Engagement Rings: Will She Hate It? How Much Should You Spend?

Luxury Expenses

Dear Veronica,

I finally proposed to my girlfriend last Valentine's Day. She said yes, but I knew something was wrong. About a month later I finally got her to admit to me what the problem was. She hated the ring. We are now in the process of shopping for another ring. My family and friends are very disturbed that she didn't want the ring I picked out. Any thoughts from you on this?

Mario

***************

Dear Mario,

There are different reasons she may not like the ring. And I don't have enough information from your email to tell her reasoning, so I am going to discuss a couple.

Is the ring she is shopping for now a complete upgrade? This could be indicative of a major conflict between you and her. If you spent a reasonable amount of money on the ring but stayed within your means, then you did well. Her expecting more than what you can afford is a horrible foreshadowing of what's to come in a life with her.

If you were cheap, however, then I can understand her frustration. She's showing her hand to her friends and family, and she may be equating your cheapness, to how much you care about her. Before you think I am sympathizing with gold diggers, let me clarify further. I'm specifically comparing this ring, with how much you spend or can afford to spend, on luxury items for yourself. Did you just spend $1500 on yourself on a new leather jacket, but spent $800 on her ring? Do you easily drop $100 a week in a bar with your friends, but spent less than $1200 on her ring? I'm speaking strictly within the confines of what you really can afford.

This is supposed to be a token of your love and commitment. There is a fine line between frugal and cheap. There is also a fine line between showing her what she means to you, and insulting her.

They say the rule of thumb is three months salary. Personally, I think that's extreme. Many people can't spend three month's salary on a luxury item. And the money would be better used invested in a house, or a car. Consider what you spend on entertainment, toys and extras. And dipping a little into your savings is not out of the question: this is supposed to be the most important gift you ever give.

If you've really selected a monetarily appropriate ring, and she wants you to spend twice that, then your family is right in their concern. If that isn't the case, then straighten this out with your family now before they start seeing your girlfriend in an inaccurate or unfair light.

The other reason your fiancé may be looking for another ring could be the style. Don't forget that this is something she is going to wear every day. Did your style choice reflect her taste? Did you pick out a yellow gold band in spite of her never wearing yellow gold? Did you pick out something very busy, when her taste is much more simple? Did you pick out a very traditional ring, when clearly she is a very modern fashioned woman? To her, this may not be about the ring, but instead about your not noticing her taste and her choices. She may want the ring to represent your ability to pay attention to her. Noticing the color metal she predominantly wears, or her general style, is something that really may be very important to her. (Equate that with your being a Yankee fan, and her buying you a Mets jersey and saying, it's baseball. You should just love it.)

Maybe you've chosen a style that just isn't comfortable. Maybe the band is thin and cuts her, or hurts to wear. Maybe the setting is very high, and after wearing it for a month she found it to be getting caught on everything, and wanted to find something less protruding so she could wear it everyday comfortably without fear of losing the diamond.

I agree with the Spirit of the Contract philosophy on this. In general, she should love the ring for what it says, not what it looks like or how much it costs. I agree with that.

But Mario, there are two sides to every contract. Did you keep your side of the contract? Did you pick out a ring that you really thought she would like? Did you notice her taste and her style, and try to pick something SHE would have picked for herself? Did you spend a reasonable amount of money on it? And again, I'm not saying, did you go into debt. I'm saying does this conditional gift really represent how you feel about her as compared to the other luxury items you spend money on, like season tickets, your toys and cars, or your wardrobe?

The Spirit of the Contract goes both ways. She's "supposed" to love the ring. But, you're supposed to make an effort here too. If you don't already know, then find out exactly why she wanted a different ring. Before you get married and commit the rest of your life to someone, you should be on the same page when it comes to money and spending. And I think its also fair to say that you need to pay attention and notice her, and she needs to appreciate your efforts and meanings.

Good luck to you both, Mario.

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Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

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Comments 102 comments

Helen 9 years ago

I wanted to believe one day when someone asks me to marry him that I would not be superficial and love the ring no matter what. But you are right. It will show how well he knows me. There is more to it than just money.


Isabella Snow profile image

Isabella Snow 9 years ago

I have my engagement ring still - Mario's fiancée can have it if she wants. :)


Pearl 9 years ago

this is a fantastic and detailed advice column on engagement rings. you're right, he should be picking a ring that reflects her personal style and he should be spending a correct amount of money. thinking she will just love it no matter what is unfair. i like how you write, you really are easy to read.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Thanks!

I received an email from a jeweler that said he has this article hanging up in his store. He said if only more guys took the time to pick out the "right" ring, he'd have so many less returns and problems.


Dino 9 years ago

I think most women that don't like the ring are gold diggers. But you do make some good points. My ex wife wore all yellow gold and I bought her a white gold engagement ring. I guess that was my bad, i never noticed til after we were divorced and she mentioned it.


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 9 years ago from Sydney

Both times I got married, my fiancé took me shopping and we chose the ring together. I think that was a sign that we were truly ready - it shows that you're thinkijng of your finances as a couple, not as two individuals. If you dn't feel you can be that open with your partner, maybe you should give it some more time.


Susan Ng profile image

Susan Ng 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

The ring really does tell a lot about how well your man knows you, doesn't it? Only in my case, it was probably doubly hard for my fiancé to pick out a ring because I don't wear any jewelry. Rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings and even wristwatches irritate me during prolonged wear, especially during hot days (which are almost every day here in the Philippines).

I only wear the ring when I go out; I take it off and keep it in its box when I'm at home. Sometimes when I'm wearing it and the area around my ring finger gets irritated, I slip the ring off and transfer it to another finger for a few minutes. My fiancé knows it's not because I don't like the ring though so he doesn't get offended. :-)

But I agree, we tend to see the ring as a concrete representation of how much our man loves, understands, and knows us. Good luck to all prospective proposers this year. Haha! :-p


toby 8 years ago

dude, why do you want her to have a ring she doesn't like? I mean, you spend a friggin fortune on it and she has to wear it the rest of her life. She should at least like it a little. You're lucky she told you instead of just hating it for 50 years.


lifedancer profile image

lifedancer 8 years ago from California

Great advice. So many couples have trouble with finances, if they apply this advice to all financial issues, they will have a better chance to survive. Open communication on the ring, and all issues, is key.


lifedancer profile image

lifedancer 8 years ago from California

For the women with irritation from gold -- Your gold my have been alloyed with nickle. Many people are allergic, get red and itchy. Today most gold in nickle free. I have a few earings that irritate. I dip the post in triple antibiotic ointment. That solves the problem for a day. It's not as practical with a ring, but may help when wearing it when you'll not be washing your hands a lot.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

lifedancer - great gold tip. Thanks!


Opera Ghost profile image

Opera Ghost 8 years ago

You are absolutely right. I've had to 'oo' and 'aah' over so many bad rings in the last few years from my friends that I feel somebody needs to set the men straight on this. Thank you!


Cassie 8 years ago

Hi Veronica - I've been reading your articles and love how insightful and straight to the point they are. I feel like so many of them are directed at me! After reading this one I have a question on this subject that I hope you can answer.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years now and I know we will get married - it's been long enough that our friend's and family are always asking us so how could we not talk about it? We've looked at jewelry together plenty and I KNOW he knows my style. He also makes decent money and I'm not concerned that he would try to be cheap. My concern is this: his mom died the year before we got together. As the oldest son his dad has promised him his mom's wedding ring - a yellow gold band with diamonds and ruby's. Not my style at all. I don't like colored stones and I don't like yellow gold. I am a silver, diamond, intricate detailing kind of girl. Through our discussions over the years I had gotten the idea that this ring would be presented to me as something I could wear sometimes for fun, until the other night when we were talking about marriage and he said, "I hope you'll be happy with my mom's ring because I promised her I would give it to the girl I marry." As in, that's all you get.

Am I selfish for wanting my own ring?? This is a very sensitive subject because he was very close to his mom and from everything I've heard I know I would have loved her, but I don't love her ring!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Dear Cassie,

Thanks for reading my articles, I really appreciate hearing they've given you some insight.

I feel really strongly about this answer. I have more than a little experience in this exact arena.

Your bf knows you, knows your taste, knows what you want and what you don't want. That's why he's already trying to break the ice of this by telling you what he has told you, that he "HOPES" you will find a way to be happy with his mom's ring.

He promised her. It is his way of having his mother at his wedding.

Since he is saying things like he is, I have the feeling he may even be scared to propose now because of this. Scared to give it to you. Scared to see you reject her, and reject the promise he made to his dying mother.

In a couple years you could say to him that this ring is heavy, or you catch it on things, or you can see where the settings are all old and wearing and you're afraid you're going to lose the stones or break the prongs. You could say you want to preserve it, not fix it or change it. You'd like to put this ring away, to make sure it's in tact exactly as his mother had it, for you two to give to your future daughter or daughter in law. You'll only wear it on very special occasions from now on. And, you'd like him to get you another ring, that you can wear all the time.

But that time is not right now.

I believe with everything inside of me that you need to see the heart of a man that makes this kind of promise to his mother, and appreciate what you are getting - him. I really hope you can do that.

I don't think you're selfish to want your own ring. But I also know more than one marriage that never made it off the ground because of the engagement ring. You're going to get your way about so many other aspects of the wedding. The dress, the hall, the colors, the flowers, the music, the food, the cake... it's going to be you you you. And eventually will you get your way on the ring too if you give it some time. But I think you need to give him this one thing. This one thing, that is obviously so intensly close to his heart.


Cassie 8 years ago

Thank you so much for replying so quickly. Part of me really wanted this to be your answer - I absolutely appreciate the emotion and sensitivity he shows quite regularly, and I should have added that when he cries for his mom I can't help but cry too. In so many ways we have the same soul and I know I can't take this away from him. I will be happy to accept this ring from him and the love and devotion that it shows on so many levels, and maybe someday I'll have my own ring to pass down along with this one. Thanks again.


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 8 years ago from Sydney

What a wonderful answer Veronica, I think you are absolutely right.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Thank you Marisa!

Cassie, I'm so glad. He sounds wonderful. Much happiness to both of you~~


Steve 8 years ago

Wow, you are good. Awesome advice.


Megan 8 years ago

Wow...great answer to a question it's a little early for me to be pondering but I am all the same.

I'm dating a guy who lost his mom just a few months before we started seeing each other. It's not that serious yet, but I have a feeling that this could come up at some point in the future. Its great to be prepated.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Megan. Good luck with your relationship, keep us posted.


Nick 8 years ago

Hey I just proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years, I talked to her family and friends about the ring because she wanted to be surprised. The only problem is that now she is not happy with the surprise, she likes it and the fact that I gave it to her, but she wishes it could be different. I know that her parents are giving her a lot of grief about wanting to change the ring and she feels bad too but she still wants to change it. I am hoping that she will learn to like the ring and that we can match it with a wedding ring that she will like, and also I cannot afford another ring. What would you suggest, all I want is to make her happy.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Nick

You're not giving me what it is about the ring she isn't thrilled with. The metal color? The size of the rock? 

Still, even without the specific info you did give me two major pieces of the scenario:

1 - You discussed the ring with her family & friends. Obviously, you cared and made the investment of time and energy to try to make the right choice for something she'd really like and want to wear every day.

2 - She wanted to be surprised.

Alot of this article was about the idea that some men don't make the effort you made to try to select a ring in the right style, shape, setting, and metal that you know she'd appreciate. If you sought out thoughts and ideas from people closest to her you made that effort.  

And, the kicker is, she wanted to be surprised. Some women don't, and ask that if that special time comes, that they get to select their own ring.  But she did, she wanted you to pick out the ring, and to surprise her. So, she got what she wanted. If you give her a little time, she may come to realize she wants exactly what she thought she wanted.

You did everything right. And the fact that you're admitting you can't afford another ring shows you're thinking soundly about the future. 

You haven't come out and said it, but I am just getting the feeling that the dislike wasn't about gold-digging. I hope that's the case.

It's wonderful that you want to make her happy, and you already did everything within your power to do that. My suggestion is that she's going to have to suck it up and live with this ring for a while. Tell her on your 2 or 3 year anniversary you will re-visit the subject again. Maybe you will use these diamonds in a different setting, or maybe she can pick out her own five year diamond necklace. Whatever it is, it's up the road when there's been time to save, and there's been time for her to settle down. She may just be feeling excitement and stress, and at some point in the near future, will realize she loves and cherishes this ring for all the right reasons. 

 


Nick 8 years ago

Thanks I hope that this is the case...and it was not the metal but just the setting.


Michelle 8 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Your advice has been great. But her is my problem. I don't like my engagement ring and I don't know what to do. I have been engaged for almost a year and I feel like it's to late to change it?

I know it is about the marriage and not the ring and I also don't want to hurt his feelings. It's not the size that is fine, the cost was reasonable, not cheap but not excessive. I just don't like to the shape or setting.

During the first couple of years that we were dating he told me my engagement ring would be a ring that belonged to his grandmother. Which neither he nor I had ever seen. Based on the age I assumed the ring would be yellow gold which I don't wear. So I pointed out to him that he could always have it reset in white gold before giving it to me. This did not offend him since the ring was not special to him, it was just something that was in his family.

We also talked about new engagement rings. When we did I was very clear about what I liked. We never discussed size, just style and color. I specifically on many occasions stated that I liked/wanted a princess cut in white gold. I even told him to have my best friend help him.

He did not and he got me round diamond in a setting that I am not crazy about. It has been a year I have hinted and sort of questioned why he chose this particular ring but he never really gotten an answer. The thing is while some many may spend time searching and choosing an enagement ring. That is just not my fiancé. I know that he purchased the ring the day he proposed, and it's just not his style to shop and browse for anything, it doesn't matter the cost of the purchase.

I thought the ring would grow on me, so I didn't say anything but it really hasn't. And as we have started to look for wedding bands nothing seems to match or fit with it and it is just making it worse. What should I do.??

Thanks, Michelle


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Dear Michelle,

Two-fold answer here.

Firstly, if he bought the ring the day he proposed, and was even open to changing his grandmother's setting had it been that ring, it doesn't sound like he's too terribly sentimental about the ring, and you might just be able to be honest about your feelings with him. Especially while shopping for bands, you could pick out a ring you'd prefer and be honest about it. You could point out this is something that isn't about right or wrong, it's just something that seems to matter more to you than it did to him, and since that's the case would it be ok to make an exchange. You said this is just who he is, I don't think this one is a big deal. You know this about him. You said this is just kinda like him. If you're going to spend your life with him accepting him as he is, you should be able to let him accept you for who you are too. And who you are is someone who cares a lot more than he does about this ring. Really, this isn't a big deal. Just an issue you should be able to work through.

Secondly, your comment was stacked in a certain way. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it seemed that you unfolded in a certain order, establishing your situation, and describing your efforts, and that you spent a year hoping it would grow on you and it did not, and you listed the personality traits he doesn't really have.

It makes me want to ask you, are you sure you're talking about the ring?

Don't jump to defense, don't even articulate your answer right away. Just see how that feels, and walk around with it for a little while. Do you have doubts about a life with him? Now that it's come down to the wire, are you maybe second guessing this step?

It's perfectly natrual to do that. Sometimes it's just cold feet.It's a nervous reaction that goes away once you really think about it. It's not a big deal, it's just an honest normal thing.


Laura 8 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I have a little different situation on my end.. I was just told by my current boyfriend that he has a ring already picked out for me. We've talked about marriage so it's not a complete surprise but we didn't discuss a lot about jewelry and what kinds I do and don't like. He said it was his great grandmothers ring and is about 100 years old. He said his mother offered it to him when we first started dating that just in case he could have it. We had been talking about jewelry and I did say I liked the older looking jewelry and I guess he took it as I like older jewelry and said it's done and he talked to his mom about the ring again and he is going to give it to me at some point. It needs resized he said but it's white gold like I wear and he said he thinks I will like it. He saw it and said it wasn't very big, not like he thought it was.. I am concerned now about a couple things... One is what if I don't like the ring he, his family already knows and I feel a lot of pressure incase I don't like it. It might be a great ring but I'm a little scared about it. I agree that it's a nice gesture he is giving me a ring that was in his family that long ago but he didn't say about a story on it..maybe he will save it for when we get engaged but what should I think about this situation? Any insight on this would be helpful. I don't want something huge and expensive but I want something that is my own and my personal style.. And I feel if I say anything that it might come off like that.

Thanks, Laura


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Laura,

Honestly, your whole situation sounds sweet, from all sides.

My advice is, stop stressing this. You don't even know that you aren't going to like it. Let this go. You have so many better things to stress about. It sounds like everyone's heart is in the right place, and truly that is the important thing.

If you do get engaged you will have the wedding to plan. Flowers, dresses, halls, bands, menus, cakes, limos, invitations, seating arrangements.... And you have a marriage to plan. Finances, living arrangements, jobs and cars and taxes and insurance and a gabillion other things.

The big point of this article was about the folks who are misdirected or gold digging, or lazy or not paying attention. NONE of those things apply to you.

When he gives you the ring, love it for what it is as you know to do. Don't stress liking it or not, or if it's truly you or not. I actually have the feeling you're going to love it. And if you don't, it is SOOOOO fixable up the road. Just accept it lovingly, embrace his family and the gesture, and his sweetness. Have your wedding, start your life.

And then, up the road on an anniversary, come back to the ring and let him know you'd like to do something different. Rejecting it immediately will set the stage for a lot of animosity and discomfort. Let the stability of your love for each other settle in first. Seriously, you have better things to think about. Then on the 2nd or 3rd anniversary, tell him you'd like an "every day" ring, and you'd like to save this family heirloom for special occasions, so that you can best preserve it and continue the tradition, and pass it down in the family to your children.

You're fine. Continue to be fine.


Laura 8 years ago

Thanks for your feedback Veronica, I know you a truly right on that part. I think it's more of the shock factor I guess of hearing that over the weekend and everything. I agree, it's not like it's the most important thing at the moment... And like he said before, it's not like I would reject him because of the ring either way. I think it was that and the fact he was asking my parents for their permission over the weekend that might of made this all kind of crazy for me and that's what I ended up thinking about more...


Lady LaShonda profile image

Lady LaShonda 7 years ago from Atlantic City, New Jersey

This is the realist hub on engagement rings. I have to say, my hubband got it right with mine. I could tell he paid close attention to my hands because I had another ring close to the one he gave to me. In fact I loved my engagement ring better. Needless to say when we got married, I got a set of new rings. Now I am on my second set and about to get another set this July when we renew our vows. Check out my hub for beautiful wedding rings that won't break the bank.

http://www.hubpages.com/hub/Wedding-Packages


Amber90 profile image

Amber90 7 years ago

"Her expecting more than what you can afford is a horrible foreshadowing of what's to come in a life with her." - That cannot be written any other way! Excellent thought and great post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. I have seen friends and family be put through his exact situation and only once have I seen someone read the other person well enough to call things off...after being engaged! I have never been in that situation to understand the difficulty, but that is a true test of following your gut. What a well written article with enjoyable comments! Waiting for the next one.


John 7 years ago

Who should decide when to buy the ring and how much it should be? I have been with my gf for a few yrs and have stated several times in the past that I intend to marry her (although never when). In a couple months I'm going to attend med school in a new city for the next 4 yrs. For the past several months I’ve been consumed with deciding on schools and even now I’m focused on the moving process and the related details. I’m not in the mood to plan a proposal/wedding but after briefly mentioning that I would like to get married in 2 yrs my gf and her parents are pressing forward with wedding plans. They researched the hall on their own & are holding a date with my approval. They also went engagement ring shopping on their own w/o inviting me. I made it clear that I wasn't going to propose until next yr, but didn’t object to them looking. My gf told me she picked out the ring and wants to buy it now before I leave. I asked to go with her to shop other places (b/c I wanted to be involved & also felt it was too expensive) but she found excuses at all of the other stores, even though the specs were similar and the price more affordable. Her mom has offered to pay for it now since I don’t have the cash right now and I pay her back later. Knowing that I will be $350K+ in debt b/c of private school, is it right for my gf to be so insistent on the exact specs of her diamond? Also, should we not just wait until next yr to buy the ring when I’m back in town and ready to propose then?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

John

It was not right that your gf go ring shopping with her family, when you expressed that you wanted to be part of that process. It is even worse that she picked out a ring you can't afford and allowed her mother to part of that very intimate marital decision by offering to pay.

John, this is bad. This is all bad. This is major shadowing of things to come. The way you feel right now - pushed, not listened to, not inlcuded - I promise you, this is how you are going to feel for the rest of your life if you marry this girl.

Bravo for you with your education and your plans. Focus on them. If I were you I would tell the gf to forget any ring that is supposed to be a gift from you, that you weren't included in. I woud tell her forget the date and the planning until you actually propose.

You're sensitive enough to communicate your feeings and intentions. For most healthy and mature partners, that would be plenty. But your GF is planning your future and spending money you don't have BEFORE you even propose? John dear, something very very wrong with this picture.


John 7 years ago

Thank you very much for your quick response and advice. It looks like I have a lot to think about...


Amy 7 years ago

Veronica,

Hi, So my BF and I, We been together 4 years and We just had our daughter and I wanna get married and he knows that. Today he tells me he bought me a ring(month ago) then returned it because he heard me talk of different kinds of rings. He tells me exactly what he got me and that I made him feel it wasn't good enough, I got so upset. I dont want a different ring, I would have been happy with what he picked, he generally knows what I like, I just said I wanted it to be the nicest piece of jewlery i'll ever own, something beautiful but not over the top and he took that as I wanted an incredibly expensive ring which I do not, Now I think that 2K is more than plenty for a ring( which I told him), I have simple jewelry and keep it neat. Am I in the wrong for being so upset? I feel he ruined my experience for being proposed too by telling me this and making me feel materialistic and ungreatful which I am not. I do want a gorgeous ring, but it was never about the price, it was about him taking what I liked and using his own eye to find it. I need help b/c I dont even know what to do


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Amy

Honestly it sounds like he's playing you. I don't believe he bought a ring and returned it. It sounds more like a common scheme to buy himself more time, and put off asking you to marry him. Not only does he get away with putting it off for more months, he's also got you feeling like that's your fault. Plus, he's also got you telling him any ring he picks out is fine, it doesn't have to be big and expensive.


Nicole 7 years ago

I love this column also, my fiancée and I went and picked out rings together, I showed him a few that I like all around the same style. I liked plain white gold 1 carat round diamond solitares with just a plain band. I figured it wasn't that hard and I made it easy for him.

He gave me a 1/2 carat princess cut, yes its simple but not what I wanted. I dont like princess cut at all on me, it reminds me of a little girls ring and the band has abunch of 1/2 carat diamonds on it, which is very weird to me, def not my style.

I know it is not that he can not afford it, so yes it hurt my feelings, and made me feel that he doesn't listen to me. I let him know it was a pretty ring just not close to what we picked out or my style and he got upset, so I just wear it everyday, dont say anything, and hate it.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Nicole,

I'm so sorry to hear this. You're absolutely right - he didn't listen. You picked out a simple, modest, classic ring and let him know what you liked, and he didn't pay any attention to you at all. If the only difference was the 1 carat to 1/2 carat, I would say it's probably what he could afford. But a completely different cut, and the diamonds in the band show he decided it didn't matter what you asked for.

what's worse is that when you called him on it, he got upset.

Alot of people will say, it's just a ring. But it's not just a ring. It's the most shining example of how the two of you communicate. It exemplifies that he didn't listen to you. You are wearing a ring every day that is supposed to be a symbol of your relationship, and what it symbolizes is that he didn't care enough to listen, and that you hate it, and that he isn't stepping up and fixing it.


conflicted_2 6 years ago

Dear Veronica,

You seem to have really well-balanced advice. I wonder if you can help me with this one...

My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and are now expecting a child. We're well established professionals in our late-30s. Just before Christmas, he proposed to me out of the blue and completely surprised me. I was thrilled with the proposal, but not so thrilled with the ring.

The main reason is that it doesn't actually look like an engagement ring, but rather looks like something cute and little you'd receive for a birthday or graduation. I was deeply disappointed when I saw it, but hid my feelings for two weeks. Although I felt touched at the gesture, and at his efforts to find it by himself, I would never have chosen such a ring as the style isn't me at all. It's a modern design that can't fit with a wedding band, it's bicolur gold rather than simple white, and is so small (including the diamond) it almost disappears on my hands. I had been dreaming of a simple, traditional solitaire in white gold (of a moderate size) - something that actually indicates that I'm engaged.

I'm ashamed to say that I'm embarassed to show it to friends and family. In fact, my sister told me in confidence that one of the family members considered the ring an insult to me. Other close friends who I show it to register a slight look of shock before telling me, 'oh, it's cute'.

My boyfriend told me he went to a lot of effort (visiting several stores) to find the ring that he liked best, and that he would be very hurt if I returned it.

I decided honesty was the best policy and told him I'd really like a ring that I could wear with a wedding band, and asked if we could go back to the shop to look at a possible different setting. He wasn't happy with this, but agreed. We went to the store and although it started well, it turned into a disasterous evening topped off by a few hours of silent treatment (from him) and tears (from me). Although he encouraged me to find another ring I liked, most of the rings at the store were not at all what I had hoped for. I found one I could live with and he got extremely tense and upset as it was priced at $3000. Turns out, he had spent a grand total of $1000 on the original ring, and he considered it a 'little gift' from his heart. Now he is mortally offended that I want to return it, and is disgusted with me for wanting something different 'just for the looks or size'. He believes that the symbolic significance of his gesture should outweigh any consideration of the look of the ring. In the end, we left all the rings there in the store and went home rather traumatized and upset on both sides.

It was clear that he never once considered what I might like. He didn't ask, or look for clues, or ask my friends... I feel like he doesn't know my tastes and doesn't care what they are. Further, he is not poor. He has substantial savings and makes a good salary. How could he give me a ring that isn't really an 'engagement' ring, and that is worth only $1000? He thinks this was an enormous investment - he said it was the most money he's ever spent on something except for his car. I love my boyfriend, and accept him as he is, even though he is extremely cheap and expects me to carry more weight financially than he does (because I earn more).

I love him, but he just has no idea what common norms are for men buying engagement rings and had no idea of my expectations.

Now, I feel so bad for upsetting him I'm half tempted to just go back and get the original and try to wear it proudly (I could wear it on the other hand once I have a wedding band). But the damage seems to have been done already, as he knows in my heart I'm not happy with it...

But if I select a new one, I'll always have this guilt hanging over me with the knowledge of having hurt him and his 'judgement' hanging over my head...

What do I do?

With thanks in advance,

Conflicted


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Conflicted,

What bothers me about your situation is how unwilling to communicate with you your partner seems to be.

It seem this is about him, and how he feels about your gift, and how much money he thinks is alot, and what he decides and feels.

I'm afraid that this example could be a shadow of what many life decisions will be like with him, from buying a home to having children, to raising them.

You've demonstrated an incredible amount of consideration for him - from what he thinks, to where he's coming from, to what he feels and wants. You're ready to be a partner. But don't let that override your ability to be honest with yourself. There are times you get to put yourself first. There are times when you need to say, stop being a whiney self-involved ass, and get me a ring that looks like an engagement ring.

He's revealed alot about himself with this situation. I hope you will really look at it. Good luck.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Gabriella,

WOW. That is certainly a special situation you're in. And it's so much more than the (lack of) the engagement ring! I'm writing you your very own hub. I'll post the link here as soon as I'm done.

xo


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Gabriella -

I've moved your comment to here:

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Wedding-Proposal...

where I've answered you in your own HUB. I hope you will check it out. Thanks for writing.

xo


Kitty 6 years ago

I'm not sure if the damage is done now. Last evening my fiancé and I had a couple friends over and were cooking out. I was telling an animated story, when all of a sudden, my engagement ring (2 sizes to big) flew off my finger and into the flowerbed. He scolded me (embarrassing me) for not being more careful with his "$2000 purchase". My heart sank once the initial embarrassment from the accidental ring launch wore off. He is a successful 37 year old man who earns a decent living. Calm down over the $2000 ring!

He popped the question a week ago. Honestly, the proposal was beautifully executed in front of a few of our friends and close family. It was a COMPLETE surprise. I loved the thought behind it. It was wonderful bliss.

About the ring...he went for quality rather than quantity despite my best efforts to impart on him how much I value quantity above quality. My twin sister even tried to guide him. Apparently, he refused to listen to her, convinced she was way off even though I hinted many times he should consult her to avoid getting the wrong ring. Needless-to-say, I ended up with a ring that is very plain that I don't like at all.

I feel bad about thinking he cheaped out on it...but that's exactly how I feel. He says we can upgrade it in a few years, but that isn't what I want to do. He says this is very common practice to upgrade. I'm sure it is for young people who are still getting their careers off the ground. He's established in his career and his life. I don't get it.

I am not materialistic. I don't believe the ring has to be 2 months salary. It shouldn't put him in the poor house. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a $3000 - $5000 ring from a man that earns $7000 a month.

He accused me of calling him cheap when I admitted being a little hurt that he didn't think I deserved a bit nicer I pretty sure I totally blew it when I reminded him about the common rule of thumb on expense: 2 months salary, but emphasized I certainly did not expect that. He should have kept the price he paid to himself. AND why didn't he get the thing sized before giving it to me?!! (He knew the ring size.) It looked rushed and afterthoughty. The ring would have never flown off my finger if he had at least had it sized first! He would have never accused me of being careless with it, blurting out the price. I would have taken the advice of my friends and never said a word about not liking it.

Now what?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Kitty,

Hmm. This is an interesting situation.

What always echos for me is that he didn't listen to you. He didn't care what you wanted. He didn't even care that it was sized right.

And then to announce the price and scold you in front of friends for the ring flying off when he neglected to size it.... Kitty I think you're right and some real damage is done. I just can't figure out what he can possibly be thinking.

And, you are right - it is not a common practice for a 37 year old successful person to upgrade the engagement ring later.

If you hadn't said that the proposal was fantastic I would be more skeptical.

I think you two need to have a serious talk. He's saying something with this wrong-sized not-you inexpensive ring. He's also practically screaming out "Something here is very wrong!" by announcing the price and scolding you in front of others. I just don't know what.


Kitty 6 years ago

Veronica -

Here's an update to what transpired over the last 4 days...

First of all, I would like to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. Your advice helped me center myself and gave me courage to have an adult conversation with my fiance that obviously needed to happen.

It was really touch and go Sunday and things were really looking dreadful I must admit! I just couldn't start my marriage off on that foot, pretending to love a ring when I had some seriously hard feelings and disappointment after the ring launch incident. So...we cleared the air. I think I finally got through to him when I said "Babe, I said yes to YOU not the ring." I believe he tried his best yet it's ironic that he took it so personally that I didn't LOVE the safe choice he picked which couldn't have been less my style! Anyway...Living and learning is the fun part.

We went Monday and traded the ring for one I can't stop staring at! Once all said and done, the price was actually comparable...it was never really about that. He loves this ring too and is pleased I have what I want.

The moral of my story is I am SOO glad I risked being honest. Talk about a R I S K ! ! ! Well, it all worked out in the end and we're stronger for it!

Kitty


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Kitty,

Thanks for coming back and letting us know what happened!

I'm so glad to hear my advice helped you center. That's awesome. And the feel of the comment from you is so up and positive - good for you!

I know it wasn't about the money, and I still don't think it was about the ring. I'm just glad you two talked, got through the hard part and communicated honestly. Great line - I said yes to you, no the ring. Talk about perspective!

Best to you,

Veronica


John 6 years ago

Veronica,

I could really use your advice. My fiancée and I have been dating for a little over four years. About 2 months ago I proposed to her, she accepted, cried and was seemingly very happy... NOW HERE'S THE KICKER!!! She's a very special, kind-hearted girl and there were some circumstances surrounding the proposal weeks prior that leave a sour taste in her mouth (I kinda spoiled the surprise). Also, there was a ring that she'd initially picked and liked... some time later we saw a second ring that she FELL IN LOVE WITH, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTED! I got her the first ring... now she lets me know that she really had her heart set on the 2nd one... and that she's not at all happy with the 1st one... and she'd tried to tell me before, but I can be quite difficult at times. ALSO, she would like to be SURPRISED, so she wants me to propose again (just for the 2 of us) some time down the line... which I'm all for, and I think is a cool idea... I'm just not sure about this ring situation. It's about $2,000 more... I'm not sure how I feel or what I should do! She's not a gold digger ABSOLUTELY NOT! We both make very good money, and she could buy the ring herself if she wanted to... I'm just know sure what to do?!?!?! Please help!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

John,

The two main concerns here you've already explained away. She's not a gold digger, and you guys can afford these rings.

Therefore, without hesitation, I say get the other ring.

This is such a small thing, and it has an easy fix. Believe me, for the rest of your life, you will wish the big problems life throws at you will be this easy to repair. It's just not something you need to worry about; the ring itself isn't the issue, the issues are all the other things - do you know she's marrying you for you, do you know she's not a gold digger, can you two afford the ring she loves.... these are the important issues. And you won! Those issues are all good! You've already won, my friend. So just buy the other ring and let her be happy.

Since there's some circumstance, and she's been honest and direct with you about wanting a special surprise proposal, just go ahead and do it. It will be fun. Go buy the second ring, the one she really wants. And propose again. Surprise her. Just do it fast. After she has the second ring, you can both decide together what you want to do with the first. Returning it is a fine idea, however it may actually have a sentiment attached to it now. There's lots of options - taking the diamond(s) out of it and making a gift for both your mothers, putting it away for your future daughter, not deciding this now but instead just putting it in the safety deposit box for safe keeping to talk and decide about later.

You said you don't know how you feel about the ring situation but you didn't elaborate. Unless there is something big here that you haven't shared with me, then really this is that simple. Years from now when she buys you a car for your birthday, but it's not the car you really really wanted, you can smile and say honey it's a quick fix, and recount this moment, of when you totally just listened to what she wanted and jumped through a couple hoops for her because it's a ring that goes on HER finger, and the whole thing is more important to her, so important in fact that she had to get up the nerve to be honest with you about it. It will come back to you years from now in the relationship - trust me on this. ;)


Franklin 6 years ago

Veronica,

Your page has been very helpful. My problem is my GF has mentioned in the past that she would like to have her grandmother's ring as an engagement ring. Her parents live in another country but after much work in secret I was able to obtain the ring, which my GF has previously said she loves. The ring is very simple though (simple gold band and a smallish diamond), and although she has said she loves it, I can't help but think it might look better if I were to fancy it up somehow (if that's even possible). I'm also afraid she may think I'm being cheap by only giving her the ring that was given to me and not spending any money on my own. I'd be happy to spend more money on the ring, but honestly the 2 of us are kind of short on cash as it is.

My question is should I should have it sized to fit her finger and propose with it adding that if she'd like I could add something else to it? Or should I just be proud of the ring she said she liked? Or, finally, should I go ahead and upgrade it on my own? Perhaps spend a little extra on the actual wedding band? I know the amount I spend shouldn't matter, but somehow I think it acually may.

Thanks!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Franklin,

Well done, Sir! Getting the family heirloom ring from her parents in secret, listening to her and to what she wants... superb all the way around. She's lucky to have you.

If I were you I would not tamper with the ring. Unlike other engagement rings, it doesn't actually belong to you, it belongs to her family. I would definitely advise you not to upgrade it. She may really love the idea that she'll be wearing it exactly as her grandmother did, with no change.

I think your idea of a very special wedding band is perfect.

If you do get the engagement ring sized first, speak to the jeweler about the special bands. Have him draw up a little sketch, or take some photos of some of the shop's prior work. Print that, and have that info from him, in a card for her.

Another thing you could do is buy and gift her a complimenting piece of jewelry. It could be something you create on your own. A wedding pendant, a heart shaped drop for a necklace, or how about diamond stud earrings crafted to match her grandmother's ring - you could absolutely give her something that shows you aren't cheap, without altering her grandmother's heirloom ring.

If you do think the amount your spending "may" matter, you can do something with a matching gift or an idea of what's to come in a card. Just let her know that you are good with spending the money you technically saved on the engagement ring, on the wedding bands, or on something else.

If she chooses to upgrade the engagement ring, get excited about that and do what she wants. But really, I would not just do that without her explicitly explaining that she wants to alter the ring she told you she loves, and that the family trusted you with.

You could even give her the complimenting diamond stud earrings first, and then while she's looking at them say, I had them made to match.... this, as you get down on one knee and present her with her grandmother's ring, and propose.

The two of you being short on cash does matter. Don't forget that. But if you can work out a gift, or a plan for a gift like the special bands, I think that would be a very lovely gesture.

Good luck to you, Franklin! I hope you'll keep us posted.


Veronica 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Just wanted to say that I read through alllllll of your comments and I think you provide some very good advice on this subject. Here's my problem, if you have a minute.

My boyfriend and I basically knew that we wanted to get married within a month of dating. I love that we can be ridiculously silly around each other and still be comfortable. He's kind to me , professes his love (verbally), and loves spending all of his time with me.

The first few months we actually discussed the ring and we came to an agreement of around two months of his salary after taxes and that we would pick it out together. It wasn't set in stone, but that's what we discussed. I told him it's very important to me and he knows that I love jewelry.

Throughout our dating we haven't been excessive with our spending. Cooking home, renting movies, and not spending a lot of money on gifts for each other. We've been saving our money to eventually buy a home and he's been saving for the last 10+ years.

Our last anneversary he didn't really do anything for it, and although it kind of bothered me, we were making arrangements to move-in the next weekend (things were kind of hectic).

We move in and I come to find out that his mom and he discussed using HER mothers engagement ring stone for my ring. He agreed to use it without discussing it with me which made me very angry. Since it's an older stone the chances of it being the cut I like (and have told him what I liked) is very slim, I like something more modern. He knows nothing about the stone and never saw it, except that it would be "free" to him.

He tried to play it off like it was something that he valued, giving me the heirloom, but I told him that wasn't what we discussed would happen. I think a lot of his consideration about this was because it wouldn't cost him any money.

To be honest, for his age, he's fairly well off and could spend 20k on a ring (in straight cash) if that's what I wanted (a LOT of savings). I think that's way too much though.

After much fighting, we came to an agreement that we would look together and not consider his gmom's stone. Considering I've dropped hints as to what I like and it seems the original stone would be the complete opposite.

I just got upset because we don't really spend a lot of money on other extaravagant things. He knows how much an e-ring means to me and I figured that since we have been very very frugal with materialistic things that he would be planning on getting me something within his means that I would love.

In my family an e-ring is a big deal. My dad sold his motorcycle for my mom's ring and my uncle worked like three shifts a day for two months to get her the size stone she wanted. In my family its about effort and sacraficing for the one you love.

He barely would have to sacrafice anything except a temporary drop in his checking account.

Is this totally wrong thinking? Am I wrong to think he was being cheap and it's a reflection of how he will treat me later on?

Thanks for your help.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Dear Veronica,

What a pretty name you have.

There are several different things going on with him, that I think you're putting all into the one bowl of "money."

Guys are completely different than women are regarding the engagement ring, and regarding lots of things for that matter. What they think is important and meaningful isn't always what we think. I remember one time my husband bought me a scarf, made of linen, after I had made several speeches about how I don't like linen because it wrinkles. He was so proud of it and gave it to me and said, "Look! Little turtles on it! You love little turtles!" And, he's right, I do. I may not have picked that for myself because of the linen, but I was so in love with how he remembered I love turtles and how happy he was to find me something he thought I'd like, that I LOVED the scarf and wore it all the time, even though I had to iron it every time.

I don't think it's all about money for him. I actually do think there may have been some heirloom sentimentality there, maybe not for his G-Ma, but for the conversations with his mother. Be very very careful, my dear, of trampling on anything his mother is saying or doing.

I think your situation is different than the ones above: I think he's listening to you, I just think he's not getting it.

The metaphor that works on guys, is sports. If I were you, I'd have the conversation one more time. And no more "hinting." Take a photo at a jewelers of exactly what you want, and give it to him. Then explain it through his team metaphor. Whatever his team is, say this ring is your "Yankees" or "Celtics" or whatever. Explain, if you were to buy him something he had to wear on his body every day for the world to see for the rest of his life, that reflects his support of The Islanders, how would he feel if you picked out a Rangers thing and said, "Well this was free it was in my family," Or, "Well the Rangers are close to the Islanders, they're in the same state. This is close enough." Or, "It's all hockey, what's the difference? You should like whatever I pick out." Tell him, this is your Rangers. You feel about the ring you want like he feels about this team. (If he doesn't have a team, maybe a racing guy or a band, or something. And if not, he at least knows specific team sports fan, and will get this.) Tell him the ring to you is the same as a certain team. It's specific, and personal, and there can be no substitute.

The other things you were saying can be added at this point, as they may be heard differently. You don't mind not getting other luxurious items, you don't take his hard work and income for granted, you don't take all his efforts to provide for you lightly at all. You love and appreciate him, and you are willing to make sacrifices. This is the one thing you'd prefer not to sacrifice on, as you will be wearing it on your hand for the world to see every single day for the rest of your entire life.

Then, stop with the hints. Stop. Just drop it.

One more thing I just want to throw out there - is there any chance he doesn't have the funds you're thinking he does? Even if he does make the income you're thinking, does he have more debt and bills than you know of? Is he helping out a family member financially? Or is he saving harder than you're thinking for that house? Is he afraid of losing his job in this economy and wants to be further ahead than he is, especially since he's committing to you?

If there is a possibility of that, then you can't hold him to those early discussions of 2 months salary. You just can't. You have to find a compromise - you pay for half, have the ring made with a CZ, to be replaced with a diamond in the next couple of years, accept the family ring as a "place holder," or go shopping together and pick something together that's smaller and less expensive than you were thinking before.


Veronica 6 years ago

Hey Veronica,

Very good points. I am going to try to relate all of this to sports and see where that gets me.

Thanks for the advice regarding his mother. It just more bothered me that he had no idea what he was agreeing to give me for something so important. His mom said she had a stone and he just agreed that it would work. I tried to be open to the idea, at first, but I found out that the stone wasn't certified (something him and I discussed to be important about the ring) and she had no idea what the cut, color, clarity, ct. weight or anything. I just decided that we shouldn't involve his mother and just look on our own. If we physically went and got the ring from her house, had it appraised, and decided it was something we didn't want to use...that would be a lot worse I think. I thought it would be a better idea if she wanted to include the stone as a wedding gift to us or something to that effect. Win-win right? eek!

We have gone through our finances and I have seen what's in his accounts before. He has no car (we live in a metropolitan city in the US), no school loans, and pretty much just has to support himself and somethings we need in our new place. My parents donated a lot of really nice furniture to us so we didn't have to go out and buy everything for our new place (which AGAIN saved us a good amount of money). This is after he puts a CONSIDERABLE amount of his paycheck into his 401k. He's established in his career (he's 31) and very much wants to marry me. Well I think he should prove it.

We decided after our last fight about all of this that we would ultimately go look without a set budget. I don't know if that's a good or bad idea. We are going shopping this weekend I think, any ideas to help me through the process? I am worried that it might turn into a huge fight again.

Thanks again.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Veronica,

Again, I'm just not getting any kind of "bad" or "odd" feeling about your guy. I am more reminded of my turtle scarf (which I love love love.)

You know from reading this article that I totally get it - you want to be heard, you want to wear something on your hand forever that you actually like, you want to be part of a decision process with him, you want him to keep to agreements, you want this one thing and you deserve it. I totally get all of that.

But, I don't think he's that guy that this article was about. And I don't think you should push any more. I'm sure there is something else going on - like a money concern, a familia connection, or The Turtle Scarf of not getting it (but getting the big picture.) If there was anything wrong your tells would give it away. And there just aren't any.

OK, you're doing the shopping thing together this weekend. And you'll take my advice on that one last run at explaining it. The sports team metaphor usually works. Your mood is very important, especially since you've said you've fought over this. Honey, no more fighting. That has to stop. You have to take control and fix that now. When you talk about the sports teams and explain the ring, you need to say it happily, and with a smile. You need to hold his hand and be romantic and affectionate. You need to be positive. And you need to keep acknowledging him: the time he put into this, the hard work he's done in his career, how wonderful he is to be doing this as a couple, and what a magnificent partner for life he really is.

And you need to make whatever happens this weekend work. Do not let another fight ensue. This isn't worth it. Even if you wind up settling on a ring you don't love you need to be positive and grateful and loving. I hope you trust me on this. I don't like the feeling of the fighting over this, especially when he's not doing anything "wrong," he's just not totally "getting it."

Listen, if you do wind up with a ring you don't love, don't show it. Keep looking ahead. Focus on the wedding. And the reception. And the moving and the new place or redecorating it with all that donated furniture and setting up your lives together.

Then after a little time, like for your first wedding anniversary, if you haven't fallen in love with the ring, tell him you're replacing it. Do not say, "I've not liked it this whole time." Say something practical like that it catches, it's uncomfortable, it doesn't fit right with the wedding band... and deal with it then.

Veronica, do not do not DO NOT let this weekend turn into a huge fight. Be positive, be happy, be grateful, be accepting. Reinforce this weekend exactly why he is marrying you and how wonderful his life is going to be with you. Do not implant in his head now how difficult being with you might be.

Whatever is picked, make it work, and act like you love it. Please stop back and let us know what happens.


steevo_ 6 years ago

Hi veronica,

I've read your column with interest and think you give out some very level headed advice. Hopefully you can help with my situation as well.

I've been going out with my gf for about 2 years now. At the moment, she is working abroad half way across the world and will be doing so for at least the next 18 months. I am going to visit her in a couple of months and would like to propose during that visit.

I would really like to make the proposal a surprise, as I know she would love us to get married but is not really expecting me to do anything about it this year.

I have a reasonable idea of the sort of style she would like based on what she tends to wear and what she says she likes, but am also concerned what I believe she likes might not actually be the best choice. Also I obviously want to get the size right but I can't really find that out without asking her and then spoiling the surprise.

I do have my Grandmothers engagement ring, which although carries sentimental value, is not the ring I would want to give my gf to wear for the rest of her life - it is nice but not quite my gf's style. I thought, maybe I should propose with that ring, and then buy her actual engagement ring once I have got her proper size and also let her have some input into what style she definitely would like.

Does that sound like a reasonable solution? Or am I committing some sort of grave error without realising it? Any advice on this would be much appreciated.

Many thanks

Steve


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Steevo,

I think your idea is thoughtful and romantic. Your family heirloom ring is very special and symbolic of your commitment and of how much she means to you. Letting it represent your engagement is wonderful, and telling her you expect to replace it with a ring that she chooses that you can pick out together and size correctly and everything, is beyond respectful and considerate. Then after the new ring is chosen she can wear your grandmother's ring in another way, or put it away in anticipation of a handing it down to your children.

The big thing with this hub is the thought and consideration. Clearly you are thoughtful and considerate.

Best to you.


Franklin 6 years ago

Hi Veronica!

Just wanted to thank you again for your advice. I popped the question a little while ago with her grandmother's ring in its original state and she couldn't have been happier! We've discussed doing something more extravagant together with the wedding band but leaving the engagement ring alone was definitely the right decision.

Thanks again!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Franklin,

Congratulations to you and your wife to be! I'm so glad everything worked out well for you. Thanks so much for getting back to us here to let us know!

A long, healthy happy lifetime in wedded bliss to you both,

xo

V


Suzie 6 years ago

Hi Victoria! I have a question for you...So I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years. We've decided it's time for that next step! We're both in our last year of our doctoral programs and we'll be collectively about $300k in debt by the end, and we'll make $160k/yr collectively soon after getting out of school. My boyfriend would give me a sterling silver band if I was happy with it. He thinks it's silly to spend lots of $$ on a ring, but the most important thing to him is that I'm happy so he's put the ring decision totally in my hands (which I love). I'm not a flashy girl, I grew up poor, and I have this complex about wanting a gorgeous ring to show to others and myself that the tables have finally turned. But this is SO silly, and I hate that I want something around 6K when otherwise I'd be personally want something more like 1K. I do and don't want to spend the $6K for something that would WOW me. Any thoughts?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Suzie,

Congratulations on you and your boyfriend's mutual decision to get engaged! That's wonderful.

In today's economy I wouldn't be too sure about what your salaries will be just yet. Anything can happen, so just be careful. Having that much debt before you even buy a house I would worry if I were you about spending lavishly on the ring. Keep in mind that there is no reason at all why you can't get a nice $1000 ring like you were saying right now, and then the $6000 ring of your dreams for your 1st or 5th wedding anniversary if finances work out the way you hope they will. There is no reason you have to buy the expensive ring right now.

Your bf rocks that he's leaving this in your hands. You could show him you rock right back by being a partner, and a smart one, regarding this choice.


Suzie 6 years ago

Veronica,

You are completely right. There's no need for instant gratification on a dream ring, especially when we've got the extraordinary amount of debt under us and only the promise of statistical average entering salaries for our respective careers...Life doesn't always work out the way you expect, and I really should be the smart, modest girl he fell in love with anyway ;) Thanks so much for your perspective!

P.S. Whops on calling you Vitcoria earlier... I have a good friend with that name and it just came out!


MrAungst profile image

MrAungst 6 years ago from Penna

just stumbled across this post. I'm in a very committed relationship now, so this may be the next step for me. Very helpful!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks for stopping by MrAungst! Best of luck to you.


Maryanne 6 years ago

I've been dating and living with my guy for four and a half years. We're GREAT together and I have no doubts that he's The One, and I basically already feel married to him- except that we're not! After about three years of a wonderful relationship and no marriage talk, I finally brought it up about a year ago. He said that he can't 'deal' with getting married while he's still in grad school, but that after he graduates, he'll be ready. He's the type who needs all his ducks in a row, and I've been patient and understanding about this... but now it's wearing thin. I reminded him that it takes about a year to plan a wedding, and now here we are, about a year away from his graduation. Though he's said he wants to marry me many times, he WILL NOT discuss the actual idea of proposing, a wedding, or a ring, and even gets angry when I bring it up sometimes. Even though there's a little voice inside my head telling me to stop harping on about it and that I sound terribly materialistic in bringing it up, the more he refuses to talk about the ring, the more frustrated and nagging I become. I love him indescribably, and I know he loves me... It's just that he's not really a gift-giver, and in our four and half years, he has bought me exactly three pieces of jewelry. Two of those pieces are pretty horrendous, and the other I picked out myself, and he bought it for me very unenthusiastically. Summed up, I am the world's pickiest right-brained romantic with a nauseatingly neurotic eye for detail and artistically rich craftsmanship, and I am dating the cheapest, most aesthetically un-savvy, left-brained guy in the universe. The thing is, I know it's not the ring that matters. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want an engagement ring- I don't even need a real diamond (and I've told him I'm perfectly happy with a fake), I just want something beautiful, that shows he knows and understands my style to a T. Ideally, I want him to surprise me with a proposal, and then we go ring shopping together once he lays out a budget to work within. He's shot down this idea, saying it's 'not romantic' to propose without a ring. I've tried telling him it's infinitely less romantic if he surprises me with a dud of a ring (though worded a bit more sensitively). What is WRONG with me? How do I tell him I have VERY picky ring tastes without sounding like a deranged and materialistic girlfriend? If I never brought it up, and it were up to him, we'd NEVER talk about it, so I'm forced to take hold of the situation, as little as I want to. But even since day one, he acts like I'm a some horrid nag, which I'm not. How do I deal with this?

MAN, many thanks for reading this rambling stream of thought. I don't blame you if you just ignore this and move on! Anyway, cheers and thanks for this great web page of advice.


Maryanne 6 years ago

Dear Veronica,

I meant to say 'Dear Veronica,' in the beginning of the last post! I'm sorry- this whole thing works me up and I become scatterbrained. I feel like some flighty, annoying Meg Ryan romantic-comedy character, and I've realized I'm over-thinking everything.

After re-reading my post, perhaps I'll just chill out.

It's just romantic that he has an idea of romance in the first place. In the end, I already know for a fact he loves me. How is it that I can forget something so important? A ring is a beautiful sign of commitment- but you know what? I have the perfect guy. And neither of us is going anywhere soon.

Sorry to take up space on your page, Veronica. I think I may have solved this one for myself.

Thank you again for giving everyone so much great advice.

-M


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Maryanne,

You're cute. I was writing you your own hub, but it sounds like you don't need it now. I still may refer to your comments in another hub though.

You're welcome here any time. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

xoxo


Maryanne 6 years ago

Thanks Veronica! I'll continue reading your hub, and I will definitely keep you posted.


confused 6 years ago

I recently got engaged to a man I absolutely love. Although we had been looking at rings together, I had no idea he was going to POP the question so soon but when he did I was thrilled! he already knew the style of ring I like because we looked together a few times and I mean I made it completely clear!

The only problem is the ring is nothing at all like my style. It has nothing to do with the band color or carat size...its the way the diamonds are arranged. It looks like a flower and that's just not me. I just wanted a simple single diamond ring. I am not a complainer at all but this is something I wear every day and it reminds me almost of a child. I don't want to say anything because I don't want to hurt his feelings. The ring I want is only 100 more. And it wouldn't matter so much if it was just another piece of jewelry but its something ill wear for the rest of my life. I want to tell him how I feel but then I'm scared he will get offended because its all about the ring...but honestly that's not the case, id still marry him even if I didn't have a ring. I even showed him a picture of the ring I like today just saying " remember this ring" and his reply was " I should've gotten you that ring...why are you looking at rings anyways do you not like yours" then I quickly changed subjects..I just am really confused because I don't want to hurt him. Please help


Hazeysam 6 years ago

Hi veronica,

my bf proposed to me after we had a baby and now we are getting married, first the engagement ring he gave me doesn't fit me at all he said we will resize but almost 6 mos and we haven't. Then he told me just use that ring for our wedding and i ask him how about his ring and he said he dont know. Im so frustrated, he doesn't seem to care at all. We are just having a civil wed but i am hoping to be treated atleast special. He is very cheap guy but am i wrong for asking just a little bit special treatment? What should i do? He is a type of guy who has a personality of just whatever comes.. Does not plan at all and wouldn't care of what other people say. He doesn't want to be around other people just want to watch tv all the time. Please advise. Thanks


Babs 6 years ago

Dear Veronica, Since everyone around us are getting engaged, my boyfriend has recently started discussing with me more about marriage, weddings, and engagement rings. We are in our later twenties and he knows that I wanted to be married a couple years ago but his life plan puts his ideal wedding at a few years from now. I feel I have already sacrificed with the waiting.. I am trying to figure out what is fair for us and how I can be happy. He is well off financially and says his budget is under 4k for a ring. After research I figure I can get exactly what I want in his budget. I want a 1 carat solitaire. He keeps saying that is too big! I'm worried that like most things in out relationship he will go with what he wants instead of what I want.. He claims I am worrying about what others think of the ring and of him and that the ring is something the man picks out from his heart and it doesn't matter if it's not exactly what I want. Ok I agree with him, I should be happy with whatever but I still don't see the reason he won't get the diamond size I want instead of something smaller. Aren't gifts supposed to be for the receiver to love and not the giver's personal preference? The way I see it, he wants to win and doesn't want me to "win". I told him it's not about the money or being vain or what others think. Though I am afraid everyone will think he cheaped out if he got something small since he is well off. What does that say about his love for me? Took forever for him to marry me and gave unimpressive ring?It's just my personal style preference even if I ignore what others will think. It frustrates me that he won't agree! He says it is offensive that I would want something other than what my man picks. He doesn't seem to understand, my reasonable thoughts on this is not reasonable to him because it came from my brain.. What to do? Any suggestions? Do I always have to sit and smile and endure all decisions being made by himself only? I want to be a good partner and am fine with some give and take and I know how to compromise, how can I teach him the same?


M.C.A 6 years ago

Good Afternoon Veronica,

Hope you are well, and thank you for all the great advice you've given to all the people with issues surrounding their rings (like myself).

My story is I have known me fiancee for 10 months, and knew after the first month or two that we wanted to get married. Since we had not known each other for a pro-longed period of time, and we are 7+ years difference in age (I'm a 31 y.o. male, she's a 23 year old female), I was at odds on whether to go forward with this engagement, and if I did, what kind of ring to get/how much to spend etc. We had loosely shopped around, and had gotten ideas on what we would like in a ring. Being the brand name person I am, we wanted Hearts on Fire brand diamonds (very top shelf). She looked online at different settings, and gave me a list of several that she liked. So after some time of not mentioning it (and really seeing how the relationship progressed), I wanted to get a ring and propose on a romantic weekend in New York. I called her parents (whom I had only met once on a week's vacation) and asked for their daughters hand in marriage. This alone was an issue in my head, wondering what they would say with her age, and length of time knowing me, but none the less everything came off great with them. I eventually got a .6 center stone, G color, SI1 Hearts on Fire center stone for $5,000, and the setting cost 1200 with side cluster diamonds, for a total of $6200. Perfect wkend in NY, proposed, and she said yes !! In the aftermath of it all now though (been engaged for almost 3 months), some issues have come up regarding the size and style of the ring. My view is that it is a setting she had picked (even though it looked different in real life as oppose to online, I'll admit that), and that she wanted the quality of Hearts on Fire (HOF), and would have to fore-go a 1 carat rock for something of more quality if she wanted HOF. Although she has not specifically said it maybe wasn't what she had expected, it has caused a few fights between us without actually being the reason we fight, if you get my meaning. Most of my/her engaged friends have 1 carat diamonds, but I re-iterate that hers is of way more quality than theirs, even though it's smaller. I feel disappointed that I tried to get the setting we had liked, the brand we had liked, and now it seems it is not good enough. I think I spent more than a resonable amount, all things considered (time we knew each other, amount to just spend, and that I somewhat 'followed instructions'). I feel that she could have liked it for what it symbolizes etc., but also feel she may be a bit wary of showing it off as it doesn't look like a corker of a ring, even though it packs quite a punch for it's size. I know this girl is not materialistic, and she has soooooo many great qualities, but this still bothers me. I even somewhat considered maybe getting it re-set, as I too agree that it is not what we had expected, but this will prob cost another 1500 at least for the setting we want. Another thing that contributed to this is she is just out of university, and although she is really smart and going places in life, she is still fresh out of university (financially), meaning I have been carrying the financial weight of the relationship. She contributes when she can for sure, but I am still providing the Lion's share. Even though the ring was 6200, I don't even know what I've dropped on her in total anyway. She always brags to her friends how kind, considerate, generous, and loving I am, and has never met anyone like me, but then to react like this to the ring, when I feel perfectly justified with the choice, does give me reason to think. Unfortunately, she may not be coming off sounding great here, but this is how I feel. We have spoken about it, and she states she likes the center stone, but maybe have it re-set. This is just gonna be more money, when I feel I have done what I am comfortable with. I think now maybe she regrets having gone with HOF diamonds, as only we know the true value of it, and would have preferred something less quality and more sizable, so maybe she's a bit mad at herself. I have considered asking her to get it re-set with her $ if she she wants, but also feel that this is the engagement ring I bought her, and I should take care of it. Very conflicted on how to feel. Maybe I already know what you are going to say, but I thought I'd post anyway for advice. Thanks....a somewhat disappointed fiancé :s


Jason A 5 years ago

Dear Veronica,

A couple of weeks ago I finally proposed to my girlfriend of two years. We had been discussing marriage for over a year and she would always point out rings that she liked. When she finally found one that I felt like I could afford I jumped at the chance at bought it two days later. She was blown away when I popped the question and seemed to love the ring.

The day after I proposed she started acting weird and saying that she was concerned about the quality and trade-in value but I didn't really believe those concerns. I was really hurt by that and started to dig a little deeper and find out what was really wrong. She eventually told me that she just didn't like the setting and it bothered her a lot. She saw that I wasn't taking things told well and told me that it was fine and she would grow to like it.

Since then she keeps throwing out other reasons that we should return it. It makes me feel really bad especially since she was OK'd it to begin with. I'm hesitant to take it back because of our circumstances. She wants to be married very soon and I don't know if I will be able to afford $5000 again once we pay for a wedding and start married life.

I think she would be happy if we had the setting changed but the return policy on the ring is voided if any alterations are made to it. We're talking over options but I still feel a bit upset by the situation.

It looks like our options are to keep the ring as is, replace the setting and void the return policy, or take it back and hope for the best in the future.

Thanks for the great column and I appreciate any advice you could give me.


JessinOZ 5 years ago

What awesome advice in this article.

My boyfriend proposed last week and I said yes. It was a complete surprise, to be honest. Now we live together and had agreed we wanted to spend our lives together we had not discussed marriage before. And we are simply not the type of couple who go browsing for rings. Now had I known he was going to propose I would have pushed us to go ring shopping so he would truly know what I like.

He worked really hard to get advice from the ladies he works with (who have only met me once and are NOTHING like me) and from one friend of mine.

I'll admit I am extremely particular. I was married quite young and am divorced. He knows I designed my prior engagement ring painstakingly and that while I still own it, I want to get rid of it and not have it in our marital home. I know he looked at the ring and saw the size stone I used before and the band and all the stylings.

I offered to let him use my old ring to 'upgrade' the diamond so we can not waste money on a ring when our future (house, future kids, etc) is so much more important to me.

In the end he took some awful advice from my friends and got me a diamond he could afford (not using my diamond so this one cost him a lot of money but is MUCH smaller than my old stone). Now that is fine. I understand pride.

But he also got me a freakishly boring band. He ignored the fact that I wear really big rings that are a bit crazy and fun.

He was so focused on the surprise that he never let me have a voice in my ring. Given how particular I am I just feel so disconnected from the ring. Like it doesn't represent 'us' at all, let alone me. We are quirky people and even more quirky as a couple.

The ring doesn't fit and due to bloating I woke up today with a bright purple finger and for awhile it looked like I'd need to have it cut off. THis led to a discussion where he told me I could choose a new band. He told me that was totally fine for me to choose a new one.

But when I got home tonight and he asked about what I would design I can tell he is really hurt to hear I would design something so different than what he chose.

I want to love the ring. I love him so much. I love US so much. I want to marry him. I have no idea what to do. I can tell he is hurt and now I feel like a horrible person.

I feel like I am in a lose lose situation and all because of stupid notions planted in his head by society of romance and surprise when if he'd applied the same team work we apply to everything else we wouldn't be here. I have no idea how to turn this around. :(


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

JessinOz,

I agree completely about how unworkable the surprise thing is with a proposal in today's world. I wrote a hub about it:

http://hubpages.com/relationships/The-Surprise-Mar...

You're right. It's teamwork at this point, it's "us" not a game of surprise. I have heard from so many very disappointed people in broken relationships due to the guy standing firm on antiquated surprise games instead of on acting like a partner.

But the deeds are done, and you're in it. So, let's go forward from here. I do have some advice for you. The most important thing is, you keep saying you love him. And it shows in many of your tells.

The first thing you need to do is to forgive yourself. You sound a little upset with yourself regarding your feelings and needs. I really don't want you thinking you're a "horrible person" like you said. You're not. You're completely justified in all your reactions and emotions

The second thing you need to do, is let this go.

Deep breath. The thing is, all the efforts he put in were good. Asking for advice, wanting to buy you something he could afford, but something that was from him, telling you that you can switch the band... wow, he really did try. Granted he got it wrong, but that's ok. The effort is beautiful, and it isn't reflective of a guy that just doesn't care about your feelings. You have a guy that loves and cares about you, and you are someone that really loves and cares about your guy. That is by the far the most important thing.

I'd offer completely different advice if I thought otherwise about either you. Yours is really a good solid start that got off on weaker footing, that's all. Fix the footing, and go forward. It's worth it. 25 years from now, when you are still happily married to this man, you'll be glad you got past this.

As for how to get past this, I have 2 solid ideas for you.

The first one is the wedding bands. Flip a switch and tell him how much you love love love the perfectly simple stunning engagement ring he picked out, and that it's sparked your imagination to design wedding bands. You have to make sure he feels your excitement, and acceptance of the ring. He's already guarded, and concerned, albeit trying to let go of the pride in this. Cater to that, and make sure he knows you would not trade his ring for the world. This is so very important. Mind it in the wording. As you sketch and show creations of a very ornate wedding band, point out how it grows from the solid simple ring. How the foundation of the wedding set is so classic and lovely because of his choice, his opinion, his decisions. Really celebrate that. And then design the wedding band that would make you incredibly happy.

It doesn't matter if the engagement ring actually fits in with it or not. If you tell him it does, and you show that it does with enthusiasm and love, then he will believe it. Design a his and hers wedding band set, his obviously being simpler and masculine, yours being the great big crazy ornate thing you want.

The second idea I have for you is for AFTER you are married and comfortable. This second idea is, to put a timeline on your feelings. It's one thing to not be thrilled with the look of your ring when your'e thinking "Omg I have to wear this for the rest of my entire life." And it's something else to say, "Ok for only 1 or 2 short years I will wear this ring. And then for the next 50 wonderful years I will wear a different one."

Once you're married you can start not wearing the engagement ring if you choose to. You can wear just that big personalized wedding band you designed that I suggested, or wear whatever wedding band it is you have. In a year the odds are he won't actually notice too much if you aren't wearing the engagement ring, as long as you wear the band. If he does ask, you can always make up a very thoughtful excuse: the diamond is a little lose you have to take it to be tightened. Somehow it pinches when you are cleaning, and you take it off unless you're going out formal. You had a dream that you lost the diamond and it scared you because it's so precious to you, so you put it in the jewelry box for safety for a bit. You got it caught on your skirt hem and need to have the prong adjusted....

And then, up the road a little bit, you can get another ring. So very many ways to work that in. In 2 years you may be so comfortable with each other that you can just honestly say, "I just feel like as much as I love the first ring, I'd like a new one for a different look." Or you could say you want a new one because you want to put this first one away as a gift for your daughter because the sentiment of it is so special. It could be your request for a 3 or 5 or 10 year anniversary gift. You could be clear that you'd like to design it, and incorporate his diamond, or not. The point is, set your mind on the idea that your time with this ring you're not thrilled with is very finite. You really will have the rest of your life to wear exactly the ring you want. It's just for a short amount of time right now that you will wear the ring that he wants. And that's fair.

You have so much to control right now. Wedding plans, flowers, shoes, showers gowns bridesmaids honeymoons bands cakes living moving blah blah blah.... focus on those things. And give him this one thing. Don't fester, it's not worth it. Let this go for now, make him know you love HIS ring, and get everything you've ever wanted including rings, for the rest of your life.


JessinOZ 5 years ago

Thanks so much for your quick reply. Thanks for the kick THanks so much for your quick reply and the kick in the pants that I am not a horrible person. I really do feel horrible for not being 100% thrilled. I truly want to be as over the moon with the ring as I am with him.

I guess part of it is that I feel so little control about the ring is that I actually don't have so much to control right now. I don't have a wedding to plan. No venue, dress, bridesmaids or flowers. My fiancé wants to elope and in reality I am ok with this. I was married before quite young and he loathes being the center of attention. So to make him happy and comfortable I've agreed to elope just the two of us alone in Vanuatu. Then we will have a massive party at a house we're going to rent by the beach. It will be gorgeous, but he is SUPER into the planning. And I absolutely LOVE that we are planning this party entirely together, please don't misunderstand. I love how excited he is to marry me. I cannot wait to marry this man...

I just wish he had let me design this ring with him as much as we are doing everything else together.

it is hard to give him this one thing when I already feel like I am compromising so much to ensure he is happy and secure. I am trying to let it go, but finding I'm starting to resent the ring because its such a disappointment that is stealing the glow from a really happy time.

I know I am irrational... but I don't even like to look at it. And I'm embarrassed when other people see it simply because it is so incredibly not me. Like if I'm giving up a wedding for him, why can't I fix my ring? Sigh... I guess that is unfair of me. In reality I really am fine with eloping. I just want to fix the stupid ring and do SOMETHING entirely my way.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Ah. You're "giving up" a wedding for him, in your words.

You have more issues than the ring. The ring is just going to be the focal point and catalyst for all the other you keep talking yourself into.

You need to talk to him about the real issues, and not blame the "stupid ring" which at this point sounds unfairly mean. He doesn't deserve to have his feelings hurt over something he tried to do correctly. And you definitely have more on your mind about what you're "giving up." Good luck.


girlwithapearl 5 years ago

Will someone please tell me where it is written in stone that the guy chooses the ring and the woman accepts this tradition? Same with rings passed down from future in-laws whether they be alive or deceased. This is just so wrong on so many levels. I would not wear a ring, or anything else for that matter, that I did not participate in choosing. The ring bequeathed from his mother could be graciously accepted as an eternity ring, or kept in a safe place and passed on to any female children born. I would not expect my husband to wear my dead fathers ring.Women are often made to feel guilty with the "disease to please" so ingrained in our patriarchal culture, as if we have to accept these traditions because someone else is paying for it.How difficult is it to go to a shop together and point to a ring within your budgets, point to a ring and say " I want that one" :-)


JessinOZ 5 years ago

Veronica, you are right. I was unfairly mean and I do apologize to him for that. When I wrote that it was very late at night here and we'd just got home from a party with our friends (his friends from childhood), many of whom gave me (not us) an earful about the choice to elope. And about how I need to 'talk him round.' And then getting an earful about how I need to convince him to have a bachelor party (which I will not do. He doesn't want one and I don't see why that is a problem) Not the best party for me. I got home feeling pretty frustrated and dejected.

But you are right, it not about a literal object. The issue is about having a voice and control. I only mentioned the 'giving up' a wedding as a reply to your advice to celebrate all the areas where I have control, and to let him enjoy the one area he controls. My point wasn't that I am doing something I don't want to do but simply that we are untraditional in I don't have all these areas to control, leaving him with one. We have a few things we are controlling together, and yet he gets to keep the one area and control it entirely and I don't get a say. This is a challenge for me simply because the one area he is controlling entirely is the one area I have passionate opinions.

But you are right in that the issue is about more than the ring. Will give some thought and see how it goes.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful advice.

Girlwithapearl, I agree entirely. Surely when women got the right to vote, hold office, go into space we also got the right to choose our rings! :)


Layla G. 5 years ago

Hi Veronica, I love all the sound advice you're giving here and am in hopes you can give some to me. I recently, by complete accident, discovered that my boyfriend, who I love and want to marry, bought what I think might be an engagement ring (one of his friends slipped when we were talking about other mutual friends picking out rings). I'd normally be excited about discovering such news but my boyfriend has never really consulted me on what I like in regards to style, etc. I don't wear a lot of jewelry but I do want the one ring I will wear for always to be something I like and feel suits my taste and personality. The very few 'discussions' we've had were in regards to stone shape...he mentioned how much he loves square and I really don't care for square/rectangle stones because they don't look good on my short fingers and I just don't gravitate towards them the way I do rounder shapes. When I mentioned this he said that he *really* likes squares and ended the discussion, as if to hint to me that I was someday getting what he liked. The only other mention of ring design was in the color of a stone. I'm not sure if this was meant as a talk to determine the center stone or an accent of some kind. I don't really like colored stones because I have this thing where I'd want to match my clothes to the ring (silly, I know I know but it's true). Months later he mentioned that he was 'designing' my ring. This notion horrified me because I'm insanely picky about any jewelry that I wear and I do not want to be surprised. Surprised by the proposal/date/place/time, yes...ring, no. From the little his friend let slip out I think the ring my boyfriend has chosen is not what I'd want to wear at all.

I am horrified at having him get down on one knee and presenting me with a ring that I don't like because my feelings show up on my face and I fear I won't be able to fake liking it. Moreso, it will hurt my feelings if it turns out to be exactly what I said I don't like. He is a person that wouldn't let me buy anything for him (iPod, stereo, shirt, TV, etc) because he has very specific tastes so I would feel that a double standard has taken place.

This is all speculation but I fear it's how it will go down and I don't want to be that girl who seems spoiled, ungrateful, thankless, etc. I know if I were to choose his wedding band without consulting him he'd freak out so I feel it's pretty unfair to not get the same respect. What do I do if it turns out I don't like it? Do I say something or do I just suck it up and wear it? From your other posts it seems you'd want me to wait a year or two after being married to bring it up or work the conversation another way. He is the type of person that will freak if I go on for 2 years with something I don't like but will also freak if I seem ungrateful. I don't really care for a wedding (elopement!)...I want to focus on the marriage, not on one day, so planning something won't take my mind off it. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Layla G,

Nope.

You're not understanding my past comments and posts. My advice when a good guy is truly listening to his lady and trying, and being a partner, and things just didn't work out with the ring, is to suck it up and just wait a little while, and get the ring you want so as not to hurt his feelings or blow the important moment.

But that is never my advice if the guy is not being a partner. His demonstrating that he knows what you want and doesn't care, is not the action of a good partner. It's a big fat red flag that this will be the tone of all the other decisions you'll be making together in your life as husband and wife. Especially if you know he'd freak if you made a major decision without his input, let alone got his input and told him you don't care what he wants.

You're right to want to focus on the marriage and not on one day or one event. But focusing on his ability to include you in major decisions, to listen, to be a partner, IS concentrating on the marriage. Think about it - what does this one event teach you about the marriage.

However, you don't have the ring yet. It's speculation, as you said. It could be that somehow in his head this is fun, to make you worry and sweat over this. Guys are so weird like that. He could see this as a game, and by fooling you into this stress and worry, he's winning it. I know, it makes no sense to me either, and I personally wouldn't be involved with someone who thinks like that. But, the bottom line is in the intention. If he does listen, and respects you as a partner, and gets (or makes a good effort to attempt to get) the right ring, despite whatever game he's playing right now with the comments about the ring he likes, then it's all well and good. I would say don't stress stuff that hasn't happened yet, but how can you. This is one of the biggest decisions of your life.

I *might* suggest to you instead, that you find someone as a go between. His friend that slipped up, or that friend's wife/gf might be a good start. Or his mom or sister? I don't know, but maybe you do. You don't have to tell them to say anything, you can just sort of hope that they will. Just tell them you want to speak to them in confidence and lay all this on them. Tell them, you think he's planning to propose, and he's telling you the ring he likes even though he's not the one wearing it. Tell them this has made you seriously reconsider the kind of partner someone can be, when they can't even listen to you about your opinion on something that will be on your hand for the rest of your life. Tell them that yeah, it is about the ring but it's also about what this decision represents. Tell them you two will have a gabillion serious decisions to make together as partners for the rest of your lives, from houses to money to jobs to kids. This ring is the first of many of those, and it will set the tone.


Layla G. 5 years ago

Thanks for the fast response! It definitely would send a red flag to me if he purposefully ignored my tastes in order to fulfill his own idea of what I should wear. It really is odd because we are good at making joint decisions for everything else. If I were closer to his mom (she lives pretty far away) I'd probably feel more comfortable mentioning it but it'd be too awkward. I'll send an update if/when anything happens. I feel bad for women who are presented with something they don't like...it's such a touchy subject and if it were anything else, like a sweater or sports jersey ;-) it'd be perfectly acceptable to say something. Ugh...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Ah... well see, there ya go. He's already shown you he's good at making joint decisions. That's good.

I hope this works out for you. Please keep us posted!


Guilty 5 years ago

Hi Veronica,

My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years proposed to me last weekend. He spent a lot of time shopping around, trying to get advice from my friends (who were unable to help unfortunately), and he even went out of town to a bigger store to find the ring. The way he proposed was amazing and obviously well thought-out too. Of course I said yes - we'd always known we'd get married eventually. Both of our families are thrilled.

So this all sounds great but the issue is that I really don't love the ring. I feel like a horrible person but to me it's sort of a symbol of how he didn't listen to me. I've always told him how important it is to me that we pick it together. He really likes surprises though, so as a compromise I suggested that at least I could tell him what I liked, or we could pick one together and then he could surprise by proposing at an unexpected time or something. We have looked at rings before in the past, and I've told him many times exactly what I like: a simple, thin band with no tiny diamonds and a round solitaire diamond. What he ended up getting is much more modern/trendy with wide criss-crossy bands, round big diamond, and lots of tiny side diamonds. It is gorgeous, but simply not me.

Amyways, the same night after we got engaged and had a big celebration dinner with both our families, he asked me my honest opinion about the ring. We've always told each other EVERYTHING and value honesty a lot, and I didn't think this would be any different. I told him how much I loved the effort that he put in, the way he proposed, etc., but that I wasn't sure if it was completely my style and could we maybe look at other styles. I told him very clearly that the important thing is that we're going to be together forever, and I said yes to HIM not the ring.

He ended up being really upset by this. The ring has a lot of sentimental value to him (he even said that any other ring would not really be an engagement ring because it wouldn't be the one he proposed with). I don't really understand this because I know that what I will always remember is how he proposed. We spent almost a week being completely indecisive about whether to exchange it or not. There were lots of tears. We even debated extracting the diamond from the ring and putting it in a different setting (turns out they couldn't do it).

We feel like we're sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I keep the original ring, it will be a constant reminder to me of how he didn't really take into account my opinion, and he can't un-learn the fact that I don't love it...If we get a different one, he has said that he will be sad for a while but will probably eventually get over it, and I will probably feel guilty for a very long time (I'm very prone to feelings of guilt). I think it was because he was hurt that he said a few things such as I should learn to love it because it's from him, and that I am stuck-up for not having an attachment to the ring he proposed with. I sort of feel like he's backed me into a corner by not letting me have any input on the ring and then not being very willing to give me other options.

I should also clarify - it's not at all that I want a bigger diamond or more expensive ring. I don't care about that at all; I just want something that I feel suits me.

I love him so much; I don't think the ring should be such a big deal! Am I in the wrong for the way I'm acting about this??

Any advice you could give me would be very much appreciated.


M.C.A.gain 5 years ago

Good Afternoon Veronica,

Hope you are well, and thank you for all the great advice you've given to all the people with issues surrounding their rings (like myself).

My story is I have known me fiancée for 10 months, and knew after the first month or two that we wanted to get married. Since we had not known each other for a pro-longed period of time, and we are 7+ years difference in age (I'm a 31 y.o. male, she's a 23 year old female), I was at odds on whether to go forward with this engagement, and if I did, what kind of ring to get/how much to spend etc. We had loosely shopped around, and had gotten ideas on what we would like in a ring. Being the brand name person I am, we wanted Hearts on Fire brand diamonds (very top shelf). She looked online at different settings, and gave me a list of several that she liked. So after some time of not mentioning it (and really seeing how the relationship progressed), I wanted to get a ring and propose on a romantic weekend in New York. I called her parents (whom I had only met once on a week's vacation) and asked for their daughters hand in marriage. This alone was an issue in my head, wondering what they would say with her age, and length of time knowing me, but none the less everything came off great with them. I eventually got a .6 center stone, G color, SI1 Hearts on Fire center stone for $5,000, and the setting cost 1200 with side cluster diamonds, for a total of $6200. Perfect wkend in NY, proposed, and she said yes !! In the aftermath of it all now though (been engaged for almost 3 months), some issues have come up regarding the size and style of the ring. My view is that it is a setting she had picked (even though it looked different in real life as oppose to online, I'll admit that), and that she wanted the quality of Hearts on Fire (HOF), and would have to fore-go a 1 carat rock for something of more quality if she wanted HOF. Although she has not specifically said it maybe wasn't what she had expected, it has caused a few fights between us without actually being the reason we fight, if you get my meaning. Most of my/her engaged friends have 1 carat diamonds, but I re-iterate that hers is of way more quality than theirs, even though it's smaller. I feel disappointed that I tried to get the setting we had liked, the brand we had liked, and now it seems it is not good enough. I think I spent more than a resonable amount, all things considered (time we knew each other, amount to just spend, and that I somewhat 'followed instructions'). I feel that she could have liked it for what it symbolizes etc., but also feel she may be a bit wary of showing it off as it doesn't look like a corker of a ring, even though it packs quite a punch for it's size. I know this girl is not materialistic, and she has soooooo many great qualities, but this still bothers me. I even somewhat considered maybe getting it re-set, as I too agree that it is not what we had expected, but this will prob cost another 1500 at least for the setting we want. Another thing that contributed to this is she is just out of university, and although she is really smart and going places in life, she is still fresh out of university (financially), meaning I have been carrying the financial weight of the relationship. She contributes when she can for sure, but I am still providing the Lion's share. Even though the ring was 6200, I don't even know what I've dropped on her in total anyway. She always brags to her friends how kind, considerate, generous, and loving I am, and has never met anyone like me, but then to react like this to the ring, when I feel perfectly justified with the choice, does give me reason to think. Unfortunately, she may not be coming off sounding great here, but this is how I feel. We have spoken about it, and she states she likes the center stone, but maybe have it re-set. This is just gonna be more money, when I feel I have done what I am comfortable with. I think now maybe she regrets having gone with HOF diamonds, as only we know the true value of it, and would have preferred something less quality and more sizable, so maybe she's a bit mad at herself. I have considered asking her to get it re-set with her $ if she she wants, but also feel that this is the engagement ring I bought her, and I should take care of it. Very conflicted on how to feel. Maybe I already know what you are going to say, but I thought I'd post anyway for advice. Thanks....a somewhat disappointed fiancé :s


carly 5 years ago

I agree with you, when me and my fiancé first talked about marriage we discussed what types of rings i like and we looked in catalogs so he would have some idea of what i liked when he decided to get one unfortunately he picked a ring that i didn't like and didn't listen to what i told him or showed him and its made me feel like he wasn't really bothered about what i thought seen as he had seen alot of what i liked and paid no attention


Michelle 5 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I have a little bit of a situation..

My partner and I have been together for nearly 5 years and we have recently just gone engagement ring shopping together. Before going, I found a bridal set that I really liked so we went to the shop to try it on, when I tried it I didn't really like it however it grew on me and we ended up putting it on order to be made. It now has $300 left to pay on it and it will be ready in about 2 weeks time. The engagement ring is 3 diamonds. 1 in the middle and 2 smaller ones on either side. The diamonds are not that big, and that doesn't bother me at all. I don't wear rings because they are uncomfortable so I didn't want a big one at all. In fact, the ring is perfect in theory, not too big and I always wanted a 3 diamond ring but I never thought I would be able to afford it. Anyway, since having it on order, i've gone into the store to try it on again (I'm going to call it withdrawal symptom!) and now i'm just not sure I LOVE it. Where the band comes up to meet the diamond it's slightly think and then narrows toward the diamond, and it is this part that i'm not sure I like, it's kind of a "pinched" look. The ring looks great with the wedding band so long term I don't think it'll be a problem so I guess I just need advice on how to change my attitude about the pinched bit. Now that i'm writing it, I guess it doesn't sound like such a big deal. We chose the ring together so I don't think that I would return it even if he let me. I guess I just need to learn how to make it 'work' for me.

Thanks!


Ashley 5 years ago

Help! I don't like my engagement ring. My fiancé proposed to me two weeks ago and I told him a few days later that the ring just wasn't my style. This hurt his feelings, but I figured if I couldn't tell him the truth then we had no business getting married. We only ever had one conversation about an engagement ring and all I said was "I dunno, I think I would want something a little different, maybe even a sapphire." I was not expecting him to propose to me so soon, but he took what I said and used that info to buy a ring. I feel like he didn't even try. I just finished helping two of my friends' boyfriends now fiancé pick out nice fancy rings for my friends. And I wonder why he didn't ask someone. Why did he ask me for more information? Am I not an investment? He's been married before and so I thought he would know what this moment means to a woman. Or does he think it's not important? Maybe he doesn't get me at all. Am I just materialistic and a bad person? He knows I don't like the ring and offered to take it back and replace it with something else, but that just made him angry. So I kept it. Well now I am overwhelmed. Why doesn't he want me to be happy? Also, he spent more on his new fridge for his house than he did on the ring. That kinda hurts my feelings also. The fridge is a better investment than me? Should I say something else? Two of my friends just for engaged and I feel like their rings (that I helped pick out) are being rubbed in my face and I don't want to show mine to anyone. Help! I don't think I can hold it in much longer. I am almost in tears writing this.


Ashley 5 years ago

So I just finished a post about how I didn't like my engagement ring. I would like to point out that I am absolutely in love with the man. Well, after writing the post, I had to excuse myself from my office and I cried in the bathroom. While being all pathetic, I realized, when i get married, I could move the sapphire engagement ring to my right hand and give my man a little more assistance in the wedding ring department. They make diamond eternity bands, which can be more striking than a single diamond. I will try making that suggestion and hopefully this will help someone else. Diamond Eternity Band, google it :)


AJ 5 years ago

I want to marry my boyfriend. I feel bad because I want a bigger ring than he can afford. I feel guilty but I just am not comfortable with a gold band. I love diamonds and have wanted a large diamond ring ever since I was a little girl. I do not want a large wedding so money would be saved there. He has a good job, I feel like he is being sort of cheap. Help! I really love him, but I would be forever dissapointed. I don't believe in the upgrading thing, that never happens. Something else always comes up. What do I do? I never thought I would have to buy my own. I am crushed.


AJ 5 years ago

Ashley-You are not materialistic. You should be happy and want to show your ring off. Tell him it is very important to you, if he doesn't understand this in the beginning, there could be potentially more problems down the road.


fmaon06 5 years ago

Hi Veronica (or whoever else may have advice),

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years now, and we've been discussing marriage for about 2 years. We started looking at rings about a year ago. I didn't want to pick out a ring entirely, but I had rings that I greatly adored. I found that I would be happy with a certain style of ring - a round center stone with side stones, all on a twisty band. I like the bands that look like the infinity symbol repeating over and over again, or like vines inter-crossing. Those were my major criteria, and I showed my boyfriend numerous examples. I left it up to him to find a wonderful ring.

He's now told me that he's put a down payment on a ring. We're not very good secret keepers between one another, so I've already seen a picture of the ring. He's pretty proud of himself, but it's not what I would have chosen. It looks like a hurricane, but he likes that it has an expensive Leo diamond in the middle, and thought it relevant because it has "curves" like I like... It doesn't have the twisty, inter-crossed band that I would love. He hasn't proposed yet, so I don't know what it would look like on my finger. I am sorely disappointed. I feel so bad because I should just be excited that I'm finally going to be engaged, but I can't seem to be happy about the ring. I feel as though he didn't listen to me at all when I sent him examples of what rings I loved.

I feel that since this ring is going to stay on my finger forever until I die, I should love it unconditionally. I feel awful that I'm not crazy with what he picked out for me. It took him a year to find this ring, and I'm not happy with it... I'm looking forward to advice.


cast-a-drift 5 years ago

Hi Veronica

I really enjoy your comments and I would greatly appreciate some advice on a situation that I am too worried to ask friends or family about.

I really fell for this man and from the first 20-30 minutes of talking to him (we sat next to eachother on a transatlantic aeroplane)I knew i was going to marry him. It was a spooky feeling and at the time I was more than happy being single - so in a way a bit annoying too lol!

We have been together for six years now - I am 34 and he is 39. We have had our fare share of problems in that time - we dont live together so it has been tricky. All I wanted from the start was a proposal but his procrastination was undermining all of the good feelings we had. He always talked about our future though - but someone talking about it isn't the same as being asked.Plus he kept moving the goal posts by telling me that we would be engaged by a certain time e.g. within the next couple of years (that was three years ago) or by the end of the summer. Things finally came to a head following our six year anniversary. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to be with me and spiralled in to a depression (not clinical). Bit by bit I could feel my coping mechanisms kicking in to cut this guy out of my life for good since he clearly was not committed enough to move things on. I have felt numb for the last few weeks.

There was tears and gnashing of teeth - not pretty....and I am embarrassed that I have finally pushed him in to asking me to marry him. He thinks that he needed a push though and says that he asked me because he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives and that he had been scared of marriage up until now. I can hear what you are thinking - "not scared of marriage - just scared of marrying me".

Here comes the worst bit. Last night he took me out for dinner and we stayed in a hotel. However...initially he booked a cheap travel hotel (disappointment #1)and I said I didn't want to stay there - I didn't know at this point what he was planning however not the most romantic gesture given what I know now. So he booked another one which was much nicer - without any argument to his credit. The meal was expensive and at quite an exclusive restaurant. After the main course he asked me to marry him - he slid the ring in to my hand while he was holding it across the table.He simply said "will you marry me?".

Dissappointment #2. I hope I am right when I say that as a woman we are programmed to believe that a proposal will sing the praises of our better qualities and be an outright declaration of love. This was somewhat brief.

Disappointment #3. I was unsure what to say given the recent weeks worth of anguish and upset. I never imagined that I might stall on the big question - my heart was racing and I said yes hoping that I might feel what I did before all of this got turned on its head.

Disappointment #4 I felt awkward / embarrassed and ashamed that the ring was not more impressive.After everything that we have been through and I would be rearranging my whole life to move closer to him and like many of the others that have written here - it is not about the materialistic but, at the end of the day, he will never ever buy me any other piece of jewellery that will have as much meaning/ significance or as much permanence as an engagement ring. I dont believe that he could have spent a minimum of a months salary as he has a great income earning about $9000 per month (this can be irratic though as it is his own company). I would guess that he has spent about $2500 on this ring.

Disappointment #5 he is not totally clueless when it comes to buying jewellry and usually picks me really interesting costume pieces that I love.He told me that he had bought the ring in a (some might consider downmarket) high street chain and that he just asked the girl who was selling to lay out all of the engagement rings and help him pick. He couldn't even tell me any of the details about it. It doesn't sound like he spent a huge amount of time on this. I know that he was keen to ask me before I changed my mind forever - so I can explain it away sort of.

No matter what we did later that night - cocktails etc my mood was confused and certainly not the overly happy bride to be. Just felt confused.

Disappointment #6: When we woke up the next morning I told him that I would need some time to consider his proposal and told him why I had said yes. He was hurt but accepted this.

Now he is at home and upset and I am sat here looking at a mediocre ring trying to convince myself that this is the man for me. He told me to decide and when I do let him know - and that if it is a Yes that it was not to come with a list of conditions attached. He also said that if it was a No he would expect the ring back - as I write that last bit - I realise he sounds like a tool - I told him as much at the time. He has also hinted that the ring cost a lot. I am not convinced as one thing about a high street chain is that you can look up prices on the internet.

So now what do I do?

I I say Yes - and tell him I think he was a bit cheap he will probably be quite upset. I was considering telling him that when I look at the current ring that it holds memories of indecision and that it just doesn't feel right. Perhaps at that point I could suggest we shop around together as that is quite exciting - at which point I would breach the one months salary thing and tell him that I would be prepared to wait until he was able to finance this.

Oh dear - fear I have sabotaged my own relationship - or about to - perhaps it is me who is terrified of marriage.

Sorry for the long message - I appreciate any wisdom that you may have to help me out - I just dont know what to do.


cast-a-drift 5 years ago

PS I went down to the shop that he bought the ring in and just discovered that it cost $1500. Really quite offended now.

Am I crazy for dating such a cheap skate?


cast-a-drift 5 years ago

PPS.

I should probably also mention that both his parents were divorced twice each. The last one tried to take his dad to the cleaners (he is a self made millionaire) and his dad nearly had a nervous breakdown over it (that was 15 years ago though). I know that my partner had to counsel his dad through that tough time.

Please help. Am I making excuses for this guy? On one hand I almost hope he is testing me on the other he could just be cheap. Worse still - is there a chance that I could be about to marry someone who cant man up and behave in a gentlemanly way when it comes to proposing. He was very reluctant to ask my dad for his blessing in person - thought that a phone call would suffice. I pointed out to him that my sisters (not rich) fiancé was able to fly from Africa to the UK to ask and my other sister's fiancé (again not wealthy and young) was able to fly back also. It would be most ungracious to not give my father his place.


JustCurious7 4 years ago

Veronica,

I feel very weird asking this question as it is out of my character to even worry about my subject, but I was intrigued by your responses to others.

My boyfriend just proposed and I am curious about the ring. I knew from the first time I met him that he was the one and I cannot wait to marry him! We looked online at some rings a few months ago and, at first, I said that I didn't like the really large rings...nothing too flashy. Afterwards, I saw engagement rings up close, in real life and realized I do like the slightly flashy type. I gave him hints that I actually liked slightly larger diamonds, just in case he asked. Then, we stopped talking about marriage, which I found out now was because he wanted the engagement to be a surprise, and that it was. It was the best proposal and the ring is really beautiful. The only problem is, I cannot stop thinking about how it would be even more beautiful and perfect if the diamond were a bit larger, mainly because the setting takes away from the center diamond. I'm talking from a 1.2 carat princess cut to a 1.5. I hate feeling materialistic, but I am a bit disappointed the hints didn't work and I didn't come out and just tell him or that we didn't go together to look at them in real life. We have 2 weeks to exchange, if we'd like. Since he didn't save appropriately for a larger diamond, it might be a bit of a financial stretch for now, but overall he could afford it.

Should I let it go and somehow try to get over my perfectionism or should I push for the extra little bit? Thank you!


goashley 4 years ago

Hi Veronica!

First off, thank you for spreading your wisdom. I don't necessarily expect a response but maybe you can help.

My fiancé and I have been together 2 years, we have a beautiful relationship and I'm stoked to marry him. But he's not a very preparatory type of guy, which is generally fine except this time.

I don't want to be like my friends and dive into tons of debt out of being excited to get married. He has a good stable job but makes a lot less than me right now and is still trying to figure out what he wants to do career-wise. I have known our whole relationship that I would have to wait for someone to help get him organized to execute his ideal ring purchase and proposal. Well, turns out my parents decided to grab the wheel on this one, give him a horrid ring they used for their initial engagement, and he proposed to me in front of family blurting out "Will you marry me?" . I was stunned, because the ring was cheap and (to be blunt) ugly, (and furthermore FREE to him). Though the answer, "Yes" was not up for debate, the proposal and circumstance was so uncomfortable and unoriginal. He's a very creative and fun guy, so for him to do the family-and-4-words thing was...boring and slightly lazy. :(

He's fine with getting me another ring eventually that I love and he pays for, but he has no sense of urgency and doesn't recognize that the proposal was a big disappointment for me. I've mentioned that I wanted him to propose HIS way and not pressured by my parents, but he's so content with being engaged that he doesn't realize I really want to re-do it all.

Obviously I have to tell him fully and honestly that I don't want this proposal to be permanent and truly need it to be different. But now that we are "engaged" how can you re-do it without calling it off? I just think if he doesn't have the money or awareness to execute it properly now then cutting corners isn't any way to build and engagement/marriage on. Meanwhile, his seriously religious family is heavily judgmental that we live together and have a serious relationship and aren't married....

Please help!

-In Love, Engaged and Disappointed!


hellokaty2703 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I feel so lucky to have found this site. I could really use some advice from someone who has so much experience in giving advice about engagement rings.

I have been dating an absolutely wonderful man, and we have decided to take our relationship to the next level and get engaged. He really wanted to buy the ring online, but I was able t convince him to let us go try og


hellokaty2703 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I feel so lucky to have found this site. I could really use some advice from someone who has so much experience in giving advice about engagement rings.

I have been dating an absolutely wonderful man, and we have decided to take our relationship to the next level and get engaged. He really wanted to buy the ring online, but I was able t convince him to let us go try og


hellokaty2703 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

I am so glad I found this site. I really need some advice on buying engagment rings, and after reading a lot of your advice, I trust your answers. Thank you, in advance, for taking the time to offer your thoughts on my dillema.

I have been dating this very wonderful man. Recently, we decided that we wanted to get engaged. We've talked all about the wedding, ring, our families, and how amazing the future looks for us both together.

We have both previously been married. I had the big beautiful wedding and romantic honeymoon, but he has never had either of those things. I would be fine with a very casual inexpensive wedding, that just involves our close family and friends to help us celebrate such a special time. However, he really wants to experience the entire traditional and more expensive wedding. His desires will take more time to save the money, and obviously cost more. But, because it's so important to him, I am more than happy working togethe to save for this beautiful day and have the wedding he dreams of. I know this is important to him.

Here's where the advice is needed...He really wanted to buy a ring online, but I disagreed because each ring can look so different on an individual hand. So, we went and spent a day ring shopping in stores. He agreed that the rings we thought would look great, were not the ones we liked best. And, the ring I fell totally in love with, wasn't what I started out looking at.

He and I have very different taste in most things (decorating, clothing, jewelry). This doesn't seem to be a problem...except when it comes to picking out an engagement ring. I have been very careful in respecting his finances, as I don't think the cost of the ring is the most important thing. However, he is being incredibly generous. I think it's more important that it's a ring that we each absolutely love, wants to wear every day for the rest of our lives, and is proud to show off to everyone. When looking at a wedding ring for him, I never said I didn't like a ring he tried on until he said it first. I don't think I have to love his ring; I want HIM to love his ring. I want my ring to him to be a gift he wears with pride and admiration...and one that he looks at and can feel the love I have for him.

Unfortunately, this is where we differ. He feels that if he is going to spend a chunk of change on a ring he is giving me, he and I should BOTH love it. This would be great, if our tastes were the same. I feel like, if money is not the issue we are disagreeing over, the ring should be something I absolutely love. We found a few rings, one in particular, that I would love to wear for the rest of my life...and was in the price range he is comfortable in. He initially loved the ring. Then he changed his mind, and found another ring he loved more. Both rings are almost identical. But, we each love one more than the other. I don't love that ring as much, so now he doesn't want to consider the initial ring. This doesn't make sense to me.

He wants to pick out the ring he and I both love. But, I don't want him to spend thousands of dollars on a ring I don't absolutely love. He feels he knows my taste, and will be able to find a ring we both love. He says he feels like I don't trust him if I can't let him pick out the ring. I don't feel it's about trust.

Help! What do I do? I don't want to hurt his feelings or cause stress in our relationship. I love this man so incredibly much. He is absolutely amazing. He is an incredible boyfriend, father to his kids, and a male role model to my son. He's someone, without a doubt, I can see spending the rest of my life with. We have really strong communication skills, the same values for family/career/relationships. I do trust him. And, I want our engagement/wedding to be an amazing time that we both rememeber forever.

Sigh...I look forward to hearing your view on my dilemma.

~Lucky Girl


elmjones 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I'm not sure what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 years. A few months ago he proposed. He decided that we were going to look at rings together to make sure we got one I liked. This turned into him emailing me pictures of engagement rings that his mom (a jeweler and someone I don't know very well) thought I would like. I didn't like any of them but sent back pictures of moderately priced rings that I was absolutely in love with. I then got invited over to his moms house to look at her inventory book of rings with my boyfriend (so that my boyfriend could get a discount. My boyfriend ended up sitting on the couch watching tv while his mom insisted on showing me rings like the first pictures they sent me rather than the ones I wanted. I later found out that his mom was giving us a very nice hearts on fire diamond with and two diamonds from her old engagement ring. I also found out that she was buying the ring (and had a lower budget) which is why she was only letting me look at really simple rings. I explained to my fiancee that if that was the case I'd rather buy the setting myself so that I could at least get the ring I want. I was fine with the simple setting if it was from him but I don't want to wear an engagement ring for the rest of my life that I don't like and that he isn't even paying for. He made me feel bad about hurting his mom's feelings when she was trying to do something nice for us. First question..does that make me a bad person?

So we finally decided on a very simple setting which his mom said she'd over for us and have to us in a week. After a week went by, I was so excited, I found out she hadn't even ordered it yet. This portion of the story short, it took me 6 weeks to finally get my ring because there kept being reasons why it had to be delayed (out of stock, jeweler too busy to set my stone, etc.) About a week before I finally got it, I told my boyfriend that since the setting and stones were there, that I just wanted to take it to another jeweler to get it set since I was tired of waiting. He told me that I was being ungrateful because his mom had put so much effort into this and the least we could do was let her see it through to completion. He also told me that I was ungrateful because she was doing me a favor. I reminded him that since the man's portion of the fun wedding stuff was all the ring details, she was technically doing him a favor and not very well at that. Was he right?

When I finally got the ring it wasn't even sized properly (despite the fact that I'd gone in twice for measurements) and she said it would be another 3 days before they would size it but she knew I wanted the ring now so they put a ring guard on it so it semi fits. A week went by and she hadn't called for me to bring my ring it so I called and was told that the store was busy and it would get done the following weekend (so now two weeks from when I got it). I was very upset (the ring hurts, digs into my finger, catches on everything and has even cut me). When I went to take it in I was told they were now backed up but that it would get done the following weekend so that I could have it done for my birthday and Valentine's day. Again, when I went to take it in, I was told the jewler couldn't get to it and that I'd have to wait another two weekends and it wouldn't be done for my birthday or Valentine's day. I again let my boyfriend now how upset all this is making me and he promised to do his best to make sure it got done sooner. That hasn't worked out and not only that, when I called today to find out what time to take in it Saturday, they told me it won't have time for it til Tuesday.

I can't help feeling like his mom is doing this on purpose. She agreed to pay for the ring and the purposefully got me the ring I don't like, then she postponed me getting the ring for 6 weeks and now I've been waiting another month to get is sized and it still has been done yet. I don't know what to do and the more I talk to my boyfriend about it the more upset he gets because he values his mother so much. What should I do? Am I making too much out of this? Is it wrong of me to be upset that I feel I'm getting a ring from his mom and not him?


crystaljerke profile image

crystaljerke 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Feeling very emotional after reading your hub as I got married 12 years back and still I'm with the ring which my hubby presented me on our engagement..we have a arrange marriage......it was just of Gold and he presented me many diamond rings in these years but still I love my engagement ring most!!!


louromano profile image

louromano 4 years ago

First of all, I would like to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. Your advice helped me center myself and gave me courage to have an adult conversation with my fiancé that obviously needed to happen.


Daniellla profile image

Daniellla 4 years ago from Birmingham UK

Dear all,

I came across this page by a pure chance and it cought my eye. After reading the article and all your comments I felt like I wanted to share my story with you.

I got engaged last summer on a holiday. It was a hot summers day and we were having drinks on a lovely cobbled side street in an old town. My boyfriend took a straw out of his gin&tonic, created a little ring out of it and put it on my finger. I was so overwhelmed I don't even remember what he said...neither does he by the way ;)

He said he would get a real one very soon to replace the straw. Few months went by and there was no sign of the real ring. Our friends and family started asking more and more questions... making him feel as if he is not doing it soon enough. For me, however, it was just a formality as I knew how much he loves me already and i had every confidence that he will do a great job in finding a ring for me that I will like and in his own time. I need to add that I am not the kind of girl who wanted to get married in the first place, I just never thought I would be lucky enough to find a person who I will want to spend the rest of my life with. Therefore, I knew very little about engagement rings and i certainly didn't know what kind of a ring i would like him to choose for me. So I was not helping him at all.

On the Christmas morning I received my beautiful ring. It was made to order platinum ring with a black centre diamond and a couple of smaller clear ones either side of it. It turns out that he went to see countless jewellers until he picked someone he was happy with, designed the ring himself, ordered the diamonds from Europe and always kept in mind that I liked unusual things.

I have honestly never seen anything like it. I loved it the minute I saw it, i really thought that i am the happiest and luckiest girl in the world to have a fiancé who truly knows me and is ready to put so much time and effort into something that after all is just a piece of jewellery. However, I did think that he had spent far too much money on the ring, it was near enough 8K.

About a month later we split up because of the silliest reason....

So the morale of the story, dear ladies and gentlemen, is that it does not matter how much the ring costs, how big the rocks are or what colour the gold is. After all, it is the person what matters and the feelings you have for one another and whether you manage to stay together. Look at me I had an amazing relationship, amazing engagement ring and wonderful plans together, but all that's left of it is a piece of jewellery that is kept at my mother's house because I cannot look at it. Now it has become the single saddest thing I  have ever owned, because he refused to take it back! However, the only thing i wanted to keep was my original ring- the straw, which  meant a lot more for me than something that i got to wear for only three weeks... Just love and cherish each other and not the formalities and materialistic things they hold no value and no sentiment.

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