He Wants to Have a Bachelor Party?

The Bachelor Party dates back to 5th Century Greece. It was basically a libation celebration, attended by men, thrown for a groom by his groomsmen. Traditionally, the best man’s gift to his betrothed friend was supposed to be the alcohol for the wedding and pre-wedding festivities. This is where the “best man’s toast” originates, as he was responsible for supplying the spirits.

Celebrated for centuries in many countries around the world, the bachelor party is also called a stag, buck, or bull’s party. Similar celebrations occur

It’s almost tribal in it’s conception. Similar libation celebrations occur in many cultures prior to a man’s commencement into a new part of his life. Old World European’s have a similar men’s night prior to a man going off to war, and immediately following the birth of a child. It is said that these kinds of long drinking celebrations are especially indulgent since the man of honor is entering into a new level of responsibility, such as marriage, fatherhood, or being a soldier, where such opportunities will be far fewer in his future.

Traditionally it is a toast to his past life of less responsibility while also ushering in his new life; one of higher manhood. The male bonding at these celebrations is significant. Fathers, brothers, friends, family, showing approval and camaraderie.

The Bachelor Party has evolved in the USA away from the libation and male bonding celebration, into a sexual men’s night prior to the wedding.

Many brides to be have a problem with the idea. She may feel that if he “needs” to have a bachelor party, he isn’t ready to commit to marriage.

Many husbands to be want to have the Bachelor party for a variety of reasons. Some do look forward to the make bonding tradition. Some really are looking forward to an explosive night of strippers and hookers, and some want to have one just so they don’t have to bare the painful embarrassment of having to tell their father, brothers and friends that their fiancé “wouldn’t let them” have a bachelor party.


The Bachelor Party fight is probably just a symptom of a much deeper bigger problem.

A marriage is a partnership that needs to be based on communication and trust. He can’t disregard her feelings and have a Bachelor party while she is so uncomfortable about it. Just like she can’t demand that he not have this once in a lifetime party if he wants to have one.

Problems of trust and control will only magnify over time. If this is one, it is merely a foreshadow of what’s to come. Neither of you is in charge of the other. Both of you are equals in the marriage, with as much right to be heard and valued as the other. Neither of you gets to put your foot down regarding decisions like this. And if your partner to be thinks they can get away with that tantrum type of behavior, you really need to consider what life with that kind of person is going to be like.
 
 Perhaps at the heart of your Bachelor Party problem, is that the two of you have different ideas about sex. If you’re a sexually secure open minded person and your partner a prude, there will be a life long struggle against sexual repression if you stay with this partner.


My husband had a bachelor party. I wouldn’t have married him if I thought he wasn’t honest with me, or if I thought I couldn’t trust him. He wouldn’t have married me if he felt mistrusted or controlled. I can enjoy a jiggle joint, and a rousing porno. He and I had been to a few strip bars together, and I told him whatever he wanted to do was fine, I trusted him. He wanted to party with his friends and his brothers. He’s the one that told them – no strippers. It wasn’t me. He said it was just something he wasn’t interested in having there. He was more into playing poker and doing shots for his Bachelor party.

The important thing isn’t what he did or didn’t do. The important thing really is that we are well suited for each other. We talk about everything. We feel similarly about important subjects, our morals and values are not clashing, they are the same. We don’t have to force our opinions down each other’s throats. We don’t make demands of each other. We don’t shut off to each other. We are together more than 12 years as of today, and we still celebrate each other instead of slamming or controlling each other.


If the issue isn’t a fundamental difference between the two of you, then just finding a compromise for the Bachelor party is probably easier than you’d think.

One way to solve the issue is to make it a couple’s party instead of men only. 2 of our friends got married about 8 years ago, and threw a fabulous decadent Bachelor/Bachelorette party in Atlantic City. They invited 5 or 6 couples to Atlantic City. The guys played golf and smoked cigars in the afternoon while the ladies hit the spa for facials, pedicures and massages.

They rented two suites, one for the guys and one for the girls, to shower and dress after the lavish afternoon. Then we all met for dinner. After dinner the couple gave out token bags of dollar coins for gambling, and we all enjoyed the casino for a few hours. Then we reconvened one last time for the midnight cabaret show in a martini bar.

If a couples/combo party isn’t right for you, then suggest something really special, decadent, but within what you both agree is safe. Great tickets for the groom to be and his groomsmen to a hockey game or a basketball game is the perfect way to go. Or how about a trip to Cooperstown? Or a day at the races? For example at the Pocono Speedway you can race a racecar on the track. Something special like that, that feels once-in-a-lifetime even if it’s for a smaller group of the guys is still a way to honor his male bonding.

Another compromise factor may be to include her family. Ladies, he’s not going to do anything stupid with your father right there, let alone your brothers and uncles or whomever. And if he is the kind of man that would let his friends get out of hand in front of his soon-to-be in-laws, you have much bigger problems than the Bachelor party, as we discussed before.


Talk. Listen. Agree.

Talk. Listen. Don’t demand, or threaten, or pout, or throw a tantrum. If you’re getting married, you should be capable of behaving like a partner, not a spoiled child.

Regarding the bachelor party, the marriage, friends, money, child rearing, partying, housekeeping, everything – you need to listen to each other and communicate honestly. If you don’t understand why your partner feels the way they do, ask them to teach you. Ask them to talk about it until you understand.

And it may come out that even they don’t understand why they feel the way they do. That’s ok. Your partner should always feel safe enough with you that they can say – I’m scared. I’m confused. I don’t understand.

As a couple you should be able to figure it out together. You shouldn’t live feeling your partner judges you, controls you, or doesn’t listen to you.

Whether you both agree to have a combo bachelor/bachelorette party, or no bachelor party, or a total free for all bachelor party – the important thing is that you AGREED.


This Hub was

written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you're reading it someplace else, it's been stolen.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are courtesy of Youtube.

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Comments 4 comments

Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Great hub!!


Lucy 5 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I wondered if you could give me some advice. My fiancé and I are getting married soon, and we're having separate hen and stag dos, as is the norm in the uk. That's fine and I have no problem with my fiancé having a few days away with his friends. He's going to Budapest and I am having a couple of nights away with my girl friends. I don't care how much they drink, I just want him to have a great time, as will I. The one part I have a problem with is the lap dance. I don't mind if he goes into a strip club but I know his friends will be buying him dances. I trust him and I know it is just a bit of a giggle looking at naked ladies, like naughty school boys. But ithe thought of him being led to some dark corner and having a private lap dance does make me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to make demands on him, and part of me wants him to have this rite of passage (which is what it is in the uk) but another part of me feels insanely jealous of some stunner grinding away in front of him. I've told him how I feel and he says he will be honest with me and tell me if it happens, which is great. But I'm scared if he does do it, the thought of it will affect my self esteem. I don't want to let it but I can't help it! I really wish I could get over this and view it as what it is- just a bit of fun, but I know myself and I know it will affect me. I can't ask him not to do it as I don't want to make demands, and it's not like he's the kind of guy who would go and get a lap dance on a normal Saturday night out with the boys so it's a one off but how do I deal with this? I know my man likes the camaraderie of his friends but I know he will feel like he's losing face if he says no. I think his friends will organise something of this nature for him. In a way I don't mind if it's organised by his friends and it's a bit of a lap dance in front of the group, that seems more of a joke, but I just hate the thought of him going off to a corner with a girl, it just feels too intimate. Any advice on how to handle this?I don't want to be a controlling wife but at the same time I want him to understand, and if I'm honest act according to, my feelings- but is that controlling?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Lucy,

I so appreciate your very well articulated position.

I want to stress that you really sound great. You sound fair, and honest, and completely logical.

It's wonderful that you realize this is a one-off and not a big deal. It's also incredibly mature of you to realize that putting demands on him, or putting him in a position of embarrassment over a silly thing like this with his friends is not a good idea. You have all the makings of a wonderful partner - I am quite hopeful you'll have a wonderful marriage. It is fantastic that you've communicated your feelings to your fiance, and it sounds like he has listened, and that's good.

You and your man have to set your own parameters of what's acceptable and what's not. You two have to agree and compromise and come to those decisions privately. The thing about the stag party is that it isn't just his decision. Yes, of course it's his decision to say "no" but as you said, it's a one last night, it's a rite of passage, it is just a one time thing with the guys BEFORE he becomes your life partner, and your wonderful understanding of his not wanting to be embarrassed at this one moment is truly a reflection of your strength.

There is one "tell" in your comment about what's going on underneath the surface here. You said thinking about this will affect your self esteem. Oh sweetie, that's not good. Your self esteem should never ever be at the mercy of any other woman, no matter who or what she is. My advice to you is to focus on this very specific part of what you described. Why would a stranger affect your self esteem? Look, it would be truly perfect if your boyfriend said no to the part of the evening you've expressed concern over. And I really hope that's what happens. But there's a chance the pints will be flowing and his friends will be pushy, and he'll go along with the moment, as that is all it is: a very silly moment. He may choose not to embarrass his friends, or a girl that's standing there as he's saying NO. So, let's prepare for that.

He's marrying you. He loves you. He's listening to you. You're partnership ready, you're mature, intelligent and very sensitive. Those are things that might be better to focus on in regards to esteem. You sound awesome.


Lucy 5 years ago

Thanks Veronica, for all the wisdom, and the compliments! You've really helped. You're right about the self esteem part, I shouldn't let anyone affect it, and that's what I'd tell a friend if she said the same thing to me. Somehow though, I do have the odd day when it does affect my self esteem. I actually feel fine about it now, maybe I'll feel a little worried again when he goes but I know I can trust him and he does listen to me (albeit with a little arguing in the middle of it all) I think what bothered me was him being led off to some closed off room or dark corner alone, and him initiating it all but I think it's more likely to be his friends buying him a dance, which doesn't bother me as much- it's just a bit of fun and I know that.

I really believe in listening to each other and finding a compromise, and I think we've done that. I don't think he shouldn't do it or anything, I think I was getting a little paranoid that he'd be in strip clubs all weekend having a huge stripper fest! But in reality, I bet they'll go to one and the rest of the time they'll be more interested in drinking, if I know the guys at all...thanks again.

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