He Thought After They Got Married Things Would Change. Think Again. - Relationship Advice

Dear Veronica

I really need some advice. I'm only married less than 1 year and I am all ready thinking about calling it quits for real. When I first started dating my wife she was a beautiful person inside and out. She cared about her appearance. She worked as a secretary and always had interesting work stories to tell. She had her own friends and things and I liked how she was independent. I like to go out with my friends. I work on a construction crew and I like to go out with the guys for a beer or go to the races. In the beginning she didn't mind that. After a year she started changing. She got very clingy and wanted to know where I was all the time. She would get mad if I went out with my friends. She became so insecure and it was horrible. Very unattractive. Plus she started letting herself go. I don't mean to sound like a dick but she was a certain way and I liked that, and then she changed. I did tell her this was not going to fly I didn't like the clingy her. She said it was because she was so stressed out because we weren't married and that as soon as we were married everything would be Okay. Well I believed her and was like oh Okay. Whatever. I was fine with that. So I married her. She immediately quit her job! She didn't talk to me about it she just did it. Nothing was better after I married her like she said it would be. now she's even more nagging! She flips out if I go out with the guys, she sits at home and nit picks. She isn't the person she was when we met. She doesn't go out with her friends, she doesn't work, and god forbid she ever puts on make up anymore. If I say anything it's a fight. She says I'm shallow if I want her to wear make up every day. If I complain about her trying to keep me from seeing my friends she swears I'm up to something. I am NOT going to spend the rest of my god damn life like this. What the hell does she want from me? I tried to talk about this. She wanted me to marry her so I married her. Nothing got better, everything got worse. If she doesn't become that girl I first started dating very soon then I am ending this.

BostonFan

Dear BostonFan,

Well let this be a lesson for the kids out there. Anything you're seeing in your relationship is going to intensify after marriage. If you're being nagged to do something like propose, this is going to set the stage for how all situations will be in your future if you marry her. 

Same for the ladies. If while you're dating he's possessive and jealous, you can be sure that after marriage it will be 100 x's worse. If he's constantly running home to mom, if she's over spending... whatever it is. It will intensify after marriage. 

BostonFan, you're certainly in a bad spot. It sounds as if it's not just one or two things that continued to get worse and worse. It sounds like everything did. It's not uncommon, sadly. 

If you are talking about ending your marriage, you have nothing to lose by talking to her and laying down the law. Give her a chance to think about what she's doing. Be clear that you will not spend your life like this. Remind her of the way she was when you fell in love with her. Let her know that you do want to spend your life with that girl. She was interesting. She was independent. She was respectful. She was a fun person and a good partner. She took pride in her appearance and she made you feel happy.

You need to let her know that she can fix this. 

Even if you feel like she won't listen to you, and she won't do anything to save the marriage, you should give it this one last liferope of a chance. 

When she began to change when you were dating, she told you she'd be better once she was married. That means she agreed with you. She saw what you were saying, and she offered a solution, even if it was a fake-out. She can't deny the facts of what you're saying, since she's already acknowledged them to be true.

Tap into that again. Ask her about that, about why things didn't change. Why didn't she keep her promise. You did your part. You married her when she said that's what she wanted. You wanted to be with that person you originally met so badly that you were willing to marry her and take this chance. What happened? Why didn't she keep her end of the deal?

Sometimes when a guy winds up in the situation you're in I ask them about what they may have done that contributed to the state of things. For example, if you cheated, if you aren't where you say you are, if you've given her reasons to be suspicious or paranoid then that would explain alot. Additionally if you let yourself go you can't expect her to be putting any effort into her appearance. And I'd also ask you if what you're seeing really is the result of not caring. Are you being too critical? Are the outward appearance changes just a matter of time and age?

There are tells in the wording of your email. There's nothing accusing, and there's nothing defensive. I think what you're describing is actually what's gone on, to the best of your knowledge and realizations. I don't feel you're leaving anything out.

But is there anything that you didn't realize? Is there anything you've left out because you just didn't think about it as having an affect on this before. Did she lose a family member? Did her boss change at work? Did a crime happen, like was she mugged or robbed? Did you two have a pregnancy scare? Did someone close to her fall ill, was she in a car accident, did she lose alot of money in the stock market. Did anything happen that may have shaken her whole world from her self esteem to her ability to feel safe?

It is possible that whatever it is, it has nothing to do with you. Just open your mind up to that and consider any and all possibilities.

I'm not saying that if there is an event that has changed her, that you have to remain in a marriage that makes you miserable. I'm not making excuses for her, and I'm not condemning you. I'm just saying that if you figure out a real reason for her to have gone a little cuckoo like this, then fixing it becomes a possibility. If something is broken inside of her, maybe she can get some help. Maybe she can work on it. 

Ask her. If you can't figure out anything that could have caused trauma in her mind, ask her if something happened that you don't know about. It is a possibility. You do want to cover all the bases.

Of course there is a good chance that nothing happened. And that this conversation is going to be a yelling match that solves nothing. But even if that's what it is, at least you tried. At least you can end this marriage knowing you did everything you could have done. 

Please give us a follow up, would ya? Let us know what happens. Best to you.

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12 comments

BostonFan 6 years ago

HOLY SHIT. Veronica you are fucking psychic like people comment that you are. This is crazy. I have no idea how you did this but as soon as I read it it was like the lightbulb went on. She had a bad pap and then had to go to a specialist and had to have surgery. Anyway she can't have children. And I have no idea how you could possibly get to there from what I told you because I am here living it and this never crossed my mind before. This was around the time things started to change. We never talked about having kids I don't even know if she really wanted kids. But I realize I need to talk to her about it. Thank you so much Veronica. You are amazing. All the people I've turned to for help or to talk about this and no one has ever pointed me in the right direction before. You should have a real column in a big


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

BostonFan,

Looks like your message got cut off, sorry to see that. But in any case, I am so thrilled to get this comment. This makes sense to me, that this could be what started her decline. It also makes sense why she pushed you to marry her. She may not be aware herself of the trigger. When you bring this up she may deny and feel defensive. Try to be patient and gentle. This could be a very life altering conversation. Good luck to you both.


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

As above notes, you are "gardening in fertile soil!" Great work. Keep them coming./..


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

dallas93444,

This one gave ME chills! I'm so glad I was able to lend some light. I really wish them luck - I hope they have a good honest conversation and can work through things.


LeonJane profile image

LeonJane 6 years ago from Australia

Great advice, which looks like it will have a happier ending to Bostonfan's predicament. I like and agree with what you say about problems only getting amplified after marriage. This reminds me of people saying having a child will bring our relationship together when people are having relationship troubles. It could only get worse. Thanks for a great hub!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

LeonJane, you're so right! Having a child never "fixes" anything. Excellent point. Thanks for your comment!


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 6 years ago from Southern California

WOW, Veronica, you really hit the nail on the head with this guy. Such good and heartfelt advice. I hope things work out for them. You're good girl! I've got to go back and read more of your hubs.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

fastfreta,

Thanks so much for the lovely comment! I really appreciate it. I hope things work out for them too.


rebekahELLE profile image

rebekahELLE 6 years ago from Tampa Bay

wow, Veronica. I sure hope it works out for this couple. Such an insightful response from you. I would imagine her hormones have played a huge part in her changed behavior. Thanks for sharing these hubs for all of us. good work!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks rebekahELLE,, excellent point about the hormones!


BostonFan 6 years ago

Hi Veronica and everyone, I just wanted to update everyone on our situation. Veronica you really did hit the nail on the head. I talked to my wife about this and although she denied it she was crying hysterically and finally admitted that maybe she had a problem. We got an appointment with a therapist and went to speak with her and things came gushing out of my wife. Lots of things you touched upon. I won't get too personal here but I want to say she does have a big issue with not having kids and that did start this whole bad cycle of pushing me and getting married to fast. I don't know if we're going to be ok or not. We got married for the wrong reason and alot of damage has been done. Plus she needs a lot of help. She seems to resent me for all this. It's not my fault she can't have kids but she makes it out like it is, like she can put all her anger at me. It's hard but at least we are working on the read problem here. I think in general your base of thought is right. Don't get married unless you want to. It doesn't fix problems exactly like Veronica said. And in my case there was a really big problem and it certainly did not fix it.

Hopefully my comment doesn't get cut off this time. I think you are awesome. Psychic like so many people say. You listen, really listen. And you cut to the heart of this problem. I'm so glad I wrote to you.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Boston Fan,

Thank you so much for the update. It's sad, really. I am glad your wife is getting in touch with what's really going on inside of her head and that she's communicating and getting the help she needs. Thank you so much for your words regarding my Hub for you. I do really wish you both the best. Namaste.

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