Heart of Flames and Ashes
You acknowledge nothing. Your heart is a giant void. You act as if this is acceptable, normal, even practical behavior. You wound me with every neglect, and have no difficulty doing so. I wish that the thought of being without me would obliterate your soul. I wish that the thought of being without me would cause your heart to explode into countless shards of pain tearing at your entire being. Even this amount of suffering would not compare to my own, but if you suffered so, it would mean that I occupied some space in your heart.
How do you walk around and not notice the savage suffering of my heart? With you, I see that it is possible to do so, but I cannot comprehend how. I am ripped into two pieces. Half of who I am allows this assault. Thank God for the half that still has the strength to reel myself back in, and acknowledge that I am on a path to death. I have been compliant in the unconscious plan to murder my own heart. I have played this game with you never fully understanding the devastating risk I was taking.
Selfish lover withholding love ~ you drain me of my love. To do so sustains some part of you while depleting me of a will to live and breathe and go on. You walk away, leaving me to drown in an abyss of NOTHINGNESS. Who were you to touch me, and steal years of my life with your affections, with never an intent to love me? You always knew that I loved you. You cannot tell yourself otherwise, for you know this is the truth. I was never a part of your permanant agenda. You placed me in your "lover" box, and excluded me from any part of your real life.
I bargained myself away for the cheap price of fleeting affection. I sold myself to the lowest of the low bidders. If I knew where this flaw lie within me, I would rip open my own flesh and remove it. I would cast it into a fire and watch as it died its painful death. Then, I would take its ashes . . . and lay them at your feet.
God help me for loving such a man.
© 2013 Bella Nina
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To be in the midst of a tormented love affair is to run naked in an endless thunderstorm. It is to be so exposed at your core that you exist on the love alone.