Gay or Not—Guide to Know If He Is Gay

How You Can Tell If a Guy is Gay

Will and Grace
Will and Grace

Signs That He's Gay

I have seen so many types of gay guys. They are often really good-looking and sweet to talk to, which can lead a girl to thinking she's found a catch—until she realizes she's not his type. If he's cool, then it doesn't matter—you've still found an awesome friend, minus any potential drama.

That is, there's no potential drama unless you can't tell he's gay and try to catch his attention, only to feel rejected. While it's easy to tell some guys are gay at first glance, for others, you need him to tell you before you know for sure. Here are some common signals for different types of gay guys that should help clue you in. These types I describe were actually the guys I worked with in college. Of course, everyone's an individual—he's the only one who can tell you his sexuality for sure!

1. The feminine gay: There is this guy I work with. He puts on heels, has hair clips, and looks a little feminine. In such a case, he's gay more often than not.

2. The calm and quite gay: This guy is gay, but you might not know because he doesn't talk much. To crack this code, befriend him on Facebook, and it might give you a clue. That's how I came to know, because this guy rarely talked and only kind of chuckled when in conversations.

3. The overly friendly gay: At first, this guy's friendliness may be confused for flirting. How did I pick up on the fact that he was gay? I didn't! In fact, I had a tiny crush on him (you can read about our encounter here). After I found out, he continued to be overly affectionate toward me in settings where no one else knew he was gay. When I told him to stop using me to act straight and to just be himself, he told me I was not the first girl to tell him that. With 20/20 hindsight, I can now note that once he literally skipped while walking, and he does call all girls "darling," so there can be little clues!

4. The cool gay: This guy would not show any outward signs of being gay. He just like like any other guy except he does not want to act like a jock all the time, and in group settings, he is usually not looking at girls in that way. If you are harboring a crush and cannot determine whether he's straight, Facebook helps a lot.

Hope that helps. But more often than not, you can never exactly say unless he himself tells you. So just ask him—casually, without sounding like the pope.

Comments 31 comments

brimancandy profile image

brimancandy 6 years ago from Northern Michigan

You left out the hot looking straight stud, whom everyone thinks is nailing a different chick in the company, because someone is spreading rumors that he has just nailed the bosses daughter. If you ask around, a lot of it is nothing more than just rumors, and it doesn't matter if the guy is gay or straight, it's usually made up lies...just like the office whore.

Some very masculine gay men, who want to remain closeted will tell stories on conquest, and hope that it gets around to hide the fact that the only person in the company he has been nailing, is the guy who drives the delivery truck, and usually in the back of it.

Come on, to be able to tell who is and who isn't gay is way more complicated then appearance and mannerisms. I know plenty of very masculine hot guys, who act like any normal straight guy, who are some of the biggest gay sex pigs on the planet. I know, because I have had sex with them. And, even some of those encounters were a shock.

You can't tell who is gay. If you could, nobody would ever have to struggle to come out to their parents, or worry that someone at work migh discover their secret.

The only way you are going to know if someone is truly gay, is if they go around telling everyone about it.

There are several guys that I used to know, whom I learned were gay. Some, I wish I had known about, because I would have liked to date them. And, some that just surprised the crap out of me.

You really want to try to figure it out, try figuring out which one of your lady friends or aquaintences are a lesbian. That's a mystery all by itself.


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 6 years ago from United States Author

I know you can never say someone is, just by looking at him, that is why at the end I said - "But more often than not, you can never exactly say unless he himself tells you. So just ask him, like casually, without sounding like the pope."

That's what I did I asked my friends If I had a doubt.


brimancandy profile image

brimancandy 6 years ago from Northern Michigan

Hey Kewlwriter.

I mainly post my thoughts on your hub, just in case someone might want an opinion from someone who is gay.

I would not suggest to anyone that they should ask someone if they are gay, unless of course that person is directly related to you...certainly not a co-worker or even your best friend. Let them tell you on their own.

I once had a co-worker, (friend) ask me if I was gay, and I thought I could trust her to keep a secret, and the next thing I knew, everyone I worked with knew I was gay. The women were all cool with it, but, I couldn't get through the day without guys suddenly asking me if

getting pounded in the rear...hurt or not.

I would just look at them, and say yeah. It hurts like hell, that's why I don't do it. Yet they automatically assume that is what gay guys do. It's actually very surprising to learn how many straight guys want to know the answer to that question, along with other sexual scenes...using the old "I'm not saying I'm gay...but, would you want me if I was?" questions like that.

I say keep your questions to yourself. If he or she trusts you enough with their sexual identity, they will have no problem talking to you about it. Heck I know one guy who went out of his way to tell everyone...hoping maybe he might even get lucky.

I'll just say that when people ask me if I am gay, it makes me very uncompfortable. I mean, why should it matter to them? I never ask them if they are straight, so what is the big deal?


brimancandy profile image

brimancandy 6 years ago from Northern Michigan

I also noticed you have a couple good gay films in your hub. Latter Days, and Shelter, were both pretty good movies. Brad Rowe is a total hunk!


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 6 years ago from United States Author

I can totally understand how gossipy kind of girlfriends ruin your life. I wrote this hub mainly for girls who want to know if a guy she is interested in Gay or not. Since I had such a hard time and ended up liking this gay guy, I said just ask, incase a girl starts liking someone who could be just more feminine or gay [there is a difference there :)]. So I am not sure with what intent this co-worker asked you but I would ask a guy only if I was interested in him but for some reason I had a doubt.

Yes, I do like the movies Latter days and shelter because they show Love as Love and not as something which is different for men-women and men-men relationships. I just like these movies which happen to have a homosexual relationship.


Richard Maies 6 years ago

Does it really matter if someone you know is gay? What should matter is if you had intentions of intimacy with someone, you'd then like to know their sexual preference.

As a gay man, I believe in equality, labels are labels and people are people. In conversation you learn more about people than what the 'label' describes.


brimancandy profile image

brimancandy 6 years ago from Northern Michigan

Hey KewlWriter;

The girl that asked me if I was gay, was married with 3 kids. It just so happens that she saw me looking at this very handsome business man while we worked, and, she commented on how I was looking at him...like I was in love with him or something...how she put it.

I guess my face must have got as red as a tomato, and, she just looked at me, and said you're gay aren't you. I can tell. Then she just weaseled it out of me. And, when I said yes she laughs...and says I knew it!! But, promissed that it would be our little secret.

But, yes, I later had a few girls who came up to me, and said it's too bad that you're gay, because I was hoping you were going to ask me out sometime. And, I was shocked. I also had one who claimed she would spend a night "converting" me.

Now I know why some straight men pretend to be gay, it's a total chick magnet. As those girls rarely ever talked to me, and suddenly I couldn't get them to leave me alone! So, it was a very weird experience. I even had one of my male co-workers ask me if I thought he was hot.

He was very hot. But, he was also only 18, so I kept my mouth shut. I just said, you are a very good looking guy. Someone later told me that he said he was gay too. Of course after he no longer worked there! DARN!!


jarge 4 years ago

please tell me why i like boys?


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 4 years ago from United States Author

Dear jarge,

No one can tell you why you like boys. But if you do, you have to accept it and accept yourself for being gay. Let me tell you, only you can live your life as you want and let no one else tell you what you are. When you know who you are, and for other people to accept you you have to accept yourself and move one.


ME!!!! 4 years ago

Okay, so here's the thing. I am in middle school and I'm gay.I like a jock who I caught a couple of times glancing at me, but he says that he is straight. What should. I do if I really like him??????


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 4 years ago from United States Author

Well the same rules apply in any type of attraction. If he says he is straight, he probably is. Many people look at others just to look at their dressing style, their attitudes etc. It's just a human experience of "people watching". I think you should look else where for romance. Sorry kiddo, but you are still young!! :)


ME!!!!! 4 years ago

True, but I said I was straight until a couple of months ago, so he could just be in the closet still


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 4 years ago from United States Author

You have to give him time to do his thing. I am sorry but it's his life. You can't force anyone to come out of the closet, if he wants to he will. If you can't wait for him, then move on. Lot's of fish in the sea.


Me again... 4 years ago

I guess ur right :/


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 4 years ago from United States Author

Don't be disheartened. You are in middle school, you have your whole life ahead of you and I am pretty sure you will break some hearts in your day too ;). You will find your "Mr. Right" someday!!


Me 4 years ago

Thank you so much for the help! And thanks for the advice! You really should do this for a living!


bbitguy 4 years ago

I am new to the site and this may not be the proper thread. If so, I apologize. I struggle with the perception that I am gay, when I am clearly not! What does a guy have to do to prove his heterosexuality? I am married, have children, I even lift weights, yet I am constantly percieved as gay. I don't have a problem with gays, but I am a committed hetero. I don't want to come on too strong against this image and be labeled a closet queen.


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 4 years ago from United States Author

@me - glad I could be of help.

@bbitguy - I understand what you are saying. You just don't want to be stereotyped correct? There may be few things that you want to check which could be your blind spots and hence people thinking you are gay.

1. Your walk - Might wanna record yourself walking from front and behind and see if your walk is feminine.

2. Do you have a baby face? consider maintaining facial hair.

3. Mannerisms - talk, head shaking, sitting etc. Again record yourself or talk to a friend who can watch you and tell you where you might be giving off wrong impressions.

Let me know what you found out! Good Luck.


Nonya 4 years ago

Is it gay if i want to be a female


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 4 years ago from United States Author

If you are a man and want to be a female, you are not necessarily gay, but you are transsexual. Many transsexual men are not gay but fancy women, they just want to dress like a woman.

You are gay when you want to have sex with other men. You need to think about yourself. Do you just want to be dressed like a women? Do you want to be a women? Do you want to have sex with men? Delve deeper into your inner self. Hope you can find yourself and all the answers you are looking for.


rebeccaleone 4 years ago

I have an on-and-off boyfriend whose sexuality confuses the heck out of me. We live in an area that has a lot of gay guys so we hang out with them sometimes. My friend has lived in this neighborhood his whole life and knows EVERYBODY. When he runs into his gay friends, he almost always either hugs them or pecks them on the cheek when he greets them. Gay guys will ask him to dance and he will with his arm around the guy's waist. He told me the other day that he went as a cheerleader for Halloween when he was a kid. Had the little pleated skirt and everything. Most people who meet him for the first time [including me] assume he's gay. I could care less if he's gay, bisexual, hetereo, whatever and told him that. He just says he's not gay. He's not overly effeminate or homophobic. I ust can't figure out what's with the way he acts with gay men. It's over the top.


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 4 years ago from United States Author

First of all I am so sorry for these confused feelings on behalf of him, can be really frustrating. First things first, if he tells you EVERYTHING and is comfortable sharing "the little cheerleader" information and tells you he is not gay, he probably is NOT gay then. Please consider the fact that most people really "do in rome as romans do". Some people just bring out a whole another personality in us, and I think growing in that neighborhood, he is very comfortable with and accustomed to his gay friends.

The part about dancing, I am not sure how I feel because I would not want my BF dancing with another girl with the arm around, but may be because he does not feel attracted to men he is able to do that comfortably in front of you, I donno, I am not in the situation to notice, but my best bet is to talk to him how you feel about the dance. And gauge his reaction on what he says, probably will say, he' s just 'dancing' with friends, no big deal. Guys!!!

But finally, sweetie, go with your gut feeling, if a relationship does not feel right then it probably isn't. Use the instrument the universe gave you, effectively - 'womanly instincts'. Hope everything works out for you :)


Darkmoon 4 years ago

I had this friend who i hung out with all the time and he had like biker chick posters and stuff but he always acted out of place not like something was wrong but like he was hiding something he didn't.

I asked him if he was bi or anything and he said no, but what get's me is that one night me and him was wrestling he was laughing, smiling and having fun, well during the wrestling me and him got a little close and he got a hard-on.

I wondered if he was lying i asked him again politely and he still said no then later i brung up that night and he denied it like it never happened even though after his hard-on he was still laughing and smiling.

I am pretty sure he was bi or curious maybe both but he didn't know how people would take it he was scared, it took me several years to come out to people because society doesn't show good interest in us but he gave hints so keep a good eye out and watch, not what's happening in front of you but behind you.


connect2u 3 years ago

Do you know of any reason why a person would apologize for something that they claim never happened?

Out t of the corner of my eye I saw this guy was staring at me (while doing what it looked like other stuff to himself) in the elevator at work

When I emailed him about it, he responded "I offer my deepest apologies for alegedly staring at you for a full floor length ride".

My thought is that :

#1-- why would he apologize for something that he obviously claims never happened

#2-- Why use DEEPLY apologize....in fact, why apologize at all

#3--Obviously it did happen or else why would he 'apologize' in the first place

think he sounds gay

Its been a few months since this happened and I'm hesitant to email him again as to what he might say


KewlWriter profile image

KewlWriter 3 years ago from United States Author

@connect2u: The phrasing of his sentence just makes it look like he was being arrogant in the email. I think he is sarcastic using "deepest" and was just showing attitude using "full floor length ride". And when someone uses "allegedly" it most certainly means that they think someone is blaming them for it, which they do not accept.

Sounds to me he is just a jerk, I would not think much of it or think much about him and move on. Gay or not I am not sure this is very out of context. Hope this helps.


annonymous 2 years ago

There is this fellow I know who won't "talk about being gay" and that's "its painful" to even maintain friendly relations with women! He is weird, someone who won't accept how contradictory he sounds and acts. His best bet is to act vague and innocent. I got called up by the BF once with "nothing can happen." I just did not understand this fellow! He is a loner and says "he's done", "he's been with humans" and that " I am playing with his emotions!" His voice dies most of the time he talks as though nothing is left in life and he simply fucks around , the one


Anonymus 2 years ago

You should add the "Stereotypical Gay"

I had a classmate who fit a lot of the stereotypes for gays.

Is it off that I'm 3 of these?


JPS3 2 years ago

Check this article, pretend to be gay to meet girls

http://www.thexygeneration.com/xy-relations/meet-g...


kimberly 2 years ago

Hey I had this girl like me but she said she wasn't really like that but she had a gf n that shit made me very confuse but her actions spoke louder den words


Jake 2 years ago

Well...i pretty much wasted a whole year thinking about him, Wait. I must tell the highlighted parts of my story. It all started beggining of 8th grade. I saw this really attractive guy. It was like i could feel these vibes he was giving off, Gay. Anyways a month later i started to make eye contact with him. Caught him almost everytime. Then 2 months later my friend urged me to ask him out. I had him do it because im extremely shy. His response "Ew bieng gay is gross" wow. Was he like looking at casper the whole time? Because almost everyday after that he would stare! Ive forgotten most of the details but one of the most bizzare things he did, Around Christmas break i was standing by my classroom with a friend waiting for the teacher to come unlock the door. My friend had just brought a teddy bear a gave it to me to hold. Then this little shit decides to walk up to me and grab that shit like nothing happened between us in the past 4 months. So im just standing there in shock and he throws it back. The next semester he continued to stare. I caught him staring strait at me one time aswell. Then this other day i got up to get paper. Some girl gets in my way so i end up taking a step back...He's right there behind me. I end up stepping on his foot and my shoulder ends up meeting his mouth...Can lord have mercy? Naw. Now im out and proud wearing a little bit of eyeliner and mascara, I had made some more girl friends. So this relentless fool decides to literally always be near and around my new friends when im around them. -.- I need answers. Is he a closeted gay that actually wanted to date me but couldent for At home reasons/Stuff like that. Was he just an asshole that likes to flirt with gay guys then watch as we chase after. Or is he just one of them feminen straight guys? Im probably gunna see him in highschool. Thanks for reading and sorry for it bieng so long. :p


Ba'al 2 years ago

This is really poorly written. Proofreading is not optional. I'm not talking about content. I'm addressing sentence structure and grammar. This reads like something written by an eighth grader.

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