His Kids - Your Step Kids, Your Commitment

Veronica,

I am faced with a dilemma and I hope you can lend some insight. I am married to a man that has two children from a former marriage. His children live with their mother, and we are only forced to see them every other weekend. I want to have my own children very much. I made my wishes very clear to him before we got married. Now that we are married he say he doesn’t want to have more children because of how much money he has to send his ex wife in child support. He says we can’t afford to have children which I think is a lame excuse. It’s like he’s stuck in the past with his old family instead of in the present with me and the children we could have. I need your help! How do I convince him to let go of the past and move forward?Donna

Dear Donna,

You asked for my advice, so I’m going to give it to you in my three-martini style. His children are not part of his past. They are his children for ever. And they are your step children. Calling them “his” children, and saying you are “stuck” with them every other weekend says a great deal about your nurturing ability. Normally, it would concern me that you and your partner discussed and agreed upon a major life decision prior to taking the marriage step, and now your partner has changed his mind. But in your case his changing his mind doesn’t concern me. To start with, you said you told him your wish to have children. You did not say he agreed as a partner that you and he would have children together, or when. Additionally, I have to think that even if he did agree that he wanted to have children with you, that his decision may have changed when he witnessed how poor of a step parent you were. His feeling that it would be unaffordable at this time to have more kids might be very valid and responsible. Kids are expensive. But I would understand if his saying it’s the money involved because he’s trying to avoid telling you how he feels about your parenting skills.

Of course he doesn’t want to have more kids. His relationship with his first kids would become even worse. As it is you don’t speak of them as your step children. You say nothing but very selfish things regarding family.

You married this man, committing your life to his, yet you completely disregard what should be the number one most important thing in his life: his children. I don’t know how you thought you would have a successful marriage as someone that says things like you’re “stuck” with his kids every other weekend, and that his kids are part of his past. I think you need to re-examine your priorities.

I invite the HUBPAGES community to weigh in, in the comments below.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

Comments 10 comments

G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

I have to agree with you..some of those thoughts were my first thoughts as I read the e-mail...A person does not enter into a marriage with the thought they will change the other person...either way. 

If he does understand the meaning of children..he should have no problem talking to her about how he truly feels. Blaming it on money sickens me....and if that is his true reason...shame on him.  It takes two to tango..Him and Her.

My advice is to TALK..b e HONEST and speak from their HEARTS...G=Ma :o) hugs


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Thanks G-Ma, ((hugs))


Goodwitch profile image

Goodwitch 8 years ago

OK...I think I have to disagree with some of these points here. Being both a parent and step parent, I can see where Donna is coming from. There really isn't enough information in this letter to really make a fair assesment, but here are some things that I think need to be addressed:

Donna was very clear to her husband that she wanted children. He agreed to marry her knowing her feelings. Even if he didn't voice his agreement (or opposition), by marrying her he accepted her wishes. If he was against having children, he shouldn't have married her. So, I think he seriously mislead her. This is a serious decision that seems to have been addressed prior to the marriage. Having one partner just "change their mind" is not acceptable.

The ages of the children aren't mentioned. This can play a big part in how they have accepted their father's new wife. I don't think by Donna stating that she's "forced" to see them warrants an attack on Donna's nurturing abilities. The step-children may be total monsters and absolutely terrible to her! Another thought is you don't know what his ex-wife is saying to the children (she may be turning the children against Donna). So, in all fairness - Donna can be a very nurturing person but the situation (and the way she's being treated) can make even a very nurturing person turn bitter.

You're right in stating that the financial matter is a huge consideration. However, Donna should have been aware of how much money her husband sends his ex-wife and children, especially since this money is now coming out of their joint household. As a responsible adult, the finances are a joint concern and Donna should take this into consideration along with her wishes to start her own family. While her husband's children are a priority for HIM, I disagree that his children should be her priority as well. However she does need to respect that they are still HIS priority and THEIR financial responsibility.

It sounds to me as though the relationship between Donna and the step children is not good. However, this should not be a reason to put a "new" family on hold. She entered into this commitment believing she and her husband could start their own family, and she should be allowed to do so. However, she needs to respect that he does have a past and the children will be a part of his life (and hers) forever. But - she does not have to act like a parent to his children (and she SHOULDN'T). She doesn't even have to love them. However, She DOES need to respect them, and treat them as part of the family.

I think the husband has switched gears on this relationship and there are probably more issues here than just the children.


Dana 8 years ago

Great Advice V!!! I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he observed her nurturing ability, or lack of, and that influenced his decision to not have kids with her, no matter what he agreed to before they got hitched.

When I married my husband he had 2 children from his first relationship and they hated me. They were 4 and 6 and wanted him to marry their mother. It was a mess. I believe it is the wife's priority or she has no business marrying a man with little kids in the first place. I bent over backwards and spent years winning them over. Finally I did it but only because of the person I am and the commitment I made to HIM.

Great advice V. I hope Donna will seek the help she needs.


Go Knights 8 years ago

omg that msn kids are expensive link is scary.

got this link from your blog update email.i hadnt read your hubs before this is pretty cool

donna is just wrong. she is focused on what she wants and doesnt care whats right. i feel so sorry for the kids he had in his first marriage. i was one of those kids. when my dad remarried they had a new family and he never bothered with us again. i know it was the wife. when they first married we would go there and she would just keep saying when do you go home the whole time. it was awful. i am glad you called her out on this for she is wrong and she is responsible for the damage to those kids just as much as he is.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Goodwitch - thanks for adding to the article with some insight.

Go Knights - I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a kid. No one should. ((hugs))

Dana - thanks for cruising so many of my hubs today. I'm glad you were able to make things right for your husband's kids, I am sure it wasn't easy.


MARTHA 8 years ago

Sorry I hit post by accident before.

I am not a mother but I want to throw my hat in the ring on this one. Donna is fucked up if she thinks that her husband should have more kids while his relationship with his first kids sounds rocky.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Martha - no worries, I cleaned it all up.

Thanks for throwing your hat in my ring ;)


Sue 8 years ago

Donna shouldn't have married someone with children when she feels "forced" to see those children every other weekend. Very scary. Do you think perhaps their dad doesn't want children with a woman who feels that way about his kids? And if he agrees with her by some strange chance, he definitely should NOT have more children with anyone!!!


Ashley Joy profile image

Ashley Joy 7 years ago

Getting married to a man who already has children is a tough thing that you should really consider before you say I do. These are his kids forever and it is good to hear he is concerned with his finances enough to question if he needs more. I also commend this couple for talking about it beforehand, but it obviously needed to be discussed more. Children and money are two large sticky points in any marriage and you both should have the same view on them before taking the plunge.

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