Getting Even With "Bud Spence," "Frat Bully," 20 Years Later
"Bud Spence," left, vomits on you, always, at frat parties
"Frat Bully," always the center of attention
Just who is "Bud Spence"?
Good question. Many have sought to answer that inquiry over the years, but all have fell short. But you, my emotionally-bruised friend, know full-well who "Bud Spence," is. He is nothing more than a common "Frat Bully," the one frat brother who took you under his foot and helped you learn just how gullible you were when the fraternity house, Alpha Delta Tekka Thi, overwhelmingly-accepted you on "Pledge Night," without one vote. Surely you made some kind of history.
"Bud Spence," drunk, on bottom acts like a dog to impress a pretty cheerleader
"Bud Spence," always the drunken guy that the network camera catches at your college football game that is nationally-televised
"Bud Spence," always said, "do this with me. It will be cool"
"Bud Spence," is nothing new
frat bullies have been around as long as water. These guys, mostly, are not that dumb. They have used people like you all throughout their lazy lives. From grade school through high school, finally college. "You," should be honored, I guess, that "Bud Spence," drew your name from the top hat and made you his errand boy, wing man, and sometimes, his roll of Charmin. At least that is how you still feel today, 20 years later, at your college 20 Year Reunion.
As you sit at an obscure table wearing your, "Hi, I'm "so and so," tag, the ones with the neat blue border and thanks to the modern-miracle: Adhesive, is sticking pretty well to your left shirt pocket. No one really knew you that well in your four-years of college--with the exception of a few close frat brothers-- true brothers, friends who suffered with you as "Bud Spence," "Frat Bully," used you for a cob and degraded you worse than Satan ever dreamed.
"Bud Spence" always got away with improper advances with chicks, but not you
A little background on "Frat Bully"
- Always dressed cool and in-style because he stole most of his clothes.
- Loud-mouthed and never in trouble for he would stand behind people to yell.
- A true "Yes man," and "Butt kisser," just to get ahead of people.
- A jerk who disrespected women, but they seemed to love it.
- A bona fide liar from his mother's womb.
- A cheater in every way--from relationships to copying your theme for mid-term.
"Frat Bully," started ugly rumors on you to tarnish your name
Guess which one is "Bud Spence"?
A few things that "Frat Bully," did to you
- Cheated on his girlfriend with your girlfriend and told your girlfriend you were gay.
- Stole your emergency credit card number for kegs of beer. And you paid for them.
- Let it slip, well, lied to college professors that you were bi-polar.
- Put you up for membership in a sorority for lesbians only.
- Ran-over your pet rabbit that your sister gave you at your birthday party when he was drunk.
- When caught in a lie, would tell you more lies to get out of being caught in a lie.
"Bud Spence," left, guzzles free beer he conned off a stranger, right
"Frat Bully Posse"
Back to your 20-year reunion
Since May, 1972, you have dwelt on this one thing: How to make your sworn-nemesis, "Bud Spence," "Frat Bully," get just a taste of what he made you taste those four years in college.
This is your 20-year reunion. Things are pretty laid-back, casual, as you watch your classmates stroll in and sign the register for this special night. Your wife chose to stay at home, but you had that base covered years ago when part of your plan was to hire a professional actress to be your wife on this "night of nights." Sure it cost you a thousand bucks, but it will be well worth it.
You cannot help but smile to yourself as your imagination starts projecting hilarious images of how "Bud Spence," will meet his match before this night is over. And no one will ever know whom the culprit was who did him in. But you know that maybe somewhere in his self-absorbed, demented thinking, he will figure it out, but cannot prove it.
A self-centered "Bud Spence" shows-off for any camera
"Bud Spence," always shows his butt at social events
See "Bud Spence" smile that sleazy smile
Here is your list
Of things that you have planned to do to "Bud Spence": "Frat Bully:\
- While "Bud," is inside bragging and being his usual wind-bag lying self about how successful he is, you will have the truth about his life, thanks to a buddy of yours who works for the F.B.I., broadcast over the P.A. system and the T.V. monitors that are located inside this civic auditorium that "you" were instrumental in helping to rent just for this occasion.
- "Someone," you have paid, (but they refused to take your money for they wanted to do this for you), will be waiting in the shadows outside in the parking area when "Bud," arrives in his Bentley, that he rented, and somehow, a bag of sugar will be "accidentally," poured into his gas tank.
- A girl you also paid, who is really expecting a baby, will attend this reunion and tell your classmates that she is "Bud's" wife and she cannot get him to own-up to being the baby's father.
- When "Bud" has to use the rest room, someone will be waiting for him inside and accidentally slip and fall on him spilling itching powder on his "privates."
- The food "Bud Spence," chooses at the buffet will all have big amounts of laxatives inside.
- The chair that "Bud Spence" chooses to sit in, no matter what chair he chooses, will fall apart allowing him to hit the marble floor with his fat butt.
- When "Bud Spence," just has to show people how good he can dance, another friend of yours will "accidentally" squirt Dawn dishwashing liquid under his feet and this will only get worse as he hits the floor to spin to impress people with his break-dancing moves.
- The punch will be spiked but not with booze, but with L.S.D. and you and your friends will be highly-entertained as "Bud Spence," is video taped acting like a crazed rhino singing, "America The Beautiful," while butting the stage with his "horn," which is just his nose.
- When the L.S.D. trip wears off, a professional WWE wrestler, Tripe H, (in disguise,) will show up and "act" like someone who "Bud" made fun of in one of his college stunts and proceed to "wipe the floor" up with him.
- Six or seven starving dogs will run wild after "Bud" and take chunks of meat from his shins simply because yet another friend has sprayed his pant legs with "Ribeye"-smelling cologne.
"Bud Spence," of course, is not a real name, but a composite of all the names of frat and common bullies you faced and fought during high school and college.
To everyone who is really named "Bud Spence," I did not mean any harm, degradation or tarnish to your good name. It was simply a literary need that I had to use "Bud Spence.
Thanks for reading my hubs,
Coming soon . . . "Things That Girls Hate to See Guys Do"
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