Having a Baby Before Getting Married

I received this comment on my HUB "When Your Girl Wants to Get Married and You Don't"

confused says:

hi veronica.. the first time i saw this website, its awesome! after i read all of those love problems, i want also to share my own love story...

im in a relationship right now for 2 years and a half. honestly i want to get married to my bf and he said he is not yet ready... but he wants to a have a baby first...? is it fair to have a baby first before we get married...? please help me, im so confused!

Dear Confused,

This is a 3 martini answer for sure.

Umm, no. It's not ok. But probably not for the reasons you're thinking.

Generations ago, people got married to their high school sweetheart, bought a house, had babies, and then got divorced. It was all very orderly and traditional. It's not that way anymore. People are free to choose what things they want in life, and in what order.

There is nothing at all wrong with one or two consenting adults deciding to have a child out of wedlock. And, there is nothing at all wrong with two people that are together that have an unplanned pregnancy. In essence, what I'm saying is, if you and your boyfriend had a baby, either by accident or by decision, it's fine. It's between the two of you, and it's nobody else's business.

However, what's going on here is something entirely different.

You both want different things.

You want to get married.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to get married.

Your boyfriend wants to have a baby. But he does not want to marry you.

Confused, I'm confused too. I've known two guys in my life that were like that. One now has 6 kids, with 6 different women, and has never been married. He loves kids, and loves not having to have them 100% of the time. He acts like Santa Claus. He gets to take his kids when he feels like it and spoil them and then just dump them back with their mothers when any real work or responsibility needs to take place. He's constantly in trouble because he can't make all his child support payments. It's just stupid.

The other guy actually admitted to me and his friends that he will not marry his girlfriend until he is sure she can give him a son. If she has a daughter, he won't marry her.

I don't know why your boyfriend thinks he's ready for the responsibility of a child. You need to have a real conversation with him, and find out exactly why he wants what he wants. And he needs to be honest about why he does not want to get married.

But you asked for it, so here is my 3 martini advice: This is a bad scene, man. You need to get out of it. Do not have a child with this man thinking that he will eventually marry you. He would be free to do whatever he wants, knowing you'd be rather trapped at home with a child just waiting for him. Essentially, he would be commitment free and only take on the responsibilities he feels like taking on. He'd get all the benefits of having a wife and kid, and not have any of the hard work or responsibility involved with having that honor.

Be careful, Confused. If you want to get married, then you should find someone that wants to get married.

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Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission. All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

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Comments 20 comments

CareyYo profile image

CareyYo 9 years ago from Fullerton

I always like your hubs Veronica.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Carey! Coming from you that is a great compliment.

Nice pic ;)


AWG 9 years ago

Scarey pictures. true about having kids. everyone shows you cutezy pics but having babies is all about vomit and shit and screaming crying. believe me, i know.


jerseygirl 7 years ago

that was great advice. I completely agree with you. As the daughter of a man who impregnated my mother, then comes in and out of my life as he pleases, its not good for anyone. It's tough for the mother, but is also damaging to the childs' emotional growth as well.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Thanks jerseygirl. I'm sorry you've had to go through that in your life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they are extremely important.


bubbly 7 years ago

I'm in exactly the same position, i would love to get married and i am being forced to face facts that its never going to happen as its just a piece of paper to my partner. Marriage is very important to me. My partner and i have been trying for a baby for 2yrs now and i don't understand why he wants to have a baby and get a mortgage but not get married. All three are really big commitments and everyone i've spoken to have said that having a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage. It causes big rows if the word marriage is mentioned or if someone in the family is getting married and we go to the wedding, even that causes a row. Sometimes he will say that will be us one day, other times he will say he didn't mean that and we wont ever get married. He mixing my feelings around and i do love him to bits, but do you think he is scared of commitment? I read one of your articles and you said about the woman had to respect his feelings that he doesn't want to get married. That's all very well, but like a few people have said to me that he needs to respect my feelings too. Obviously there is no way of compromising, but at the same time its all very well to understand his feelings and not force him into marriage which i wouldn't, but then i am being forced to not to get married or even talk about it. please help. thanks.


pink 7 years ago

That's my question. You once mentioned that relationships should be based on honesty, communication, and compromise. How do you compromise when you want to get married and he doesn't? I don't find the middle ground there.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

pink,

Exactly.

There is no middle ground if you can't compromise. You're not in a healthy relationship is you can't compromise.

If you want something that badly that your relationship can't afford, then stop trying to change someone who doesn't want what you want. Move on. Find someone who wants a life more like the one you want to have. You deserve it.


Wredfairy23 6 years ago

HI, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT MY BOYFRIEND AND I KNEW EACHOTHER IN HIGH SCHOOL AND WE HAD OUR FIRST DAUGHTER OTTA WEDLOCK...HE AND I BEEN TOGATHER FOR FOUR YEARS...WE ALSO HAVE A SON NOW...AND HE WAS ALWAYS LIKE THAT TO...SAYING THAT HE WAS NOT READY TO GET MARRIED...AND YOU KNOW I WAITED FOR A LONG TIME AND ME ANDHIM WOULD GET UPSET AT EACHOTHER FROM TIME TO TIME...I JUST KINDA LEFT IT ALONE AND NOW HE CAME AND ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM AND NOW WERE GETTING MARRIED IN FEBUARY...BUT MY THOUGHTS ARE THAT NOT EVERY GUY WANTS TO JUST HAVE A BABY AND LEAVE...YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHO YOUR PARTNER AND FIND OUT WHAT HE IS ABOUT...I KNEW THAT BY THE WAY HE WAS WITH HIS FAMILY...HE DIDN'T REALLY GROW UP WITH HIS FATHER AND HIS MOTHER TAUGHT HIM HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HIS BROTHERS WHILE SHE WOULD WORK FOR THEM...SO HE BECAME RESPONSIBLE SINCE HE WAS A LITLE BOY AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW THAT WHEN WE HAVE KIDS I KNEW THAT HE WOULD BE THERE FOR THEM AND HE WAS THERE FOR MY KIDS SINCE THE DAY THERE WERE BORN AND IM SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE.


Cross roads 6 years ago

We just had another argument and for the upteenth time in our six year relationship I am really wondering why I am still with this man. He keeps telling me he wants me to have a baby, and I said, I will do that only if we get married first. We own two properties together and money isn't the issue, but I just don't get why it is that difficult for him to get his act together and sign the forms to be married and organise the list to invite his side of the family for the reception. I honestly think there is another issue I don't know about if he maintains he wants a marriage and future together with kids, but he can't get off his arse and actually do something about it.


Dominique19872 6 years ago

Great advice


Cydney 6 years ago

We want to get married but i don't think it a good idea but what should i do we both want to get married please help me we have a lot of school work we have been dating for a very long time i don't know i bet we can make a right dasision but i can't think straght help me please please oh please help me........i need help i love him He love me but i don't know please help me please.................help me please oh please help me i really need your help goodbye from Cydney Marie Fenn and my boyfriend fili hopes pahpah


teed 6 years ago

Hi all just think after the baby gets 10 year old at school, he will see most of his frindes having father and mother,but he is having only mother....

if you in his place what would you feel?Indeed he will feel sad and he will feel smothing missing,some of kinds like him ,by the time of sadness, they are going to create a promlem at the srounding area...

;however, I'm not saying that you should married or not the final choise is yours...


Diana 5 years ago

I can tell you all from experience men who want to have children first before marriage are men who are commitment phobes. Look some men will get u pregnant just to keep you around as long as they want cuz they know you are more likely to stay with them, put up with their b.s if you a kid with them. So its kind of a way to lock you down for as long as THEY want you be locked down. Once the baby comes and they see what all goes into it, guess what, there are goners. Its better to get married and be married a year or two before having children cuz you want to be sure this man will not bounce on the responsibility once things get tough. Its also better to marry cuz its harder to leave a marriage than it is to break up with someone. A man will think twice before getting divorce, paying spousal support, child support, visitation rights...etc. If a man loves you truly he will marry first and then proceed to plan for children.


IN2Deep 5 years ago

This is a really great hub-with really great advice. And for the One or two people -who actually manage to work things out -that's great. Raising a child is a lot of responsibility-and it is hard to do it alone with just one parent (or just one parent who really cares).Although it is certainly not impossible It does affect the child even if it is only silently. If you are ready for children-you should be ready for commitment. Children need a stable enviroment. You will not hold on to a man simply by having his child-and it is not common sense to think you can. So think twice. If you can't work things out or compromise before marriage-you shouldn't chance bringing a child into the world.That is just common sense.


Viv  5 years ago

won't marry her until she gives him a son? Who is this guy, Henry VIII?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Right, Viv? Not good.


Balinese profile image

Balinese 5 years ago from Ireland

Veronica

great article and i love read this


shwetha123 profile image

shwetha123 5 years ago

Great hub!


SingleDad47 4 years ago

What your addressing is just a power struggle between partners. Have you ever seen a super happy couple get married and then all the fighting begins? What is the current divorce rate in the America? 50%? 60%? From what I have experienced being married, and a single dad was that as soon as me and my partner married, it was okay for her to be emotionally abusive towards me and act out her childhood dramas on me because now I was "hers". She never had a thought that it wasn't ok to act this way towards me because we were "married" and I took a vow to love her. That's when all the real demons came out of the closet and when my life became hell. I tried 3 years of marriage counseling and finally sought a divorce after our differences could not be resolved. I now have sole custody of our child as my ex-wife refuses to care for our daughter as a form of punishment to me for divorcing her. She shows when she wants to and leaves me with the bill. I think that as many dead beat dads are out there, there are men that haven been abused emotionally by their partners . There are collectives of men that are seeking suicide counseling because their wives have divorced them and won't let them see their children. Commitment and marriage should be beautiful and built on trust, if he is willing to comit to many forms of partnership and not marriage maybe you need to look at what your real fears and intentions are behind needing his life long support in writing. He might see it as a death sentence

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