Help me realize why I am here and what I am good for

Omg please help...make me realize why I am here, what I am good for.

Tonight my mom was in such a bitchie mood when I went to feed her dinner. As she tried to tell me what was wrong in her own garbled words...and I just couldn't figure it out. She well knew I was confused , as she was and began to cry, that cry of help me I feel so lost, the cry of pain and discomfort, the cry of despair I feel sad, as she searched the room for some comfort.

One of the care givers told me to take her for a walk,change the surroundings, they seem to know her better then I do. We did go for a walk around the house, into a few other rooms as she demanded a blanket and was very fidgety, not being wet, or poopie I got her a blanket and took her back to the main room to watch Lawrence Show , she loved to dance as a younger woman. She calmed down and was content to sit there as she does many nights.

Routine is very important in this environment and in this sad disease Alzheimer's... Many doctor's I have heard speak, say that their greatest fear is this disease!

So I kissed my Mother goodbye and came home, a place where I feel safe, yet long for the days of my Mother's care. I feel so un-fulfilled these days , like what good am I to her? I know I am her advocate, I know I am the one who makes sure she has what she needs, though her and my step-dad provided for these times, I know sometimes she recognizes me, but it takes it toll on my mind and my heart.

Why does such a sweet , caring wonderful human being have to go through her last days of life in such a low quality of life, though she may well be connected with her maker, way better then I am. She may be showing me how it is to come to the end of your human life...ALONE...there is no other way.

We are alone when we are born, and alone when we die...oh yes there are loved ones around, but we are ALONE...and this is the only way we can connect with the Superior Being...it is very personal.

So I had some wine tonight to celebrate birth and death and illness, because I am suffering for other's in my family with these things.

Oh the wine just relaxes me once in a while and makes me think, think about how lucky I am and so many of us take for granted what we have, like it is due us.

We earn what we get, we make our own decisions, and are ultimately responsible for our actions...

May GOD guide us and Bless each in the end.

Comments 32 comments

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York

Awwwwwwwwwwww, Honey, this is so hard on you, the loved one and it is hard on your mom. All I can say is God Bless you Sweetie for being such a wonderful daughter. Why are you here? Because many of us love you and enjoy your sharing and we understand even if we cannot ease your pain. *Hugs* to you sweet woman!


justom profile image

justom 5 years ago from 41042

Merle Ann, you know I know a bit about what you're going through and all I can say is that you're doing the right thing and in the end you'll be blessed for that. You're here for me to be my friend and I appreciate that and your good for all that you do every day. Hang in there, it all seems to work out in the end. Peace and Love!! Tom


alekhouse profile image

alekhouse 5 years ago from Louisville, Kentucky

I know you feel bad, Merle, but honestly you are doing all you can do and it is the right thing. The end of life can be very sad, especially if one has an affliction such as your mom does. But rest assured you are helping her and somewhere deep inside she is better off for it.


Raven King profile image

Raven King 5 years ago from Cabin Fever

God Bless your brave heart G-Ma! HUGS! :)


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

BobbiRant..Thank you dear lady..You know sometimes it just gets to me...and so I vent, here and of course I know you all respond and I guess that is what I am looking for, selfish old woman that I guess I am.

I am off to read the hub about addicted to the computer you have written after these comments are done...Not having read it yet I must say it can be a better addiction then some things, though it is time consuming I love that it is available and like anything we do Moderation is the key...

God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

justom. er TOM...thanks for being here and I know I am not the only one who has/is going through this. It is just when she sheds tears of frustration it hurts. I understand it is in God's hands and I am here to help and do whatever I can for Mom, but right now we have a few sad situations going on in the family and seems such a heavy burden, me living too far away. I want to help but I am realizing Here is where I need to be and I cannot be there for everyone, I just wish I could, silly old woman.

Yes I appreciate the friendship (internet) we have developed...again Thank You...God Bless :O) Hugs Merle Ann


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

alekhouse...Yes I really do believe that deep inside she knows, she just is unable though she tries so hard to communicate, and then she cries. I know the feeling because I feel it too.

You are such a dear lady and I appreciate your words of wisdom and am fortunate enough to know you are here. God Bless :O) Hugs Merle Ann


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Raven King...brave heart ? seems like a rather sad one. Kinda like "Jack of all trades and Master of non" I get to feeling so frustrated...You are such a wonderful woman and I thank you for ALWAYS being around for me.

So how is that story coming along? I think mine is done, but then again a friend came over and got me thinking about adding more? Maybe I best just leave it alone. Chat later...God Bless :O) Hugs G-Ma


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

Look into some natural medications or cures to help why don't you(make sure with a doctor really pharmacist is best to know for sure, doctors say no to everything they don't get a kickback on) or insist on a mild calmer for your Mom, not one that will knock her out. Make sure she gets it at night, she will sleep better and probably have enough in her system to be calm the next day too. Zyprexa I think is what Mom's doctor allowed her while I had her and I gave that of the night with anything else that causes drowsiness like allergy meds. My Mom was always really sweet but she did moan with pain the last couple years of her life. I have even read where they may have a new Alzheimer's medicine but maybe it is not on the market yet. I know you trust nursing homes where I don't any of them but maybe it would be worth it to you to be there to see she is getting pain killers or whatever she needs to help her condition. My mother-in-law would hide hers under her tongue and spit them out behind her bed when no one was looking. Who can say why but surely something can be done. God bless you and your Mommy. I love you both.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Thank You Pollyannalana...Her pills get crushed and I see that she gets them everyday. I don't think this episode was anything to do with actual Pain Pain,more deep feelings she was trying to convey...

I believe she still worries I am doing too much, and she realizes I am the only one ever there for her...Once in a while she gets what she wants out in words. I have been with her long enough to feel some of what she feels, as feelings are felt.

And sweetie she is not in a 'nursing home' she is in a very nice 'private facility' with only 31 residents. I also do watch everything they give her and they know how I am, so they call me for every little thing,which is what I asked them to do.

I do take natural calming herbs and I am basically very calm, just that alone is alone and I need to vent somehow.

Thank you so much my dear for your concern and God Bless :O) Hugs G-Ma


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

I am sorry you probably told me and I forgot but I do think anyone with mental diseases that can't really get out what they want to say need a calming medicine, so what if they get hooked. No more than I got to see Mom I was torn between wanting to be with her and the urge to just get home. I take nerve pills too but they are to help lower my blood pressure they cannot get under control in the YEARS. When the time comes you need an ear or shoulder I am always here for you, I have been through it all, it does sound like a good place she is in, thank God.


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 5 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

You are an amazing human being, G-Ma. You are here to be love, and you are being love by caring for your mom, even when you get frustrated. I remember my mother would get agitated, but they would give her a tranquilizer. I think she would get anxious at times because the brain is not healthy, so anxiety, anger, fear, paranoia all show up. Boy, I take care of my brain, take Omega's, eat blueberries, walnuts, all nutrients for a healthy brain, as (I know have mentioned this before) we have Alzheimer in my family on my mother's side, several members had passed away from this disease.


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 5 years ago from India

G-ma, a glass of wine always helps! We know that, don't we? :)

Meanwhile, hang in there...hugs!


Ginn Navarre profile image

Ginn Navarre 5 years ago

G-Ma many of us have and will be where you are now with our love ones, you are doing GREAT so fill that wine glass---hugs!


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

VioletSun..Thank You sweetie for caring and you know I think she hears and understands more then we give her credit for.

On this day I was chatting with a caregiver about taxes and that sorta thing, and I think mom worries abt me doing it all, we are here alone except for one family niece and she is very busy with her family.

At any rate mom can't speak but once in a while she comes out with a doozie and surprises us all.

I also eat well and take many herbs, and do brain exercises but not sure they really know what the cause is, and as far as we know (but think others have) mom is the only one diagnosed with Alzheimer's so I guess time will tell...God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

FELINE...yes You bet we do, and Thanks for being so sweet...:O) Hugs G-Ma

GINN...Thanks for dropping in with your encouraging words and here's a toast to you...God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma


cwarden profile image

cwarden 5 years ago from USA

Alzheimer's disease is so tough - especially on the one that is the caregiver - you are both victims. You have a very thankless, tough job - enjoy that wine. Bless you ;)


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

cwarden...Thanks at least the wine is alright hee hee...Yess it is a thankless tough job performed by many, and many that are way better then me. Angels for sure...: Hugs G-Ma


tnderhrt23 profile image

tnderhrt23 5 years ago

My heart goes out to you G-Ma...I pray that God will send His angels to minister to you, and your Mom during this tough time! And remember, we are here for you!(((G-Ma)))


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

tnderhrt23/...Thank you and God Bless I do know this is a great place...:O) Hugs G-Ma


sminut13 profile image

sminut13 5 years ago from singapore

yes g-ma, be strong and positive and when you're tired, as everyone has said, we are all here. we might not say the right words to help you, cheer you up but we will listen to you and support you.

we can't do much about the disease except to be patient although that can be really tiring at times. my paternal grandmother has it too although i can't care for her. take heart and stay strong.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

sminut13..Awww sorry to hear abt your Grandmother...it is a sad disease, but then aren't they all especially for the elderly...Thanks for your nice words...My Prayers and God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma


sminut13 profile image

sminut13 5 years ago from singapore

yes, diseases no matter what are all really sad for the elderly especially. thanks to you too for your words. hope you're doing well. take care


cindizzj@yahoo.co profile image

cindizzj@yahoo.co 5 years ago from Northern California

Awesomely said Mom. You are here for many reasons, not just to take care of Grandma. I don't know what I would do if I didnt have you to talk to.

Love,

Cin


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

aWWW. tHANKS SWEET DAUGHTER...Though it is difficult I realize this is where God wants me...I Love You...MOM


Trama doll 5 years ago

NW Melbourne land of the lost!


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

I've been close to a lot of this G-Ma. I feel for your family. We're all close to somebody with this.

"May GOD guide us and Bless each in the end."


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

Hugs G-Ma and lots of them. If you ever need to talk you know how to get in touch with me.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

MICKY DEE...Again thanks and may God Bless you too...Life is a struggle sometimes...:O) Hugs G-Ma

LADY GUINEVERE...Oh thank you dear lady...I am fine just sometimes I need to release and feel safe here...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

Yes, there should be a place to have pity parties, nt that you are having one, but we do need a place where we can just let our hair down. We need a release and friends who care and listen. All this stuff that I see on the FB and here about how bad it is to have someone complain is ridiculous. People are being trained not to care...........and that is WRONG!!!

You talk it out because that IS HEALTHY.


no body profile image

no body 5 years ago from Rochester, New York

There is a Scripture that says when Jesus meets you in heaven He says, "Enter into your rest." There will be such rest for her there away from her pain and confusion. I think the the most comforting thought about heaven would help you too. THERE IS A REASON for all of this. God never demands from His kids more than He gives. She will see when she meets Him that it was all worth the experience. All we have is our perspective and it is not easy and it is "looking through a glass darkly." But it will not be long for any of us and we all will see what our pain and suffering did in God's grand scheme of things. It'll be worth it, you'll see.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

no body...you are a wise man and I thank you !! because today I needed to hear what you just commented.god Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma

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