He Travels A lot For Work, Should She Hit The Road? - Relationship Advice

Dear Veronica,

I read your Hub about if he's too busy for her then he isn't into her. I am in a situation but I don't think it's quite that one. I've been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. Everything is fine, but he travels so much for work. Without being too specific, he is in marketing and sales for a high profile company and travels all over the country and sometimes even out of the country. Whenever I call him, he takes my call right away even if it's to say he can't talk right now. When I call his office and speak to someone else there I can always confirm he's exactly where he says he is. About half a dozen times now I've surprise shown up to wherever he was on business. Every one of those times he seemed genuinely happy to see me, and made time for dinner with me or rearranged his plans a bit to try to sight see with me or whatever. He never locks anything or hides anything, so I have gone through his desk at home, his cell phone, his bills, even his wallet and briefcase. I even told him I had to have the passwords to his voicemail and email and everything in case of emergency and he didn't think twice about it. He just said ok and gave them to me. Nothing makes me think he's up to anything. I just feel like he should want to spend more time with me than he does. When he isn't working he checks his phone and email all the time, but honestly he lets me make whatever plans for us that I want and he seems happy to be with me. I just feel like he works too much and should want to spend less time working and more time with me. He claims he likes his job, but he's in sales and marketing. Who could really like that? He makes very good money. But he claims it's not just the money it's that he likes what he does. Does that sound flimsy to you? I don't know what else to do. Can you offer me some 3 martini advice?

Linda

Dear Linda,

Your man is a catch.

Linda, not every man would be OK with your having no respect for his privacy. Clearly he has nothing to hide, and doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable about anything. It's a very big deal that he has no problem with your going through his emails and voicemails and wallet and desk.

You never came right out and said it, but it sure sounds like you were suspicious of him. Whether you've cheated and are projecting, or whether you've been cheated on in the past, you have some baggage here that you're not done working through.

But the big thing here is that you really, honestly, have no idea why someone would spend do much time at work instead of with you.

You didn't mention anywhere in your email what you do for a living, or how much time you spend at work, or on your hobbies or charities or anything. This is a major tell. Your boyfriend sounds like a healthy and independent person. You, on the other hand, sound extremely dependent and as if you have no sense of self. I say this often in my hubs - you can't be a good partner until you are a good You. You don't sound like a good You. You sound obsessed with the relationship to the point where you don't even respect that he enjoys his job. Not everyone is out there curing cancer. Some people make the French fries. Some people pick up the garbage. Some people put televisions on the shelves. Nobody's job is any more important than anyone else's. Your boyfriend is incredibly blessed and lucky. He has a job he likes and makes a good living with. That is incredibly fortunate.

You are very lucky that showing up on 6 different occasions to his travel destinations didn't put his job in jeopardy. You are also very fortunate that he was so cool about it and even got into it by having dinner with you and trying to sight see. Truly, he sounds amazing. If that were me you were spying on and surprise attacking, you'd be history.

I wrote a hub about how much time a couple should spend together. But I have to wonder what would ever be enough for you. You said, he should want to spend more time with you. But you didn't explain anything he's doing with his time, other than working, that demonstrates his not wanting to spend time with you. And even his working hours, he seems fine with sharing with you when possible.

I could just tell you to relax and end this Hub. But I think you need some more help than that. If you keep going on this way, you may damage this relationship. and I think if you don't figure out how to help yourself, you'll be doomed to repeat this.

Do you work? If you don't, you should think about trying it, or volunteering someplace. Take some classes, find a book club, join a gym, start taking Tae Kwon Do or Yoga or cooking classes. Go to the animal shelter and walks some dogs. Learn to play guitar. Or jewelry making. Or get involved with your town council.

Look, it is clear that if you are this obsessed with your boyfriend working so much that you don't have enough to do with yourself. Instead of projecting this problem onto your boyfriend, you need to work on yourself.

I think you need to spend some critical thinking time on your suspicious nature too. Though I do not think that is the main problem here, if you feel you've got some underlying or subconscious reason for having to keep reassuring yourself that he isn't up to anything, then you need to work on that a bit. Going to therapy or even just having a couple long conversations about it with someone you trust may really help you put that into perspective.

Your boyfriend sounds understanding, accommodating, and happy. Nothing he's doing is wrong or weird. He sounds like a keeper. Please be careful about those nasty statements regarding how can he like his job when he's in sales. Trying to make him feel bad, or that his work is meaningless is cruel. If nothing else does, that will be the thing that one day hurts him beyond repair.

The next time he's going off on a trip, help him pack. Smile and give him a nice sexy happy send-off. Hide a card in his bag that tells him how much you love him, and respect that he works so hard. And then when he's gone, find a Tai Chi class or join a Curves or go play with the cats at your local animal shelter. Spend some time on yourself and thank your lucky stars you landed a great guy like you have.

Do you have a relationship question? Email me through the link in my profile. Thanks!

More by this Author


6 comments

linda 6 years ago

I am really embarrassed and really glad I wrote to you at the same time. I read this and thought you were being harsh. But then I started to cry and I realized something was clicking. I showed it to my boyfriend. He was nervous to see it thinking you would just man-bash. But after he read it he said this is really true. He said it bothers him that I am so sucpicious. But he said he'd just keep going along with it hoping one day I would realize.

There is more to the story that I didn't share, but it all fits in with what you're saying. I gave up a lot of my life and I don't know why. I was cheated on and I think I was dedicating myself to my relationship. I have a lot to think about here. Thank you for the direct kick in the pants. You really awesome Veronica.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Linda,

Thanks for the follow up. I received your email as well. I'm really glad you let your guard and felt the clicks. I have the feeling you guys will be just fine. xo


Megan 6 years ago

Veronica,

You are BOMBSAUCE!

I love reading your articles. Keep up the good work. :)

Respectfully.

Megan


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thank you, Megan! xo


impressed 6 years ago

i continue to be blown away by how specific and insightful your advice is. you are really good at this.


gregadams 4 years ago

I am the guy in this article... Not actually this person, but I am in almost the exact situation. When I first started reading this, it sounded exactly like the situation my girlfriend and I are in. (I travel a lot for work, enjoy my job : she works, has been cheated on in the past and is always telling me I don't spend enough time with her. She also tells me I should look for a new job so I am with her more. So here is a question.... how can I send this article to my girlfriend without insulating her? I think she needs to work on the "you" part in her life. Thanks a lot!

Submit a Comment
New comments are not being accepted on this article at this time.
Click to Rate This Article
working