Do Best Friends Interfere in Your Life and Marriage? When Friendships with Others Start Getting Too Close...

Do your closest friends know every little thing about your life? Do they constantly give advice on important matters? Do they interfere in your relationship?

That's when friends become too close...so many times I've seen or heard about friends actually causing major problems in a marriage. A husband or wife will talk with their friends about problems with their mate, before their other half is even aware of any problem. The friend says "You need to do this", or "You can't stay in this relationship", or any number of statements. While most are well-meaning--is it really fair to give them the first option when it comes to working out problems in a marriage?

Don't get me wrong--friends can be wonderful, too, but I think there has to be a line drawn somewhere that you don't cross with them. Do they really need to know the intimate details of your relationship with your husband or wife? Of course not--that should be kept private--it's no one else's business.

If you have a problem in your marriage, or relationship--shouldn't it be resolved from within, instead of drawing an outsider into the mix? And friends are outsiders, no matter how close you are to them...they don't know your spouse as well as you do.

When you're single and unattached, it's great to have friends to confide in, and enjoy being with. My husband and I both had many friends before we met, and spent a lot of time with them. But once we got together, our friends came second. We didn't quit seeing and talking to them, but we gradually spent less and less time with them. We're still on good terms with them all, but they just aren't part of our daily lives anymore.



Obviously, our way isn't for everyone, we realize that. But it works for us--we didn't need anyone else other than each other, and our children. We didn't want anyone else being actively involved in our everyday lives...we were, and still are, each other's best friend. Only the two of us know about the private matters of our marriage--it's our business, and only ours.

We do each have a good friend, but both live many miles away from us, and we see them rarely--most of our contact with them is through the occasional phone call, or emails. We talk about our lives with them, and share good times and bad, and the two of them know us better than anyone else does, I suppose. But even at that, the lines were drawn a long time ago with them, as to what we will talk about. They realize, and respect that, and have never interfered when they shouldn't have...

They, in our eyes, are our true close friends...

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Comments 38 comments

erin boote profile image

erin boote 7 years ago from Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania

hi. This couldn't be a more timely article personally speaking. i appreciate your thoughts on this subject, you expressed yourself very well. Too often "friends", however well-meaning they may be inject themselves into so many places in our lives where they don't belong. This ultimately leads to trouble in our relationships.


Candie V profile image

Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Exactly, well put.. I have several stories that fit this so well. We also go thru seasons in our lives where friendships ebb and new ones form.. as we grow personally and all other ways.. Some we keep for a lifetime.

Well said Tammy!


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Erin--Thank you, and I hope whatever you're dealing with can be resolved in a positive way!

Candie--Thanks to you, too! You're right--I like what you said about friendships ebbing, and new ones forming...perfect! The close friend that I talked about is one I've know for 37 years....she's the one that I will keep for a lifetime...


GiftedGrandma profile image

GiftedGrandma 7 years ago from USA

Thank you...that was very well said. I feel that way myself. Our friends are many miles as well as states away. It is always great to have catch up times with them. Put our personal life stays that way even from family.


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

GiftedGrandma--Same with us--we're in Ohio, and our friends are in Florida and Colorado, and have been for many years. Thanks for commenting!


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Friends come and friends go and some you will always keep...things change and our needs change and we learn how to get along from them all...whatever works works and what will be will be, be thankful for what you have...I am sure you are...even I am...:O) hugs


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Ahh friends - you can't live with them and you can't live without them. I guess that makes them special. That said, I think that when the friendship is deep enough, things like the do's and don't's come in naturally but not talked about. Respect and mutual understanding will prevent um, conflict. Thanks for sharing Tammy! :D


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

I so agree with this...though I do have many dear friends I've always felt that there's a certain limit beyond which no one should want to cross. Some things are private, and there's really no need for anyone else to hear about them.


Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

what a fantastic topic. I agree. I also agree with Cris that when it's deep enough, you don't have to say anything. I find that when friends are in the same place in life as you are, this is especially true, and it's also when the friendship becomes closer; the right things get shared and talked about. When you're not in the same place, things tend to taper off, sometimes smoother than other, and because of these very issues. Glad you wrote this. Thanks.


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks, everyone, for your comments! I do agree that with time, these lines get drawn naturally with most friends...

I am so glad that so many feel as we do--we've always felt like this way was right for us, and now we know we're not alone in feeling that way!


Pachuca213 7 years ago

I always say as a friend we need to do one thing...Listen. If our friends are having troubles just being there for them and listening to them vent is good enough. By stepping in and giving them advice about a relationship I think is out of line, unless they are being physically abused. But even then the person involved needs to make the decision for themselves. GREAT HUB!


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Pachuca--Yes, listening really is important! Thanks so much for commenting!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

Hey ....Curt called and wants to stop by for 6 months or so.....I said OK! This hub is perfect! :)


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks sweetie!

Curt...6 months....I think maybe we should have a little chat, ya think???

:) ~~hugs~~:)


Research Analyst profile image

Research Analyst 7 years ago

I agree telling your friend everything is a receipe for disaster,


Deece profile image

Deece 7 years ago from Piqua, OH

Good hub mom, I definatly agree with you. I just dont see myself ever getting too far away from friends...but who knows


Common Thred 7 years ago

Great Hub and I give it an Amen. I could not agree with you more; I do not share stuff about my marriage with my friends; it is definitely none of their business. Keep up the great Hubs! :0)


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

RA--Thanks for your comment--I'm glad you agree, too!

Dus(Deece)--Yeah, some day you may see why it happens, lol..

Common Thread--Thank you--I think that's great that you feel that way, too!


Am I dead, yet? 7 years ago

Enjoyed every word, TamCor...I totally agree with you on this. Fortunately, I do not have this worry about, as I chosen a more introverted aspect of living.


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Aidy--Thank you, but your comment has me curious as to your introverted lifestyle...care to talk about it?


Laughing Mom profile image

Laughing Mom 7 years ago

Great topic, Tammy. My best friend knows almost everything about me, and yet has never been pushy or controlling. She is very understanding, accepting, and listens--even at 3 in the morning when I'm so upset all I can do is babble without making any sense. She always has my back and supports me no matter what. We rely on each other in that capacity a lot, and it's comforting to know she's there.


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks LM! Your friend sounds a lot like mine...for many, many years, we have helped each other through life's trials...good friends like that are so very hard to come by!


Useful Knowledge 7 years ago

I agee completely with this hub. I have been maried for 16 yeas and have lost many friends due to them trying to cause problems. I do keep a few friends, but like you, they live a distance away. Good hub. Thanks for sharing:)


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thank you for your comment, UK...I appreciate it, and glad you can identify with the hub--it can be tough, but sometimes you have to stand firm with these "so-called" friends...


Laughing Mom profile image

Laughing Mom 7 years ago

Yes they are, Tammy. I've been lucky enough to have a couple of them.


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

I know what you mean, Laughing Mom!


Enelle Lamb profile image

Enelle Lamb 7 years ago from Canada's 'California'

Too true - I have a couple of friends that I haven't spoken to for over a year, yet when I do, it's like no time has passed at all. Those are the kinds of friends you keep for a lifetime.


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Enelle--Exactly! I'm fortunate enough to talk often to my friend in Colorado...via email...but we rarely see each other in person...same goes with my husband's closest friend, who lives in Florida..


ralwus 7 years ago

Friends keep their noses out of certain affairs. The way it should be. Nice hub dear.


\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

good friends are soooo hard to find, really good friends I mean.... when you have one though it is a great asset to life


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Charlie--Thanks--and I feel the same way!:)

Brenda--You're right--they really are hard to find...I really appreciate mine! Thanks for your comment. :)


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 7 years ago

Great Hub,

It's up to each individual to set the parameters of a friendship. It is never a good idea to confide the most intimate details of a relationship with anyone outside the relationship. Inevitably, it comes back to bite you.


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio Author

breakfastpop--Thanks for your comment--I completely agree with you!


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 7 years ago

TamCor,

You are quite welcome!


Veronica 6 years ago

I have been in a relationship for six months now and I need advice. I am 28 year old late bloomer and am dating my first boyfriend. We have our ups and downs but I love him a lot. lately his best friend has been making really mean "jokes" about me. At first I thought it was simply a joke and kind of tacky and I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let it slide. I can take a joke. But the jokes have become progressively meaner and now I think he is actually serious and all was not jest.

I have recently decided to be as vicious and make underhanded comments but that really isn't my style. I am a forward person and not a cruel sly person. The times I have confronted his best friend he simply says it's a joke. Now I know better and will like I said attack his flaws in a clever roundabout way though I absolutely hate playing these games.

I told my boyfriend that he is being disloyal to me by not saying something to his best friend. One day in particular, after being called useless by his best friend as a "joke" of course, I blew up. actually I let it slide that day but the next day I couldn't contain myself anymore. That's when I told my boyfriend that his silence was disloyal. His best friend always assured me it was a joke so I just took it that day but I was visibly hurt. All my boyfriend said that day as his best friend stammered through the awkward silence that ensued was " I'm just waiting for u to finish insulting her" .

When I blew up on my boyfriend the next day , he said it was unfair of me to take out my anger on him. I had already at that point made up my mind to treat his best friend like the idiot a hole that he is by making similar below the belt comments, which is not my style at all. But necessary to defend myself from him.

Well my boyfriend calls his best friend into the house so I can talk it out with him. As usual his defense was that it was all in jest. Now my boyfriend is telling me that I should woman up and fight my own battles. My argument is that his silence this entire time was a sign of disloyalty. He saw me struggling with this situation for a while and said nothing. I have no problem fighting my own battles now. I am learning the ways of the world at this late stage in life but I'm learning. My boyfriend is now angry at me for "making" him choose between me and his best friend. I tell him that I never wanted that and that he was the one to put himself in that situation by calling his friend over that night. I was upset with my boyfriend that night bc his silence, as see it and feel it, is disloyal. As for his friend, yes I was upset with him but I can handle him now. I made up my mind at that point to play his stupid games.

I haven't talked to my boyfriend since then and I maintain my stance that he is disloyal to me and I now know where I fit into his life. I am not as important as I had thought and our shared moments weren't as significant as I thought.

I will not budge on this and I am bothered that my boyfriend says that I am "making" him choose and that I am taking out my frustration with regards to his best friend onto him. Both statements are not true.

I don't think my boyfriend will ever agree that I am not significant in his life , that he feels no sense of loyalty to me. He will always say that I am significant in his lfe and that he is loyal towards me, but as I see it his actions or rather lack of action says the contrary.

He knows I am a late bloomer making sense of life and yet he never helped me in this situation with his best friend.

As I see it, I have few options. If we do decide to give this another chance, things will have to move more slowly than they have been so far. I thought I could count on him, that we had each others back but I realized that wasn't the case. I'm not expecting him to fight my battles, but I do expect him to guide me/strengthen me at my weak spots.

I could have told him my concerns earlier but I don't like to show weakness, so I didn't focus on talking it out with him. Plus I did feel shame for some reason. Anyhow the times that I have, he

always said that his friend was joking.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio

To Veronica....It is a matter of respect. If his best friend doesn't respect you...he also doesn't respect your boyfriends choice to be in a relationship with you.

I told my best friend years ago...."My wife comes first...always." He respected that and still does.

It sounds like his best friend is either jealous or has a problem with sharing attention. Your boyfriend shouldn't have to stand up for you but he should stand with you.

You are always worthy of respect and so is your love.


TamCor profile image

TamCor 6 years ago from Ohio Author

Veronica--Tom said everything that needed to be said about this...:)

Bottom line is you deserve to be truly loved and respected, and if your boyfriend isn't doing that for you, then you may want to think twice about staying involved with him. His priorities seem a little mixed up.

I hope everything works out for you.

Tammy


Keyboard 5 years ago

I recenty divorced my wife of 2 angelic daughters. Been married for 10 years sharp. But I noticed on the 8th year a "felthy generous rich" female friend got into her life which made our communication gets slower.. despite she is friendly also with me... my wife envied her friend's family life (single and younger then her in 10 years).. and slowly drawn into her best friend's family (parents). we lost communicating at home in the last year... I tried helping things up to a limit where i shouldn't regret when i file for Divorce.. but things went more horrible by sticking with her (wife and her best friend) even after seperation and before divorce. Note: seperation happened infront of her friend at home.. but no setback is seen from her friend since seperation until now... their relation got stronger.

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