He Want Kids But No Marriage. She's a Single Mom. Should She Trust Him?

hi Veronica,i'm a single mim with two kids. i've been with my boyfriend for 3 months but we've...

friends for 6 yrs. he's asking me have kids with him but doesn't want to get married b'cos he doesn't believe in it. We may get engaged but only after we have kids. i was let down by my previous partners and all i want is security. he says he isn't them and i have to trust him. i'm so confused.

- Miss Dodoo

The thing that triggers the red flag about him in your words is that you "may" get engaged but only after you have kids.

It's good that this dear old friend of yours has been honest regarding not believing in marriage. But putting that "maybe after I get what I want" teaser out there sets off all kinds of alarms. Is he saying after he gets what he wants his way without considering what you want as a partner, maybe he will change his beliefs? If that's what he's saying, that's pretty fucked up. 

I've noticed you didn't state that you want marriage. But clearly, you do, or you wouldn't be writing. It's a tell that you didn't state it. I realize you may have been trying to keep your hub request short or that you believe it goes without saying. Still, the tell is there. And what it says is, you've stopped asking for what you want, probably because you feel like it's a waste of time since you never get it. 

His telling you he's not like your ex's doesn't make it true. He's not working with you as a partner. He's not a partner, he's dictating to you what he wants, and disregarding what you want. He's telling you "you have to trust him" and forget about what you want.

Additionally you have two children already. You already have kids. Surrendering what you want in life, and abiding by what he wants, sends a message to your children of subservience. Not to mention that their welfare and peace of mind is on the line when he decides the next thing he's going to tell you he wants without caring about what you want.

You've only been together 3 months. Having been friends for years doesn't change the fact that you're only seeing him as a life partner for a very short amount of time. You didn't mention if you're in love with him. Another tell, yes. The only feeling you mention at all is that of being let down.

Miss Dodoo, I think you are in a very vulnerable place emotionally. I think you're feeling a little desperate. I'm sorry past relationships have left you in that state. And I'm sure the massive responsibility of raising the children you have weighs on your desire for security.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and secure. As a mother, your desire for security should be something celebrated. You want to provide a stable, secure home for your children. That's a wise and admirable quality to have.

There is absolutely nothing that would be safe or secure by having more kids. Nothing. It will only make your life harder and your heart sadder. There is absolutely nothing trustable about being with a partner that tells you what you want doesn't matter, and you have to live your life and make life changing decisions his way, and his way only. I realize I'm limited by the very small amount of information you've shared. But you have to see that this isn't the life you know you want deep in your heart, so why on earth would you settle? If you can't think about what you want anymore, then think about your kids. No matter what you need to consider the very real facts of what having more children will mean to the children you are already committed to raising. You have no guarantee of the security you seek here. His telling you that you "have" to trust him is ludicrous.

I really have the feeling from your wording that you know this deep down. You really have to listen to that inner voice that is telling you not to do this. Trust your instincts, and seek out the one you really love. The one that behaves like a partner, and loves you back, and wants the same kind of commitment that you want. That's the only way you and your children will find happiness, and the security you deserve.

Thanks for requesting this Hub from me. Namaste.