He Gained Weight, She Needs To Change-Up the Love Making. How Should She Tell Him?
Ok,, have a serious question and I hope you will write a hub for me. Here it is...I totally love my boyfriend and sex until recently has been unfuckenbelieveable... but now there is a new wrinkle. He's put on weight, which does not affect me visually or mentally, I find him exceptionally hot. However....the weight gain does not allow me to get into a position that feels "good" for me. In other words, I'm not making the contact that I used to. I still really enjoy being with him and having sex, but I haven't had an orgasm with him in a while. I am sure I can figure out some new positions, I'm just so worried about hurting his feelings. I love him too much to ever hurt him like that. How do I bring this up to him when it's such a sensitive issue for him already? He has noticed that there is a difference in my responses than before. Any advice? Thanks!
You sound very loving, very cautious, very smart, and very wonderful.
It's such a relief to hear that you love him for him, and that a weight gain isn't changing your attraction for him. I'm completely with you about not wanting to hurt his feelings. But I'm sure there's a way you can do this without making him feel badly.
I've thought alot about this. And I would recommend that the first thing you do is plant the seed. And I suggest doing it in a way that's removed, and indirect. I'm sorry if this sounds a little chicken-shitish, but I know how difficult it is to deal with feelings of unattractiveness especially from weight gain.
Tell him you have a friend that came to you with this issue - she (or he) is in love with their mate, and completely attracted. But there's been a physical change - a weight gain - that has not affected their attraction at all. But it has affected her ability to reach orgasm for just plain physical reasons. Stress that this isn't a problem, it's easily rectified with some fun experimentation and some new positions. Tell him your friend is actually looking forward to the excitement of trying out some new things in the bedroom. The only only only problem is, your friend is afraid to talk to her mate about it because your friend is petrified of hurting his feelings.
Amy, see how he reacts. Ask him what he thinks. Ask him if he has advice for your friend.
I think the odds are very good that he'll figure out this is about the two of you. Don't push, don't prod. Just let the seeds take root. He may completely drop it. That's fine, change the subject and just wait it out. He may just try to get inventive in bed on his own after he thinks about this.
He may offer advice, like to say, "Oh she should just tell him!" In which case, take his advice.
If he looks hurt or concerned, definitely respect his space and give him some privacy with this.
I think your odds are very good that he'll think about this, get used to the idea, drop the hypothetical, but later on when you two are love making that he'll get a little creative.
I'm not encouraging that you lie. I preach communication. But I think there is a way you can ease into this to show respect for his feelings. If he asks you if there is really a friend, of course be honest and tell him the friend is you.
Men just aren't as confrontational as women are. If he figures out you're talking about you, really the odds are he will just not say anything. He will listen, and he will digest it. He will consider why you didn't tell him directly. He'll probably be glad you didn't force him to have a conversation about weight gain - one that you obviously need to brooch in one way or another, and one that he probably wants to avoid at all costs. He will most likely be very grateful that you didn't make him have this talk, that you expressed yourself in an indirect way, and that you let him be from Mars, and try to implement his own solution.
I really believe with this respectful, indirect and non-confrontational approach, he will respond the best. He'll let it sink in. And then later in bed, you'll just see, he'll try a new position, or ask you if you would like to get ontop for some reverse cowgirl time.
On the very off chance that he is upset that you were indirect and posed your question as if it were a friend's, all you have to do is to reiterate that you're attracted to him, you want to have a successful sex life with him, that you're sure that's possible with just some fun experimenting, and that you want to protect him from anything that would ever hurt his feelings.
And then, ask him, if the roles were reverse, how would he tell you if you were the one that had a weight gain, and he was having a hard time making "contact."
You can add that if it were you, you would have wanted this approach, as weight gain is sensitive, and you would be nervous to hear directly that sex isn't working right now.
If you have a good communicative relationship with him, he may later on, after the problem is solved, asked how your friend is doing. To which, you should smile and say she's in heaven. Best to you both.
Do you have a relationship question? Email me through the link in my profile.
More by this Author
“Congrats on 450,000 hits on the blog! I hope 2008 is your best year ever. I am a long time reader of your blog, and now I am reading your hubs as well. One of the reasons I always read your relationship advice is...
It’s been almost 7 yrs of dating. I’m anti-marriage so it worked for us cause there was never any pressure. What concerns me is that we’re older, he’s 37 and I’m 32 and I would like to have...
Some things are clear. Opening his mail is a felony. Going through his dirty laundry if you’re the one doing the laundry, well then that has to be acceptable. But what about everything that falls in between? If...