stop, which was a lie.

You're asking what you should do. She lies. She could not care less about your feelings or thoughts. She disrespects you. She is sexually active - even if not physically active - with other people against your wishes.

You need to end this. Set an example for your children. Have some self respect and throw her out.


gill 6 years ago

My husband has cheated on me throughout my marriage. For the last 10 years he has been seeing the same woman on and off.

I know because the other woman through guilt has informed me three times.

I have two children with him and a long history. But he continues to cheat. I have thrown him out 3 times but it does not scare him into fidelity.

I don't want to be on my own but his disrespect and unloving behaviour is killing me.


TEE 6 years ago

Well i am fairly young and in this situation, where i met this guy we were going out and enjoying each other company. After 4 months i got pregnant for him..

let me first say starting out he told me he didnt have any kids but 6 months after (before i found out i was pregnant) he finally told me he has 4 kids i was furious but i over look it cause i had strong feelings for this man. before forward i asked if him and his kids mom is still together he said no....

We moved in together after 7 months of dating and also because im carrying his child, any how his kids mom leave in a different city from me so i really didnt know what goes on when he said he was going to visit his kids.. he said when he goes to see them he would spend the night at his mom home because she live in the same city....

A month before my baby was born his baby mom called my phone arguing with me about sleeping with her baby daddy. I heard so many things not only he have 6 instead of 4 kids but how she got my number was he was asleep in her bed and she searched his phone. I found out they were still sleeping together he said it only happen 5 times.

After he came home worried the following morning, i asked about the other 2 kids and he only owned up to 1 child, the 2nd child he said was in question because him the wasnt in a relationship it was a sex thing (during this time he was cheating on the mother of his 4 kids with this girl who baby is in question).

secondly he told he only cheated on me with his kids mom because he was just showing some attention so he could see his kids cause she said "if he leave her he wont see his kids again". i really dont know what to say cause i have forgiven (i think) and realize when he call to talk to his kids she argue like crazy and wont let him see them.

this girl threaten me... talk all kind of smack about me lol. she even said my baby wont know his brothers cause she dont consider him to be their brother cause he aint from her p***y.

I stayed because i love him and upon till everything came out we were happy, we enjoyed each other, and i was told i am different than his baby mom which is true cause she is ghetto as hell no joke im serious.

now im reconsidering if i should stay or go because i constantly think about it, i think about her and him together. now im questioning everything, i thought he was a good man he treated me so good apart from him cheating on me. I stopped working when i was pregnant and he did everything from buying all our baby things to paying the rent, giving me money to do my hair and other things. Now im wondering if i was a fool..

i wanna go and i wanna stay and right now the reason why i havent left yet is because my baby is 3 months and i havent got back on my feet and i still have love for him, i dont love him like before.

he have told me he is sorry many times, he asked for us to get counselling, this as put a distance between us because i keep bringing it up and picking fight with him.

im so confused its been 4 months since i found out and i still cant stop crying.


vee 6 years ago

I have been married for 12 yrs and my husband just confessed to cheating since the begining of our marriage. Numerous times , numerous people, and now wants forgiveness and says that he has changed, i am having a hard time dealing with it all and understanding it. I do love him and had a gut feeling it was going on the whole time. So i just need input, any please


Jill 6 years ago

Amen, sister! I just got out of an affair in which my married man confessed the affair to his wife, told her he was in love with me, then filed divorce papers and moved out to be with me. About 3 months later, I asked him to move out, as he wasn't who I thought he was, and I realized he wasn't what I wanted. He went back to his wife, of course, I'm sure telling her what a mistake he made, but in reality, he had no where else to go! Still, I find it amazing his wife would take him back after all he did to her. Totally agree with the article - husbands who cheat do not love their wives, and have no respect for them. I can tell you the whole duration of our affair, he had no remorse or guilt for being with me. NONE. All he was focused on was finding ways to be with me, and hide it from her. Luckily I woke up and realized this wasn't a man I wanted long-term, but I can't begin to imagine how wretched their marriage must be now. His friends tell me she has him on total lock-down, and that she bitches at him constantly about the affair, and they don't have sex. It has to be purely exhausting for her to live in fear of him cheating and walking out again. They also have twins, and I can imagine those kids are pretty messed up from this as well, as it's true that staying for the kids is a crap reason, and only teaches kids bad lessons. Like the article said, if she had a shred of self-esteem, she would never have taken him back. Women like this get what they deserve, in my opinion, as you know it's just a matter of time before he cheats on her again. By taking a cheater back, the wife shows the husband that she will accept and tolerate anything he does. All he has to do is apologize and be good for a few months, and then he'll be back to his old tricks. Oh, and this married man also had another affair with someone else that ended before me. His wife knew about it, and I guess, chose to not believe it was happening. lol. The article was right on. I think women that take back cheaters need to rationalize it with all these excuses and reasons, but that's to cover the fact that they are weak and pathetic.


Wounded 6 years ago

I have been married for a year together for 6 years and just found flirting text messages to one girl and sexually explicit texts to another. This has happened once before and I forgave him. He says that he is sorry and it is completely his fault and he wants to work it out, but I don't think I can trust him again. Part of me wants to try with no guarantees and another part wants to leave. I can't stay here and wait until it happens again. But I'm afraid of giving up too soon. Am I over reacting about these text messages?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Wounded,

Flirty text messages may not be a big deal. Leaving may be an over reaction for some people. But you aren't over reacting - there is the fact that this is the second time. In the parameters of your relationship, this texty thing occurred, you apparently had it out and you said you "forgave him" which implies he accepted that this was wrong to do in your relationship. He knew this was something that broke an agreement you had as a couple, you forgave him for it once, and he didn't care about that. He did it again. That's very significant. It could be the shadow of things to come. If your agreement together and your feelings didn't matter on this, what else does he disregard?

At the very least, this is a big deal. Have a serious sit down with him. Let him know you've actually considering leaving over this. Re-examine the parameters you've set as a couple together on what is acceptable and what isn't. Discuss how it feels when he disregards your feelings and breaks a promise like this. If he snuck and did this, what else has he secretly done and lied about? If you decide the trust is gone, it will be a long road to rebuild it. Good luck.


nobo205 6 years ago

Hi Veronica

5 weeks since my last post, had it out with my wife, seperated for a few days that coincided with a business trip that gave us some space.

Were still living together and she is making a big effort to make things better, I'm still undecided if I want this marriage to work due to the lies and deceit that was given not just to me but our marriage, being truthful I'm probably trying to make it work for the kids but as a person I'm more anxious and argumentitive traits which I didn't have in the past and hope to loose going forward.

She apoliges for her behavior and hurting me but she still continues to text and email the other guys true enough this is just normal chit chat nothing else, she still denies she met one which I still don't accept and can only take her word for it even though in msn chat it states they did. With worries me now and have discussed this with her is her statement that I need to trust her with theses texts and emails to other guys, my next stage is the other guys or me.

I know it sounds like a childish statement but what stance can i take, what does the forum think????


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Nobo,,

I hope this is really you, since this comment came from a different IP address than the first comment.

Most normal healthy trustworthy people can enter into a partnership with a set of agreed-upon boundaries as to what constitutes behaviors that are unacceptable to their partner. What makes one person uncomfortable may be fine for a different person.

In your case, your wife is untrustworthy. She snuck around and did things she knew were not ok with you. She lied, she hid things, she proved she isn't a partner. She apologized but did it again. Now you're saying she's making a big effort but she's still texting and emailing these guys? Really? It's painfully obvious she is not making any effort at all. She wants to engage in this behavior that is ending her marriage, and she wants that much much more than she wants you, or she would make a real effort and stop it.

I have no idea why you would hesitate to give that ultimatum, but more importantly i have no idea why you would even entertain trying to make it work with someone who so clearly and blatantly has no respect for you. Staying together for the kids is really lame. Like you said, your personality will change and not in a good way. And all you're teaching your kids is that if your partner lies and shits on you, that's fine, just stick it out. You aren't setting any kind of role model example for them.


Nobo 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Following on from the last post, this is hard, my next stage is saying that if you want to keep intouch with these guys well and good, but don't expect our marriage to survive and if your a chosing them over my feelings and hurt its over.

In her mind now she is intouch just sending jokes and general chit chat back and forward, she feels this is OK and I need to learn to trust her.

Am In the wrong, I don't think so, am I wrong to ask her to choose my feelings over theirs, I don't think so either, it does break me for the sake of our kids and future, has anyone in the forum had the same problems\issues ????


Jen 6 years ago

Wow, I did not read all of the post's left but, I like seeing that people think differently about the subject. Some think it is pathetic to still think a person could be true. Some think it is very possible and sees why it is hard not to want to trust that person again. I guess I like that there are differences because it gives me some hope for humanity, and love. That some shit just is unforgivable, and some is really on the fence. It depend's on the person and their character too. The one post that stood out as I scrolled through, was about how we are fucking asshole's if we seriously think a person will not do it again, and that they love us if they are lying or cheating.

I guess I'm a fucking asshole. What's funny? I feel like one too for believing. I feel like one for being one.

I want to believe so bad that the person whom I trusted could not do this. We're still together, and I still torture myself, and him with-"what next", "Why?". I am so tired of even caring, and wonder why I allow it.

What if he is telling me the truth? What if he really truly mean's what he has professed, and swears? I agree that if you would not have the conversation or commit the act infront of that person then that is cheating. I am writing this immediately after saying the "what if's"...

Am I as pathetic as I feel for believing that this person still loved me as he was doing these thing's? That the temptaion is no longer there? I have no answer's as to why it happened in the first place so why should I believe that it would not change?

I read something written from Dr. Phill talking about whether or not you want to remain a victim or torment this person forever. Are you able to be vulnurable with this person? And what you wrote about The fact that instead of choosing another way to deal, the choice was cheating??? I am constantly ridiculously trying to understand my own personal action's amongst this hurt.

I think I can not get over this because I do not have answer's, and I am pissed that I was there. I was right there the whole time, and when I found thing's I argued, but stayed. I am the coward? I am shattered beyond disbelief, and we fight about it everday. I am mad because I am pissed that I am hurt, and I can not seem to get out of the box with this. I love this person, but love disipate's as anger, and pain get stronger, as it is unresolved. So, in retrospect... I feel like a fucking asshole for believing that it will never happen again.

In all honesty- I do feel that if it is not going to happen again now- or in the near future, that at some point- 1 year, 2- 10, I will be blindsighted with it again.

Everyday, the tear's of "I didn't look at that girl!" scream out. Everyday, my heart sink's with the thought's of he did, I saw him, will he, is he, maybe he isn't, and is he telling the truth, and I am just the seriously fucked up one who can't seem to get over it. Now everything is part of jealousy. Everything is up in the air between the both of us.


NOBO 6 years ago

Jen

Further to your post, you have summed up how I feel.

Your right, us getting told sorry isn't enough we have been emotionally betrayed.

I'm the same everyday my partner is online, her phone beeps, she says she is meeting a girl friend for coffee you wonder who is it another guy, guy from before.

Why are we still here they have apologised, said it would never happen again, Ive been told I need to trust her again.

We are not machines, we take time, I know 3 months on, I still don't trust her, still can't believe she would cheat on not just me but our marriage and kids.

I can never forgive her for making feel bad, like an asshole, depressed, I'm told now she is the victim because of me, as I can't forget or forgive.

Her telling me that she still wants to text these guys as friends for general chit chat is unbelievable in my eyes due to the hurt they have all caused.

For me its time to take each day as it comes, knowing at any time it could be the last for us.


Jen 6 years ago

I'm sorry... Call me biased... But, Jill? You need a reality check of your own. You are going to write that women who take the men back are pathetic and weak?

Yay! What a "strong" person you are! What a trouper! You made the poor idiot tell his wife just so you could kick him out, because somehow you decided he was not the right man for you? Not the right long term kinda' person for you? HAHAHAHAHA! ummm... contradictions speak loud to me after reading what you wrote.

What? Is your choice a "married" man, because you fail to have any strength whatsoever? Maybe because the "single" men steer clear from you? The desperation from a man who hides everything and always has to hide you, smells desperation all over you.? Your an "easy" target.?

Because you don't care about those twin's... Why should you- they are not your's. Yes, granted this person may be as pathetic as I am willing to admit being in my own relationship, but, you'd better start admitting your own pathetic way's Jill. It will catch up to you, and can on many different level's. yeah, what a messed up family they must be... blablablabla... Must be nice to be blissful in your ignorance...

Sorry about that NOBO- umm, I think after all of this, all of these words that I have dropped and read, in this HUB has made me see one thing for sure... To each his/her own...

You need to lay down the law or she will keep doing it. You need to say NO! You know what you want for a relationship, and you know what is right and what is wrong. If her right's and wrong's are different than your's and you both can not find some common ground- you know; i.e. no chatting to other freaking men/women, no cheating, no having secret's... etc... Then why try? I know it is hard. I know you want to believe. But, if my guy said those thing's were okay, and that they were no big deal, then I would not even bother being with him any longer. I mean of course, you try, you request, you talk, you argue about it, but, in the long run is she not understanding that if you did that to her that she would be hurt as well? I am at the point where when, as he put's it, "I believe" something occur's, I say.. sorry, just trying to remember to forget. You are right we are not machines. How long is long though? I ask myself this everyday. How long can I think this way, how long can I hold it over his head before I break from breaking him. I love this person, I hate to know that we are both tortured by the fact that he messed up, and I chose what I chose- to be with him. He never slept with another, he spoke to other's online, he put himself on a dating site, because he thought I would not forgive him for looking at porn. At the time, we had only been together for 6 mos. I also was wanting freedom, and shunned him many time's when he wanted to be (go out) with me. But, this does not excuse him from making that choice after thing's were okay. It's straight up bullshit. No doubt about it. But, if he was not trying, and if we did not still share passion, and if we did not both lay down the law amongst eachother, then I can say it would have been much easier to leave. I would have seen no point.

There are many reason's why we stay after the lies. What is your reason? Is it a good one? You know? I mean seriously it hurt's to be betrayed. But, we are not the only one's out there. I mean I bet that girl Jill up there is betrayed all of the time and has no idea. It is not so easy to shrug off when you have a heart, when you've invested time and thought into this person, when you have endured loving them through horrible time's not just about lying and cheating, when you've shared kid's, a whole freaking life.... yes, it is hard. What can each one of us handle individually?

Sometime's it is right there infront of you and you do not see it. Bad or good... grab it, do what you need to do to survive without hurting another.

I am not the only one in this relationship who is jealous. I did not care to or want to, but, I put myself on a stupid dating site, and sent him my confirmation email. Needless to say, he did not like this. I told him that he could either take it all back miraculously, not be with me, or the falsly threatened, why don't we have an "open" relationship then? Well, he could not obviously take it all back, and he did not want a choice of an open relationship either. Not sure what I would have done if he answered yes to that last one. Possibly think about the deliverance of pain, or actually inflict it...

Not that I suggest any of this because as I have maintained-to each his own. He had to and still has to with my unforgiveness- make a choice too. Can he live without me? Can he be a trusting person?

The one thing I feel should not be taken day to day is her want for conversation's with these guy's. Nope. uhuh. HELL NO!!! Guess you can do it too???. If it does not matter to her then she does not have your best interest at heart (obviously).

You are not an asshole for still not forgiving her. Maybe you are to her because of it- which is very possible but- it takes time. If she has not stopped the "wants" then- when does the repairing begin? No matter what she say's listen to your heart. It has to be right for the both of you. If it were turned she would hate it. She would! Anybody would.

We, actually he is mostly reading books about how to trust after this, how to let go of hate, how to forgive and let go, how to see what she is doing to you, and your family. I never thought the book's I'd be reading would be about any of this. Be prepared to feel like a victim as you begin to read. I was so mad and thought it was stupid because I did not want to face reality, I still have an issue with it. I still can not bring myself to read certain books. As if my anger stemmed from the fact that I am so pissed that this is such a huge issue that books are being written by the second about the damn subject! It is heart wrenching to know I am a part of it. That the thing's I read and that he has read are exact in nature as to what we are doing about it, and how we are acting within it. What I don't want to get to, because of my unforgiveness, is the know how to remedy our argument's and try to move on from this prison. I am reluctant because of my anger, and sadness. Thus, continuing the spiral of hate and getting nowhere but where I have been. Leaving me with the everlasting feeling of despairity, and being victimized... sick.


Jen 6 years ago

Veronica,

I just wanted to let you know that your word's have not left my head. Especially when you wrote...(It is important to make sure you and your partner agree as to what constitutes unacceptable behavior. What anyone else thinks should have no baring on what you and your partner agree to together. But it is vital that you and your spouse are on the same page where this is concerned.)

What's funny is this should be so obvious to all of us.

I do not think this happen's too often. I do not think each of us understand that it is possible to be that way with one another.

Thanks for the word's of realism

Jen


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Jen,

Thanks for that. It's so important to me to know what things I've put out there work, and how they affect everyone.

Agreeing on what constitutes cheating for you is only one example of all the things you and your partner need to agree on how to handle. I wrote another Hub about negotiating, compromising, accommodating, and agreeing as a partner needs to.

http://hubpages.com/relationships/The-Partnership-...


Jen 6 years ago

Thanks Veronica, I will check that out.

Indeed, there should be more to all of us than the cheating, and lying aspect. And this next HUB sound's exactly like what I was dealing with this morning.

I think that there are so many thing's out there that one could read but, it is what catches a person's eye, or what relates, or what speak's to that person, and your's did just that for me, and apparently other's. I also think that when this happen's it is just looking out of the box- if you can make me read it then.... Thanks.. I've just stepped out of the box a little.

Jen


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Jen,

May I just say, your written word is very eloquent. You obviously have a knack. If you haven't already, as one writer to another I'd like to encourage you to join Hubpages, or write a blog.

I'd like to read you.

xoxo

Veronica


Sharon 6 years ago

I hate to say this but I am or was a cheaters partner. I went into the relationship with open expectations. It started by a finding him on one of those sites you can coorespond with each other. A boyfriend from eons ago, his picture posted was him on a boat, no wedding ring either. I asked repeatedly if he was married and had children. After three days he finally said I was persistant and admitted he was lonely and the kids didn't respect him. The typical sad story. I was still getting over the recent loss of my mom that I was closely attached to and he supported me as a terrific friend. Three months later I asked my dad to leave my home to go back to the sad lonely home he kept after my mom passed. I said I needed my own life back (to which I will regret for the end of my life doing) . My dad filled that part of my moms passing and he passed soon after that from a massive stroke. Again, this guy got me through my second worst moment. We interacted and I went with him on a business trip for three weeks. While we were away, he showed anger issues, he held his fists up to me then in the next few days he punched my arm in anger and denied it. The final night he got out of bed and said he loved me so much, he would do anything for me. Don't know why I said (come back to me). With that he jumped up and threw a fit, he came to the bed and put his hands around my throat and began to head butt me and then choke me. His face was blank and there was no negotiation at the onset. This once close friendship, turned into an addictive intimate one turned violent.

I know I must sound stupid and volatile. He had such loving words of how much better I was than his wife and he was truly considering a divorce. She too would call the room he was at with her typical anger and requested a divorce.

I got so fed up with him harming me..I called his wife to ask her if she got hit as well. She did not. They are both meant for each other in their odd ways. I choose to end it because I wanted more and then actually realized there was something not right with him. But, I feel he will always cheat with anyone, he cannot be happy with one individual and I feel that is a character flaw. I was not an angel..but I deserve better myself...

I enjoyed the article and if his wife was smart she should find someone honest and sincere as well


Sharon 6 years ago

I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on my thoughts...

If your spouse had an affair and the partner called you to inform you of the affair. I understand how shocking the news is. If you confront your spouse with the information and they lie to you saying it did not happen and yet the evidence was clearly there that it did happen. Would this impact things even further ?? to me it is a double lie whether your spouse was hoping not to harm you further by denying it.

I'm thinking about all that occured during the three weeks I went away with this guy. At one point he told me he just wished that she would die in a car accident so he wouldn't have to deal with it. Then he told me he wanted me dead as well. Then he tells his friend on the way home from the trip that he can't wait to go out drinking because he needs to get out of the house (even before he got home). To be honest, I am glad I did the three weeks with him and got to see how he really is. He really portrayed his wife as a pain and it is a horrible marriage. I heard this for months but to hear him talk to his friends on the phone about her and sometimes laughing and mocking her made me think the relationship was really at the end.

Well, now that I spilled the beans to the wife, he seems to have done a whole turn around. I am out of the picture and he realized what a good wife he had and went begging to be let back in the house. It's total defense now... So, then why complain to everyone about her in the first place ??

I hope I shocked him into shaping up his act with her and maybe I shook her up too. It seems they have been colliding for many years and maybe this will set them straight or realize there is nothing left to work on... just pondering what I started.


Sue 6 years ago

Sharon,

Here's my first thought when I read what you've written and I am not saying this rudely but what goes on in their marriage isn't your business. That's my first thought. You sitting now and contemplating their relationship is a waste of your time and energy and will get you nowhere (but crazy). He's obviously not going to share the truth of anything with you and it doesn't even sound like he's planning on leaving his "horrible" wife. Secondly, I am wondering if this man complained repetitively about his wife to you and made such derogatory comments and then you spent three weeks with him and he abuses you, in the space of three weeks I am wondering why you even care where he is or what he is doing or what is going on with his wife???? Really? He's probably portraying you as a real pain and mocking you also to his friends and perhaps even his wife...why wouldn't he, he obviously lies. This man sounds like a horrible person. He doesn't sound like anyone you'd want to get into a close relationship with. Also, calling up your MM's spouse really isn't that cool of a thing to do. Did she do something wrong to you? Did she hurt you? Is calling her up a method to get rid of her so you can have her man or just to cause her pain? My thought when reading what you've wrote is to move on, move away, get on with your life, quit thinking about him/them...this situation sounds UNHEALTHY and slightly scary. Just some feedback. Run! Find an unmarried man to get into a relationship with so you don't have to worry about all that other stuff that doesn't really make for a healthy relationship.


Sharon 6 years ago

Sue..

I cannot possibly write all the details of being with this guy. It was so much more than an affair. We shared our thoughts, and dreams. We were quite close and the reason for staying with her was the kids. It is very sad to see someone so down and so depressed. I knew him many years before and we dated. So, I do know the workings of their marriage just by the conversations that we shared.

As for SCARY !!!! we met again after my mom passed away. I was distraught and very sad. He took that away, I was a mess and he picked me up. A few months after my dad passed away and he did the same thing. This time promising to watch over me to never let any harm come to me. You see, I have no family members any longer and I was quite close to both parents. So, the SCARY thing to me now is not having a family to watch out for my best interest. Shortly after my father passed and this guy made the promise. He started showing signs of anger. That is SCARY !!!!!! the person I trusted, the person I made my beneficiary was now turning into someone I did not know. You see there is quite a bit more to the story on our closeness.

I got fed up after the three weeks together, a slight torture for me to be honest. For your judging mind... there was no marriage left between them except co existing for the children. She has angry words for him, she is depressed and they have nothing in common except for a house over their head. That's a real great thing for kids to see as they grow up. Two battling parents....

I grew up like that myself and every day prayed they would part so I wouldn't be scared of flying pieces of dishes or burning cigarette butts starting a fire.

This guy let me down by his actions, we were so very close and he shared things with me even his wife did not know. I let him down also by calling her. By the way, it was not to hurt her..and to be honest if I was married, I would not want to stick my head in the sand and just let my husband screw around. I'd be very happy that someone informed me of an affair. Do you have any idea of what diseases are out there ?!?!?!?!?!? I suppose you would not want to know your husband was having an affair ..huh...just live your life in a box and be the good house wife...after all...it's important to you to have someone come home and exist in the house with you... right ?

I was fed up with the abuse and wanted to tell her of the affair and to know if she got attacked as well....

It's funny...... so many people think the mistress should be without feeling..to walk away as if nothing happened, to be cold stone as if she was only a paid whore without feelings. I do think him and I had love and a bonding and I hurt very much since I trusted him to be someone to look out for my best interest since there is no family left for me....but I did not expect an ATTACK.....now that is the SCARY part of the story........ also..do you think it healthy of him to wish her dead in a car accident, so that we could be together ??? and oh please...do you think I called her because I want her HUSBAND ??? I kind of betrayed him at that point..do you think he would come back to me after a betrayl like that anyway ??? so what the heck are you thinking ?


Sue 6 years ago

Sharon,

I wouldn't have asked why you would tell someone's wife if I knew the answer to be honest with you. I've always wondered what that does for the Other Woman because it sure doesn't do anything positive for the wife. I'll be honest with you, my husband's Other Woman walked in my front door, she didn't call. Then she started harassing me with calls and the such...which was all a bit crazy if you ask me. I always just assumed she figured if she got me out of the way then she had her man free and clear...trust me she did not let go right away. My husband and I separated--I initiated the separation, not him, then ended up reconciling a year later. Affairs are painful and messy and they do A LOT of damage. To me, my kids, his family, my family...it's not all healed to this day. So perhaps looking at it from my perspective is not a bad thing if you could. My thought on Married Men having affairs is that they are selfish and they are getting their cake and they eat it too. I don't point my finger in anger at anyone other than my husband because he's an adult and he made a really bad choice. A really hurtful choice. I just wouldn't advise anyone to have an affair since the damage can be so deep and it's lasting unfortunately. But you have to remember, whatever he told you about his marriage, a good deal of it was probably a lie or perhaps in his case, maybe not...but men who are sleeping with another woman, they still go home and sleep with their wives, share secrets and stories with them, play with their kids and lead a "normal" life with family and friends. I know this because mine did. They are lying to their wife, they are lying to the mistress...and most likely they are lying to themselves at some point. Your situation could be different but the fact that the man attacked you is very scary. Personally I'd want to forget everything about him for that one reason. You should read Veronica's other hub "Affairs with Married Men"...it's a good one...


NavyWife 6 years ago

I have been with my husband for six years, married close to four of those years. We married very young, and I became pregnant very early on. He left for boot camp and A school four months after we married. Recently(a month ago) he confessed to having an affair while in A school. I was pregnant, living with his mother at the time. I'm not sure how to feel about the three years he kept this a secret. He says he hid it because our marriage had been rocky, so he felt a confession would lead to me running for the hills. Things have been going great the last year and he felt more and more gulit the better things went. His says the affair started with flirting, and he was intrigued enough by her interest in him that he suggested a hotel room. When she agreed, he went and did the deed.

What makes this hard is that he made his confession mid-deployment, he has been gone since January and isn't due back for several months. I asked for us to seek counseling and he agreed, he calls almost everyday and emails all day.His efforts seem genuine, but I still can't stop feeling suspicious of EVERYTHING. Please let me know if this is normal. Sorry if this was all over the place, my head is all over the place at the moment.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

NavyWife,

This goes against what I would normally say to a cheated-upon wife, but I think your situation is different. His guilt, his efforts, his willingness to go to counseling, his constant communication, and his confessing for no reason other than needing to, all coming after what sounds like you guys leapt too far too fast into very serious life altering commitments that you weren't ready for, and all of this just before his boot camp? .... This all really makes me want to say give him a break. I know I know, I always say once a cheater, but I really have a feeling your situation is out of the box of normal.

You must always trust your heart. If you really believe in your heart you can't trust him, you should go with that. But I don't think you believe that. I think, like you're saying, you have feelings that are suspicious, and that is a different thing. If I were you I wouldn't give up on this before he gets back and you give counseling a real honest effort. Then see how you feel.

You haven't said in your comment whether or not you're in love with him still. Or ever. Did the cheating flush out your true feelings? Or did it change them? Your omission here is the only real flag I feel.

Alot of your "all over the place" head is from not being with him every day. If you love him, and if you want the marriage to work, see if you can just wait it out these next several months until he returns. That's my take on your outside-of-the-box situation. But if you know you're not in love with him and don't want this to work, you should follow your heart.


Chris98765 6 years ago

Thanks for this article and these responses. They've been thought provoking. I certainly identify with all of the sentiments expressed in the original post . . . and a lot, lot more.

Here's my situation. I'm a guy in my mid-30's, married for 8.5 years and together with her for 10 years. She's 11 years old than me and divorced once (her first husband had a serious drug addiction); this is my first marriage. We adopted a wonderful boy (at birth) 2.5 years ago.

We've had problems over the years, especially with my depression, which was subsequently correctly diagnosed with bi-polar disorder type 2, which has been the core problem behind my inconsistent career path. We are also both closed and independent people, and we're both working professionals with our own careers.

A year ago in May 2009, at a low point in our marriage (I'd been out of work for nine months; her mother had undergone serious surgery; her father has Alzheimer's and was finally moved into a home; my parents continued to be the disasters they are) she met a guy at a work conference. She was talking about how she'd met a new "friend". He texted her a lot, which was very noticeable because she wasn't much of a texter before.

Talk of him soon ended, but I still noticed texting going on. He lives out of state, but as it happened the following month she already had a business trip planned to his city. I voiced my concerns to her about this "not leading anywhere good", and she reassured me that nothing was going on and he just needed support.

Of course on this trip she ended up having sex with him in her hotel room. When she walked back in the door the following evening from her trip I just knew. I confirmed it by reading her Blackberry and seeing emails that left no doubt.

I told her right away that I could forgive her if she ended the affair and we threw ourselves into fixing our problems. I got us into counseling, but she was a lukewarm participant. I started working out and losing weight, as much to work off nervous energy and to be doing something as anything else. My bi-polar got diagnosed and (thank God!) ended up being very well managed on medication, which greatly leveled off my mood/energy fluctuations.

Meanwhile, however, she continued the affair for months and lied in order to do so, even during periods when we were supposedly trying again to make it work. We separated temporarily and I told her that I was doing this to work on us and that she should not use the separation to further her relationship with this guy- you know the result. She could never sustain the effort over this time to make a run at fixing us, and she continued to express affection for this guy and sustain her relationship with him.

When I filed for divorce four months after discovery, she reacted angrily which I found interesting. We tried again to make it work right at Thanksgiving, but she was feeling overwhelmed by the pressure and couldn't do it. I moved out, right before the Holidays which I still spent almost entirely with her. She supposedly was encouraged by the closeness during the Holidays, but still took the opportunity to go visit him one more time at New Years when I flew with my son to visit my family.

Since January ('til now, May) I've lived completely apart, only rarely doing joint activities with our son, and even more rarely meeting alone with her. I made it clear around mid-February that I had been reduced to zero, and that I just needed to start over. I told her that we could both date and we'd have a don't ask, don't tell policy on that. If we found our way back to each other through that, then fine.

She has supposedly since the New Year known that she wanted to work on us, but she's also used this new freedom to date to make several more trips to see her lover. That doesn't violate the rules, but I have asked her how she could continue to consort with someone who carried with him the stink of an affair that she was supposedly ashamed about. She offers no good answer.

I've gone on some dates but not met anyone special. I did meet a woman at a local business establishment who I've had "no strings attached" sex with (I had thought this was only the stuff of Penthouse Forums), but she truly means nothing to me other than the sex and doesn't confuse any of the issues for me about my long term future.

I've told her I want to complete the divorce, but that has led to a full court press from her to convince me to stay. She's professing guilt and regret for the pain she's caused, and says that she desperately wants to fix us and is "heartbroken" when I've told her I want to complete the divorce.

Even though this is clearly in the Affair #3 category, I continue to feel tremendous guilt about divorcing, especially for my son (though I'm NOT a stick-it-out-for-the-kids person if the relationship is fundamentally dysfunctional).

I'm not a person who has a large group of friends; I have a couple of very close friends (one of whom is out of state; the other of whom is going through his own marital problems; any my family also lives out of state), and acquaintances otherwise, and my wife has always been front and center in my universe. The process of slogging through dating again essentially alone is very daunting.

When I married her, I married for life. I've never cheated on her no matter how badly things have been - our sex life in recent years has not been great, for example. I've not been a great husband in terms of the energy I've put into the relationship, and my uncertain career path has only made things tougher. Whatever else I've done, though, I've never betrayed her or abused her, and her betrayal of me was therefore doubly shocking. She admitted to emotionally giving up on me and our marriage, which is also very jarring.

Things are going well for me, in no small part because of the medication, which helps me to sustain focus and effort in both my job and personal life (it's been a life saver in many ways). I've now got a good job, am now physically fit, and I'm a relatively attractive guy at a good age where I'm still young but also mature and therefore attractive to a lot of women. My dating prospects are pretty good.

My son's also at an age where the separation doesn't seem abnormal to him. He says cheerfully that "I have two homes!" Trying again to make us work and then failing again can only happen with him being more aware, and therefore being more damaged. I never wanted divorce for him, and my wife and I haven't been together for over a decade by accident - we have a lot going for us as partners.

I'm conflicted, and truly don't know whether I can forgive her - I certainly can't forget and I know the innocent, trusting love will forever be gone. The only questions for me are whether something better might grow out of this marital wasteland, and whether it's worth the time, risk and effort to cultivate that.

Being an adult really sucks sometimes. There just aren't any easy answers are there?

Thanks again.

Chris


Sue 6 years ago

Chris,

I understand completely what you say about the guilt with your son even though you do not believe in "sticking it out for the kids". I am still married after my husband had a long term on and off again affair with one woman that I know of. We are still married at this point but I'm not feeling very secure or happy at this point and have been contemplating the end of this marriage for a while. My kids love their dad so much and I know how much a divorce will hurt them but I also know how much hurt the affair has caused our family. One selfish decision can cause so much pain. You sound like you are really doing things for yourself and are happy with your life. The only question I think you should ask yourself is if you decide to "try" again, will you lose all that you have gained for yourself? I know that coming back to my husband after our separation I have lost some of the peace I had gained. Honestly when I was away from him I could really put the affair behind me and just keep on going. But that's just me, not necessarily anyone else. Good Luck and I agree that there are no easy answers and it sucks!!!!


Mayflowers 6 years ago

I have read all these posts and they are so honest. My husband has had three affairs(only recently found out about the first one), not sex, but full blown love affairs. The last one was 2 years ago and I stayed. You hit a point though that you look at yourself and say I have loved him unconditionally and proven that, but he on the other hand did not love me unconditionally. I compartmentalized the affairs as symptoms to a failing marriage...the 2nd affair says that their is no hope. If after marriage councelling that person cannot choose honesty and respect over lying and disrespecting than there is no hope. Children deserve to have parents that love them, and are good role models. Where there is anomosity in the air children can not fully breath. This does not do them a favour only an injustice.

Taking control of your life and respecting yourself enough to leave takes courage and stength. I have found that but it took me a long time. Here is to a future that holds love and respect for self and others.


Trent 6 years ago

Last year, my wife began several online “friendships” with a number of guys. She would spend all day and all night (at times until 2 or 3 am) chatting online. She would even non-stop chat with these losers when we would take family trips to the store, out to eat, and even at places like the zoo or the local water park. The whole time, of course, she denied all wrongdoing and claimed they were “friends” and made me feel like shit for even accusing her. Meanwhile, all she could do is whine about how “depressed” she was. She neglected me, our house, our kids….EVERYTHING !!! I became both the mom and dad of the house.

In August, she wanted to go off on a short vacation by herself to “find herself”. So, she used family money to supposedly go to the beach to be alone with her thoughts. You know the story from here…of course she ran off to screw some loser she met online. He had no car, no cell phone, and lived with mom and dad. Great choice. Also, was 10 years younger than her (he was 22).

She came back and admitted to me that he was “the one” for her. She plastered it all over her myspace page how great he was and they posted photos of them kissing for all of her family to see. She later left me and the kids again (she left out of state) to go move in and play house with this loser. A few weeks later, I get a call saying that she made a mistake. He didn’t want to get a real job. He was flirting online with lots of other women. (Gee…is that a surprise). So I fly out of town to get her and drive back home with her. She promised me that she would work on herself, but “couldn’t promise that this wouldn’t happen again”. I went along with it, feeling that maybe some of the “depression” was to blame for this.

Things were better for a few months. But now…she’s distant AGAIN. She whines that she’s trying to find herself AGAIN. She disappears with the computer AGAIN. She neglects her family AGAIN. She does nothing but find fault with me AGAIN. She looks for every excuse to argue AGAIN. I am at my end now and have finally accepted that I cannot fix her. Everyone is lost at some point in their life but NOT everyone uses that as a crutch to do what is wrong. Cheating is not excusable. EVER. I AM NOT THE ISSUE HERE. Cheating to “find yourself” is bullshit. There is no regret from her. She’s even said that she’s not remorseful because the affair taught her a lesson.

Did I mention that she also admitted having unprotected sex with ANOTHER guy while going through her “depression” last year? Unprotected sex with a guy who screws anything that moves. Hence potentially exposing me and her kids to whatever crotch rot she may have brought home from him. Again, I called her out on that at the time, and all she could do is deny, deny, deny and tear me down for accusing her. What if she would have passed on HIV to me?

I am fed up and done with her. I have accepted that I am better off alone and happy than with her and constantly wondering what she is up to. I need to be the anchor and example for my kids. I deserve better. MUCH better.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Congratulations, Trent. You sound solid. You sound clear, and strong, and you are a stellar example to your children now that you are done with being cheated-on.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. The pain is obvious.

One thing I would like to say is, your writing style is fantastic. Your comment read as if you were sitting right here, speaking to me. Since you're so articulate and expressive, may I suggest that you blog or hub about your experiences? It's a great way to get it all out, and I bet there are alot of people that would benefit from hearing first hand what you've endured. I for one, would read your blog.


Tweety 6 years ago

I love this HUB and I love all the posts here. I live in a conservative society. Got married off when I was 22, to a 28 year old divorced man. Things were rough from the beginning. He knew I was young and gullible so he tried to rub me that way. In our first month of marriage I caught a text on MY cell phone (he was using it that day) that said 'Missing you (her name), so much it's almost physical the pain'. I confronted him with it. He denied anything and then gave some vague explanation about how lousy his first marriage was. The girl in question was his cousin and I had to meet her several times. I let that go and life went on. On our first wedding anniversary I discovered that he had hit upon one of MY cousins. This went public and I was the last one to know. That he had messaged her after we met her as she was staying in the same city we were. He had texted her that he wanted to be friends with her and she could call him anytime in the day at his office. I was ready to leave him then. But my parents flew over from another city just to patch us up. So I stayed.

This is our 6th year in marriage, and no kids yet. I am glad there aren't any. I had one miscarriage three years ago and I highly suspect it was because he was smoking pot, as I was experimenting with hormone treatment. So now the doctors say we cannot have a baby without IVF because of no sperm motility. I had accepted that and had started jobs to raise the money for IVF. Meanwhile husband did nohting to generate funds, instead he just focuses on getting more and more money and going abroad and his career.

Last month I discovered that he is having an affair again! This time with a married cousin of his. I found out by chance. I happened to glance at his email just as he was trying to close it. Long story short, the girl broke down and told her husband about it. He kept quiet for three days, on the fourth day my husband contacted him for some info and he (girl's husband who is also my husband's cousin, so they are all cousins, rats) sent a very angry mail to my husband. I did not need to know anything extra. his mail said all; that my husband had the audacity to mess around with his wife, and then ask him for favors. And that he could not have had one single decent conversation with her. 'The filth that comes out of you mind is disgusting' were his exact words. My husband tried to explain saying they had a history; that they had wanted to marry each other 6 years ago, but she had gotten engaged to the other cousin. And this time they were just remembering old times. I was flabbergasted for a long time. I had actually started trusting him. And then he does this.

He begged for forgiveness, and said this was the absolute last time. And I even gave in for a while. However I took an oath from him, and made him send her an email saying that it was a stupid mistake, and that he loves his wife only. This too he did hesitatingly. His father came to stay with us for a month just two days after I discovered this. I told husband I'm going to tell his dad. But he begged me not to, that it would break his heart. So I kept quiet. After he left I was after my husband to tell his parents himself or I would. He did not have the moral courage to do so. I asked a friend and she was furious. She said you can test him even now. So I posed as the girl and sent him a mail saying it might be over but I (she) still has feelings for him and will always cherish what we (they) had.

I kept a close watch on his email account. I had made him promise if she ever contacts again he would let me know. So I found that he read and deleted the mail, but not before forwarding it to an unknown to me email address. Now I don't know if that is his extra mail address, or hers. If it's his then he has too many secrets from me. And if it's hers then it's again a breach, even if he was double checking if she sent the mail or not. They might be in touch anyway. When he came home I watched him but he did not disclose anything, but seemed happier. So that was it, I packed my bags and went to my parents home.

Current situation: I thought he would come after me begging for forgiveness. No such thing. In fact the very next day he did call, and I said it's over. Then he totally changed track. When my father called his father that night, the first thing his father had to say was that I am a mad woman, I have hit and clawed my husband many times. So basically he had told all kinds of gory tales about me to his parents. And I had the reports with me and for the first time I told my parents. When they talked to his parents about the having children issue they denied it outright, that their son was fine blah blah. And husband never once contacted me after that. He just shut me out. After 20 days I sent him a mail and he replied how dare I walk out of the house, and how dare I show HIS reports to my parents. I know it's hard for a man. But in all this they all forgot what he did, and I became the bad one. There were times when I completely broke, because of his cheating and then his callous abandonment of me. At one point I even thought of crawling back in his arms, I missed that life so much. I have been confused till now, and he has said 'YOU walked out and you know me enough to know that I will not call you back'. So my parents also don't know what to do. I am going to decide nevertheless, I just don't know what.


Feeling terrible. 6 years ago

I feel terrible, but i did it. I worked with a girl, and we became friends over a couple of years, started dating, and have been together for 2 years, and lived together for only 5 months. I am 30, she is 24. Life felt amazing for the first time, she was amazing, and i was happy. I am one of the managers and have a decent job, hers wasnt so great within the company and left. I helped her, writing a cv etc, and she got a job in London. This was the same time as when we moved in, 5 months ago. Well 3 months ago, she receives a text froma guy called Pete. I asked who it was and she became very defensive and accused me of looking. She said it was a guy at work and it was nothing. I left it but wrote his number down. When her phone bill came in, it showed she had been taxting up to 60 times per day, and even in the evenings in our house. She deleted him from her phone, after i said i didnt like it, but he reappeared under a girls name.

the texts developed into dodgy picture messages of herself, and late night texts and calls. I went mad when i found out, and told her to cut all contact from him. Not easy when they work together. She said she was sorry and would.

Lots of late nights drinking in London starting ahppeneing, and she was getting changed into the shortest skirts possible, and coming home in an absolute state. I discovered that they were more photos and she had met him, just them two.

A few days later she told me she was meeting a friend on Sunday morning in London, and low and behold she actually met this guy, and came back at 8.30pm. She left me there in our house all day on my own, and i knew she was with him. It was the lowest day.

when she got home, i went mad, but she told me they were just friends. She didnt have many friends. Well what about the pic msgs, and our relationship? Why did you spend the day with him and not me? She had no answer. I decided to give myself time to think.

I booked a holiday for us, to get away on our own for a week. We did and we had a great time, she confessed she was having doubts about us, but now miraclously loves me unconditionally. I said you cant be that sure after a week, but i do want to try and work things out.

3 days after we gate back from holiday, guess what... she texted me at 6pm, after work saying a few girls from work were going out for dinner could she go. For the first time, i put my foot down and said no. I wanted her to come home because she had pro9mised me an evening together at the cinema. I called her 4 times, no answer. she texted back saying she was still going. I called 6 more times no answer. She came back home at gone midnight, drunk, and wearing the shortest leather mini skirt possible. She had photos on her phone of them together that evening in a bar, and she had texted him saying hi gorgeous, your yummy etc on the way home.

I kicked her out that night. Her parents have been told lies by her, because when they came to get her stuff, they spoke to me like i was scum. This was 2 days ago, i have deleted her numbers, and all details (although they are stuck in my memory) and im trying to forget and move on, but world that was perfect has been ripped apart, and its hard to stick to your guns. she continues to tell me that she has not cheated, and they are only friends, but their friendship is more than friends. I am devestated. I hope i will be able to say ina years time on this page that it was the best thing i ever did, but right now im in a right mess, and all i want to do is call her and tell her i love her.


sarah_21 6 years ago

Hi guys,

I wrote in a few months ago. I'm young and in love... he cheated and eventually we decided to try again. When we are together things are great, but its when we are apart that my mind starts to wander. Its not that I doubt him, I don't think anything would happen again... Its just memories of the past, all the pain I have felt...

We're actually doing long-distance right now (I know that sounds bad but the trust is really not a problem)

I just can't shake the feeling of running into the other girl, it has become such a huge anxiety.

And I'm still replaying the break up and imagining their night spent together.

I have forgiven in my heart and things with him are truly marvelous... but how can I forget?

This is ripping me apart and has the potential to destroy what we have worked so hard to repair.

Any suggestions would be helpful. But please, I don't need to be told to grow up and move on. I want to be with him, I want to give this another chance. I have made mistakes in the past too. I just need help in letting this go.

Thanks so much guys.


mary 6 years ago

thanks..yep so so true. My husband is a type 2 cheater..no physical but online..bloody shit got me pissed off and that was like 3 yrs ago..and still i don't trust him. i mean how could you..i told him divorce was my option from the start..he wanted to stay..now he is giving me hell. hopefully he'll get his shit together n leave already. God bless Us All


stillhurt 6 years ago

I am here for honest opinions, but please do not put me down. Here goes:

My husband & I have been married for a little over a year now. We met very young (he a month out from his 17th birthday, & I recently 18), online nonetheless. This finally resulted in me moving to a different state to live with him nearly 2 years later. Of course, as you might imagine, it was VERY rocky, mostly due to us not truly knowing each other. I caught him in several lies & he had been talking to multiple other girls in varying degrees of seriousness. I stuck with it because, well I don't know why. It was probably really stupid. Anyway, we continued on, arguing a lot but I really wanted to be with him & our relationship couldn't be better explained by any word than "bi-polar". There were many red flags that he cheated but I chose not to trust my instincts & I stayed.

He got into trouble with the law, & I was forced to move back to my home state. While he was locked up & before I moved, I cheated on him one time with someone close to him. A total mistake. He had a relifious experience in jail & seemed like he was really turning his life around. He even wrote a letter to my parents apologizing for not taking care of me like he should have. After I moved & he got out, I admitted my mistake to him. He eventually forgave me & when we found out he couldn't move to my state unless he had a relative there, we decided to get married. We got married the day before my 21st birthday.

Not a month later, I get a funny feeling because he isn't keeping in touch & look at his phone bill. I start calling numbers & uncover an affair with a girl that started shortly after we married & was still going on. I also uncover that he was cheating with another girl basically the whole time we were together. At the time I was very religious & felt it was God's will for us to stay together.

He finally was able to transfer to my state & we have now been doing pretty good for almost a year of him being here. I have not been able to shake my suspicions though, even if at times they are irrational, or a stretch. I can tell he is trying reeeaalllyy hard & has grown up a lot. He now treats me pretty consistently like a queen. He has bonded with my family, & seems to truly, finally be on the up & up. He whole-heartedly claims he has changed, & that he was immature, scared of intimacy & didn't know what it was to be a man back then. Now he says (& backs it up with his actions) that he loves me & wants to devote his life to taking care of me, & some day our family.

There's just one problem. The pain & distrust from the past hangs over my head like a dark shadow, ready to swoop down on me at any time. The smallest thing will trigger a bad memory & I become an adrenaline-charged private investigator. I confront him on every number on his phone bill, on any receipt I don't remember. I am so happy with him, but then it hits me head-on. I want to accept his love & to trust him but I feel I mentally cannot do it.

I know I have been immensely stupid in the past for letting him get by with that behavior, I don't need you to tell me that. But now that I've stuck through it all and I'm finally reaping the rewards of my perseverance, the past won't let me enjoy it. What should I do?


dj 6 years ago

this speaks to me...but the part that hurts me the most is he blames me for his cheating...he wont own up his actions, but he "loves" me...and the part that just disgustme is that the girl he cheated with has a bf and a child and she "loves" her bf..the way i see it they deserve each others lying behinds....the funniest part is when mynow ex told me that they didnt have sex they were just close friends...she was his "confidant" and they talked about their relationships and the farthest they've gone is touching each other... the point is he still felt the need to hide iteven if they didnt have sex whywas she naked in his bed? Now he's giving me all this hooblahsaying he loves me and he wants me back and this and that


stillhurtt 6 years ago

DJ, it's probably better for you to just get out now. It will save you a lot of mess down the road. I'm starting to see that once someone breaks your heart & shatters your trust there's not much you can do to piece it back together. Even if you do put it back together it will still never ever be the same.


more tha hurt 6 years ago

We dated with my husband for four years and we have been married for three years,He had a past with many girlfriends but When we got together I thought he changed, recently he started coming home drunk and late,and there was a particular number he was calling.

After sometimes I saw a text message from his phone which he had received from that number I had noted and it was saying I quote "Why do you want us to break up and you know that I love you so much,why do you want us to part ways and am still thinking about you" end of quote.by what I understood its like they were in a relationship and my husband had told her that they break up,I was so hurt that my husband could cheat on me, when I confronted him he said that they were only communicating through phone and they only met once and they did not have sex.

After I that I moved out because I felt hurt and betrayed because even when I asked him why he did that he did not have a reason, he even said sorry and that he did not love that girl, The most surprising thing is that am young because am turning 24 years and we do not have kids, so I don't understand why he did it, I guess I moved out because I did not see anything I can hold on to. He has apologized but I don't think I will ever forgive him, he is saying that am exaggerating this whole issue but I don't think so because I later called that girl and she said that they were in are relationship and that they have met occasionally and my husband did not tell her that he was married,Do you think am exaggerating this matter?


Wounded 6 years ago

I have been dealing with my situation (posted above about 3 months ago)for several months now. I have not been able to get over what happened. It has gotten easier, but I can't forget. What has made it a little more difficult is that I started to have feelings for a friend of mine. I have totally cut my friend out of the picture because I realized that was completely unfair. However, I still can't get back to where I was emotionally with my husband. I don't know if I can get there, but I still have to try for the sake of my marriage. I really don't know what will happen.

Lately, I have been dealing with all the thoughts that have come back to me about all he has done to hurt me (not just the recent text messages, but the old stuff). And I have been looking at online forums for advice/comfort. What I have come to realize is that all guys have had the same excuse for their ridiculous behavior. It has made me sick knowing the lies these guys have been feeding us. That it was "all a joke" and they "were just curious and thought it would be funny". I seriously thought my husband was the only one, but it turns out there are more guys out there like this.

I haven't been able to give up yet because he is REALLY trying and thats why I want to try, but seriously I have realized he has lied again and again. I don't know what I am to do yet.

To all the girls recently who have had your man text/ talk to another girl and sees nothing wrong with it. GET OUT NOW ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED. They say they will change, but from my experience IT DOES NOT CHANGE EVEN AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED. Don't make threats you are not willing to back up like I did.


JR 6 years ago

Today, I will pray for love


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Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

IP 94.8.166.63 Sky Broadband

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Reported for spamming to Sky Broadband, City of London, United Kingdom

IP blocked


Dibble  6 years ago

What I like best about this article is that it doesn't cater to those self serving wankers who just want to make excuses for stupid behavior. So many articles out there are written by the cheater hoping to never have to take blame or deal with the carnage they cause.

Brilliant. Highly recommend

Thank you


saly 6 years ago

i have a Q i hope u people tell me do u think am a cheater here is my story>>

i was in relation with him then he went to france he emailed me for 2 months only then he didnt bother his self even to send a msg i met one of his friends here i waited for 4 months when he didnt call i talked to this guys any ways 2 weeks ago we had sex and few day ago my ex came back i still love him but i didnt forgive after few days i called him i told him i forgived u ...now he is telling me you are a cheater i was faithful to u and i didnt even touch a gurl in france and now my friend told me that u had sex with him ..

so guyz do u think am cheater or no ?


nine 6 years ago

hello


completely fooled... 6 years ago

I just want to say how much I appreciate this page. I haven't smiled, laughed, or eaten in the last 4 days... It's really not that funny but I laughed for the first time when one person (I don't remember who) said "I gave that woman ANOTHER cursed chance." I can relate the those who have said they would never forgive a partner for such a betrayal and I thought for certain I was the same way, especially given my history of having been betrayed by high school boyfriends and witnessing my father do this to my mother over and over. I even hate myself a little for trying to see his side of this now...much less considering giving him a second chance. Because I have dated such shady, untrustworthy liars in the past, I thought I had gotten it right this time. Now I'm questioning EVERYTHING, everytime he said he loved me, everytime he looked deep into my eyes, and when he held me each and every night. I truly thought this guy was genuine, sincere, honest, generous, caring,and so affectionate. We lived together and were planning to get married. In the year that we have dated, there was NOTHING, NOTHING to make me suspect anything. I have never caught him in a lie. We worked together and lived together. I was pretty much his whole life outside of work. His phone rarely went off. He would check it right in front of me when he recieved texts--NOTHING. No girls, no flirting, NOTHING. When I first discovered the "evidence" everyone that we know said "No, NOOOO there's no way he would ever do that to you." No one had ever seen my boyfriend and this girl talking, flirting, NOTHING...

I will admit that there had always been an underlying dynamic of insecurity between the both of us. I have never been able to fully trust men, and even though I was suspicious at times and I would assume the worst in him, I figured this was due to my own trust issues and never rationally thought he would cheat on me because of how well he treated me over a year long period. He never really truly opened his heart to me about his insecurities, but I would get comments like "you're just going to leave me for someone better." So I knew we had a few issues. Apart from these things we were so happy in the year we were together. We always laughed, had fun just being with each other, and always wanted to be together. I am completely shocked and devestated. I feel totally tricked and fooled.

I had to move to another place for school and he had planned to move there with me a few months after I did. (he couldn't transfer jobs right away) He was even helping me pay for my apartment in the new city. After a few days of me being gone, he went to a going-away party for a coworker. His friend drove him there. His friend left early and he wanted to stay. A coworker, that I knew had wanted him for a while, at some point during the night offered to take him home. According to him he got "so drunk" and "so stupid" enough to have sex with her in our apartment with our condoms. Clearly I don't buy the drunk excuse. For what its worth I don't think he planned this because he knows I count those condoms and would have bought more specifically for her. I just can't believe this. It only gets worse though... I was suspicious when I came into town to visit and found some evidence (bought condoms to replace the one he had used). I pretty much caused a huge scene at his work and damaged his apartment. When I finally calmed down enough to ask him the next day he blamed it on his friend. Because of his past actions I decided (although difficult) to give him the benefit of the doubt. He guilted me for what I did to him and made me feel bad for not trusting him. We took a week apart and then got back together. He said "I didn't need time apart, I knew my decision all along, I wanna live my life with you." So I was happy he forgave ME. The past three weeks were perfect with no problems UNTIL 4 days ago he finally confessed that it was actually him who had sex in our apartment. He said he confessed so "we could start over." He said he has felt horrible for this everyday, but he "had to lie to me because I knew you'd leave me." Which is what I had always told him regarding cheating. He lied to my face for the past month and made me think I was wrong for not trusting him and how I reacted. He cried, he begged, he said like everyone does "I'll do anything." I made him feel horrible and left.

I can't even believe any of this happened. I thought he was my good guy. Now I am so lost. I don't want to give him another chance just to be taken advantage of again. But I don't want to walk away without trying to see if I can get over this and we can work through ALL of the issues we've had. At this point and after what he's done I dont know him at all. I don't know how he felt about me, I don't know who he is, I don't know. I told him the only way I'd consider a second chance is if he showed me if he really wants this relationship by not drinking, getting an std test, and going to counseling for the next few months. This is the only way he can prove to me he wants this, wants this to work. So the decision is up to him and simple--do these things to show me you're in this. If you don't I don't even need to waste my time figuring out if you are who I thought you were. He made this mess, so why should I be the one to clean it up ( at this point) when I don't know he really wants a future.

So now I've seen the other side... always thought I'd take the easy way and just walk away. But I don't know if I can even respect myself if I give him another chance, only time will tell, and only time will tell what he decides to do, what he decides this relationship is worth.

I'm sorry for everyone here who has suffered this. It is excruciating. But in the end, whether we give a second chance or walk away, whether the relationship works or it doesn't, hopefully everyone learns something about themselves.


Sad Dan 6 years ago

I couldn't read through all of the comments in this article. What I read, however, I found myself absorbing. I found out about my wife's affair a year ago and to this day it feels as though it happened yesterday. We have three beautiful children one of which could very easily be a product of her affair which I found about 4 months into her pregnancy. I wanted an abortion, I wanted grudge sex, I wanted all of my hopes, dreams and pictures of the future to stay intact... None of it is working out for me. I read an interesting article about the habitual acts of humans and how closely we are related to monkeys and that one partner sex is against our nature. It's hard to swallow. I understand that looking at the opposite sex is easy to do(even fantasize about it) but to actually do it secretly for 8 months with two children while your partner works daily to provide a good life(being the ONLY focus) is hard for me. I guess my heart is bigger than most. Either that or I'm totally lost. I feel like my Mom did a good job though.....I can't get over the images. They haunt me daily. I knew the guy. He is gone now and I do see my wife trying her hardest to prove herself to me again, yet the images still haunt. Intimacy will patch the problem for a few days, but without it I go straight back to square one. I know I'm having insecurity issues. Tonight I brought up," perhaps if I had meaningless sex with another I could begin to feel equal" and her comment was,"If you did that I couldn't take it","two wrongs don't make a right". Is this a double standard? Am I wrong for thinking this way? I've been through more than most people at the age of 29. I won't go into detail, just trust me. None of those hard times prepared me for this. I want to make this work for us, and the kids, but is it true that she really doesn't love me? Will meaningless sex with another help? Should I just leave and show my kids what it means to be strong on your own and find healthier relationships? I also found out about a long term perscription drug addiction while this was happening. She tells me,"I was clouded", "I wasn't in my right mind". I've been MORE than there but was able to stop all vices with my heart and will power. I'm a respected leader in a corporate company now...That was a thing of the past. This is crazy. Any advice will help. Trust me when I say I can take the constructive criticism. Thank you in advance.


Sue 6 years ago

Sad Dan,

I don't think meaningless sex with another is going to help you. Perhaps marriage counseling, time and your wife's good behavior will help. Perhaps not. Even though I think she did a horrible thing your wife is right when she says, two wrongs won't make a right. I think it would just make a bigger mess. My husband cheated on me for years and I found out four years ago and occasionally there are still times it feels like yesterday but not so often any more. My husband and I are also separated as I couldn't work my heart and mind past it because he wouldn't do his part to make it better. It doesn't just go away. Anyone who says that is lying. It would take a lot of hard work and honesty on both parties parts to make a marriage work after infidelity. And this sucks but it takes more work on the part of the person who has been cheated on. I think a lot of people stay but it doesn't mean they've worked it all out. And your right, intimacy only makes it better for so long. So I don't really have any advice, just encouragement that you can work past it and the pain does fade and to take care of yourself and try not to drive yourself crazy. Easier said than done. I beat myself up for years mentally. And be strong and loving for your kids, don't bad mouth their mother in front of them if possible. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you make after the affair when you too "aren't in your right mind"...


PAULI BAKER 6 years ago

i dont believe a person doesn't love their wife/husband just because they had an affair..yes they are a selfious bastard..sorry i am talking about my husband. he had a 6 yr. affair..i just found out 2 yrs. ago & am still not over it...i lost 20 lbs. w/my nervous breakdown. but maybe he did still love me.. he just ran like a piece of crap, instead of telling me what his problem was. now, will he cheat again? idk


LISAAMA 6 years ago

I was with the habitual cheater - all kinds - full blown, flirting, sexting, online. You name it. For 13 miserable roller coaster years. In the end I finally "spy phoned" his cell (like I needed any more proof)and got proof that couldn't be "explained away". This was after I moved out and came back with an absolute last chance ultimatum. He did change and we did get along better than we ever did, but guess what...he was still up to old tricks. So I kicked him out and started the divorce docs. The longer I go without speaking to him, the better I feel. My strength and self esteem returns more every day.

Going to the lawyers was like a reality slap and the final nail in the coffin to our marriage. Saying "out loud" the reasons for my divorce was a Homer Simpson DUH! moment. After that I had not one second to waste on my soon to be ex.

So please, to all those...I love him...will he change people. If ANY kind of cheating has happened MORE than once (everyone gets one chance for redemption) then forget them! Don't waste years of your life like I did.

And you are NOT doing the kids any favors. Mine are teenagers now ( 4 boys) and they hated this roller coaster. Upsetting for everyone. They have all told me how proud they are that I am finally standing up for myself and how happy they are not to have to deal with the drama anymore. (pretty sad thing to realize you did to your kids)

Good Luck to anyone dealing with the betrayal its too devastating for words, but DO NOT go through it more than once. Take it from a seasoned "pro".


Daniel 6 years ago

Hi All,

My wife and I have been married for almost four years now and I just recently discovered she had an affair on me earlier this month; October 16, to be exact. That isn't the fucked up part really. My wife has been a stay at home mom ever since we have been married. We married young and still are young for that matter. I was 20 she was 18 when we first got married. Since the time we got married we have been blessed with two beautiful baby girls. My oldest just recently turned three, while my youngest will be seven months in November. Anyway, for the past three months my wife has been training to be a police officer. She has had a huge obsession with wanting to become a cop. Her sister is a cop and I think between her sister and her own desire for the job just made her go crazy over thinking about how much she wanted this job. She was training with a police officer recruiter to help her get ready for the police academy every day when I got off work and every weekend on my days off. I have always trusted my wife and thought nothing of it. I mean let me explain that this police recruiter that was helping her get in shape was a 47 year old man. My wife is only 22. I had absolutely no worries about an affair happening. Well, it did, only once according to my wife and she said the reason it happened was because I was not there for her emotionally. My instant reaction was to leave. I was so disgusted that she had sex with a guy almost as old as her dad. This guy was married himself and had a daughter ALMOST MY WIFES AGE FOR GODSAKE!!! I still look at everything with disgust. I cannot even look at my wife the same way anymore. Anyway, it happened Saturday the 16th of October. My wife called him Sunday the 17th in the morning and told him that it was awkward and that this never needs to happen again. He agreed and they were just going to be friends. That night the police recruiter killed himself. He wrote a suicide to his wife explaining that he was sorry that he was unfaithful to his wife. My wife is really ate up about it and I do truly believe that she would never do this again, but I don't know if I can live with her every day thinking about the vivid images I get of a man almost as old as my father ****ing m wife. It's horrid. She bought me my dream car this weekend to try and buy my love back. It did make me happy, but it didn't fix the feelings I have. I don't think I can ever trust her again. I have two children and I want whats best for them, but I just don't know what to do. I think if that this recruiter was still alive that I would instantly leave. I don't think I would take the chance, but since he's dead now I feel like I might be willing enough to try and give her one more chance. It might sound fucked up, but I am glad the guy is dead. I think he is a piece of fucking shit in my opinion. He was married himself had a daughter was a POLICE OFFICER and my wife actually had the balls to bring my children to the gym to work out with him her a couple times. The guy saw my kids and still FUCKED my wife. It really is fucking disgusting on what people are capable of doing. Anyway, I am up for any advice from anyone? I am up for any opinions at this point in my life. Thanks for reading my random rantings.

Daniel


Vicki 6 years ago

I'm in situation #2. I broke it off with him, but my bf is trying really hard to win me back. He text me almost everyday saying he loves me and he misses me. This has been going on for a month already. I feel as though he really wants this, and he tells me he will do anything for me to take him back. Should I take the risk and give him a second chance? I really want to, but I am so scared to get hurt again.


Hurt too 5 years ago

@Daniel-I sympathize with you, man. It's one thing to forgive, but forgetting is so hard. I would advise you to not touch her again and just walk away. Live celibate and enjoy a peaceful life.

I was hurt too. Found out in November my wife did some internet affairs/flings, etc. I forgave but cannot look at her the same anymore. She blamed me "not meeting" her "needs". I think that is a bs cop out like blaming a gun manufacturer for some loony killing someone.

I thought perhaps a divorce would give me peace, but don't believe the Lord would allow it since it wasn't physical.

In your situation, though, take the out, don't be tortured.


conflicted 5 years ago

25 years we have been married. 25 years. I noticehed that we had grown apart but I still loved her. She just wasn't the same toward me. We have had problems which I was part of the root cause and openly admit them today. The problem is I couldn't prevent more than half of the things that she has complained about in our counselling. Back last summer, I discovered the affair. They had met on line and had two dinners together. She swore they were just friends and nothing more. But the contents of the emails said otherwise. We fought over this all summer with her refusing to stop her friendship. Edventually she moved out and then slept with him. Oh and yes, he's married too. She has supposedly broken it off and about a month ago said she wanted to try and salvage our marriage. I am willing to try but it is really difficult. I love her and have tried consistently to draw us back together but she keeps resisting, confronting me on stuff from years past in our marriage. I have said over and over again that I was sorry and would do everything in my power to change but evidently that isn't good enough. If the affair is brought up, she usually flees. I am so frustrated that I don't know what to do. I feel so humiliated by the affair and hate the bastard, who knew me and knew that I knew of their intentions. I know most of these post say dump her but I just can't.


Joan 5 years ago

I am in situation 1 and feel terrible.

Before we got married we had been together for 5 years.

Our wedding was amazing, the best day of my life. I trusted my husband totally. I am English but live in Sweden (hubby is Swedish-Jonas) and so travel back to England regularly. I was there in the summer, 2 months after our wedding. During this time, my husband had a drunken one night stand. This is how he says it happened.

1. Been at party all day and then an after party and was very drunk.

2. Travelling home, a taxi stops and a girl gets out after arguing with her friends. She doesn't live in the city and so Jonas travels with her. Then, to help her out he says that she can sleep in our apartment. At this point, he has assured me that he was just trying to help her out and that there were no thoughts about sleeping with her.

3. They get back to our apartment, she smokes on the balcony and Jonas goes to the toilet. Then he goes to bed without saying anything to her.

4. Wakes up at 8 o.clock with her in bed next to him. Has faint memories of having sex with her.

5. Tells her to leave immediately.

He had decided not to tell me about this as he was confused himself about how it had happened and that it didn't mean anything. I asked him, just joking around on Christmas Day night if he had cheated on me. I saw the guiltiest look ever on his face and then he told me. He couldn't hide it when I asked him outright.

He is really sorry and hates himself and obviously hates hurting me.

The pain I am feeling is immense, it is just horrible. I am so shocked and never thought he would do this to me.

I also felt pretty strong that I would never forgive a cheater but trust me, when you are in the situation it is really different. He has done something that I hate but I still love him. Just seeing the pain he is in, over what he has done, breaks my heart even more. We got back from our honeymoon jsut over a week ago amd it was amazing. But everything we have been trough between then (July) and now is just a big fat lie. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live without him but I don't want to live with him. 3 days ago we were talking about having children, even had sex a few times unprotetected on our honeymoon, not pregnant tho, thankfully.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Joan,

Of the three types, #1 is the only type I can ever imagine forgiving and getting passed. If what actually happened is truly what he said happened, it wasn't filled with intent and deception and making a conscious decision to disregard his promise to you, choosing instead to lie to you. The after-the-fact thing is not what I'm talking about. Deciding not to tell you afterward is almost understandable. The lie that to me is completely unforgivable is the one he pre-meditates. The one he decides to tell, intends to tell and prepares to tell you BEFORE he cheats.

Joan, you shouldn't live in any situation that truly makes you feel bad. If you just can't get passed this, no advice in the world should convince you that you should have to live with feeling so shit-upon. If you feel you need to remove yourself from this, you have to do what's right for you. And that would certainly be understandable. But if you think you can forgive and get passed what was a single night of drunken stupidity, not an intentional deception, then I really wish you both the best. One piece of advice I would offer if that's the case is look to see if he ever puts himself in that situation again. I'm not saying if he cheats again, I'm saying if he does the "too much to drink and after party thing" again. Putting himself in the situation where he lost control last time, shows that he isn't too concerned. However if he does make the change to insure that stupid mistake never has the opportunity to happen again, I would take that as a real sign that he's sorry.


Alan 5 years ago

This was a good article. I got cheated on and am getting divorced. But people dont realize how hard it is to let go of the spouse. Even though my head knows I need to leave her, my heart doesn't want to.


Advice needed 5 years ago

I found out a month ago my wife was having a #3 affair. Due to complications I had to wait to confront her. I did confront her almost a week ago and told her I am willing to forgive and I want to work things out. We have kids. I know what our issues are (both individually and as a couple) and I feel that we can work through this. Recognizing that we both have faults and having had those few weeks to think through this has made me much more patient / tolerant than 99% of people would be in this situation. I have started down the path of correcting my faults / issues over the last week.

What is concerning me is that I am not getting good feedback from her in terms of efforts/desire to be together (to be frank I'm getting close to zero feedback). I am the one initiating searching for marriage counseling, I am the one starting the conversations trying to talk to her about this. She indicated she wants to work things out but if we did not have kids I am sure she would leave.

I am sure some responses will be "how much more of a hint do you need, throw her out." My concern is that I really gave her a reality check in confronting her, I am not sure if her non-reaction is due to shock or whether she is not committed to working things out. We are for the most part going about our normal life which is not a terrible thing for the kids for the very short-term.

My question is: how much time do you give someone to sort this through for themselves? We have had a lot of frank conversations the last couple of days (which needed to happen years ago) which have cleared up some unresolved issues in a positive way. However, having had to bite my tongue for a while and after waiting almost a week and still not having received a definitive answer from her, my ability to hold it together is becoming very thin. I understand it will take time for her to break off the emotional attachment to the other party.

Any advice is definitely appreciated!


Anon 5 years ago

I have never felt more ashamed of anything I've done than what I did the other day. I'm not going to try and justify it in anyway but the shear pain and guilt has made me suicidal. I've been going through some hormonal changes as of late and stupidly put myself in a situation with a woman (friends fiancé) who had been flirtatious and made advances. She initiated the encounter and before I knew fully what I was doing I was having sex with her. Immediately after I felt souch remorse and guilt that my whole world shattered. I knew what I did was wrong and told my wife face to face that night, along with friend, so all parties are aware. Strange thing is is that I almost feel setup. As there was seemingly no anger or bitterness on their end and their relationship still seems to be ongoing (she has had multiple flings).

My wife has chosen to forgive me and understands my part of it. And everyday now I show her I can be the husband she needs and wants. But this guilt and the pain I've caused her is killing me, she has been the strong one while I'm the one who can't stop crying. We have a house together but no children. I am a cheater. But will NEVER cheat again.


eissej 5 years ago

I agree with Dr. Phil's definition - what I've heard him say is "if you wouldn't do it with your partner standing next to you, then it's cheating". My husband has had two emotional affairs, the second a few years ago after promising "never again" after the first many years ago. Those who keep blaming the state of their marriage - whatever that state may be - are just coming up with excuses/reasons. There is no good reason, there are always alternatives, not to mention everybody has the option of just saying "no" when presented with the opportunity to cheat in any way. We all likely go into a relationship with unrealistic expectations, and most of us probably also don't do much talking about what they are ahead of time, either. There apparently are folks who are truly okay if their partner goes outside their relationship for "whatever", but I doubt many of us would ever be okay with it. Once it's happened, you're never really the same because you can't forget it, even if you forgive the trust gets damaged. If betrayal happens a second time, it can halfway drive you nuts if you still love the person. Those who claim "it was NOTHING since I never touched her" are clueless - many experts believe an emotional affair will hurt a wife more than a physical one, since it implies a genuine relationship is already in place. And that type of intimacy and sharing tortures you. If you really want to get up close and personal with someone who isn't your partner, have the decency to leave them FIRST. Every time you hide things you do it because you know you're doing something wrong, and every time your partner finds out what you've hidden, they die inside a little bit at a time and it keeps the whole thing very much alive for them. I've also heard Dr. Phil tell couples on his show that when a man/woman cheats, the betrayed partner needs to understand: it was not about them at all, it's about issues the cheating partner already has inside them. You and you alone are responsible for your actions.


Sadly Shocked 5 years ago

I don't know if I will ever get over the pain I’ve been in since I found out my husband was been having a text/call affair for 2 years. The disrespect to me, our marriage, our kids over a “game” has damaged me to the core.

He fell asleep with his cell phone in the bed--she kept sending messages, which I promptly found. It was with a woman I know (but had no idea he was keeping in touch with), whom he dated briefly before he and I were engaged (13 years ago). Ironically, I met her just before they dated (with my now-husband there) and at the time she was dating a married co-worker, flagrantly--he stopped by to pick her up. She was a friend of friends, but not friends enough to me to let me know what was going on or warn those her or hubby about the impending damage... I think he never stopped holding a candle out there for her, although he denies that completely.

3 months later, I still experience major setbacks, I'm (back) on antidepressants and occasionally antianxiety meds.

He cut it off with her on the phone in front of me shortly after I found out. He swears it was nothing sexual and swears they never met (she's not nearby). Since then he's been contrite and loving, and he wants me and our marriage back. He admits to being wrong, has apologized up and down and is embarrassed by and feels guilty about his actions. He’s my husband full force again and then some. He gave me the phone company passcodes, etc, and leaves the phones where I can see them (most of the time).

But I don’t know if I will ever really believe him about anything, or if I'll ever get out of this mental hell; all during those 2+ years, he told me he loved me, that we were great, and that he was so lucky. Since all this started, I've had good days, and we've had good talks and great sex. But the ghosts haunt me (You were doing what for HOW long????). Hundreds of texts, hours on the phone. They never went more than 24 hours. For two years.

I'm afraid of being a perpetual basket case. I love a husband whom I don’t trust, I have two little kids who love Daddy, and my future wasn't supposed to be without him in it. I HAVE to start counselling, I am making myself (and so him, and so our marriage and what he's trying to salvage) miserable. When it becomes overwhelming or unbearable, I've taken to digging my nails into my hands and fingers, or biting the side of my thumb because one pain does outshadow another, but there must be a better mental "Serenity Now" I can practice, but I don't know what that is.

For others who may be just in the beginning of a similar nightmare, quickly find a copy of “NOT Just Friends” by Shirley Glass--it validated my feelings so I didn't feel utterly nuts about what I was experiencing.

I cannot figure out how to get past the setbacks though. The moments of Holy Shit, It's Happening Again because I have unanswered questions, or because I heard the wrong song on the radio or saw a picture of us at what I thought was a happy time (Did he call/text her before or after that picture???)...AND HOW DO THEY BOTH JUST END IT? JUST LIKE THAT? He says he just doesn't think about her. HUHHHH??

Am I wrong to want to reach out to this little cat-in-heat and tell her I think she's pathetic? Part of me thinks I would find some closure from that.

How does one find peace in all this? The damage is shocking, the emotions diametricly opposed.

Any advice on how to cope is welcome.


finding a wayout 5 years ago

I found out last week that two months ago my wife kissed a co-worker. We have been togeather for over 22 years and have two kids. I love her very much she is my world and has kept me on the right road. She told me she had a snog at work with a man she had been working with for about two weeks. she said he made her feel good and as she has never kissed another man before she wanted to try it. So she asked him to go into a room with her and the snoged. This new as hurt me very much I can't think, sleep or understand why. I ask her question which she will just say I cant remember or it's not inportant. I would say this comes under affair 2? I asked her if he meant anything to her and she said "no" but she did know by doing this it would hurt me. So why did she think so little of me our love and the kids and still do this? She say she will never do this again as she now knows what how she has messed up. My question is if she says shes made an mistake, how can it be mistake she know for day;s she was going to do it but did not put a stop to it. And also if it was a mistake why did she wait two months to tell me and at no point over those two month try and make things better?. I am going to show her this Web page when she gets back home because she thinks I should just forgive her and move on. ANYONE KNOW THIS IS DONE? please tell me. Still feeling like shit. Also persons who hace an offair should be beat near to death just for the pain they have inflicted on others? Sorry about my grammer feeling ver low right now and not sure where to turn next.


Susan 5 years ago

To Sadly Shocked,

I found out less than a week ago that my husband had a physical and emotional affair for about two months. I just wanted to comment on your need to say something to the bitch whore who was having an emotional affair with your husband, DO IT! I can't tell you how gratifying it was for me to call the bitch and leave her a message and to text her and to e mail her and then the ultimate gratification was when i got a hold of her husband and told him about the affair. I warned her that I would do it. I told him a day after I found out. Yes, I am that powerful that I was able to get her name, find her, find him and get ahold of him. I took my DAMN POWER back!! I took my control back. I have asked her repeatedly to talk to me because I think I deserve to know why she, as a married woman herself, would go after or allow another woman's man to go after her. She wouldn't like it done to her, why did she do it to me? I know it's his fault and he is as much to blame as her, but she is a woman and women think with their emotions not with their vaginas like men think with their $%#'s. Their family is exactly like ours. She and her husband have been together since 1991, while my husband and I have been together since 1993. They have one child who is the same age as our one child. It is sickening how much like our family they are. The only difference is I have been sick since 2001 which was the year after I had my son and my husband had cancer two years ago, so there is the difference. The difference? My husband and I have made a journey through life together and we have had a lot of downs during our journey. Maybe it's just been too much. Sadly, I don't think I can trust him again. If he had come clean to me when I asked if he was having an affair (the day before I found out), I might be thinking very different right now. The other thing is about a month ago I told him I had some pain "down there" and was sore and I needed to know if there was any chance at all that I was exposed to anything. He told me no. This is what makes me the sickest. The fact that he put my health at further risk destroys me and is the ultimate betrayal to me. Right now, I can't deal with anything because my son is home sick and now I'm sick (flu sick) and my husband has been home from work to stay with our son too. My son wants his father here when he is sick as much as he wants mommy here and I will NOT deny that comfort to my son. So, I've had to sit in the same room with my husband and just pretend everything is okay; however, there's not been much talking.

So, yes, call her and rip into her and get answers. I believe it is one of the things the betrayed spouse will need to do to make themselves whole again.


so confused.  5 years ago

I have been reading through all the situations above praying id find one similar to my own.. i am in desperate need of advice.

heres my story.

i met my boyfriend 5 1/2 years ago .. i was very young when i met him and despite him being 8 years older than me i fell head over heels. its safe to say that before meeting my boyfriend i was a virgin without ANY experience of men /sex etc. therfore everything i know in that field is purely a result of the relationship with my boyfriend. i have always seen my boyfriend almost as 'too good for me' and have had constant issues regarding him leaving me or cheating. i can admit that i am a typical nagging girlfriend... constantly wanting to know where he is .. who hes with etc. Sex is also a big issue in our relationship where our sex drives were completely out of sync where he wanted sex wayyyy more than i did (this had nothing to do with how much i was attarcted to him just purly my sex drive). i feel sex was the biggest issue in our realtionship which causes most of our arguments , but my bf also reassured me that we would carry on working at it and he would rather have me and a poor sex life than loose me.

anyway teh initial things which occured that fuled my paranoia where things such as overhearing him talking to one of his army friends about a girl who apparently wanted to have sex with him. when confronting him about this he said this was just how males in the army talk.... trying to impress eachother showing off thier maculinity etc. the next occurance was when i found a number of a female in his wallet. after calling the female myself i found out that he had asked her for her number and thats where it ended (yet again this occured in the presense of his army friends).

the final and most serious occurance happened recently. basicly due to my army bein g in the army he travels a bit. we live in the uk but he went to canada for 5 weeks before xmas.. then spent xmas at home before returning to canada again until the end of march. basicly i found out through stalking his facebook and accepting a friend request from a female that hes been cheating on me with a female in canada since the first time he went there. he has confesd to sleeping with her upon more than once occasion but still stands his ground and says that it was purely sex and he was filling a hole that exsisted in his life (this meaning the lack of sex i gave him ). according to him he is now trying to get rid of this woman but it seems she has gotten attached. from looking and doing a little bit of detective work on facebook this woman is 35 with four children. my boyfriend is only 26 and i myself am only 21. i do not in any sense understand why he woild do this .. however i do not believe that he truely wnated a relationship with this woman due to the fact that she has 4 kids and he will be leaving canada in march. in addition to this.. i am by no means a big headed person but this woman is not even good looking in comparison to my boyfriend.. .. so many people are telling me to just walk away but our relationship was sooo good before any of this happened.... i fully acknowledge i was a pain in the arse at the best of times and he looked after me and treated me so well. my boyfriend swears he is severing contact with this woman and admits he has made the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. once again he continues to add that the army life style makes fidelity difficult.. i can understand this to an extent but .. ohh i just dont have a clue.. PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THEY THINK. i am deeply in love with this man... i myself have tried to not speak to him since i found out but i am finding this impossible!


Lilo 5 years ago

Need a bit of advice??

im with my boyfriend 3 and a half years and 2 and a half years ago i found out that he had being texting and phoning this girl .. I confronted him about this and he said that he had seen her on a night out and she was a friend of the person he was with and the next day she had text him and they had been talking since (he says he doesnt know how she got his num)

After i confronted him he said he wouldnt be talking to her anymore but a couple of days later i seen he had dialed a hotel number after a night out .. i confronted him and he said that he was drunk and she called asking to get a hotel room .. he rang but there was no rooms so he went home.. He then said he would never speak to her again and he told me that she text him twice that day but he didnt reply and they nvr spoke since

However recently I have found out that that night they actually did go to a hotel he says that he only stayed there for about an hour then got out of there ( this was a sat and i confronted him on the monday)

I have spoken to this girl and she says it only happened that once . i think the whole texting thing lasted about 2-3 weeks .. im not sure which category of the 3 it falls into no1 or no2??

Because it was 2 and a half years ago (he was 19 and she was 25) i dont no whether to try forgive this .. whether it was one stupid thing or whetehr its just the only thing that i know about and there is more

ANy advice is appreciated


lilo 5 years ago

its sickening the amount of posts on this about cheating ... seriously what is wrong wit people y cant they just break up with the person... or grow some balls an tell the truth!!!!!


TPSicotte profile image

TPSicotte 5 years ago from The Great White North

Some people want it all I guess. On the surface cheaters appear to want the security and safety of a long term relationship and the excitement and infatuation of a new romance. The person having the affair tends to rationalize and minimize the situation because to them their long term relationship and their affair are two different animals. The inability of these individuals to control their impulses and empathize with the person they are hurting is severely limited for any number of reasons.

For those who have already been hurt, there is a strong desire to live in denial, to protect their ego by creating stories of how they still love the cheater and how they believe there is still hope. However, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Can people change? Yes, but often only with a lot of support and in this case probably marital therapy and a serious commitment to repairing the damage.

When there are other considerations such as children then some adjustments may need to be made, but in many instances the person who has been cheated on may need to honestly ask themselves if they are willing to allow and accept further cheating because that is likely what the future has in store. This isn’t meant to be pessimistic but it is more than likely scenario that will play out if there is no commitment to counseling.

Ideally, as we grow and become more differentiated and autonomous adults we can begin to accept that we can live without one particular person in our lives. We become more and more trusting in our own abilities and resources and feel less of a need to depend on others for validation and significance. We learn to self sooth and become more and more self reliant. When we get to this stage the love we develop with another can often be far more intimate and honest. We cease to engage in controlling conversations and actions and begin to seek genuine relationships.

For example, a person can have a much deeper intimate relationship with someone who is strong enough to listen to and understand their fantasy life and in many cases appreciate the honesty that is required for that type of sharing. However in many cases when people feel like they have been in love with someone who is not who they think they are, they are usually right. They only knew about that person what the person was willing to show them. The persons need for control has prevented them or their partner from being completely honest. Can true intimacy come from such a stunted relationship?

I agree with the hub that the secrecy and underground behavior associated with cheating is the real harmful issue. Some people are capable of having open relationships with great intimacy because they have honesty. Other people can have strictly monogamous relationships and little intimacy because at least one of the partners is only presenting what the other wants to see. In these relationships the one who is only presenting the image they think will be loved will likely become more and more insecure as they believe the person their partner loves is not their true self. The real challenge is to find someone who genuinely shares our beliefs and values and honestly wants the same things we do. Yet in many cases, when partners only reflect back to the other what they think they want to see and hear, real intimacy has little chance of existing. How can anyone be intimate when they are only seeing a false front?

In many cases cheating is a symptom of a relationship that lacks honesty and intimacy. A relationship is not a fixed contract. It is a process that requires a commitment to continually finding ways to share honesty and depth of understanding. Often this comes through sexual expression but it can come in other forms as well. Sometimes we may not like all we see in a truly honest partner but if who they are is genuine and honest isn’t it better than pretending to be what the other desires?

When people cheat it seems they are often trying to delude themselves that they are finding intimacy because they can present a side of themselves during an affair that their long term partner hasn't seen. This is further fuelled by their insecurity which has worsened over time as they have come to believe their current partner is in love with a false version of themselves. However, the belief that an affair is somehow deeply intimate is a false belief because while they are being honest about some of the shadow material in their psyche, the cheater is not doing so in a complete, honest, open, and intimate relationship. They are only playing at intimacy. Their insecurity based need for true intimacy does not provide the desired result. Like their long term relationship their affair is also just another version of pretend intimacy. Further, when their hidden behavior comes to light it often serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy because their long term partner no longer loves and accepts the person they now see. Their actions have in a way portrayed to their partner that their relationship had not been one of honesty and sincerity and therefore had also been lacking in true intimacy.


evildedd 5 years ago

I could really use some input/advice from those out there who may relate to my situation.

I met my wife online dating. she is from the philippines and I am the man who brought her here. we have been married a little over three years. since i found out about her affair I have been losing my mind. i felt used by her thinking that she just wanted me to help her get a green card. I dont know if thats true or not i feel like she did love me at one time. but not for the last year i cant say she cared for me.

when i discovered her cheating i didnt want to believe it. even her best friend came to my house and told me about her current boyfriend i still didnt want to believe it. I even read text messages from her bf asking her to come over and have sex. then i started to believe it. she finally confessed it to me one night and said she would not see him anymore that there was no future with him. she went to his house to return the GPS she borrowed from him saying she would be right home. well she didnt come home until the next morning. then she actually had the gall to ask me if she could live with me but continue seeing him three nights a week. i laughed and said youre crazy you have to choose. so she chose to stay with me. long story short I have given her four chances now to stay with me her husband. every time she says she will never see him again. then I find out she is still seeing him. I dont really want to give another chance.

so now the boyfriend of hers is leaving for vacation for a month. so she figures this is her chance to break up with him. she wants to get back together with me. i want her back but i know it would only be temporary until she finds another guy to have fun with. i have asked her to go live with this guy if she loves him so much but she refuses to leave. she says he is a loser and cant support her. so why i ask did you leave me for him?

i guess if i give her another chance she will just end up hurting me again. I feel like a doormat. just something to be stepped on. but we have a two year old child and i would do anything for my baby even if it means being in a bad relationship. i think my daughter deserves to have two parents.


kelli 5 years ago

my husband cheated on me ,he told me all the details passe d a polygraph and still i can not let go knowing that he done things with her that he would never do with me.i mean he did not actually have sex with her. they played around ya'll know what i mean.but still sometimes i really hate him.other times i am still so much in love with him. i wish i had someone tell me whay i should do.


HenryDavis 5 years ago

I NEED ADVICE PLEASE!!

trying to make long story short..this is my first love. together a year & 3 moths when our relationship was rocky, she talked about splinting up more than (around july) once but we kinda worked it out (still together but the relationship was still really rocky) she cheated..her reason, she felt lonely and felt that i didn't love her ie: take her out on dates enough etc. she had sex with a co-worker july the week i went to vegas, she assumed i was messing around. so that week in july she slept with a guy twice. i can FORGIVE THAT. she broke up with me when i came back from vegas but didnt tell me that she slept with the guy, instead told me the same problems plaguing her previously( the whole me not loving her)

some time went by, we got back together this time we were both (or at least i thought) committed to bettering our relationship. i went with her to a field trip to canada with her family, had a great time but there was also instances in which she wasnt herself (remember at his time i did not know about her having sex with that guy)we went on dates etc. came back the end of August. classes at our university started early September. (this whole time i was trying to better our relationship, i feel that she was more distant). sometime early september she slept with the same guy again. she wanted to break up with me, i dont know if it was before or after she had sex with him. that was the last time they had sex. she now says she feels disgusted, ashamed, slutty. ( btw i was her "first")

when i first suspected something funny: in her dorm she went to the bathroom i went through her phone read a convo between her and her friend. she says she went to see him but nothing happened because she didnt want to look like a slut. when she came back i confronted her. the text didnt say they had sex. But just the fact that she sneaked around with some guy is enough. she apologized i fogave her then the relationship was great for 5 moths until MARCH 2011. she slept over my house i checked the time early morning in her phone and i saw the same guys name..i read the convo and it kinda went like this (it was longer but the main point was)

-was i good? every guy wants to know if they are good in bed

-yeah it pretty good

-no seriously?...come on how good was it?

-it seems like you had more practice than you said you did hehee ;)

and thats when i confronted her and she confessed to having sex with him...at first she said only once..then i pushed..and she confesed it was twice..i made her text him and ask him ..he was explicit..sex 3 times..blow job in the car etc etc.

i think i can forgive the first 2 times they had sex in july..this was rock bottom in our relationship, i didnt do my job as a bf..i KNOW that. ( I WAS FAITHFUL THOUGH)

but in september? yeah i know it was still rocky but we were working it out..and this was after i spent time with her family. this i cant forgive i dont think..but if i DO FORGIVE

what about the text message in MARCH i know they didnt have sex since september and she said she told him in person that she didnt want to do it anymore. but why talk to him like that? if you are truly sorry i would think she would stop all contact or at least say "please dont say that anymore, i made a mistake" instead of saying what she said.

as a side note..she of course truly sorry..he was cring for hours, contemplated suicide..contemplated going to a diff school, she said i woulnt look at her the same etc etc I feel she is sincere she said these words for hours " I am NOT THAT GIRL!" "I cant believe i went that low" etc

PLEASE HELP!!!


Baytta 5 years ago

Here is the hard truth….He has cheated on you, and you have just discovered your husband has had a long term relationship with someone else. You have children, you are devastated, and your primary response is to keep him. Ladies, think long and hard before you decide to give this man another chance. You will never know the real truth about this man, only what he has told you, and you have convinced yourself to believe the fabricated story you have created in your head about their relationship. This is not real. The truth is in most long-term affairs, very deep feelings develop for the two people involved. …and sometimes love. If he has convinced you he wants to work it out, that is only because of financial ties, children, and family pressure-not because he loves you. He will always think of the other woman and hope they will have a chance to be together again in the future. You and him had a fair chance to be together, you were able to date freely, go on vacations, spend time togther openly, unlike the other woman he fell in love with, and the bottom line is that he strayed from you for a reason he will only know. Does he love you? Did he ever love you? Has he fallen out of love with you? He will never regret what he did, although he will tell you that he does. The truth of the matter is, the days he spent with this other woman were probably the best days of his life, so much so that he risked everything to be with her. He will always think of her and secretly desire her. He will never respect you the same way, because he fooled you, once again, into staying married. It will only be a matter of time until he will do it again. Unlike what society likes to believe, (she`s a sleeze, he is scum etc.) usually long-term affairs genuinely happen to good people who have become vulnerable, who have stayed in their marriages for the “childrens sake”, and simply feel trapped, or are very unhappy and have fallen out-of-love with their partners. You need to ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that stayed married to me for all the wrong reasons? Give yourself time before you decide you want to give this man another chance. If you at least allow yourself some time before holding on to him as if he were the only man left on earth, he and everyone else will at least respect you…you will develop some self-respect, and self-worth. Does he really deserve a second chance? If only you were able to see him in action with this other woman, and more importantly, be able to witness the emotional involvement he had with someone else, I can guarantee you that any woman, sane in mind, would NEVER give him a second chance.


Tobythewarrior 5 years ago

Hello everyone,

I want to hide from this world, im a 30yr old man and have never felt so much pain like this. I stumbled onto this site by mistake, i have read everyones comment and i beleieve there is somethinhg here to take away. The only problem is i feel so lost and alone i would like someone to help me, at this dark hour of need.

I have been let down by my Beautiful girl after 7 amazing loved filled years. (A NO.2)The person involved was a employee of mine, The type of guy who does loads of drugs, dosent give a shit about life or anyone. MY family and I have bailed him out so many times, employed him, housed at a low rent etc etc. I let him into my inner circul of friends and he dishonours me with the highest upmost. What a selfish C&*T.

Let me explain how it begun. Im an english builder with the potential to take on my fathers large building and development company, a burden which i have inherited. MY ego has told me this is my future. I met Natasha (Australian) in greece during the 2004 olympic Games, she was working at this bar in a small fishing village. I bought a small apartment next to our family apartment and i was out there with 3 other english colleagues to do the knock through. I was training to do my Black belt, i was super fit, confident and spiritual. Unfortunatley i turned to the dark side and joined my workmates and decided to party every night. Well i met natasha, she was lovely, beautiful, we had every thing in common and we were both planning on travelling europe. I fell in love with her, a love which i believe only happens a few times in your life. My father ordered me back to do the accounts, after an emotional good bye i realised that this wasnt it, this wasnt a holiday romance. I raced to buy a ticket to fly back out there, it was like a love film and i was so deep in love with her. We travelled around europe and it was so amazing. ''Im in LOve''. What Memories.

Anyway, we enjoyed life together she came back to england to live with me and we became passionatley in love. Everyone including both our friends and family loved us. The problem was that we both have issues from our past, She had to have an abortion at 16yrs, a boyfriend who cheated on her and a horrible father who kicked her out. I couldnt forgive my father for being an alcoholic and abusing and cheating on my mum. WE both used drugs and alcohol to fill those pains, WE were young and partying hard together, we would work hard and go on lovely holidays together. to start with we thought we were invincible.

Well i think it all started to change about a year ago when we decided to try living over in australia with her family, it was great, she was happy. she never really liked living in england, she lost her confidence but stayed with me because she loved me. After 6months in Aus i became very homesick, my father offered me the world to come back, an offer my ego couldnt refuse. She decided again to come back to england with me to support me. This is when her soul changed and became very un happy, constant mood swings had a good job during this recession. I then over compensated by doing everything in my power to care and try and make her feel happy. I did everything, as well as running a multipound company. this is when i changed too, she wanted to have fun and i wanted to start a career, so i can start a family and eventually buy a house. (ego ego)

she has had feelings for this guy who became her friend as well as mine, but last week instead of going for a jog with her because i was so tired from the stress of work, the guy offered to go instead. ididnt think much after 2 hours but after 7 the red flags went up. Ive always trusted natasha and i knew deep down she would never cheat on me. What a fool.

It all made sense, i feel my eyes have opened(Thanks dave)we wnet out on the friday with the whole gang we all got drunk, came back late, and caught her texting saying to him 'I love you'.

Immediatly i phoned him, sacked him, ordered him out of our houses and he didnt even apologise. My world then turned up side down. How could she. I trusted her so much, i loved her so much. i dont even care about this guy. I knew this was a huge mistake and i forgave her in a second. i have never felt such deep pain, i have lost weight, deeply scared and feel so alone. The bags were packed but i just couldnt let her go.

I understand everyone has a view, but what do i do now. We are both to blame, i feel work got in the way, i wasnt giving her enough attention and i have been lazy in carming down alcohol and drug use as a quick fix as she wanted me to stop and change. I helped to bring her down. we have never lived alone always in a shared house. i know she just wanted to be loved and wanted my commitment, we never had a home to call our own and my ego has fucked it up. She still loves me, shes apologided sincerely, but shes asked to have some space. Its killing me. I feel i want to sail away with her, take her away from england and start afresh in Australia, i love her too much, my ego has blinded me of what truley is important in this world. (Health & LOVE) I will forgive you my darling, Life is too short, Far too short. when they say love is blind IS IT.

What shall i do

TOBY


mark 5 years ago

Hey Toby, I think you need to know the truth, look into a polygraph exam then ask her if she has ever had sex with anyone else other than this guy during the marriage, then if she says he is the only one, then ask her if she would be willing to take a polygraph exam, if she says yes then schedule it for your own piece of mind if she says no then its not wort it because she has cheated more than once and it won't stop. If she does go through the test then at least you'll know what you are up against.


Mnish 5 years ago

Im 5 months pregnant n since 6 days ealier i get a call from a girl who says she was having an affair wiz my husband 4 2 years n my married life is only 4 1 and a half year. she phone me as my husband wanted 2 finish everythng wiz her. my husband has never make me realize zat he is having an affair as he give me so much love n now when i come 2 kw all zat i hve been extremely hurt. B4 marriage he betrayed me twice n now its z 3rd time he do zat. When i ask him y he done zat he say he was tempted n he is asking me 2 4give him n promise he will not do zat again. I really love him but unable 2 accept zat he cheated me again n his parents love me so much zey dont know wat their son has done. I told him i will go far away but he does not agree. he is sad n ill. Please help me what shall i do in this situation


Confused??? 5 years ago

Last year my husband cheated on me with a neighbor. I found out a month after it started and he ended everything as soon as I found out. Now let me tell you how this all started. I don't have a career, I have 4 kids and let myself go, so much so that I was no longer comfortable even looking at myself in the mirror. I had no sex drive and when my husband would want to be intimate I would tell him I didn't feel good, which would upset him and start an argument. I would always end up telling him to find himself another woman to satisfy him, that I just didn't care. After doing this the situation arose where this woman neighbor showed interest in him and they began to see each other. He would go to see her at her job almost everyday for 3 weeks. To this day he denies that he slept with her, but I find it hard to believe since the woman told me so many things after he broke things off. At the time I told him it was over and that I could no longer be with him. Some days passed and he begged me for forgiveness and that this would never happen again. Ever since I decided to take him back he has been very loving and tries to give me anything I want. But the thing now is that he has become extremely jealous. Especially since I have taken care of myself and am looking better than I ever have before. The jealousy has gotten soooo bad that I can't be friends with anyone without being accused of having some sort of extramarital relationship with them. I am FED up! I love him to death... I truly believe he is my soul mate, but I can't continue to live with constant accusations.

What should I do?


Mandy 5 years ago

I had been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years when I found out that he cheated on me with one of my friends. They didn't have sex (just inappropriate touching) but it doesn't really matter. It was an isolated incident, not a relationship. They both kept it from me for a few months, then one day decided to tell me. My boyfriend did have a history of cheating - when we started going out he was still with his ex (I didn't now at the time), and about 2 years into our relationship I found messages on his phone from his friend which suggested more than a platonic relationship (though it wasn't entirely obvious), but she had moved overseas so I didn't see it as a problem. When I found out about the incident with my friend, I stayed with him and dumped my friend. I didn't even give her a chance to explain, I simply did not want to hear the other side of the story. For months she attempted to contact me, but I simply ignored everything. I put all the blame on her, forgave him almost immediately. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I never thought that I'd be the type of person to stay with a cheater. He promised that he would never do anything again and I desperately believed him. About 6 months later, I found out that he had cheated again. That was it; I'd finally woken up to myself and realised that I deserved better. He was my first boyfriend so it was hard to let go of that. It's now been a year since we broke up, I'm single and happy. A couple of months ago, I got the urge to try to reconnect with my friend who he cheated on me with. I realised that I did miss her, and I wanted to finally hear her side of things. She was deeply remorseful and apologetic about what had happened, and it was the only time in her life she'd ever done anything so morally base. We are now friends again.

I think you can forgive a one-off incident (like I did with my friend) if you believe that they truly are contrite and have learned from their mistake. But if a person has a history of this behaviour, it is highly likely that they will repeat it. Looking back now, I am sorry that I chose such a bastard over a friend, but I guess when you're in love you really can't see straight.


Scott 5 years ago

Hi, I came across this site by accident and I'm glad I did. My wife of 2 years is currently in a no. 3. I found out through an email I came across that she cheated while on a vacation without me (busy time of year at work). She created a new email account and emails the guy almost daily with talk of meeting up again. Things seem very good between us and much better than before her vacation but she doesn't know I found out about the affair.

I want to stay with her despite this but don't want to be viewed as a doormat

Any advice as to what I should do?


Dani 5 years ago

Wow,my other has admitted to cheating on me, but only after I found out, but he lied to me right until I came out with hard evidence. I gave him everything for so long. I paid for everything for him and everytime he let me down I would brush it off. That should of been the alarm signals.

He says he loves me, that I come first that all he ever thinks about is me. How the hell can I believe that when I know he said the same things to her... our flatmates girlfriend btw. He still lies to me this very day about what happened. He says it was a one of kiss that happened while he was drunk but I've seen the messages I know there was some kind of emotional commitment.

The funny thing is our flatmate knew everything and didnt care! I was betrayed not only by the man I love but also someone I considered a best friend.

Well that was a couple of monthes ago now, and now currently we moved out of the place I was in, and in with his parents. I couldn't bare to be in that place. I'm down and even with the assistance of anti-depressants I can't seem to pick myself up.

He was in the wrong I know that, he knows that and he is trying everything in his power to make it up to me. I'm trying to see how I could have possibly pushed him to do that to me. I did gain weight since I've been with him perhaps it was that? Or perhaps it was me giving him everything and being naive about the relationship that didnt give him the thrills he wanted.

The thing I couldn't stress more is that our relationship was amazing before I stumbled on everything. The sex was great and often, we shared a love for the same things, he was proposing to me and telling me how great things were and how he cant wait to have kids with me and then I break my laptop.

He says I can use his, I do and went to put some data on to his laptop using a USB stick and in his recieved files was previous conversations via msn.

And now all I can think about is he let me down again. Other times it was something stupid like he didnt want to go the restaurant I wanted to go to, he wanted to go to another. Or, he would promise a film evening together and he would fall asleep.

I love him, he seems to love me

But I'm at a loss of where to go next. Do I stay with him and have doormat written across my forehead? Or do I leave?


Sarah 5 years ago

Thanks for the article. It spoke right to my heart. I have been with my fiance 11 1/2 years and never believed he would cheat, the one thing I would say "....would never betray me and cheat on me".

We just got engaged in April and I just found out he cheated on me after he proposed. We have been away from one another for a year as we work in seperate cities, he feels if I loved him the same way he loves me I would have quit my job and moved to where he is living. I recognize he has done so much for me, he let me travel to Africa for a year and we stayed together, he has quit his jobs a few times to move with me so I could pursure my education and career. I know have a very well paying job and worked hard to get to the point I'm at and I did not want to give it up until I secured something where he lives. We initially agreed to this. In some ways I know I pushed him away, however he decided to find comfort from some other girl when times were tough. He even told me she was there for him, conforted him! He say's I did not show him I loved him, I was not touchy feely, rub his head. he recently asked me to co-sign for him, however after careful concideration I decided I would not co-sign for a new truck but told him I would for a 10-15 thousand vehicle, all he can see is I would not help him get what he wants whereas I believe you get what you can afford. He tells me I'm selfish and greedy, all I care about is money, which is not all true, I care about our future and all my decisions were based on that. All, he has ever wanted was a family with me, and children have top been a huge desire of mine. I knew I wanted them eventually but I wanted our life to be on the right track.

And now, I found out about 4 weeks ago I am pregnant At this time I also started to suspect he was cheating, but he insisted I was jelous and she was just a friend. This weekend I found the evidence and he no longer could deny the truth. he tells me it only happened once, but he has continued to text message and talk to her. He said once he knew I was pregnant he ended it. I don't know what to believe.

The emotions I am feeling are crazy, I'v always been independent, and strong willed but today I woke thinking maybe I can forgive him, but reading your article has brought me back into reality. With raging pregnancy hormones, I'm not sure how I am going to get through this but I have to keep telling myself I can do it. Thank you


Jeremy 5 years ago

I cheated on my wife. It was a one time thing. A drunken one night stand. I was so starved for attention that I jumped at the first chance. Stupid me. She said wanted a divorce. I begged and pleaded and cried on my knees. We agreed to do individual counseling followed by marriage counseling. Oh, and she had affair. We both made mistakes so I was willing to try and move past them. Last night I found out that she's been screwing around for a year (or so she says) with 5 different guys. She gave me an STD. And she got pregnant and had an abortion. Along with sexting some guy in another state. This is some real Jerry springer crap right? She says she honestly doesn't know why she did it and that she needs to see a therapist. We have 3 young children. And now all of our lives are ruined. Moments from now I'm going to a hospital for a mental evaluation. I need one. Cause I still love this woman. So something must be wrong with me. She has had mental issues her entire life and she really does need help. But I refuse to allow her to blame it on her "mental state". That's nothing but an easy out. Sad thing is eventually she's gonna realize just how bad she has messed up. She's lied, cheated, manipulated, alienated her friends. These are friends she's had since they were tiny that all hate her so much and are looking out for me. That hasnt set in to her head yet. I've busted my ass for my family. I've built us up from nothing. Everything was for her


Kerry 5 years ago

Hi Veronica and everyone :-)

I really need some advice...

I started having an affair over a year ago it was type 3. I am married and so is the person i was having the affair with. We first dated in high school many years ago however it didnt lead to anything as i met my husband. We met up again and the connection we had was strong and we fell inlove.

My husband and his wife have found out about the affair as i admitted the affair to my husband as i am pregnant to the person i was having the affair with.

Anyway i find myself alone...Depressed...and over my life.

The person i was having the affair with has told his wife everthing and has decided he is going to stay with her and work things out as they have two sons. He is telling me now he is still attracted to me so cant see me or the baby ( When she arrives )he thinks its for the best if he has nothing to do with me or our baby anymore as he needs to give 100% to his marriage now to make it work! and if he still sees me his marriage will not work.

Please help me understand...im devastated!

Do i leave them to sort there marriage out?

Do i take legal action and make him see his daughter?

Do i walk away and not have anything to do with him?


amy 5 years ago

my significant other had an affair with someone who we had been friends with for years! i stopped hanging out with her years before because i started to see what she really was a drunk sick in the head flirt!! she neglected her own child for booze and she always flirted with him! she is very mentally ill!!! they both knew what they were doing she is nasty and when i use to hang out with she made remarks about other guys i dont think this was her first screwing around on her husband. ive chosen to stay with my other half but i dont and cant call him my husband and i never want him to call me his wife!!!! means nothing!!! you dont have to be married to be together and i know by law we are but not in my heart!!one day at a time im working on a backup plan i want to be able to take of myself and son just in case. he knows i dont lie and i put everything on the table!! no one will ever hurt beat me down lie cheat and treat me like shit ... so if i have a backup plan it gives me secruity and there is nothing wrong with it.


Watcher 5 years ago

Baytta hit the nail on the head. I've watched a few guys go through this. To the point where they start dressing their wife like the woman they are in love with. It's sad. Life's too short to waste unhappy.


Karl 5 years ago

20 years ago my partner had an affair with a married man from work. I got two different stories - my partner states they did not have a sexual relationship. The guy states they did. I have never got to the bottom of it and it remains in my mind everyday. 20 years later I have 3 children and still with the same partner. Deep inside I am very unhappy and know my life and mmy families life could really be better. You may say 20 years ago is a long time, but the hurt I feel is with me right now. I love my partner but cannot forgive or forget. I can't forgive because the very root of me being a man has been shattered. I cannot forget as I can't find a way to erase the thoughts from my mind. I have good days and bad days. The anger I feel over this is destroying me. I've had various drug addictions that I am sure are due to this problem as taking drugs seemed to give me an temporary escape from the turmoil in my mind. I've been on anti-depressants and even tried to settle my thoughts naturally through Buddhism and meditation but nothing cuts through. My own childhood was ruined by the same situation with my parents. They stayed together for myself and sisters. My father left as soon as my youngest sister was 16 and not only do I live with the pain from my parents arguing for my childhood years but this. Must be Karma... It's an awful catch 22 situation I'm in. If I leave I lose my 3 beautiful children and my partner who I do love but staying together is just so painful. I don't know what to do and can't find an answer anywhere, even inside me. Any advice from people in a similar situation would be appreciated.


matty87 5 years ago

my girlfriend of 2 and a half years admitted yesterday to have cheated on me 4 months ago with a coworker.im 23 shes 20 weve been deeply in love with each other since the day we met.we dont live together but she'll stay at my house for 2-3 days at a time.what happened was i called her one night see what she was up to,said she was watching a movie by herself at home kinda of surprised me a bit. call her place a few hours later her mom answers and says she hasnt been home all day.alarm bells go off immediatelly.i called her cell and after 5 minutes of questioning she finally admitted to being at her coworkers place watching a movie.of course i got pissed and jealous.this allnhappened back in may.yesterday she tells me she was drunk went to his place after work spent the night did everything except have sex.she tells me how sorry she is just crying her eyes out saying she wants to move in with me which i have no problem with,and how she doesnt want to lose me. i confronted her about this over the past four months and she lied to my face every time.she works at a restaurant and told me to meet her at the end of her shift so i hung out there for a while,not knowing that her coworkers knew that she cheated on me.i feel like a fool and embarrassed that i was oblivious to it. i love her so much,she is gorgeous and sexy but i dont think i can look at her the same way again,i dont know what to do. help.


Jenn 5 years ago

It's really hard to say "I'd never allow someone to cheat on me!!" if you've never been there. I dunno I guess mine might be a bit different. My husband has a legitimate problem. He came from a home where his mother was a crack whore. He started calling phone sex lines when he was 11. And ever since it has been a means of escape for him. He goes online finds willing girls who will have phone sex with him and does so while I'm at work. He's been caught twice. We are now having our first child and he broke down the other day said he wanted more for his son than the bullshit he went through and he knows he needs help. He wants to be the dad he never had and he wants so badly to make things better. This was not my demands this was his choices. He's been a serial cheater with all his gfs in the past (physically and emotionally cheating) but with me so far it's just been anonymous phone sex. I've read all the emails the girls would ask to meet and he'd have reasons not too. But he'd always talk them into calling. Anyway my point is not everything is done because they don't love you. I know he loves me he's fun funny sensitive and loving. We have incredible sex. But it's like a Jekyll and Hyde scenario. He has this dark part that seems to be uncontrollable.


Suluto Don Brandy 5 years ago

wish i can get help soo urgently.. am 27yrs and my gf is 23yrs old.. Met her 7months ago with intentions of getting married to her. We had a wonderful beginning even though at that time, she told me that she has got a boyfriend who was't as serious as i was.. She gave me the impression that she was ready to call it all shotz and get married..at the middle of the relationship, i started understanding much more than the painted picture.. she revealed to me that while dating her previous bf that she was also seeing other men (married men) actually that gives her money. Se told me that she has been exposed to this kinda men like all her life cos she had to support herself through school having got a mum that is not working due to sickness that a dad that never cared for the family.... I accepted her the way she was cos myself, av not got it all sweetie...i have got my past also both with women and life circumstances..4months ago, i started suspecting her with an office lover...she jes got a new job and like two weeks into her new working place, i started noticing changes, she does't call me anymore unless i call her.. most odd times that i call her, she was always o the phone with this office friend..when i confronted her with this development, she told me that the guy was jes one of those male callers who wants friendship definitely..on different occasions i have over hed there conversation- the guy telling her that he is with his gf.. i now wonder what he wants from her or what she is answering the calls for...anyways as this where going on, the office offered her a car to help convey her to work.... i considered the standard of employment and operating level in the country wer we live this was't obtainable w/o some kinda affiliations (+ve or-ve). Continually also, she get this long calls from her boss.. most times this calls last for long minutes..at some point i began to wonder what kinda nice boss is this that calls all his worker to know how they have gotten home and all.. she kept on telling me that the boss has taken them like one family hence cared for everyone...to make it short, i discovered that she was going out with the boss...they have gone to different locations hence has had sex uncountably..infact to the extent that the girl had to get preganant nd has gone for abortion for the said boss...between all this period, she came to tell me that she's pregnant..i had sex with her that period, i was even asking her to keep the said bastard for me, lemme come and see her parents..SAD! little did i know that it was't for me...when it was clear to me, i confronted the boss and told him how foolish he is sleeping and destroying another man's child and i also confronted the girl to ask her to quit the job.. at first she agreed to me of quitting the job, but at some point she told me that she'll never quit her job when she does not have another..that resulted to a big slap and when she was sure that i was ready to disgrace her, she quitted the job... am still kinda sung into this girl..she has totally changed from her person all this while that she is fresh job hunting...making me believe she cared for me and loves me soo much...following up on my drives and passion....She has totally changed in her house also, does things she does't do on a normal day...i admit of telling that i have forgiven her but i don't that is possible... i feel very foolish inside of me for continuing to show her love and care uptill this moment but i think i need some public opinions about this situation. At some point i think she do deserve a second chance just like everyone does but i don't know if this is proper...on the other hand, since i have been dating her, i have ot been faithful as well but has never kept like a relationship..It has always been a one nite stand here and there...mayb upto 30 girls or more since i met her...i think this is a well deserved lesson of how devastated the other partner will feel if found out...she knows noting about my hidden life and secret but her's is open...am confussed...? can i still go ahead and love and marry this woman? someone should clearly examine and tal to me soon pls.. thank you guys


sheshe 5 years ago

Cheating in NOT a mistake....it is a CHOICE!!!!!! The choice to hurt, disrespect, and break your commitment. Do you REALLY THINK SOMEONE LOVES YOU WHEN THEY DO THAT? NO!!!!!!!!!!! If they loved you, they would put your feeling before anybody else!!! and do NOTHING to hurt you! They only feel guilty after that makes you THINK they love you. The damage has been done, and it will NEVER be the same. You REALLY and TRULY have to love someone in order to stay with them after that. And you can always forgive someone, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to be with them!!!!!!! A mistake is grabbing the salt shaker when you thought it was pepper...not purpously sticking your dick in someone elses hole. whoops! Have some morals, values, recpect, and desency. Don't make commitments, promisses when you won't keep them. And don't get married if you want to have sex with other people. AND DON'T CHEAT! THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY MORE REASONS TO NOT CHEAT THAN THERE IS TO CHEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


MRMOM CHARMER 5 years ago

Well let me start with my wife and i have been going through rough times for couple years . she was over weight and always though i was cheating, but i am loyal and honest to a falt. she had everything i own tapped and found out i never did or would cheat she was still depressed about her weight so i got her lap band she lost weight and had brief affair with co worker, he had girlfriend and a child after he got what he wanted he dumped her she had moved out and left me and children he dumped her two days after he got him a piece. She moved back in and says nothing happened and she wants to be with her family she says she loves me but will not touch me sexually she says till i get fixed , i believe just a accuse . i am very attractive and probably out of her league education upbringing just we grew up in different worlds. what should i do , Should i just let her stay for kids , she will leave i gave her plenty of money oh ya she has phone password protected and her laptop and hides it evertime she signs in. what do i do this guy was only 27 and looks older than me i am 41


lish 5 years ago

hello

i'm another person who was cheated on by my bf & we've been 2gether for 8yr. he cheated on me so many times i even lost count and on that he made one of the other girlfriend pregnent still i forgave her becouse i loved her. our love was getting stronger but i'm still angry inside i cann't forget what he did to me & i asked her so many times why but he never gave me un answer. we are still together but the funny thing now is i'm falling out of love with him


nurturing a sex addict 5 years ago

It's heartbreaking to read these stories. I never thought it would happen to me. In fact my husband was so worried about cheating he'd accuse me of it, even though I was completely isolated with two children. So years latter (married for 13 now) his behavior started to change. He was receiving gifts from a woman I believed wanted to have an affair with him.. I protested their connection and latter found a dirty text from her on his phone. He swears it was an accident. Fast forward two years. He's angry at me all the time and refuses to address any important issues at home. Everything was my fault and mine to fix. He became obsessed with his appearance and was taking showers and work and multiple showers at home. I started to notice he was on his phone all the time and would hide it from me. He would also slam his computer shut when I entered a room. He was going to work but not logging in hours. He started getting sloppy when he left his email and facebook open. I ran into numerous chats with many different girls. Most seemed to imply some sense of emotional intimacy. Stupidly I confronted him, he would say "Well she's really amazing or we were talking about aliens!" God how stupid I felt for his lame answers. Did he really think I was that worthless. He started to get emotional late night texts from a coworker. She thought I was at work when she sent them. Another co worker would glare at me every time she saw me. Friends started to notice how overly friendly he was with unknown women in public. When I was with him he would watch sexy girls. Of course when I'd confront him he'd say, "Why shouldn't I stare," or "I wasn't doing anything,". It was really lame because he was so obvious and it was so humiliating. I went crazy trying to figure out what was going on. He lied and lied and lied. Finally I went through our phone bill and discovered he'd been calling a local phone sex line that connects singles. Of course I had to call it find out what the heck it was. Hours and hours on this 800 number. It's really disturbing by the way. This was right after I discovered him locked in the bathroom on the morning of our anniversary with his computer. He was angry at me for being disappointed. His problem was not just between me and him either. My children stumbled across a porn site that was similar named to a common game they play. The lying drove me crazy and I started to lose business. Something I had worked very hard for. But, I couldn't eat or work or sleep. I always had one ear open...is he sneaking out of bed again. I was having such severe anxiety attacks I finally called a doctor who told me I needed to check into the ER right away. I got scared and told him what they said (tears streaming down my face). He asked me if I could drive myself because he had something to do. Of course my suspicions continued and he told me I was crazy and I should get some counseling. I shared with him that my therapist thought our relationship needed some drastic help and he tried to convince me the therapy wasn't working and I should stop going. When I discovered the phone sex line, I confronted him at the door. I demanded he tell me the truth, because I deserve it. Of course we went around yelling at each other until he knew exactly what I found out. He threatened me then left the house. I of course am such an idiot. I was worried about him, so arranged a place for him to stay so I knew he'd be ok. The days that followed he would not follow through with plans. Pick up the kids on his time. He continued all his normal daily activity as if nothing had happened. But, oh he was sorry and he wanted me back so bad. So guess what I let him back on the premise that he would start counseling and after he goes for a bit we would go together. It took him six months to book his first session and after two quit without telling me. In the meantime he's allowed some bills to go into default costing us more than $10,000 in fees. It's not because we couldn't pay it. He just didn't want to deal with it. He also told me he had taken care of it before I let him back in.

On the other hand, he's completely open with his phone. Tries to let me know where he is all them time. Is kind and gentle to me. Now follows through with most promises. He's realized that I am the one for him after 13 years of marriage. While it's nice to be treated well for the first time in years, I don't think he's ever admitted to anything. Just talked about what I know. I keep running everything through my mind. There is no way this adds up to nothing except phone sex (and that sick thing is not nothing). I am now so tired of this life. I hate that my kids see me check out because I'm running the whole thing through my head to comfort myself by trying to believe I know everything. I know I don't and that's the thing that hurts so much. His lies taught me not to trust myself. My husband is not who I thought he was and I'm about ready to say goodbye to the love of my life.

Just in case anyone is wondering. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly,I'm not lazy, I'm not stupid. I was blessed with an amazing figure. I am a talented artists. I did the stay at home mom job while working full time to support his dreams. I did everything regarding the household including bills/maintenance. I am an enabler. I allowed him to bully me and I allowed him to shift all our family responsibilities on me. And I allowed him back in.


yammay 5 years ago

I have been with the same guy 26 years and been married 21 years. He purused me in college when I had so many other guys also pursueing me. Once we got together, our relationship became almost non existant. He was mean and emotionally abusive an neglectfull. I kept on asking him for us to work on our relationship and he was not interested. Stayed and got married like the fool I am and he cheated for 4 years and got caught. Begged me for weeks to come back and still acting weak let him in. He stoped being emotionally abusive but he became neglectful. I was and still am alone in everything I do. he does not communicate and does not want to discuss anything deep. keep asking myself why I stayed.In his case looks like so far as he has sex life is good. he got no expectations of marriage. he almost appears clueless when it comes to matters of the heart but he is a very prosperous business man and very smart with money. I have reached a point where I feel I am dying - been dead for too long in the relationonship and feel life has passed me by. I am looking for more and in the past I had expressed my feelings to him and nothing was done. I am ready to move on with or without him. we have kids in college and I am sad when I think about all the missed opportunities for them and what we could have had as a family if they did not have an absent father. I do not think this guy ever loved me and I do not love him either. It is now a matter of convienience -- has been for a while. not a good role model for the kids. need a backbone I know. I am ready for all the critics.


Mike 5 years ago

Wife's just had a second fling with co-worker. She says she still loves me very much and doesn't want to break up with me. Should I forgive her?

Here's the story:

We've been together 12 years now, married for 7 years.

Everything was extremely fine in the first 8 years - we had a wonderful, very close relationship, in which we truly felt like the other one's half. However, 4 years ago, she suddenly felt in love with a co-worker. She started by saying they are just friends, but eventually admitted to having feelings for him. We talked and decided to stay together, but quickly (within one week) I found out they are still talking/seeing each other. We had again a serious talk, this time she became nuts. She even begged me to let her sleep with this guy, of course I said no. She became very mean towards me, she even started to insult me. In the meantime, I had a talk with the other guy as well. He denied having any feelings for her, promised solemnly that he will stay away. He was in fact seeing other women at the same time - my wife found out about it and seemed to come a bit to her senses, realizing it might not be the great love she sort of expected it to be. Slowly, slowly, working hard, we fought back for our relationship and seemed to regain our trust back. By the way, no sex has happened between them and I'm almost sure it was true - one of the reasons I decided to take her back.

The next 4 years seemed fine - it felt very much like we love each other. We seemed to have gotten over this major bump in our marriage. A few weeks ago, everything collapsed around me. It turns out my wife wrote him 7 months ago - a goodbye letter since she was changing jobs. He replied back and slowly they started seeing each other again. My wife felt in love again - she says he seduced her with nice words etc. Moreover, they started having sex this time. They slept around 30 times in the last 6 months. They had oral sex together (both ways), they always had unprotected sex, and my wife always finished him in her mouth. She also confessed to having an orgasm every time he went down on her, and once a vaginal orgasm.

She mostly slept with him when I was away from home (short one-week job trips). In fact she stayed at his place almost every night I was away. A few times she even slept with him when I was home - she said she is at her job, but in fact she was at his place.

She didn't confess anything (she said she didn't want to hurt me) - I found out everything when I started to become suspicious. When I confronted her with hard evidence (SMS texts, skype messages etc) she eventually confessed to everything.

She says she still loves me very much and doesn't want to end up the marriage. She says she is aware she did a horrible thing, she cries all day long and says she doesn't want to live without me. She also says she doesn't recognize herself in her actions, and is willing to find out why she did it and fix things up. She says sex is not the problem, as it was much better with me (she says the other guy is not so good). She did see the other guy and told him everything is over, she doesn't want to see him anymore.

However, the problem is that after the emotional affair 4 years ago, I just can't take the same thing (plus sex!) all over again. The trust, as you can imagine, is pretty much gone. She says she didn't handle the situation properly 4 years ago, but now she learned her lesson and will only do the right thing. I don't know whether to give her another chance or not - I am more inclined to a definitive separation, because of the long-term affair (6-7 months) and all the planning, lying etc that she had to employ to keep the other relationship ongoing.

What do you think? Thanks!


Miasophia 5 years ago

This is very hard,About 4 months ago my husband went out west,We do this every year together but this year he went alone because I decided to help our Daughter with her new baby.He was gone 3 weeks,When he came home he was acting diffrent,Doting over me taking me out telling me how much he loved me.Please keep in mind he called me every day,telling me were he was and what he was doing.And then the call came a Woman asking me who I was she got my name off the insurance card in the car,So I told her because I thought maybe he hit someones carout there.She then told me who she was and how for a week she had an affair with my husband she told me how they meet at the bar she worked at,She told me she gave him her #,and how he called the next day and how they spent the day and night together,And for 5 more days he hung out with her taking her out to dinner, nice hotels,and the last night she let him stay at her house. She told me after they had sex he told her he was falling in love with her,but when she woke up he and all his things were gone,She said he took off like a thief in the night.When he came home he told me everything,And how sorry he was.The truth is I cant get it out of my head,I think about it every day,sometimes it controls my thoughts.This is a #3.I just dont know what to do.And this woman sends me texts all the time to see how im doing,I dont respond.She also just sent me an 8 page letter on every detail on every day they were together.Please help me figure this out


liaki 5 years ago from bk!

Miasophia,

I know exactly how you feel! It's a terrible thing to feel. remember that his mistake has nothing to do with you. You are still beautiful, smart and talented woman. People make all kinds of mistakes in life. You have to decide for yourself what you can and cannot handle and if you can eventually forgive him. If he is willing to seek some help with you and be open about it all then you can take your time to figure out what you too are willing to do or not do for the relationship.

-wish you all best!


liaki 5 years ago from bk!

I also have my own story to tell. It's very long winded so feel free to take a break in between. I guess Im just looking to share a big piece of my life with you all and hear your thoughts :)

So.. I have been with my still current BF for a lil over 5 years. We have known one another for 6. I met him my first year in college and instantly really liked him. we worked on projects together and I even helped him get into a great college he wanted to attend. I told him i liked him but We decided to just be friends since he was with someone (a much older woman). This actually kind of freaked me out but in the end i decided just being friends was fine since I was just happy to have had the balls to ask out a guy! we would hang out from time to time but then not see one another for a month or so. During this time my mom was sick with cancer and as her condition worsened we got closer and closer. his mom had also died some years ago from cancer so we felt very close in this way. at the time I was just turning 21 and he was 21 going on 22. I didn't fall for him completely until he told me one day that he told his girlfriend know he like someone else. I thought this meant we were free to start dating but turned out he still hadn't left the relationship! So while we still remained platonic friends, it was obvious we were both romantically interested in one other. 5 months went by and as my mom got sicker and he was able to be there for me, we became closer. He had a hard time doing it but he left his girlfriend because he knew it was not what he really wanted. Instead of continuing friendship we started seriously dating almost immediately. BIG MISTAKE. Since we were both in vulnerable states I realize now it was just no good for either one of us. my mom died just about 8 months into our relationship and it hit me like i have never been hit before. my BF was there the entire time and even came to stay with us during a few really big scares and literally took care of EVERYTHING. He even stayed in the hopital with my mom while i took care of the house and other responsibilities. My mom was basically my only family so It felt like i lost my whole life when she died. My BF tried everything to console me but after about 5 months he became very overwhelmed after he started college for the first time. we became distant, he became very irate and irritable and the relationship went sour as he became more and more pressured with school and money. He didn't invite me to meet his friends or do much any more and I became incredibly dependent and wanted him include me in his life . He was not good to me for a year and a half and after his first year in school ended I discovered he had cheated. Once in the very beginning of our relationship with his ex ...they fooled around....and the second time much later with someone in school. The girl actually told me about it herself. I guess she was upset because he told her he wanted to stop. It had gone on for apparently a few months. He must have told her just a few days before she called me because he told me how much he really loved me and was so sorry for how wrong he had been treating me a day or two before I got her call. I confronted him and He admitted right away. i felt literally ill when i found out. I was already in a pretty deep depression and this pushed me even further. I started feeling suicidal so I joined a self help group. I had already been getting counseling at school but it wasn't helping much. I tried to get my BF to join since I knew he had some major lack of confidence issues and family things that he probably needed to work on but he refused. My trust was completely diminished and I felt terrible about myself for a couple years.

My BF apologized but was never willing to talk about it our discuss anything to help me heal. He was still very irritable . The only thing he every really said at the time was that he felt so helpless and angry at how our relationship had turned out and didn't know how to deal with it all so he had the affair. He would often tell me how helpless he felt in being able to solve any of our problems. We were both pretty depressed to say the least. He really tried to lift my spirits after this and two years he cooked, cleaned, bought gifts every once in a while...even joined self help but I think we were both so damaged we couldn't REALLY be there for one another anymore. not in the right ways. He still would get upset or mean at times because i was so depressed and sad. It just felt so impossible to lift the heavy dark cloud of losing our moms, his cheating our big terrible fights...After a while I finally started really making a big effort to just work on myself and no longer focus all of my attention on "us" all the time. My BF and I started doing more things together, having more fun with one another, going out...I started to feel more hopeful. Then, one night, we got in a huge argument and decided to take a break a few days later when I refused him any sex I found out the next day he had cheated with someone. I felt something was off the night he didn't come home and checked our phone records. I discovered a random number he had continually called at odd hours so i called and got a voicemail to a woman I didn't know and instantly knew what was going on. Turns out I called while they were together. He came home the next day and admitted. He said that since we were broken up he just did it even though he knew it was wrong because how upset he was. I felt awful . we both cried then I finally decided I really just needed to get away. I didn't come home much for a couple months and was very short with him. At the time I had just started a new job which really helped me to shift my attention. He told me he missed me and was sorry but I didn't feel good about him anymore. I was confused and hurt so I told him I just wasn't interested. Through my job I gained a lot of confidence since i was doing so well and had a lot of responsibility. I noticed that as i felt better about myself the less upset i felt about the cheating and the more I could just love myself and his good qualities. I realized that he and I had been in an unhealthy relationship for a while and during or struggles to fix it all had hurt one another in different ways. So i said ok lets just give it 3 months of our best effort and see what happens. So far it's been great. we have written lists on how to improve our approach to the relationship, have gone out more, I have spent more time being "selfish" and making sure to think about myself and give myself alone time or to do hobbies I enjoy. He has been working on being more open and verbal with his feelings and sharing his life, work, friends and activities he enjoys with me...We are also just trying to be our best as individuals...He told me one night recently when I brought up the cheating that He wanted me to talk about it with him so he could try to help me through it and so we could be strong together and for one another. I can talk with him about feeling jealous or not having trust But i still sometimes get this feeling that it's all for nothing. We don't fight much at all anymore, and when we do it's no longer viscous. Instead, our arguments are just a disagreement or expressions of frustration. But I find myself wanting to be with him forever one day then wanting to dump him the next. I have seen major growth from where we started to where we are now and that is very promising, but sometimes it all just seems soo hard! He has gone back to counseling and I am still involved, but considering Im only 26 and he 27 sometimes, i wonder if we are just being stupid for making all this effort at such a young age. .....Anyway, I told you this was a long long story. Any thoughts opinions from anyone? Is it stupid to stay and work it all out?


splash1103 5 years ago

my bf has also cheated on me but not in a sexual way. in the beginning of the relation everything was fine. he often told me he was in love with me and i often told him that i didnt know if i was in love with me. he was always very insecure because of this believing that i would soon get bored of him and leave him for some one new. i started to slowly falling in love with him. and for a time every thing was great (btw we do not have a sexual relationship we have never had sex)slowly he started getting more distant saying that he didn't feel the same way but that he still loved and wanted to stay by my side. i was okay for a while until i started to feel insecure about our relation ship. at the same time that all of this was happening we were getting stressed out with college and our part time jobs we were getting less and less time with each other. he started becoming distant and not giving me the same attention he use to give me started hanging out with his friends more and more often almost every night. we kept arguing practically every other day. he kept telling me that he wasn't good enough for me that he wasn't going to amount to anything and why did i love him so much? i kept pushing him to tell me why he felt that way until he told me that he had cheated on me on night that he went out with his friend. he said that he was drunk and that he knew the girl liked him and that he had suspicion that she was and he just let it happened. he also said that he quickly pulled away. i asked him why he let that happened and he said it was because he wanted to know if he really loved me and i asked him what he found out with the kiss. he told me he found out that he really did love me and how he wants the relationship to work. he cried a lot and i cried a little, because i wasn't sure how to feel because deep down as soon as he told me i had forgiven him. because i love him so much. but i told him i needed my space and broke up with him. i also asked him that if i should forgive him and he said no. now im confused about how i feel i still love him deeply and i want the best for him i want to see him smile and be truly happy. and i wanted to marry him and live with him. but i am those types above who believe any type of cheating is wrong and should never be forgiving. but its different when your so deeply in love that you would give your life for that person and non of those feelings have faded yet. even with the lies and the cheating it hasn't faded away. i know we are all human and humans make mistakes. but if it happened once it can happen again. i have all this emotion going through my heart. i feel like I'm sinking in quick sand. and the silly thing is i cant imagine my life with out him.

and yeah i am still young and i know i can probably find someone new but i cant see that. right now we are currently broken up and i haven't talked to him for three days. i want him to figure out if he truly love me because he really did this mistake would have never happen.

as you can see a lot thought run through my head what if ... and there a chance. my heart tell me one thing and my head tell me another thing. so I'm just torn.

please leave comments of what you think


mommylovecj 5 years ago

Hi Veronica. My story. Husband had an affair. I discovered they have a kid. I was so devastated. This lady is married too. Im not sure whether her husband knows the kid isnt his. They are now in the US while we are here in Australia. Yes I accepted him back. I got pregnant with our 2nd shortly after I discovered. We tried to start all over just to realize that she is also pregnant a month ahead of me. I guess she wanted another baby before we left for Australia and they for the US. I know that they are still communicating.

I got so mad this morning when I saw a bank receipt showing that he sent her money for $1000. I confronted him. I'm sure she and her hubby earn very well in the US so why the heck does he have to send money. He said he doesnt send often and that they dont talk anymore because he wasnt able to send money. Yeah right!

By the way, I discovered about this affair when I saw his wedding ring with her name engraved on it and not mine. He accidentally dropped it. We didnt have our names engraved yet when we got married... I guess he wanted her as his wife not me. So my wedding ring is still blank while his isnt. It hurt me a lot. Im crazy, I know.

He is a very hardworking person. He provides for all our needs. Im currently on mat leave but I know I can easily find a job if we go separate ways. I want to take revenge by anonymously sending an fb msg to her husband telling him to have his kids tested for dna. Do you think that's a good idea? I want her world to crumble too. She betrayed me. We became friends too... but I guess that's what mistresses do... making friends with the wife. She even invited me to her daughter's 1st bday. I dint know abt it yet. I didnt attend but my husband did... posing as god parent... and my son went too.

I want to end this. But I love him. But I hate him too. I dont know. I try to forget but it's hard. really hard. Appreciate your advice. thanks.


bamadaze 5 years ago

On the types of affairs example #2. Where do I start. My husband and I had been married a month and a half. I thought I had found that one person that understood the promises, the words for better or worse, well I didn't. I had to have emergency surgery 1 week before by birthday, after laying in bed and needing pain medicine I could not get his attention, so I got out of bed to find him in front of the computer online with some other women with a web cam. Well, I am sure you see where that was going. I tried to ignore it for 2 months or so until I can home early from work to find his still talking to the same person. So, of course I hacked into his emails to find he has been talking to this person, whom he had met on Criag's list, alot longer than I thought. Along with a profile on 2 porn sites. After talking to him about it of course I get the "we were only talking" story. And the story "the guys at work darned me to do it and then it got carried away". 1 month later it stops or so I thought. After coming from a relationship in my 20's and my husband knowing this old boyfriend was the same way he had always said he would never do that and he did anyways. Now I am in my late 30's and married 4 years and he is back at it again. I can't prove it this time, I have tried. I have heard all the excuses and I am not saying our marriage is perfect in anyway. The one thing I do know is I would have never thought to do this to anyone. We have tried to talk things out but afteer all is said and done I will never trust him again.

Now what to do, I am very unhappy in this marriage and the biggest problem is the untrustung, the lies and what I call cheating. I do not want to break my Dad's heart by telling him I want out a divorce. I have told my husband I do but my dad has no idea what is going on. I lost my Mom 6 years ago and I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this but a few friends and they are not musch help at this point.

I know what is best for me...Life is short...that is one thing my Mom told me on her death bed. I am tired of being unhappy and not puttong forth the effort to fix the problem because I simply don't care anymore. He has said something about going to talk to someone but the minute I bring it up again the subject gets changed.

I am working part time with no medical insurance, I ahve been looking for anything to get my feet back on the ground and move on. I feel the only reason we are still together is because of that and I don't want to hurt my Dad.

So moving on may not be that easy. But I do know it has to be better than being lied to in your face weekly.

I am moving on.....


robynsc 5 years ago

i searched on how to live with a cheater on google and came across this site. the comments start 3 years ago but imagine my surprise when the last comment was 2 days ago.

i've been through the wringer for the past 25 years. i'm turning 50 this month and i think i need to make a change.

my husband has engaged in physical and virtual affairs for many of the years of our marriage. yes, there were children involved, but i genuinely love and care for him. he has also had some eye health issues and i carry the health insurance so....

the latest straw which i think will break the camel's already bent and weak back is the sexting between him and his high school (yes, i said high school) girlfriend from 30 years ago. she reached out to him about 3 years ago, when our son was a junior in high school. i'm pretty sure they slept together shortly after we got together 27 years ago, but i have no proof. this time, i've got proof a plenty. i usually do. but the part that is pushing me (or him) out of the door is that i confronted him this past tuesday (before thankgiving). at first, i got the usual indignance at the invasion of privacy. i knew i would get that, that's where he always starts from. but then the next day he surprised me when he said he was heartbroken at the thought of ending our marriage. i was truly taken aback. he said he loved me and wanted to stay married. later that day, more tears and he apologized and said he was embarrassed. that i was his best friend. i was really surprised and touched. thanksgiving, and still more tears. asking the family (who don't know what's going on) to allow him to stay a part of the family. that he had a humbling reminder of how important family was. i thought we were on the road back. i even offered that i may not have been as sexually available as i should have been. because isn't that always the reason? we were intimate over the weekend and i thought we were on our way to rebuilding our marriage.

i even got a hold of a copy of an email he sent her saying he wouldn't be in touch for a while (yea, the "for a while" bothered me) but that they had agreed that he would not risk his marriage and that no one should get hurt but that I had gotten hurt and he was troubled that he had turned to her in the way he had instead of to me.

it wasn't the grand exit i had hoped for, but it was a start. unfortunately, it was also all lies.

he has been texting her again (actually instant messaging) he doesn't know i have access to this account. right now he is out with friends and i decided not to go. i checked the account and they have already made a date to "chat" at 11:00 pm. we were supposed to get together at 8:30pm. so i suppose he was going to have sex with me and then chat with her. he didn't even make it a week. i feel like a complete and utter idiot.

i just don't think i can do this anymore. i don't care about being lonely, or alone, or finding another man. i want to be able to walk into my home and not find a package with sexual items addressed to my husband. i want to walk into a room and not have him swap out of internet windows. i want to live with someone who doesn't take his laptop in the bathroom! ewwww. :-)

can anyone here tell me how to make the transition? last week i was heartbroken too and today i just want it to be over. we have no family (literally) except for our children so there is no where for either of us to go temporarily. one of us will have to find a permanent place. my youngest son still lives here (22) and i have a dog. i would prefer to stay in the house because i can afford it on my own. but it would be so much easier for me to just get up and go. last week when we discussed, briefly, his leaving, he expected to move out in january. i hate the thought of having to live in this pretend land for a whole month. everything is tainted as long as he is here. i don't trust him and i don't trust anything of what "this" is. i'm sorry that there are so many people on this hub. it means there are a lot of hurting people out there. i think of it as a bruise that never heals, always sore, always there. you can live with it, but it still hurts. i don't think God wants his children to be this miserable. i know i signed up for better or worse, but this is the worst of the worst and there's no hope of it getting better and there's nothing worse than hopelessness.

thank you to veronica for creating this hub. i hope it helps us a little to tell someone that we're suffering and that others know why we choose to suffer even when we know better.

any suggestions or advice is welcome. thank you...


new mum of 1 4 years ago

hey veronica, i much admire your advise. im in desperate need of good advise, please help me n what i shud do.

basically lng story short. my boyfriend of 3 years now, i have found him cheating on me. denied all of course until i confronted him wit his hone bill. he admitted having sex wit a couple of differ girls, was truly sorry , broke down crying, romised me sun moon and stars etc. siad he loved me endless, i was the most imortant and best thing that has hapened in his life. a few days later i found out i was pregnant. i decided to forgive him, and work on things. he is after all the love of ny life, and he blamed his actions for his troubled childhoood. pregancy was very uncertain for me, had a lot of doubts, but gradually gained bak his trust. things have been great, the best boyfriensd and father to our now 10 month old baby boy. until the ther nihjt, to my heart dispair, i found text messages again. im utterly shattered to pieces. he had previously promised he wud never EVER hurt me again, and that i was the trus love of his life too.

well anyway, after confronting him the other nte about the recent text messages, he denises it all. of course, because he knows that if he admitted it this time , that we wud be finished. he said he did not recongnise the number, etc etc, but i kno deep dep in my heart he is lying. he had cut no corners from before about deleting texts etc, but this one time (the other nte) he got unlucky.

wat do i do veronica, ( AND OTHER SUGGESTIONS FROM FOLLOWERS PLEASE),, of course i love hin deeply wit all my heart, and we have a beautiful son together, but this is not the life i so wanted, a lying boyfriend, cheater. im at my wits end, and i feel no love left in my heart. my heart has sunken i dont think anthing ever will replace it. i want to leave him, but wata about my boy, wat will everyone say, wat about my love for me.... my so so confused and heartbroken, please please knock some sence into me, and tell me ur honest opinion, thanking u , mun of 1 xx xx


liars 4 years ago

how about when your husband starts an affair with a married friend. well shes not really or never was my friend i realize now. she always flirted with him and most guys and she was unhappy since the birth of her son. anyway what they did is disgusting right in front of me. its so complicated so messed up the girl is a sick in the head drunk!! you see he new i would suspect him i trusted him!!! they both new what they were doing!! poor him-- poor her thats how i feel not only did he cheat on me he beat me down everyday!!! he went behind my back to our friend and family saying we didnt get along and we were having problems!!! he talked to her about me us and made me out to be some horrible person!!! he abused me our son and he forgot to tell these people the reason we had problems was because of him! he abused for years!!! before he screwed around they told each they love each other so much!!! she was unhappy in her marriage for years!!! i know i used to walk we her listen to bitch about it i would say then do something about!! she told she ran into her ex she implied that something was going on with him!!! this isnt her first time cheating thats when i stop calling her didnt like who she was!!! now back to my husband he started it ,but once the ball was in her court it was up to her on which choice she made!!! wasnt calling me and telling me what he did. nope she went for him she wanted a way out!! they talked about being together said they loved each other!!! there is to much to say what he did but he scummed for a little flirty unhappy insecure horrible human being!! not to mention unprotected sex yes i know have a std!!!!!! he was suppose to be my friend ive known him since he was fourteen we were friends till i was 24,and nothing else. i trully beleive he is sorry for what he did!! because i dont have time to detail everything in our life that led up to this --know one when can completely understand what happened! his drinking was the biggest problem he hasnt drank in over a year he has done everything possible in helping me heal and him! he has struggle with depression and hating himself! i have chewed him up and spit him out to his face! i have never made an excuse for what he did he choose to lie cheat abuse me and our son,for drunk flirt with very serious problems! took me along time to find me again to like me!! i like me no one will ever abuse me or my son again!! he made a choice me and were going to try and heal he is suppose to be my forever friend!! i already told him you can her! her and her rotten filthy mouthed disrespectful son who my husband cant stand! i say if you think she is the answer to your unhappiness by all means go just remember she is who she is a flirt a tease a unhappy miserable princess! and what the two of you are going to have a honest loyal devoted loving long term relationship? just remember she was screwing around on her husband making fun of him trashing him just like you were doing to me. thats what else the two of them did made fun of people talked bad about people... he become just like her i swear her took on her nasty traits he never behaved like this it was so messed up! she made fun of someone who tried to commit suicide called him scooby cause he cant talk right. he would have got what he deserved two unhappy drunks! wait till the fights start wait till your the one chasing her around at bars- her flirting ways-- how many fights do you think you will be in for her? wow!! ive said all of this and more to him,love yeah not my idea of love! i could go on forever! i dont know whats going to happen us but i do know him and he has to live with all the horrible stuff he did to me and our son and i know it kills him! my forever friend i love him i dont who that person was who did such horrible things but it wasnt him! Her i know im suppose hope she fixes herself and find her happiness cause if she had more respect for herslf in the first place she would have made changes in her life ten years ago,not just for her but her son. the angry part of me hopes he husband and his family make her life horrible!!!! i hope she suffers everyday for what she did to me and my son! because like i said to my husband you were never stuck with me! you had choice and you could have been with her without abusing me and our son! without the poor me pity party without trashing me without sneaking around lieing cheating etc... i have gone to her twice but dont satisfied i feel i still have alot to say to her! i want to verbally beat her down everyday for about couple months


Scottish34 4 years ago

It's difficult to explain the bretayal

I feel. We were not married but she was my girlfriend, my best friend, and I loved her with all of my heart. We did everything together, ballroom dancing, scuba diving, and travelled the world together. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make her happy. I

Tried to think of one thing I could do everyday to make her smile.

Now that she's left me it feels like its there is a hole in my heart. I've broken up with others, but it's never hurt this bad before. It's been 6 months... I just keep waiting for this pain I have to go away. The other man is with her and now I'll never get her back it's over I'll never see her again...


plumbing110000000 4 years ago

i have been with my wife for 30 years she has an ilness m/s did everything and spent 10 of thousands of dollars on her gave up everything and i mean everything for her than found out she had an affair for 4 1/2 years just want to run cant saeem to do it hate myself for this who did she think she was please help she just like i made bad choice whats that mean ?? not sure if really in life at all


100ktrainer profile image

100ktrainer 4 years ago from Michigan

There is life after an affair. But repair will not be easy. It will take a lot of communicating, a lot of working on the relationship and a heap of patience. At times, it may mean calling on help from couselors, self help books, etc. When you can't do it on your own, seeking help shows you are willing to do what you need to do, to repair the relationship.

Repair has to be worked on by both partners and has to be wanted by both partners. It can't be one sided.

Nice Article


imsorry 4 years ago

No matter what, an affair is totally wrong. To forgive someone is climbing a mountain,high so high, it takes such a long time to do it. Once only once no second chances... How much do you love that person? Why do people cheat.. why does one cheat?. If you are thinking about leaving someone whom has cheated on you, think of memories, time.. Look every affair is different... Someone came up to me and said I wish you were mine..told him he is my husbands friend...to talk to me normal... months later said the same thing then it went from just texting how are you etc to a little more. I feel terribly sorry discussed ashamed embarrassed remorseful dirty just horrible. I wish I could close my eyes forever. My husband has forgiven me, I will never ever get involved in anything like this again. people say there is a reason for affairs. I can not tell you why I had one. I can only say I feel ugly and always will. I am sorry to my husband and kids and family and I am sorry to all the people that have had someone have an affair on them. We are not all the same but we are all wrong. Forgive me for I am that person forgive me for I did what I would not want anyone to do to me forgive me for whom I am. I now live in HOPE hope for my husband to stay with me HOPE that we can die old together HOPE that we can make it. I am so sorry for what I have done please forgive me. I HOPE you all fine happiness and forgive those whom truly are sorry like I am.


Scottish34 4 years ago

@Imsorry

It is important that your husband forgive you, but you have

to forgive yourself for what you did as well. You can't

spend the rest of your life with your husband feeling guilty for what you have done. That is no way to live,

If your husband and family can forgive you for what you

did, then forgive yourself for the mistake you made move

on, and never do it again.


imsorry 4 years ago

Thank you


Antonio confused 4 years ago

I have read many comments and this article and am haveing a lot of trouble with my situation. I am a married man of ten years who recently found out my wife was haveing a 2 relationship with a person we both knew but wouldn't consider a close friend . The relationship over emails and texts was short . About a month she says it built self confidence and mad her feel attractive . I am extremely hurt by this as I am a good husband and father of two wonderful daughters. I found out about it through a deleated email. It was in trash bin. After reading several I find it hard to forgive because she spoke to this man as if talking to me. She always says thing like cya later alligator and ect. She sent sexual text also. I t makes this so much worse that she sent him pictures that we took with each other . I really love my wife and can be man enought to admit I could have made here feel better about herself and been more romantic . But I just don't know if staying with her is the right thing to do. I don't think I may be able to get past my trust issues this has caused. Any advice would be appreciated


Antonio confused 4 years ago

Also she said she didn't find him attractive and was useing him. She defended herself saying she would never sleep with him and that she needed the feelings she was getting from this relationship only because our marriage was at a point where it had gotten stale or boring . I am totaly confused about if I should stay or go . We have had ten wonderful years but I don't want to wonder where she is at and what she is doing forever . Am I over reacting to leave her for an affair over paper. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks


flutterbug 4 years ago

This has been an amazing hub. To read all the comments is very eye opening.

I just outed my bf of 2 years. During our whole relationship he as slept with 4 women (3 of them ongoing for a few months at a time), made out with 3 others and has been chatting on line with about 15 more (in varying degrees of depravity).

He claims he is a sex addict and is now seeking counseling and had entered himself into a 12 step program.

I am trying to forgive, but it is a daily struggle. I outed him exactly 1 month and 3 days ago.

He says he loves me and wants us to work it out. We will see, I suppose. I let the whole community know what he did and sent every single one of those women a private e-mail. Some of them knew about me and some didn't.


birds of song profile image

birds of song 4 years ago

It is 3:08AM. I should be sleeping but I am awake. I really feel for so many of you. This is actually my first time joining a forum.

I am 29 years old. I had my son at age 26...he is almost 3 now. My hubby is 31.

I don't really know which section my hubby falls into 1,2,or 3?

My husband has been looking at porn since I married him. I never realized it before because my parents were very strict and we married before "really" getting to know each other. It bothered me so much...it was not the normal porn. It involved woman who smoke and who were high on crack (just like his mother). It caused so much problems that I started to go astray and I cheated on him several times with different men. I didn't have sex with all the men, only one. Finally, I decided that if it was to work out I needed to be open with him. I told him of the man I slept with. I was very sorry. I told him of how him looking at that type of porn was not only disturbing for me but that it had the same affects on me as actually cheating.

We worked things out. He said he understood my hurt and sufferings. We both for the first time talked about our boundaries in our marriage. I felt we both had a clear and more understanding foundation and that we could now move forward in our marriage and have children.

Before we tried for our 1st baby, we spoke of the vows we made to each other. We held one another and promised that not only were we making our lives better for ourselves but that now we promise to never do that for the sake of our children. We talked of our parents mistakes and how we wanted more for our own children.

Now four 1/2 years later (married going on 8yrs). I have found the porn on my computer. I somehow did not find it in the past and because I put anew trust in him I was not even looking. He has lied to me for the last 4 1/2 yrs! I'm only counting our renewed vows to each other. The private vows that we made to either continue or relationship or call it quits.

I found the porn by mistake. He accidentally downloaded it while viewing it. I had downloaded a picture of my friend and her new fiance and that is when I came upon it.

I am devastated. A complete wreck. And now I have a beautiful innocent little lad who I adore. I never wanted this sort of life for him.

It has been a month since finding out. I pretend I'm okay around family. When I'm around him I'm a monster. He is constantly saying he is sorry. That he has hit rock bottom that he will never do it again.

I'm not doing good. I cry all the time. I don't sleep anymore. I go through constant ups and downs. I keep it together in front of my son, but as soon as he goes down to bed I fall apart. When I do sleep I'm dreaming.

I said that hes only sorry he got caught. He says that is not true and that he is very sorry.

Am I over-reacting?

.....by the way I have been sick for the last 4 days and in the beginning it started with a sore throat followed by cold chills and a fever. I feel like I am sick because of all this.

Please I really need help :(

I'm so sad.


imsorry 4 years ago

Hi birds of a song. I just cried reading how you are feeling. I can only say that stand tall you are a good person you have made your peace by owning up to what you had done a long time ago. I too had an affair and my husband too looks at porn now and again. Reading what you wrote and how you feel, made me understand a little more about why I had my affair so I thank you for this. I wish I could say that the way you feel now does not stay with you as much as it is now. It is like a death, so upsetting distressing but in time softens. I know how you may be feeling, hurt, used, useless, helpless but what your feeling is what the other person should be feeling. This is not your fault your husband needs help,he needs to look in the mirror and change. He needs to go to a Councillor to find out why he is doing what he is. He needs to sort himself out or nothing will get sorted. You need to confide in someone just to have someone listen and take a bit of the hurt from you makes waking up each day easier. If you love him then help him if you feel you have helped him enough then move on. You will be ok no matter what your decision is. It has been 1 year on the 12th June that I had been found out. I thought my life was over and felt i deserved it to be. There were so many days I thought of ending it all as I was a nothing how many pills do you need to swallow to say goodnight. I live because my husband loves me and wants me. He still does not trust me but that will come in time. I trust me I would never hurt him again nor myself.

Birds of song you will be ok. You will fly high again because you will have done all you could, be it on your own and with your child or with your husband as well. Fly as high as you can, will be thinking of you :) lost and nearly found ( that's me)

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