His Baggage, Your Jealousy
What should you do if you're in a relationship with the person you see as "the one", but he carries around all of the hurt from past relationships...making you jealous of those girls...
asked by emsly85 4 days ago
emsly85, the key to what your asking is revealed in your question.
It's part of the natural course of a good relationship that ex's and past loves come up from time to time. You had a life prior to this relationship just like he did. It's perfectly normal that you share yourself, and talk about the experiences that made you who you are today.
But when someone has been hurt in a past relationship, those experiences can be toxic. Instead of recalling a time or a place in the normal unfolding of conversation, it's a painful process.
But emsly85, your question involves multiple past relationships. You said, he carries around the hurt of past relationships. He's been hurt more than once.
And the kicker to your question is how you ended it: "Making me jealous of all those girls."
Has he been hurt multiple times? Why is that? Were all his ex's really bitches, or does he have a habit of repeating the same patterns and making the same mistakes?
And if you're jealous, is that something he's aware of? Is there any chance he's kind of into your jealousy? It can be flattering.
But what I'm really wondering about here, is why you are jealous. And I think the answer to your question will be revealed when you figure this part out.
People can feel jealousy for an array of reasons. Maybe you love your partner so much that just the idea that anyone ever had him before drives you nuts. Maybe you feel jealous for good reason: maybe you know in your heart he hasn't fully closed some of those chapters and this makes you nervous.
Maybe you're envious of the power. If he is still carrying pain from these past relationships that suggests a certain amount of control that they still have over him. Maybe you want to be the one with the power, with some real control over the way he feels.
Another possibility is that this is your issue, not his. Maybe he has had some hurt in the past, but has moved on in a normal way. Maybe it's you that hasn't. Maybe you're projecting, or for some reason when he mentions a memory, you're processing it in a way that it really wasn't intended.
emsly85, I wish I could give you a solid answer on exactly what's going on with you and your partner. Unfortunately, with the little bit of info you were able to share, I can't do that. However, I hope I was able to frame for you some questions and thought processes that will help you figure this out.
There should be a healthy amount of balance in the way someone feels and shares regarding their former relationships. I say this in all of my hubs - communication and honesty are really so important in the success of any relationship. If he's communicating, and being honest with you about ex relationships and past heart breaks, it could be a very positive sign of how much he trusts you, and how much he wants to share with you. On the other hand, if you feel he's giving you more than a normal balanced share of information, you have to consider that he's feeding your jealousy because he's enjoying it.
Try to listen openly to those moments where you're feeling jealous. Be honest with him about what you're feeling and be honest with yourself. Try to be clear - is he sharing and letting you see the vulnerable parts of him, or does he like making you jealous, or is he obsessing on past hurt and stuck in an unhealthy cycle of thought because of it.
Best to you. Keep us posted.
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