Happier Single or Happier Married?

Are some people just meant to have a lot of cats?

Only kidding...making an age old joke about the cat lady, a spinster/single woman who has a house full of cats. But it makes you wonder if some people are meant to be single. With the divorce rate at 50/50% we could take a wild guess that a perpetual single life applies to about half the population.

I absolutely believe some people are not meant to be married or even in a life-long romantic relationship/partnership. Hmmm...definitely my husband's older brother who's been married 6 times (currently divorced). Our culture suggests otherwise. Everybody should find that one person even if it takes a few times. It's bad enough if you are single, but if you want to be single....WHOA watch out for the backlash. You might be labeled a hermit, anti-social, weird, or gay (sorry about the lack of political correctness).

We search, it's almost an innate quest, for that one true love. Someone worthy of spending our lives with. Since the beginning of time, people have divided up and decided upon roles in various ways on various terms, but one thing always remains constant...two people working at life together, side by side.

Men: What does single life look like for a man? In general I think men do a little better getting away with being acceptably single. He's perhaps just a bachelor, good-looking guy playing the field, being choosy. But even those guys, like George Clooney, can't get away with it forever. At some point people begin to wonder 'what the hell is wrong with you'?

A guy friend of mine recently married, finally, for the first time at age 39. Why did he wait so long? I pin-pointed that out approximately 13 years ago when we first became friends. Immediately upon visiting his house one day, I noted his mom stopped by for her once-a-day-visit and began doing his laundry, brought him some dinner, and cleaned his house. What's wrong with this scenario...well he doesn't need another woman with his mom hanging out all the time and not many progressive women of the 21st century are going to be his maid...unless he pays really well.

In psychology, we would just chalk this scenario up to his mom loving him too much. Yes, most of men's relationship issues are either mom loved him too much or not enough. Biologically speaking, men have an eternal seed, so to speak and can father children into their golden years so we don't put too much pressure on them for being single for a while.

Women: Women, however, are waiting a while to get married. Longer than ever in history. Many will say it's on purpose and many will attest to wanting that special someone but not finding Mr. Right (Disclaimer: just because I mentioned Mr. Right doesn't mean he exists. He doesn't). Women can literally obtain all they need (and want), by themselves. They don't need a man and biologically speaking, they don't even need a man to have a baby. But I think deep down women do want to find their eternal partner. And the biggest problem is they're pickier than ever. All the guys they passed up in their 20's are looking pretty damn good in their 30's but too damn bad they're married.

Some myths have been fed to women about not needing a man. I never thought of getting married the equivalent to needing someone. Yes, we could all do everything by ourselves, but for some this may or may not be fulfilling. That is a personal question for yourself. Ladies, when you look like Demi Moore you can get that young, hot Aston Kutcher when you're 40. Otherwise, marriage or partnerships should be on the front burner and you really need to think about whether you are the happier married person or happier single person.

If you're not ok being by yourself for the rest of your life, then thinking about finding someone should not be a goal after you travel, after you get a career, after everything else. Hollywood sells you headlines such as "40 is the new 30" ( if you have a maid to take care of your babies and lots of money to get IVF treatments to have babies at 40+).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not pushing marriage onto women, or anybody else, but I'm in that age bracket where many of my friends (guys and gals) are feeling the effects of waiting...wondering why they can't find anyone to share their life with. That's why I'm writing this hub. I want everyone to start thinking about this question before you go along with society's age-old tradition of finding your other half- maybe that's not right for you so free yourself of the angst and get on with life. Or maybe you think you have a lot to accomplish in your 20's and love can wait.

Susan Sarandon and Richard Gere in 'Shall we Dance?'
Susan Sarandon and Richard Gere in 'Shall we Dance?'

Favorite quote for the married folks...

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'."~~ Susan Sarandon in SHALL WE DANCE (movie).

...And this is probably why I am married. It's true. I love being by myself. I love solitude, but I also love philosophy and if I ask myself at the end of the day, 'what does it all mean'?, I can answer 'it means a lot' because my life is very intertwined with my significant other- our kids, our lives have grown together and he pretends to care what I had for breakfast if I tell him. I've always been big on the small stuff and that's where you find meaning.

Tying the Knot: Best Types for Marriage

I believe my husband was meant to be married- he's loved the idea of it since he was 18. He's very traditional and loves the comforting and familiar. On the other hand, I was opposite. I saw my parent's marriage fail so I wanted no part of it- planned my life to be single. In fact, I shocked a whole graduating class(mine) when I finally got married. Nobody in high school thought I would. I'm very independent in nature and getting married was a leap into the unknown for me. However, if I had stayed single I would have been just fine, but 'just fine' doesn't seem like much fun to me.

And this is why I can give only generalizations for the typical marrying type: 

  • You've been planning your wedding since you were four.
  • You value traditional values. Tend to be very faithful and loyal.
  • Responsible in your own life and realize the responsibilities that come with marriage; shared finances, possible illnesses (you or your spouse), children.
  • You personally want to find someone, not your mom hounding you, or because all your friends are married, or you're reaching a certain age.
  • You envision your life similar to a freind's marriage or parent's marriage.
  • You want one person to share your life with.

Ball and Chain: Best Types for Being Single

According to Psychology Today online blog, Bella Depaulo, suggest some traits are inherent in those that do better being single. Yes, some people break the myth of our social culture and do fine without a significant other. And for God's sake can cease the madness, that tortuous search for their soul mate. She states, "American culture is saturated with matrimania, the over-the-top hyping of weddings and coupling"..."45 percent of all adults are unmarried. Americans now spend more years of their adult lives unmarried than married".

You can put your feet up...and do whatever you want (no one else to tell you otherwise), but you may need some of these traits:

  • When you think about time alone, you breathe a sigh of relief and happy thoughts occur.
  • Being lonely never crossed your mind.
  • You like to make your own decisions without someone else involved.
  • When you think about marriage or long-term relationships, it seems like something you "should do", but maybe don't personally want to.
  • When you think of important people in your life, you're fine with it being a mix of family members and friends.
  • You prefer making future plans by yourself without anyone else (maybe friends only).
  • When something bad happens, you like handling it by yourself, maybe call a friend.

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Comments 50 comments

gmwilliams profile image

gmwilliams 4 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

Thoroughly enjoyed this hub. I have been single all my life and my choice. The very thought of someone mentioning the word "marriage" to me would always get an extremely sharp retort from me! I viewed marriage as akin to imprisonment i.e. once one is married it is bye bye freedom and autonomy. I once thought of marriage once in my life when I was a child but as I got older, I wanted to be single with a career. The thought of being saddled down with husband and children actually nonplussed me to the extreme! I love being single and do not see why so many people are so anxious to get married.

You are correct in stating that society programs people for marriage and it programs people to be parents whether they want it or not. Not everyone is meant to be married. This society still subconsciously assert that single people are somehow "lesser" than married people i.e. less mature, less stable, and less responsible. Everything is couples, couples, couples! It seems that the word "alone" is akin to a 4-letter word. It is as if "1" is a demoniac number. Well, there is nothing wrong at all with being single if that is what one chooses! Again, you have made some excellent points in this hub! Voted up!

Mellonyy profile image

Mellonyy 4 years ago

I think you guessed the most common problem: yes, we are pickier than ever. That's why we are staring all the time around, how to find our soulmate, in most of the cases, unsuccessfully.

Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada

"At some point people begin to wonder 'what the hell is wrong with You"?" - Nothing, I just don't feel like conforming. LOL

Yes, I am one of those: "You might be labeled a hermit, anti-social, weird". For those who like putting labels on people.

"In general I think men do a little better getting away with being acceptably single." - That sounds a little sexist (lol).

"They don't need a man and biologically speaking, they don't even need a man to have a baby" - I am not that great with science and stuff but how does a woman's egg get fertilized without the men's sperm? Just curious, I never knew women can give birth without any need of men.

"in that age bracket where many of my friends (guys and gals) are feeling the effects of waiting" - It's good that there are "many" of them, that way if they do want to get married eventually they can do so amongst each other ...

"•When you think about time alone, you breathe a sigh of relief and happy thoughts occur." - Yes! : )

It`s not that I don`t like people (lol), I just like being by myself a lot. I dont mind being in close proximity to people and chatting once in a while but being alone is totally cool with me. I depend less on people, makes things easier. Obviously we are social animals so, the family, the community, etc. are needed.

Fun read. Thank You.

All the best!

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

gtmwilliams~ absolutely agree. I think I would have survived just fine being either married or single. Luckily I have a husband who respects my alone-time because I certainly need it.

Before getting married, my friends would be amazed at how I was just fine going to a movie, out to eat, all by myself and for me it was second nature. Yes, society has programmed people in a way that something must be wrong with them if they don't want to find a spouse. Too bad. You may enjoy some more of Bella Depaulo's articles. She has spent her life single and writes about it, blogging for Psychology Today. Mabye Google her. SOme interesting stuff.

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Mellonyy~ you are correct. I htink the perfect person is someone who allows you to be yourself. That's golden right there! Most people are looking for perfection assuming they are perfect. People are looking ofr a soul mate and yet soul mate has so many elusive definitions.

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Mr Happy~ Yes, I think men can get away with being single better than women- not really me inparticular, but society in general accepts it better. Perhaps you kow more on that than me since you're a guy so I'll leave that one to you. Many of the statements I'm making in this hub are purposeful reflections of society- to get my point across.

Yes, I knew someone would confront me on the women needing a man to have a baby. Well, literally I have two friends who walked into a building, utilized a doctor and now have two babies- and literally no man was involved in that particular process for them. Yes, they used sperm but no man was present in the way they conceived the baby. So now that we can do that, I think you seee my point here, women can get a baby if they want one...with no contact with a man.

I totally agree with you. I can answer yes to a lot of the single stuff...maybe all. But humans are very adaptable and somehow I ended up married anyway. Neer thought I would but here I am and it helps to have someone who knows you well. I love being by myself sometimes chalked it up to being an only child, but I get revived after periods of being alone. So I know these types of people exist.

Thanks for your comment.

KT Banks profile image

KT Banks 4 years ago from Texas

I've been giving this subject some thought lately. I find myself surprised that I have been so happily married for 25 years. Although I have been married more than once, I didn't really think of myself as the marrying type. I never dreamed about weddings or marriage as a kid, like some say they do. And I've always thought I would probably be just as happy single. Until lately...

Lately, I look at my husband and realize that I'm now to a point that I can't imagine my life without him. And I find that scary. I think that now, I would feel lost without him. Where did my independent self go? Part of me wants to start making sure he takes his vitamins and starts being more careful. But I love the wild daredevil part of him too much to try to stifle that.

So, I was always someone who thought being single seemed more enticing. The absolute freedom of it sounds wonderful. But now after so many thrilling years together, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Maybe it is just because - somehow, I did find the right one, for me.

graceomalley profile image

graceomalley 4 years ago

I have read that the research says married men report the highest levels of happiness, and single women the second highest.

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

KTBanks~ I'm with you but just married for 7 years, not 25 (wow congrats). I never imagined weddings or babies as a kid. Hell the first baby I held and diaper I changed was my own daughter.

Perhaps in our case we had no dream ideal situation and there was no fantasy about marriage therefore it's a pleasant surprise. At least thats the way I feel.

It sound great between you and yours, so happy for you and thanks for sharing your thoughts here.

El Seductor~ I used to feel that way too, but the person I was with at the time (my husband now) knew I was very independent and I knew he secretly feared losing me. Honestly it was the one thing/gift I could give him to show I loved him as much as he loved me. He is a very traditional person and if it means a lot to him then it's no skin off my back.

But certainly if both people prefer to live together then that's fine too. i think more and more people are doing this. Also, being married, it's a lot harder to just walk out when the going gets tough. Having weathered tough times with my husband, if I wasn't married to him I might have wlaked out a couple times, but now so glad I haven't. After 7 years we've found our groove and know how to weather without quitting. We also know we'll make it and be that much better. I lived with 3 other guys beore my husband and I left all of them- going got tough, I got going. Now I'm glad I got my act together and stick something out.

graceomalley~ you are right. Yes, it benefits men to be married. Research has confirmed this fo decades now. Single women are usually without kids and I think that's a big stressor. Love mine, but I know it's a lot of stress. Studies also show women with kids make less money than women without and men with kids make more money then men without. Thanks for stopping by.

El Seductor~ That's some good thoughts. Very funny too!

Married men live longer too and I think that's because wives are making sure they're healthy, get checkups, and take vitamins, and stop having fun. lol.

graceomalley profile image

graceomalley 4 years ago

On that topic of who lives longer - men with wives to look after them live longer, but having a husband doesn't increase a woman's lifespan. Guess what does - having a close female friend. Women - we keep the world alive :)

jeanine 4 years ago

I am in love for 43 years now...

"I fall short, telling him how I feel...walking by... I can't help but notice his gate... I recognize his laugh in the crowd... his fragrance compliments each garden as he walks...there just ahead.... His wisdom... although unconventional... is a place, for me to convene....I'm in forty years...I still sigh.. catching my breathe. .. clueless on becoming one...with the one...that's been the most beautiful one.... to me..."

there is a feeling of being complete as one holds the child that you and another have created... the kindness within the childs eyes, their sweet touch, opens massive doors to the soul. We have three children and each are so unique unto themselves... when one realizes you are holding someone who is not like anyone else except they are like you and your loved one, then there is great release into the creative... my self I have seen the dream of what He might have been like as a child, but still knowing each child is not like the father or the mother in all their ways... so with that one piece of knowledge hope is born anew each day... along hope ... love makes its way to each of us... marriage is really about the children I would say and for man to feel needed... and for the woman to feel cherished.... I think if we were not expecting so much from marriage they would be far less divorce... I never expected to fall in love... I just did...lol... lets face it in marriage women far out give the man in nurturing but she also enjoys his nurturing of what she has planned for the growth in family and in what He might learn... I have found that most men do not dream of families so therefore they can be pleasantly surprised or totally shocked by the way women handle them and lets face it girls men are like boxers...lol... they need a handler... how can someone that talented put on two different socks or wear the same under for more than a day...ewwwwwwwww...lol...but hey without a wife... I'm sure that most men would be naked and unshaven neanderthals walking around...lol...

I can see why women of the day do not marry... men, if unprepared for how to grow financial can be a drag upon her dreams... and more and more women see this and are really becoming the educated elite... and I can understand having a child without what's his name... because you get to have total control on what the child receives as his or her teachings... I always think this is a great idea... until I go down to the clinic and just watch for an hour or so and see the guys that are going in to donate their sperm.... ewwwwwwwww and double ewwwwwwwwww...lol... I am sure on that day... I want to choose what my childs inherited traits might be... plus if you find a guy who is secure in himself... he can be the most fun... life is just a dream... but I also know that it can be a nightmare... so it's how well we are able to weather the storms..." if one has an aversion to getting wet... best not to stand in the rain... but if one can hear the presence of the rain and realize it's just part of the song... then the rain is such an interesting place to sing"... and I know how romantic and out of touch that sounds to some of you... I am with KT Banks on this one... to be with the one you love is quite enough for me... to hear those words " I love you sweet heart is an amazing thing for me... love is an amazing thing... not just what Hollywood says but the real life living of a life shared is like nothing I ever dreamed... unique to it's own self... love is still the most unusual ride at the carnival.... but then ah ha... I here you saying... I don't really like the carnival.... that's where I differ... I absolutely love it... the rides, the smells, the pain and sorrow... the holding of ones heart and the caring for another life can be so intoxicating... "so child like in his laughter... so God like in his weepings"... I would say a good marriage is blessed with selective memory.... just like child birth... which of us would have another child if we only remembered the pain....none.... I love this hub Izettl... hope you are well... tell your bunch hello and I'm sending love your way....

Jeanine 4 years ago

plus, I love that men have that competitive nature... they just seem to want to win... it doesn't seem to matter what they win... they just want to win... there is a joy that surpasses their last greatest joy when they get to do that and they need someone to share that with... so I think I like that about marriage the best.... he seems to hold on to the little boy in himself longer if the woman in his life can help him win... I do like that a lot... obviously I don't know much about being single... except is was just as interesting as anything I ever did... to know oneself is the greatest memory of being single to me... to have had the time to know the real me... the single me... I'm sure would have been just as interesting... have a great life... in which ever you choose... I've learned through love... that we are all changed for the better... love multiplies to the point you can't hold it all,.... so,... one must learn where to store it... marriage is a great place to invest your love... you invest it in your self as you are single... but if one remains single... the investment dies with you or in those you have helped... in marriage all love is multiplied in and through your family and even if there are no children... your investment is still doubled... even in divorce... that person carries some of the good you gave with them... I guess I was a sucker for being held and whispered to early mornings... large pillows, the sound of rain, singing on a tin roof... sounds of his breathing and the sound of passions release... marriage is music to the mind... the sound of loves attempt... at making each of us complete...

Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I definitely fall into the category of those that best leave marriage alone according to Psychology Today's list. Too bad finding out took my youth. I waste not a moment "torturing myself looking for a soulmate". My torture was two marriages that insisted I to meld into their plans. When I could hardly contain my relief and joy at their out-of-town business trips, I knew I was serving time. My time alone, though financially destitute, has been a source of personal enrichment. Circumstances have changed me. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, I am responsible for myself. And, in coming into my own, I know nothing is impossible, and I may well meet a man who loves me authentically for me and I for him. But, the best case scenario is the man who is a complete person, happy in his own skin. Living separately yet loving each other is the man who would suit me to a tee. Joined at the hip weighs me down. I could love the right man who feels the same.

Very provocative article, izettl, that gives everyone of us something to consider carefully, hopefully, sooner rather than later.

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

graceomalley~ well if I can get my female friends to stop for a minute I could be closer to them, but it seems like every woman I know my age is going a million miles per hour and once we had kids, I never see them anymore. Sad but true. I've got great lifelong guy buddies though. Wonder how that is on the health scale?

Amy~ I hear you I spent too many years, not married, but in a couple of long relationships going nowhere or at least nowhere good because I was afraid to be financially reposnsible on my own. Finally did it and was by myself for a few years- loved it and met my husband now after my single time. Glad I had that time. I believe I have a partner now and that's a good feeling. Never feels I'm giving more or less, feels just right. Don't believe the soul mate thing. I had a boyfriend who I swear was my soul mate and he died in an accident so I don't think God or whoever or whatever let's us decide completely who falls into our life or whether we even know whats best for us aynway.

jeanine 4 years ago

hang in there Amy... you are beautiful inside and out.... he will find you when you least expect it....

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jeanine~ wow as usual your words blow me away.

Many women now view marriage as holding them back. Sad. But men do make things interesting yes with the competitive thing. But so many women also have that too so much so that they are almost a little or a lot of both. They don't see the need for a man so they go for hte ones they WANT which are trouble.

I especially love how you talk about marriage as an investment. Oh God yes, I finally feel like my marriage is right on track after 7 years and funny thing is it will still evolve and that has a lot to do with the invesments made into it and how you view it- hurt or help you.

Yes Jeanine such wonderful way with your words. You complete my hub! lol

Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Dear Jeanine, I'm not looking so all the better for something good to happen. It's when I was on the prowl that I got what I deserved! In all honesty, I had something to prove, because I had no self-esteem. It was all about me, not the other person. The past couple of years have been an awakening for me. I am so much more...how can I say.....me.....I am not needy, which I believe equates to maturity and better apt to be an authentically involved, real partner in a relationship. I am happy on my own. I could be happy in the right relationship. I'm good either way. I believe, Jeanine, you hit the nail on the head when you say "he will find you when you least expect it". I've found the best happens when I am involved in something outside my own small world. It doesn't have to be a big production, for example, just helping my mom with her grocery shopping. You should have seen the "doctor" loping through the store...he stopped to check me out, give me a happy appraisal and a big smile. Ya just never know!

izettl, thank you for taking the time to always leave me a great response. It doesn't surprise me in the least that you are the "better half" of a dynamic, mutually involved, sharing, caring relationship. Your article is well-thought out, extremely interesting and well-written and as always, food for thought. Thank you

Jeanine 4 years ago

thanks you both for your kind words... I think you are right Amy in that life is about exploring... whether it's the large lustful things of life that men want to get involved in or the smallest detail like the grocery store with your mom... I've learned...." if I can see the good in people... then people can see the good in me... if I can sing the song of love then the song of love sings in me...". I think we all get ahead of ourselves sometimes especially women, the esteem we lack as young adults makes us very vulnerable... searching to find a path we can walk or run usually when we find the one we think we love... in actuality in the younger years we are really looking for validation instead of love... but since love is so weird and elusive our parents didn't know how to explain how one falls or slips into love... I was so naive when I fell into the arms of love, I am amazed that anyone could love me...yet my love did and I feel still does... so I do wish those feelings and experiences for my own children... to be held in the deepest most intimate places that I had ever explored was and is truly God looking after me... love happened to me because of the maturity that my lover possessed... so gentle and caring to have someone who knows... and I think all women are looking for that protection when we are younger... I am the luckiest of all... for as I look back now I see how backwards and unaware of how big love is and was and can be, yet my love, took the time to instruct and be patient in the love shared with me... even when I was at my worst, my love was there to help me learn why we love, and how we love in order to grow... we all have some weirdness that we bring to marriage, either the hurt from a parent or the hurt we have inflicted upon ourselves unknowingly... I remember asking my mother, how will I know it's love... at first she said oh dear you will just know, but then she smiled and said... look at the details of what you want from the one you are looking for... I said I want a big house, a big car and plenty of money... she laughed and said no... you want someone who whispered your name early morning hours and tells you ... "you are love and your love never feels the same"... my mom... what can I say... she was always right... she loved my dad, but in reality as I look back now... she was always the bread winner, always the business person... I just thought he was the main stay... she really was ahead of her time...not only had she done most of the work, she had done most of the loving also... I loved my dad just like everyone else, but my mom loved me into being me... and being me has set the tone for the forty plus years I have been in love... each day is still unique, each hour still worth living, each moment still .... my love involves me... love creating love... always... for me it's easy.. I choose marriage... yet I know I choose it because my love, loved me and loves me... so I am blessed...

Izettl... I think women of the day, may be being held back... so many boys and so few men these days... I think a girl is right to wait... until the boys mature... I don't know what has happened to them really... they all seem so young to me now... I notice a lot of young men still play video games... whats the deal with that... we never had things like that to occupy the time, so it's a harder choice these days... you know my views on womans destiny ... I think she finally takes her rightful place in history and begins to run things openly... instead of from behind closed doors... I think that's why a lot of women today feel they don't need men... it is confusing to be smarter and still be expected to look up to your man... I think it evens out in the next generation... you baby girl Izettl has the opportunity to change the world for men and women... mostly because mothers... women teaching women to love their men and their families without the hurt and shame of being the smart one... and as mothers, I think more and more are teaching their sons to be respectful... I have great hopes for all of you younger girls... you want war to stop... pray for the mothers of sons to stop it... you want women to be stronger, pray for their mothers, you want men to be kinder, pray for their mothers to teach them kindness... and soon it will be a brand new world... pray that we meet God instead of the religions that men have made to suppress women... the dogma of religion is womans greatest enemy... the love of Christ is her greatest asset.... pray and meditate on peace...

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Amy~ I really believe I could have been happy either way- single or married. Yes of course I am glad to have my husband especially he helps so much when my joints are aching at the end of the day. I still will never say I can't "live" without someone because I'm a survivor and you are too. You certainly are smart and I think you would have a lot to bring to a relationship. Let you in on a secret...I did not want to be in a relationship and hadnt been for years before I met my husband and I met him, liked, and decided to maybe have a fling. Well, look at what can happen when you least expect it.

Either way, single or married, you can learn a lot about yourself. You've even stated that you learned from your marriages and now being single. Of course you have matured because you've learned from both. And the way you write (your poetry) is proof you understand people and yourself quite well.

Jeanine~ For me I grew up with a high self-esteem because I faked it until I believed it. I was always taller than the other girls and boys so I built myself up in some way telling myself I was special, etc. If someone stared at me I'd convince myself it was cause I was pretty- when maybe it was simply because I was so damn tall.

I've become so humble through some life lessons and I am glad to just be someone who has decided to learn from life and grow (and grow up lol).

I think you're right about looking for validation. Hell I had a dad that wanted to be validated in the same way I did (as a gir lto a woman). Odd to think of it that way, but he didn't know how to validate me as a girl or woman. After he visited though he said I was a great mom and my kids were lucky to have me- that sort of made up for all the early years perhaps.

You probably have a firmer grasp on love than anyone I've encountered. Really, from what I know you have loved unconditionally for so long. Oh yes I plan on teaching my daughter to love and yet be a strong woman, but also let her know it is not a weakness to have kids or make family important as much as career. I want to teach my son to have respect for women by being a man.

Jeanine 4 years ago

watch out with that I faked it until I believed it stuff... that can cause problems over in the bedroom... keeping it real is a good thing... lol... I know what you are saying though but I couldn't resist saying it...lol...

It's all good about your father, it turned out in the end... he validates you and will continue to do so now that he knows how hard it is to be a woman... believe and she becomes who you want her to be... help her, she is still looking for validation... as all two spirited people are for most of their lives... it's the fluidity of gender that is the challenge... when you wake each morning... you know without a doubt... for TS it's the doubt that grabs us by the spirit and wrestles us to the ground... or frees us to fly... so it's the greatest thing that could happen... and the worst thing that could happen... it's what we make of it that defines us... just as all of humanity...

I have been lucky to be this blessed in love and blessed to be this lucky... either way you look at it... I am married for a long time, soooooo there are things you learn about being in love that are moments you can live within... so when the hard times come, you have a library to go and live within until the storm passes... and it usually does if you don't have to look at is constantly... "if one can love unconditionally... then unconditional love comes to you... maybe not through the same person you are loving but it still comes just the same"...

You are right to help define what life is to your children... career is something we do... family is something we are... so the lesson is family first... career second... I often here Christians say... you must put God first... I disagree... if you are Christian... God is not on a list... He is your life... so family first, then career, then friends and the rest... my sons are very respectful and loyal to the women in their lives... they realize that Eve was the first to sin, but she also was the first to ask for forgiveness and most importantly, the first to be forgiven... God loved her just as much as Adam... although it's not taught... if God day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like one day... surely Eve and Adam stayed in the garden for more than one day before they lost it... more than likely they were there for more than that... which would have been thousands of years to us... no matter how long it was... the relationship between God and both of them was intense enough for God to send His only child to get them back to Him... and that's the part that we must tell our Children... love creating love... is truly the way to change ourselves... and if we change ourselves, then we change the world... love is so worth while and marriage is a by product of love... one does not have to be married to love... but to be married one must have experienced love...

mts1098 profile image

mts1098 4 years ago from InsideTheManCave

the problem is the search...do not search for a lasting relationship...if it was meant to be the relationship will find you...happily married for almost 23...cheers

jeanine 4 years ago

more than likely she was searching ... and her relationship found you... you're the guy right...lol... it doesn't just magically happen... so one of you has been working on it... and hopefully you have to... or you may get a rude awakening before you make 25 years...lol... 43 years here and it's the hardest thing I've ever been involved with... the best thing but the hardest also...

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jeanine~ the definition of love changes throughout life. Yes I've heard the thing about God- that has ye tto make a big appearance in our lives together (mostly my husband's lack of belief).

mts1098~ yes I believe that also- do not specifically search for your soul mate. I had no intention of getting married to my husband when I first met him in a college class- in fact i had not intention of a relationship at all.

barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Interesting question to pose. For me, I am definately the married type, although I think I would do fine single as well. The problem is, now a days if you aren't with the right person, you might find yourself married wishing you were single. And if you are single, and you see all your friends with someone, you might be wishing you had someone as well. I think back in the old days it was easier to be in a relationship. Mainly, and this is going to sound horrible, but because people just didn't live as long and long long long time ago. However, I guess in the time factor, they probably spent more time married than those today that are waiting to conquer the world before they say I Do!

Great hub and great question to bring up to make you think!

Jeanine 4 years ago

I think I am the marrying type also...I do believe there are men who were and destined to marry and some who are not and never will be... the beta male is who we all need... for a stable marriage... but it's the Alpha that gets us all worked up and out of sorts... I have three sons and although they all want to be and try and act like they are Alpha... I have one who really is... it seems to be thrust upon him no matter what he would like... He's like Samson.. a good man and a a real effort to be a Godly man, yet he has that thing that you can't help but notice when he walks in or walks by... he is simply an attraction to every woman he meets... even my sister in law and my own sister, just say damn... what a gorgeous man... now my other two are ust as beautiful to me... lol... but he has that Alpha thing happening... my other two are married and he has finally found a girl now, but it has been harder for him... no pun intended to settle down... not because he hasn't wanted a wife and even longs for babies... damn what a guy huh... he is blessed... he is the boss of a multi million dollar company and although his brothers think they could run it just as well... they can't, he just has something else that the others do not... yet he is lacking in the one thing you would think he could do better than anyone else... he has a fear that a woman could love him for longer than when he is just bringing her pleasure... so I say all of this to say, that there are natural things that make us try marriage and being single...lol...

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

barbergirl~ I agree about people not living as long. However, I worked at a breakfast restaurant when i was younger and saw many older couples in that had been married for 50+ yrs. those are the ones to admire because they lived long enough ago to get married early and live long enough now to get good medical help to live longer now. Yikes...kind of feel sorry for that generation. I think many years ago they married younger and didn't live as long and now most people are marrying older and living longer so it's fairly balanced.

Jeanine~ I agree. Alpha males are meant to lead many...sometimes many women. My uncle definite alpha male and a great guy...maybe a great husband...my aunt says yes be he always was busy helping or leading for someone or something. It seemed everyone relied on him and his fmaily got what was left over. He was probably cursed- alpha male and natural great leader.

I look back and always thought I'd be better single because, well, i was better single...an independent woman. But just because we are good at something doesn't mean that's what we should stick to. There are other things to do to teach us to be even better people. If I had not given marriage a try....like jumping off a cliff (or so it felt at the time), I wouldn't have found out how good it can be and parts of myself I never knew existed.

jeanine 4 years ago

Ahhh... Marriage... 43 years in this year... and I still sigh... after one lives with someone this long... there are parts of your life that are not really totally yours anymore, part of love is his and part is hers... just like the towels we purchased so long ago.... understanding deepens and trust becomes a finite... love becomes a bouquet of feelings and memories... anger is avoided by the files you have already read... "I know my love, my love knows me... no longer does one play the short game... the long game is more interesting, soft breezes of summer seem to engulf ones life as more days of love are shared... the dance more like willows hanging just above the waters edge... as night tenderly embraces the both of you... a touch becomes the most important part of my day... a smile... knowing just the right thing to say... yes I am married and I am in totally... I never knew trust could be so true...a hand brushing the hair from my face... the power of touch.. strength of grace... my love knows me... and I know my love"...

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Love your words...and view of marriage.

CriticalMessage profile image

CriticalMessage 4 years ago from Chicagoland, Illinois

I work better, feel better, and am happier when teamed up with one who works better, feels better, and is happier when teamed up with one like me.

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

CM~ very well put. we need to find you a girl...no, a woman so your fine partnership potential doesn't go to waste.

Darkproxy profile image

Darkproxy 4 years ago from Ohio

I honestly wonder most single men commit suicide but is that because of being alone or something else in all that was some feminist's logic onwhy men need women, but not the other way arround. personally I dislike free milk if you get my drift

jeanine 4 years ago

I think single men are disturbed by something else... most have issues that keep them from intimacy with women... just as I have never met a woman who is not guilty about something... I've never met a man who was not afraid of being a lone... it's the gifts our earthly parents gave us... and I get your drift... but some drifts are very large and beautiful and pure like snow...lol...

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Darkproxy~ as women think, many are accused of always needing a man. Today's feminists and "independant women" will have you believe (fool you) that they don't need men. But fact is, it's innate as people need people, companionship, etc. No matter what sex you are, no man (or woman) is an island. If single men or women have a lot of friends and an active social life, it does not matter whether they are in a romantic relationship or not- they can still be happy and fulfilled.

Darkproxy profile image

Darkproxy 4 years ago from Ohio

good point izettl

wilderness profile image

wilderness 4 years ago from Boise, Idaho

An interesting read. After 36 years of marriage (to the same woman) I can't imagine having to go it alone. Not that I can't take care of my daily needs and chores, but the companionship and love of a long term marriage is beyond understanding of those that haven't experienced it.

I fully understand, however, that not everyone is cut out for marriage. It requires a lot of giving and a lot of acceptance. As you say there is never a "perfect" mate for anyone. There will always be differences and those differences must be accepted, not always changed. Many are not willing to do that.

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Very well put- not everyone is cut out for marriage and yes there are things to compromise on and impefections, but like you said, after only 7 yrs marriage for me, I couldn't imagine being without. Congrats on your 36 years- you learn a lot about a person after that long...wow! Thanks for stopping by.

DDE profile image

DDE 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

It is important to appreciate each other in a relationship, taking one for granted is not fair to the other. You have a well explained hub, accepting your partner and making sure you are on the same page is another crucial point

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

DDE~ thanks a lot for the comment. I think in order for people to appreciate their relationship they must want it. Nobody should get married just for the sake of getting married. Some people are not meant for it.

Denmarkguy profile image

Denmarkguy 3 years ago from Port Townsend

Another nice hub!

I guess I would say I'm in favor of being married... to the RIGHT person. Otherwise, I was perfectly content being single... I was married for 13 years to someone largely because "it was what one was supposed to do" and that didn't work too well. I was unattached for a number of years, and quite comfortable eating out alone, going to movies by myself and so forth... now I am married to the great love of my life... whom I've actually known since I was 13 (and she was 8)... and have acquired three adult stepchildren whom I dearly love.

There may not be a "perfect" mate for people, but I think we owe it to ourselves to choose wisely, and to involve our MINDS in that choice, not just our hearts and our genitals, which seems to be what most people do. One of the reasons I have little regard for the "relationships" part of the self-help industry is that SO much effort is put into "fixing it" and "MAKING it work" after the fact, and SO little is put into making wise choices, in the first place.

DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 3 years ago

You have clearly covered this subject at every angle.I loved being single and I threw myself into my work.Years later you realize jobs change,people change and the company you were so loyal to doesn't care.Now in a loving marriage for the past 12 years I was very happy my life turned out the way it did.Many of my friends and relatives are now divorced after years of marriage and say they were never happy we fought for years.So to my surprise each person makes choices and their lives to be single or together but we have to make sure we are treated right or it's not right.So many marriages end up in abusive relationships,cheating on each other,drugs and alcohol and verbal abuse.Things worked out for me and I hope others find the love they need by themselves or with someone who really loves them for who they are.

Darkproxy profile image

Darkproxy 3 years ago from Ohio

I honestly can't see why I'd limit myself to one women specifically when they suck at anything that doesn't involve sex.

izettl profile image

izettl 3 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Denmarkguy~ yes choosing wisely is best if you choose to be married. I prefer marriage now, but I don't think I would have in my 20's. I was quite content doing things alone and I met people I probably wouldnt have if I was attached.

Dream On~ Sounds like things worked out in the marriage department for you. If you're happy thats where you should be!

Darkproxy~ you cant argue that point with me. I think both men and women have extensive values that the other doesn't. Women are superior to men at raising babies. I think there is more instinct there and I;m not saying men can't raise them but women are better overall nuturers.

I'd limit yourself to one woman with so many diseases and STD's out there. I cant see why a woman who would settle with being one of many would be of any value either...sounds like you've had the wrong women.

lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Voted up++ awesome & interesting. I agree with your views especially on men. lol

You often hear single men say that they want a confident and independent woman who is career oriented and has her own salary apart from his, one who doesn't nag and is soft-spoken, goes with the flow, has her own passions and interests apart from his, a woman who is in control of her own emotions and who doesn't depend on a man to make her happy and my favorite a woman who explores herself enough to know what she likes in bed. I take this as the guy is clueless and definitely not a good lover. I am not a psychologist, but it's funny because my question to you is what the heck do men offer women these days? ????LOL. As for me, I am in my 30s and single, never been married. I don't have an inch of conceitedness in me so I will say that judging by other people's standards, I am an attractive young woman with lots to offer, but yet most of the guys that I have come across throughout the years have all fed me the same line. I am not looking for a relationship. It's not like I have a banner on my forehead that reads this. I have also met very good-looking single men who are ok with having casual sex without strings attached, I don't work that way and then the men who have been married and divorced but don't want to do it again for fear of getting hurt and those types of men who want to stay bachelors forever. Luckily, I have been blessed with good genes. I am in my 3os and if you saw me in person, I don't look a day older than 25. Everywhere that I go, people card me and they are shocked when I tell them my age and plus I keep myself in good shape, but haven't been able to get a good guy to commit. It's a jungle out there! too much competition. anyways, I am also in the group of women who have waited this long to get married in the hopes of finding my soul mate. only know I realize that perhaps my expectations have been too high & that maybe all that soul mate thing is just b.s. what a disappointment, but now I realize that you can be compatible with more than one person & if you can find someone who you are compatible with and who shares similar passions and beliefs, then bag them like Dr. Phil says. LOL sorry for my ramble.

Darkproxy profile image

Darkproxy 3 years ago from Ohio

What do men offer women these days? How about this 98% of all alimony checks are cashed, spent and such are all written out by men to women. Women get huge divorce and mind you unfair divorce settlements, hell marriage is more like a license for a woman to rape my finances and leave me with shit credit and the clothes on my back.

izettl profile image

izettl 3 years ago from The Great Northwest Author


I understand this. I was in my late 20's and some of the best men I met were in their early 20's (younger than me) and I realized it was because they had not been hurt or had the baggage that came with years of meeting too many Ms. Wrongs. I met my husband and married him at 30. However, he was all wrong in the eyes of any normal woman. In fact I dumped him after our first month dating. You never know how people will change though. You could meet Mr. Perfect then he turns out to be a chauvinistic pig and has an affair while you're pregnant. Or you could meet someone like I did that went against all odds of working out and he turned out (about 3 yrs into being married) being Mr. Wonderful. Of course he has faults but the important stuff is there- good dad, good job, good husband, helps around the house.

Women need men...in theory. I was an independent woman, great career, didn't really "need" a man then I became disabled suddenly and I needed my husband to help me get dressed for a few months. Our relationship completely changed when I actually needed him. That's the problem nowadays, women don't need men, men are lost in this independent society of women. Men need to feel needed to feel like men and most of us women will not give that feeling to a man and with the male ego, he will go on thinking 'If women don't need me, I don't need them" and now there are just as many women out there using men for sex as there are men who use women for sex. It used to be marriage was a goal, maybe even an expectation and the household wanted kids, needed two parents to raise them with values that only a man can offer and only a woman can offer. Now women don't think they even need a man to help raise their kids and they've made the dads estranged from their kids. It's very sad.

All I can say is throw out your check list and don't worry even if a man says he doesn't want to get married. My husband is older than me ( a few years) and had been married before, we were under the precedence of a fling when we met, nothing serious and we are two kids in and 10 yrs later...happy, not perfect, but happy.

I don't think any man is looking for a relationship, but when I talk with many couples who got married, they weren't looking for relationships. I asked my husband what changed his mind and he simply said I didn't want to lose you so I felt like the only logical way to keep you was to marry you. This may not sound romantic but it was sacrificing his ego to maybe be hurt by me or not, but to do anything he thought that would keep me.

I thought I found my soul mate -absolute perfection between us. Same birthday even!! He died in a drowning accident so I don't believe there is just one person for us and I think some people can become your soul mate over time. I wouldn't have said my husband was my soul mate 8 yrs ago, but now...no doubt. Like Dr.Phil says, similar beliefs and values is huge. Depends on where you meet guys too- some places won't reap in quality type of guys. I happened to meet my husband after years off from school and went back to finish.


Never close your heart or make decisions based on fear. Sometimes the most we feel alive is when we're scared half to death and the prospect of marriage can do that to some people, but be sooo worth it. lol. Hang in there dude...not every person, woman or man, is the same.

lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Hi Izzetl, Thanks for sharing your story with me. I really like your way of thinking. Your psychology degree is not only a piece of paper my friend. Your knowledge and expertise has served you well in your profession. As far as your husband, you couldn't have asked for a better one! Lol. I think it's hilarious that you dumped him after one month of dating and then you ended up married to him. I think that you probably brought out the best in him, which is why he became Mr. Wonderful in about three yrs into the marriage. Your husband felt that marrying you was the only logical way of being with you rather than losing you. That is so sweet....Oh my God, I wish I could find someone like that. lol. I agree with your points. People can change drastically in the blink of an eye and many times the ones that we least expect too. I'm sorry to hear that you became disabled. Considering that you were always so career oriented and independent, was the adjustment of having to depend on your husband a life changing event? Did your relationship with your husband change for the better? How funny I feel like I am a reporter interviewing you for a show. You're so right, I agree. All this feminism correct me if I'm wrong has led women to think that they can do it all on their own. It's okay to have goals and pursue a career as well as it is to be financially independent, but you could be all those and still need a man. I agree with you that women need a man as a role model to teach their kids values, something that society as a whole lacks. Boys for the most part need good role models to teach them how to respect women and not see them solely as sex objects. Single mothers raising children without the father can be quite challenging. Perhaps, women are confused by the needy, clingy concept and needing someone. How do you show a man that you need him without coming across as needy? Good topic for a hub don't you think? If I understood correctly, your husband the same man you married at age 30 died in a drowning accident. Gosh, that must have been so hard for you. my heart goes out to you. I'm glad that he was your soulmate. That's good to hear that we can have more than one soulmate in this world and that soulmate activity can happen over time. I appreciate you taking the time to write this very thorough reply. This has got to be the best advice anyone has ever given me. It's greatly appreciated. Now, let me throw away that checklist. lol.

Take care, talk to you soon. Doc

izettl profile image

izettl 3 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Love doctor,

thanks for the comment. Oh yes, I changed and he changed once we actually needed each other. So many people never get to experience that feeling and it's life changing. We say we need to be with someone or love that someone but so many people are so independent now and all the advice against in self help books about being "co-dependent" leads us to believe we shouldn't truly need someone. I think women and men are necessary partners. They each bring out a necessary ingredient in one another and in the relationship. At first I think I was bringing out the worst in my husband cause I kept acting like I didn't need him., even after we has our first child. I was insane to think that...but like I said before, society leads us to believe we shouldn't need anyone else.

lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Hi izettl, you're so right, I agree with you. Looking forward to reading more of your work. Thanks for your comments. I did reply:)

DonnaCaprio profile image

DonnaCaprio 2 years ago from Newburyport, MA

Hello Izetti - This is an interesting article. I think there are pros and cons to both being single and being married. I have been married for 28 years and separated for 13, and like being single. Like everything, some people are happier with a mate and others are happier single. It is too bad that in the US it is such a couples world. Being single is a choice for many. I do disagree with your statement that it is easier for a man to be single. I know many women quite happy being single. The statement also makes me think that you feel it is "hard" to be single. In some ways it is easier. A single person can enjoy and do what they like without always having to check with someone else. It can be more of a financial burden living on a single income rather than having two paychecks coming in, but that does not apply to everyone.

It is too easy to get married and too difficult and time consuming to get out. Maybe it should be the other way around. When it comes down to it, it is only a piece of paper. Commitment and respect in a relationship comes from the two people involved, and not the piece of paper. If the paper meant so much we would not have a fifty per cent divorce rate. Great article. Nice meeting you!

izettl profile image

izettl 2 years ago from The Great Northwest Author


I don't believe being single is "hard". It was easier for me. I look at it as a natural stage of life. I enjoyed several years single, but wanted something different. I didn't know what that meant but at the time my boyfriend proposed to me so I said what the heck. We're 10 years into it. I hope it lasts as long as we both expect it to. I don't have illusions of what marriage is or if it lasts. Our society doesn't value marriage and tradition seems to be the enemy of the new desired...progress. I think people call it quits far too easy because being single is that easy. that's why the 50% divorce rate...being single is far easier. My point in this hub is that not everyone is meant to be married which is fine. We also have this martially lethal combination of endless quest for constant hap[pines and instant graftification

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